Sooo last night’s 2018 VMAs were pretty anti-climatic. Like, they gave me an excuse to drink wine on a school night, so I’m not complaining cause that part was cool. And that wine definitely proved necessary to help aid my bleeding eyes from some of the fashion monstrosities that came across the VMAs 2018 red carpet. Of course, I enjoyed JLo’s unbelievable performance, Ariana’s sultry “God is a Woman,” and Nicki’s boss rendition of “Barbie Dreams.” Still, I can’t deny how I miss the days of Miley’s inappropriate twerking and Kanye not really letting Taylor finish. Anyway, there were so many people at the VMAs this year that I didn’t even f*cking know, so naturally I left them off this list, so don’t @ me. The trends of the night were metallics and sheer, which as always some celebs did correctly while others…eh, not so much. Sidenote: why the f*ck did Madonna look like one of those fortune tellers on the street harassing me to get a shitty $10 palm reading? I just don’t get the connection there between her wacky flea market look and her Aretha Franklin tribute. Well, the worst only gets worse from here, so let’s get it going. In no particular order, here are the best and worst dressed from last night’s kinda boring VMAs. And shouts out to Glam Squad for making the Betches look amazing on the red carpet so nobody thought we belonged on a worst dressed list.
Kylie is doing everything right. Well, almost. Like whyyy Travis Scott??? I’m sorry, but he’s just not cute. Actually, I take that back, she’s actually doing something right because she dumped Tyga’s loser ass and upgraded to at least a more successful, but still unattractive, rapper. So, between the two, I applaud her choice. Anyway, the VMAs aren’t known for being the classiest of the award shows, and I love that Kylie went opposite of what’s expected in a chic Tom Ford blazer dress. Like, clearly that Forbes cover is getting to her head, but who can blame her? This outfit is the epitome of, “Yes, I am a mom who just turned 21 and also happens to be on the cover of Forbes. And you’re not.” Touché, Kylie.
Speaking of the Kardashian-Jenners, cause like, when are we not, Cardi B was clearly channeling her inner Kris Jenner with the short black hair, giving us some major momager vibes. It’s almost like she gave birth to Kulture and then was like, “f*ck, what would a mom wear to the VMAs?” Then Googled “famous moms” and saw a picture of Kris and just brought that to her stylist. Regardless of how she came about this look, Cardi looked classy and glam, and I’m going to give her an enthusiastic proud dad-level thumbs up.
Sooo this one may go against popular opinion, but I was totally on board with Nicki’s VMAs look. It’s weird not seeing Nicki in some obnoxious shade of pink and, I gotta say, seeing her in this white number was a real treat. Sure, the Rapunzel ponytails were a little much, but this is Nicki Minaj we’re talking about, and the fact that she wasn’t wearing a tacky pink wig was a total win. Sure, we saw her whole ass, but that’s nothing new and, honestly, from an artist with a song like “Anaconda”, it was done in a relatively tasteful way.
Millie Bobby Brown
I’m confused, is anyone else concerned that Millie Bobby Brown is out past her bedtime? Isn’t she like, 10? Or is it 11? Sh*t, now I’m confused. Shoutout to her for either successfully sneaking out or convincing her parents to let her go out on a school night. Not only did she succeed in getting herself to the VMAs, she also looked on point while there. Her look was sweet, simple, and I’d really like to get my hands on that stylish crop top. It’s kinda crazy how good someone looks when their head isn’t shaved and they’re not clutching a box of Ego waffles.
Madison Beer’s look was easily one of my favs. Her chic and classy white suit looked fire. Like, if she wasn’t already hot enough, this outfit burned it down. That was cheesy, I’m sorry. Her look was tasteful and mature, although I could have gone without her grandmother’s brooch smack dab in the middle. Like, if she had done this look with the blazer slightly open with nothing underneath, then there’s no way she wouldn’t have been my hands down best dressed of the night.
