If that title doesn’t say it all …

As the internet is the gift that keeps on giving, we continue to find absolutely incredible stories about when absurdity meets weddings. This week’s ridiculous story comes from California, where a woman’s night terrors took a less sweaty and more ER-tinged turn.

Let’s dive in, shall we?

WTF Happened

Jenna Evans detailed that fun time that she literally swallowed her engagement ring in her sleep in a Facebook post that’s gone viral. Read that back again slowly. She actually, literally, had such nightmares fueling her sleep that she SWALLOWED HER ENGAGEMENT RING.

“So, in case you missed it, I swallowed my engagement ring in my sleep on Tuesday night. I actually remember doing it, but I thought I was dreaming, so I went back to sleep. On Wednesday morning, I realized my ring was not on my hand and had to wake Bob Howell up and tell him that I swallowed my engagement ring. I don’t think he believed me right away. We laughed pretty hard for about an hour and a half, called my mom, laughed until we were crying, googled ‘do other adults swallow rings” because kids do it all the time, but apparently it’s less common for adults.”

Let’s all pause for laughter here. I admire this girl for actually TELLING her fiancé that she swallowed her engagement ring, because I think I would have died of embarrassment first. Let’s continue.

“I went to urgent care where I struggled to explain why I was there, because I was laughing/crying so hard. The doctor ordered an Xray and seemed pretty shocked when she walked back in with a second doctor and showed me that sure enough, my ring was right there in my stomach! They called a gastroenterologist and decided it would be best NOT to let nature take its course. (Thank God) Before I left, she recommended seeing a sleep specialist as well. 

Bobby took me to the GI doctor where I got to tell a whole new group of doctors and nurses that yes, I swallowed my engagement ring. At this point, I could definitely feel it in my guts, it was starting to really hurt and make us nervous. They decided an upper endoscopy was just the thing and said don’t worry its not big deal, but please sign this release form just in case you die. 

Then I cried a lot because I would be SO MAD if I died. I waited a long time for that damn engagement ring and I WILL marry Bobby Howell DAMNIT. “

This girl GETS me. Like, you finally found the guy, got the ring, and are literally planning your dream wedding. I would be PISSED if I died and didn’t get to check that sh*t off my to-do life list.

So, Did She Die?

No, she obviously didn’t die, because she wrote about the story on Facebook—and thank God, because this story def makes for something to tell and re-tell her kids and grandkids for years to come. “Remember that time mommy ate her engagement ring while dreaming? Yeah, that was hilarious.”

“So they push the sleepy drugs, and right as I started to feel that wave of warm and fuzzy sleep I said to the doctors, Bobby would LOVE this. Everything went great, they found my ring just beyond my stomach in my intestines, retrieved it and gave it to Bobby, not me. ?

Apparently I don’t do great with anesthesia because I came out of it hysterically crying and was totally inconsolable. They got me out of there as quickly as possible and gave us a list of what I could eat (soup, crackers, light sandwich, yogurt etc.) So I demanded that Bobby take me to In n Out and Chickfila. He loves me, so he drove me through In n Out and got me a double-double, mustard fried with cheese fries and a chocolate shake but put his foot down and said no to Chickfila. I probably cried as I stuffed cheese fries in my mouth. I asked for my ring, he said no. Thank God I had that chocolate shake. “

Again, this girl is my spirit animal. I, too, would’ve broken down into hysterics had no one bought me Chick-fil-a after this f*cking ordeal. Like, I ate a diamond and had to BE PUT TO SLEEP to get it out again. That’s a rough day, no matter how you look at it. (Although I will not publicly support blatantly disobeying your doctor’s orders.)

“Bobby finally gave my ring back this morning – I promised not to swallow it again, we’re still getting married and all is right in the world.”

Wow, like, talk about a great story, guys. That was a wild ride from start to finish. I hope her promises mean something and she really does her best not to eat her ring again. I assume the doctors would find that super entertaining, though.

Wait, What Was She Dreaming About?

Thankfully, Jenna has also filled us in on exactly WHAT she was dreaming about that caused her to swallow her (apparently) giant engagement ring:

“**update- for inquiring minds, I was having a dream that Bobby and I were in a very sketchy situation involving a high speed train and bad guys (I have very exciting and vivid dreams) and he told me I had to swallow my ring to protect it; so I popped that sucker off, put it in my mouth and swallowed it with a glass of water riiiight about the time I realized what I was doing. I assumed this too was a dream, because WHO ACTUALLY SWALLOWS THEIR ENGAGEMENT RING, so I went back to sleep. 

I also had no idea this would go viral – please be kind. I didn’t do it on purpose and I’m not trying to change the world here, just share a funny story and hopefully a good belly laugh. Pun intended.
Ring is lovingly made by Simone Jewelry Designs in Houston, Tx. Jewels so lovely, you could eat them. But dont – trust me on this.”

Dearest Jenna, we hope you have an amazing wedding, honeymoon, and marriage. Maybe don’t sleep with your ring on anymore—just saying.

Images: Scott Webb, Unsplash; Giphy (2)

If there’s ever a time when wedding and bridal shaming stories are not a thing, I will find a new planet to live on. Does anything give us life quite so much as pointing out the insanity that is other people’s weddings? Usually the brides—what with their psycho requests, insane organizational charts, and wildly specific hors d’oeuvres  for cocktail hour—are the object of our unabashed shaming, because no one wants hush puppy/crab cake hybrids, Janine. Get a f*cking grip. But this time it’s the Maid of Honor, the girl you depend on to keep you sane on your big special day, who genuinely deserves a good, stern talking to.

