Back when I suggested writing this story to my editor, I was in week three of a sex cleanse. I’ve never been a fan of cleanses because, even though they’re allegedly good for me, they always leave me feeling a little unsatisfied. Honestly, what inspired my sex cleanse is the gorgeous guy I’m seeing, who can be… difficult. Let’s just say he’s definitely given me a few reasons to walk away, but honestly, in my optimistic mind where the KY bottle is always half full, his pros outweigh his cons, which is why I always ended up back in bed with him. The problem? After the sex, like right after, I would be on cloud f*cking nine, but then the next day/week/month would come and we’d speak about as much as two neighbors on the subway do. In other words, we would not speak at all. It felt like I was back in seventh grade when my crush would ignore me…except now it felt a little worse because we aren’t 13 years old, and getting ignored by someone who was just inside you feels pretty sh*tty.
And why feel sh*tty when I could feel like Princess Margaret in the White House? If you don’t get that reference, watch The Crown, like, yesterday, but the important thing to know is that Princess Margaret lived her best life without the lure of multiple orgasms dragging her down, and I decided that’s what I needed to do. So per my sex cleanse, I would stay in and binge The Sopranos instead of venturing out into dangerous territory (aka the Upper East Side), where Monsieur Best-I’ve-Ever-Had lives. I also swore off other sources of both toxic and non-toxic d*ck.
Because I am a loyal member of Domino’s Piece of the Pie Rewards program, cleanses are obviously not really part of my lifestyle, so I was a little fuzzy on the rules, but two things I knew I needed were an expiration date and a goal. For the length of time my cleanse would last, I gave it a month, because I’m a #strongindependentwoman. And as for the goal, I wanted to prove to myself that I’m not as hooked on sex as my tall drink of water would have me believe. And to explain the science behind what I was doing, I asked author of Don’t Sleep with Him Yet clinical psychologist Dr. Nancy F. Lee, PhD to help me out.
I learned a lot from my cleanse and want to share those lessons. First and foremost, practicing willpower and just an ounce of self-control feels really good! Secondly, not doing something that feels really good for a second and really horrible for much longer (like, I don’t know, drugs?) is always a good thing. I mean, sex is cool, but have you ever made a bold decision and it ended up paying off?
“If you find yourself regretting and/or resenting sexual encounters, which both reflect confusion and can be considered detrimental to your emotional wellbeing, by all means, do an all-out sex cleanse,” Lee says. It’s my personal opinion that unless you’re Samantha Jones, it’s impossible to not get even slightly emotionally invested in someone you’re sleeping with—especially if it happens almost on the regular. I’m not saying all women f*ck a dude a once and spend the next day writing their wedding vows, but I have never slept with the same person a few times and not started liking him at least a little bit. That’s where I’m at: I’m sleeping with this person who is annoyingly amazing in bed and I like him. As Shakespeare would say, I’m in a pickle.
In my opinion, the benefits of a sex cleanse are many, but first, you feel at least slightly more in charge of yourself. For me, that’s really important since I usually feel very much at the whim of whoever I’m dating at the time—mostly because I hardly ever click with someone who’s into me, so when I do find myself finally crushing on someone, I can’t help but hold on a little. (By the way, I’m using the term “dating” generously here.) Even though my bed felt a little lonely over the last few weeks, it was nice knowing that I was actually happy about getting a good night’s sleep in lieu of pretending that I’m REM cycling through my bedroom door slamming shut and my entire bed shifting in place when he comes back from the bathroom at 4am. Lee says, “It’s worth doing an all-out sex cleanse until you develop insight and clarity regarding what it is you truly want.”
Most importantly, even if you’re really casual about sex and don’t limit yourself to only sleeping with people who call you their girlfriend (hi, hello), deciding you’re taking a break from something that stresses you out is never a bad thing. Even if you’re just along for the (literal) ride, sex isn’t like playing tennis in that once you’re done, you just carry on with your day and don’t think about it again. So taking a little timeout is perfectly fine and may even be good for you! Lee adds, “If, for whatever reason you and an partner simply want to take a ‘break’ from sleeping together for a while, there’s an exciting way to enjoy a whole new form of ‘sensually focused sex’ that is guaranteed to heat things up!” Like with my favorite vibrator.
Look, no cleanse is meant to last forever, so I ended mine when most people end theirs: when you need to put something of substance back in your body after a long enough time without it. Gross? Sorry, but it’s been a few weeks and all of these puns are just falling into my lap. In all seriousness, the point of a cleanse is to rid yourself (mind and/or body) of anything toxic that came its way, so when you feel like you’re back in a sound place, that’s the right time to end the cleanse. Everyone will go on different cleanses (except juice cleanses because those are a bunch of lies) for different reasons, but all of them will teach you some valuable lessons and that is the damn truth.
