5 Signs A Real Housewife Needs To Retire

Just weeks ago, a grown woman was caught on film having a meltdown while on the job. She yelled at her boss, suggested that she was the reason for his success, and publicly shamed a coworker with same-sex proclivities, saying, “We don’t do that” and “Turn it down!” In any other functional workplace, this behavior would get a person immediately fired, but in Real Housewives land it gets you ratings and a promotion. Of course, this isn’t the first time Vicki Gunvalson has gone off the rails, but it is the first time it has felt like a palpable line had been crossed. After her entitled and delusional outbursts at The Real Housewives of Orange County season 14 reunion, it became clear that she had fallen prey to some classic Real Housewife pre-retirement symptoms, suffered by many fellow Housewives, past and present. Read on for the signs a Real Housewife should leave the party.

1. Not Fully Participating in Filming and Reunions

There are always going to be parts of our jobs that we don’t like, for example, having to interact with other human beings partnering with coworkers on group projects. However, we’re paid to fully execute our responsibilities, and a Housewife’s duties are no different. This means showing up to all filming obligations, regardless of whether you feel like it or are getting along with your fellow castmates. Unfortunately, Lisa Vanderpump didn’t seem to understand this concept throughout season 9 of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, when she just decided to stop filming midway through and chicken out on the reunion because she wasn’t getting along with the other women. It’s no wonder she was fired won’t return for the upcoming season. NeNe Leakes is also currently suffering from a similar delusion on this season of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. She’s barely been a presence and is leaving the heavy lifting to “friends of” like Marlo Hampton. It’s like asking an intern to bear your entire workload. Aspirational, but not how it actually works. If the Bravo execs have any sense, they’ll give Ms. Leakes her walking papers.

2. Forgetting The Show Is An Ensemble Effort

It’s natural that in any season there are going to be fan favorites and breakout stars. But Housewives get into trouble when they start believing their own hype and convincing themselves that they are the stars of their shows and their fellow castmates are merely supporting players. Vicki demonstrated this over and over again on the season 14 reunion, constantly making references to “my show” and saying “Get her off my show!” in reference to Braunwyn. Teresa Giudice is also guilty of using similar language on multiple occasions. What both Vicki and Teresa fail to realize is that they are on a show that thrives—nay, depends—on the interactions between cast members. Unless you’re Bethenny Frankel, you’re not compelling enough to carry your own show. Suck it up and know your role before you find yourself out of a job.

3. Crossing Moral And/Or Legal Boundaries

As Housewife fans, we live for drama, but when that drama derives from behavior that is immoral or downright illegal, it becomes hard to stand by the Housewife in question. We can never forget Vicki’s entanglement with real-life Dirty John Brooks Ayers, who spent the bulk of season 10 perpetrating a cancer scam, and although she was fully aware of this claimed to know nothing about it, she lost a lot of her luster with fans and the storyline was widely considered a low point for the series. Behavior that goes even further and ventures into criminal territory will get you fired, as Phaedra Parks learned after the revelation during the season 9 Atlanta reunion that Phaedra spread defamatory rumors claiming Kandi and Todd wanted to drug Porsha in order to take advantage of her. Attorney Phaedra should have known better than anyone that no one wants to deal with lawyers.

4. Being Inauthentic

We’ve all deduced by now that “reality” television is hardly real in the way, say, documentary footage or live news reporting is real. Plots need to be fleshed out, and at times that leads to storylines that can come off a bit contrived. However, when a Housewife herself is inauthentic, it’s a deal-breaker, and a telltale sign that she has no business being on the show. Tamra Judge on Orange County is a perfect current example. A woman who was once a pot-stirring firecracker prone to taking her top off is now, over a decade later, a pot-stirring firecracker prone to taking her top off. Only now it’s no longer novel and comes off as a desperate attempt to stay relevant on a show that is evolving without her. Another party guilty of inauthenticity of a different type is Dorit Kemsley on Beverly Hills. Forgetting about her put-on accent, Dorit’s refusal to air any of her real-life controversies makes her one of the phoniest Housewives we’ve ever had. It’s unclear what she brings to the show, other than a piggish husband and a penchant for over-the-top, label-displaying fashion she can’t actually afford. Yawn.

