Who here is still feeling personally victimized by the weekend? *raises both hands and feet* I mean, I realize it’s Tuesday—a full 72 hours since I’ve sabotaged my mind, body, and spirit by ingesting enough alcohol to kill most humans and texting every person in my phone who has a penis—but the damage still feels very recent, ya know? If you couldn’t tell, I’m really thriving in this life. My mother is v proud. Anyway, as a result of
the way I choose to live my life these circumstances that 100 percent could not be prevented in any way, shape, or form, my hair, skin, and body are starting to fall apart faster than my credit score. It’s like the world is trying to tell me something? Like maybe treating my body like the floor of a frat house might have more long-lasting consequences than just having to scrub my social media of my drunken antics from the night before? Or that maybe I need to start actually taking care of myself…? *shudders* Nah, I’m not looking to fix all my problems by, like, changing my life and all my habits. I’d rather just take a pill or whatever. Or in this case, a beauty supplement aka the thing that makes you look pretty without you having to actually put any effort into it. Blessings. I’m guessing that you, like me, are also a human trash bag someone who looks for the easy way out whenever possible, so I’m sure I’m about to change your whole life with this hard-hitting segment on beauty supplements. You’re welcome in advance. Anyway, here are the beauty supplements you need to be taking like, right fucking now so you can tell everyone you just woke up like this and actually mean it.
For Your Best Hair Day
Celebrity hairstylist Jen Atkin, stylist to Bella Hadid and the Kardashian Klan
and their wigs, is saving all of our average lives because she just released a hair growth supplement called Ouai Dry Hair Supplement, so now you too can look like an off-brand celebrity. See, Mom? Dreams do come true. The supplement is made specifically for dry, brittle, or thinning hair, but really if you have hair in general, you should be taking this shit on a daily basis. Packed with vitamin E, amino acids, and biotin, it will make your hair look shiny and hydrated AF.
For When You Feel Tired AF
So basically my constant state of being 4-6 days a week. Hey, it’s not my fault I lead a thrilling and adventurous life with my Netflix account that constantly keeps me up way past a normal person’s bedtime. A girl’s gotta have her priorities, am I right? If you’re high-key always tired like me, then try taking Olly Restful Sleep Blackberry Zen Vitamin Gummies. Hopefully, after an extended amount of time with these bad boys you’ll look less like a zombie and more like you actually have your shit together. A girl can dream. These gummies help to restore your hair, skin, and nails while also giving you an extreme boost of energy. Made with melatonin and other ingredients to help promote sleep, you should take these right before bed to help get you into a relaxed state before you pass the fuck out.
For When You’re Stressed AF
My stress levels are constantly somewhere between eating-my-feelings stressed and I’m-about-to-jump-into-oncoming-traffic stressed, and I am not about to get premature wrinkles just because I can’t get my life together. No fucking way. Goop vitamins in the “Why Am I So Effing Tired” formula will save your fucking life. And, no, this isn’t some gag product. That’s the name of an actual beauty supplement. The mix aims to combat fatigue, increase energy levels, and diminish stress by combining Vitamin B, Omega 3’s, and a bunch of other shit that will keep you looking fresh AF.
For When You Look Like The Crypt Keeper
If you’re looking for a formula that specifically combats wrinkles then you should invest in Dr. Barbara Sturm’s Skin Food, which is actually quite an investment because this shit is pricey AF. That said, it really fucking works. While it won’t get the root of your problems (i.e. staying up late to watch the entire first season of Riverdale for the third fucking time in three months, and then being so tired at work all you do is google “Cole Sprouse + girlfriend?” before spending the last few hours of your day wondering why you sabotage your life like this, and then going home to do it all over again) but it will keep your skin looking like something out of a Neutrogena commercial. Really all I can ask for at this point. This supplement utilizes the ingredient purslane, which is an anti-inflammatory and rich in antioxidants to protect your skin and support its healthy function. Plus these capsules also help hydrate and moisturize your skin.
