In the latest story of white privilege gone wild, an Ohio man has been charged with three counts of battery following an incident on a Frontier Airlines flight. Max Berry, a 22-year-old from Norwalk who looks like every fraternity’s president, was caught on video going completely berserk on a Frontier flight from Philadelphia to Miami on July 31.

The video, which was posted on Twitter by ABC News reporter Sam Sweeney, has already been viewed over 9 million times. In the clip, Berry can be heard yelling, “My parents are worth over f*cking 2 million goddamn dollars. And you know what? You f*cking suck”. I mean, I know he’s flying a low-cost airline, and while I am certainly worth nowhere near $2 million (take off six zeros and that’s hitting closer to my net worth), $2 million is not exactly the flex Berry thinks it is. I’m sure the airline that pulled in over $2 billion in 2018 is shaking over this guy whose parents… own a nice house in the suburbs.

Later on in the video, he screams, “My grandpa is worth more than this f*ckin’ plane” before screaming something about a “f*cking attorney” and telling a flight attendant trying to get him to calm down to “shut the f*ck up.” Really checking all the boxes for white dude rage fits. (The New York Times was unable to confirm if Mr. Berry did, in fact, retain an attorney.) Other passengers can be heard laughing, probably because this is truly the embodiment of a terrible joke—or, more accurately, a hateful comment one tries to pass off as a joke upon realizing nobody’s laughing. He later appears to punch a male crew member. 

Frontier passenger allegedly touched 2 flight attendants breasts, then screamed his parents are worth $2 million, before punching a flight attendant. Frontier suspended the crew for duct taping the passenger to his seat as they landed in Miami. 22 yr old Max Berry is in custody. pic.twitter.com/4xS9Rwvafx

— Sam Sweeney (@SweeneyABC) August 3, 2021

Things started to go south for Mr. Do You Know Who My Dad Is when he ordered his third drink on board (he had already consumed two drinks prior to the meltdown). According to the criminal complaint filed with the Miami-Dade Police Department, Berry brushed his empty cup against a flight attendant’s backside. The flight attendant told him, “don’t touch me.”
Then, Berry spilled his drink and went to the bathroom, from which he emerged shirtless. A flight attendant informed him that he needed to be fully dressed and even helped him get a new shirt out of his carry-on. Re-clothed, he walked around the cabin for about 15 minutes.

That’s when he groped the breasts of another flight attendant, who told him not to touch her and instructed him to sit down. The complaint also said that Berry put his arms around the same two flight attendants later and groped their breasts again. When the male flight attendant approached Berry to ask him to calm down, Berry punched him in the face.

The crew had no choice but to restrain Berry by duct taping him to his seat. (The NY Times reports that a seatbelt extender was also used to restrain him.) He was arrested upon landing at Miami International Airport, which surely put a real damper on his Miami trip.

At first, Frontier Airlines released a statement saying that the flight attendants involved with duct taping Berry had been suspended “pending further investigation”, saying, “unfortunately, the proper policies for restraining a passenger were not followed.” Frontier did not elaborate to the NY Times about what said proper policies for restraining a passenger were, and whether duct tape qualified.

The Association of Flight Attendants dragged Frontier’s initial response; its president, Sara Nelson, said in a statement, “Management suspended the crew as a knee-jerk reaction to a short video clip that did not show the full incident. Management should be supporting the crew at this time, not suspending them.”

After receiving backlash for suspending employees who were allegedly sexually and physically assaulted, Frontier quickly backtracked and at 4:10pm ET on August 3, amended their statement.

“Frontier Airlines maintains the utmost value, respect, concern, and support for all of our flight attendants, including those who were assaulted on this flight. We are supporting the needs of these team members and are working with law enforcement to fully support the prosecution of the passenger involved.” The statement also clarified that the flight attendants involved were placed on paid leave, which the airline says is “in line with an event of this nature pending an investigation.”

Berry was released on a $1,500 bail, and the FBI declined to press felony charges. Berry graduated in May from Ohio Wesleyan University where—and you truly cannot make this up—he was given an award from the Greek life community for being a “perfect role model” and for working to “fight to dismantle fraternity stereotypes.” Stereotypes he singlehandedly embodied all of on that 2 hour and 37 minute flight.

A spokesman for Ohio Wesleyan told the NY Times in an email that the university is “saddened to learn of this situation with one of our graduates.” The spokesman, Cole Hatcher, also asserted, “The case does not involve the university, and the incidents depicted do not reflect Ohio Wesleyan’s values.”

