Quarantine = people cooped up with family members and roommates. This means less privacy, which can obviously screw up any solid masturbation routine. Enter: whisper-quiet sex toys! That no one will ever hear you using! And no, we’re not talking about your hands (which are equally as great, TBH).
I asked a bunch of sexperts for their favorite super quiet, borderline silent sex toys that are safe to use no matter where you live, who you’re living with, and where you’re using them, and here’s what they said. I also dropped a few of my personal favorites below because I basically test sex toys for a living. So whether you’re in bed, in the shower, or in the room next to your parents, go grab one of these toys and enjoy a secret solo masturbation sesh.
1. SKYN Thrill
Once upon a time in high school, I was made fun of for having a lipstick vibrator in my bag. Now, I write about sex on the internet. Anyway, SKYN’s Thrill bullet vibe is designed as a travel-sized tube of lipstick, so it’s super discreet, unlike how I bragged about my top-secret vibrator to my friends back in the day. This “makeup” has three speeds (which are all quiet), is waterproof, and is even gold plated. Masturbate in private like an undercover boss.
Surprise! Lube is a sex toy—an awesome and silent one, too. “Lubricant is an amazing way to enhance any sexual experience, but if you’re looking for something extra to spice up your solo play, you can experiment with warming lube,” says Gabi Levi, a sex and relationship expert who runs an erotica site called Shag Story. “Using your hands to pleasure yourself with heated lube is a quiet, fun, and unique way to have fun masturbating.” I’ve tried it before and can confirm it’s both fun and very intense.
Gather round, kinkier friends. This one’s for you. It’s basically a supercharged pinwheel, and it’s amazing. “This toy is a unique option on the list because it’s usually for couples who like to engage in BDSM play. But, as I like to say, there are no rules when it comes to masturbation, and it’s an awesome toy to play with alone for those of us who like it a little rough and enjoy a bit of pain with our pleasure,” says Levi. She recommends using this spiked wheel to ~tickle, tantalize, and tease~ yourself. “Press deeper for a more intense sensation as you roll it silently around your curves.”
4 & 5. Hot Octopuss Amo and Digit
First off, let’s appreciate the name “Hot Octopuss.” Now, let’s talk about their super quiet toys. “Both the Hot Octopuss Amo and Digit are small but powerful finger vibrators that give you all the rumbly sensation you crave without the excessive noise of bigger vibrators,” explains Kayla Lords, sexpert at toy shop JackandJillAdult.com. So whether you’re into quiet finger vibes or sneaky bullet vibes, Hot Octopuss has got ya covered.
6. LELO MONA™ 2
This toy testimonial from Kate W., co-founder of Pleasure Better (a site aimed at helping people embrace and enjoy their sexuality), is flawless, so I’m just gonna drop it here and let her educate you. “I prefer vibrating toys as my go-to playmate for solo fun so it’s important that they’re whisper quiet. My absolute favorite is the Lelo Mona 2. I’ve used it camping with other unsuspecting campers nearby. I’ve even used it to orgasm in bed next to my husband without him waking. It’s also waterproof for solo shower fun!” Relationship and camping goals.
Dead quiet? Yes, the words “silencer” and “whisper quiet” are literally in its name. Affordable? Check. Do you need it during quarantine? Totally. “If you’re really trying to be ‘whisper quiet’ then you want to get a vibrator that is made to be quiet,” says Levi. “Nobody will hear you using this vibrator, even if you’re sharing a wall. It’s also 7-inches long, which is arguably the perfect size for an insertable sex toy.” But remember, friends. It’s more about the motion of the ocean, if you catch my drift.
“The Le Wand Chrome vibe is powerful, rumbly, and remarkably quiet,” says Searah Deysach, longtime sex educator and owner of toy shop Early to Bed. “Because it’s waterproof, it also makes an excellent choice for using in the bath or shower.” Now you have no excuse not to masturbate. You can use this toy in the shower OR in your bed—the only two places you’re frequenting lately.
9. Crave Vesper
“The Crave Vesper is a necklace with a secret so you can use it almost anywhere,” says Deysach. “Nearly silent, it looks great on neck and feels awesome on your body!” Rock it around the house then let it rock your V (sorry, had to). Then wear it in public when we’re finally allowed out again.
