I honestly can’t even remember what happened last week on Jersey Shore Family Vacation, was it that uneventful? I vaguely remember the girls leaving while Pauly tried to commandeer a secret guy’s weekend that Mike almost ruined. Because he ruins everything. And J-Woww left early because she’s still mad about the f*cking Mother’s Day video. Anyway, we pick back up on Jersey Shore Family Vacation episode 7 in a not very surprising spot: Mike is stuffing his face and looking at himself in the mirror.
Mike: Thick is the new thin.
I mean true, but like, Mike, if I have to pretend to like kale and go to the gym, so do you. We all want to lie around and eat funfetti cake all the time but we don’t. It’s called being an adult. It sucks. You know what? Nevermind, f*ck this, let’s all get fat together and eat funfetti cake all the time.
Literally all I’ve wanted to do for my entire life:
Ronnie is ruining brunch as per usual by listing all the things he has to buy for his baby now that he and Jen are separating. Ron, just order this sh*t on Amazon Prime and shut the f*ck up. It’s taking longer for you to bore us to death by announcing every item than it would for one-click shipping.
Vin: We are having four guidos and a baby day. We want to go to Ron’s house and set everything up for the baby.
…Why are they trying to fight me? What did I do to deserve this kind of boredom? You guys used to be fun.
Ron makes a fat-shaming joke about Mike being pregnant (not cool Ron, it’s 2018), and Mike is all, “Whatever, it takes a real man to rock a dad bod.” Who’s going to tell him that his abs were his only redeeming quality?
Pauly: Since Donald Trump is president, any reality star can be president, so like, I should be president.
TBH, I would totally take President DJ Pauly D over Trump any day. What does that say about our country?
Ron fills in Pauly about Jenni leaving. Then we see Snooki driving to Jenni’s in Jersey. Oh, I swear to God, Jenni, if you f*cking mention that video again, I will cut you. Nicole is wearing MASSIVE fake eyelashes, which seem like a bit much for a fighting-with-a-friend-at-her-home kind of event.
Jenni: I left because I wasn’t into it and then you invited Angelina and then THE VIDEO…
Snooki: Why didn’t you call me and say it hurt your feelings that I wasn’t in the video?
Solid point, Snooki.
Jenni: But like how’s your new best friend?
So I guess hanging out with no one but children makes you a f*cking child yourself.
The guidos are shopping in the baby store. It’s all weird and sad.
Pauly to cashier: Do you have anything for when the dad cries more than the baby?
Scared cashier: Um. No.
Pauly then gets in trouble with her by putting a sticker of his own face over a baby’s face on a product. She makes him remove it so he sticks it on her back. It’s kind of funny.
So Jenni and Snooki are having a little b*tch fight where Jenni is saying she almost left without even telling her (not helping her case TBH), and Jenni is still complaining about Angelina. They just eventually give up and decide to let it go.
Jenni: It’s all about Namaste and hug that sh*t out and move on.
Okay Jenni, so let’s not EVER TALK ABOUT THE PASTA VIDEO AGAIN.
Jenni with this f*cking video:
So the guys go back to Ronnie’s house, where Jen has already moved out. Side note: Love how they keep dividing these scenes back and forth between the girls and guys because they are both sooo dull to sit through all at once. They walk in to find Ronnie’s huge TV smashed on the ground. Ron says he wasn’t even there for that rampage. They all go upstairs.
Pauly: Are we gonna do a reenactment?
Then they walk up what they refer to as the “famous staircase”. It’s the staircase where Jen was Instagram Live filming one of their fights.
Pauly: Ronnie’s hair looked terrible during that fight. I must have watched it four million times.
Mike: I actually don’t get starstruck by Ronnie’s stairs… you know what I’m saying?
They go upstairs and Jen has destroyed another TV. Like… why always the TVs? What did they ever do to you? The guys help Ron remove the damaged TVs. Naturally, the next step is to put the Baby Bjorn on Mike. He puts his bag of chips inside of it. He’s dancing with his chips. Oh my God, am I Mike? Is Mike me? I feel personally attacked.
They clean everything out and then they’re like, oh let’s eat.
Mike: Now you’re speaking my languages.
Mike, you can barely speak one language. Just stop.