Like, real talk, what is Olivia Munn up to these days? I feel like she hasn’t been in a movie in a minute—or if she has, I haven’t seen it. I liked it when she and Aaron Rodgers were feuding with Jojo and Jordan Rodgers. That was fun. Well, idk wtf she’s doing now, but she did look amazing last night in the ideal VMAs dress. The purple color of the dress was amazing on her, and the dress was the perfect amount of VMAs-appropriate sparkle.
Ariana Grande really disappointed me with this slutty Tin Man number. It’s like edgy Tinkerbell meets a sorostitute dressed as an alien. Although, I have to forgive her for her serious fashion crime here, because her new album is amazing. Plus, she had my favorite line of the night when, during her acceptance speech, she said, “Pete Davidson, thanks for existing.” It was so cute and genuine that it slightly redeemed her terrible outfit choice.
Ugh, JLo, you’re SO MUCH better than this slinky metallic dress. Yes, she looked amazing as JLo always does, but I’m putting Jenny from the Block on the worst dressed list because this look was way too predictable. And like, seriously, I’m so over the one leg thing. I don’t want to see your slim right leg, JLo, I want to see those drool-worthy abs. I need more sexy and less basic b*tch headed to senior prom. Either way, I can’t deny that killer performance. Not to mention, the dress she wore when she accepted the award for “Dinero” slayed. Not sure why she wasn’t wearing that dress on the carpet instead, but I guess that’s why I don’t get paid thousands of dollars to dress celebs. But like, clearly I should be.
Tiffany Haddish is hilarious, but she’s one of those celebs who clearly can’t dress herself for sh*t. And I don’t know who these stylists are that are getting paid to make these celebs look like straight clowns, but it’s really starting to annoy me that I don’t have that job. This dress was a big thumbs down and we could have definitely done without the headband and the giant hoops. It’s a lot.
I don’t know who this girl is, but yikes. She looks like the drag queen version of Lord Farquaad, or at best, disco Mary Poppins. Sorry, Grace. Best of luck to you and whatever it is you do.
Rita Ora, no. No, to the dog collar. No, to the sheer spaghetti dress—I’m actually pretty sure I own this bathing suit cover-up. And the eye squiggles are a little too literal—that’s fine for a sorority theme party, or like, Lil Xan, but not the red carpet.
I’m so f*cking over everyone raving over Blake Lively’s style. Like, don’t you get it, people? Serena van der Woodsen had amazing style, but Blake Lively does not. Instead, she just has a perfect husband and a perfect life—I can see how it’s easy to conflate them. She looks like a haunted Willy Wonka meets circus ring leader who also has to get to her catering shift at seven. Or, maybe more simply, she just looks like the ghost of Christmas past? Idk wtf she looks like, but it’s not good, and Serena van der Woodsen would definitely not approve.
There’s nothing, like, inherently terrible about this outfit, it’s just altogether pretty blah. Like, I’m pretty sure I saw this ensemble at my prom. In 2009.
I want to trust a guy as much as Amber Rose trusts this outfit not to expose her labia. She looks like a slutty version of the Red Devil from Scream Queens. Like what is this, some discounted cosplay outfit from Adam and Eve? This outfit is legit the reason stores start putting out Halloween stuff in August.
Images: Getty Images; Giphy
The 2017 VMAs might go down as the most blatant attempts at shade-throwing per minute since the East vs. West Coast rap wars in the 90s. It seems like everyone and their drugged-out stepmom came to the show with the intention of
getting some press squashing beefs. For anyone who wasn’t watching Game Of Thrones actually tuned in last night, you honestly might have forgotten the whole thing was supposed to be about music videos. Honestly, we might as well change the name of the show from the Video Music Awards to the Thinly Veiled Attempts At Making Money Off Fake Drama Statue-Giving Festival. Sure, the TVAAMMOFDSGF doesn’t have quite the same ring to it, but it is definitely a more accurate description of what goes on. So for those of you who turned the show off at 9pm because of GOT didn’t catch all the shade, here’s a ranking of the shadiest moments, from most to least embarrassing.
Katy Perry To Trump
Look, I’m as much for shading the Trump Administration as anyone (sign up for The Betches Sup!), but whoever told Katy Perry to kick off the VMAs with five minutes of political standup is seriously disturbed. Like, yes girl, we get it, you voted for Hillary. So did a majority of America.
