I think we can all agree that while Netflix has been bringing it with the murder and scam documentaries lately, they’ve been sorely lacking in their monthly rom-com quotas. Look, don’t get it twisted. I love watching the fall of humanity one bingeable documentary at a time, but that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate watching a bunch of very attractive twenty-somethings pretend to be very awkward high schoolers and somehow inspire my spiteful ass to believe in love again. That being said, brace yourselves, because Noah Centineo, aka Peter Kavinsky, aka the man who put his hand in Lara Jean’s back pocket (!!!), has a new movie coming out, and it is happening so so soon.
That’s right. This is not a drill, people. Our favorite barely legal Instagram thirst trap is gracing our screens once again, and I’m already making a note in my planner to call out sick when the movie drops on April 12th.
NETFLIX: Noah Centineo has a new moving coming out in two weeks.
Noah’s new movie is called The Perfect Date, and after having watched the trailer I just have, like, a lot of feelings. So let’s take a look at said trailer, shall we?
Let’s start with the opening scenes from the trailer. In a voiceover, Noah declares, “I’ve always wanted to date the most popular girl in school, drive the fanciest car, and go to the most prestigious school, but I can’t afford any of that.” I hate to break it to you, buddy, but if you think HIGH SCHOOL is too expensive for you, just wait until you find out it costs approximately $1,200 a month just to breath air as an adult.
Noah Centineo plays Brooks Rattigan, a poor nerd who, apparently, can only get a date if someone pays him. Lol, k. Are we really to believe, Netflix, that this face…
…can only get a date if it’s paid for?! If that’s true, then I think Noah can quit acting and start taking Venmo requests. I’ve got $168 in my savings account with his name on it. We’ll all set you up for life, bb.
But back to the premise. So Brooks Rattigan is poor and unpopular, despite looking like a goddamn snack in every scene he’s in. He’s working as a sandwich boy at an off-brand Subway, when one day he overhears two dudes talking about needing to pay someone to date their sister, and Noah is like “I volunteer as tribute, but only if I get to drive your car.” And the random dude SAYS YES. I take it back, this is starting to sound more and more like one of Netflix’s murder documentaries…
Brooks gets set up with a moody rich girl, Celia Lieberman, who I can already tell will be friend-zoned three seconds into this trailer because she has a personality and wears combat boots. Jesus. After his date with Celia, he decides that actually he’s pretty good at being a
f*ckboy “stand-in date,” and decides to make a living at it by making his own app WHERE HE SELLS HIMSELF AS A PLUS ONE. I’m sorry, but is Netflix encouraging the prostitution of a minor rn?? Because this sounds less like a fun side hustle, and more like something Olivia Benson will try and prosecute in this season’s finale of Law & Order SVU. My favorite is that Brooks looks so proud of himself for thinking he’s pioneered the sex trade industry.
am i really going to sit thru a third netflix movie for an audience demo 15yrs younger than me just bc it stars noah centineo? u betcha https://t.co/hjigtWKDM8
— ? (@oneofthosefaces) March 27, 2019
As you can imagine, with a face like that, Brooks is absolutely thriving in his career as an underage escort and even gets a date with the hottest, most popular girl in school, Shelby Pace (aka Camila Mendes). We know Shelby is the most popular girl in school because she wears an inordinate amount of fur and barely speaks, and apparently that is enough to qualify her as Brooks’ “dream girl.” K. After getting everything he wants though, Brooks realizes maybe he’s actually into Celia, despite her having a personality of her own. Who will he choose? Well, it’s a real Sophie’s Choice there…
As I said, this trailer left me with a lot of thoughts and feelings, but mostly I’m extremely hype for this thing to release. The cast is, like, the perfect mashup of The CW and Freeform’s most beautiful rejects, and there’s truly nothing I love more than watching adults pretending to be teenagers dry hump in a janitor’s closet.
The Perfect Date drops Friday, April 12th, so feel free to cancel your plans right f*cking now.