Sadly, before this article went to press, yours truly was in serious need of some Vitamin D and broke the cleanse with, you guessed it, the same guy who inspired me to embark on said cleanse in the first place! Ya hate to see it. Generally, when you break your word to yourself, you don’t feel great. If you can’t even rely on yourself to keep it together, who can you rely on? But honestly, I feel better than I did before I went on the cleanse because I am going into this clear-headed as opposed to d*ckmatized.
Even though I am clearly a weak bitch, I did learn a lot from my cleanse and would definitely recommend it to those stronger than myself.
Images: Giphy (2); Unsplash
If you’re anything like me, you probably think of sex toys as something to be used in the privacy of your own home, either alone or with your partner. But that’s beginning to change as high-tech start-ups reconceptualize the way we think about sex toys, especially when these companies are run by women. One notable manifestation of this trend are sex toys that double as wearable accessories. With these, gone are the days where your only option for a vibrator was a veiny phallus molded from the dong of a washed-up porn star (though if that’s your thing, do you). Read on for a list of sex toys you can take with you anywhere.
1. Secrets 5 Function Remote Control Vibrating Black Lace Thong
While it may look like your typical lace thong, this baby has a hidden pocket that fits a mini vibrator. What’s more, it’s also remote control operable up to a range of 10 meters, so you can cede control to someone else if that’s your kink. According to the product description, “you won’t have to choose between turning up to work or climaxing, popping to the post office or climaxing, or going to a wedding or climaxing.” The wedding example is a bit of a weird flex, but these undies could come in handy for one of those work meetings that could have been an email.
2. Amelia Nipple Clamp Chandelier Earrings
These earrings are not necessarily for the faint of nip heart. Though they may look like your typical architectural jewelry, they’re modeled after the alligator nipple clamp, a staple in the BDSM world. The great thing about clamps is that they can be adjusted to suit your tolerance, whether it’s a simple desire to increase sensation or to heighten pleasure with some pain. Considering that the nipples are a major erogenous zone for many people, these earrings are a creative option that will both get you off and completely fool your more vanilla co-workers.
3. Crave Vesper Vibrator Necklace
If you’re toying (see what I did there?) with the idea of purchasing a wearable sex toy, this is the one I would start with. The Vesper necklace is perhaps the most well-known and popular wearable sex toy on this list, and it’s easy to see why. Its sleek design and three power settings make it both a beautiful piece of jewelry and a powerful vibrator. And there’s just something indulgent about wearing a literal vibrator out in the open: as one reviewer put it, “It’s like wearing a secret around my neck and in public!”
4. Cleo Bangle Handcuffs
If the nipple clamps weren’t for you but you’re game for some light BDSM, these bangles are a great option. They’re dainty, yellow gold and engraved, making for a beautiful pair of bracelets on their own. But after a long day of enduring passive-aggressive emails from Karen in Accounting, you can meet up with your partner outside of the office (or in the office if you’re having an affair with a coworker, I don’t know your life) and use these “surprisingly strong” handcuffs for a little bit of fun.
5. Palma Vibrator Ring
Rounding out the list is a ring with 5-star reviews that doubles as a vibrator. What appears on the surface as a chic cocktail ring is actually a multispeed waterproof vibrator with customizable modes that let you control the vibrations with your own hand movements. Although it may seem small, reviewers agree that this sucker “packs a punch.” I guess my ex was right and size doesn’t really matter after all.
The growing prominence of wearable sex toys on the market is exciting. By allowing people, especially women, to literally wear their sexuality on their sleeve (or neck, or ear, or finger), wearable sex toys subverts the societal notion that sex is something shameful that needs to be kept hidden. That’s a vibe (OK, I’ll stop) that we can all get into.
Images: Marvin Meyer / Unsplash; Giphy (1)
Happy National Masturbation Month, betches! We’re all about men being replaced by machines these days, because who wants a guy that brags about his d*ck size during your first conversation, or even worse, asks for nudes even though you’ve never even hung out? You’re 31 years old, Logan. Get your sh*t together. So of course, masturbation doesn’t just deserve a day or a Seinfeld episode about it—it deserves a whole month! Above all, the most important thing in life is to love yourself, and what better way to do it than rubbing one out? As someone who has been a member of the Good Vibe Tribe to the point where I’m on a first-name basis with the fine employees of the Pleasure Chest (at both NYC locations), follow me as I give you a rundown on the crème de la cum of the best vibrators out there.
