This ‘Humans Of NY’ Story About A NC Fugitive Is The Best Thing On Instagram

If you noticed that your friends and coworkers were stalking Instagram even more rabidly than normal on Wednesday, it probably has something to do with the 11-part series Humans of New York posted about Bobby Love. The account, which is typically known for its one-off Instagram portraits of New Yorkers with long captions of them telling a story of their lives, did something f*cking genius today and told a story in 11 parts on their Instagram, via captions, throughout the day. If you’re into learning about crime and the justice system, or if you love a good love story, or both, then stop what you’re doing and read the whole series, and then send it to all your friends. If you’re not convinced, or you are skeptical of long Instagram captions, allow me to gently explain to you why you’re dead wrong about this.

The HONY series tells the story of Bobby Love and his wife Cheryl, a couple who met at the Baptist Medical Center. They were married for 40 years, had children, but the entire time, Bobby was hiding a dark past. And the story starts with the moment it all came crashing down.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

(1/11) “It was just a normal morning. Almost exactly five years ago. I was making tea in the kitchen. Bobby was still in bed. And we get this knock on the door. I opened it up slowly, and saw the police standing there. At first I wasn’t worried. We had this crazy lady that lived next door, and the police were always checking up on her. So I assumed they had the wrong address. But the moment I opened the door, twelve officers came barging past me. Some of them had ‘FBI’ written on their jackets. They went straight back to the bedroom, and walked up to Bobby. I heard them ask: ‘What’s your name?’ And he said, ‘Bobby Love.’ Then they said, ‘No. What’s your real name?’ And I heard him say something real low. And they responded: ‘You’ve had a long run.’ That’s when I tried to get into the room. But the officer kept saying: ‘Get back, get back. You don’t know who this man is.’ Then they started putting him in handcuffs. It didn’t make any sense. I’d been married to Bobby for forty years. He didn’t even have a criminal record. At this point I’m crying, and I screamed: ‘Bobby, what’s going on?’ Did you kill somebody?’ And he tells me: ‘This goes way back, Cheryl. Back before I met you. Way back to North Carolina.’”

A post shared by Humans of New York (@humansofny) on

Bobby Love, who was born Walter Miller, then discusses his upbringing and how he ended up in the situation he found himself in.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

(2/11) “Back in the day my name was Walter Miller. It was a pretty normal childhood. We grew up poor, but nothing really dramatic happened until I went to a Sam Cooke concert at the age of fourteen. I was excited to be at that concert, so I pushed my way to the front row—right near the stage. The crowd was really moving, because it was dance music. And Sam Cooke didn’t like that. He kept telling people to sit down. And after only two songs, he got so angry that he walked off the stage. So I screamed at the top of my lungs: ‘Sam Cooke ain’t shit!’ And in North Carolina, back in 1964, that was enough to get me arrested for disorderly conduct. Things went downhill pretty quick after that. My mother was raising eight kids on her own, so she couldn’t control me. I got into all sorts of trouble. I lifted purses from unlocked cars. I was stealing government checks out of mailboxes. I got bolder and bolder, until one day I got busted stealing from the band room at school. They shipped me off to a juvenile detention center called Morrison Training School. I hated everything about that place. The food was terrible. The kids were violent. I still have scars from all the times I got beat up. Every night, while I was falling asleep, I could hear the whistle of a freight train in the distance. And I always wanted to know where that train was going. So one night, when the guard turned his back to check the clock, I ran out the back door– toward the sound of that whistle. And that was the first place I ever escaped from.”

A post shared by Humans of New York (@humansofny) on


After escaping from the juvenile detention center, Walter ended up in D.C., but his old habits quickly caught up with him, and he ended up back in prison—this time, he was sentenced for 25 years to life. At first, he was placed in a maximum security facility that was pretty easygoing (as far as prisons go, I suppose). He even got transferred down to minimum security, which had far more freedoms, due to good behavior. But eventually, his conditions worsened and he knew he had to escape again.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