The guys get ready to go out and I swear someone better cheat on their significant other because I am so over this baby stuff. Mike arrives wearing a yellow sweater.
Vin to Mike: Waddup, Curious George.
Why does Mike always wear pastel sweaters now? Is he auditioning to be a Chanel? Is this part of his “I Don’t Belong In Prison” scheme?
Ronnie pats himself on the back for keeping his temper the whole trip and everyone is like… is he… is he serious? He literally tried to fight some rando in the bathroom at the pool.
Pauly then announces that he and Vinny are having a bromitment ceremony. Where is Barney Stinson? We are really reaching for drama on this show. They legit pull up to a wedding chapel. They’re making Mike be the flower girl because he’s already dressed like one.
Wedding chapel person: Do you want to hear about our packages?
Pauly: I’m getting married because of his package if you know what I mean.
What is happening?
What am I watching?
What is happening to my life?
Pauly to Mike: Don’t eat the cake.
Mike helps Vin get ready and Ron helps Pauly.
Vin puts on a tiara and veil.
Vin: I look like a beekeeper.
Ron: This marriage is perfect, he’s white, you’re tan.
I have so many questions.
Vin to Mike: Don’t eat the cake.
Huh, maybe Vin and Pauly are meant to be.
Ron: This is the closest I’ve ever been to a wedding chapel in Vegas. It smells like regret.
Mike flower-girls down the aisle by throwing the flowers over his head. Vinny walks down the aisle.
Oh, they’re getting married by Elvis.
Pauly: I never pictured my bride to have a beard.
They show a montage of their friendship. Oh God, they have vows.
Pauly: Vinny. Ever since the moment you walked into that shore house. The second we worked together at the T-shirt shop. Before you had a beard. And I met your family in Staten Island. And I realized Staten Island was an actual island. I knew that it was gonna be you.
Vin: Pauly. We don’t look like we belong together. You’re orange, I’m pale. You have muscles, and I don’t. But at the end of the day, you’re the ying to my yang, and I want to do T-Shirt Time together for the rest of my life.
They do the rings.
Vin (in his interview): Don’t tell him I said this, but it’s a little gold ring, and the guy is covered with ice, like, get me some diamonds, bro.
They totally f*ck up the kiss and do a bro-y hug, complete with back pats so it’s not gay. (Seriously, why do men do this?) What did I just watch though?
Now Snooki is meeting up with Jenni and Angelina to work through their issues. Why don’t we just agree to stop inviting Angelina places? Problem solved. I’m getting another glass of wine to get through this. Snooki is giving Angelina advice on how to look classy while her hair looks like an insane Pomeranian.
Snooki: Remember how I invited you to Vegas so you could make up with Jenni?
Also Snooki: I don’t want to be in the middle of this.
Pauly is now molesting Vinny in bed while attempting to wake him up. Mike harasses Ron into being the first ones at the buffet. The woman working at the buffet says he’s been there so often, he’s like family. Mike and Ron are walking through the lines of the buffet and Mike is telling him every single dish.
Ron: How long have you worked here?
I assumed they were getting breakfast because they just woke up, but Mike is eating pasta, steak, mac and cheese, fried rice, and ice cream???
Since Mike and Ron are the only ones here and we already talked about food, obviously the only subject we can now discuss is Ron’s baby and baby mama. He says he hasn’t talked to Jen at all and it’s left to the lawyers now. Probs a good idea, considering she ran you over with her car for much less than this. Now that that topic is covered, we again go back to food.
Mike: I have to eat everything now because when I get home it’s back to the diet.
Ron: Will Lauren even recognize you?
Mike: She knows I hold my weight well.
Ugh, I wish I did. I look like Jack Skellington with a pot belly when I gain weight. Those PSLs are my true Nightmare Before Christmas.
Snooki calls Jenni and basically holds her to lunch with Angelina at gunpoint.
The boys are all looking at themselves and Mike is like, “damn boy you thicc”, to himself but like, he’s so thicc that Vinny can’t fit in the frame. They all go out to Drais, which Pauly claims is his “favorite” but I’m pretty sure it’s where his residency is, so it’s more like “pays his bills”.
They have a cabana with a hot tub and there are tons of girls in bikinis. Serious question: who wears a bikini to a nightclub? Like they obviously planned on going in the hot tub? It’s so weird.