For When You Feel Fat AF
Ever wake up on a Monday morning, bloated from the combination of brunch, mimosas, and poor life choices and wish you could take a diet pill, but without the ephedrine and risk of heart attack? No, me either, I have no idea what that’s like. For the rest of you aka not dirty fucking liars out there, HUM Nutrition’s Skinny Bird is basically what Regina George thought Kaltene bars were. They contain Caralluma Fimbriata to curb appetite, 5-HTP to reduce stress eating, green tea extract to boost metabolism, and chromium to control blood sugar. No, I don’t know how any of it really works but you’ll drop 10 pounds like that! *snaps* Take one capsule up to three times a day a half hour before your next meal so you don’t over eat.
For When Your Life Is Just Falling Apart In General
Honestly, so relatable. I live off a steady diet of cheese and shitty Pinot Grigio, so let’s just say all aspects of my outward appearance are constantly being personally victimized by me and my disgusting lifestyle. If you relate to
my Bumble bio this lifestyle as well, then you’re going to want to invest in a multivitamin to cover all your bases. Ritual Essential for women is one of the more up-and-coming multivitamins for women and it’s supposed to give you better, skin, hair, and nails, and it’s got nine essential nutrients in it that most women lack, like iron, magnesium, vitamin D3, folate, and more. The only bad news here is you need a prescription to get access to these miracle workers. But the good news is now you have an excuse to spend the rest of your day on Zocdoc looking up hot AF doctors to take pity on you and write you a prescription.
Working out might be one way to get fit, but you can improve your fitness and health without even sweating at Soulcycle. That’s because the buzzy beauty brand HUM Nutrition knows betches like things that come in cute packages and they’ve designed all-natural supplements for every beauty need a betch might have. How convenient, because summer means it’s getting too hot to run outside but also it’s time to show off your beach bod. Naturally we’re obsessed with HUM, because we can chill and do less work while still getting hotter.
Speaking of less work, HUM Nutrition takes all the time and guesswork out of finding the perfect vitamin match. Take their 3-minute online evaluation for a foolproof plan that will give you personalized recommendations of exactly what you need. Your personalized plan, courtesy of one of HUM’s registered nutritionists, will deliver real results and protect against future concerns, because we all know betches aren’t pros at thinking long-term. Their pills are GMO-free, gluten-free, and drama-free. They’re basically like the boosts you can get at Jamba Juice, but without the extra calories and without having to like, go to a Jamba Juice because you’re not 16. Here’s the betchiest ones, in our HUMble opinion. (Sorry, had to.)
1. Here Comes The Sun – Vitamin D3
A hot betch like you shouldn’t be in an office all day, because the world deserves to see you under the sun and glowing like the bronze goddess you are. Unfortunately sometimes you gotta work to afford your lifestyle, so that’s where these Vitamin D3 pills come in. Get your daily dose of sunshine from these pills until you’re on a beach resort again. You’ll feel so sunny and bright, your co-workers will wonder if there’s some secret rooftop garden they don’t know about in your building.
2. Skinny Bird – Weight Loss Support
So you partied all spring and before you realized it, it’s already summer. Whoops, somewhere between hangovers and drunk hookups you forgot to work out. This supplement is for you, because it’ll keep you skinny without ruining your vibe. It’s a daily all-natural fully vegan weight loss support supplement that works by boosting metabolism, curbing your appetite, and reducing stress eating. You’re used to taking pills and not having an appetite for days, but this time it’s actually good for you. Enjoy the summer body, betch.
3. Red Carpet – Glow Supplement
This plant-based omega supplement is perfect for when you have a hot date and want to look sexy without putting on too much makeup. Red Carpet hydrates cells, making your hair look fuller and skin glowy, like you just won prom queen all over again. Except this time you won’t have to slow dance with a sweaty Sean McGinnis while wondering if your double-sided tape will hold up your dress.
4. Turn Back Time – Anti-Aging Supplement
You’re always at your peak, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have a better peak. As in, we know you only post TBT photos because you like how skinny you look in them. This supplement will help reverse and protect against aging without botox or therapy. You know how you can’t drink without a 2-day hangover anymore? We can’t help you with that, but at least you’ll look like you went to bed at 10pm and didn’t do 10 shots the night before. This can’t turn back time for any regrets, but it will bring back your recruitment body when you looked hot and full of hope.