Images: Giphy (1); YouTube (1); @ncentineo /Instagram (1); @oneofthosefaces / Twitter
Welcome back, Riverdale fam! I’m sure you’ve been on the edge of your seat since last week’s episode when we learned that Veronica thought “film noir” meant “hats, but make it fashion.” Other things that happened last week that were just as upsetting as Veronica’s choice in accessories: Archie is single, stupid, and without a legitimate excuse to take off his shirt each episode. I’m v worried about his emotional well-being. Betty was still rekindling her relationship with her father despite the fact that he murdered all of her friends, and Veronica set fire to Hiram’s entire drug stash before Hermione could profit from it. I applaud that level of pettiness. And if you think that sounds like hot garbage masked as quality television, that’s because it absolutely is.
Jughead starts this week off by declaring that Riverdale is “Bizarro Town” and that point is driven home by the fact that the writers decided to give secondary characters a minute of screen time without Archie, Jughead, Betty, or Veronica f*cking it up with their personal problems. It’s announced that the former Sheriff Keller and the former Mayor McCoy are getting married and I’m here for it. In fact, please show more of it. Anything to see those abs.
Cut to Cheryl and TT who are fondling each other in bed. Really? Red satin sheets? Like, we get it. They’re living in sin. Lesbianism isn’t that shocking anymore, CW!!
Cheryl says that she feels sooooo blessed to finally be sleeping in a bed and not in the tent city anymore. TT’s like “yeah we’re away from the cold and the maggots.” THE COLD AND THE MAGGOTS. I’m sorry, WHAT. I mean, I knew the Serpents’ tent city should be condemned, but this is outrageous. Also, do we think the writers got their inspiration from all the Fyre Festival footage and were like, “imagine where those rich kids thought they were going to a music festival, but make it where Riverdale’s discarded youth will live indefinitely.”
Meanwhile, Veronica finds out that you can’t just burn your mother’s drugs and get away with it. Funny. I thought the first time she’d learn there are consequences to her actions would be, like, literally any other way, but sure, have her first life lesson involve broken kneecaps.
Okay, yes I am LIVING for more Kevin/Moose content. Or really any content that involves more of Kevin’s one-liners.
I will say that it’s weird that all of a sudden the writers are pretending like these secondary characters are actually important. First Kevin and Moose and now Josie and Sweet Pea?? First of all, I forgot those two were even a thing. I’m pretty sure we saw one closed-mouth kiss from them, like, episode one and then it was promptly forgotten about. I wonder whose ego they had to fondle in the writer’s room to get a little screen time.
Speaking of random acts of kindness, The CW must think I’ve been a good girl this season because TOMMY HOTTIE IS BACK Y’ALL. Tommy Keller and Mayor McCoy are getting it on in a hotel room and I can’t even focus on the fact that they’re trying to shove more Gargoyle King madness down my throat because did you see those abs? I. Can’t. F*cking. Breathe.
Mayor McCoy finds a sealed letter from the Gargoyle King asking them to finish ascension night with the rest of the parents. Is it just me, or is the Gargoyle King acting VERY petty rn? Like, he didn’t get invited to the wedding, so now he’s blackmailing the happy couple to force them to hang out with him? That’s
so disturbed inspired and I am definitely going to incorporate that into my wedding season strategy this year.
Cheryl takes a break from being fabulous to fat shame Kevin out of eating carbs and bond with him over his relationship woes, because I guess now that she’s a lesbian she suddenly grew a heart? Like, has Cheryl said anything nice to Kevin ever? I don’t know where this sympathetic attitude is coming from, and I don’t like it.
Kevin tells Cheryl about how Moose is afraid to come out and Cheryl is just like “you should move on.” Which is such a standard condescending piece of advice that someone in a relationship would give.
KEVIN: I can’t go back to picking up guys in the woods.
CHERYL: Uh, no. Have you heard of dating apps?
THANK YOU CHERYL. Like, please explain to him that he doesn’t have to prostitute himself out in the woods. This is the 21st century, for god’s sake.
Okay, WHAT. Did Cheryl just out Moose over the loudspeaker in between announcing the lunch menu and dates for the upcoming pep rally?? That is so wrong, I can’t.
Archie finds Josie in the music room crying over her upcoming audition to Juilliard, and the whole thing just feels forced. I don’t like that they’re shoving this Archie/Josie relationship down our throats just because Josie is the only single girl left in Riverdale and Archie is contractually obligated to get his dick wet at least once an episode.