^^^ See. That’s how you throw shade at the Trump Administration. No need for some bizarre story about being on a spaceship that tries to roast fidget spinners, Russian meddling, and Fyre Festival all in one cringeworthy bit. Did anybody else notice how they kept cutting to Ellen during Katy’s opening? I think the camera guy, like all of us, was hoping that Ellen would just jump on stage and take over.
But seriously Katy, in the future if you are looking for seasoned political comedy writers, my email is [email protected] and my rate is $7 Million p/hour. Thanks.
Adam Levine To Lorde
You probably didn’t even realize this shade was thrown because
Adam Levine is over it didn’t happen at the actual event, but only-member-of-Maroon-5-anybody-cares-about Adam Levine was not feeling Lorde’s performance, or like, any of the VMAs for that matter. Levine tweeted “Julia Michaels gets cut off while she’s singing and Lorde gets to NOT sing her whole song,” because apparently Adam Levine is a messy bitch who lives for drama. He also tweeted “It’s always exciting to see how utterly horrible the VMAs will be. They really delivered so far this year.” Agreed. But like…damn Adam, somebody seems salty that they didn’t get an invite this year. You’d better chill on some of the industry shade. Any person at the VMAs could take your cushy Voice job in a second. Also, leave Lorde out of this. She had a fucking cold.
Taylor Swift To Everyone
The most highly anticipated moment of the VMAs was the release of Taylor Swift’s new
Monster Mash “Look What You Made Me Do” music video, and she certainly did not hold back on the shade. The whole video was a graveyard smash mashup of all of Taylor’s recent beefs, with digs at Kimye, the media, Katy Perry, Tom Hiddleston, and anyone who has ever wronged Taylor in her lifetime. And if an opening shot of a tombstone with the words “Taylor Swift’s Reputation” wasn’t subtle enough for ya, Taylor brings the whole thing home with a bizarre Taylor-on-Taylor sketch comedy moment where T-Swift (dressed as all the Taylors of Christmas Past) attempts to address all the mean things people say about her, but really just proves she’s like, a terrible actress.
Remy Ma to Nicki Minaj
I mean, of course she did. Remy Ma did not waste any of her .5 seconds of VMA camera time
blatantly trying to get some attention dissing Nicki Minaj. I guess Remy needs a new reason for talk shows to book her is still pretty pissed. The VMAs brought in Remy as one of the C-List celebs they trot out to lead into the commercial breaks, and Remy wasted no time trying to make it to the B list by coming for Nicki, adding “Nicki what’s good?” to her outro.
A year-old beef that references a 2-year-old beef?
**rolls eyes so hard I have to go to the hospital**
Fifth Harmony To Camilla Cabello
Perhaps the least subtle shade of the night occurred with Fifth Harmony took the stage. The girls appear with five silhouettes, with one being immediately booted off stage in what was obviously a dig at Camilla Cabello, who left the group last year. Um…yeah…did I say this moment was “shade”? What I meant to say was that this moment was a whole fucking eclipse.
Cersei To Danearys
I mean, we all knew that Danearys was going to show up to the big meeting on her dragon, but Cersei wasted no time shading the dragon queen for her lateness with an epic eye-roll and “We’ve been waiting her a long time” combo—oh wait. This is the wrong show. My bad.
The Game Of Thrones finale was dope, though.
Cardi B To The Police
Cardi B won the “most controversial moment” award this VMAs by using her mic time to shout out kneeling football guy Colin Kaepernick. The up-and-coming rapper took the opportunity during one of her intros to say “Colin Kaepernick, as long as you kneel with us, we’re going to be standing for you.” See Katy Perry, that’s how you do mid-VMA political commentary. You just fucking say what you mean. No spaceships. No bullshit. And maybe a nip slip just to keep things fun.
Honestly, all of these
adult babies people should be glad that nobody watched last night because of Game Of Thrones. The whole thing was embarrassing. Except for Cardi B. Cardi B can hang.