(5/11) “Everything changed for me when someone screamed ‘punk ass’ at the prison captain. He was walking through the parking lot. It was early in the morning, and it was still dark, so he couldn’t see who did it. I was working in the kitchen, so there was no way it could be me. But the captain said that he recognized my voice—and he wrote me up. After that he started picking on me. I tried to keep my head low. But the more I tried to do good, the more I got punished. He wrote me up for all kinds of phony things. He accused me of stealing a newspaper. He accused me of faking sick. The negative reports kept piling up, until I was one mark away from being sent back up the hill. And that’s when they started putting me on the road. It was the worst job in the prison. They’d call your name before sunrise, and you had to get on this bus. Then they’d drive you all over Raleigh to clean trash off the highways. It was awful. People would be throwing hamburgers and milkshakes at you. And it was almost winter, so it was starting to get cold. That’s when I started planning and plotting. I saved up my money. I memorized the bus route. I noticed that we always stopped at a certain intersection—right next to a wooded area. And I figured I could make that distance in no time at all. I also noticed that the guard who worked on Tuesday never searched the prisoners as they boarded the bus. So one Monday night, while we were watching the Colts game on TV, I made the decision. That was going to be my last night in prison.”

A post shared by Humans of New York (@humansofny) on

What happened next is truly impressive. Ted Bundy couldn’t pull off an escape this good.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

(6/11) “I cleaned out my locker before I went to sleep. I wanted to leave nothing behind. No phone numbers. No addresses. Nothing they could use to find me quick. Because I worked at the radio station, I was allowed a single pair of civilian clothes. I put those on beneath my prison garments and wore everything to bed. I didn’t sleep a wink that night. Every three hours the guards did a head count, and I kept seeing that flashlight shine on the wall. When the sun finally came up, I jumped out of bed and splashed water on my face. Then I glanced out the window. The careless guard was stationed at the gate. The one who never patted down the prisoners. So I said: ‘That’s it, I’m leaving.’ I got on the bus and went to the very back row, right next to the emergency exit. It was a five minute drive to the wooded area. As we slowed down for a stop, I swung open the back door– and I was gone. I could hear the alarm blaring behind me, but I didn’t look back. I peeled off my green clothes and just kept running. The sweat was coming off me. I looked like trouble, so I did my best to keep out of the white neighborhoods. Every time I passed a brother, I asked for directions to the Greyhound station. Everyone kept telling me: ‘Keep going, keep going, keep going.’ When I finally got there, I found a brother in the parking lot who agreed to buy me a one way ticket to New York. I waited until the last minute. I jumped on the bus right as the driver was closing the door. Then I slunk down in my seat while we drove out of Raleigh. Once we got on the highway, the girl next to me started making small talk. She asked me my name. I thought for a moment, and said: ‘Bobby Love.’ And that was the death of Walter Miller.”

A post shared by Humans of New York (@humansofny) on

This is officially better than any Orange is the New Black episode.

Bobby then describes how he started over a whole new life from scratch, with only $100 to his name. With a whole lot of savvy and some luck, he managed to get a Social Security Card (I barely know what to do with my SSN, so seriously impressed over here), and from there he got a birth certificate and driver’s license. He landed a job working at the cafeteria in the Baptist Medical Center, which is where he met Cheryl, who would become his wife.

But what I love about this story is that we get both sides, Bobby’s and Cheryl’s. Because while Bobby was likely spending his years looking over his shoulder, waiting to see if his past would catch up with him, things were not all sunshine and rainbows for Cheryl, either. Because Cheryl always felt like something was missing, even though she didn’t know what it was. She felt a lot of distance, and that almost caused her to reach a breaking point in her marriage.

And then the truth came out.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

(10/11) “My world came crashing down. Bobby’s arrest was all over the papers. It seemed like the whole city was laughing at me. People at church would pull me aside, and whisper: ‘You knew about this right? You had to know.’ But I never knew. Forty years of marriage, four grown children, and I never knew. How could I be so stupid? I wanted to hide. I wanted to disappear. When I went to work that first day, everyone was gathered around the front desk. And they got real quiet when I walked in. But I told them: ‘Don’t just stand there. I need some love. Give me some hugs.’ Of course I was embarrassed, but I was more hurt than anything. Bobby had deceived me for all those years. There was no truth in our house. I’m walking past this man every single day. We laughing. We joking. And he’s not telling me anything? I was so angry. But I never hated him. I wanted to comfort him. I wanted to hold his hand. I told Bobby later, ‘That’s how I knew I loved you. Because even in the worst of it, I was thinking about you.’ When I first visited him in prison, he broke down crying. His head was in his hands, and he told me: ‘I know, you’re going to leave me.’ I told him: ‘No Bobby Love, I married you for better or for worse. And right now this is the worst.’”