Translation:

Images: Jason Schronce / Shutterstock.com; SweeneyABC / Twitter; Giphy

Remember back before March when TikTok was an app strictly for Gen Z, and no millennial would be caught dead on it? And now we’re all racing to go viral on it before it gets banned—TikTok may have had the only glow-up of 2020. But while we were all scrambling to learn the Savage dance, Nashville-based singer-songwriter Drew Ryn cracked the code on going viral on TikTok, for doing something totally new and creative (aka not the same dance or sound we’ve all seen a million renditions of). The 23-year-old has been making music since 2014, when she appeared on X Factor, and now she’s huge on TikTok. Drew only joined the app at the end of 2019 and has already racked up 1.6 million followers, largely thanks to her creative take on the random 3 word challenge. Basically, a word generator picks three random words and she then writes a 60-second song using those words. Recently, the word generator gave her “oppose, chest, and orchestra”, and Drew’s 60-second song went viral, getting over 10 million views in just 3 days.

Because of the viral success of “Orchestra”, Drew is now releasing a video for her hit, and Betches readers are getting the first look. But first, we of course had to ask Drew her secrets for going viral on TikTok. Here’s what she said:

“There are a few main things that I think are important for going viral on TikTok. The first thing, which seems obvious, but can be harder than you’d think at times, is AUTHENTICITY. I can’t tell you how big of a difference it makes when you post content that has a down-to-earth real feel, rather than planned out. People love real. I love real.

The second thing I always try to incorporate in my videos is original content mixed with current viral trends. If you can take a trend and then add something completely new to it, people will feel drawn to the familiarity but interested in the originality.

The last thing that I know has changed my content, is not overthinking anything. When I do my random word challenges I always take the first three words that pop up and write a song with them. I never film it twice or shoot for different words, and I always finish the song in less than 30 minutes. The more I think about it the less authentic it feels.”

Check out the video for “Orchestra” below, and be sure to follow Drew on Instagram and, of course, TikTok.

Image: @damagedmoments

There are certain wonders of the world that cannot be explained. Who built Stonehenge. Who was Jack The Ripper. Where is Cleopatra’s tomb. How is Twitter free. That last one I ask myself at least once a day, especially when I come across content that is too premium to not cost money. That happened last night when, during my usual Twitter scroll, I came across a thread from Andrew Kimmel detailing his recent trip to Mexico. After reading it, completely captivated, I immediately sent it to my friends, telling them it is the most interesting thing I’ve read on Twitter. I know that’s a bold claim, but I promise this thread will deliver.

The thread starts out like many disgruntled travel tweets, with Kimmel tweeting at American Airlines. “Ugh, here we go,” I said to myself. “Another angry rant at an airline because someone’s flight got delayed over circumstances beyond the airline’s control.” But that’s not what happened at all—instead of your run-of-the-mill “f*ck you American Airlines for canceling my flight due to severe blizzards” tweet, I got a full-on action movie.

Dear @AmericanAir,

After arriving back to LA from Indonesia, I was $275 EQDs under (yet 25K miles over) from maintaining status. You asked me to pay $1875 (?!) to keep status, so instead I booked a $400 rt ticket to Mexico for 24 hrs. Here’s how my fucking night went…

— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) December 31, 2019

Okay, so I am not on any kind of status on any airline (except maybe “don’t give this girl any wine” status), so I could relate to approximately zero percent of this tweet. But I’m guessing the gist is this (rich people, feel free to correct me in the comments): in order to be able to keep some perks, Kimmel would have to spend $275 more dollars on a flight, or $1,875 real dollars. That is some ridiculous math, but sounds about right for airlines. So Andrew says “f*ck it” and buys a trip to Mexico so he can keep that sweet, sweet status.

Things start out pretty good so far.

I managed to find a cheap hotel room and rented a car for $35. I went out for a nice dinner and met a family who surprised me and paid for my bill (perhaps I should eat alone more often!). I then decided to hit some bars. And this is where my 24 hour mileage run got interesting.

— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) December 31, 2019

And then things go from “Instagram highlights” to First 48 Hours episode.

At the last bar of the evening, I was presented with a bill for over $300. I had two beers. The bar manager said I needed to pay or he’d call the police. I give him my credit card and it was declined due to fraud protection, which I found out today as my phone had died earlier.

— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) December 31, 2019

First of all, never go to a bar with a dead phone. Second of all, that beer had better be fermented with liquid cold and come with a side of Tyler Cameron if they’re going to charge $150 for ONE. (Yes, yes, I know it’s plain extortion, just go with me on the joke here.) Then, things get crazier.

Of course the police were working with the bar manager w/ the tourist swindle, so the police handcuff me as the bar manager steals my debit card and passport. I’m put into a police car and sit up front with two officers. We actually got along quite well as I applauded their con.

— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) December 31, 2019

I actually can’t wait for the Scam Goddess podcast to cover this con.

The police bring me to a jail somewhere outside of Cabo. I asked if they could at least get my passport back. They laughed and said they’re locking me up for 30 minutes then letting me go. I’m placed in a cell with a guy from the UK who got into a fight.

— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) January 1, 2020

So then the next tweet is about how this guy from the UK is lamenting from Mexican jail about how his wife is going to kill him. It’s not super necessary to the plot, but it does add some character.

Three hours goes by. “Capitan? Capitan?” I shout through the bars. It’s now daytime and my cell mate tells me he’s gotta take a shit, but there’s no toilet paper. There is a blanket covering the window, so I suggest he take it off and use that. And he did.

— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) January 1, 2020

Then, Kimmel takes a nap while his cellmate’s wife posts his bail.

I doze off. I’m awoken several hours later by an officer. “Your friend pay bail.” What the fuck? Im given my belongings and shoved outside where a woman from Kenya was waiting for me. “I heard what happened when you came in, so I figured you could use some help.”

— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) January 1, 2020

Obligatory “thanks, kind stranger!”

I thank her over & over and ask what she was arrested for. “I ordered an Uber and the driver said I didn’t pay.” Fuck Cabo. So now the two of us start walking to nowhere and spot a guy chilling in his car. We ask for directions back to the marina and he instead offers us a ride.

— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) January 1, 2020

The Cabo tourism department (do they have one?) is probably sweating right now.

Imagine if a Mexican & a Kenyan came up to a car in the US & asked for directions. Anyways, we get to the marina & the Kenyan offers the guy cash… he refuses. It’s now 2:00 & my flight leave at 3:26. The Kenyan joins me to the airport, but unfortunately her flight was at 8:30am

— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) January 1, 2020

I have no fucking clue what I’m going to do. I call passport control in the States to report a stolen passport. They tell me to call the local embassy. I call and they’re closed. I ask my new friend to wait in the car at the airport as I run to the airline desk. It’s now 3:00pm.

— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) January 1, 2020

Losing my passport is one of my biggest nightmares, so I can only imagine how Kimmel feels.

I tell the airline agent what happened and ask if there is anything I can do to get home. I show her my Real ID (what a stupid fucking name) and a photo of my passport. She gets on the line with CBP and somehow arranges for me to jump on the last flight out without a passport.

— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) January 1, 2020

So, my driver’s license expires in 2020, so I spent no less than a few hours during Christmas discussing with my family all the different types of IDs and what each one does. And isn’t the point of the Real ID so that you can go to Canada and Mexico without a passport? Or is that the enhanced one? F*ck, they make this sh*t way too complicated.

I’m directed to the immigration desk as the airport and advised I need to purchase a new immigration form for $35. “All I have is my credit card,” I tell them. I’m then redirected to another desk that accepts credit card payments. “We’ll need your passport to process, sir.” pic.twitter.com/WsAZQSuLCV

— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) January 1, 2020

LOLLLLL what kind of insane episode of the Twilight Zone is this? I would have probably snapped and ended up back in a Mexican jail at this point.

I run back to my friend in the rental car, tell her I can make the last flight out, but I needed more money 🤦‍♂️ At this point, I’m losing my shit over just about everything, and she grabs my hand, tells me it’ll be ok and then kisses me 😳 I kiss back. What the fuck is happening?

— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) January 1, 2020

Okay, wait what? When did this go from “friends” to you’re now kissing outside an airport before running to make your flight? I know that this is a Twitter thread, but a little foreshadowing that there was sexual tension here would have helped.

“If you don’t make your flight, you can stay with me at my Airbnb,” my jail crush tells me. Fuck. What once was “get me out of Mexico” turned into, “well this could be interesting.” But of course I couldn’t. I came to Mexico for a goddamn mileage run & I’m getting that status ✈️

— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) January 1, 2020

Alas, it was not meant to be. Kimmel made it home (but no word on whether he made it to his friend’s New Year’s party, since according to another tweet he landed in LA shortly after 1am).

So to sum it up, I was $275 short for status… was given an offer to maintain for $1875 (!?), took a $400 flight to spend 24hrs in Mexico after 20hrs travel the day before & ended up in a Mexican jail w/ no passport, a $350 bail bill, & an African crush. Happy new year everyone!

— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) January 1, 2020

So now I’ve got about a million questions. Did he and his Kenya crush exchange numbers? Will they see each other again?? And is he ever going back to Mexico? Just kidding about that last one. But I really can’t wait until Netflix options this movie as a suspense drama/rom-com with Noah Centineo starring as Kimmel. This was seriously better than half the thrillers I’ve read this year.