LELO SONA Cruise
If I could, I would write my Lelo Sona Cruise 365 letters, every day for a year. Unfortunately, my vibrator reads as much as our president (i.e. not at all). But I could still get romantic with my Lelo Sona Cruise in the rain à la Noah and Allie because it’s waterproof. (Wow, I make more references about my relationship with a toy to The Notebook than I ever had with my boyfriends). The fact that you can take it to the shower or bath isn’t its number one benefit, although in the words of Kathryn Dennis, “It’s waterproof, so it goes where I go.” I wholeheartedly believe that this is the toy that every girl needs. It borderline gives you oral sex. Even when you’re not in the mood, you can just reach for it if you’re bored or wanna take a nap without taking an Ambien and it’ll leave you satisfied, smiling, and a little bit sleepy.
Vesper Vibrator Necklace
Why get a boyfriend who buys you jewelry every time he f*cks up when you can just get a piece of jewelry that doubles as a vibrator? No drama, no stress, all while looking chic and…you know…satisfied. The Vesper is a necklace that you can wear out in public, and it looks surprisingly stylish for an accessory that spends a lot of time in your nether regions. It comes in silver, rose gold, and gold. It heats up and the little guy is small but mighty, so you’re guaranteed to get off. Plus, it has the Gwyneth Paltrow stamp of approval, but it’s the kind of stamp of approval that isn’t debunked by NASA or medical professionals. It’s the stamp of approval that means it’s totally worth it and you can not-so-humbly brag about it.
Svakom Siime Selfie Stick
There is nothing less sexy than hearing the phrase “mutual masturbation.” Is there a word for cottonmouth from when you take Adderall, but it happens to your vagina? Cottonvagina? That’s literally what happens to me when I hear that term. Anyway, this selfie stick for your vag makes *gulp* mutual masturbation *gags* a lot hotter for both parties. Sending nudes can kind of be the worst. I only take mine when I’m morning skinny or my friends and I just exchange each others’ nudes and guys are none the wiser that we’re sending nudes of other people. God, we’re weird. Anyway, this selfie camera-turned-vibrator goes IN your vagina and your partner can get a load of what’s going on inside of you when you orgasm. Think of it as a porn parody of Osmosis Jones.
GLUVR Finger Vibrator
This lil guy slips on to your pointer finger and your thumb so that you can stimulate your G-spot and your clit at the same time. It takes the old school version of what feels like spinning the turntables to a whole different level. Yes, ladies, finger-banging is not just for 9th graders who try to take it to the next level after dry humping to John Mayer. I’ve always been a strong believer that rule number one for guys when finger-banging a girl is USE. YOUR. TONGUE. That’s it. But here, I make the exception because it’s doesn’t involve Jack Sparrow rifling through your treasure chest to find your cursed pink pearl. This actually feels good because a) it vibrates and b) it stimulates the two main erogenous zones without having to do some major finger yoga to get yourself off.
The Heart-Curve Chakrub
I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve heard nothing but good things about healing crystals. It’s just that Spencer Pratt gave them a bad name because he’s Spencer Pratt. My friends who aren’t even that into hippy dippy, New Age-y stuff swear by healing crystals. Rose quartz activates your heart chakra, which is the chakra that is connection with love and affection. By bringing your awareness to your fourth chakra through your second chakra (aka the chakra that’s situated in your hoo-hah), this rose quartz dildo will not only get you off, but it gives you a spiritual experiences that opens your heart, mind, and vagina. For more information on crystal healing, definitely check out Well+Good or Goop. Or, if you don’t get around to reading until four months from now, check out Poosh!
huge if true pic.twitter.com/jSXCepYKkf
— big guy (@_bean_tv) April 30, 2019
Lelo Ora 2
No, this article is not sponsored by Lelo. Yes, I am gassing them up so that I can one day be sponsored by Lelo. It’s how most influencers get sponsored by Revolve, so it’s a pretty brilliant strategy. The Sona Cruise is similar to oral sex, but the intention of Oral 2 is that it takes to mimicking oral sex to a whole different level. It has won hella sex toy awards, and I absolutely want to attend one of those award shows. Essentially, this toy has a bead underneath the silicone that has different settings to swirl around your clit, thus simulating oral sex. And the best part is, if you’re having a day where you’re just feeling lazy, there’s no reciprocity to suck your partner’s d*ck if you’re just not in the mood.
Merry Masturbation Month, everybody! And remember:
Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link and purchase a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.
Hey girl, let’s talk about butt stuff! If you’re someone who has never tried anal play but it curious about what it has to offer, then this article is for you! It’s fun to spice things up and try out new things, but it’s also important to make sure you are prepared to embark on that journey. With most sex things, but especially this one, preparedness is key to enjoyment. I’m not a scientist, but if I were, I’d imagine the graph depicting the relationship between these factors would be a straight diagonal line trending upwards. Of course there is the mental preparedness aspect, which should go without saying—don’t do anything you’re not 100% comfortable with. But when you’re talking about anal play, there is a big physical preparedness component as well. So buckle up, because we’re going to talk about how to get yourself ready! It’s going to get a little graphic and weird, so leave now if you are squeamish. All right, we all good here? We ready? Great. Here are five things to consider before diving into butt stuff.