5. Avoiding Drama

Just like part of the job is showing up to filming at the appointed times, another integral part of being a Housewife is getting into it with other Housewives. Yet, year after year, there are always several women who complain that they “don’t want any drama” and refuse to go toe-to-toe with the others. In fact, aside from Puppygate, the entire cast of Beverly Hills built a whole season around this ethos, leaving us with one of the most boring seasons of the show we’ve ever seen (and that’s saying something). Even Namaste Teresa is a shell of the table-flipping, prostitution-whore-calling woman she once was, staying out of the fray and letting other people like Danielle Staub do her bidding. One might say this is growth and one might be right, but we all know dignity and maturity have no place on reality television. If I wanted to watch respectful and thoughtful people politely interact with one another, I’d put on The Great British Bake Off. Pick a lane, people!

It will be interesting to see what Bravo does with its OGs, who are some of the worst offenders when it comes to this list. While there’s something comforting about keeping around those who have been there from the beginning, getting rid of the women who aren’t pulling their weight keeps the others on their toes, especially those who lack the self-awareness to course-correct like Lisa Rinna, who does her best despite her drama-eschewing castmates. What other signs are there that a Housewife needs to go and who do you think needs to get off our screens? Let me know in the comments!

Images: Paul Morigi/Getty Images; Giphy (4); Tenor (1)

Vicki Gunvalson Tried To Sue Kelly Dodd Over Their ‘RHOC’ Drama

As any Bravo fan knows, it was major news earlier this year when Vicki Gunvalson, the ultimate OG of the Real Housewives franchise, was demoted to a recurring cast member after 13 seasons. This season has been up and down for her, with some episodes revolving around her, and others cutting her out completely. While she hasn’t been a consistent presence on camera during season 14, though, she’s still stirring up plenty of drama.

On last week’s episode of the show, all of the ladies came together to celebrate Vicki’s birthday. All of the ladies, that is, with the exception of Kelly Dodd. Kelly and Vicki have had issues for years, but their road has been especially bumpy this year. Kelly has repeatedly accused Vicki of spreading malicious rumors about her, including a particularly salacious one about a sex train. But earlier this season, it seemed like these two had finally made a breakthrough when they made up on a trip to Arizona. Yeah, that clearly didn’t last. When Kelly declined to attend Vicki’s birthday, she told Tamra that the only celebration of Vicki she’d attend is her funeral. Vicki obviously wasn’t thrilled when she found out about this comment, but there’s something coming up later this season that really set her off.

Last week, Vicki filed a lawsuit against Kelly Dodd, Bravo TV, and Evolution Media (RHOC’s production company), claiming that Kelly said things while filming the show that could damage her reputation and career. The suit alleges that, on a trip to Key West, Kelly Dodd made three damaging comments about Vicki’s life insurance business, and demands that the producers cut those comments from the upcoming episode.

In the trailer for the full season, we can hear Kelly call Vicki “a con woman,” and the other comments mentioned in the suit include an accusation of “prey on older people” and “engag in fraud.” Basically, it sounds like Kelly probably gets wasted in Key West, and throws out some accusations at Vicki, in her true messy queen way. I get why Vicki would have an issue with a fraud allegation, but this is really not that out of character for Kelly.

The best part about the lawsuit is that Vicki filed it anonymously, so she’s identified in the legal documents as “Jane Roe.” This is pretty hilarious, considering that, according to TMZ, the suit refers to Jane Roe as “a TV personality on ‘RHOC’ who is also a retirement planning specialist and prez of an insurance and financial services company.” Like…Vicki…that ain’t anonymous. There are literally only seven women on the show, and she’s the only one who runs an insurance company.

But earlier this week, it was reported that Vicki had dropped her lawsuit against Kelly and the producers. According to a People source, “She has spoken to the producers and has resolved the issues amicably,” which sounds like a nice way of saying that she realized this wasn’t going to end well for her if she went through with it. With her demotion this season, Vicki is already in a precarious position on the show, and suing the people who sign your paychecks probably isn’t the best way to get back in their good graces. Also, Vicki’s insurance business is not going to be crippled by one drunken accusation from Kelly Dodd, especially when Vicki has spent four seasons antagonizing Kelly.