The other amazing/terrible part of this? American Airlines responded to Kimmel’s first tweet…. completely missing the mark.

Reaching Executive Platinum status isn’t easy. For those who make it, the benefits are amazing! We’re happy you’ll make your goal!

— American Airlines (@AmericanAir) December 31, 2019

Yikes, read the room. Some intern at American Airlines is definitely getting fired, and I bet legit bars and hotels all over Cabo are going to be falling over themselves to offer Kimmel and his jail crush some free drinks and a place to stay. Not a bad ending to an otherwise traumatic experience!

I feel like the moral of this story is, if you’re going to book a cheap flight just to maintain your mileage status, fly domestic. Oh, and don’t go to a place called Urban Bar in Cabo San Lucas (with a name like that, though, it seems kind of obvious the place is a scam).

Images: JESHOOTS.COM / Unsplash; andrewkimmel / Twitter

Yesterday started out just like any other mediocre American Tuesday. Birds were singing, politicians were tweeting, and millennials around the country were trying to find jobs that would help them pay off their thousands of dollars in student loan debt while simultaneously not making them want to die (aka: the dream). 

So, naturally, when 24-year-old Emily Clow went to apply for a Marketing Coordinator position with the company, Kickass Masterminds, she didn’t exactly have the highest of hopes. I mean, this is 2019. People with their masters are working at The Gap and as the great Pam Beesly once said, “I applied to Old Navy, Target and Wal-mart. None of ’em called me back. Not even for an interview.”

Things are pretty bleak in the ol’ job market for us. 

Clow’s mentality? Best case, she’d get a neat job with what appeared to be a cool, female-forward company in the general direction she was hoping to take her career. Worst case? She’d never hear back from them and will have wasted a few minutes of her life by applying via the Indeed easy application service.

OR SO SHE THOUGHT *bum bum bum*!!!!!!!!!!!

After applying on Indeed around 9:40am, Clow was sent a link with the second part of the application asking about her marketing background, how she would describe herself, to tell a story proving her “grit and toughness,” etc. etc. etc. Usual HR bs to weed out the weirdos. This is where things take a turn for the ~scandalous.~

According to Clow, just after submitting the second half of her application, a message appeared saying that “following their Instagram gives applicants an advantage over other applicants.”

And because our girl gets after it, she gave the company a follow around 11:15am. She scrolled through its posts. She checked out its audience. And then, she clicked on its stories.

There, posted for the company’s followers, interested candidates, and quite literally anyone else with internet access to see, was a bikini photo taken from Emily Clow’s very own Instagram that was posted in JUNE. And because words will never do justice to just how f*cked up this post was, I’ll allow you to see for yourself:

@kickassmasterm pic.twitter.com/rhVUhMTsZg

— Emily Clow (@emilyeclow) October 1, 2019

Ho-ly f*ck, right?

“I was shocked to see an employer I was intrigued by and hoping to at least interview with would shame me so publicly through their company Instagram,” said Clow. “It took me a while to read the captions of the story fully.”

And once she did? Things didn’t really get better. I mean, imagine seeing one of your (warranted and acceptable, albeit envy-inducing) like-trap swimsuit photos being literally blasted around the internet saying “this is how you don’t get jobs.” F*cked up, right?

“It made me feel as if they were judging my bikini pics and comparing it to my work ethic, which they hadn’t even discussed with me or past employers with at this time.”

THEY DIDN’T EVEN TALK TO HER CONTACTS. They just saw her hot-ass profile and were like “nope, this girl posts pictures in her swimsuit. In 2019. Let’s shame the sh*t out of her for being hot? Being confident? Understanding the market of her followers? Instead of just casually rejecting her resume without making a fuss (which is still, of course, f*cked up).”

The craziest part? Clow wasn’t even following them yet when they posted the picture. She didn’t send her Facebook with her resume (because she’s not a mom with cats and attachment issues), and she didn’t even send a f*cking headshot, which is something I guess hot people do sometimes for influencer and brand ambassador positions. She straight up just sent her resume and got this nonsense. And at first? The shaming worked.

“I sat on the decision to reach out for a bit, but I did eventually stating how I had archived the picture,” which is now, thankfully, back. Because a picture that good does not belong hidden in archives because some assholes made you feel falsely inferior, “along with an ‘I appreciate the advice’ message.”

Ready for it guys? Ready? READY? It’s so good. Here’s the response she got:

“I sent an email shortly after my first DM to the company saying how I recently applied to the Marketing Coordinator position. I attached my resume and cover letter for their convenience, acknowledged that they were going through applications, and said how I hoped to hear from them soon in regard to the position. At the end of the email, I stated, ‘PS — Please take down the picture of me from your Instagram story. Thank you for understanding.’”