Mike: What is this, a THOT tub?
Me:
Mike claims that all the girls are hitting on him. Somehow I doubt it, but sometimes people act weird and sad in order to get on TV, so it may be true.
Vin: They say it’s the thot that counts, but right now, I’m counting thots.
They’re bringing tons of girls home although the only people trying to hook up are Pauly and Vin. Why isn’t Ron? It’s like I don’t even know him now.
Pauly: We have a stripper pole in our shower.
Thot: Ooooh show me.
WTF, where do people like this exist?
ALSO, this girl walks through the whole hotel in nothing but her bikini. Like, you didn’t wear a cover-up over it at all? Don’t you have a purse? Or like… shoes? This floor is f*cking dirty!
Pauly leads the girl to the shower where she immediately takes her top off and starts dancing like a stripper. I’m beginning to suspect these women were paid.
Mike is horrified. He’s closing his eyes.
Mike: Asses are everywhere. Not today, Satan.
The thottiest thot walks up to Mike and says, verbatim, “wanna play?” confirming these girls were definitely paid. It’s like these guys are now so undesirable, the producers paid for strippers to make it seem like they could still smush like the good old days. Tragic.
The girls are twerking on everything and everyone. Again. Paiiiiid. Probs paid well. Mike orders burgers and fries that definitely look like they’re from In N Out. Except one girl has chicken nuggets??? They don’t sell those at In N Out.
One of the girls goes in and interrupts the smushing to give them burgers. Mike tries to go to sleep and some girl starts crawling all over Ronnie. (cough cough PAID.)
Pauly: This was the best trip ever, we had the Bromitment ceremony, Thotchella, and Four Guidos and a Baby.
That was like the last episode. Before that, nothing even happened except Jenni whined a lot and Jen tried to murder Ron.
I guess we’ll see next week when everyone is somehow back at The Shore??? Why is this happening?
Images: Giphy (7); MTV
In this week’s edition of Men Being Pigs, aka Jersey Shore: Family Vacation episode 8 we left off with Vinny’s mom trying to justify him wanting to fuck around on his Instamodel gf, with the simple resolution of just don’t tell her shit. Ronnie is very on board with this realm of thinking, and I predict long and happy love lives for both of them.
J-Woww is yelling at Ron, saying anyone that dates her daughter should raise her up so much and otherwise he can fuck off. Can she please screen every guy I go out with from now on?
Ron is crying about how he can’t be perfect, k I’m sorry, but does Jen really have crazy expectations for him to not fuck other women? Like is the bar that high?
Snooki is really stoked to go to a strip club. Do I just not get the appeal of strip clubs? Like all I think about is dirty vagina on everything. Sue me. Also, if you’re a straight woman, what is the point? Unattainable body envy?
Jenni is molesting strippers. Ronnie is really into it. All of it is gross and I want it to stop. Oh cool, I thought nothing could be trashier than Jenni groping strippers, but then Snooki steals money from the stripper. Snooki who has children and a steady income via TV show, steals money from the stripper, That is just fucking mean. Also begs the question yet again, is she unaware she’s being filmed?
Snooki: Why is no one getting the money?
Because people have class. Which is saying A LOT of the strip club crowd.
Pauly is dancing with strippers and it’s like, okay finally, when is Pauly going to do something interesting as the only single guy in the house? All the men in relationships are the ones fucking around.
Oh it’s because Pauly wants to find a wife. I mean yeah, do that on TV, Maybe he should go on The Bachelor.
Okay, I fully made that joke AND THEN Snooki said she was going to collect a bunch of bitches and then let him pick like The Bachelor.
Jenni and Mike are ring shopping together. This is v v boring. The rings are like $45,000, but Mike just commits fraud, so money doesn’t matter right?
Pauly is trying to find a lady, and tbh, I don’t think Snooks and Deena are the best people to woman-hunt for him. ALSO, he said he wants a girl with dark hair and light eyes, which makes sense as to why when I was at the Jersey Shore premiere party and I was talking to Pauly, Ronnie was making weird faces and inappropriate gestures at us. I also have dark hair and light eyes. Also, I feel like this is a spoiler that this doesn’t work out for Pauly. Sorry.
