Pour your zero-carb appetite suppressant out for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show, which was officially canceled yesterday in a statement by their parent company, L Brands. Apparently, the VS fashion show is taking the year off to “evolve the messaging” of the brand, aka to consider working with people who are not six foot tall cis women that weigh the same as an apple. In the #MeToo era, it comes as no surprise that a show as blatantly male gaze-y as the VS Fashion Show would have to rebrand (also, model Shanina Shaik leaked the news to the Daily Telegraph back in July). As someone who, for whatever reason, found herself watching the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show year after year, the news is bittersweet. Sure, I won’t be subjected to a parade of damaging body standards that leave me seriously considering an all-soup diet, but I also won’t get to see Kendall Jenner wearing a space bra covered in glitter.
Obviously, I’m kidding. I will not miss wasting three hours on this event, which I inevitably would have done because I’m a sick millennial who is addicted to screens. But in honor of this iconic show’s demise, here are five iconic lies they’ve told us over the years. Here’s hoping the Hadid sisters use the show’s end as an excuse to let loose and try a piece of cheese.
1. This Is What Normal People Look Like In Underwear
Let’s be clear: I’m not saying that nobody looks like this. Some people do! And all 20 of them are in the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Yes, there are a blessed few who pop out of the womb with the genetics to be 5’10 and 119 pounds, but for most of us, that is just not happening. And for the people who are 5’1o and 119 pounds? Yeah, they mostly don’t look like this:
Anyway, back to watching Netflix on my couch wondering why I don’t have a six pack even though I went to the gym for 20 minutes three months ago.
2. This Is An Appropriate Costume
Yeah…don’t do this. Don’t even think about doing this. Unless you’re actually Native American*, in which case do whatever the hell you want. You’ve been through a lot. This photo is of Karlie Kloss from the 2012 VS Fashion Show, approximately 500 years after Columbus sailed the ocean blue and made this not okay to do. (Rhyme intended.) Funnily enough, Karlie stopped walking for VS in 2014 after “studying feminist theory” at NYU and realizing it sent harmful messages to young girls. Models! They’re just like us! (Getting woke after taking one women’s studies class in college.)
Also, anyone who wants to comment on this post saying VS was just trying to “honor” Native American culture is welcome to do so, but they also legally must Venmo me $12. Call it an ignorance tax.
*finding out you’re .00007% Chippewa on 23andMe doesn’t count.
3. This Is What A 37-Year-Old Woman Looks Like
This photo is from last year’s show, where a 37-year-old Adriana Lima walked her final runway. Now, I’m not saying that a woman in her late thirties can’t be a gorgeous, sexy, sensual being in the prime of their life. But what we see above is an actual abomination of nature. A gorgeous abomination, sure. But an abomination nonetheless. For reference, here is what I, a 29-year-old woman, will look like in exactly one year talking about the time I went to Bonnaroo:
Time is a cruel mistress.
4. Trans Women Can’t Be Fantasies
#TBT to a little over one year ago, when Victoria’s Secret was forced to issue an apology after Ed Razek, the guy literally known as “the man behind the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show,” said he would never allow “transexuals” (his word, not ours) to walk the catwalk because the show “is a fantasy.” He then went on to say the same thing about plus-size models.
First of all, trans women are women and plus-size women are women and the whole point of the show is to sell clothes to women, so wtf are you even talking about? Second of all, anyone who doesn’t think plus-sized or trans women can be “a fantasy” is a narc who has never even glanced at porn.
5. This Is What Running Into Your Ex Is Like
We couldn’t talk about the VS Fashion Show without mentioning the iconic moment, also known as “the only good thing that happened in the year 2016.” Let’s set the scene: Bella Hadid and The Weeknd had been dating for a year when they split up just a month before Bella’s first-ever VS Fashion Show. They were then reunited live on stage as Bella made her VS debut looking like a low-carb snack. And thus a million revenge fantasies were born.
Unfortunately, a moment like this is not available to the vast majority of the population. For us non-models, reuniting with an ex looks more like running into them with their new girlfriend while we are making a tampon run in old sweatpants. But this moment was amazing television, and almost makes the 23 years of toxic beauty standards and bad body image worth it. Almost.
Images: Giphy (4)
Well ladies, hang up your wings, because apparently the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show is not happening this year. That’s right, Kendall Jenner and her crew of insanely attractive friends will have to find something else to do this fall. Sad! The news of the fashion show’s cancelation comes from Shanina Shaik, who has walked in the show several times. While it hasn’t been confirmed yet, if Shanina is correct, this will be the first time in over 20 years that the angels won’t be walking the runway.