Even at THIS point, Clow is being gracious despite the fact that this is some mean girl sh*t if I’ve ever seen it. Wanna guess how the company responded?

“The company blocked me after they replied ‘Best of luck,’ on Instagram.”

They blocked her. This “marketing” (I put it in quotes because this is the silliest example of marketing I’ve ever seen) “company” (I put this in quotes because I’m on the edge of my seat to see if this will still even be a company by the time this piece publishes) blocked an applicant who politely asked them to take down a harassing photo of her that she didn’t give permission for them to use. 

Whew! What is this? The marketing team of Caroline Calloway? Kidding, they would never make a mistake like this. Anyway, I digress. At this point, Clow is starting to get rightfully upset. I would have f*cking burned sh*t down by now, but she’s been handling this straight-up sexual harassment with a patience and inner zen that I have never known.

So, after the company put her on blast for no reason, blocked her, AND shamed her, she decided it was time to turn the tables juuuuuust a little bit. 

“I posted a personal story tagging the company and calling out their behavior on my personal Instagram and Twitter after they blocked me.”

Now, before we move forward, I need to tell you all a secret: I know Emily Clow. I’ve worked with Emily Clow. I’ve hung out with Emily Clow. And I get the whole “how can girls be hot and also smart, driven, AND cool” jealousy that exists, but the thing is? Emily Clow is one down-to-Earth bitch. I hate everyone and trust me, I tried. But she’s kinda the full package. So, knowing this, I was outraged (and now officially invested).

So, just after posting to Twitter and getting a HEAP of responses (yet still no response from Kickass Masterminds and STILL no removal of her photo), Clow decided to send screenshots to @sheratesdogs around 1:30pm in the hopes that a large account could help get her photo down. Less than an hour later, @sheratesdogs posted the story.

This girl applied for an internship at a company, and they put up this screenshot of her in a bikini on their company Instagram, publicly telling everybody they wouldn’t hire her because of this photo. pic.twitter.com/aRQF7CqfSF

— SheRatesDogs (@SheRatesDogs) October 1, 2019

Less than two hours later, Kickass Masterminds’ Instagram went private (not to mention the photo was deleted without comment), and less than an hour after THAT their entire web presence went dark. The job listing was taken down. The website was mysteriously down for “scheduled” lol “maintenance” lol. The company metaphorically (and maybe literally) packed up, shredded the files, burned down the building, jumped ship, and pretended this ish never happened. 

Naturally, as someone who loves drama to fight injustice, I had to get to the bottom of what type of company would pull this punkass move. Turns out? It’s a female-founded, female-run company headed by Sara Christensen, who just so happens to be the smiling face of the girl who basically told Clow to eff off. The misogyny is coming from inside the house!

According to The Pitch Queen (where she guest-starred on a podcast):

 “Sara Christensen is the feisty founder of Kickass Masterminds. She’s been a successful business owner for more than 20 years, starting and running five of her own profitable companies. Her largest business was producing revenue of $10 million per year and had 75 full-time employees when she sold it. She’s also owned a Marketing Communications Firm, a Jewelry Design Studio and a Wellness Business.

Before devoting her work full-time to her own businesses, Sara worked as the Head of Marketing and Business Development for several dot-com and high-tech companies.

She’s also a best-selling author and keynote speaker.”

Author, you say? Keynote speaker, you say? Let us dig. I (naturally) had to find her book and (naturally) had to see what sort of ideas she was peddling. Maybe tips about what to wear to the pool in 1812? How to feel less confident in your skin? How to be a smokeshow but not let people know you’re a smokeshow in your posts even though you’re obviously a smokeshow? 

Nah, just a good old fashioned “love yourself and stand up for yourself even though you’re a woman in corporate America” bit. Lolz.

Lurve how this is the back of #KickassMasterminds founder, Sara Christensen's book. pic.twitter.com/PfjLyXUUdL

— Rachel Varina (@rachelvarina) October 2, 2019

So, Sara’s literal WHOLE brand is about learning to stop caring what people think to get ahead in business. You know, kind of what our girl Clow was doing when she APPLIED FOR THE POSITION. Gosh, I love the irony and trust me, it wasn’t lost on Clow.

“I am utterly baffled and appalled that a company started by women and that preaches about rebelling against corporate America would objectify applicants and use a traditional mindset when reviewing someone interested in marketing. I don’t believe it is unprofessional to wear a bathing suit during the summer in Austin. I didn’t realize being comfortable with my body while embodying a strong work ethic was so taboo.”