Elsewhere, Veronica is trying to figure out where she’s going to get the money to pay off her mother’s drug buyers. I guess half priced mocktails at her speakeasy’s ladies night isn’t going to cut it.
I’m sorry, but did Reggie just seriously suggest they rob his daddy’s dealership for the extra cash?? I’ve had pizza in my fridge for longer than they’ve been together and he’s already willing to rip off his flesh and blood for her? Damn. That’s devotion.
VERONICA: It’s lunacy. But it’s inspired lunacy.
No, it’s robbery. And it’s a felony in most states, you dipsh*ts! It’s certainly not going to be as easy as grabbing the money while your dad is at work. I swear to god, if Veronica’s solution to getting away with this heist is to go shopping for new wigs then I’m out, y’all. I. Am. Out.
Sidenote: why did this entire robbery conversation feel like foreplay? Can just one of these teenagers have normal sexual habits, please?
Meanwhile, the midnight club is newly reunited, and they’re banding together to finish the G&G game they started back in high school. Is it just me or have we seen this episode before, and it was called Jumanji?
SHERIFF KELLER: Let’s finish what we started.
ALSO SHERIFF KELLER:
Oh, what do you know? I guess armed robbery wasn’t as easy as Veronica and Reggie thought it would be. Imagine! Veronica shows up dressed for the robbery like she finally put her Thelma and Louise Pinterest board to good use. I f*cking can’t with her extraness lately. She is out of control.
Lolololol. Reggie gets shot and their money bag explodes with a dye pack, which is exactly the outcome these two morons deserve. Like, if they had done exactly one Google search in preparation for this heist, they might have foreseen some of these obstacles.
Speaking of morons, Archie escorts Josie to her audition because I guess The CW is trying going make this happen whether we want it to or not. Why else would he suddenly be besties with Josie if not to get laid in the very near future?
Josie starts having a meltdown at Pop’s because she didn’t get into Juilliard. She’s crying about how nobody loves her and she has no plans and her life is falling apart and it’s very similar to what I do every single day in my car three seconds after pulling out of my office’s parking lot.
JOSIE: *wails* But I killed that interview!!
ARCHIE: *completely monotone* That’s crazy. They don’t deserve you.
NO NO NO NO NO. You can’t just pair people up together because there’s literally no one else! This isn’t Noah’s freaking Ark!
Moose tells Kevin that he came out and he wants to celebrate by “doing it,” because that sounds like a person who’s emotionally ready to lose their virginity.
OMG WHAT. Gladys is the drug buyer Hermione is so afraid of that she would literally sacrifice her first born child to them. I’m shocked, because the only thing I find scary about her is her crow’s feet.
GLADYS: Oh great. More teenagers.
^^Something I say at 8pm every Wednesday night
Okay, she’s being surprisingly nice for a drug dealer. She’s going to take their tainted money even though she 100 percent can’t use it, and all she wants in return is Reggie’s car. Veronica, being Veronica, immediately acts ungrateful. She’s like, “but he loves that car!!” and, like, it’s either his ride or his kneecaps, you choose bitch.
Meanwhile, the Midnight Club is back and ready to
party play with poison. They figure out pretty quickly that this gathering was just an elaborate ploy for the Gargoyle King to get to their kids while they’re unsupervised. Lol. As if these kids have ever been supervised a day in their goddamn lives.
And look! There they all are in various states of undress. The parents start calling all of their respective kids and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM is in the middle of some sort of sexual act. It’s like watching a full-blown orgy on my screen. Tbh I think what’s more unrealistic is that any of these kids would pick up their phones that quickly.
Kevin is the only one unaccounted for, and because we can’t have nice things, his first time is ruined by the Gargoyle King and his gang. Y’all, I’m so upset. Archie and Veronica get to bang on every goddamn surface in Riverdale but Kevin can’t have one night?? #JusticeForKevin
We find out that the Gargoyle King is actually Moose’s dad, Major Mason, which I could have called from a mile away. This is the only reason why the Riverdale writers gave any of these characters the time of day this episode, and it’s pissing me off.
Apparently Major Mason was jealous that Moose was seeing his former high school crush’s son. So, let me get this straight. Moose’s dad and Kevin’s dad were best friends and Moose’s dad tried to kiss Kevin’s dad back in the day. Why is this show so goddamn incestuous?? It’s like history repeating itself except they’ve all slept with each other in some way, shape, or form.