When I was living with my parents, this was one of my regular go-to sex toys. It’s really strong but equally quiet, which is exactly what ya girl needed back then. “With a rumbly, whisper-quiet motor, this special toy sneaks up on you, making you melt and ask for more,” adds Megwyn White, somatic sex educator and director of education at pleasure product brand Satisfyer. #truth
The Womanizer is super silent…well, as close to silent as you can get, obviously. If you love clitoral stimulation and you need to get off ASAP, use no other toy than this one. This specific Womanizer is a collab between the pleasure pros at Lovehoney and Womanizer, so you know it’s gotta be good…or you can just take our word for it. (It’s good. Trust us.)
Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link and purchase a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.
Images: Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels; SKYN; K-Y; Unbound; Hot Octopuss; Jack and Jill; Lelo; Lovehoney (2); Early to Bed (2); Satisfyer
If you’re anything like me, you probably think of sex toys as something to be used in the privacy of your own home, either alone or with your partner. But that’s beginning to change as high-tech start-ups reconceptualize the way we think about sex toys, especially when these companies are run by women. One notable manifestation of this trend are sex toys that double as wearable accessories. With these, gone are the days where your only option for a vibrator was a veiny phallus molded from the dong of a washed-up porn star (though if that’s your thing, do you). Read on for a list of sex toys you can take with you anywhere.
1. Secrets 5 Function Remote Control Vibrating Black Lace Thong
While it may look like your typical lace thong, this baby has a hidden pocket that fits a mini vibrator. What’s more, it’s also remote control operable up to a range of 10 meters, so you can cede control to someone else if that’s your kink. According to the product description, “you won’t have to choose between turning up to work or climaxing, popping to the post office or climaxing, or going to a wedding or climaxing.” The wedding example is a bit of a weird flex, but these undies could come in handy for one of those work meetings that could have been an email.
2. Amelia Nipple Clamp Chandelier Earrings
These earrings are not necessarily for the faint of nip heart. Though they may look like your typical architectural jewelry, they’re modeled after the alligator nipple clamp, a staple in the BDSM world. The great thing about clamps is that they can be adjusted to suit your tolerance, whether it’s a simple desire to increase sensation or to heighten pleasure with some pain. Considering that the nipples are a major erogenous zone for many people, these earrings are a creative option that will both get you off and completely fool your more vanilla co-workers.
3. Crave Vesper Vibrator Necklace
If you’re toying (see what I did there?) with the idea of purchasing a wearable sex toy, this is the one I would start with. The Vesper necklace is perhaps the most well-known and popular wearable sex toy on this list, and it’s easy to see why. Its sleek design and three power settings make it both a beautiful piece of jewelry and a powerful vibrator. And there’s just something indulgent about wearing a literal vibrator out in the open: as one reviewer put it, “It’s like wearing a secret around my neck and in public!”
4. Cleo Bangle Handcuffs
If the nipple clamps weren’t for you but you’re game for some light BDSM, these bangles are a great option. They’re dainty, yellow gold and engraved, making for a beautiful pair of bracelets on their own. But after a long day of enduring passive-aggressive emails from Karen in Accounting, you can meet up with your partner outside of the office (or in the office if you’re having an affair with a coworker, I don’t know your life) and use these “surprisingly strong” handcuffs for a little bit of fun.
5. Palma Vibrator Ring
Rounding out the list is a ring with 5-star reviews that doubles as a vibrator. What appears on the surface as a chic cocktail ring is actually a multispeed waterproof vibrator with customizable modes that let you control the vibrations with your own hand movements. Although it may seem small, reviewers agree that this sucker “packs a punch.” I guess my ex was right and size doesn’t really matter after all.
The growing prominence of wearable sex toys on the market is exciting. By allowing people, especially women, to literally wear their sexuality on their sleeve (or neck, or ear, or finger), wearable sex toys subverts the societal notion that sex is something shameful that needs to be kept hidden. That’s a vibe (OK, I’ll stop) that we can all get into.
Images: Marvin Meyer / Unsplash; Giphy (1)
Happy National Masturbation Month, betches! We’re all about men being replaced by machines these days, because who wants a guy that brags about his d*ck size during your first conversation, or even worse, asks for nudes even though you’ve never even hung out? You’re 31 years old, Logan. Get your sh*t together. So of course, masturbation doesn’t just deserve a day or a Seinfeld episode about it—it deserves a whole month! Above all, the most important thing in life is to love yourself, and what better way to do it than rubbing one out? As someone who has been a member of the Good Vibe Tribe to the point where I’m on a first-name basis with the fine employees of the Pleasure Chest (at both NYC locations), follow me as I give you a rundown on the crème de la cum of the best vibrators out there.