Oh, here’s the part where they inflate giant blue balls and wear them and bang into each other. This is one of those plot points that I feel like a random producer is like, “WOW. this would be so wacky and crazy!” K, so you guys might think it’s fun or whatever, but this adds nothing to the story or interest. I have zero fucks to give on this. We are reaaaaaaaaallly reaching for drama right now.
Except for Snooki saying she looks like Mama June. Those are fighting words.
Vinny is soooo skinny now, this is why you guys should eat carbs. But I appreciate that he prays for Pauly, in his new role as Guido Jesus.
I had no idea what it meant when Vin and Mike were saying they need to decorate, but apparently it’s that they decorate their table with women. K. *Adds to the list of reasons I hate men* Vin is talking about putting his face on strange women’s asses. His gf must be thrilled. He just told a girl that she’s like a “hot Britney Spears.” Soooo are you saying Brit is not hot?
Also, these guys are wearing gigantic chains, they are two steps away from being Flava Flav at this point. Oh cool, Vin is getting Bottle Girl’s number. Do they understand how relationships work? No? What about how cameras work? Bc this shit is all being filmed, you FUCKING idiot. Mike literally drags Vin out while he’s confessing his love to the Bottle Girl and says he wants to marry her. Tbh, I don’t think the problem is drinking, I think the the problem is he hates his fucking girlfriend and wants to marry complete strangers. Pretty obvious and my major was art, not psychology.
Mike is all of us rn:
Vin is so hungover he’s making me hungover, and I’m still drunk because I had five skinny margaritas at the bar tonight, so he is killing my buzz. Vin claims to remember nothing about getting Bottle Girl’s number, so OF COURSE he calls his Instamodel girlfriend to TELL ON HIMSELF AGAIN. Wtf, did we not learn anything from last time? Why does he do shitty things and tell on himself? That doesn’t make her happier, try not fucking up perhaps?
Oh noooo, they are now holding signs up to try to find Pauly D a girl on the side of the road. Wow, if these were the standards, I can see why Ron was so excited by our brief conversation. Ronnie says there are girls everywhere and he can scoop up like 10 of them, and it’s like, well yeah if the bar is on the ground, everyone is super hot, Ron.
They find no one to love Pauly so they make him cake. I mean fair trade, that’s what I do every night, too, when men disappointment me which is always.
Mike: Pauly can’t be mad, because it’s funfetti cake.
I find Mike more and more relatable every episode???
Pauly’s excitement makes me sad. It reminds me of my own failed hopes and dreams. People suck.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
Vinnie is dressed like a very, very scary woman, and also did he steal Sammi Sex Doll’s wig? Vin and Pauly have always been very clearly in love, so they might as well just go for it at this point. Also, Vin has never showed any interest in Instamodel, especially compared to his love for Pauly.
Vin calls his Instamodel who very obviously despises him yet again to find out that she still despises him. I mean, yeah, I feel like we knew this? Must we call her again and again to discover this?
And we’re left on a cliffhanger that there are only six episodes left—wtf—and Angelina, human garbage bag, is coming back. 1) How dare you? 2) Why? I guess we’ll find out next week…
Images: Giphy (4); MTV (2)
It’s happening guys, Baby Mama Jen is coming to the Shore. Oh wait, Miami. Whatever, she’s coming to see what the fuck her man has been up to while he’s been out of town. Ronnie is claiming he is v excited to see Jen, and yet he looks like he’s awaiting a prison sentence. At least he has Mike to relate to rn. The entire cast awaits her arrival by staggering on the staircase like a prom photo. Ron gives Jen a bouquet of flowers that still has the grocery store price tag on it. C’mon, Ron, class it up.
Ooooh, this is something I didn’t think of before, how fucking shitty is it of Ronnie to go do a TV show when his gf is this pregnant? She’s like, practically a single mom. He’s missing everything. I guess he really DGAF anyway, but still. I’d be fucking furious about that alone. Like, if you knock me up and force me to both get fat and grow a parasite, you better be getting me KFC at 3am if I demand it. Jen, why are you okay with this?
Jen: My nationality is like 80% Great Britain.
Oh, cool, okay, it’s because she’s a genius.
Snooki: Do you speak Britain?
She will fit right in.