FP: You can’t just kidnap and terrorize your kid!
MAJOR MASON: This is Riverdale, what’s your point?
Well, when he’s right he’s right.
Gladys and Jelly Bean show up at FP and Jughead’s trailer and they’re moving in. They want to be a part of their lives now and I’m sure this has absolutely nothing to do with the drug sale that went down earlier in the episode…
Oh GOD. Archie is back to singing and I don’t know what I did to deserve this. He’s like “yeah and the worst part about Kevin and Moose being kidnapped and almost gay bashed is that I couldn’t sing with you!” You gotta have your priorities straight, don’t ya, Arch?
Moose leaves town to deal with everything, and breaks up with Kevin in the process. He’s back to being the only gay person in Riverdale. I’m sure his next lover will turn out to be a homicidal murderer, because The CW doesn’t want Kevin to find love. Again, I say #JUSTICEFORKEVIN.
Meanwhile, Cheryl gets TT her own gang and even an early admission to college! Literally the only thing a boyfriend ever gave me was a handwritten note that said “we need more milk”, but okay. Their gang name is the Pretty Poisons because they’re “pretty by day and poison by night” and I am absolutely adding that line to my dating app bio.
NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOO. Archie and Josie start making out mid-song because, while murder is Bughead’s foreplay, singing is Archie’s. I want to die. There’s absolutely ZERO chemistry between the two of them and I hate that the CW is forcing this relationship on us like they forced us to be okay with Betty’s BDSM habit as a minor.
And on that note, I’m out Betches! If you need me I’ll be taking to my Instagram DMs to fight @writerras about justice for Kevin. Toodles!
Images: Giphy (4); The CW (2); @writerras /Instagram (2)
It’s Wednesday, which for some of us means it’s time to wind down with the acid trip that is season three of Riverdale. I’ve seen a lot of messed up sh*t on this show (cousin loving, murder foreplay, and a 16-year-old Betty stripping on a pole in a bar known for gang activity, just to name a few!), but I think we can all agree that last week’s episode was the wildest one yet, because the writers actually had the audacity to pretend like these kids were still in high school. I almost fell off my couch when they managed to incorporate one SAT word into the script without the entire set bursting into flames. That said, I have a feeling this week’s episode is going to be even more insane because Camila Mendes hyped on Instagram that we should get ready for “Veronica meets Film Noir” which should be…very painful. I’ve already decided I’m going to drink every time someone says the word “doll”, “doll face” or “ugly mutt” so, like, prepare my funeral now.
Once again we start this week with another judgey montage from Jughead. I swear to God this kid is always in a perpetual state of being on his period. Like, enough with the ‘tude!
He’s says Riverdale was once a “good, decent, innocent place” and it’s like, okay, but when? The very first episode of this show there was already a twincest rumor between Cheryl and Jason and Archie was raw dogging his teacher in the school music room. When I was 16 I was still shopping at Delia’s and reading Tiger Beat but, sure, let’s compare our high school existences.
Case in point: Jughead lying to his dad about Tall Boy leaving town while Tall Boy is stuffed under the cot FP is currently sitting on. Ah, yes. The good, innocent Riverdale we all know and love. FP isn’t buying his story though because he’s spent 24 hours as a sheriff and he’s seen some things. I’ve also seen some things, like the fact that FP is a goddamn snack in that uniform.
Meanwhile, Archie is coming to terms with the fact that he might only be a pretty face. What a cross to bear in this world! He tells his dad that he thinks college maybe isn’t for him, which is, like, a very diplomatic way of saying that he flunked the SATs. Lol. I see right through you, buddy!
Cut to Veronica, who wants Jughead to find the person who shot her father. She asks him this while wearing a literal fedora. Like, what in God’s name is she wearing on her head.
JUGHEAD: Nice hat.
Betty shows up at Claudius’ funeral because she thinks Penelope might have poisoned him, and also she doesn’t know how to mind her own business. Meanwhile, Cheryl is in full-on mourning, aka wearing a dress short enough that I can see her vaginal lips. *slow claps* Don’t ever change, Cheryl!
