Because I have no faith in committing to bettering myself for an entire year, New Year’s resolutions aren’t really my thing, but for those of you who vowed to improve your lives by like, going to the gym and ~traveling,~ you’re probably excited for the first official weekend of 2020. This horoscope is for you guys. If you need some guidance on how to start the new decade, look no further. According to yearly-horoscope.com, “2020 will be a year when all the zodiac signs will be able to take advantage of a new beginning, both in their personal life and financially.” Lol, could this be a little less specific? Can’t wait for what’s to come!

Aries

Aries likes to be number one at everything they do, so you guys are def fans of making New Year’s resolutions, because doing so just gives you an opportunity to meet a goal. Overachievers like you may be annoying as hell to those around you, but you don’t give a f*ck because you’re here to win. This weekend, you’ll spend your days making spreadsheets of your five-year plan and spend your nights telling people about them. You’ll want to get your life on track this weekend so you know what to expect for the year ahead, but don’t spend too much time on this because, if our government has taught us anything, it’s that all plans fall apart rather quickly. Use this opportunity to be a little more adventurous, ya know? Explore a new neighborhood at the very least.

Taurus

From both the internet and my Taurus friends, I’ve learned that Tauruses “enjoy relaxing in serene, bucolic environments surrounded by soft sounds, soothing aromas, and succulent flavors.” Wow, deep. Anyway, even though Tauruses are described like literal babies, they’re nothing if not down for whatever, so take a seat and let your friends do the planning this weekend. Expensive dinner? Sure. Stay in with a bottle of Pinot? Sounds delicious. Go out until 5am? Fine, whatever. Take this time to mute your group chat until someone puts forth a time and place, then just meet everyone there. You do you, Taurus.

Gemini

Geminis are impulsive, nosy, and intelligent creatures who like to know everything about what everyone’s doing. You check everyone’s Instagram stories not because you love them, but rather, because you want to know where everyone is so you can make an educated decision on where you’ll be posted up. Geminis can’t be tied down, so maybe don’t meet up with the guy who spent your whole first date telling you how much you’d love his parents. Stick with Mr. Right Now this weekend, because starting a new decade in a will-we-won’t-we war just doesn’t sound like your cup of tea.

Cancer

Anyone under this sign may claim to be psychic, because Cancers are famous for being able to pick up on various energies. OMG, it’s like they have a fifth sense! I mean, picking up on energies is a fancy way of saying you can read a room, so congratulations on not completely lacking empathy. You’ve been going hard all damn year, so take this weekend to chill with friends. Nothing crazy or expensive. Maybe invite your friends over for a potluck dinner where all you have to provide is the table and your friends bring everything else. 

Leo

Leos are known for being theatrical, and they think of themselves as kings and queens. Honestly, I was born into the wrong sign, I think. Anyway, Leos are happy to be the loudest in the room and love to have all eyes on them. If you’re a Leo, this weekend take your quieter, more subdued friends out on the town where you can drink and dance until you can’t no more. This is your time to start the new year with a f*cking bang, so throw on a blue wig and go to an underground salsa club, or slip into your finest and end up at a 5-star hotel bar, the night is yours to own. 

Virgo

I am a Virgo and I proudly fit into the little box presented to me: Virgos have a deep-rooted presence in the material world. Yeah, sounds about right. Obviously, there are a lot of more down-to-earth qualities Virgos possess, but none that relate to this weekend specifically. Go shopping this weekend. You just got paid, so spend that hard-earned cheddar on that pair of boots you’ve wanted since last summer, then take them for a little walk around your favorite bar. If you’re really feeling yourself then be bold and invite the guy you’ve been seeing for a little while. It’s time for him to finally meet your friends already. 

Libra

It is my personal belief that all Libras change their names to something like Juliana and become yoga instructors, because Libras are obsessed with balance and harmony. Right on, I guess? So start the year on a good note and find your center. Whether that means hot yoga, vegan pizza, and an early night, or a romantic dinner date with your SO, do you. You won’t be persuaded to join your friends for an all-night banger, so maybe just put your phone on do not disturb until the weekend is up. That seems like something Libras would do anyway. 

Scorpio

Scorpios are as passionate as they are emotional, so maybe do yourself a favor and take it easy this weekend. By going out, you’re just setting yourself up to get in a fight with your boyfriend and regret the whole thing the next day. Instead of going out, keep it casual and invite everyone over for wine and cheese. I mean, everyone likes wine and cheese, right? What could go wrong?

Sagittarius

You guys don’t do anything unless you’ll learn something from it. You’d make my dad so proud! You’re pretty much up for anything, so if the crew wants to go out, join them! When you drunkenly text your ex 87 times, you’ll learn a valuable lesson that will keep you on an upward trajectory. You generally don’t regret anything (like, anything) because you’re always on an educational path that is leading you in the right direction. So if you want to crush the last of the bottle, do it!