LELO SONA Cruise
If I could, I would write my Lelo Sona Cruise 365 letters, every day for a year. Unfortunately, my vibrator reads as much as our president (i.e. not at all). But I could still get romantic with my Lelo Sona Cruise in the rain à la Noah and Allie because it’s waterproof. (Wow, I make more references about my relationship with a toy to The Notebook than I ever had with my boyfriends). The fact that you can take it to the shower or bath isn’t its number one benefit, although in the words of Kathryn Dennis, “It’s waterproof, so it goes where I go.” I wholeheartedly believe that this is the toy that every girl needs. It borderline gives you oral sex. Even when you’re not in the mood, you can just reach for it if you’re bored or wanna take a nap without taking an Ambien and it’ll leave you satisfied, smiling, and a little bit sleepy.
Vesper Vibrator Necklace
Why get a boyfriend who buys you jewelry every time he f*cks up when you can just get a piece of jewelry that doubles as a vibrator? No drama, no stress, all while looking chic and…you know…satisfied. The Vesper is a necklace that you can wear out in public, and it looks surprisingly stylish for an accessory that spends a lot of time in your nether regions. It comes in silver, rose gold, and gold. It heats up and the little guy is small but mighty, so you’re guaranteed to get off. Plus, it has the Gwyneth Paltrow stamp of approval, but it’s the kind of stamp of approval that isn’t debunked by NASA or medical professionals. It’s the stamp of approval that means it’s totally worth it and you can not-so-humbly brag about it.
Svakom Siime Selfie Stick
There is nothing less sexy than hearing the phrase “mutual masturbation.” Is there a word for cottonmouth from when you take Adderall, but it happens to your vagina? Cottonvagina? That’s literally what happens to me when I hear that term. Anyway, this selfie stick for your vag makes *gulp* mutual masturbation *gags* a lot hotter for both parties. Sending nudes can kind of be the worst. I only take mine when I’m morning skinny or my friends and I just exchange each others’ nudes and guys are none the wiser that we’re sending nudes of other people. God, we’re weird. Anyway, this selfie camera-turned-vibrator goes IN your vagina and your partner can get a load of what’s going on inside of you when you orgasm. Think of it as a porn parody of Osmosis Jones.
GLUVR Finger Vibrator
This lil guy slips on to your pointer finger and your thumb so that you can stimulate your G-spot and your clit at the same time. It takes the old school version of what feels like spinning the turntables to a whole different level. Yes, ladies, finger-banging is not just for 9th graders who try to take it to the next level after dry humping to John Mayer. I’ve always been a strong believer that rule number one for guys when finger-banging a girl is USE. YOUR. TONGUE. That’s it. But here, I make the exception because it’s doesn’t involve Jack Sparrow rifling through your treasure chest to find your cursed pink pearl. This actually feels good because a) it vibrates and b) it stimulates the two main erogenous zones without having to do some major finger yoga to get yourself off.
The Heart-Curve Chakrub
I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve heard nothing but good things about healing crystals. It’s just that Spencer Pratt gave them a bad name because he’s Spencer Pratt. My friends who aren’t even that into hippy dippy, New Age-y stuff swear by healing crystals. Rose quartz activates your heart chakra, which is the chakra that is connection with love and affection. By bringing your awareness to your fourth chakra through your second chakra (aka the chakra that’s situated in your hoo-hah), this rose quartz dildo will not only get you off, but it gives you a spiritual experiences that opens your heart, mind, and vagina. For more information on crystal healing, definitely check out Well+Good or Goop. Or, if you don’t get around to reading until four months from now, check out Poosh!
huge if true pic.twitter.com/jSXCepYKkf
— big guy (@_bean_tv) April 30, 2019
Lelo Ora 2
No, this article is not sponsored by Lelo. Yes, I am gassing them up so that I can one day be sponsored by Lelo. It’s how most influencers get sponsored by Revolve, so it’s a pretty brilliant strategy. The Sona Cruise is similar to oral sex, but the intention of Oral 2 is that it takes to mimicking oral sex to a whole different level. It has won hella sex toy awards, and I absolutely want to attend one of those award shows. Essentially, this toy has a bead underneath the silicone that has different settings to swirl around your clit, thus simulating oral sex. And the best part is, if you’re having a day where you’re just feeling lazy, there’s no reciprocity to suck your partner’s d*ck if you’re just not in the mood.