A post shared by Humans of New York (@humansofny) on

I want to give Cheryl a million hugs, and also dollars, for her resilience. Like, guys out here in 2020 won’t even stay with you if you don’t want to cook them dinner every single night, and Cheryl stood by her man even after she knew he hid an entire previous identity and basically past life from her! We all need to take notes.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

(11/11) “I got to work. I wrote letters to the governor. I wrote letters to Obama. I gathered testimonials from everyone that Bobby ever knew: all the kids he used to coach, all the people at our church, all of our family members. I testified on his behalf. I didn’t know a thing about Walter Miller. But I told them all about Bobby Love. And the parole board took mercy. After a year in prison, they let him come home. The day after he was set free, I sat him down and asked: ‘What is it? Are we the Loves? Or are we the Millers?’ And he said: ‘We Love. We Love.’ So I had him change his name legally. And now we’re moving on. I still have my resentments. When we get in a fight, I’ll think: ‘This man better appreciate that I forgave him.’ But the thing is– I did forgive him. And when I made that decision, I had to accept all the territory that came with it. I can’t make him feel that debt every day of his life. Because that’s not the marriage I want to be in. The whole world knows now. We’ve got no secrets. But I think this whole mess was for the better of things: better for me, better for the kids, and better for Bobby. He doesn’t have to hide anymore. He can look at me when I’m speaking. Not only that, he’s hearing me too. My voice is heard. I used to walk on eggshells. I used to just go along. But I told him one thing. I said: ‘Bobby, I’ll take you back. But I’m not taking a backseat to you no more.’ Because I got my own story to tell. I can write a book too. I might not have escaped from prison, and started a whole new life, and hid it from my family. But I forgave the man who did.”

A post shared by Humans of New York (@humansofny) on

Personally, I feel like if you escape from prison and are able to outsmart the system for longer than you were in the system, they should be like, “ok you got us, we’ll call it a wash.” But I guess that’s why I don’t actually work in the justice system and I just bullsh*t about it on a podcast. Or maybe I should run for judge…

I only included a few selections of Bobby and Cheryl’s unbelievable story, but I highly, highly recommend you head over to the Humans of New York Instagram page and read the entire thing. I’m really not doing it justice here. This story is seriously incredible. I mean, it has everything: multiple escapes from incarceration. A second life. A love story. This is officially the only thing I care about.

I can’t wait for the bidding war that is bound to ensue over the rights to Bobby and Cheryl’s story. I’m hoping they each write a book, and then those books get individual series on Netflix and Hulu, and they live happily ever after. But until that happens, read the whole story in all its incredible 11 parts on Humans of New York, and then cancel all your plans so you can talk about it with everyone you know.

Images: Humans Of New York / Instagram (7)

Crazy Wedding Story Of The Week: Bride Scams Friends & Family Out Of $30K In Wedding Donations

Whether you hate the wedding-industrial complex, are a bride planning a wedding and want to feel better about your own demands, or just need something to read, we’re doing a new series where we share the craziest, most out-of-touch wedding story we found on the internet that week. Submit your own crazy wedding stories to [email protected] with the subject line Crazy Wedding Story, and we just might feature yours. And make sure to follow @BetchesBrides on Instagram and subscribe to our podcast, Betches Brides.

Welcome back to another Crazy Wedding Story of the week. This one is especially crazy and convoluted. It has everything: a ridiculously demanding bride, angry family members threatening to sue, and a twist you definitely won’t see coming. You’re so welcome that I’ve brought you this juicy incident to brighten your Wednesday. I know, I know—I deserve a f*cking medal. Or, in lieu of a medal, I will also accept $30,000 in donations—you’ll see why in a sec. I can’t really give an introduction to this story without giving too much of it away, so let’s just cut right to the chase.