Shanina Shaik shared the news when speaking to The Daily Telegraph, an Australian publication. She said, “It’s something I’m not used to because every year around this time I’m training like an Angel.” It’s important to note that while Shanina Shaik has walked in the runway show five times over the past decade, she’s never technically been one of the official Victoria’s Secret Angels. I believe that Shanina probably knows what she’s talking about, it seems very random that she’s the one to be breaking this news. Victoria’s Secret still hasn’t commented, so like, was Shanina supposed to bring this up?
Shanina Shaik also told The Daily Telegraph that Victoria’s Secret is “trying to work on branding and new ways to do the show.” That’s probably a good thing, considering that the brand has come under a lot of fire in recent years for its refusal to include diverse body types or trans women in the show. Last November, VS President Edward Razek told Vogue in an interview that he didn’t feel transgender models belonged in the show “because the show is a fantasy. It’s a 42-minute entertainment special. That’s what it is.” Razek was rightly blasted by basically everyone for these comments, and he backtracked, issuing a statement that VS “would absolutely cast a transgender model for the show.” Sure, Jan.
All of the internet @ Edward Razek:
Shanina Shaik’s statement about the cancelation isn’t the first news of changes to the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in 2019. In May, Les Wexner, the CEO of L Brands (VS’ parent company), sent a memo announcing that the show wouldn’t be broadcast on network television for the first time since 2ooo. While Wexner claimed in the memo that he no longer felt that network TV was the “right fit” for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, I have a feeling it wasn’t fully his choice. Ratings have not been great for the show in recent years, and last year’s show was the lowest-rated ever. The show moved from CBS to ABC last year for the first time since 2001, and I’m sure ABC wasn’t impressed with how it performed.
So, are we sad about the loss of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show? Back when I was in college, all my friends would make a drinking game for the show, and watch together in a dorm room. Good times. Since then, I’ve started to care less and less about the fashion show, but I won’t lie, I’ve always kind of loved the idea of the Victoria’s Secret Angels. The outfits are exciting and over-the-top, and there have been some great performances at the show over the years.
But in 2019, the lack of diversity, especially in body types, really doesn’t cut it anymore. If anything, I hope they take this year off to regroup, and then the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show can come back better than ever, as a true celebration of what makes all women sexy. No shade to Adriana Lima and co., but VS has to evolve to stay relevant. It’s not just a matter of hiring one plus-size model, but rather rethinking the entire approach to what makes a Victoria’s Secret Angel.
Whether or not the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show happens again in the future, it’s probably for the best that they’re taking this year off. What are your thoughts about the future of the VS Fashion Show? Are you happy? Will you miss the fantasy bra (hi, this is me)? Let me know in the comments!
Images: Shutterstock; shaninamshaik / Instagram; Giphy
Sunday, December 2 was the biggest night of the year for body insecurity—I mean, since Thanksgiving (but maybe that’s just my family)—because we were all treated to the 2018 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. I’d like to open with a few remarks. First of all, a big F*CK YOU to ABC and Victoria’s Secret, above all, for making this sh*t start at 10pm on a Sunday night when I should be
lying awake, crippled by anxiety about going back to work tomorrow asleep. Second of all, for making this sh*t exist in the first place. It’s 2018, we’re body positive now, sitting on my couch at 10pm watching tiny women who all somehow look alike prance down a runway while last year’s pop stars serenade them is not my idea of a good time. Like, didn’t Miss America even get rid of the bathing suit portion of their competition? It’s time to mix it up.
Fortunately, I have a few ideas for how the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show can be upgraded. Throw the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest in with this b*tch. Maybe add a talent portion (because I can assure you, walking in a straight line and blowing the occasional kiss does not count as a talent—if it did, I would be far more successful than I am today). Maybe a couch-to-runway portion, where models eat half a Domino’s pizza and then model lingerie? Give the people what they want!
In any case, regressive or not, I reluctantly tuned into the 2018 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. I missed the first performance due to connectivity issues, but tuned in to watch The Chainsmokers (aka the hot one pretending to play the guitar) and Kelsea Ballerini. I still have not figured out who Kelsea Ballerini is, to be honest. Is she from The Voice? Is she like, the Rita Ora of country music? Sure, I could Google it, but then who would be there in the comments to smugly correct me? She and The Chainsmokers (the other one was relegated to the back, my mistake, but he was there) perform some song I’ve never heard of.