Merry Masturbation Month, everybody! And remember:
Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link and purchase a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.
Hey girl, let’s talk about butt stuff! If you’re someone who has never tried anal play but it curious about what it has to offer, then this article is for you! It’s fun to spice things up and try out new things, but it’s also important to make sure you are prepared to embark on that journey. With most sex things, but especially this one, preparedness is key to enjoyment. I’m not a scientist, but if I were, I’d imagine the graph depicting the relationship between these factors would be a straight diagonal line trending upwards. Of course there is the mental preparedness aspect, which should go without saying—don’t do anything you’re not 100% comfortable with. But when you’re talking about anal play, there is a big physical preparedness component as well. So buckle up, because we’re going to talk about how to get yourself ready! It’s going to get a little graphic and weird, so leave now if you are squeamish. All right, we all good here? We ready? Great. Here are five things to consider before diving into butt stuff.
1. Take Things One Step At A Time
Sorry for the graphic imagery here, but your butt can open up a world of pleasure. There’s no need to rush it, though! In fact, you’re going to want to take things slow in order to avoid pain or injury and maximize pleasure. That cute tooshy of yours is sensitive and needs to be treated with care. You will likely want to start with fingers/rimming, then make your way to toys such as butt plugs (work your way up in sizes here too), and then you can graduate to a penis. Who doesn’t love a good penis graduation ceremony?! The point is, your butthole needs to be trained, and skipping ahead to anal immediately will make things go much less smoothly. Take it slow, and your experience will be much more pleasurable.
2. Remember That Lube Is Your Friend
I cannot stress this enough. Lube that baby up! Your butt doesn’t produce natural lube in the way a vagina does, so you just need to hit up Duane Reade or your local sex shop and get some lube. Be aware that there are many different types of lube, and paying attention to this can be important. For example, some sex toys require that you use water-based lube. Lube is also an opportunity to have fun. Shop around and see what you like. The world is your
oyster lube store.
3. You’re Going To Want To Prep And Primp
I don’t know if you knew this, but *checks over shoulders* poop comes out of your butt. Sorry, but that’s just the world we live in! You’re going to want to clean that area thoroughly before you start putting stuff in it. Unless you’re totes cool with things getting messy, in which case…hell yeah, good for you. Personally, I will be in the shower washing the crap out of myself (literally, I guess), but that’s just me!
4. Educate Yourself About Anal Play Toys
There are so many fun and flirty toys you can introduce to your butt, but it’s important to know what you’re working with. Off the top, please note that while anal play toys can be used for vaginal play (after washing!!!), not all vaginal toys can be used for anal play. Plugs are designed for your butt, so they usually have some sort of base, which dildos and vibrators do not. This is to stop your ass from, pardon my French, sucking the toy right up. Buttholes have the power to swallow things in a way that vaginas do not. You do not want to be that person who ends up in the ER because you “fell on your vibrator”. (I have friends in residency; this is apparently very common.) Also, some butt plugs are meant for wearing around outside to stretch out your hole, while others are solely for using in the bedroom. Make sure you know what you’re playing with!
5. Don’t Be Afraid To Ask For Advice
Employees at sex shops are almost always friendly, knowledgable, and eager to help. These people know their sh*t. When shopping around a sex shop, I suggest going right up to an employee and explaining your situation and what you’re looking for. Don’t be embarrassed! I did this and chatted with an employee for a full 20 minutes. She went over what every toy had to offer, explained the safety measures needed when indulging, and made me feel comfortable about my purchase. Without assistance, walking into a sex shop can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re looking to try something new. In order to avoid standing in front of a shelf full of butt plugs while having a panic attack, simply ask for help. These people are the opposite of kink shamers and will make you feel more comfortable.
Anal play can actually be very fun and rewarding, so long as you don’t just go from 0 to 100. With these tips, I hope you can prepare yourself so that you can enjoy the experience to its full extent. No need to thank me!
Images; @charlesdeluvio / Unsplash; Giphy (5)
I had my first orgasm when I was 28, at least a decade later than I would have liked. I was blissfully unaware of orgasms as an adolescent, but when I got to college, suddenly it felt like people were coming left and right. I was like, “Hey guys, wait up!”
