The 2017 VMAs might go down as the most blatant attempts at shade-throwing per minute since the East vs. West Coast rap wars in the 90s. It seems like everyone and their drugged-out stepmom came to the show with the intention of
getting some press squashing beefs. For anyone who wasn’t watching Game Of Thrones actually tuned in last night, you honestly might have forgotten the whole thing was supposed to be about music videos. Honestly, we might as well change the name of the show from the Video Music Awards to the Thinly Veiled Attempts At Making Money Off Fake Drama Statue-Giving Festival. Sure, the TVAAMMOFDSGF doesn’t have quite the same ring to it, but it is definitely a more accurate description of what goes on. So for those of you who turned the show off at 9pm because of GOT didn’t catch all the shade, here’s a ranking of the shadiest moments, from most to least embarrassing.
Katy Perry To Trump
Look, I’m as much for shading the Trump Administration as anyone (sign up for The Betches Sup!), but whoever told Katy Perry to kick off the VMAs with five minutes of political standup is seriously disturbed. Like, yes girl, we get it, you voted for Hillary. So did a majority of America.
^^^ See. That’s how you throw shade at the Trump Administration. No need for some bizarre story about being on a spaceship that tries to roast fidget spinners, Russian meddling, and Fyre Festival all in one cringeworthy bit. Did anybody else notice how they kept cutting to Ellen during Katy’s opening? I think the camera guy, like all of us, was hoping that Ellen would just jump on stage and take over.
But seriously Katy, in the future if you are looking for seasoned political comedy writers, my email is [email protected] and my rate is $7 Million p/hour. Thanks.
Adam Levine To Lorde
You probably didn’t even realize this shade was thrown because
Adam Levine is over it didn’t happen at the actual event, but only-member-of-Maroon-5-anybody-cares-about Adam Levine was not feeling Lorde’s performance, or like, any of the VMAs for that matter. Levine tweeted “Julia Michaels gets cut off while she’s singing and Lorde gets to NOT sing her whole song,” because apparently Adam Levine is a messy bitch who lives for drama. He also tweeted “It’s always exciting to see how utterly horrible the VMAs will be. They really delivered so far this year.” Agreed. But like…damn Adam, somebody seems salty that they didn’t get an invite this year. You’d better chill on some of the industry shade. Any person at the VMAs could take your cushy Voice job in a second. Also, leave Lorde out of this. She had a fucking cold.
Taylor Swift To Everyone
The most highly anticipated moment of the VMAs was the release of Taylor Swift’s new
Monster Mash “Look What You Made Me Do” music video, and she certainly did not hold back on the shade. The whole video was a graveyard smash mashup of all of Taylor’s recent beefs, with digs at Kimye, the media, Katy Perry, Tom Hiddleston, and anyone who has ever wronged Taylor in her lifetime. And if an opening shot of a tombstone with the words “Taylor Swift’s Reputation” wasn’t subtle enough for ya, Taylor brings the whole thing home with a bizarre Taylor-on-Taylor sketch comedy moment where T-Swift (dressed as all the Taylors of Christmas Past) attempts to address all the mean things people say about her, but really just proves she’s like, a terrible actress.
Remy Ma to Nicki Minaj
I mean, of course she did. Remy Ma did not waste any of her .5 seconds of VMA camera time
blatantly trying to get some attention dissing Nicki Minaj. I guess Remy needs a new reason for talk shows to book her is still pretty pissed. The VMAs brought in Remy as one of the C-List celebs they trot out to lead into the commercial breaks, and Remy wasted no time trying to make it to the B list by coming for Nicki, adding “Nicki what’s good?” to her outro.
A year-old beef that references a 2-year-old beef?
**rolls eyes so hard I have to go to the hospital**
Fifth Harmony To Camilla Cabello
Perhaps the least subtle shade of the night occurred with Fifth Harmony took the stage. The girls appear with five silhouettes, with one being immediately booted off stage in what was obviously a dig at Camilla Cabello, who left the group last year. Um…yeah…did I say this moment was “shade”? What I meant to say was that this moment was a whole fucking eclipse.
