Everyone wants a quick fix. In the age of instant gratification, the concept of waiting for results is lost on everyone. Smh. The diet industry knows this, and over the years, they have capitalized on consumers’ lack of patience. Cue late-night infomercials and IG sponsored ads for the next big thing in weight loss. Spoiler alert: none of this sh*t actually works. Real results take time—we have been through this. I know you’re better than that, but I also get the temptation. Like, even if something seems too good to be true, you might think to yourself that it can’t hurt to try, right? Well, it might not hurt your body, but it will hurt your wallet. Here are five fitness products that promise a quick fix, but really do not work.
1. The Shake Weight
Oh, the infamous Shake Weight. Did you know that “you can get firm and fabulous arms and shoulders in just six minutes a day” with these? At least, that’s what the manufacturers want you to believe. The Shake Weight comes in two versions, weighing two-and-a-half pounds and five pounds. That’s very…minimal. But the creators of the Shake Weight claim the vibration creates isometric force on the muscles to hold steady, working the muscles more than regular concentric-eccentric movements. Seems scientific sounding and therefore legit, except for the fact that you can create your own isometric force during any exercise by holding the movement at the most force-generating part of the movement. So, by holding a bicep curl halfway for 10 seconds, holding the bottom of a squat, holding a V-sit for your abs, etc. That means you don’t need a Shake Weight to do it. You can also work your muscles more by using dumbbells greater than 2.5 lbs, I’m just sayin’.
Suzanne Somers is one entrepreneurial betch. I love and respect her hustle. This vintage little tool is like the at-home version of the hip adductor machines at the gym. For the goal of this product to be thinner thighs, it does make some sense kinesthetically for this movement and product to work. However, there is no way to spot reduce just one area of your body, so this product alone won’t help you achieve thin thighs. There are also plenty of superior ways to work the thighs that don’t require equipment, such as squats and lunges, as well as plyometric exercises. Plus, keep in mind that when it comes to any fat reduction, diet will always play a major role.
2. Ab Belt
These belts send electronic stimulation to your abdominal muscles, so your muscles contract without you doing the work to contract it. As in, you don’t even have to think of contracting your muscles. Who has the time and energy to consciously flex their muscles, right? But you want abs, though. Talk about lazy. Whether or not it works? Well, the Federal Trade Commission sued the makers of these belts in the early 2000s for making false claims, so that’s that on that. Here’s the real tea: if you can’t even put in the effort to contract your own abs, then no product or person can help you. The end.
4. Weight Loss Gummies
So you’ve heard of the weight loss teas and lollipops that the Kardashian-Jenner clan have promoted. But now, there are also weight loss gummies for you, because diet pills are soooo 1999. This popular brand’s gummies contain two steps, because that looks more legit. One gummy is basically caffeine from green coffee beans to give you energy, and the other one is supposedly an appetite suppressant made from garcina cambogia (a tamarind fruit extract). A one-month supply will cost you $49.90. Not only is packaging and marketing weight loss in a candy very ironic and a cheap juxtaposition, none of their claims have been evaluated by the FDA (no supplements on the market in USA are). These gummies could be, at best, ineffective and a waste of $49.90, or at worst, dangerous if you are allergic. On their website, they do not provide a full ingredients list for these gummies, so I would not be surprised if they contain very small amounts of these “active” ingredients. BTW, in 2014 the FTC sued a green coffee bean company for making false claims and false studies.
5. Slimming Creams/Masks
There are no products on Earth that, once applied directly onto the external surface of your body, can melt off fat, which is an internal cell INSIDE your body. Yes, because we have pores and glands on our skin, products do get absorbed. This is why it is important to use products that are clean and do not contain metals (such as aluminum in our deodorant). However, if we still haven’t gotten aluminum poisoning after years of using our trusty Secret deodorant, there’s no way a cream or mask can make us lose five inches in three weeks. Granted, supple and moisturized skin can appear tighter than dry, dehydrated skin (so don’t skimp on your water), but if you ever see a cosmetic product claiming to “effectively burn fat,” run from those scammers.
Hyped up fitness products come and go every year, but one thing has remained the same: the hunt for a magic weight loss solution. There is a reason why the diet industry is worth $72 BILLION. But just think—if weight loss was something you could purchase at a GNC, the nation as a whole would be a whole lot fitter and obesity would not as much of an issue. Not only is the hunt for overnight weight loss a waste of money, but it is also a waste of time. Can you imagine if instead, we spent that money on buying fresh produce, a gym membership, a piece of at-home gym equipment, or getting a session with a trainer to show us how to lift and work out properly? Something that breeds healthy habits and not false hope? Before you give this industry another dime, don’t let the flashy commercials and edited transformation pictures fool you: there is no product that will give you maximum results for minimum effort. In fitness, just like in life, what you get is what you give.
Images: Giphy (4)
As we all know, black is the official uniform of both witches and betches (in the case of the Olsen Twins, it’s a little bit of both). It has been this way since the beginning of time, and will remain this way until we all upload our consciousness to the iCloud and colors don’t matter anymore because we can see both forward and backward in time. So in like, 2-3 years. Sadly, despite the long-standing tradition of black being the betchiest color, we have seen a rise in number of people out in public wearing rainbow and it’s embarrassing, to say the least. Rainbows belong on flags and in sherbet, not your outfit. Unless you’re 12 years old, please reconsider before dressing up like a My Little Pony character when you go out.
Sure, it’s spring time and a little bit of floral is like, fine. We all have at least one vintage dress for when we’re feeling slightly less dead inside, but stop trying to make rainbow happen. No, it’s not cute to dress like a Lisa Frank folder. You are a grown woman. Put on a power suit and some black sunglasses and lean the fuck in. Nobody is earning equal treatment in the workplace by looking like a 50s housewife. The reason we’ve been seeing so many more colors come back is probably because some nicegirl thought she’d be “creative” and come up with the new black. But guess what? There will never be a new black. Black is the only black. If we could wear black at our wedding, we would do that. At least we know everyone at our funeral is going to be chic because black makes everyone look good. Ugh, can you imagine having to watch some TTH in a full skirt with little unicorns on it mourn for you from Heaven? It would kill us all over again.
When in doubt, just take fashion advice from the French. French girls wear black on black whether they’re out with girls, on a date, or like at the dentist, and that is why they are always skinny and chic AF even while they subsist on freshly baked bread and gourmet cheeses. If you’re one of those girls that thinks wearing obnoxious colors adds “personality” to your wardrobe, then you probably have no personality. I mean, if you need to rely on Pantone to make you more interesting, you’ve probably got more wrong with you than just your fashion sense. And honestly if your personality matches any other color than the one of death, you sound like a nightmare to be around.
Black is always in, and anyone who thinks we need a replacement color every few years to be the new “hot” thing is wrong. That’s like saying ugly is the new pretty—no. Not to mention, can we stop making up names for colors every year just so the people at Pantone can keep their jobs? Serenity is a state of mind. It is not a color. Anyway. Wearing all black says “I am in a dress, I have gel in my hair, I haven’t slept all night, I’m starved, and I’m armed. Don’t mess with me.” Covering your body in some awful combination of Play Doh colors says “I had trouble learning the alphabet and ate crayons until I was seven.” Clothes: Black. Hair: Blonde. It’s not that hard.
We’re basically here to assure you that black is the only color you need to take seriously. Don’t listen to anyone that tells you any differently. Stick to black and you’ll die chic AF surrounded by your skinny friends and family.