Candice Swanepoel gets ready to walk down the runway. This is my favorite part—the soundbites of the underpaid PAs screaming “Go, Candice” to signal her trip down a flat strip of floor, as if she’s about to perform brain surgery and not just put one foot in front of the other. One of the Angels literally crosses herself backstage. I mean, I know someone did fall last year, but still, I can assure you, it is not that deep.
The theme to this line appears to be “random corsets”. It’s kind of like Candy Land mixed with Valentine’s Day? I’m sure that’s precisely what went on during the brainstorming meeting. Some models are wearing tiny sunglasses as if this weren’t filmed in November. The stage does look really cool, though.
We come back from the commercial break to a montage of Adriana Lima’s career as a Victoria’s Secret Angel. Lest we forget, Adriana is hanging up her wings after tonight. And when I decide to stop wearing lingerie in front of other people, they call it “letting yourself go”. This montage, though, is excellent. We move through Adriana’s awkward years—which, to be clear, are still better than any of us look on our best day—up until today. The most interesting part of this retrospective, I think, is the unintentional journey through women’s beauty standards. Initially, we see a stick-thin Adriana with arms that are smaller than my wrists, to now, where she appears to have been granted the ability to consume full-fat milk. Progress!
Adriana walks the runway in this gorgeous bejeweled hybrid between a bra and a shirt. How can I cop this bra for New Years Eve? Asking for myself. Adriana is crying, and I guess that’s how I’d feel on my last day of work too.
Immediately after this, Halsey performs, looking like a sexy white walker. (I don’t watch Game of Thrones, so you can let me know in the comments if that reference was accurate.) She’s got like, feathery eyebrows, I guess because if they didn’t put something stupid on Halsey’s face she’d look like an Angel and they wouldn’t want anyone to feel threatened. Halsey killed it, and I have nothing further to say on the matter.
This section is very “literal angel”—lots of white, lots of feathers. I guess it could also be winter. Whatever. One shining moment was getting to see Winnie Harlow walk down the runway, because it is about as far as VS will push the boundaries of what’s considered conventional beauty tonight.
Next, Bella Hadid walks down the runway and we cut to The Weeknd, clapping in the audience. I just want a guy to look at me with the mixture of admiration and bashfulness with which Abel looks at Bella, but I guess in order to achieve that I’d have to work out for hours every day and get some light plastic surgery… or so society would like me to believe!
We come back from commercial to footage of the models finding out they’re making the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. It’s kind of like watching a bunch of marriage proposals: a lot of screaming, crying, and tearful calls to loved ones.
Thank you, I’ll be here all week.
When we return to the show, it’s Bebe Rexha’s performance, and she’s wearing what is like, top half trench coat and bottom half ballerina outfit. It’s hot pink and garish. There are matching thigh-highs and a giant bow in the back. I imagine her conversation with her stylist went like this:
Stylist: How do you wanna look for the 2018 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show?
Bebe: Pink Panther, but make it sexy.
Stylist: Gotchu fam.
My favorite part of Bebe’s performance is the models who are half dancing down this runway (which, when your job is to walk, feels like cheating but ok), singing along to this song. How much do you think Bebe’s people had to pay them to pretend like they knew the words? Seriously, gun to your head, could any of you name a single Bebe Rexha song? And not like, a G-Eazy song where she’s featured on the hook—one of her own songs. I’ll wait.
The clothes being featured are the PINK line, and I didn’t even have to look at the garments closely to tell you that. I can tell that by the sheer amount of inappropriate sequins. What is this, 2000? Because that’s the last time I thought wearing a sequined striped referee top was a good idea.
After Bebe Rexha, it’s Shawn Mendes’ turn to perform, and this was a smart move on the part of the talent bookers for this show, seeing as being serenaded by Shawn Mendes is the only thing in this entire hour-long special that’s actually motivating me to purchase more underwear.
My favorite moment is when Gigi Hadid walks by, wearing a parachute strapped to her back. I get it, because I’m also thinking about jumping out the nearest window watching this.
Our regularly scheduled programming is interrupted by a Bachelor promo in which Colton holds a bunch of golden retriever puppies, who look like they would rather be anywhere else in the world than in his arms. I’m sure, come January, many of the women competing on the show will be able to relate.