Capricorn

Capricorn is represented by the sea goat, a mythological creature with the body of a goat and tail of a fish. Wow, swipe right! The significance of the sexy dual-creature situation is that Capricorns are good at navigating physical and emotional realms, which makes you an ideal friend in situations like “What should we do tonight?” You’re the decision-maker and your friends are grateful for you. This weekend, see how you feel before setting the plan in motion. If you want to go out, do it. If you’d rather stay in, your peeps are down. The weekend is your oyster. 

Aquarius

You guys are assertive and independent, so if your friends are all tired from their NYE parties, but you want to go out, you’ll do it. Grab a small group of your friends and head to your favorite bar to see where the night takes you. It may even take you to uncharted territory, but since you’re such an explorer, you’re okay with that. Maybe you’ll even meet someone who strikes your fancy along the way. Sold!

Pisces

Generally, Pisces have a little trouble distinguishing between reality and fantasy, but you don’t really care. Managing expectations is not something at which you’re particularly skilled, but if fantasizing that the sh*tty college bar your friends dragged you to will end with your long-time boyfriend finally proposing, more power to you. You see the best in everything, so you tend to be happy to do whatever the crew wants to do. Just go with the flow and wear something cute, because you never know what’s going to happen! 

Images: Giphy (12)

Me: Amazing news! Saturn is out of retrograde this week! 
You: …what does that even mean? 

You may not have realized this, but Saturn has been retrograde since April and, much like when Mercury is retrograde, it is absolutely the reason for all of your life’s problems. In astrology, Saturn is known as the disciplinarian. It’s the “get sh*t done” planet. So when Saturn falls into retrograde, it can be kinda hard to find the motivation to do literally anything. Couple that with summer Fridays, record heat, and happy hour margs, and it’s no wonder you didn’t do jack sh*t this summer. But all that is about to end because Saturn is out of retrograde and, frankly, horrified at what we’ve all been up to in her absence. Sorry girl!!!

Aries

Pop the prosecco and make out with a stranger, Aries, because you’re ringing in the new year three months early! This is the perfect week to sit down and think about the year ahead, because you’re feeling clear-headed and goal-oriented. What is 2020 Aries like? Is she thriving? Clear-skinned? Rid of all the f*ckboys in her life? Get started on your 2020 vision now. The rest of the world will catch up when they inevitably go Keto for January. 

Taurus 

Get to f*cking class, Taurus! Whether you’re still in school or not, you’re in the mood to learn something new. Expand your horizons by signing up for a class, doubling down in a class you’re already in, picking up a new book, or going down a seven-hour Wikipedia rabbit hole. Pick something you’re interested in and explore. Just try not to turn into one of those people who can’t stop talking about conspiracy theories at brunch. 

Gemini

It’s been an emotional summer, Gemini, but thank God that’s over. There are only so many times you can burst into tears at the same bar before they stop serving you. Now it’s time to stop wallowing and get back out there! Let go of whatever was stressing you this summer *cough* Jason *cough* and watch how easy it was to forge it. Just like Taylor Swift forgot Calvin Harris. 

Cancer 

Amazing news: Saturn is out of retrograde and so are your relationships. While the summer might have brought stress in a key relationship in your life (think best friends, significant others, favorite baristas), this week you have the chance to get it back on track. Saturn is the planet of commitment, so now is the perfect time to actually say “I love you” to someone important. But don’t say “I love you” to your barista. That would be weird. 

Leo

Your self-care regimen has been lacking, Leo, and for a millennial in 2019, that’s a serious crime. This week, take time to up the self-care game in whatever area you need it most. Have you been neglecting your roots? Do a hair mask. Failing to stay hydrated? Treat yourself to a Hydroflask. Suffering from low self-esteem? Listen to Lizzo. It’s literally that easy. 

Virgo

Fire up the ol’ Pinterest board, Virgo, because you’re feeling creative as f*ck! Saturn getting out of retrograde has taken your creative abilities from Nailed It! to Great British Bake Off, and now all you need is a place to channel that energy. Pick out a fun creative project for the week, and I promise you the result will earn a handshake from Paul Hollywood. 