Jen does not comment on the fact that Ronnie has a doll of his ex-gf in the house, and I find that disappointing. Wouldn’t you be like, what the actual fuck is wrong with you? I feel like that is really fucking disturbing, but maybe I’m not a cool enough girlfriend. I would not allow my baby daddy to keep sex dolls of his ex around. Call me unreasonable.
So Jenni is talking about how intense it is that they’re doing family dinner with “an outsider” and all I can think about is how strangely bug-eyed she is because her skin is pulled sooooo tight. Or maybe it’s because her eye skin doesn’t move? Idk, Idk, she just keeps giving me crazy eyes and it’s unsettling.
Pauly D & Vin eating while everyone is waiting to pray is me at every family holiday function. The awkward conversation afterwards is also every family function until Grandma gets hammered and causes a scene involving her love of Trump and hatred of minorities. K, Jenni, that’s your cue.
Awkward silence.
Awkward silence.
Awkward silence.
Ron: Hey, this is awkward.
Jenni: So like, do you guys want to get married?
Ron: *visibly cringes*
Awkward silence.
Someone just out him already, I can’t take this anymore.
Jenni: Ron says he’d rather pay child support than alimony, so I want to know if Jen feels the same.
Jen would rather collect both child support and alimony, obviously. Why else would you fuck around with a D-list celebrity?
I never knew Mike and I had anything in common, but his professing his undying love for funfetti cake just speaks to me on a whole new level.
FUCKING JEN blasts Mike by calling him The Incarceration, and it’s like whoa bitch, you’re stepping around dynamite right now, this shit could blow at any moment. Don’t provoke the bear that will ruin your relationship. Well actually, the relationship has already been ruined, but she doesn’t know that yet. Tell her, tell her, tell her! Everyone here is an accomplice to the crime by hiding this from Jen. Is that how it works? Let’s ask Mike.
Mike: PASS THE FRENCH FRIES.
Guys: OoooooooOOOOOoooooh!
Very subtle, everyone, great work.
Ron: Mike better be careful, I whipped his ass once, I’ll do it again.
So like… does Ronnie just have selective memory for everything in his life? Ron, the wall whipped Mike’s ass, not you. He threw himself into a concrete wall. Technically, he whipped his own ass while you stood there. But okay, take credit. Hey, at this point, let’s just blame that on The Wind too.
Mike is complaining that Jen came for him, like well, what else would they talk about? Ron and Jen obviously have nothing to say to each other. Pauly suggests the group writes Jen a note, like I’m sorry, that would be genius and hilarious. Yet somehow I feel like Ronnie would be able to talk his way out of it again.
What could make the situation more comfortable for Jen? I know, let’s bring her pregnant ass to a strip club! Tbh, the strippers are just mostly naked and barely jiggling their asses, like honestly, this makes me reconsider stripper as a backup career, because they make so much money and most of them aren’t really doing anything. I definitely could not be one of the acrobatic strippers, though, that shit is insane. Like where do you even hire Cirque Du Soleil strippers? Bitches, go to Vegas with that kind of skill.
Vinny is straight-up trying to molest the strippers, like I’m sorry, is your girlfriend’s Instagram fame not enough for you now, Vin? Also, poor Jen, could anything be less fun than being super pregnant and sober at a strip club while your baby daddy ogles naked, skinny bitches?
Me as a stripper:
Ron: THERE’S BOOBIES AND ASS AND BOOBIES AND ASS AND ASS
Jen: So like, everyone is smoking and I’m pregnant. Does this mean anything to you?
Ron: FUCK HER, SHE MAKE ME GO HOME
Ronnie is saying it’s sooooo hard being loyal and in a relationship and a responsible adult. Likeeee…. you never had to do any of this. You could have wrapped your shit up, Pull Out King. Jen is trying to convince him that staying in with her for one night is fine. Shouldn’t he be excited to spend time with her after not seeing her for weeks? Like how is she okay with this? She is literally convincing him that her company is not that bad. You deserve better, Jen, #justiceforjen and #justiceforkhloe, for that matter, because I’m not over that shit either.
Mike carries Jenni directly to bed—I need this kind of service in my life. Then they bring up Vinny humping rando strippers and Vin is like, “What, I didn’t hump her, I just picked her up via her naked ass.” Idk dude, I don’t think that argument is going to help anything. Maybe it was The Wind again. So he decides to call the ~InstaModel~ and tell her. Can’t imagine this won’t go well.