Before we return to the show, we get a video of all the models’ fitness goals. Martha Hunt attempts to be relatable by saying her goal is to do 10 squats without breaking form (she has Scoliosis, so I guess this is actually difficult for her… fine). My fitness goals are to be able to eat whatever I want and not gain weight, so like, same thing.
After that, Rita Ora performs!! She’s wearing so much gold jewelry, it puts the Migos to shame. I don’t actually have anything bad to say about Rita; she can clearly sing and she looks good. As Behati Prinsloo walks by, they pan to Adam Levine, who is screaming after her. Once again, if my man isn’t going to show this type of loyalty, I don’t want him.
The theme of this collection is “we just realized people are pretending to like Rock ‘n Roll as a trend now”. Legit one of these shirts is cut up the sides and held together with safety pins, like I used to do for free with shirts I got at bar mitzvahs. And, literally the last look of this collection is straight out of Mugatu’s derelicte campaign.
I’m sorry, is that a trash bag?? With spray paint?? Oh wait, I get it: this entire show is one giant walk-off.
What I hope is the last performance of the evening is by “British rock band, The Struts.” And they need to qualify that because otherwise none of us would know who tf that is. Kendall Jenner finally gets her big moment in the sun—and that pun was intended since the theme to this collection is astrology. “What VS Bra Should You Wear According To Your Horoscope”—new article coming soon to Betches.
I have to pause for a moment here, because I’ve got to wonder why the rock band didn’t sing during the rock themed collection. I sincerely hope that, after reading this article, somebody will reach out to me to curate next year’s show. I’ve got good ideas! In any case, the one other positive moment from the show is what is sure to be the abundance of Kris Jenner memes. Behold, my blurry af screenshot of Kris Jenner filming Kendall walking down the runway:
First “thank u, next” and now this. What did we do to deserve this good fortune?? Additionally, I think Kris Jenner should just walk around with a camcorder at all times now.
And we’ve made it to the finale without incident. SNOOZE. Overall, I am disappointed nobody ate sh*t on the runway. One Kris Jenner meme does not a fashion show make. On the upside, I’ve been so distracted by how lame this show has been to even feel bad about my body. So there’s that!
Images: Getty Images (4); ABC
Oh perf, it’s time to talk sh*t about Victoria’s Secret! I’ve been waiting for this day since the time a woman doing measurements at the Victoria’s Secret at my local mall told me they didn’t carry my size, essentially implying that I should try Sears. K, b*tch. Anyway, rumor has it that Jan Singer, the company’s CEO, will be stepping down. This comes shortly after the company ran into some controversy during the annual fashion show. Coincidence? Lol, no.
As we all know, Victoria’s Secret hosts a televised show every year, and it’s essentially forty minutes of impossibly hot women strutting down the runway in underwear. Or as I like to call it, reason number 55679 to hate myself. Victoria’s Secret isn’t exactly known for celebrating all body types, and this year chief marketing officer Ed Razek made that explicitly clear in an interview with Vogue. “We attempted to do a television special for plus-sizes . No one had any interest in it, still don’t, “said Razek. Big words for a guy working for a company that has seen a 38% decrease in shares this year. Brands like Rihanna’s Savage X Fenty and models like Ashley Graham have shown us that women are excited about and turning to a more inclusive fashion world. Can you imagine…women not wanting to be held to a ridiculous beauty standard and instead wanting to see their body types being celebrated and catered to? Wild.
Don’t worry, Razek didn’t stop there. He decided to lean in and say even more offensive things. Maybe he should work for the White House? Seems like he’d fit right in. “Shouldn’t you have transsexuals in the show? No. No, I don’t think we should. Well, why not? Because the show is a fantasy. It’s a 42-minute entertainment special. That’s what it is,” said Razek. So essentially he implied that transgender models shouldn’t be included in the show because that would take away from the fantasy and entertainment elements. I’ll be the one to say it, sounds like this guy should eat a d*ck.
Razek later made a bullsh*t apology on Twitter because those are the rules of being a dickwad in 2018. But apparently it wasn’t enough to convince Singer to stick around and clean up the mess he made.
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It’s finally November, which means we’re rapidly approaching one of the year’s most important events: the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. The VS show is always a great opportunity for drinking games and binge eating, and we’re starting to get a pretty good idea of what this year’s event will look like. We have the list of which models will be walking in the show, and now we also know the list of 2018 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show performers. Read on to find out which musical artists will be performing on the runway.