Libra

There’s no place like home, Libra, and it’s time to revamp your humble abode. How can you make your space more comfortable? Whether it be by rearranging some furniture or investing in some new sheets, there’s probably somewhere at home that you could step up your game. Might I suggest framing the Audrey Hepburn poster you’ve had since college? Just a thought…

Scorpio

True fact: there are a lot of stupid people in this world. Also true fact: you don’t have to personally call out every single one of them. This summer you’ve had a zero tolerance policy for bullsh*t, Scorpio, but this week is an opportunity to ease up on the judgement. Do you really hate Meghan because she spells her name with an h and uses the wrong form of “there,” or does Meghan spell her name with an h and use the wrong form of “there” because you hate her? Answer these questions, oh judgey one, and you shall find inner peace. 

Sagittarius

The Universe is officially giving you permission to spend money, Sagittarius, and I assume I don’t have to tell you twice to take it. You’ve been financially responsible all summer, this week it’s time to put some of that toward an investment—and no, going ham at Sephora does not count as an investment. Look into making a real investment by buying something that serves as an investment in yourself (think gym membership) or by making a purchase on the actual stock market. Wolf of Wall Street, here you come! 

Capricorn

Your hard work is finally paying off, thank God. Now it’s time to avoid burnout. We know you’re ready to take over the world, but the world isn’t ready for you quite yet, so it’s time for baby steps. Instead of trying to accomplish an entire lifetime’s worth of tasks in one week, pick like, five manageable things and focus there. Sorry, but being Beyoncé by Sunday just isn’t feasible. 

Aquarius

Boundaries, Aquarius, have you heard of ‘em? This summer you may have let someone (or several people) run amok of your boundaries, but that sh*t stops today. Just because you’re on your phone every second, doesn’t mean you have to be constantly available to everyone in your life. Set clear limits with your friends, family, and coworkers now so you don’t lose your sh*t and go all Gone Girl on them. 

Pisces 

What have you been smoking, Pisces? Saturn retrograde has had you operating on “just ate an edible” brain all summer, but it looks like you’ve finally slept it off. Now it’s time to get your squad in order so you have everything you need to succeed. Gather your “very best people”, as the President would say, and form a plan to take over the world ASAP. 

Images: Giphy (12)

It’s almost pumpkin spice season, bitches. Whether or not you are a Labor Day denier, our days at the beach are numbered. The weather is finally transitioning away from being hot as balls to actually livable as we start shifting our focus from skimpy bikinis to skimpy Halloween costumes! Schools are in session and Summer Fridays are a long-forgotten memory. Before we know it, Thanksgiving will be stuffing our bellies, Christmas will be robbing our wallets, and New Years will be convincing us that this is the year we become a gym person. While the cold-weather holidays bring about self-reflection and solitude for some, others are holding onto summertime festivities until the last possible second. No matter your season transition traditions, the planets and stars have their own agenda. Luckily, they aren’t totally f*cking up our weekend and most of us are destined for organizing our houses, spending time with friends, and relaxing in some comfy lounge pants. Let’s dive in, shall we?

Virgo

To relax or to go balls to the f*cking wall, amirite, Virgo? You’re going to feel super conflicted all weekend and will fight with yourself about staying in and eating a million Pizza Bites or getting a head start on that giant work project. Jupiter is pushing you to focus on home and family, though, so don’t feel too guilty if you want to stay close to the couch and your snuggle buddies.

Libra

Show everyone some love, Libra. It’s a great weekend to pay it forward and tell all the people that mean the most to you that they’re super important. Buy them candy and wine to show your appreciation. You’ll also be feeling extra creative come Saturday and Sunday, so sign up for one of those classes where you chug wine and sketch landscapes or whatever.

Scorpio

Spark joy, Scorpio, and get rid of your old, unwanted sh*t! Target Sunday to get your inner Marie Kondo on, cleaning-wise, but Friday and Saturday should be focused on some quality time with friends. You’ve got Mars, the sun, Mercury, and Venus all in your social gatherings house, so the planets and stars are aligned for you and your posse to soak up some awesomeness.

Sagittarius

Time for a passion project, Sagittarius. If you’ve needed the extra push to redecorate your apartment, open that Etsy store, or take up watercolor painting Bob Ross style. This is the weekend to do it. Don’t be afraid to rope friends in, too. I mean, maybe Jane’s misguided love of crappy art is actually creativity waiting to support your own.

Capricorn

You’ve earned a goddamn break this weekend, Capricorn. Between running around all week and being emotionally exhausted and #done with hot weather, it’s time to turn down the AC and pretend it’s like, actually winter outside. Solitude is welcome on Saturday, so don’t feel weird if you want to grab brunch on your own. It’s totally chill and you’ll feel like a strong, independent person while doing it.

Aquarius

You’re like, really fun this weekend, Aquarius. Basically, Mercury and Venus are teaming up to bring good times (and, potentially, romance) to your front door come Friday. Needless to say, this is not the time to stay inside and binge watch Game of Thrones for the fourth time. Head out Friday night and introduce yourself to strangers (in a non-weird way). Saturday and Sunday are both great days to get out of the city and do some exploring. All good vibes.

