With inauguration day looming over the nation like the smoke and ash spewing from the top of a soon-to-erupt volcano, sometimes it seems like there’s nothing we can do but despair. But never fear, rising from the ashes is the parody Twitter account we need. Sure, our PEOTUS might be Prince of Darkness, Lord of Lies, but @BridgetTrumpsDiary is here to remind us that even the Dark Lord himself has fat days and gets starry-eyed and tongue-tied when his crush is nearby.
The parody Twitter account gives readers a glimpse into the everyday thoughts and dreams of America’s favorite Third-Reich-billionaire-next-door, filled with all the self-absorption that we’ve come to adore from both loveable fictional Brit Bridget Jones and deplorable real-life limp sack of Velveeta Donald Trump. Tweets such as “Ugh. Accidentally tweeted wrong person this morning. Worried I may get fired from super important new job! Will flirtatiously shrug it off” help to humanize our future Disaster in Chief. Tbh, the account’s diary style reads like any betch’s teenage journal entries after one too many vodka sodas. Just add sociopathy and a hard-on for Vladimir Putin!
January -An exceptionally bad start
Drunk tweeted Assange
Calories consumed -6,000 but mainly the hopes & dreams of the poor
— BRIDGETTRUMPSDIARY (@BRIDGETTRUMPSD1) January 8, 2017
Bridget Trump’s Diary even provides a helpful outline for ways readers might be able to improve our own journaling routines. That Putin-lovin’ cutie uses the Twitter diary to keep track of important information. Her tweets show mindful monitoring of budgeting (see: “I WILL NOT Waste money on: unaffordable health care, tax, planned parenthood, moving to Washington or exotic underwear”), careful calorie counting (“Bday lunch w/ Eric 3,000 cals (Tiger meat v calorific)”), and celebrating times her S.O. has made her smile (“Hurrah! Vlad agreed to recite a poem at inauguration, he said it is more of a ‘limerick’ about a girl from Ealing. Am popular sex goddess!”).
I WILL NOT bitch about anyone behind their backs will instead be positive about everyone*
*Apart from Vile Baldwin & SNL cast – OVERRATED
— BRIDGETTRUMPSDIARY (@BRIDGETTRUMPSD1) January 19, 2017
So, as you’re pounding back shots and ignoring the inauguration this weekend, let @BridgetTrumpsDiary be the beacon of light that distracts you from your terror and misery. Assuming Vladimir Putin’s cute butt isn’t distracting enough.
It’s now been almost two months since the presidential election, but it’s still unclear exactly how all this shit went down. And by all this shit, we basically mean Russia interfering with things to help Donald Trump get elected. We’ve known for a while that this was probably a thing, but now we’re more sure than ever, and in the last week or so there have been several important developments in the saga. Buckle up, because this shit is like an episode of The Americans. But we can’t count on any of you to be up to date with that show, so instead we’ll explain it in terms we know you’ll understand: Mean Girls.
Last week, Obama finally decided to name names and sanction specific Russian individuals for election interference. He also ordered 35 Russian diplomats to leave the US, which is basically the political equivalent of the middle finger. In addition to some individuals, we also sanctioned the Russian intelligence agencies, so like, we are not chill with Russia at all right now.
The plot thickened the next day, when someone found computer code linked to known Russian hackers in an electrical facility in Vermont. Tbh Vermont is kind of unimportant, but chances are the hackers have been everywhere, so it’ll be interesting to see what other information comes out soon.
Everyone expected shit to hit the fan after Obama announced his sanctions, but so far Putin is playing it cool. He announced that no American diplomats have to leave Russia—but like, what if they’re really just being trapped there? We low-key know nothing about diplomacy, but this whole thing seems fragile to say the least. Putin said that, rather than being petty, he’ll try to repair US-Russia relations after Trump’s inauguration. That shouldn’t be too hard, considering that Trump and Putin are already like BFFs.
The US government isn’t backing down, with a State Department spokesperson saying this week that the government is “100% certain in the role that Russia played” in fucking with the election. All of the top cabinet officials and intelligence agencies agree on this, so at this point it’s basically a fact.
Meanwhile in Trumpland, it’s the same old story. Trump’s spokesman said on Monday that there’s still no evidence of any Russian hacking or its influence on the election, because denying the evidence definitely doesn’t benefit him in any way at all. Trump has still been tweeting about how stupid the whole thing is, so like lol. Trump is going to have a lot of work to do once he’s President, like deciding whether he actually wants to trust the FBI and CIA after talking shit about them for so long.
So at this point, what happens? Most likely, nothing. Trump will get inaugurated in a couple weeks, and then it would be up to Congress to impeach him if they think it’s warranted. But who’s in Congress now? Oh yeah, a ton of Republicans who got a boost in the election because they were on the ballot with Trump. Hahahaha fantastic. It’s going to be a long, scary four years.
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