Cersei To Danearys
I mean, we all knew that Danearys was going to show up to the big meeting on her dragon, but Cersei wasted no time shading the dragon queen for her lateness with an epic eye-roll and “We’ve been waiting her a long time” combo—oh wait. This is the wrong show. My bad.
The Game Of Thrones finale was dope, though.
Cardi B To The Police
Cardi B won the “most controversial moment” award this VMAs by using her mic time to shout out kneeling football guy Colin Kaepernick. The up-and-coming rapper took the opportunity during one of her intros to say “Colin Kaepernick, as long as you kneel with us, we’re going to be standing for you.” See Katy Perry, that’s how you do mid-VMA political commentary. You just fucking say what you mean. No spaceships. No bullshit. And maybe a nip slip just to keep things fun.
Honestly, all of these
adult babies people should be glad that nobody watched last night because of Game Of Thrones. The whole thing was embarrassing. Except for Cardi B. Cardi B can hang.
The MTV Video Music Awards are traditionally an event where celebrities compete with each other to wear the ugliest, most outrageous shit they can find. Except this year was a snooze fest and even the ugliest outfits weren’t that offensive. There weren’t any swan dresses or major wardrobe malfunctions, which is seriously disappointing. I don’t even think any real celebrities went this year unless they knew they had to perform or accept an award; the red carpet was pretty much just social media stars. I guess everyone figured the world would be too busy watching the Game of Thrones finale to tune into the VMAs, so they decided not to even make an effort to be extra. What a shame. Anyway, these outfits still managed to suck, so let’s talk shit about them.
Alessia Cara has a zero fucks attitude, which I really appreciate. I mean, she literally wore sweats and sneakers to the VMAs, which is a level of laziness I aspire to achieve someday. Usually, I’d give this type of behavior a free pass, but Alessia wore a plain black choker with Adidas Superstars, which are two trends that the Tumblr teens have totally killed. She also wore some sweatpants that kind of look like gauchos. *Googles what year it is* Like, girl, you won an award. Have a little self-respect.
I. Wow. I’m gonna go book a doctor’s appointment, because I think this outfit gave me an aneurysm. On top you’ve got some party tinfoil ensemble and then on bottom you’ve got sweatpants? It’s like Lorde started making this outfit for the Project Runway unconventional materials challenge and then just ran out of time. If those sweatpants weren’t bad enough, she paired them with Adidas superstars. It’s crazy meets lazy meets basic, and it’s all around bad.
I don’t even know where to go with this one. Do I make a joke about the upcoming live action Aladdin movie, or do I take the ninja route? I’m a huge fan of jumpsuits, but this one is brutal. I’m actually v here for the top part because
I have daddy issues slutty is my aesthetic, but then they had to go and ruin it with some sequined MC Hammer pants. And then Demi paired this all with some librarian heels. What makes this outfit especially tragic is that Demi’s hair and makeup are fire, and “No Promises” is my current jam. I really wanted to see her succeed. I was rooting for you, Demi. We were all rooting for you!
I don’t think that someone we vaguely remember from when Vine was a thing counts as a “poorly dressed celebrity,” but this dress sucks, so I’m going to add it to the list anyway. All it’s missing are pin stripes and then this would be a Sexy Lady Gangster costume from Spirit Halloween.
If you can look past the creepy fake baby Katy has strapped to her chest, you can appreciate the full horror of this dress. This isn’t The Hangover, put Carlos to bed. Anyway, Katy looks like a member of Mugatu’s squad, or like Princess Anastasia gone wrong (Google it, you’ll know what I’m talking about). Honestly, I’m pretty shocked that her outfits for the night weren’t worse than they were. I had low expectations.
Anyone know why Scary Spice showed up with a “I need to talk to your manager” haircut and a giant eyeball over her ass? I feel like she got high and watched The Secret right before getting dressed and all she could do was mumble shit about her “third eye” to her stylist and this is what they came up with.