Pisces

Don’t be such a f*cking baby, Pisces. The moon is causing you to feel super sensitive, so try to take everything in stride. Avoid people who trigger your worst feelings and impulses, and surround yourself with chill vibes at the beach (probs one of the last weekends to enjoy that sh*t) or a stroll through a quiet art museum on Saturday. Try out a new recipe at home on Sunday and enjoy some much needed peace and quiet around the house.

Aries

Shut down your work email, Aries. It’s been a stressful week, and surrounding yourself with projects and work-related questions all weekend isn’t going to make it any better. Give yourself a break. Friday night is a great time to get together with friends you haven’t seen in awhile and Saturday is prime for strolling an outdoor garden or heading out on a hike – sans cell phone. Get in touch with your inner, appreciative self, fam.

Taurus

Tell everyone how sparkly and special they are to you, Taurus. Make yourself available to friends and family all weekend long, especially in the form of couch snuggles and food. Cook a delicious dinner (or, like, heat up a frozen pizza) for someone you love, or head out on the town for something classy like a wine tasting. Just show those important folks that you appreciate them and take the focus off of yourself this weekend.

Gemini

Be a f*cking social butterfly, Gemini. It’s a great weekend to let your inner performance artist shine, so head out for karaoke and embarrass yourself on Friday. Saturday is a great day to tell someone you’ve been crushing on how you really feel, so it could, potentially, be a weekend FULL of embarrassment for you, Gemini! So fun.

Cancer

Enjoy an easy, breezy weekend, Cancer. Saturday and Sunday are prime time to spend with your girls, especially if you need some advice or betchy guidance (which I assume, is like, always).

Leo

Clean your sh*t up, Leo. It’s a stellar weekend to de-clutter your life, so lock yourself inside and get rid of the Live, Laugh, Love poster you’ve hung on to since college. If you really concentrate on only the items that spark joy, you’ll head into next week feeling light and clear headed … unless you’re hungover, which can happen when you get organizing.

Images: Giphy (12)

Welp, that’s it. Summer is over. Okay, so technically summer lasts until September 23rd this year, but we all know once Labor Day hits, summer is done. Here’s how every sign will be ringing in the start of fall, and mourning the end of summer Fridays.

Aries

You’re having trouble flying solo and might be feeling a little bit lonely right now, Aries, and that’s okay. I know you pride yourself on being an independent woman who don’t need no man, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be in need of a little TLC every once in a while. Make plans with someone this week to keep the loneliness at bay and, please, make sure it’s someone you actually like.

Taurus

The Full Moon isn’t until next week, but its energy is already affecting those closest to you. Translation: look out for friend drama. Whether it be a text taken the wrong way, a drunken night gone bad, or just everyone getting their period at the same time, things could be on edge for the next few weeks. But don’t worry. Then it’ll be over and you’ll all pretend nothing ever happened.

Gemini

Don’t freak out, but you may be facing a rough patch in your career right now. Try not to sweat small mistakes and give yourself a break. Nobody can be at 100% every single day. It’s totally okay to cut yourself a little slack, just don’t let your boss catch you napping in the break room.

Cancer

Mars is moving through your message sector, meaning you’re ready to speak your mind about any and everything. Good for you. This more assertive energy could bring you good things in both your professional and personal life, just make sure to check yourself a little bit. No need to go overboard and tell Megan from HR how you really feel about her Powerpoints.

Leo

Watch your spending this week, Leo! The back-to-school are making you feel like buying a whole new wardrobe, but sadly, mom doesn’t buy your clothes any more. Refrain from any late night impulse purchases or, if you must, limit it to one item. Your future self will thank you when you actually have enough money to pay rent and eat food this week.

Virgo

You’ve been coasting high on your own season lately, but that could come to an abrupt halt with problems in your love life. Are you getting too attached? Are you not letting yourself get attached enough? Make sure you don’t get in your head and make some drastic decisions before cuffing season!

Libra

The end of summer has you feeling kind of low-key, and that’s totally fine! Don’t force yourself to go out and be social when you really just want to stay home and watch reality television. The parties, brunches, and happy hours will all still be there when Bachelor in Paradise is done for the season.

Scorpio

You’re feeling a little bit lost in love this week, Scorpio, but it’s okay. So is literally every good character from TV, film, and literature since the beginning of time. You’re in good company. Take some time to think about what you want, and compare it to what you have right now. You might even find you’re actually doing better than you thought!

Sagittarius

You are thriving right now, Sagittarius, so you better f*cking embrace it. No bullsh*t. No negative self talk. No not messaging first on the apps because you’re nervous. Just f*cking go for it and love yourself, or else Lizzo will be disappointed in you. And nobody wants to disappoint Lizzo.