There are still several weeks left in this season of RHOC, and I have a feeling it’s going to be an exciting finish. Obviously, we have the Key West drama with Kelly and Vicki to look forward to, but that’s not it. This week, the show set up for a major showdown between on-and-off BFFs Shannon and Tamra, and everyone in the cast has really been bringing it this season. Bless these messy women.

Images: commentsbybravo / Instagram

A Look Back At The Real Housewives Of OC’s Original Faces

Guys, RHOC is finally back on August 6th! For those of you that do not have absolute trash taste in television, RHOC is Real Housewives of Orange County, aka the franchise that started it all. For what it’s worth, I am still absolutely beyond livid that OG of the OC, Vicki Gunvalson, was demoted to a friend, but I will still watch. It seems like the ladies of OC have been busy, with Gina getting a DUI (she is the worst, why is she still on the show?), and ex-Housewife child Alexa Curtin getting arrested for drug possession. A lot has gone on in the THIRTEEN YEARS the OC ladies have graced our televisions. Seriously, the early episodes somehow look like they were shot in the 80’s compared to now. I don’t get how that happens. I was in high school when this show came out and I don’t remember TV looking so bad? But anyway, nothing has changed more than the Housewives’ faces. It’s not really that surprising, considering that in Orange County, plastic surgery is a necessary chore, like going to the gym or the grocery store. Everyone uses the same two surgeons and it’s all very, very creepy. Vicki alone has had three full face swaps. Let’s take a look at the current cast’s face from their first episode until now.

Tamra Judge

Image result for tamra barney season 3

Tamra Judge started out in season 3 as Tamra Barney, and she was a sad, pathetic woman that followed around her gross, controlling husband. Thankfully she’s definitely had a personality glow-up with the new face (seriously, that season 3 pic is UNRECOGNIZABLE) and is now super strong mentally and physically (since she owns a gym). She definitely had her face frozen via Botox, possibly her chin shaved down (OUCH), definitely got some veneers, but it seems like she kept her original nose! What a rarity in OC.

Shannon Beador

Shannon Beador entered our lives in season 9 as a super thin, insanely rich resident psycho who wouldn’t have Wifi in the house because she believed it causes cancer. Since then, she’s gained and lost some weight, most noticably 180 lbs of douchebag cheating husband. I live for Shannon Beador and her use of everyone’s first and last names. Face-wise, she looks completely different, but it looks like a standard frozen face/lip injections/Botox kind of deal, plus basic aging and weight change.

Kelly Dodd

Is there anyone messier than Kelly Dodd? Kelly looks like she had a lot of work done before the show, so her face hasn’t changed that much in the years since. She’s always had a kind of Michael Jackson nose, filler-lip sort of look to her. Plus, she was dating a plastic surgeon. I always had mixed feelings about Kelly. On the one hand, I hate her. But on the other hand, with Gina and Emily back on the show, I’m grateful for her presence because who else is going to fuel the drama for us to watch?

Gina Kirschenheiter

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Gina RHOC

I dislike Gina so much, I can’t stand it. She is just such a bummer of a person. First of all, she belongs on RHONJ if anything, and let’s be real, she’s way too dull for that show. She spent the entire last season crying about her marriage. Stay with him, leave him, shoot him, dammit Gina, I do not care. We do know now that Matt is allegedly abusive and was arrested for domestic violence right after season 14 filming ended, which I do feel horrible about. But I still don’t think I should have to watch her on TV. Also, she recently got a DUI. Is she trying to audition for Celeste on Big Little Lies? Get. It. Together. She’s only been on the show a few seasons, but honestly, she doesn’t look like EITHER of these pictures IRL. She did kind of go from 30-something with a lot of makeup on to aging evil stepmother, though?

Emily Simpson

Emily is another one that I audibly groaned when she was announced back on the season 14 roster. She is just so boring. In sorority recruitment, we’d call her “vanilla”. Meaning, she’s nice but there is literally nothing else you can say about her. There was no room for vanilla in my sorority, and there should be no room for vanilla on my reality TV. Since she was only added last year, there isn’t a major difference to her face, except her cheeks look puffier this year, which could be from fillers. When people start getting cheeks that look like full circles, I get suspicious.