The Set-Up

Today’s crazy wedding story comes to us via the Choosing Beggars subreddit, which proves in and of itself to be gold. The premise of the subreddit is exposing choosy beggars, i.e., people who expect ridiculous freebies for no good reason. Highly recommend for your procrastinating-at-work pleasure. So when someone posted screenshots to r/choosingbeggars of a Facebook post in which a bride reveals she’s canceling her wedding after receiving a whopping $30,000 in donations, the post quickly went viral on the subreddit. Just in case we have some dirty deleting on our hands, here’s the screenshot of what went down:

HOLY SH*T. First of all, it’s nuts that this couple managed to raise $30,000 BEFORE the wedding. But that’s obviously not the real issue here. How in the actual sh*t does someone think it’s okay to collect tens of thousands of dollars from their friends and family, then pull a bait-and-switch? Then ask for MORE money and gifts?? The audacity of these people. I would be mildly impressed if I didn’t want to slap the sh*t out of them.

The thing with donating money to a cause is that you typically expect the money you give will, in fact, go to that cause. Sooooo flip-flopping and saying that you suddenly need to use that money for a lavish honeymoon BEFORE you’re even married (which, let’s be real, is simply a vacation) and to get yourselves financially stable, makes actually zero sense.

Here’s a hot tip: if you’re not financially stable, you probs shouldn’t be taking a $30k honeymoon. I’m no business insider, but that seems like pretty legit advice, right?

Also, you know that “rescheduled wedding” ain’t happenin’ and this is just a blatant cash grab. If I knew this person, not only would they not get another gift from me for their honeymoon, but they would never see another cent from me as long as we both shall live.

The Backlash

NATURALLY, every family member, guest, and wedding party member rightly freaked the f*ck out. The screenshots for you, my loves:

There’s so much more than even these, but can I get a rich uncle who just gives me like $12k? That’d be tight. Also, can we not with the one bridesmaid that’s like “I gave you $200 and I love you—I’m such a good friend”? Alright, Gretchen Wieners, take it easy.

The Plot Thickens

If the initial post and comments seemed a little wild even for the average psycho wedding story, you aren’t alone in being all, “hmmm.”

The detectives at Buzzfeed did some sleuthing and it looks as though this entire incident could have been a marketing ploy by some bullsh*t company. I mean, good job, marketing assholes. The post went up on Reddit on Monday and quickly was shared, like, everywhere because of how purely insane it is.

More screenshots of the family responses popped up on Monday night, but only via some f*cking website we’ve never heard of called CapturedIt.club, which seems a little weird. When it did go up, literally NOTHING ELSE was on the website. Sketch.

Any additional “comments” from family members had the Captured It Club watermark, which, like, again, seems a bit odd. If these are real screenshots, why are they watermarked with some rando website’s name? Damn, how did none of us pick up on this? I feel like a fool. Even more questionable, none of the Facebook posts had any reactions, which is pretty weird. You would think something of this caliber would be a sea of angry face emojis, wow faces, and dislike buttons. The nail in the coffin, though, is that GoFundMe has no record of a bride named Pam and her supposed fiancé, Edward. And despite mentioning an Amazon registry in her original post, no such Amazon registry for a Pam and Edward exists.

And, after Buzzfeed published their article exposing the fact that this whole story may have been a PR stunt, capturedit.club took everything down off their website and replaced it with this screenshot:

$30,000 in wedding donations

So… it looks like we’ve all been hustled, scammed, bamboozled, led astray. But now I have more questions than answers. Who/what is Ben Hobbs? What the f*ck is the point of this capturedit.club website in the first place? Why were we all so eager to believe that someone would scam their friends and family out of $30,000?

I guess I’ve got to hand it to the people behind this weird-ass website for fooling us all. But, honestly, I’m kind of sad this isn’t real. What does that say about me? Perhaps I’ll grapple with these existential dilemmas in next week’s crazy wedding story.

Images: Vitaliy Karimov / Shutterstock.com; Choosing Beggars / Reddit (6)

Crazy Wedding Story Of The Week: A Cash Bar Gone Wrong

Whether you hate the wedding-industrial complex, are a bride planning a wedding and want to feel better about your own demands, or just need something to read, we’re doing a new series where we share the craziest, most out-of-touch wedding story we found on the internet that week. Submit your own crazy wedding stories to [email protected] with the subject line Crazy Wedding Story, and we just might feature yours. And make sure to follow @BetchesBrides on Instagram and subscribe to our podcast, Betches Brides.