Capricorn

You’ve got big professional opportunities coming your way, Capricorn, so make sure you have your Girl Boss lewk ready. This is not a bad time to set your alarm a little bit earlier, or to hang back a little bit late. Your hard work is bound to get noticed, and then you can go back to hitting the snooze button until you’re going to be late again.

Aquarius

You might find yourself broke as a joke this week, Aquarius, with some unforeseen expenses putting you in the red. Find some ways to cut back until you can make up the difference. (Nobody likes an overdraft fee.) Might I suggest not ordering Postmates *every* night this week? It could work…

Pisces

Your month of fairytale romance begins now, Pisces! Your knight in shining armor could be right around the corner! Just make sure he’s actually Prince Charming and not just like, some dude named Prince who’s 6’5″ and that he hasn’t committed any felonies (that you know of).

Images: Giphy (12)

There’s nothing more exhilarating than planning a summer getaway. That is, unless you’re a nomadic Sagittarius or Sagittarius rising who literally spends their entire life looking for reasons to travel, so planning a trip is just another day in the life. Otherwise, looking for the ideal summer destination with the most Instagrammable photo opps is always a thrilling experience. But choosing where to go is the hardest part (aside from actually paying for it, of course). And with summer almost over—I’m not crying, you’re crying—it’s safe to say we all need a getaway, and quick! Here’s where you should go on summer vacation, based on your zodiac sign.

Aries: Asheville, North Carolina

I know what you’re thinking, Aries. “WTF am I going to do in North Carolina, let alone North Carolina in the summertime?” Here’s the deal, firecracker betch: With the sun traveling through your domestic fourth house of home and family during Cancer season, and your fifth house of romance during Leo season, your soul needs one thing and one thing only this summer: a cozy vibe. Asheville, with its vibrant arts scene and amazing food, is just that.

Taurus: A Caribbean Cruise

All aboard, betch. I know you only travel first class, but with the sun blazing through your mobile third house of transportation during Cancer season, and cozy fourth house of home during Leo season, I believe your ideal summer vacay consists of lavish comfort, (obvi) and more than one destination. This is precisely why I suggest a paradise adventure through the Caribbean seas as your best bet.

Gemini: The Bahamas

You’re feeing bougie this season, betch. You’re typically not very picky when you’re traveling, but seasons change, and obviously so does your mind. With the sun igniting your comfort-seeking second house of luxury during Cancer season, and your mobile third house of rulership during Leo season, you’re in need of something totally luxe, as long as there’s plenty of variety, of course. So my suggestion is, book yourself a snazzy suite at your fave Bahamian all-inclusive resort. The champagne will be chilled.

Cancer: Rome, Italy

When in Rome. This is your birthday season after all, right? Celebrating all month long is a must, especially since your birthday just so happened to coincide with this crazy eclipse season. Hang on to that excuse while you can. Plus, with the sun blazing through your indulgent second house of money towards the end of the summer, you’ll likely be in the mood to shop ’til you drop. Although, let’s be honest, when are you not? Splurging is your favorite pastime, and Italy will look so good on you.

Leo: The Grand Canyon

Happy Birthday, Leo. Where are you off to next? OK, so maybe summer did kick off on a weird note, but hey, at least you made it this far, right? So here’s my idea, Leo. Since the sun was traveling through your secretive 12th house of all things behind the scenes during Cancer season, and first house of “Look at me!” during your birthday season, I suggest the Grand Canyon. Why? Well, this is a perfect opportunity for reflecting and sight-seeing, and if you wake up in the mood to party, Las Vegas isn’t too far away.

Virgo: Rural Ireland

You’re feeling some type of way this season. Before you decide to take off with a group of friends for the summertime, make sure you keep your options open. With the sun igniting your 11th house of groups during Cancer season, and your secretive 12th house during Leo season, I suggest somewhere that’s both quaint and quiet… like the Irish countryside, for instance. Granted, this might very well cost you a pretty penny, but you know, that I know, that you know all the pictures will be worth it.

Libra: Curacao

You’re on top of the world, Libra. Although, I’m not going to lie to you, the sun is totally igniting your career-driven tenth house during Cancer season, so some of you might shift all of your energy towards your career this summer, but it’s time you stop overworking yourself and take a vacation. Curacao’s sizzling Caribbean nightlife is colorful, lively, and just the right amount of distraction you need to get over your toxic ex-boyfriend. Get the f*ck out of here, Libra. Your summer bae awaits!