Neither did we, Clow. Neither did we. To say it’s baffling to the entire internet would be a massive freaking understatement at this point. 

this is fucking hilarious, considering pic.twitter.com/dmjABdm4s3

— Emily Clow (@emilyeclow) October 1, 2019

At this point, I don’t know if Sara was the one who posted the photo or if some social media intern royally f*cked up, but the point is: Kickass Masterminds is well on its way to going viral, and not for the reason any company would want. But hey, any press is good press, right Sara?

“What I find incredible is the amount of support I have received,” said Clow. “Obviously, @sheratesdogs posting my story is the sole reason why the company went completely dark. I don’t know if I should thank them or not for it, but being able to have a voice in a generation where you can so easily be ignored really is powerful. Yeah, we made a small company in Austin go dark because they objectified me, but we still made a difference.

If it wasn’t me, they would’ve done it to another applicant and who knows what could have happened. I am glad to have been able to speak out and shed light on an issue that is very common (although I didn’t think it was in Austin anymore).”

Unfortunately for any of you wannabe marketers out there dying to join this cutting-edge company, it appears Kickass Masterminds is no longer accepting applications. Womp womp.

The best part? After all of this started going down, Clow received a notification that her application was viewed again by the company at 3:47pm on October 1st, a little over an hour after the story started getting traction online. Guess the applicant made quite the impression, huh?

So, when asked if Clow would take the position if it was offered to her now, (because at this point, who knows what will happen? The company could come back and be like “hey! We’ll make you president if you don’t sue”) she gave a resounding “FUUUUUCK NO.” JK, Clow is classier than that. What she did say, however, is:

“Absolutely not. One person said in my mentions to the company that, ‘it should make any person afraid to work in your organization for fear that they are going to be objectified and sexualized for just living their lives.’ I stand by that statement 110%. While I have considered legal action, with my name and face not being displayed in the story, there isn’t much I can do.”

So, what does Clow want to do now that she’s quite literally proven herself as a bomb-ass marketer, having gained close to 400 followers in like, 12 hours?

“I am looking at sales, marketing, and social media jobs. My dream job would be with Red Bull Media. The number of people, teams, and events they sponsor is absurd. To be a part of an ever-growing marketing team whose exposure is expanding exponentially would be incredible.”

Get at it, Red Bull. You know our girl is gonna get poached in a heartbeat because when all is said and done NOBODY PUTS CLOW IN THE CORNER!

Still, Sara Christensen has stated that it wasn’t the photo that disqualified Clow. In fact, Clow wasn’t disqualified at all. From Daily Mail:

“The woman in question was not disqualified because of her social media profile. In fact, she was not disqualified at all. There was no communication to her saying she was disqualified.

She requested that I remove it and I did immediately.”

Weird, because it sort of seemed like she was disqualified when her photo was posted on the company’s Instagram with the note about how that’s not how you get a job. Curious. Anyway, Clow’s response to all of this?

“I would hope they take a step back and reevaluate how they approach the vetting process for applicants. In our day in age, social media has become so loose and accepted by most employers as NOT representing someone’s work ethic and experience. I hope in the future that no other applicant has this experience. Although it has sparked a discussion about social media and job hunting, I don’t think a bikini pic should judge someone’s ability to do a job successfully.”

I’ll say it again for the folks in the back: NOBODY PUTS CLOW IN THE CORNER!!!!!!!!!!!

Images: emilyeclow (2), sheratesdogs, rachelvarina / Twitter; clowd_nine (2) / Instagram; kickassmasterminds.com; indeed.com

If that title doesn’t say it all …

As the internet is the gift that keeps on giving, we continue to find absolutely incredible stories about when absurdity meets weddings. This week’s ridiculous story comes from California, where a woman’s night terrors took a less sweaty and more ER-tinged turn.

Let’s dive in, shall we?

WTF Happened

Jenna Evans detailed that fun time that she literally swallowed her engagement ring in her sleep in a Facebook post that’s gone viral. Read that back again slowly. She actually, literally, had such nightmares fueling her sleep that she SWALLOWED HER ENGAGEMENT RING.

“So, in case you missed it, I swallowed my engagement ring in my sleep on Tuesday night. I actually remember doing it, but I thought I was dreaming, so I went back to sleep. On Wednesday morning, I realized my ring was not on my hand and had to wake Bob Howell up and tell him that I swallowed my engagement ring. I don’t think he believed me right away. We laughed pretty hard for about an hour and a half, called my mom, laughed until we were crying, googled ‘do other adults swallow rings” because kids do it all the time, but apparently it’s less common for adults.”

Let’s all pause for laughter here. I admire this girl for actually TELLING her fiancé that she swallowed her engagement ring, because I think I would have died of embarrassment first. Let’s continue.