In the past, the performers have included major stars like Taylor Swift, Rihanna, and Lady Gaga, among others. They’ve set a high bar for the talent level in the past, and I’ve gotta be honest, this year’s lineup is a little disappointing. It seems like they went for quantity over quality, because there are seven musical acts performing: Shawn Mendes, The Chainsmokers, Halsey, Rita Ora, Bebe Rexha, Kelsea Ballerini, and The Struts. Let’s unpack, shall we?
Okay, so I’m assuming some of these people will be performing with each other rather than solo, because otherwise this sh*t is going to be seven hours long. Shawn Mendes will probably get to perform by himself, because he’s super famous and cute and talented, and it’s what he deserves. Sure, all of the six-foot-tall models will make him look like a literal child, but I’m okay with it.
I’ve gotta be honest, the trio of Halsey, Rita Ora, and Bebe Rexha seems a little repetitive. I like all three of them, but to have them all performing at the same event doesn’t really seem necessary. Maybe Halsey will do “Closer” with The Chainsmokers? Ah 2016, it was a simpler time. The notable connection between Bebe and Rita is that they’re both Albanian, which they love to talk about. Maybe they’ll come out in Albanian flag costumes and perform together? Probs not, but I’m sure the creative geniuses at Victoria’s Secret will come up with something equally entertaining. Or maybe not. I have little faith.
The duo of The Struts and Kelsea Ballerini are definitely the bottom of the barrel here, and I’m kind of confused why they’re even on the list. Kelsea is a cute country singer, so I guess they’re going for that demographic, but if this means we’re getting a hoedown themed segment in the fashion show, I’m officially done with everything. For the love of god, do not put Adriana Lima in a cowboy hat, I forbid it. The Struts are a random British rock band, and it’s unclear if anyone cares. That’s all.
As for the models walking in the show, there are lots of them, and most really don’t matter. Kendall Jenner and Gigi Hadid are on the list, as well as long-time favorites like Adriana Lima, Behati Prinsloo, Candice Swanepoel, and Lily Aldridge. Also returning is Devon Windsor, who recently made headlines when she compared the struggles of being blonde to what black people go through. Great!
The 2018 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show airs on December 2, so we’re only a month away! Start working on your fashion show bod—just kidding, it’s far too late.
Images: Giphy (2)
Welcome back to the biggest hit on your self-esteem that comes around every year: the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show! It’s always so exciting to watch 55 girls with a high school degree (and Karlie Kloss) subtly remind you that you ain’t shit.
Since this is the first time I’ve turned my TV to CBS since ‘Nam, I’ve decided to celebrate appropriately with buttered popcorn and a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Let’s be judgmental and catty now, so we can go cry ourselves to sleep later, k?
The show starts with an intro to China, because, you know, no one has ever heard of it. “With its rich history and beautiful architecture, only China can show the beauty of bedazzled underwear.” To the Chinese guy with braces who said “I’ve been dreaming of this for so many years,” — Congratulations. You know what they say, dream completely random shit like “have the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show come to my hometown,” and it just might come true.
TBH the VS Fashion show is the strongest show of international diplomacy we’ve seen since November 9th, 2016.
They introduce the musical guests, Leslie Odom Jr., Miguel, Harry Styles and some “international pop star” named Jane Zhang. And before you go calling me uncultured for not knowing her, I’ll have you know that I use the line “sing to me, Paolo” in everyday conversation.
Either way, this year is a low-key downgrade from previous musical years. Sorry, you were thinking it.
WALK #1: THE STAGES OF GOING TO PRIVATE SCHOOL
Candice is up first and if you don’t know these people, that’s a personal problem. She’s basically rocking a Catholic school uniform that is like, moderately more slutty than they usually are.
She’s followed by Martha, Josephine and Stella, which together sound like the group that plays bridge with my grandma every Friday. Seriously why do all of you have old people names? No Jenny in the group?
Karlie Kloss is rocking this Scottish Braveheart look. TBH she looks very Warped Tour circa 2006 to me. In fact, this entire collection does.
The models walk down each side of the runway, meet in the middle and do a pose with each other, which you can tell is becoming a problem for some of them. Poor Stella looks like she might start vomiting when Martha tries to fist bump her.
Okay this whole pose-with-each-other thing is like, so annoying. We get it, you know each other. You all have matching pink shirts and are such a big, hot family. Yadda yadda.