Scorpio: Amsterdam

Admit it, betch: Amsterdam is on your bucket list, so it wouldn’t surprise me if you’ve already been there, but summer 2019 is enough reason to pay the Red Light District another visit, right Scorpio? With the sun wandering through foreign ninth house of travel during Cancer season and dominant tenth house of leadership during Leo season, you’re likely feeling large and in charge this summer. So what are you waiting for?

Sagittarius: Catalina Island

Sail away, Sagittarius. I sound like a broken record, but this eclipse season really got us, didn’t it? Anyway, with the sun shedding light on your auspicious eighth house of intimacy during Cancer season and expansive ninth house of long-distance journeys during Leo season, this summer will be nothing short of enlightening. So whether you’re in the mood to take a literal hike or go snorkeling on the beach, this quaint coastal town has your name on it.

Capricorn: Paris, France

Bon voyage! This summer will be nothing short of irresistibly steamy, so make sure to take advantage of this time and head to the most romantic city in the world. With the sun hovering over your committed seventh house of partnerships all throughout Cancer season and your sexy eighth house during Leo season, you’ll be in the mood for a romantic evening beneath the Eiffel Tower, or perhaps a night aboard Batofar. Oui, oui, betch. ‘Tis the season.

Aquarius: Miami, Florida

Your mind is at 100 mph this summer, Aquarius. Take a breather. With the sun igniting your orderly sixth house of due diligence during Cancer season and committed seventh house of partnerships during Leo season, you’ll be in the mood for the perfect getaway. Alexa, play “Miami” by Will Smith. There’s no denying this culturally rich hotspot is everything you need this season, so pack your bags. Don’t worry, betch. It’s Miami… you don’t need to pack that many clothes.

Pisces: Mykonos Island, Greece

This is how you throw a party in Mykonos, betch. No, really… wouldn’t that be the best Instagram caption ever? OK, now I sound like an obnoxious influencer. Nevertheless, with the sun beaming through your expressive fifth house of romance during Cancer season and detail-loving sixth house of order during Leo season, Greece is the perfect itinerary-friendly getaway, so get ready to party.

Images: Leighton Smith, John Jackson, Jad Limcaco, Javier M, Anthony Delanoix, Ryan Spencer, Russ Widger / Unsplash; Shutterstock

Alexa, play “Summer” by Calvin Harris! 

Falling in love in the summertime is inevitable, betch. Whether you suddenly find yourself crushing on a sexy coworker at happy hour, or you decide to take off on a summer getaway where you can unapologetically pull a Vicky Cristina Barcelona, rest assured, the heat is totally on. This, of course, could seem somewhat contradictory, from an astrological standpoint, considering the summer solstice is also the first day of Cancer season. (No offense, Cancer… but you know your astrological season tends to be a bit on the crybaby side…) But in the end, it’s those same overwhelming feels that flood our emotional psyche every year around the same time. Although, if you think Cancer season feels emotionally over-the-top, I suggest you mentally prepare yourself for Leo’s flamboyant theatrics. I truly can’t emphasize it enough, the summer is a panty-dropper season, and if you still don’t believe me, just wait until you get a glimpse of Leo season, because it’s going to be a cinematic experience.

Maybe I’m being cliche here, but the summertime feels like one big supercut from the 1978 romantic comedy Grease. Here’s how I see it: The first half, Cancer season, is a combination of the opening makeout scene on the beach, with a clip of Olivia Newton John’s “hopelessly devoted to you.” It’s sweet, it’s nostalgic, and let’s face it, it’s beyond sappy. Leo season, on the other hand, feels emotionally similar, but has a totally different vibe. This is everything from Danny Zuko’s melodrama in the midst of being stranded at the Drive-In, along with Sandy’s epic, “Tell me about it, stud,” before she and Danny fly away in a Ford De Luxe convertible, that’s been “Greased Lightning.” What can I say? Life imitates art. Real talk, though, who doesn’t fantasize about the ultimate summer fling? If you think I’m exaggerating, then why is it that musicians specifically wait until the summer to gift us with some of the most memorable hits of all time? #JustSaying

Looking for love this summer? See the type of guy you should have a summer fling, according to your zodiac sign below:

Aries

Admit it, betch. You love a man who takes action. You don’t like wasting time, and you get bored easily, too. So someone who’s just as hot-headed, passionate, and thrill-seeking would be your ideal scenario this summer. A hottie in the streets, and a savage in the sheets? Yes, please. Oh, and a little adrenaline-filled argument sesh every now and then doesn’t hurt—provided the makeup after is equally steamy.

Taurus

You want the royal treatment, Taurus. Aside from the fact that you’re one possessive betch, you want a man that will wine, dine, and devour you. Nothing more and nothing less. Just make sure to let him know you’re looking for more than just a summer fling.