There are few things I live for in this world, but one of my top reasons to continue on comes in the form of insane wedding stories. I just can’t get enough of them. I love judging people and using their outrageous demands as a way to self-soothe for the fact that I will likely never have a wedding of my own if I continue on at the rate I’m going, sue me!

In any case, I found this story when I was doing my nightly (okay, hourly) browse of the Am I The Asshole? subreddit, aka r/amitheasshole. Our inaugural Crazy Wedding Story of the Week comes from a bride who wants a cash bar… but it’s of course not that simple. If it were, I wouldn’t be here, poised and ready to drag her.

Reddit user cashbarwedding writes, “Ok so me (f25) and my fiance (m24) are getting married next year and like many people our age we are pretty grossed out by the wedding industry and are trying to keep our wedding as cheap as possible. 
So for example we are having the ceremony and reception at my uncle’s farm (free of charge) out in the country, my good friend from college who owns a catering business agreed to do our catering for free as a wedding gift, and my fiancé’s good friends with a band that will play at our wedding for free also as a wedding gift. We got my dress and his suit from Goodwill and got them altered. Everything said and done we will be paying less than $2k for our wedding.”

Okay, look, there’s no shame in being thrifty for your wedding. However, as commenters were quick to point out, free catering for 150 people is a huge ask—many added that this could easily come to $6,000 with food and labor costs. But, whatever, maybe that friend is really generous.

But hold onto your wallets, because it gets worse.

“Now we get to the alcohol. We’re having a semi-big wedding (150 people – we have a ton of friends and family coming from all over) and the idea of paying for all of that booze is making us stressed out. It’d be at least $1k. We thought about it and decided to do a cash bar. We figured we could buy the booze and pay one of my cousins to be bartender for the night, and we realized we could probably recoup some of our costs on the other wedding expenses by charging moderate prices for drinks – win-win! We were set on this idea until I brought it up with one of my bridesmaids and she flipped out and said that would be incredibly tacky.”

Sometimes, an entire verdict can be decided on one turn of phrase. In this case, it all comes down to this statement: “we could probably recoup some of our costs on the other wedding expenses.” I can’t believe I even have to say this, but it is incredibly tacky to use your guests to turn a profit on your wedding! Reddit user bisexualsquirrel agreed with me, commenting, “YTA. It would be a different thing if you were to just sell the drinks at the price you bought them for and break even(Which is still a little tacky). But instead, you are charging your friends and family more than the drink is worth in order to make a profit.” How does OP think their guests will feel once they realize the couple was basically using them to fund their wedding?

Also, as other Redditors pointed out, there are plenty of options that don’t require you to drop half your wedding budget on booze while also not making your guests foot the bill for it. One, obviously, you could have a BYOB wedding, which I’m sure people would be way happier with. Personally, I would way rather bring my own $7 bottle of wine than have to pay $6 per glass. Or, as FrasierCraneDayOff said, you could get, “2 kegs, sodas, a few mixers, and you can probably get 100+ people pretty drunk for like $500-700.” They further explained, “Cash bars are only appropriate at a venue that requires them. Dude is probably going to get enough cash gifts to cover the bar costs anyways. I mean, what are you going to do, charge people $0.50/cup for a keg? Super tacky after they brought you a $50 gift.” Yeah, there are definitely other options here.

OP closed with the following admission: “I was sort of taken aback by this. I’ve looked online and cash bars at weddings are pretty common. it seems ridiculous to pay to get everyone drunk. My other friends and family seem pretty split and I’m starting to wonder if this is actually a faux pas. Am I the asshole?”