Basically, a super chill (I assume) bride told her bridesmaids to go ahead and “wear anything.” Now, usually, and for those of us with firing brain cells, that means picking an acceptable cocktail dress or gown in a color that’s cool with the bride and NOT WHITE. Most of us would send a quick picture of said dress to the bride because we’re such good friends and, ultimately, it’s all about her. There really isn’t anything wild or groundbreaking about this concept, right?

Wrong. This particular bridesmaid decided “f*ck it” and took the bride’s very kind offer extremely literally.

Maid of honor wears a T-Rex costume after being told she could wear ‘anything’ https://t.co/thD48cRXWD pic.twitter.com/PrkqcEwSGq

— New York Post (@nypost) September 4, 2019

Jesus Christ. There’s not a lot to unpack here. Pretty much, this Nebraska bride’s sister and maid of honor, a 38-year-old human woman, decided that an inflatable T-Rex costume was going to be her go-to outfit during her sister’s once-in-a-lifetime day. Like, how interesting and cool and ~quirky~ do you have to attest to be to pull this kind of sh*t? Also, isn’t this kind of crappy to do in the sense that you’re completely taking all focus and attention off of the bride?

The MOH herself uploaded this pic to her Facebook page with the caption, “When you’re maid of honor and told you can wear anything you choose…I regret nothing ?” and it’s been shared more than 34,000 times. So that’s 34,000 people who think this is an acceptable move, and 34,000 reasons my faith in humanity is diminishing.

Sooo what about the bride? Did she also “regret nothing” in telling her sister and MOH to go ahead and wear “whatever”? Will she feel pangs of horror as she looks back on her pics of this super special backyard wedding day, punctuated by an inflatable Halloween costume? 

Searching for T-Rex gifs is not disappointing.

Uhh, no. Apparently, the sister is totally fine with it—much to my disappointment, as I was hoping for a knock-down, drag-out, white trash wedding meets T-Rex fight on the back lawn of this Nevada homestead. “My sister is awesome and I genuinely was not kidding when I said she could wear whatever she wanted,” Deanna Adams, bride, sister, and apparently super forgiving person told the Daily Mail. Christina, the maid of honor, also told the Daily Mail that she sent Deanna a text in advance asking if it was okay if she wore the costume, and she took it off right after the ceremony and wore a dress to the reception because it was super hot.

I mean, if the bride is fine with it, whatever. Invite us to your next shindig, though, so I can break out my Cookie Monster outfit and do a quick costume change into my wacky waving arms inflatable tube man ensemble.

Images: Shutterstock; NYPost / Twitter; Giphy

According to a story originally posted last week to Reddit by user sistersbridesmaids, a bride, who is low-key pettier than me in my Bachelorette group chat when my bracket gets fucked up by Rachel’s heart shitty taste in men, is inviting her friends to bid on a spot in her bridal party. Lol k. The post was originally written by the bride’s older sister but has since been mysteriously deleted. The thread still remains and because I am a nosy bitch who revels in gossip and Kardashian levels of family drama, I’ve taken time out of my v busy day to go through the comments of said thread. So let’s take a closer look, shall we?

Here’s what we know:

1. The bride is 22 years old and her sister is 33
2. According to the older sister, the bride is the youngest of four and is “spoiled”
3. The bride is throwing a party where her friends, FAMILY, and close acquaintances can bid to be bridesmaids
4. During the party auditions—AUDITIONS—will be held for the maid of honor position

First, I’d love to know more about these auditions. Is this like Miss America? Will there be a bikini portion? Will they be interviewed about their stance on world peace and also penis shaped party favors? I NEED ANSWERS, REDDIT TROLLS. Though I’m guessing the talent portion will consist of how well you can balance a psychopath in a white dress and her entire family while also getting shit-faced at the open bar. #Goals.

Apparently the bride is doing all of this as a means to fund her wedding, but the sister believes the groom is wealthy AF and she doesn’t really need the money; she just likes to watch her friends grovel for her attention for sport. Honestly, she seems charming. Would probably let her sit with us.

So, whatever, this bitch is clearly a self-absorbed asshole who wants to test the limits of her female friendships via a monetary Hunger Games but, like, who am I to fault her? Would I do this myself? No, because I much prefer someone not slip laxatives into my champagne on my wedding day but, you know, to each their own. Also, she’s 22 years old. OF COURSE SHE’S A PETTY, SELF-ABSORBED ASSHOLE. At 22 I was still stealing money from my mom’s purse and calling it a job. Like, give her a fucking break here.

Tbh I think the sister is the shadiest part about this post. Like why tf would you blast your family business all over Reddit? You are 33 years old and you handle your family shit about as well as Rob Kardashian. In a comment to another Reddit troll user, she tries to explain her sister’s actions with the below statement:

“My sister is kind of shallow (bet you’d never have guessed, right?) and mainly only associates with rich people, or more accurately people with rich families since none of these young 20s girls have ever held a job in their life unless it’s at their parents’ investment firm. So most of the people she sent to have the money for this kind of thing.”

Wooooooowwww. So what I’m hearing is:

She goes on to say:

“I know she also sent a few to older friends of hers, like from high school or earlier, who she’s not only lost touch with as they got older but also were from lower income backgrounds. She has no awareness about how inappropriate it is in many ways…My family is solidly middle class but my mom has always envied wealthier people and tried to impress and imitate them. My sister probably got this from her, and now my mom feels like she gets to be part of my sister’s life of partying and shopping and luxury vacations with her fiance.”

This is low-key Khloé shitting on Kris and Kim on a rando internet site, right? Because this shit cannot possibly be real. It’s either that or some dude living in his mom’s basement pulling a Dan Humphrey and making this shit up.

Reddit, I know you probs have some lame privacy policy but I’ll be trolling the internet waiting patiently until you confirm the identity of “sistersbridesmaids” and all of my theories.