“I went to urgent care where I struggled to explain why I was there, because I was laughing/crying so hard. The doctor ordered an Xray and seemed pretty shocked when she walked back in with a second doctor and showed me that sure enough, my ring was right there in my stomach! They called a gastroenterologist and decided it would be best NOT to let nature take its course. (Thank God) Before I left, she recommended seeing a sleep specialist as well. 

Bobby took me to the GI doctor where I got to tell a whole new group of doctors and nurses that yes, I swallowed my engagement ring. At this point, I could definitely feel it in my guts, it was starting to really hurt and make us nervous. They decided an upper endoscopy was just the thing and said don’t worry its not big deal, but please sign this release form just in case you die. 

Then I cried a lot because I would be SO MAD if I died. I waited a long time for that damn engagement ring and I WILL marry Bobby Howell DAMNIT. “

This girl GETS me. Like, you finally found the guy, got the ring, and are literally planning your dream wedding. I would be PISSED if I died and didn’t get to check that sh*t off my to-do life list.

So, Did She Die?

No, she obviously didn’t die, because she wrote about the story on Facebook—and thank God, because this story def makes for something to tell and re-tell her kids and grandkids for years to come. “Remember that time mommy ate her engagement ring while dreaming? Yeah, that was hilarious.”

“So they push the sleepy drugs, and right as I started to feel that wave of warm and fuzzy sleep I said to the doctors, Bobby would LOVE this. Everything went great, they found my ring just beyond my stomach in my intestines, retrieved it and gave it to Bobby, not me. ?

Apparently I don’t do great with anesthesia because I came out of it hysterically crying and was totally inconsolable. They got me out of there as quickly as possible and gave us a list of what I could eat (soup, crackers, light sandwich, yogurt etc.) So I demanded that Bobby take me to In n Out and Chickfila. He loves me, so he drove me through In n Out and got me a double-double, mustard fried with cheese fries and a chocolate shake but put his foot down and said no to Chickfila. I probably cried as I stuffed cheese fries in my mouth. I asked for my ring, he said no. Thank God I had that chocolate shake. “

Again, this girl is my spirit animal. I, too, would’ve broken down into hysterics had no one bought me Chick-fil-a after this f*cking ordeal. Like, I ate a diamond and had to BE PUT TO SLEEP to get it out again. That’s a rough day, no matter how you look at it. (Although I will not publicly support blatantly disobeying your doctor’s orders.)

“Bobby finally gave my ring back this morning – I promised not to swallow it again, we’re still getting married and all is right in the world.”

Wow, like, talk about a great story, guys. That was a wild ride from start to finish. I hope her promises mean something and she really does her best not to eat her ring again. I assume the doctors would find that super entertaining, though.

Wait, What Was She Dreaming About?

Thankfully, Jenna has also filled us in on exactly WHAT she was dreaming about that caused her to swallow her (apparently) giant engagement ring:

“**update- for inquiring minds, I was having a dream that Bobby and I were in a very sketchy situation involving a high speed train and bad guys (I have very exciting and vivid dreams) and he told me I had to swallow my ring to protect it; so I popped that sucker off, put it in my mouth and swallowed it with a glass of water riiiight about the time I realized what I was doing. I assumed this too was a dream, because WHO ACTUALLY SWALLOWS THEIR ENGAGEMENT RING, so I went back to sleep. 

I also had no idea this would go viral – please be kind. I didn’t do it on purpose and I’m not trying to change the world here, just share a funny story and hopefully a good belly laugh. Pun intended.
Ring is lovingly made by Simone Jewelry Designs in Houston, Tx. Jewels so lovely, you could eat them. But dont – trust me on this.”

Dearest Jenna, we hope you have an amazing wedding, honeymoon, and marriage. Maybe don’t sleep with your ring on anymore—just saying.

Images: Scott Webb, Unsplash; Giphy (2)

If there’s ever a time when wedding and bridal shaming stories are not a thing, I will find a new planet to live on. Does anything give us life quite so much as pointing out the insanity that is other people’s weddings? Usually the brides—what with their psycho requests, insane organizational charts, and wildly specific hors d’oeuvres  for cocktail hour—are the object of our unabashed shaming, because no one wants hush puppy/crab cake hybrids, Janine. Get a f*cking grip. But this time it’s the Maid of Honor, the girl you depend on to keep you sane on your big special day, who genuinely deserves a good, stern talking to.