5. Uber Energy – Consistent Energy
You’re tired all the time, because you’re small and doing things wears you out, but don’t worry because this supplement will give you the energy you need to stay out until last call. To be honest you’re probably just bored most of the time, because working in a cubicle under fluorescent lights is not exactly Miami during spring break, but take Uber Energy to make it feel like you just got to Coachella and you haven’t lost your phone and best friend yet. This supplement will naturally boost and balance your energy and give you good vibes throughout the day.
6. Daily Cleanse – Skin & Body Detox
Daily Cleanse herbal formula is basically a juice cleanse for your skin and gut but without the pretentious juice bottle you have to carry around. So you’ll just have to find another way to secretly let everyone know you’re better than them.
Bonus: Betches get 20% off their first purchase with code HUMBETCHES at checkout! Get shopping!
As much as we try our best to take care of ourselves and stay on top of our health, sometimes (aka every weekend) we slip up. Like, I can spend Monday through Friday talking about my waspy paleo diet and active lifestyle, but then the weekend comes with like, eight tequila shots, a late-night diner stop, a grueling hangover and a full-on carboload, and suddenly I’m like, barely alive by Sunday night. We did some research and rounded up some supplements that will help keep you healthy on those days where you forgot to eat a vegetable or get more than four hours of sleep or replaced water with grain alcohol. Here are seven supplements you should be taking on the reg:
Taking a probiotic every morning will help with digestion, prevent bloating, and keep your gut healthy throughout the day. Probiotics are literally live bacteria and yeast, which sounds gross AF, but your body already produces them naturally, and adding an extra supplement will change your life. If your stomach is particularly sensitive to specific foods, a probiotic will do wonders for any bloating or nausea you might have throughout the day. Also, if you frequently get yeast infections or other vaginal probs, probiotics might help balance your shit out. Yah these things are like 30 fucking dollars a box at CVS, but just suck it up because they’re the best.
This one sounds gross too, but don’t knock it till you down it with a liter of water. Taking a fish oil supplement every day has been proven to prevent ADHD, Alzheimer’s, depression and anxiety. It’ll also help reduce inflammation in your body strengthen your hair and nails, so stop gagging and order your fish oil. We know what you’re thinking, and no it won’t make your vagina smell or taste (more) like fish.
Vitamin C isn’t only meant to be taken when you feel a cold coming on. It obviously boosts your immune system which helps prevent sickness, but Vitamin C has so many other benefits that most people don’t know about. Vitamin C is an antioxidant, and it’ll help your body maintain any weak connective tissue, like your bones, blood vessels, and skin. If you’re prone to breakouts or blackheads, taking a Vitamin C supplement will be a game changer for your skin.
You may have seen collagen powder being used in a smoothie in some health food blogger’s Instagram story, and there’s a reason it’s completely blowing up in the wellness world. Collagen is a tasteless powder that helps aid gut health, soothes sore muscles, and prevents wrinkles in your skin as you get older. Plus, two scoops has like, 20 grams of protein, so adding some to your smoothies or yogurts, or even your coffee, will help keep you full longer after breakfast. PSA: Getting collagen injected into your lips does not count, Kylie.
Most betches happen to be anemic as fuck, but even if you’re not, getting some extra iron in your diet is so good for you. When you’re not getting enough iron, your nails will get super brittle, you’ll bruise really easily, and your hair might even start falling out. Don’t wait till you look like Mary-Kate Olsen. Start taking a slow-release iron supplement to keep your body strong and keep your hair on your head.
There are eight B Vitamins, and they have been proven to help maintain your metabolism, your muscle tone, and your concentration. Folic acid, specifically, helps keep red blood cells healthy, which is super important for your long-term health. Whether you’re going into work with two hours of sleep, recovering from a weekend of one too many vodka sodas, or just trying to upkeep all that work from your 2-pound SoulCycle weights, taking B vitamins is def the right call for you.
Bullshit ads from your childhood have been telling you to drink a shit ton of milk to get your calcium, but a lot of leafy greens and vegetables actually have more calcium in them than dairy does, so you don’t have to be chugging a cup of 2% every morning. I mean, that should be a given. Anyway, if you’re worried your bones could use some extra strength or you’re prone to dental issues, taking a calcium supplement is a good idea.