1. Take Things One Step At A Time
Sorry for the graphic imagery here, but your butt can open up a world of pleasure. There’s no need to rush it, though! In fact, you’re going to want to take things slow in order to avoid pain or injury and maximize pleasure. That cute tooshy of yours is sensitive and needs to be treated with care. You will likely want to start with fingers/rimming, then make your way to toys such as butt plugs (work your way up in sizes here too), and then you can graduate to a penis. Who doesn’t love a good penis graduation ceremony?! The point is, your butthole needs to be trained, and skipping ahead to anal immediately will make things go much less smoothly. Take it slow, and your experience will be much more pleasurable.
2. Remember That Lube Is Your Friend
I cannot stress this enough. Lube that baby up! Your butt doesn’t produce natural lube in the way a vagina does, so you just need to hit up Duane Reade or your local sex shop and get some lube. Be aware that there are many different types of lube, and paying attention to this can be important. For example, some sex toys require that you use water-based lube. Lube is also an opportunity to have fun. Shop around and see what you like. The world is your oyster lube store.
3. You’re Going To Want To Prep And Primp
I don’t know if you knew this, but *checks over shoulders* poop comes out of your butt. Sorry, but that’s just the world we live in! You’re going to want to clean that area thoroughly before you start putting stuff in it. Unless you’re totes cool with things getting messy, in which case…hell yeah, good for you. Personally, I will be in the shower washing the crap out of myself (literally, I guess), but that’s just me!
4. Educate Yourself About Anal Play Toys
There are so many fun and flirty toys you can introduce to your butt, but it’s important to know what you’re working with. Off the top, please note that while anal play toys can be used for vaginal play (after washing!!!), not all vaginal toys can be used for anal play. Plugs are designed for your butt, so they usually have some sort of base, which dildos and vibrators do not. This is to stop your ass from, pardon my French, sucking the toy right up. Buttholes have the power to swallow things in a way that vaginas do not. You do not want to be that person who ends up in the ER because you “fell on your vibrator”. (I have friends in residency; this is apparently very common.) Also, some butt plugs are meant for wearing around outside to stretch out your hole, while others are solely for using in the bedroom. Make sure you know what you’re playing with!
5. Don’t Be Afraid To Ask For Advice
Employees at sex shops are almost always friendly, knowledgable, and eager to help. These people know their sh*t. When shopping around a sex shop, I suggest going right up to an employee and explaining your situation and what you’re looking for. Don’t be embarrassed! I did this and chatted with an employee for a full 20 minutes. She went over what every toy had to offer, explained the safety measures needed when indulging, and made me feel comfortable about my purchase. Without assistance, walking into a sex shop can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re looking to try something new. In order to avoid standing in front of a shelf full of butt plugs while having a panic attack, simply ask for help. These people are the opposite of kink shamers and will make you feel more comfortable.
Anal play can actually be very fun and rewarding, so long as you don’t just go from 0 to 100. With these tips, I hope you can prepare yourself so that you can enjoy the experience to its full extent. No need to thank me!
Images; @charlesdeluvio / Unsplash; Giphy (5)
I had my first orgasm when I was 28, at least a decade later than I would have liked. I was blissfully unaware of orgasms as an adolescent, but when I got to college, suddenly it felt like people were coming left and right. I was like, “Hey guys, wait up!”
When I had my first sexual experiences in college, whenever someone would try to touch my vagina, I would say, “Whoa, why are you trying to kill a good time?” and instinctively shoo them away. I slowly realized that I was not comfortable with anything going anywhere near my vagina. I went to the gynecologist, and it turned out I had something called vaginismus, a condition that causes your vaginal muscles to spasm upon penetration. When she diagnosed me, I thought, “Well, this checks out!”
I eventually treated my vaginismus using vaginal dilators, which are like a set of Russian dolls for your vagina, except they are neither cute nor fun, but I still had a long way to go before having an orgasm. I had yet to even locate my own clitoris. Finally, a man put a finger on it, and I shouted, “that’s something!” but it was so ticklish and intense that I would be flailing all over the bed like a balloon man at a car dealership. I then decided to try masturbating, and at the age of 25, I turned on porn for the first time. Though what I would do is watch it, get really aroused, and not touch myself, letting the feeling pass. I still had so much discomfort with my body that I had yet to unpack.