Basically, a super chill (I assume) bride told her bridesmaids to go ahead and “wear anything.” Now, usually, and for those of us with firing brain cells, that means picking an acceptable cocktail dress or gown in a color that’s cool with the bride and NOT WHITE. Most of us would send a quick picture of said dress to the bride because we’re such good friends and, ultimately, it’s all about her. There really isn’t anything wild or groundbreaking about this concept, right?

Wrong. This particular bridesmaid decided “f*ck it” and took the bride’s very kind offer extremely literally.

Maid of honor wears a T-Rex costume after being told she could wear ‘anything’ https://t.co/thD48cRXWD pic.twitter.com/PrkqcEwSGq

— New York Post (@nypost) September 4, 2019

Jesus Christ. There’s not a lot to unpack here. Pretty much, this Nebraska bride’s sister and maid of honor, a 38-year-old human woman, decided that an inflatable T-Rex costume was going to be her go-to outfit during her sister’s once-in-a-lifetime day. Like, how interesting and cool and ~quirky~ do you have to attest to be to pull this kind of sh*t? Also, isn’t this kind of crappy to do in the sense that you’re completely taking all focus and attention off of the bride?

The MOH herself uploaded this pic to her Facebook page with the caption, “When you’re maid of honor and told you can wear anything you choose…I regret nothing ?” and it’s been shared more than 34,000 times. So that’s 34,000 people who think this is an acceptable move, and 34,000 reasons my faith in humanity is diminishing.

Sooo what about the bride? Did she also “regret nothing” in telling her sister and MOH to go ahead and wear “whatever”? Will she feel pangs of horror as she looks back on her pics of this super special backyard wedding day, punctuated by an inflatable Halloween costume? 

Searching for T-Rex gifs is not disappointing.

Uhh, no. Apparently, the sister is totally fine with it—much to my disappointment, as I was hoping for a knock-down, drag-out, white trash wedding meets T-Rex fight on the back lawn of this Nevada homestead. “My sister is awesome and I genuinely was not kidding when I said she could wear whatever she wanted,” Deanna Adams, bride, sister, and apparently super forgiving person told the Daily Mail. Christina, the maid of honor, also told the Daily Mail that she sent Deanna a text in advance asking if it was okay if she wore the costume, and she took it off right after the ceremony and wore a dress to the reception because it was super hot.

I mean, if the bride is fine with it, whatever. Invite us to your next shindig, though, so I can break out my Cookie Monster outfit and do a quick costume change into my wacky waving arms inflatable tube man ensemble.

Images: Shutterstock; NYPost / Twitter; Giphy

While most days of the week Twitter can be pretty dry and only worthwhile when your favorite meme accounts are active, or your friend finally posted that tweet you spent 45 minutes debating whether or not it was funny, one particular thread from @CORNYASSBITCH has the Beyhive and Beyoncé haters alike absolutely buzzing.

On Saturday, @CORNYASSBITCH started the, “Being Beyoncé’s assistant for the day: DONT GET FIRED THREAD,” which is basically a Choose Your Own Adventure game that pretty much everyone is losing at. If you’re a die-hard Beyoncé fan, just the idea of working for her, even for a day—breathing her air, knowing her secrets, the chance of getting firsthand side-eye from Blue Ivy Carter herself—is enough to make you take this hypothetical thread more seriously than your actual job.   

Being Beyoncé’s assistant for the day: DONT GET FIRED THREAD pic.twitter.com/26ix05Hkhp

— Green Chyna (@CORNYASSBITCH) June 23, 2019

The thread starts as a simple choice of what Bey’s breakfast should be: a yogurt parfait or a five-star breakfast. Your choice on this alone can completely f*uck up your chance to continue being her assistant, so the pressure’s truly on from the beginning. Even people who are assistants IRL suck at it!

My own assistant just got fired on the very first question https://t.co/VrTrv8Y26k

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) June 23, 2019

The thread then goes on through many other choices: which music to play, where she should get ready, and whether or not she’d want to hang out with the West family (lol), to name a few. There are surprises throughout the experience (if you make it far enough), chances at redemption, and honestly some of the ways you get fired are hysterical.

How I get fired for the 4th time pic.twitter.com/R9ezC0zmY9

— Melisandre da Flame ? (@Jinadoll87) June 24, 2019

Y’all cheated and still got fired pic.twitter.com/epZG9lSbBr

— Green Chyna (@CORNYASSBITCH) June 24, 2019

I only cheated once to see the different ways the thread could end, and while I won’t give away the ending, I will say I’m still pissed. Whether you’re a true Beyoncé fan or not, if you’re anything like me and waste spend obscene amounts of time scrolling through social media, this is an entertaining way to put your skills (or lack thereof) to the test.

Images: CORNYASSBITCH(2), chrissyteigen, Jinadoll87 / Twitter