The outfits switch up to more of a motorcycling look, which is officially the rebellious stage of a private school betch. I’ll be honest, some of the bras look wearable, but most of them look like the S&M team in the movie Dodgeball.
REAL PICTURE OF THE RUNWAY RN:
VS designers: “I want the girls to be so covered in studs that if any man ever tries to touch them, they are instantly impaled and bleed out.” 2017 is the year of the women, I tell you.
WALK #2: MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A SLUTTY EASTER
Cut to our first BTS look at the Angels, aka the part where they actually talk. You always think this part is going to be more interesting than the actual show, but it isn’t. Turns out models don’t talk for a reason. The models are watching their old walks and they’re like, “time stops when you’re walking the runway.” Yeah, I guess walking in a straight line is stressful, but have you ever had the pressure of stopping the microwave before it hits 0?
They are looking at old outfits and reminiscing on the days they all used to be friends with Taylor Swift.
Lily is like, “my first runway I was walking down to my husband’s music, so like, it was nice to know that if I fell I would still be rich after.”
Miguel is up next, but we’re all focused on Thigh-High BootGate that is happening backstage. Will someone fucking tie Taylor’s boot? I haven’t been this stressed since Donald Trump threatened nuclear war with North Korea. So like, yesterday.
This section is what your grandma’s china looks like in underwear form. Or like, every Easter tablecloth I have ever eaten on.
Miguel is fucking killing it out there. Def deserved that one Grammy nomination four years ago. He’s doing a better job of flirting with the angels as the they walk by, which brings me to my theory that Harry is nervous to scam on other girls in front of Kendall, who is obviously watching.
All the girls are pretending to know a single word to his song and dancing around uncomfortably, which is also what I’m kind of doing too. Can you like, sing “Sure Thing”?
Here’s Bella Hadid holding it down for the entire Hadid family. This is your moment, Bella! All you had to do was keep your shit tight and wait until your sister was banned from a country for racial insensitivity it was your time to shine!
WALK #3: NO, THIS ISN’T A FUNERAL
Before the runway, Jasmine and Josephine go to practice Kung Fu, and no, I am not making this up. They walk in and they’re like “omg are you Jackie Chan?”
I’m sure this is what every fucking Sensei aims for—teaching a bunch of models how to punch the air. Even Kung-Fu Panda 2 was less of a dishonor.
Now they are in a “fight” and kicking aimlessly, while some dude just keeps going “very good” in the background. I’m really glad we wasted everybody’s time on this.
Like seriously, WTF is this? This feels like an ANTM challenge? Is Tyra Banks about to pop out and be like “KUNG FU—BUT MAKE IT FASHION!!!”
OMG they zoom in to Ming talking about how her whole family is in the audience. Because I stalk follow some of them on Instagram, I know what happens. I’m ready, I’m worried.
They’re announcing Leslie Odom Jr. like “the Hamilton hero is up next!!” He played Aaron Burr, who is the villain in the end, you uncultured swine.
Leslie Odom Jr. is trying to make me cry during a bra fashion show with this sad, slow song he’s singing. This is without a doubt the weirdest funeral I have ever been to.
Here they are: the snow angels, with a hint of Native American cultural appropriation. They’re all getting their pre-show prayers in, presumably asking God to give them the strength to walk in a straight line for a total of 30 seconds.
Sadly, God hath forsaken Ming Xi, who totally eats shit on the runway after spending her entire backstage interview being like “Omg this is my hometown I can’t embarrass myself.”
^I would like to add that whoever made this gif was extremely forgiving. In reality it took like, a solid 30 seconds of her sitting on the ground, contemplating her life choices and next career move, and another model to help her up before she got back on her feet.
TBH it is pretty savage of the VS Fashion Show editors to keep this part in. Like, they could have cut it out like the time an Angel’s wing bitch-slapped Ariana Grande in the face but, nah, they needed the drama.
Now Ming Xi is sobbing and it’s like, sad but also you just walked in the VS Fashion Show, so how bad can I feel for you, really?
“You looked so beautiful at the end” is such a great backhanded compliment. Wouldn’t be surprised if she leaned in after that and whispered, “You blew it, bitch.”
Leslie is like “fall down 7 times get up 8” and the VS producers are like “NO. NO MORE FALLING.”
WALK #4: THE SECOND STRING
Now is the pink lineup, which is the JV team of VS Fashion Show. They do introductions of these girls, trying to pretend like they care. This is the section I can actually afford, so of course it’s the worst part.