I love that Betty shows up to this funeral uninvited and then thinks it’s okay to interrogate the deceased’s immediate family. She’s like “I’m sorry for your loss, Cheryl, but your mom is a murderer and you need to step up and help me prove it.” Maybe have a little bit more tact? Idk. Cheryl refuses to help with Betty’s murder investigation, which is, like, very fair. Just because you wrote “detective” on your business card does not mean anyone isn’t going to notice that said card was made with a sharpie and construction paper.
I guess last week Veronica was studying for more than just the SATs. She’s also been binge-watching Mob Wives, because now thinks she’s actually fit to run her father’s illegal businesses in his absence. LOL. K. Her first order of business is to fire his hired protection and replace them with Smithers and Reggie or as she likes to call them her “most loyal servant” and “jacked jack of all trades.” First of all, Smithers isn’t so much loyal as he is getting paid to work for your family. Also, he’s 80. That’s quite a crack team you’ve established there, Veronica!
Meanwhile, Betty and Jughead are off to track down Hiram’s mistress and potential killer but instead stumble upon a dominatrix club run by none other than Penelope Blossom. So chill. I love that Betty and Jughead are pretending to be horrified by The Maple Club when they actually just found a new spot for date night.
BETTY: Well, well, well, I guess Riverdale has a sex club now?
Archie is…not doing well this episode. He’s getting wasted at Veronica’s speakeasy while Veronica’s new lover bartends and makes passive aggressive comments to him in between rounds. This feels very masochistic and like something I definitely haven’t talked my girlfriend into doing after she was dumped.
By far the most disturbing relationship on this show is between Betty and this coroner. Like, she just got her driver’s license and she’s hanging out with a man who looks like he wrote “pulse optional” on his dating app preferences.
Josie draws the short straw and has to take care of a drunken Archie. She’s like “you can’t solve your problems by getting drunk in a bar before noon” and it’s like, did I hallucinate that they were taking the SATs last week? Like where is the normal high school drama! Archie is acting he just lost his job and has a mortgage to pay when literally all of his problems could be solved by taking an SAT prep class. Please.
JOSIE: I think you should channel your anger into something constructive like your music.
Betty confronts Penelope Blossom and finds out that Claudius was cooking Fizzle Pop in the old maple syrup factory, and that the runoff from that was polluting Sweetwater River, which is why every teenage girl in the town was having seizures earlier this season. I’m sorry, but this is not an acceptable explanation for me. Betty saw babies LEVITATING, and you’re just going to explain it away in less than 10 seconds of dialogue? That’s trash.
Jughead tracks down Hiram’s mistress AND IT’S KELLY RIPA. My god! Does she own this show now? The entire CW network? Is Riverdale secretly being filmed out of her NYC apartment? Like, what does she have on @writerras that her and her family are able to hijack this show every week?? I’m sorry, I love Kelly Ripa, but Hiram was the worst thing to ever happen to this show and I will fight anyone who says otherwise.
Footage from this week’s episode of ‘Riverdale’ or a confrontation in the writer’s room when they tried to kill off Hiram’s character last week? WHO CAN SAY.
Okay, WHAT. Hermione is also having an affair? With hot Sheriff Minetti?! I thought he was dead? Has she just been keeping him in an abandoned warehouse and bringing him out whenever she has an itch to scratch? This I did not see coming, but after a closer inspection of his
character abs, I’ll allow it. I am here for this partial nudity.
You guys the twists are insane tonight. In another shocking turn of events we find out that FP shot Hiram, and he did it because Hermione paid him to. That’s why he’s allowed to be sheriff, because it was a payoff (which is still not an acceptable explanation for why a convicted felon was suddenly allowed to become sheriff, but whatever).
FP tries to beat Hermione at her own game and forces her to go on the air and say that Tall Boy was the one who shot Hiram. Like, who is this interview for though? I have yet to see one other member of this town who isn’t a) a redhead or b) sleeping with a parent/classmate/brother/sister/other estranged relative of a redhead, which has to be the only explanation for why there haven’t been riots in the street for the outright corruption taking over Riverdale’s town politics. I highly doubt regular townspeople are waiting with bated breath to see if the mob boss running their town will get some justice. PLEASE.