Eventually, I was starting to get really frustrated so I began a serious “take-action” phase. I wanted to come, and I became increasingly pissed that I hadn’t. I was ready to drop some serious dollars to experience this abstract, apparently transcendent sensation. As the saying goes, “There’s no such thing as a free orgasm.” I’m here to confirm that: coming ended up costing me nearly $2,000. I present to you: an itemized receipt for my first orgasm.
Rocket Vibe ($35)
I’m 22, still not super concerned that I haven’t come yet. At this point, the solution seems as simple as buying a vibrator, any vibrator. I go to Good Vibrations in Boston with some friends, giggle a lot, and buy a vibrator that looks sleek and modern because aesthetics are important to me. My friend says, confidently, “You’ll come with this.” I go home, excited to have my first orgasm. I’m about to cross over to the other side! But, no orgasm. Like, not even close.
Jimmyjane ($149)
Jimmyjane Form 2 Rechargeable Vibrator
I’m 24, in a relationship, and starting to get frustrated. I storm back into Good Vibrations, grab one off the shelf that a different friend swears by (“YOU NEED THE JIMMYJANE”), and buy it without hesitation. Also, apparently a $149 purchase earns you three frequent buyer cards worth of stamps, which took the cashier 5 minutes to fill out. I take it home and… wow! I feel a lot of sensations! But they are not an orgasm!
8 Sessions With A Sex Therapist ($160*)
I’m 25 and extremely frustrated. I decide to start seeing a sex therapist, thinking she would put me on the how-to-orgasm fast track. Instead, she wants to unpack my fantasies, which I really didn’t want to share. She helped me realize that I had a lot of shame about my fantasies because they didn’t feel feminist to me. Turns out being a feminist submissive can be a real mindf*ck. Still no orgasm, but I learned that the problem was with both my body and mind. Score!
*It would have been more expensive, but I was still on my parents’ insurance
Writing A Comedy Show About It ($1,273*)
I’m 28, desperate, and there’s only one thing left to do. Say it with me: write a comedy show. I wrote all of my frustration into a show called Molly Brenner Is Not Coming. I think part of me believed that writing the show would help me come. If I put my struggle out into the world, I MUST come, right? I never read The Secret, but I think that’s the idea. Well, I didn’t come. But as I began performing the show, it got me talking to a lot more women about how I hadn’t come, and…
LELO Mona 2 ($169)
One audience member confidently declared, “You need a new vibrator!” So, living in New York now, still 28, and being extremely trusting of people’s advice, I march into the gift shop at the Museum of Sex, corner an employee and say, “I’ve never come. Fix me.” They pick up a long blue vibrator that makes a “come hither” motion and say, “This makes me come buckets.” I try it, convinced this is the one. I mean, I can’t believe I haven’t tried an internal vibrator yet! I’m such an idiot! I use it and… no buckets. Not even a droplet.
Weed Mint And My Hand ($0)
I’m an older, wiser 28, and I remember something that a different audience member had suggested: weed. Ever heard of it? I’ve never liked smoking weed, but then I tried, well, sucking weed. I was offered something called a “weed mint.” I wasn’t planning to masturbate that night, but apparently weed mints make me really horny. So, I started masturbating, not really expecting anything, but out of nowhere, a feeling I’d never felt before came over my body. It felt like an electric current emanating from my clitoris. I thought, “Oh my God! This is it! I’m having an orgasm!
In total, I spent $1,786 on my first orgasm. Was it a worthwhile investment? Yes and no. On one hand, it makes me really angry that coming was just so hard—and expensive. I know that not everyone is able to spend that much on coming, and I hope no one else does. On the other hand, I believe that every step along the way was part of my orgasm fairytale. If I hadn’t reached the peak of frustration, I wouldn’t have written my show, then I wouldn’t have talked to the woman who told me to try weed, and then I wouldn’t have accepted the weed mint when it was offered to me. A traditional fairytale.
Funds have fully vested and amortization is on schedule. Unrelated, but I know nothing about finance. Who cares, though, because now I perform a show called I’m Coming—and this one has a happy ending.
Molly Brenner is a comedian who has performed at UCB, the PIT, Q.E.D., and other venues. Her show, I’m Coming, runs February 21-24 at the Tank Theater in NYC. Tickets and info available here.
Images: Giphy (3); Good Vibes (2); LELO; Molly Brenner
When it comes to vibrators, I have somewhat limited experience. Specifically, I took one trip to Babeland my junior year of high school to pick out a vibrator I’d seen on an episode of Sex and the City. (A newer model, obviously. Vibrator shopping is not the time to go vintage.) And courtesy of a shitty high school boyfriend, I was almost immediately discouraged from ever using said vibrator. Apparently, bringing in outside help (even on my own), was “insulting.” Whenever I attempted to broach the topic again, my boyfriend literally gave me the silent treatment (real catch, I know).