Yes, cash bars are pretty common, but typically that happens at venues where you are paying for a drink package—not your uncle’s barn where you can do whatever you want. And, while I’m all for doing a wedding on a budget, it seems kind of crazy to have a 150-person wedding if you simply cannot afford it. There are other ways to offset wedding costs than having your guests indirectly fund it, like downsizing your guest list, or again, making it BYOB. This couple is already being just about as frugal as they can be on this wedding, but this cash bar that’s meant to “recoup some of our other costs” is just a step too far. I guess it would be one thing to break even with the price of the drinks, and I couldn’t be too mad at that. But really, the funniest thing I think is that OP thinks this solution is a win-win. A win-win for whom? She and her husband win, but how do the guests win in this scenario? I don’t think OP is aware that “win-win” is supposed to refer to a mutually beneficial situation, not one in which you benefit off of others’ contributions and they get little in return. In any case, if they are going to make money off their wedding guests, then I really hope they are adamantly turning away any gifts they may receive.

Got a crazy wedding story you want featured on Betches? Email [email protected] with the subject line Crazy Wedding Story.

Images: Micheile Henderson / Unsplash

The Story Of A Woman Who Swallowed Her Engagement Ring Is Hilarious

If that title doesn’t say it all …

As the internet is the gift that keeps on giving, we continue to find absolutely incredible stories about when absurdity meets weddings. This week’s ridiculous story comes from California, where a woman’s night terrors took a less sweaty and more ER-tinged turn.

Let’s dive in, shall we?

WTF Happened

Jenna Evans detailed that fun time that she literally swallowed her engagement ring in her sleep in a Facebook post that’s gone viral. Read that back again slowly. She actually, literally, had such nightmares fueling her sleep that she SWALLOWED HER ENGAGEMENT RING.

“So, in case you missed it, I swallowed my engagement ring in my sleep on Tuesday night. I actually remember doing it, but I thought I was dreaming, so I went back to sleep. On Wednesday morning, I realized my ring was not on my hand and had to wake Bob Howell up and tell him that I swallowed my engagement ring. I don’t think he believed me right away. We laughed pretty hard for about an hour and a half, called my mom, laughed until we were crying, googled ‘do other adults swallow rings” because kids do it all the time, but apparently it’s less common for adults.”

Let’s all pause for laughter here. I admire this girl for actually TELLING her fiancé that she swallowed her engagement ring, because I think I would have died of embarrassment first. Let’s continue.

“I went to urgent care where I struggled to explain why I was there, because I was laughing/crying so hard. The doctor ordered an Xray and seemed pretty shocked when she walked back in with a second doctor and showed me that sure enough, my ring was right there in my stomach! They called a gastroenterologist and decided it would be best NOT to let nature take its course. (Thank God) Before I left, she recommended seeing a sleep specialist as well. 

Bobby took me to the GI doctor where I got to tell a whole new group of doctors and nurses that yes, I swallowed my engagement ring. At this point, I could definitely feel it in my guts, it was starting to really hurt and make us nervous. They decided an upper endoscopy was just the thing and said don’t worry its not big deal, but please sign this release form just in case you die. 

Then I cried a lot because I would be SO MAD if I died. I waited a long time for that damn engagement ring and I WILL marry Bobby Howell DAMNIT. “

This girl GETS me. Like, you finally found the guy, got the ring, and are literally planning your dream wedding. I would be PISSED if I died and didn’t get to check that sh*t off my to-do life list.

So, Did She Die?

No, she obviously didn’t die, because she wrote about the story on Facebook—and thank God, because this story def makes for something to tell and re-tell her kids and grandkids for years to come. “Remember that time mommy ate her engagement ring while dreaming? Yeah, that was hilarious.”

“So they push the sleepy drugs, and right as I started to feel that wave of warm and fuzzy sleep I said to the doctors, Bobby would LOVE this. Everything went great, they found my ring just beyond my stomach in my intestines, retrieved it and gave it to Bobby, not me. ?

Apparently I don’t do great with anesthesia because I came out of it hysterically crying and was totally inconsolable. They got me out of there as quickly as possible and gave us a list of what I could eat (soup, crackers, light sandwich, yogurt etc.) So I demanded that Bobby take me to In n Out and Chickfila. He loves me, so he drove me through In n Out and got me a double-double, mustard fried with cheese fries and a chocolate shake but put his foot down and said no to Chickfila. I probably cried as I stuffed cheese fries in my mouth. I asked for my ring, he said no. Thank God I had that chocolate shake. “

Again, this girl is my spirit animal. I, too, would’ve broken down into hysterics had no one bought me Chick-fil-a after this f*cking ordeal. Like, I ate a diamond and had to BE PUT TO SLEEP to get it out again. That’s a rough day, no matter how you look at it. (Although I will not publicly support blatantly disobeying your doctor’s orders.)