Lily is like “I remember when I did Pink and now I make money.” #tbt
Jane Zhang is doing a full dance number on the runway, and the Pink girls are parading around in their inflatable wings and parkas, hoping one day they can pretend to interact with a singer on the runway that people actually know. Dream big, ladies. Somewhere backstage Leslie Odom Jr. is pulling off his cummerbund and texting his manager, “You told me this look worked!!!”
Some of these girls do really aggressive poses at the end, but I guess when you’re modeling sweatpants, you got a lot to be mad about.
Pink is the only place ever that’s like “I know what’s sexy: mesh overalls” and “you should totally wear a matching backpack and baseball cap with that bra.”
WALK #5: BACK TO THE GOOD SHIT
You know what’s fun about this show? It’s probably the full length feature film Victoria’s Secret commercials in between. In case you forgot that you can buy this stuff. This shit is like, every basic bitch’s Super Bowl.
Next they talk about where the models are from, because like, culture.
Elsa is like “when you’re on the runway, you feel like you’re walking for your country.” Yeah, this is really the fucking Olympics out here.
Everyone is losing their shit about Alessandra Ambrosio, who will be walking her last runway before they set her out to sea.
All the models are giving speeches about how great an icon she is, with the subtext “but move over bitch, because you’re old as shit and I’m coming for you”
“Like Burning Man, but make it more ho,” is what I imagine the VS designers said while creating this line. It has feathers and tassels and all the other shit you see while attending any white-washed music festival or looking at any of the Kardashians’ Halloween costumes.
Alessandra’s last walk ever after like, 30 years of being an underwear model. I was getting my first set of braces tightened when she first started this gig. She takes time at the end of the walk to relay a very important message to the fans: I <3 U Forever.
Wow. What a timeless message. It’s been fun, boo. Now go be like, middle-aged now.
The models and the musical guests start talking about music and fashion and how they influence each other. Martha is like, “hip-hop came around in the 90’s and represented the streets.” Because no one knows the streets like good ol’ Martha.
Lais is wearing the two million-dollar fantasy bra that is coated in gold jewels. It’s actually the prettiest fantasy bra they have had in years. *puts on Amazon wishlist* Is that at select stores only?
This walk is a full greek goddess theme, because nothing says “embracing the Chinese culture” like praising a European empire.
Bella Hadid looks hot AF per usual. Homegirl is gonna like, get it.
It’s honestly amazing how fucking hot some of these girls are with shaved heads. Like, wow, so inspiring. If I don’t have a full blanket of hair around me I become a British man. Good for you all.
The finale is lead by the girls you actually know and they all stand at the front of the stage, laughing and having a grand time knowing that they will undoubtedly cause millions of girls to go on a swift diet of carrots and air tomorrow.
So, this has been great. We should totally do it again next year. I’m going to go eat cheese dip and hate myself now. BYE.
Although the annual Victoria’s Secret fashion show was taped last week, last night
us peasants the general public was able to view it on air. Last night, I watched and ogled the six-pack abs I’ll set as a New Year’s Eve resolution this year (RT if you cry every time) while eating a fuck ton of pasta. I pigged out and admired the way Ming Xi (the one who fell on her ass) continued doing the damn thing in front of millions of people. I mean, I thought my drunk texts and blackout Snapchats were bad, but I really saw that worse things could happen, I guess. I cried when Alessandra Ambrosio was all, “Peace out, Victoria’s Secret. The South Beach Fat Flush sucked, anyway.” I admired Candice Swanepoel’s perfection, but mostly, I admired the skimpy lingerie and sky-high heels these models were strutting in as if this was the easiest thing to do. But, as every year, I had my laptop open next to me, not only to write this, but so I could shop the collection ASAP. Merry Christmas to me, bitches. This year was extra special, thanks to the Balmain capsule collection, so this shit will def sell out. Here’s everything you need to buy straight from the ~PINK~ runway.
1. Very Sexy Chantilly Lace Lace-Up Bralette
This sexual vibrant red number comes from the Nomadic Adventure collection. It’s full of fire reds, warm oranges, and tropical vibes that make it the perfect addition to your winter vacay wardrobe. The vibrant red bralette may not come with padding, but it comes with to-die-for lacing, bomb cleavage, and a high neck that provides just the right amount of illusion if you’re lacking boobage. Wear under a lace-up shirt, oversize sweater, or loose tank top after the gym. Screw black for a sec—you can literally never go wrong with red.