So before we dive in, let me say that you should dump any partner who tries this bullshit on you. Swiftly. I’m not saying that they’re not allowed to have any opinions or input. But if someone ascribes to the idea that they “own” your orgasms—to the extent that they feel threatened by a couple of triple-A batteries—then they’re not worthy of your time. *Waits for 2/3 of readers to dump their shitty BFs via text* Anyway, let’s discuss how to incorporate vibrators into your sex life.
Figure Out What You Like
Even if you’ve found a vibrator/method you like (and especially if you haven’t), I strongly encourage you to keep experimenting. As with all other sex acts, you really want to avoid falling into a rut with your vibrator. And if you’re using it with a partner for the first time, you’ll definitely need to coach them on how you want the vibrator used. So you can either do that background research on your own, or you can make finding out part of the fun.
A few ways you can do this: try different speeds, areas, and levels of pressure on or near your clit. Try putting it inside yourself. Try it on different parts of your body (Refinery29 suggests trying it on your nipples, or as a back massager.) Use it with lube. Try holding it yourself, and try having your partner hold it. Also, try it both over and under clothes. I actually thought I hated vibrators for a while because I was basically just bludgeoning my nerve endings with it. If you’re easily over-stimulated, leave your underwear on next time you use a vibrator. It could be a total game changer.
Add It To Foreplay
Ah, foreplay. While far too often relegated to three minutes of making out plus some vague nipple pinching, foreplay really shouldn’t end until you’re 100% ready for the next phase. “Ready” in this case largely refers to being wet, but not exclusively. IDK about you, but I like a good amount of time to get in the right mindset. Otherwise we’re suddenly boning and I realize I’m still thinking about the Dewan-Tatum situation. IMO, using a vibrator can totally change the foreplay experience, and you have lots of options. If teasing is a turn-on for you or your partner, you can use the vibrator on yourself and set a rule. Your partner isn’t allowed to touch you until you say. Or, if you like your partner to dominate you, they can use it on your clit/start fingering you until you’re audibly and visibly ready to move on. Bonus: both these moves are made even hotter if the person not holding the vibrator is tied up.
Add It To Sex
Personally, I think doggy style is one of the best positions for you to use a vibrator. First of all, your partner should be paying attention to your clit anyway. Second, doggy feels deeper and tighter than most positions. So, combining the sensation with a vibrator is basically a sensory overload in the best way possible. Best case: you’re getting G-Spot and clit stimulation at the same time. Worst case: it’s overly intense, so you make some adjustments. (E.g. lower vibrator setting, less direct clit contact, trying a new angle).
If you want to keep the intensity of doggy but prefer to hold the vibrator yourself, you can modify doggy slightly by lying in a fetal-ish position on your side. Your partner kneels behind you, and you lift your top leg if you want them to go even deeper. If you want both partners to hold the vibrator (which can be really hot), you should try it while spooning. Controlling the vibrator together is even hotter when you have that full-body contact. That being said, you can use a vibrator in pretty much any position. (Maybe not ultra-close missionary.) You be the judge of your partner’s dexterity and ability to multi-task and plan accordingly.
If you’ve tried a million vibrators and it’s just not for you, that’s totally fine. But if you’ve held off so far because you’ve been scared into thinking you’re “replacing a man” or you think that all vibrators are basically hot-pink cement mixers, I beg you to get back in the game. The vibrator industry exists to help you get off. Treat finding your signature vibrator with the same energy you gave finding a signature scent, and get to work.
Images: Giphy (4)
Some say maturity is measured by the copious amounts of subtweets blasted on social media about some fucktard, or the continuing decision to chase your birth control with Fireball. What some don’t know is that maturity is actually measured by the futile attempt of not cracking a faint giggle as the sex store saleslady gives you a detailed lecture on how to properly insert a vibrating C-ring onto his bulging erection (lol she said “erection”). Needless to say, my first time purchasing a sex toy was eye-opening.
If you’re already a self-described sex toy aficionado, kudos—you’ve prob faked your way through one too many orgasms in your life while attempting to cover it up with some “let’s get more adventurous” bullshit. But if you’re not so savvy in the whole grown-up toys department, you’re obvs curious. K, so forget what I said—sex toys are great. They’re like that excuse of a best guy friend you secretly lust over while convincing your boyfriend he’s “like a brother” to you—in other words, they’re the backup you crave in times of pure desperation. Think about it: Have you ever heard of a woman being let down by her vibrator? We as a society may be sucking down Tide Pods this year, but we’re well past the point of sex toys being a taboo, so consider this like a Dildos for Dummies if you’re thinking about blessing your life with the art of greater satisfaction. Your vagine can thank me later.