Honorable Mention: Vicki F*cking Gunvalson

Image result for rhoc season 1 vicki

Image result for rhoc season 14 vicki

Although Vicki was demoted this year, I refuse to accept it and I’m including her anyway. Also, she has had SO MANY FACES, which she openly admits to. Vicki started season 1 as this super religious parent and it took quite a few years before we discovered that Vicki really cheated on her husband a bunch (hey, he cheated too!), and lived a crazy, secret life. It was awesome TV. This woman has brought us so much insane drama, I can’t believe having her around is even questioned. I do have to say, even with three new faces, Vicki looks good this year. Remember that one season where her hair was a mess and she was sweaty literally every episode of the entire season? She said she thought she could do her own hair, and turns out, no she cannot (#relatable). She’s at least improved upon that. Let’s hope she’s invited back into her RIGHTFUL PLACE for next year!

Images: Giphy; Bravo (12)

10 Times Vicki Gunvalson Tried To Show Emotion But The Botox Wouldn’t Let Her

If you’re even remotely a fan of the Bravo Cinematic Universe, you really should know about the woman, the myth, the legend: Vicki Gunvalson. Vicki has stood strong on The Real Housewives of Orange County for all 12 seasons, a feat that is truly astounding. Most women who become Real Housewives can’t take it for more than a few seasons, so the fact that Vicki has done this shit for over a decade is just nuts. Today is Queen Vicki Gunvalson’s 56th birthday, so it’s only fair that we send a little love to the housewife who started it all.

Let’s start by going through some of Vicki’s taglines. 12 is a lot, so it’s understandable that they can’t all be the best, but some of Vicki’s choices really don’t make sense. Take, for example, season four: “I want the power and the money, and I want them both.” Oh Vicki, that is so redundant. My personal favorite Vicki tagline is season one’s classic “Are the police involved?,” but season 10’s “”I am the OG of the O.C.; everyone else is just a copy.”” really came close. I’ve never figured out if these women come up with their own taglines, but wow they really are the best.

Now, let’s take a look at some of Vicki Gunvalson’s best Housewives moments from the past 12 seasons, in the form of gifs that you will definitely need to use on a daily basis.

Vicki is super mad, can’t you tell from the deep emotions on her face? Sometimes the fresh botox makes it hard to show emotion, but that’s probably for the best. I’m mad basically 24/7, but like Vicki, I know when I should hide my feelings.

We all have that one friend who loves to act like she’s the fucking queen of the world, and it’s important to put these people in their place. Vicki is not afraid to be #thatbitch, which is probably why Andy Cohen and his team of producers have kept her around for so long. You’re not Madonna, sit the fuck down sweetie.

This gif is basically just me talking to myself after a Friday night where some poor choices were made. This is the maximum display of rage permitted by the botox, and you can really feel the venom in Vicki’s words. I am disgusting, and I truly own it. I’m trash, you’re trash, we’re all trash. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Again, Vicki is the one that’s giving a much-needed voice to my inner monologue. As a self-destructive sociopath with very few emotions, you can find me at your local party making decisions that will definitely result in the loss of friends. Either that, or I just stay in bed and let all my friends forget I exist.

Vicki isn’t doing so hot on the rafting trip, and honestly same. I’m not sure why the producers constantly force the housewives to go on these outdoorsy trips when it’s clearly the last thing on the planet they want to do, but I feel for them. This gif is literally me any time I have to put on pants/leave my apartment/interact with others.

Vicki loooooves to talk about how she’s a businesswoman who makes her own money and her own rules, and I definitely respect her for that. I relate to this, in that I am very protective over my shit. Like, when you have a pack of gum and someone just assumes that they can take a piece. Back the fuck off, I’m calling the police.

This is the perfect reaction whenever you and your friends are at the bar and a notorious fuckboy shows up. In certain situations, there’s just no positive outcome, so the best thing to do is just cut your losses and go home. I’m not sure what Vicki was referencing in this particular gif, but again, the lack of emotion on her face is just astounding.

This is my response when someone is talking to me about something I don’t give a shit about, but that’s not all. This is also appropriate for when that one weird dude from high school keeps following and unfollowing you on Instagram, just in the hopes that you’ll follow back and slide into his DMs. Absolutely fucking not, honey.

Same Vicki, same.

Me, constantly, when I think about all of the responsibilities I have neglected, and will continue to neglect. Happy birthday, Vicki Gunvalson, and please never stop giving us these incredible moments. You’re truly the rock of Orange County, and we’d be nowhere without you.