Mike & Pauly in slow motion: Noooooooooooo!
Mike inducts Vinny into the IFF: I’m Fucked Foundation. Instamodel roasts him for being stupid. What’s wrong with you, Vin?
The crew is headed to the beach. Vinny says he loves “clean fun” as much as “dirty fun”, and I think he’s referring to the beach, but like, is he forgetting this is Miami and the water is brown? It’s def not clean. The girls are too ashamed of their mom bods (and yet somehow Deena too?) to go to the beach, are you fucking kidding me? Snooki, what have you become? You were the Queen of Poofs and DGAFs. Who gives a fuck what Us Weekly says? I highly doubt they say anything complimentary about you people regardless. It’s 2018, body shaming is out, guys.
The girls are sad because they actually really like Jen and it’s like Sam and Ron all over again. Yeah I mean, that’s what happens when you date a POS. This is a very poorly planned beach day, like it’s cloudy and sad out and no one even got a tan. The girls round up Jen to ride with them and so of course she asks about Ron.
Jen: Ron is the best!
Girls: He’s going to be a great dad!
Jen: He takes care of me!
Girls: He’s a good guy!
Jen: Has he been good?
Girls: ………………..
That’s what you guys get for lying. They all kind of mutter “uh yep,” and Snooki very sarcastically says, “He’s been greaaaaaaaaaaaat!” but I don’t think Jen understands sarcasm so Ron is still safe.
Ron: TONIGHT I TAKE JEN TO NICE RESTAURANT HOPEFULLY IT WON’T SUCK BUT IT PROBS WILL
Why did Ron invite Jen to visit if he’s so disappointed by her presence? If she hadn’t already dumped his ass from watching previous episodes, she definitely would have by now. So Jen suggests getting in the Jacuzzi when they get back and I’m sorry, I know literally nothing about babies, and even I know you can’t use a Jacuzzi when you’re pregnant. Jen, you’re going to cook what little brain cells your kid has.
Ooh, what an interesting turn of events, she’s asking Ron if he’s used the Jacuzzi and what they did in it? Does Jen actually know something? That is weirdly very specific, like she’s been waiting to find a way to bring it up. Maybe not bring it up via threatening to cook your child, but v v interesting.
Ron: I NOT SURE IF JEN IS THE ONE BC SAM IS THE ONE
Like yeah, I would say if you’ve cheated and confessed your love to your ex, you’re probs not super into Jen. But that is just my expert opinion.
Back at the club, Pauly is following Vin around and announcing that he’s cheating. Way to keep him honest.
Vinny: I’m on thin ice for making a joke about saving a stripper.
What is wrong with men??? That is definitely NOT what the problem was. How is he this dense? Pauly takes a picture of Vin’s “Explanation Face” and is showing everyone his shame. Why is Vinny even in a relationship? He has never even mentioned the Instamodel and his mom still cooks for him. Vin is making his sad Explanation Face while once again getting reamed out by the Instamodel while wearing the iPad on a chain with his Explanation Face photo on it. It’s basically Inception at this point. Also? Why do you keep calling her, Vin? She obvi does not enjoy speaking to you. Maybe Vin should not try to fuck randos? Girlfriends tend to not like that.
Jen is leaving and asks Ron not to bring girls home anymore.
Ron: Uggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Women can be so unreasonable. Ron thinks it’s better for Jen to find out about his cheating on TV than by telling her. Yeah, that’s totally not humiliating. Great work, everyone.
Vin calls his mom and tells her he’s constantly in trouble with Instamodel and his mom literally is like, “don’t tell that bitch shit, outta sight outta mind.” She must be thrilled her son is dating someone whose only goals are to take pics of her own face.
Vin’s Mom: You can fuck other women as long as it’s not intentional.
Ronnie and Vin’s mom have very similar morals. Ronnie is saying he loves Jen but she’s ruining his life by not allowing him to fuck around. Sounds like true love to me. It’s what every woman dreams of. Fuck, now Ron is saying he barely knows her. Harsh. Now Ron is saying he didn’t even do anything, #mansplaining for the win. Pauly’s WTF face is all of us right now. Jenni is going for him, saying he’s the same person he was nine years ago.
