In the past few years, LaCroix has gone from something I’d only vaguely heard of before to literally taking over the world. Betches have ridded their fridges of Diet Cokes (JK not really) and flavorless flat water (God forbid) and replaced them with brightly colored cans of effervescent deliciousness. The good news? All LaCroix is pretty fucking betchy. They’re calorie-, sugar-, gluten-, sodium-, anything bad for you-free so they’re not going to make you fat like other sodas. They make amazing mixers. And who doesn’t love bubbles? The bad news is that all flavors are NOT created equal. But that’s what you have us for.
So we bring you: a definitive ranking of the betchiest LaCroix. Two things before diving into this: 1) There are a million fucking flavors so they’re not ALL on here. 2) If you disagree with our ranking, that’s fine. If it really upsets you, however, you need to relax and either pretend this list never happened, or make a life change and send us a box of LaCroix as a thank you. Preferably option 2.
Does anyone even drink this? Out of all of the flavors, this one is the fakest tasting and it’s just not good. If you go to someone’s house and they offer you a LaCroix then whip out this bad boy, it’s time to go home and reevaluate the friendship.
9. Peach Pear
It’s not necessarily bad—if I’m being perfectly honest, I think it’s pretty good. I’m a Southern betch though, so anything peach is my shit. It’s just that it tastes SO MUCH. It’s like a transition drug for people trying to break into the world of sparkling water except they just can’t give up their sugary soda ways. I feel like Peach Pear people probs keep a secret stash of Mountain Dew in case of emergencies.
The problem here is the way it smells. I literally crack open a can and start gagging because it’s like cheap tanning oil and when I think about drinking it, I want to vomit. The only excuse for drinking this one is that it’s a skinny option for a tropical mixer, but like, can’t you just use coconut rum?
The OG LaCroix is a little boring because it has no flavor whatsoever, but I can definitely appreciate people who are hardcore enough to drink plain sparkling water. Best part about this one is you can throw it in any drink you want and it won’t fuck up the taste, just make it a little bubbly.
6. Piña Fraise
Ah. The first one from LaCroix’s Cúrate (it’s pronounced coo-rah-tay, btw). I feel like some people are gonna hate on these and be Team Original, but idc because they’re amazing. This one mixes pineapple and strawberry so it’s a little on the sweet side for my taste, but it has a good bit of flavor without fucking punching you in the face. It says “I’m not quite a LaCroix pro, but I’m not a lame AF newb either.”
5. Melón Pomelo
If you couldn’t tell by the name, this is another of the Cúrate variety. It breaks into the top five because of its uncommon mix of fruits that actually works and isn’t totally nasty (looking at you, Cran-Raspberry). It’s like a mixologist handmade your sparkling water for you. I mean, who knew cantaloupe and grapefruit combined could be so damn tasty?
4. Cerise Limón
This one is literally like a calorie-free cherry limeade from Sonic. Well not quite, but close. The subtle flavors are usually the betchiest, but because it’s all tart and no sweet, it doesn’t taste as fake as some of the other flavor-heavy options. A vodka soda with a cerise limón instead of standard club is never a bad idea. But you can just say cherry lime so you don’t sound like an asshole who’s trying to speak Spanish.
These two are tied because they’re pretty much the fucking same. They’re basically only liked by LaCroix snobs because they kind of taste like a fountain Sprite when it’s running low on syrup. Tbh, these two are okay, but not my faves. The only reason they’re up this high is because they’re awesome mixers and go with pretty much any kind of alcohol.
2. Múre Pepino
Surprise! It’s another member of the Cúrate fam and it is fucking incredible. The mix of blackberry and cucumber is like something you’d get at the spa. It’s so damn refreshing and it’s relatively unknown so you look betchy AF and slightly hipster, but not overtly, so when people go in your fridge and stumble across the lavender and lime cans. If you like crafty cocktails with herbs and shit, make this your new go-to.
This should come as a surprise to no one. Pamplemousse (grapefruit, if you speak English) is an OG LaCroix and has managed to stay the betchiest. It has a little more taste than lime and lemon, but it’s still super light and exclusive to veteran LaCroix drinkers. It’s also one of the bubbliest which is always a good thing. Plus, the name is fancy AF. Long live the pamplemousse.
Bikini season is coming. And while going sober is believed to be one of the best ways possible to lose three pounds, giving up alcohol isn’t really an option for us, for obvious reasons. In order to maintain both your bikini body and your drinking habits, you’re going to need to pick the lowest calorie drink possible and, subsequently, pair it with some delicious AND low-cal treats to avoid the alcohol-fueled pizza fest that often accompanies a night out at the bar. That brings us to vodka. Occupying its own space on the betch pyramid of much beloved foods (alongside avocado toast, hummus, and grapefruit), vodka is one of the lowest calorie liquors you can
chug drink, and it pairs well with seltzer, so you don’t get (as) fat. So, naturally, we paired our beloved liquor, vodka, with the best snacks to keep you fit until summer. TLDR; anything smoked, pickled, or otherwise “preserved” works super well.
1. Vodka and Caviar
Vodka is Russian AF, as is caviar, so this is a natural pairing. Caviar is also super chic, low in calories, and can be served plain (no work for you) or on a tiny and adorable piece of toast. Serve up your vodka super chilled with a little bowl of caviar and toasts, and you’ll be the richest-looking bitch around. As for advice on how to earn enough money to afford caviar, when you figure it out, please let us know.