You, in a euphoric state of pure orgasmic bliss when you’re done reading this:
LUBRICANT
This isn’t groundbreaking information, and I fucking realize lube is not a sex “toy”, but the stigma around using lube because you don’t want him to think you’re a “dried up old hag” has been cancelled. Nobody thinks that, and nobody will judge you if you suggest using it, especially while using toys. Using lube is not like, required in the rule book to have a good time, but neither is vodka, and I don’t see you going out dry-as-fuck-sober every weekend. So do yourself a solid and invest in some $10 coconut-flavored (WATER-BASED) lube so you’ll NEVER have to ask yourself “did this fuck seriously just slap his spit onto my clit?”
Wet Kiwi Strawberry Flavored Lube
And also, this:
VIBRATOR
A woman without a vibrator is like… some metaphor I can’t even think of because it physically pains me to even imagine. Whether you’re regularly scheduling dick appointments or you’re a lone ranger, invest in a fucking vibrator. Like, before you invest in decent health insurance. Vibrators are great for solo seshes or for partner play, because they require little effort for maximum clitoral stimulation and satisfaction and don’t contain a shit ton of fancy features. There’s one battery required for one button containing like, 10 different speeds and double the orgasms. That’s like, some Bill Gates innovative shit.
Pleasurette mini waterproof vibrator
The We-Vibe is also great for couples and the pleasure is literally in the name: we fucking vibe. One end goes inside to hit the G-spot and one resides directly on the clit. It may look like an IUD-type contraption, but the irony here is after being orgasmically blessed into the holy gates of Heaven, you’ll def want his babies. Jk, kinda.
We-Vibe rechargeable couples silicone waterproof massager
DIRTY DICE
Remember in 13 Going on 30, when older bitchy Jenna told her super-hot hockey player bf she wanted to play a game and he thought playing Battleship meant a game of dick, dick, goose, and she def didn’t? Well, with Dirty Dice, you’re both on the same page while playing a game that will 100% end up in sex. You literally have to roll a pair of dice and do what it says #revolutionary. This is perfect for couples who are too prude shy to whip out actual toys to spruce up their sex life, and the anticipation is sure to heighten your sexual senses, so get rolling.
Dalliance Adult upscale adult sex dice
DILDO
Congrats! You’re finally thinking about biting the bullet and actually buying the bullet. I’ll be the first to admit, sex stores don’t exactly market their dildos to be friendly and pleasurable pieces of hardware. Like, wtf is with the round table shrine of sacrificial hard-ons upon entrance? And sure, the last thing you want to see when you open your drawer is a veiny triumphant bastard with silicone balls staring you straight in the face, but don’t be fooled by a dildo’s exterior—most of these handheld devices come equipped with vibrating clit stimulators resembling fuzzy animal ears, and even are named after some adorable AF wildlife, like “fluttering rabbit” or “leaping dolphin” or some shit. Plus, it’s like you’re introducing one new friend to another: Rabbit, meet G-Spot.
Adam & Eve wet wabbit vibrator
BEGINNER BONDAGE KIT
If you ever try to tell me you don’t actually have a Fifty Shades fantasy or that you haven’t left the movie theater soaking wet the past two Valentine’s Day weekends, you can politely excuse yourself now. A bondage set is a must-have for beginner sex toy consumers. It’s like the gateway drug that leads to a wonderful world of nipple clamps and butt plugs (shut up, you’re sort of curious). Truthfully, idk how the fuck “introduction” and “S&M” could ever be placed in the same sentence, but it’s apparently a thing. This kit comes with everything you need to amp up the kink: fuzzy cuffs, an eye mask and a faux-leather flogger that allows for any pleasure level from gentle grazing to “whip me harder, Christian!”
C-RING
This shit may or may not have ruined my childhood because upon first glance, I low-key thought it was a Life Saver. Anyway, I will say that this shit takes practice, but it’s well worth it when used correctly. Cock rings are designed mostly for men to basically rubberhead their peen, restricting blood flow and causing increased pressure, which results in the ultimate O. But then a bunch of fems were all, “what about my pleasure?” so voilà—the vibrating cock ring was born. These are great for when he “forgets” to show your clit some love during sex so you’re not forced to basically masturbate while he’s going full throttle. Like I said, desperate times call for desperate fucking measures.
Adam & Eve big O multi-stage vibrating penis ring
Here’s your obvious statement of the day: Sex ed is truly lacking in America. On top of all the abstinence-only nonsense, they totally fail to mention that hello, sex toys are life-changingly awesome. Using a vibrator is, like, one of the rules of feminism, but unless the Republicans’ plans for healthcare are way more progressive than anticipated, our solo sex lives are entirely self-funded. In other words, most of us are stuck searching for vibrators under $50 every time our old ones give out, because who the fuck can drop $15,000 on a gold-plated sex toy? Aside from Gwyneth Paltrow, obvs. And maybe Corinne Olympios.