When I had my first sexual experiences in college, whenever someone would try to touch my vagina, I would say, “Whoa, why are you trying to kill a good time?” and instinctively shoo them away. I slowly realized that I was not comfortable with anything going anywhere near my vagina. I went to the gynecologist, and it turned out I had something called vaginismus, a condition that causes your vaginal muscles to spasm upon penetration. When she diagnosed me, I thought, “Well, this checks out!”
I eventually treated my vaginismus using vaginal dilators, which are like a set of Russian dolls for your vagina, except they are neither cute nor fun, but I still had a long way to go before having an orgasm. I had yet to even locate my own clitoris. Finally, a man put a finger on it, and I shouted, “that’s something!” but it was so ticklish and intense that I would be flailing all over the bed like a balloon man at a car dealership. I then decided to try masturbating, and at the age of 25, I turned on porn for the first time. Though what I would do is watch it, get really aroused, and not touch myself, letting the feeling pass. I still had so much discomfort with my body that I had yet to unpack.
Eventually, I was starting to get really frustrated so I began a serious “take-action” phase. I wanted to come, and I became increasingly pissed that I hadn’t. I was ready to drop some serious dollars to experience this abstract, apparently transcendent sensation. As the saying goes, “There’s no such thing as a free orgasm.” I’m here to confirm that: coming ended up costing me nearly $2,000. I present to you: an itemized receipt for my first orgasm.
Rocket Vibe ($35)
Pocket Rocket Vibrator
I’m 22, still not super concerned that I haven’t come yet. At this point, the solution seems as simple as buying a vibrator, any vibrator. I go to Good Vibrations in Boston with some friends, giggle a lot, and buy a vibrator that looks sleek and modern because aesthetics are important to me. My friend says, confidently, “You’ll come with this.” I go home, excited to have my first orgasm. I’m about to cross over to the other side! But, no orgasm. Like, not even close.
Jimmyjane Form 2 Rechargeable Vibrator
I’m 24, in a relationship, and starting to get frustrated. I storm back into Good Vibrations, grab one off the shelf that a different friend swears by (“YOU NEED THE JIMMYJANE”), and buy it without hesitation. Also, apparently a $149 purchase earns you three frequent buyer cards worth of stamps, which took the cashier 5 minutes to fill out. I take it home and… wow! I feel a lot of sensations! But they are not an orgasm!
8 Sessions With A Sex Therapist ($160*)
I’m 25 and extremely frustrated. I decide to start seeing a sex therapist, thinking she would put me on the how-to-orgasm fast track. Instead, she wants to unpack my fantasies, which I really didn’t want to share. She helped me realize that I had a lot of shame about my fantasies because they didn’t feel feminist to me. Turns out being a feminist submissive can be a real mindf*ck. Still no orgasm, but I learned that the problem was with both my body and mind. Score!
*It would have been more expensive, but I was still on my parents’ insurance
Writing A Comedy Show About It ($1,273*)
I’m 28, desperate, and there’s only one thing left to do. Say it with me: write a comedy show. I wrote all of my frustration into a show called Molly Brenner Is Not Coming. I think part of me believed that writing the show would help me come. If I put my struggle out into the world, I MUST come, right? I never read The Secret, but I think that’s the idea. Well, I didn’t come. But as I began performing the show, it got me talking to a lot more women about how I hadn’t come, and…
LELO Mona 2 ($169)
LELO Mona 2
One audience member confidently declared, “You need a new vibrator!” So, living in New York now, still 28, and being extremely trusting of people’s advice, I march into the gift shop at the Museum of Sex, corner an employee and say, “I’ve never come. Fix me.” They pick up a long blue vibrator that makes a “come hither” motion and say, “This makes me come buckets.” I try it, convinced this is the one. I mean, I can’t believe I haven’t tried an internal vibrator yet! I’m such an idiot! I use it and… no buckets. Not even a droplet.
Weed Mint And My Hand ($0)
I’m an older, wiser 28, and I remember something that a different audience member had suggested: weed. Ever heard of it? I’ve never liked smoking weed, but then I tried, well, sucking weed. I was offered something called a “weed mint.” I wasn’t planning to masturbate that night, but apparently weed mints make me really horny. So, I started masturbating, not really expecting anything, but out of nowhere, a feeling I’d never felt before came over my body. It felt like an electric current emanating from my clitoris. I thought, “Oh my God! This is it! I’m having an orgasm!