2. Pickles and Vodka
I mean, if you have pickles skewered in your Bloody Mary, are you that surprised that they go well with an ice cold shot of vodka? The sour and salty notes pair well with super smooth Polish or Russian vodka—just make sure they’re super cold, like your heart, or else you’ll get a strange aftertaste. And nobody likes that shit. If you DO decide to pair vodka with pickles, however, be aware that there is a 100% chance you will feel like Snooki.
3. Smoked Salmon
Praise Adonai, smoked salmon makes the list. Is there a betchier hors d’oeuvre than smoked and thinly sliced smoked salmon—king of fish—served with a bit of sour cream and capers? Um, no. If you’re one of the Chosen people (or if you live in NYC) you’ve been eating lox on your bagels with shmear every morning for years. What a fabulous surprise to know that a shot of vodka would be a perfect pairing with your breakfast of champions.
As we’ve learned from Queen Anna Wintour, steak is betchy AND not horrible for you (hello—no carbs and ALL the protein). Lucky for us, it also pairs perfectly with ice cold vodka. So grab an 8 oz., sear it, and serve rare for a dinner, lunch, or snack all of your man friends will be proud of.
5. Ricotta, Goat Cheese, or Dill Cheeses
Lucky for you, some cheeses do pair well with vodka. But beware, betch—cheeses are NOT bikini bod friendly. So, nibble your cheese and take your shot for an afternoon snack, but don’t fucking overdo it.
With summer right around the corner, it’s officially time to get your shit in gear and shed those extra winter pounds that hide perfectly under a sweater but make you look like a beluga in a bikini. Lucky for you, this isn’t your first rodeo so you know what to do: get your ass in a SoulCycle class; trade the pizza for a salad; and cut back on the drinking, which fucking sucks but what other option do you have? “Just give up alcohol and carbs,” those smug sober people who have no fun say. “It’s so simple; you’ll drop 10 pounds like that!” Except it’s not that fucking simple when every weekend I have to choose between having a good time and not offending everyone with my crop top body. Well, betches, science has thrown us a life preserver. A ray of hope. A light at the end of the tunnel, if you will. I’ll stop with the platitudes and get to the point: according to some new research, alcohol doesn’t make you gain weight. At least, not necessarily. You can just call me your very own blackout betch fairy godmother for bestowing you with such good news, thank you very much.
So here’s the deal. Throughout the years, betches like us have been wondering if there’s any way we can black out Wednesday through Saturday without getting fat, and there’s been a ton of conflicting research. Finally, some hero at the New York Times researched a shit ton of different studies about alcohol and weight loss. The general consensus is that moderate consumption of alcohol, so like a glass of wine a day, is not going to keep you from having the body of a Hadid. (It’s your exorbitant cheese consumption and total lack of willpower that’s going to keep you from having the body of a Hadid.) It’s important to note, however, that “moderate consumption of alcohol” doesn’t exactly mean you can get shitfaced three days a week and lose weight, but it’s better than nothing.
And some more bad news, because fuck it: binge drinking—which is defined by lame-ass experts and your mom as consuming five or more drinks in one night—was linked to a higher obesity risk. In other words, despite how much you drunkenly tell yourself otherwise, yes calories count even when you’re drinking. They also count on the weekends. So stick to the skinny shit: A glass of wine, vodka soda, Patron on the rocks, straight vodka shots—you know, the standards—and then maybe you can manage to stay drunk and thin all summer long. You’re fucking welcome.
The new year is well under way and I bet—like, I’d literally bet $1 million on it—that you’ve already broken at least one of your New Year’s resolutions. You’ve probably been grumpy and had a bun in your hair on your way to work since you got back, and I highly doubt you’ve seen the inside of the gym more than once in the past 11 days. Plus, like, we all know you haven’t cooked a meal since before December started. But no worries betch, I feel you. I’m here to make you feel a tiny bit better about what a failure you are. Here’s how to keep a new year’s resolution like a betch.
Instead of resolving to go to the gym every day…Resolve to walk home from work three times a week (weather permitting). This way you get some exercise and it’s fucking cheaper than the $100 a month Equinox charges you. Going to the gym is great, but when you set a goal and are too lazy to actually go do it, you feel shitty about yourself and end up binge drinking wine/eating everything in sight, claiming that you’ll be better tomorrow. You won’t. Just accept that this is who you are.
Instead of resolving to stop drinking…Resolve to only drink on the weekends. You have a full-time job/are a full-time student and as stressful as doing work is, alcohol has a shit ton of calories that you literally just don’t need. However, it’s unreasonable to think that at this young age you’re going to stop drinking altogether. Unwind on the weekends like you’re supposed to and your tolerance will go down, you’ll need less to feel drunk, and the amount of calories you’re consuming won’t be as steep. You can stop drinking when you’re dead.
Instead of resolving to eat clean…Resolve to stop eating pasta more than once a week. Carbs, as amazing as they are, are fucking terrible for you. But, again, you’re young; just stop boiling pasta every night for dinner because it’s easy and buy a fucking bag of lettuce every once in awhile. You can cave when you’re PMSing but only then because honestly, there are other things to eat in your cabinet whether you’d like to admit that or not. Just like, watch out for expiration dates because we know you haven’t looked in your pantry since you moved in and your mom took you to Trader Joe’s to stock up on healthy options.
In conclusion, stop resolving to change every single thing about yourself and just accept that you hate the elliptical and you love vodka sodas and carbs. Just like, stop loving these things every single day and you’ll automatically be better than you are. May the rest of 2017 be in your favor.