Images: Giphy (10)

Shannon Beador Hands Down Won The ‘RHOC’ Reunion

I’m just gonna come out and say it. This season of Real Housewives of Orange County has blown balls (but not Lydia’s husband’s, though, because he “got them chopped off.” Just ask her or watch like, 4 minutes of an episode). I can’t care anymore about whether or not Vicki and Tamra will make up or whether or not Peggy is going to understand anything anyone is saying or whether or not Lydia is going to pray over someone. I just can’t. The highlight of the season was Shannon not being able to disengage from her Peloton which was hysterical but not exactly what I expect to top the list of moments on Real Housewives. So thankfully, right in time for Thanksgiving I might add, the reunion started last night. I mean, if Andy Cohen asking shady af questions to overdressed women on couches rehashing all the shit they talked about each other doesn’t top your list of things to be grateful for, I don’t know what does. Fuck the mashed potatoes. You have some soul searching to do. And to celebrate the genius that is these reunions, we’re ranking the ‘wives by the one who sucked the most last night to the one that sucked the least. Let’s get to it.

7. Peggy Sulahian

Peggy just sat there. Tbh, I don’t remember her saying a word other than the awkward “Hi, Andy” at the beginning. This is your first (and probs last) reunion, Peggy. Fucking say something.

Peggy SUlahain

6. Lydia McLaughlin

Could this girl be more annoying? She’s like the Taylor Swift of Bravo. Constantly being a petty brat and talking shit about people, but always claiming to be the nice girl victim. Fucking vom. From her defending calling Shannon a psychopath because it was “to her face” to her not being able to be around drag queens because there isn’t a verse about them in the Bible (wtf?), it’s gonna be a hard pass on Lydia from me. Also, the whole “game friggin’ on” line she threw at Meghan in an attempt to be a badass was an epic fail.

Lydia McLaughlin

5. Vicki Gunvalson

Even though she looked like a total asshole all season long, Vicki was able to somewhat redeem herself by actually apologizing to Shannon for telling the world her husband beat her. But like, this is a reunion, not an episode of Barney & Friends. Where tf are the slanderous allegations and inaudible screaming? You’re the OG of the OC. Give the people what they want.

Vicki Gunvalson

4. Kelly Dodd

I wish there was an award for most improved Housewife, because Kelly Dodd would win. I mean, last season Kelly was good for TV and all, but she was a fucking head case. You can’t call someone a cunt at the dinner table. You just can’t. But all that said, come reunion time I missed old Kelly. I need drama. I need name-calling. I need the outing of secrets we were never supposed to know, but now we know because you’re pissed someone was mean to you on the bus in Ireland. She talked about her divorce, and I’m super pumped to see single Kelly next season, but I just expected more from the resident BSCB housewife.

Kelly Dodd

3. Meghan King Edmonds

Meghan takes a spot in the top three, because she’s the only one who remembered that this is a fucking Bravo reunion and not a time to bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles that everyone can eat and be happy. She came to play. Did she totally start a fight with Lydia about not liking psychics out of nowhere for no reason? She sure did. And guess what? I’m fucking here for it. Because this is the Real Housewives of Orange County. Fucking argue about something insignificant and stop crying.

Meghan King Edmonds

2. Tamra Judge

First things first. Tamra looks fucking hot. How is she 50? Who is her plastic surgeon? If I exercise, will I look like her in 25 years? Tamra, please DM me the answers to these questions. Thanks. Tamra’s biggest moment of reunion was talking about the state of things with her daughter, which apparently isn’t going so well. It actually made me feel real feelings, which was weird, but I was also finishing my fourth glass of wine at that point so maybe that explains it. Even though her main segment was depressing af she gets a high ranking for a) looking awesome and b) calling Shannon out for being a buzzkill all season long. That’s what real friends do, people.

Tamra Judge

Also, for the record. This ^ is what reunions are supposed to look like.

1. Shannon Beador

Shannon was clearly the star of last night’s reunion because it’s the first time she publicly spoke about her divorce from David, and most of the women didn’t know, so it was a bombshell. Was it a little teary/sad for my personal taste? Yes. But she did exactly what she needed to do. She took total responsibility for everything bad she did all season but managed to blame it on her crumbling marriage with her shitty fuckboy husband. Now, not only did she get the sympathy of America, she also put herself in a position where none of the women can come for her without looking like total assholes who are picking on the sad fat girl. We played, my friend. She also gets bonus points for losing 25 pounds in time for the reunion. Mazel!