Anyway, those of us who aren’t world famous and don’t have a platinum vagine can’t afford that shit. Here are 12 vibrators for under $50.
1. Babeland Laya Spot, $49.99
If you’re a little intimidated by vibrators or just prefer simple controls, Babeland’s Laya vibe is one of their bestsellers. It’s small enough to pack in a bag, battery-powered, and the only control is basically a volume button for vibration intensity. Whether the simplicity is a good or bad thing is up to you.
2. INTIMINA Kiri Personal Massager, $29.95
If the ins and outs of the sex toy industry isn’t really your thing, all you need to know is that Intimina is one of the best-regarded brands out there. Half of their stuff is wayyy out of any reasonable human being’s budget, but if you’re dying to try out one of their products, the Kiri personal massager is actually pretty affordable. Like most less expensive vibes, though, the Kiri is battery-powered, which means you’ll have to factor in the cost of batteries long-term and they’ll probably die at the exact moment when you need them the most.
3. INTIMINA Raya Personal Massager, $39.95
And here’s another affordable option from Intimina. It’s got six settings and 16 different speeds, and it’s waterproof. Which like, shouldn’t all vibrators be…? Ok, I’ll see myself out.
4. GESS Ava Natural Flow, $33.99
This vibe from GESS is fairly typical, with different intensities and patterns—unlike your fuckboy who seems to think you’ll orgasm from him thrusting with the force and velocity of a jackhammer. What makes this vibrator interesting, though, is that it warms up to just above body temperature, so you don’t have to feel like you’re getting a pap smear at the gynecologist while you wait for it to heat up.
5. Tickler Original Bunny Toyfriend, $27.47
If you can get past the fact that this sounds like it was named by a divorcée looking to “get her groove back,” it’ll be worth it because the Toyfriend vibrators are some of the best-known in the sex toy industry. If you have the money, they have a bunch of newer-generation stuff for a little under $100, but most of their original series created back in 2009 goes for under $50 these days. Time for a NSFW #TBT?
6. Utumi Upgraded Silicone 10 Speed Vibrator, $19.48
This silicone vibrator is meant for your clit and your G-spot, and you’ll never have to worry about it texting you back so it’s automatically better than any guy. It’s less than $20 and it’s one of the best-selling vibrators on Amazon—so again, unlike that guy you met on Tinder whose job is “CEO at self-employed,” it’s a real winner.
7. Linglong Rechargeable Vibrator, $27.99
Linglong’s G-spot vibrator has a bunch of settings, but the most important feature is that it’s rechargeable, which means you won’t have to fork over the money for batteries every few months and do that awkward thing where the cashier at CVS asks you why you come in to buy batteries so often. (Not to mention the possibility of it giving out in the middle and giving you the lady version of blue balls. Blue ovaries? Blue-terus?) That’s pretty rare for cheaper vibrators TBH.
8. Bombex Rabbit Vibrator, $19.99
AS YOU CAN SEE, this is NOT for the faint of heart. Personally, I find the sheer amount of features on this vibrator mildly terrifying. Why are there beads? What’s with the artistically-placed veins?? What’s that thing coming out of the side? But it’s perfect for anyone who’s a fan of rabbit vibes—which you’ve probably heard of from Sex and the City or some shit, mainly because it’s one of the most affordable.
9. Odeco Rechargeable Bullet Egg, $39.96
Do I typically want anything referred to as an egg anywhere near my vagine? No, but Odeco’s bullet vibrator is rechargeable over USB ports and remote-controlled within a 30-foot range. Considering it’s (technically) less than $40, that’s a pretty insane deal.
10. Lyps Holly G Spot & Clitoris Vibrator, $25.99
The Holly is super cheap for a G-spot/clit vibrator. There are 10 speeds, and it gets 4.5 stars on Amazon—I’m not sure what kind of person leaves reviews of sex toys online, but whatever, I’m glad they want to.
11. Blue Lolly Waterproof Female Vibrator, $13.97
This vibe also functions as a small dildo (about 5 inches—hopefully not the size you’re accustomed to) and has a bunch of good reviews, so you’re already getting your money’s worth. But compulsive online shoppers, beware, because some deals are too good to resist: It also comes with a free mini bullet vibrator.
12. Ann Summers Rose Gold Mini Vibrator, $13.02
For people who travel a bunch, this mini vibrator from Ann Summers can fit in your purse and costs less than $15, which is basically the cost of something from Chipotle from before all that e. coli business. Plus it comes in rose gold, in case you want your vibrator to look dated within a year or two. Or if you like your sex toys to be Instagrammable, I guess.