Gemini

No strings attached, right? Don’t get me wrong, Gemini. It’s not that you’re against committed relationships or anything like that. On the contrary, you’re very much committed to flirting your little heart out, which is why your ultimate summer romance consists of something light, sexy, and mentally stimulating.

Cancer

Cry me a river, betch. You more than likely have that summertime sadness thing going, like fellow Cancer songstress Lana Del Rey. That is, if you’re not driving yourself mad dreading the thought of your fairytale coming to an end, sooner or later, of course. You don’t do flings, Cancer. You want it all or nothing at all, so don’t bother trying to make yourself believe otherwise.

Leo

You want someone who straight-up worships you, betch. You’re playful, outgoing, and passionate AF… but you’re also incredibly attention-seeking, too. So your ideal summer fling would have to be someone you can bring around your loved ones during the day, and can have all to yourself at night. As long as it’s all about you, right?

Virgo

You’re one picky betch, Virgo. You’re not as traditional as Capricorn, but you still have a type, and you’re not about to settle for anything less, either. You appreciate the courting, but you’re a sucker for the details. So he better pay close attention to you and go the extra mile. Oh, and it gets hot in the summer, too, so his hygiene better be up to par, or else it’s a no-go.

Libra

Your charm is your money-maker, Libra. Dating isn’t the issue, it’s finding your perfect match that seems to be the challenge. Unfortunately, your indecision doesn’t help either, but finding someone you can ultimately kick back with, and have good conversation with this summer will certainly do. Good looks are also a must-have, but that’s only because you’re spoiled.

Scorpio

Sexual chemistry is always a priority for you. Then again, you’re an extremist, so you’re either in it to win it, or completely uninterested. There’s really no in-between for you, Scorpio. It doesn’t matter whether you meet him in the summer or the fall, the moment you set your eyes on someone, it’s only a matter of time before you make them your sex slave for all eternity.

Sagittarius

Lust and wanderlust are two completely different emotions, Sagittarius. But we all know wanderlust wins by a long shot. All I’m saying is, your ultimate summer fling most likely has TSA pre-check. That’s all. You love the outdoors, and you’re always looking for a reason to travel. So perhaps a fellow sunset chaser and eternal wanderer will do the trick. YOLO.

Capricorn

The more successful, the better—right, Capricorn? I’m not saying you’re a gold digger, but you have to admit the facts. You appreciate a hardworking man, especially those with that C-Suite swag. You’re bound to fall for the hottie working overtime this summer. You love putting in the work, and you expect the same from the people you invest in. Time is money.

Aquarius

Relax, betch. No one said anything about making your relationship official. On the contrary, summer flings are a seasonal thing, so you have nothing to worry about. In fact, who said you can’t have more than one summer romance? I know you’re all about that free love, so don’t be afraid to do exactly that. Just make sure you don’t play any of your sinister mind games in the process.

Pisces

You’re a sultry siren, Pisces. This, of course, is especially true in the summer, as you’re one of the few who thrive during Cancer season. You are a fellow water sign, too, you know. And let’s face it, you’re a hopeless romantic, so you’re not very picky when it comes to choosing the ultimate summer love story. In fact, the more dreamy, emotional, and out-of-this-world, the more you’ll likely fall head over heels. What can I say? You’re unpredictably predictable.

Images: Joyce Marie Cantrell / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

To forgive your ex, or to forget your ex, that is the question. No offense to the soap opera-like water sign family, aka Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces, but I highly doubt forgiving is even an option for you guys. I mean, correct me if I’m wrong here, but y’all are the most vengeful betches in the zodiac, and trust me, I know this for a fact. Why? Well, let’s just say, I, too, am a fellow water sign, permanently lost at sea in my ocean of emotions. OK so maybe I’m exaggerating a little, but I wouldn’t be a water sign if I wasn’t. Needless to say, we’re not very good at forgiving, let alone forgetting. BTW, please don’t be one of those people who live their life preaching the whole, “I forgive but I never forget” crap. News flash: If you don’t forget, you don’t forgive. Period. And let’s be honest, a water sign probably said that, too. But let’s cut to the chase before we go down the rabbit hole. 

Everyone treats their exes differently. For instance, the air signs, AKA Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius, were born with a PhD in emotional detachment, and a minor in IDGAF, so even if their exes were to do them dirty, it’s not like they would even sweat the damn thing. At least not to their face, of course. Also, not to bring it back to the water sign drama, but there are some Libras with Scorpio placements out there, and well… that’s a completely different bad trip. Their idea of forgiveness consists of mental terrorism, and the silent treatment, but again, we’ll save this celestial coma for another occasion. Earth signs, aka Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn, have no problem whatsoever cutting the cord, and it’s because they get straight to the point. Zero f*cks given. So much so, their no-filter shpeal could very well break someone’s heart, especially if they’re a water sign. But what would I know, right?