Meanwhile, Veronica sets fire to Hiram’s entire drug supply and I feel nothing. That’s how I know this show is going downhill fast. Remember when Cheryl burned her entire home to the ground out of spite? And we all cheered? And I made the gif of her burning her life to to the ground the background on my computer and used it whenever applicable to real-life conversations? WHERE IS THAT RIVERDALE?
Okay, PLEASE tell me Josie and Archie aren’t about to be a thing. Archie’s giving her that look like she has a vagina and has shown mild interest in him, so now he wants to bang her. I can’t take one more Archie romantic entanglement. I just can’t.
Jughead tells Veronica that he knows who really shot her father, and it’s not Tall Boy, which is what the official announcement says. Veronica is still wearing the fedora and I am still feeling very personally victimized by it.
JUGHEAD: You don’t want to find out who shot your dad?
VERONICA: Eh, it’s Riverdale.
Truer words, V. Truer. Words.
The episode ends with Hermione shooting hot Sheriff Minetti for reasons that are unclear, but I’m sure will be explained away five episodes from now when we’ve forgotten all about this plot line and the writers decide to give it five whole seconds of their time to address. Anyways, I’m out! See you Betches
in hell next time!
Images: Giphy (4); The CW (1); @cole_jones.oursmile /Instagram (1)
Welcome back, Riverdale fans! After a too-brief hiatus, the show we love to hate is back and probably more batsh*t than ever. I’m going into this episode with a little bit of trepidation because I’ve seen what the writers of this show can do with only one week to write material, so I’m downright terrified to see what they can come up with when they’re well-rested after a four week break. Case in point: When last we left off, Archie and Veronica had broken up, Betty had escaped the nunnery/insane asylum and, oh yeah, Hiram and his thugs QUARANTINED the entire town of Riverdale just for funsies. Again, I say, this is what happened when the writers were given one week to let their imaginations run rampant. I shudder to think what we’re about to watch on our screens. So let’s get started!
Lol I forgot Archie was running away to Canada. Honestly, I can’t fault him for it. With all the sh*t I saw in 2018, I’m one State of the Union address away from moving there as well. It looks like Archie fled the country at the right time, because things in Riverdale don’t look great rn. And by “don’t look great,” I mean this would qualify as a national emergency if the writers of this show wrote within the realm of reality, but okay.
At least the quarantine was lifted, even though no one is explaining why it even happened in the first place?? Like, I’ve swallowed every piece of bullsh*t @writerras tries to spoon-feed me on Wednesday nights, but this I refuse to accept. An entire town thrown into a Purge-like state at the whims of a drug lord?? They’re in the state of New York, for god’s sake! At the very least, PEOPLE magazine would be sniffing around for a cover story to exploit to the masses. Please!
Since the quarantine, Cheryl and “TT” have apparently taken up stealing from the rich to give to themselves but, like, isn’t Cheryl the richest person in that town? I thought her family’s maple syrup paid for the town to, like, exist? Just because you wear leather and found lesbianism doesn’t mean you’re one with the people, Cheryl!
Lest you forget where you came from, Cheryl.
Also, Veronica is now selling booze at her speakeasy. I guess she finally learned that sober people don’t spend as much money. What, they didn’t teach you that in business school, V?
Also, I’m confused. Is she selling the booze to her high school friends or is she only serving people of age? Who would come to a speakeasy populated by high schoolers with a penchant for wearing fringe and suspenders?? WHO.
Meanwhile, Betty brought the runaways from the Sisters of Quiet Mercy to her house. They’re all camping out in her living room, and Alice is surprisingly chill with this. She has legit mental patients sleeping on a mattress in her breakfast nook and she’s like, “As long as you feed them, Betty, and they don’t mess on the floor…”
JUGHEAD: It doesn’t make sense for Hiram to quarantine an entire town.
NO IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE, JUGHEAD. Thank you!
Honestly, I’m so over this entire Hiram plotline. It’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. First, Hiram’s big diabolical plan is to create more prison jobs, then he wants to turn an entire town into his personal meth lab. I ASK YOU: WHERE DOES THE MADNESS END. Kelly Ripa, please invest your money in some other show and leave ours alone. I’m begging you.