In total, I spent $1,786 on my first orgasm. Was it a worthwhile investment? Yes and no. On one hand, it makes me really angry that coming was just so hard—and expensive. I know that not everyone is able to spend that much on coming, and I hope no one else does. On the other hand, I believe that every step along the way was part of my orgasm fairytale. If I hadn’t reached the peak of frustration, I wouldn’t have written my show, then I wouldn’t have talked to the woman who told me to try weed, and then I wouldn’t have accepted the weed mint when it was offered to me. A traditional fairytale.
Funds have fully vested and amortization is on schedule. Unrelated, but I know nothing about finance. Who cares, though, because now I perform a show called I’m Coming—and this one has a happy ending.
Molly Brenner is a comedian who has performed at UCB, the PIT, Q.E.D., and other venues. Her show, I’m Coming, runs February 21-24 at the Tank Theater in NYC. Tickets and info available here.
Images: Giphy (3); Good Vibes (2); LELO; Molly Brenner
Paddling the pink canoe, hitchhiking south, feelin’ yourself… whatever you call it, we’re here to tell you that masturbation is an essential part of your self-care routine—and way more fun than a bath bomb or a yoga class (unless it’s goat yoga, obvs). Like sex, there’s always room for improvement. Whether that’s adding a toy, switching up your technique, or just making more time for masturbating. Here are 7 solo sex tips to super-charge your solo play.
1. Use Lube
Squeeze a small dollop of water-based lube onto your index and middle fingers, and use them to lightly massage your inner labia and clitoris. If you tend to get wet easily, you might not need the slippery stuff for this. But when it comes to insertable sex toys, we’re telling you—wetter is always better.
2. Explore Your Body
It’s easy to head straight for the most obvious erogenous zones, but incorporating other parts of your body can add a whole new level of intensity to the experience. Stroke and squeeze your nipples, caress your thighs and stomach, run your fingers through your hair… basically whatever feels good at that moment. You might discover a sweet spot you never knew you had.
3. Take Your Time
Masturbation can feel a little functional sometimes (anyone else do it when they can’t sleep?). We get it. Some days all you want is a speedy release, especially if you’re busy and all you can think about is… getting busy. (Sorry, had to.) Long, drawn-out solo sessions can be amazing, though, especially if you’re into being teased. Try lightly stroking everywhere except for the places you want to touch most—until you can no longer stand it. Or try “edging”, which means masturbating and stopping each time you’re about to come. Do this again and again, building arousal and anticipation until you can’t wait any longer. When you finally give in, it’s gonna be totally worth it.
4. Change Your Technique
Your tried-and-tested technique might mean an orgasm is a dead certainty, but what about if you had a whole heap of self-pleasure tactics in the bag? Always rub your clit in a circular motion? Try tapping it instead. Do you usually lie on your back? Try grinding against a pillow on your front. Learning to appreciate varying levels of pressure and different speeds also means that when you’re with someone else you won’t be waiting for them to touch you in a certain way—you’ll just enjoy the ride.
5. Get A Sex Toy
Kudos if you already have a rabbit vibe burrowed in your bedroom drawer or a bullet vibe that’s barely ever out of charge. If you don’t, it’s time to add some motorized fun to me-time. Buying yourself a toy is an empowering act of self-love. Plus, there are hundreds of thousands of options to choose from. A word of warning, though—while reaching for your rumbliest vibe might be a speedy route to the Big O, it’s easy to become reliant on your favorite setting to get you off. Try banning toys from the bedroom every now and then to get back in touch with your body.
6. Play With Temperature
Speaking of toys, this one is a game changer. Stimulation through heat or cold gives the body a rush of sensations that are translated into arousal. Dip your temperature-responsive glass or metal dildo in ice water or warm it before you use it (always test it on your arm to avoid hurting yourself). Some lubes and balms offer the same sensations. Try a tingly, peppermint oil-infused orgasm balm like Lovehoney Bliss Orgasm Balm, or smooth Sensuva Ice Cube Flavored Cooling Nipple Balm over your nipples for an almost-instant cooling effect.