Shannon Beador

Read: A Definitive Ranking Of The Real Housewives Of Orange County
 
Meghan King Edmonds Wants Vicki Gunvalson Fired From ‘RHOC’

A couple weeks ago, we broke the earth shattering news that Vicki Gunvalson, the OG from the OC, was reportedly getting fired from Real Housewives of Orange County because 1) she’s not friends with anyone on the show anymore, and it’s weird just watching her be alone in her kitchen, and 2) she pitched a fit about not sitting next to Andy at a WWHL taping, and the peeps at Bravo weren’t fucking having it. Lol, it’s the little things, people. Well, there hasn’t been an official announcement yet, and don’t expect one, because the season isn’t over, and Bravo doesn’t make cast change announcements until after the last reunion has aired. The rules of housewife firing are simple and finite; every Bravo girl would know. But we have something better than a boring PC official statement. Meghan King Edmonds, Vicki’s fellow OC wife, has come out saying she hopes Vicki actually gets fired. Oh fuck, shit’s about to get serious.

Zoolander Walk Off

In a recent interview, Meghan was talking the standard housewife shit about Vicki and said how Vicki never liked her and was always “nasty” to her from the get-go, yada yada yada. But then, in a petty af turn, said, ‘‘’You’re out!’ If only I could say that… ‘Vicki, you are out. Bye! No more lies. See ya!’” Was she joking? I mean, probs. But most of the time when I joke around, I actually fucking mean it. Or else I wouldn’t have thought it in the first place. Obviously.

Housewives You Should Know

Normally, this kind of thing would just die down, maybe get a salty response from Vicki on Radar Online, nothing maj. But Vicki and Meghan have been subtweeting the shit out of each other—actually, scratch that. They’re mentioning each other by name, so they’re full-out beefing on Twitter.

Meghan King Edmonds And Vicki Gunvalson

Meghan King Edmonds and Vicki Gunvalson

Now things might actually get interesting, because they’re filming the reunion today. Something I’m truly thrilled about, just FYI. And you can bet your betchy ass that Andy will bring this shit up to try and stir the pot to create some form of drama on this otherwise boring af season. Get the popcorn and rosé ready.

Thriller MJ

Read: Vicki Gunvalson Is Reportedly Getting Fired From ‘RHOC’
 
Images: Bravo; Vicki Gunvalson / Twitter; Giphy (3)
One Of The OG Real Housewives Is Reportedly Getting The Axe

If you’re anything like me, you watch every franchise of Real Housewives, no questions asked. I mean, I’ve even gotten into Dallas this year, and that’s really saying something. Part of being a ride-or-die Bravo fanatic means sticking through the rough times aka shit like Potomac and the boring seasons. Case in point: Real Housewives of Orange County this season. It’s like, really bad. Peggy Sulahian is the worst new wife addition since Cindy Barshop (I can hear all of y’all saying “who?” from here). Lydia and all her Jesus shit is annoying af. Not to mention Heather Dubrow is gone, which, no, I’m not over yet. Don’t know if I ever will be. Fucking sue me.

And you know what a bad season equals? Cast shake-up. Fucking duh. It’s easy enough to assume both Peggy and Lydia will be on the chopping block, but could anyone else be gone? Shannon and Tamra are the only two that are actually friends. Kelly is a terrible human, but she makes for good TV. And I’m not personally a fan of Vicki, but she’s the OG from the OC. They couldn’t fire her, could they? Actually, yes they could, because sources say Vicki is dunzo and being demoted to “friend of the housewives” after this season.

Way Harsh Tai

Apparently, she pre-taped an episode of WWHL last week and was a complete BSCB because she wasn’t sitting next to Andy. Lol, same tbh. Pair that with the fact that she’s barely even friends with anyone on RHOC and it was enough for Bravo to be like “nah fam, you’re out.” So what does this mean? Will she beg Andy to give her another chance? Will she convince Briana to audition so she can weasel her way back in? Will Bravo finally come back to their senses and bring back Heather? Here’s hoping it’s that, because this show needs a queen betch ASAP.