“Bobby finally gave my ring back this morning – I promised not to swallow it again, we’re still getting married and all is right in the world.”

Wow, like, talk about a great story, guys. That was a wild ride from start to finish. I hope her promises mean something and she really does her best not to eat her ring again. I assume the doctors would find that super entertaining, though.

Wait, What Was She Dreaming About?

Thankfully, Jenna has also filled us in on exactly WHAT she was dreaming about that caused her to swallow her (apparently) giant engagement ring:

“**update- for inquiring minds, I was having a dream that Bobby and I were in a very sketchy situation involving a high speed train and bad guys (I have very exciting and vivid dreams) and he told me I had to swallow my ring to protect it; so I popped that sucker off, put it in my mouth and swallowed it with a glass of water riiiight about the time I realized what I was doing. I assumed this too was a dream, because WHO ACTUALLY SWALLOWS THEIR ENGAGEMENT RING, so I went back to sleep. 

I also had no idea this would go viral – please be kind. I didn’t do it on purpose and I’m not trying to change the world here, just share a funny story and hopefully a good belly laugh. Pun intended.
Ring is lovingly made by Simone Jewelry Designs in Houston, Tx. Jewels so lovely, you could eat them. But dont – trust me on this.”

Dearest Jenna, we hope you have an amazing wedding, honeymoon, and marriage. Maybe don’t sleep with your ring on anymore—just saying.

Images: Scott Webb, Unsplash; Giphy (2)

This Maid Of Honor Wore A T-Rex Costume To Her Sister’s Wedding

If there’s ever a time when wedding and bridal shaming stories are not a thing, I will find a new planet to live on. Does anything give us life quite so much as pointing out the insanity that is other people’s weddings? Usually the brides—what with their psycho requests, insane organizational charts, and wildly specific hors d’oeuvres  for cocktail hour—are the object of our unabashed shaming, because no one wants hush puppy/crab cake hybrids, Janine. Get a f*cking grip. But this time it’s the Maid of Honor, the girl you depend on to keep you sane on your big special day, who genuinely deserves a good, stern talking to.

Basically, a super chill (I assume) bride told her bridesmaids to go ahead and “wear anything.” Now, usually, and for those of us with firing brain cells, that means picking an acceptable cocktail dress or gown in a color that’s cool with the bride and NOT WHITE. Most of us would send a quick picture of said dress to the bride because we’re such good friends and, ultimately, it’s all about her. There really isn’t anything wild or groundbreaking about this concept, right?

Wrong. This particular bridesmaid decided “f*ck it” and took the bride’s very kind offer extremely literally.

Maid of honor wears a T-Rex costume after being told she could wear ‘anything’ https://t.co/thD48cRXWD pic.twitter.com/PrkqcEwSGq

— New York Post (@nypost) September 4, 2019

Jesus Christ. There’s not a lot to unpack here. Pretty much, this Nebraska bride’s sister and maid of honor, a 38-year-old human woman, decided that an inflatable T-Rex costume was going to be her go-to outfit during her sister’s once-in-a-lifetime day. Like, how interesting and cool and ~quirky~ do you have to attest to be to pull this kind of sh*t? Also, isn’t this kind of crappy to do in the sense that you’re completely taking all focus and attention off of the bride?

The MOH herself uploaded this pic to her Facebook page with the caption, “When you’re maid of honor and told you can wear anything you choose…I regret nothing ?” and it’s been shared more than 34,000 times. So that’s 34,000 people who think this is an acceptable move, and 34,000 reasons my faith in humanity is diminishing.

Sooo what about the bride? Did she also “regret nothing” in telling her sister and MOH to go ahead and wear “whatever”? Will she feel pangs of horror as she looks back on her pics of this super special backyard wedding day, punctuated by an inflatable Halloween costume? 

Searching for T-Rex gifs is not disappointing.