2. Dream Angels Chantilly Lace High-Neck Bra
This is kinda like a shirt, but more like a bra. It’s from the Porcelain Angel collection, which emphasizes baby blues and pristine whites, mixed with our go-to black traditional lingerie pieces. As advertised, this bralette is “made to be seen” since it’s full of intricate details like the lace that’s literally everywhere and feminine floral patterns. This is def worth buying because if you feel like taking a fashion risk, you can totes pair with high-waisted black jeans or a leather skirt for rocker vibes. It not only becomes a top, but a cute bra to feel v confident in.
3. Dream Angels Wicked Unlined Uplift Bra
A Winter’s Tale and Porcelain Angel basically share the same idea. White and blue are obvs cute together, and suddenly, you’ve become Frozen’s Queen Elsa in the sheets. For those who absolutely hate push-ups because like, ouch and boobs in the face, this unlined bra full of white lace still gets the job done without the padding. It’s a bit more comfortable, snug, and feels good wearing underneath all your shirts.
4. PINK Bling Lace-Up Hoodie
Cropped hoodies are very much a thing rn, so now’s a good time to jump in. This comes from PINK’s Millennial Nation collection, which sounds honestly both bitter and laughable. I can almost hear an angry grandpa yelling somewhere. This chic lace-up black hoodie is a serious upgrade to your attempts at calling your hangover sweats “street style.” It features a lace-up neckline in bright white, obnoxious bling on the back, and bedazzled red roses, just because let’s see how much PINK can fit on one piece of clothing. No, but really, it’s actually cute the more I look at it.
5. Very Sexy Shine Lace Unlined Balconet Bra
The Goddess collection is an ode to Ancient Greece, and quite frankly, puts your sorority’s toga mixer to goddamn shame. With our fave nudes, sky blues, and golden accents, the line brings in amazingly gorg lingerie. This shimmery blush balconet bra ensures your twins look as perfect as ever, without giving you too much coverage if you feel like showing some skin. It’ll def enhance your shape, cleavage, and bounce, but still feel as if you’re barely wearing a bra—all I ask for in this life of sin, basically.
6. Victoria’s Secret x Balmain Strappy Cheeky Panty
Obviously, the fucking best is saved for last. The highly anticipated collaboration clearly didn’t disappoint and is bound to sell tf out after its release, so you better act fast. Balmain’s Olivier Rousteing designed a super edgy, punk-esque lingerie collection that’s still incredibly sexy and girly at the same time. In the Punk Angels collection, models showed off a range of rock-n-roll-inspired pieces that consisted of red plaid, fishnet patterns, lacey black bralettes, and even grunge-y oversize graphic T-shirts. I am living for this matching set and IDEC if I wear it underneath my clothes only to be seen by no one, ever. JUDGE ME. The collection will hit online and stores Wednesday (as in today, people), starting at 10am.
The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show is one of the biggest nights of the year. Sure, the models have been starving themselves and spending crazy hours in the gym for months, but it’s also a big night for us. It’s a time when our self-esteem becomes especially fragile, and we start to have strange feelings of not being perfect. We’re here to say that it’s okay. You might not look like Adriana Lima, but at least you can eat all of these delicious foods. Don’t kid yourself and say you’re going on a diet starting tonight—just lean in and shame eat these good-but-bad-for-you foods.
1. Chicken Wings
Victoria’s Secret loves wings, so why not take that literally? Get messy! Bonus: You’ll get as gross on the outside as you feel inside.
2. Angel Food Cake
Continue the angel theme into dessert by cutting yourself a fat slice of cake. The cake is nice and light—just the opposite of you.
Okay this isn’t food, but here’s your gentle reminder that you should also be getting drunk rn. Drake warns against mixing vodka with emotions, but there’s always an exception to every rule.
Kendall talks all the time about how she loves burgers, so you can eat one for her! She’ll finally have a reason to be jealous of you.
We recommend ordering a large pizza and just shoving it in your fucking face when you see the fantasy bra.
Eat one chip for every model who walks down the runway—you’ll be full and they’ll still be sad and hungry.
Lots of candy. Keep this on hand for the commercial breaks between your main courses.
Did we say vodka?
To be eaten throughout. This is a TV spectacular, after all.
10. Ice Cream
Grab a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and dig in when Alessandra has her big moment on stage before she retires. Everybody hurts, okay?
Images: Christopher Flowers / Unsplash; Giphy (5)