Long story short, here’s how you treat your ex, according to your zodiac sign:

Aries

Have you watched Dead To Me on Netflix, Aries? No, you do not remind me of Christina Applegate’s character, nor Linda Cardellini’s. TBH, the title of the series speaks for itself, and more importantly, it speaks for you when it comes to your exes. Your ex will likely never hear from you again, and you wouldn’t have it any other way. They really are dead to you.

Taurus

You’re pretty black-and-white, Taurus. But you’re also a sexaholic, and if sex with your ex is a must-have, you’ll make sure to do whatever it takes to keep them around. Some of you might even stay friends on purpose, so you can bribe them with the act whenever necessary. Otherwise, you’ll make sure to stay close to their family members in the meantime. Why are you such a possessive betch?

Gemini

Does your ex even know you’ve exed them out of your life, Gemini? OK, who are we kidding? You have the attention span of a goldfish, and the last thing on your mind is commitment. You can’t commit to relationships, and you can’t commit to not being in one either, which means you’re DTF for the most part. That is, if you’re not onto your next victim, of course. Otherwise, you’ll make sure to mind-f*ck them for as long as you live.

Cancer

I know you told him you’d never let go, but do yourself a favor, Cancer. Seriously, IDK whether to call you out, or send help. Don’t get twisted, betch. You are never ever getting back together, so enough with the #TBT soundtracks, toxic memorabilia, and meaningless “hey, how’s life?” texts. Stalking their Instagram and crying yourself to sleep is so 2012. You’ve got to move on!

Leo

Too busy reminding your exes what’s no longer theirs, Leo? TBH, not staying friends isn’t the issue, nor is it the brutal “I’ve-moved-on” vengeance that typically takes place after every breakup. The issue here is your pride, and whether or not they dumped you. If you got dumped, you’ll make sure to never look their way again. Now, if you dumped them, you’ll likely remain friends, and make sure they never get over you.

Virgo

Ruthless much, Virgo? I mean, I know they’re your ex and all, but you really know how to cut people off for good. Needless to say, there’s really nothing to the relationship you have with your exes. It’s simple: You don’t have a relationship. Also, dwelling the past is not your forte, and you’re too busy living your life anyhow.

Libra

Let me guess, Libra. You’re best friends? TBH, that wouldn’t surprise me, unless there’s drama involved, and well, we all know you don’t do well with any sort of conflict. This is precisely why you’re still canoodling with your exes and avoiding the very large elephant in the room, despite the discomfort it already brings. Then again, you don’t fool me, and you betches always have a backup plan of sorts. And you make it happen with all smiles, too.

Scorpio

F*ck, marry, kill, Scorpio? I mean, I know that’s a silly game and all, but it sort of reminds me of your love life. OK, fine. I’m kidding… or not. Let’s face it, betch: You’re like Catherine Tramell from Basic Instinct. If you’re not dating them, you’re f*cking them, and if you’re not f*cking them, they’re probably locked in a dungeon somewhere, wrapped up in chains. You’re a soul stealer.

Sagittarius

Friends with benefits, Sag? Admit it, betch: You’re friends with every single one of your exes, and you’re totally OK with it, too. You genuinely care for them, and since you totally despised being in a committed relationship with them, you secretly guilt-trip yourself into staying friends, as part of your delusional two-for-one package. What they don’t know is, you’re already hooking up with a sexy foreigner you met during spring break.

Capricorn

I see you, Capricorn. Whoever said Scorpio was the most vengeful sign clearly never experienced the wrath of the mad goat. Where do I begin? You’re into BDSM, but if you get dumped, or decide to break up with someone, you get into Mommy and Daddy mode, and not in a kinky way. IDK how else to put it, but you will literally build an invisible torture chamber, where your exes continuously run into scenarios that remind them how they wronged you. Granted, this sounds like a ballistic obstacle course, but you’ll do anything to set the record straight.

Aquarius

Your poor ex, Aquarius. TBH, I think you acknowledge them more now, then when you were in a relationship. Admit it: You’re worse than your air sign sibling Gemini with the wicked games, and you somehow never give yourself away in the process. Don’t be so cold, betch. Some people have feelings, you know.

Pisces

Boundaries, Pisces. All right, let’s focus. You do realize what your ex did to you, right? Your love life sounds like an episode of Days Of Our Lives, except you wrote the entire script, and now you’re sick of watching, and yet have no idea how to get off this nauseating roller coaster ride. It’s simple. Get over them, and go out with someone else. Stop torturing yourself, betch.

Giphy (12)