7. Do It Together
Mutual masturbation with a partner—where you pleasure yourselves but don’t touch each other—can be seriously hot. There’s something erotic about seeing someone you’re into lose control. It’s also a great way for you to see how each other’s bodies respond to different types of touch. For lots of people, showing someone what usually happens in private can feel incredibly intimate, and even a little scary at first. But, getting out of your comfort zone and sharing such an intimate act can boost your confidence and make you feel like a straight-up sex goddess.
For more sex-positive tips and tricks, plus a foreword from Killer and a Sweet Thang’s Eileen Kelly, download Lovehoney’s free, fully interactive e-book, UNI:SEX.
So I’m a normal human being, which means I love having orgasms. But finding decent men to fuck has forever been an endeavor. For years I’ve lowered my standards and did the nasty with guys who lacked personality, wore salmon colored pants, or even liked Coldplay, all because I thought my number was too low (now it’s definitely not).
Recently I was like, STFU Carly—my name’s Carly—you don’t like going home with strangers and you actually hate when the morning sun reveals things on his nightstand you can’t unsee (a utility sized ketchup bottle, VHS porno, ticket stubs to Coldplay). So I stopped lowering my standards at dive bars that wreaked of low self-esteem and fuckboys, and started staying in. I’ve never been one to take matters into my own hands (or fingers, rather)—I’m an old fashioned rub-my-clit-on-a-pillow kind of betch. But I decided to go on my own sex journey and fill my vagina with electronics. It is the digital age, after all.
I started with a vibrator I actually owned. Something I bought on a “me” day but never used. I grabbed B Swish Bwild Classic Vibrator out of my receipt drawer. Yes, I keep my receipts because I’m a grown-ass woman who’s scared of the government. I bought it in pink because I’m a fucking princess. It’s smooth and slutty, it’s cheap—just like me.
Admittedly what caught my attention first was the price. I didn’t know if I would ever actually use it but, at around $36 (or like, two green juices) the risk seemed worth the reward. The reward being a sweet orgasm by myself where I can take one night off from touching, smelling, and licking a dick. It’s not called a blow job for nothing. I need two weeks vacay.
My vagina is actually extremely sensitive to the cold, so I wrapped it in a blanket to warm it up. Did I want to hump this blanket? Sure. But I resisted. I don’t always need to masturbate as if there was a power outage. It was time to put something that resembled an electric toothbrush in me.
At first I was like “am I doing this right?” But it took about as long as Zayn’s solo career to understand why this is a thing. It felt goooooood and I wasn’t preoccupied by how much I would regret this in the morning. I take a long time to really imagine an entire fantasy, so thank god for the five fucking fantastic vibration settings. Not one second of boredom.
Batteries are included and with a total use time of three hours, I immediately cancelled drinks that night. It was hard to skip the vodka, but I wanted to be filled with something else (I already own a shit ton of vodka, anyway). Oh yeah, the Bwild is waterproof, which is perfect because I love long showers. And also sometimes cry when I orgasm.
I feel like I made a friend. As I write this, my Bwild is on the couch next to me begging me to play. Actually, um, I should go. I have to wash dishes. Yeah, that’s it. I know we had plans to hang tonight, but I’m gonna have to cancel those.
I give the B Swish Bwild Classic 10 O’s out of 10 O’s.
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Some say maturity is measured by the copious amounts of subtweets blasted on social media about some fucktard, or the continuing decision to chase your birth control with Fireball. What some don’t know is that maturity is actually measured by the futile attempt of not cracking a faint giggle as the sex store saleslady gives you a detailed lecture on how to properly insert a vibrating C-ring onto his bulging erection (lol she said “erection”). Needless to say, my first time purchasing a sex toy was eye-opening.
If you’re already a self-described sex toy aficionado, kudos—you’ve prob faked your way through one too many orgasms in your life while attempting to cover it up with some “let’s get more adventurous” bullshit. But if you’re not so savvy in the whole grown-up toys department, you’re obvs curious. K, so forget what I said—sex toys are great. They’re like that excuse of a best guy friend you secretly lust over while convincing your boyfriend he’s “like a brother” to you—in other words, they’re the backup you crave in times of pure desperation. Think about it: Have you ever heard of a woman being let down by her vibrator? We as a society may be sucking down Tide Pods this year, but we’re well past the point of sex toys being a taboo, so consider this like a Dildos for Dummies if you’re thinking about blessing your life with the art of greater satisfaction. Your vagine can thank me later.