Jenni: For Ron’s baby to be a month or two old when Jen finds out, she’ll kill him and bury him on her property.
Close Jenni, she actually just roasted him all over social media, but for someone as fame hungry as Ron, it’s basically social suicide. Can’t wait to see how the IFF club fucks up again next week!
Sam after realizing how close she was to this being her:
Images: Giphy (7)
On last week’s episode of Jersey Shore, The Situation revealed that he wanted to propose to his girlfriend Lauren. Understandably, he’d like to lock her down before he gets locked up. And what do ya know, the next day US Weekly exclusively revealed that the Situation is engaged! What surprising and fortuitous timing. After hearing the Sitch’s engagement announcement I got to thinking about the rest of the castmates relationships post-filming. Did Ronnie’s baby mama castrate him for swapping STD’s with a rando who wears her nipples as an accessory? Is Sammi still happily dating her new guido? And most importantly, has Vinny ditched that skinny girl from the premiere so we can finally be together? Let’s investigate!
The Situation
As mentioned above, The Situation is officially engaged. US Weekly blessed us with photos from their engagement, so head on over there if you’d like to throw up a little in your mouth. Apparently he proposed on Valentine’s Day in Miami, and chose a 3-carat cushion cut diamond in an 18-karat rose gold setting that cost him *wait for it* $65,000!
The IRS after reading this article:
Way to lie low, Mike. Don’t you think with the threat of incarceration looming perhaps you should be less obvious about the money you stole from the government? Just a thought from a bitchy but law-abiding citizen over here. I mean whatever, enjoy your prison chapel wedding I guess. At least we know orange is a flattering color on the Sitch!
Ronnie
After watching Ronnie fondle a woman dressed in one large fishnet stocking, I thought for sure his relationship was over. But his social media has been mostly normal posts about the show and his new daughter, Ariana, and I hadn’t read any hospital reports about meatheads being admitted after their girlfriend attempted to cut their dick off. I assumed all was well.
But friends, all you must do is ask nicely and the universe will deliver. Yesterday, Ronnie and his baby mama Jen got INTO it over social media. Ronnie accused her of keeping sex tapes of another guy and refusing to delete them. And Jen said “Can’t turn a cokehead into a father!!” So clearly they’re having problems, huh? I wish someone would be able to break through all the cocaine and steroids and get through to Ronnie to let him know things on the internet live forever. Poor little Ariana Sky is going to stumble across this one day, and wasn’t it bad enough that she’ll learn on a Jersey Shore rerun she only exists because her dad thinks pulling out is an effective birth control method? Hopefully she’ll be pretty because with these parents she sure ain’t gonna be smart.
As Ronnie said on the first episode of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation, “I’ll always be a shitty boyfriend and a shitty husband, but I’ll never be a shitty dad.” And while I don’t believe that last part is true, he sure did prove himself right on the first part.
Sammi Sweetheart
Even though Sammi is not on the show, her presence still looms large in the form of a partially dressed sex doll that Ronnie verbally abuses everyday. It looks like she is very happy with her replacement Ron, whose name I have not seen but whose chest I could now pick out of very strange police lineup.
She looks happy and like the PTSD has faded, so I truly hope she hasn’t seen Ron’s coked up drunken confession of love and question herself. Stay strong, sister!
Vinny
And finally, I’d be remiss if I did not investigate the relationship of everyone’s favorite Keto Guido, my boy Vin. When we saw him in the premiere, Vinny introduced us to “Instagram Model” Elicea Shyann, who definitely never ate Sunday dinner at the Guadagnino house.
But, I have good news for all the Vinny groupies out there: he announced to Entertainment Tonight that they have broken up! Hooray! Vinny blamed the lack of access to technology while filming Family Vacation and the stress of long-distance. And I guess writing letters is not an option for the illiterate. Sad! Anyways, Vinny, I’m willing to give us a shot if you’re willing to venture off Staten Island. I’m not fucking going there. No offense, sweetie!
So there you have it! They all got their happily ever afters. And by happily ever afters, I mean the trash futures they absolutely deserved. If you all need me, I’ll just be over here waiting for Vinny’s call.
Update: Ronnie and his girlfriend are now broken up. Probably for the best.
Images: Giphy (2); Instagram, Sammisweetheart (2); Instagram, vinnyguadagnino; Author (1)