Uhh, no. Apparently, the sister is totally fine with it—much to my disappointment, as I was hoping for a knock-down, drag-out, white trash wedding meets T-Rex fight on the back lawn of this Nevada homestead. “My sister is awesome and I genuinely was not kidding when I said she could wear whatever she wanted,” Deanna Adams, bride, sister, and apparently super forgiving person told the Daily Mail. Christina, the maid of honor, also told the Daily Mail that she sent Deanna a text in advance asking if it was okay if she wore the costume, and she took it off right after the ceremony and wore a dress to the reception because it was super hot.

I mean, if the bride is fine with it, whatever. Invite us to your next shindig, though, so I can break out my Cookie Monster outfit and do a quick costume change into my wacky waving arms inflatable tube man ensemble.

Images: Shutterstock; NYPost / Twitter; Giphy

This Bridezilla Is Making Her Friends Bid On Being In Her Bridal Party

According to a story originally posted last week to Reddit by user sistersbridesmaids, a bride, who is low-key pettier than me in my Bachelorette group chat when my bracket gets fucked up by Rachel’s heart shitty taste in men, is inviting her friends to bid on a spot in her bridal party. Lol k. The post was originally written by the bride’s older sister but has since been mysteriously deleted. The thread still remains and because I am a nosy bitch who revels in gossip and Kardashian levels of family drama, I’ve taken time out of my v busy day to go through the comments of said thread. So let’s take a closer look, shall we?

Here’s what we know:

1. The bride is 22 years old and her sister is 33
2. According to the older sister, the bride is the youngest of four and is “spoiled”
3. The bride is throwing a party where her friends, FAMILY, and close acquaintances can bid to be bridesmaids
4. During the party auditions—AUDITIONS—will be held for the maid of honor position

First, I’d love to know more about these auditions. Is this like Miss America? Will there be a bikini portion? Will they be interviewed about their stance on world peace and also penis shaped party favors? I NEED ANSWERS, REDDIT TROLLS. Though I’m guessing the talent portion will consist of how well you can balance a psychopath in a white dress and her entire family while also getting shit-faced at the open bar. #Goals.

Drinking

Apparently the bride is doing all of this as a means to fund her wedding, but the sister believes the groom is wealthy AF and she doesn’t really need the money; she just likes to watch her friends grovel for her attention for sport. Honestly, she seems charming. Would probably let her sit with us.

Get In Loser We're Going Shopping

So, whatever, this bitch is clearly a self-absorbed asshole who wants to test the limits of her female friendships via a monetary Hunger Games but, like, who am I to fault her? Would I do this myself? No, because I much prefer someone not slip laxatives into my champagne on my wedding day but, you know, to each their own. Also, she’s 22 years old. OF COURSE SHE’S A PETTY, SELF-ABSORBED ASSHOLE. At 22 I was still stealing money from my mom’s purse and calling it a job. Like, give her a fucking break here.

Tbh I think the sister is the shadiest part about this post. Like why tf would you blast your family business all over Reddit? You are 33 years old and you handle your family shit about as well as Rob Kardashian. In a comment to another Reddit troll user, she tries to explain her sister’s actions with the below statement:

“My sister is kind of shallow (bet you’d never have guessed, right?) and mainly only associates with rich people, or more accurately people with rich families since none of these young 20s girls have ever held a job in their life unless it’s at their parents’ investment firm. So most of the people she sent to have the money for this kind of thing.”

Wooooooowwww. So what I’m hearing is:

Stab Caesar

She goes on to say:

“I know she also sent a few to older friends of hers, like from high school or earlier, who she’s not only lost touch with as they got older but also were from lower income backgrounds. She has no awareness about how inappropriate it is in many ways…My family is solidly middle class but my mom has always envied wealthier people and tried to impress and imitate them. My sister probably got this from her, and now my mom feels like she gets to be part of my sister’s life of partying and shopping and luxury vacations with her fiance.”

This is low-key Khloé shitting on Kris and Kim on a rando internet site, right? Because this shit cannot possibly be real. It’s either that or some dude living in his mom’s basement pulling a Dan Humphrey and making this shit up.

Khloe And Kris

Reddit, I know you probs have some lame privacy policy but I’ll be trolling the internet waiting patiently until you confirm the identity of “sistersbridesmaids” and all of my theories.