You, in a euphoric state of pure orgasmic bliss when you’re done reading this:
This isn’t groundbreaking information, and I fucking realize lube is not a sex “toy”, but the stigma around using lube because you don’t want him to think you’re a “dried up old hag” has been cancelled. Nobody thinks that, and nobody will judge you if you suggest using it, especially while using toys. Using lube is not like, required in the rule book to have a good time, but neither is vodka, and I don’t see you going out dry-as-fuck-sober every weekend. So do yourself a solid and invest in some $10 coconut-flavored (WATER-BASED) lube so you’ll NEVER have to ask yourself “did this fuck seriously just slap his spit onto my clit?”
Wet Kiwi Strawberry Flavored Lube
And also, this:
A woman without a vibrator is like… some metaphor I can’t even think of because it physically pains me to even imagine. Whether you’re regularly scheduling dick appointments or you’re a lone ranger, invest in a fucking vibrator. Like, before you invest in decent health insurance. Vibrators are great for solo seshes or for partner play, because they require little effort for maximum clitoral stimulation and satisfaction and don’t contain a shit ton of fancy features. There’s one battery required for one button containing like, 10 different speeds and double the orgasms. That’s like, some Bill Gates innovative shit.
Pleasurette mini waterproof vibrator
The We-Vibe is also great for couples and the pleasure is literally in the name: we fucking vibe. One end goes inside to hit the G-spot and one resides directly on the clit. It may look like an IUD-type contraption, but the irony here is after being orgasmically blessed into the holy gates of Heaven, you’ll def want his babies. Jk, kinda.
We-Vibe rechargeable couples silicone waterproof massager
Remember in 13 Going on 30, when older bitchy Jenna told her super-hot hockey player bf she wanted to play a game and he thought playing Battleship meant a game of dick, dick, goose, and she def didn’t? Well, with Dirty Dice, you’re both on the same page while playing a game that will 100% end up in sex. You literally have to roll a pair of dice and do what it says #revolutionary. This is perfect for couples who are too
prude shy to whip out actual toys to spruce up their sex life, and the anticipation is sure to heighten your sexual senses, so get rolling.
Dalliance Adult upscale adult sex dice
Congrats! You’re finally thinking about biting the bullet and actually buying the bullet. I’ll be the first to admit, sex stores don’t exactly market their dildos to be friendly and pleasurable pieces of hardware. Like, wtf is with the round table shrine of sacrificial hard-ons upon entrance? And sure, the last thing you want to see when you open your drawer is a veiny triumphant bastard with silicone balls staring you straight in the face, but don’t be fooled by a dildo’s exterior—most of these handheld devices come equipped with vibrating clit stimulators resembling fuzzy animal ears, and even are named after some adorable AF wildlife, like “fluttering rabbit” or “leaping dolphin” or some shit. Plus, it’s like you’re introducing one new friend to another: Rabbit, meet G-Spot.
Adam & Eve wet wabbit vibrator
BEGINNER BONDAGE KIT
If you ever try to tell me you don’t actually have a Fifty Shades fantasy or that you haven’t left the movie theater soaking wet the past two Valentine’s Day weekends, you can politely excuse yourself now. A bondage set is a must-have for beginner sex toy consumers. It’s like the gateway drug that leads to a wonderful world of nipple clamps and butt plugs (shut up, you’re sort of curious). Truthfully, idk how the fuck “introduction” and “S&M” could ever be placed in the same sentence, but it’s apparently a thing. This kit comes with everything you need to amp up the kink: fuzzy cuffs, an eye mask and a faux-leather flogger that allows for any pleasure level from gentle grazing to “whip me harder, Christian!”
Spencer’s intro to S&M kit
This shit may or may not have ruined my childhood because upon first glance, I low-key thought it was a Life Saver. Anyway, I will say that this shit takes practice, but it’s well worth it when used correctly. Cock rings are designed mostly for men to basically rubberhead their peen, restricting blood flow and causing increased pressure, which results in the ultimate O. But then a bunch of fems were all, “what about my pleasure?” so voilà—the vibrating cock ring was born. These are great for when he “forgets” to show your clit some love during sex so you’re not forced to basically masturbate while he’s going full throttle. Like I said, desperate times call for desperate fucking measures.
Adam & Eve big O multi-stage vibrating penis ring