I love that all Archie needs is an L.L. Bean vest and he’s at peace with himself. Like, he is living his best cabin life, and I’m shocked things are working out so well for him. Whatever. I’m just glad the dog is still alive.
Wait. I may have spoken too soon here. Three seconds into Archie’s blissful cabin life he’s… mauled by a grizzly bear?? I’m sorry, but WHAT?? I mean, we don’t actually see the mauling (shame); we just see Archie looking shocked for a second and then the scene cuts to him radioing for help with massive cuts down his chest. All I have to say is, wow. The lengths The CW will go to to incorporate a shirtless scene for Archie where there should not be one is wild. I applaud their efforts.
Also, what’s the deal with the radios? Who is he even talking to? I thought he was supposed to be living off the grid! Who wants to bet that the person on the other end of the line is a hot girl? It would not surprise me in the slightest if that even in utter seclusion Archie has somehow managed to get laid.
Back in Riverdale, Veronica is just trying to run an entire bar and maybe show up to homeroom this week, but Hiram keeps f*cking it up. His thugs keep stealing her booze, and he wants her to hire him for protection. I guess in addition to commandeering entire town, he’s also taken up shaking down underage kids while wearing a fabulous fur coat. Jesus Christ. Kelly Ripa wrote this scene, I just f*cking know it. The fur jacket is her calling card.
Meanwhile, Jughead finds out that The Serpents are dealing Fizzle Rocks and he calls an emergency meeting in Riverdale’s version of Hooverville. Seriously, Jughead is using an abandoned La-Z-Boy as his throne. I can’t.
Fangs is like, “There’s no money coming in, how are we supposed to feed ourselves?” Um, IDK, maybe your parents?? Or, like, the government?? Like, he’s under 18. Surely this lawless town has some sort of system in place to protect unaccompanied minors? Also, I love that Jughead, who is literally the same age as Fangs, is doling out judgments and punishments over here. Like, Fangs, look around you buddy. You’re living in an abandoned field and taking orders from the president of the newspaper club. Please, dear GOD, just find a real adult already!
Cut to Archie, who is having some sort of fever dream from his extensive grizzly bear wounds. He wakes up to a room full of dead people trying to play boards game with him. He’s like “I’m hallucinating” and it’s like, no, the writers of this show are hallucinating if they think I’m just going to buy this bullsh*t for one more goddamn second!
THE RIVERDALE WRITERS ROOM: We’ll put Archie in a fever dream and set him up with a vision quest. It’s weird, but he’ll be shirtless. Fans will love it!
Veronica and Jughead come up with a solution to solve both their problems. Veronica doesn’t want to give her dad a single penny of her speakeasy money even though she lives under his roof and he’s probably paying her cellphone bill. Relatable. She decides to hire The Serpents as protection instead.
Jughead’s like, “This is so great now you guys will have a stable income!!,” and it’s like, okay, but HOW much is Veronica paying these people? Like, what do you mean “a steady income”? This bitch is 17! I was thinking like paying one guy $12 an hour and Jughead is making it sound like they’ll make enough money to cover Fang’s mom’s cancer treatment. Is she also supplying health insurance? How much money can she possibly be making serving mocktails and marketing a keg of Natty Lite as artisanal beer?
Before Veronica can hire any Serpents, she wants Jughead to get back the v expensive egg Cheryl and TT stole from her dad, which is like the richest request I’ve ever heard. Cheryl doesn’t want to give the egg back, though, because she needs it to keep the lights on at her mansion. Lol k.
CHERYL: I’m not afraid of Hiram. What’s he gonna do? Call the sheriff? There is no sheriff!
Out of the mouths of Cheryl! Riverdale is a godless town.
Jughead banishes Fangs, Cheryl, and Toni from The Serpents because they’re sullying the Serpent name with their criminal behavior. K. So, let me get this straight. They get to leave the tent city and not take orders from someone who just started shaving last semester? I mean, who really won here?
Lol Archie’s vision quest wants him to play more guitar. There’s no doubt in my mind he’s going to use this whole experience as material for the next school talent show. God help us all.
The gargoyle gang attacks Veronica’s shipment again and it’s all very Robin Hood. Like, is that a wagon hauling their booze down that dirt path? They are aware that this is the 21st century and they can use, like, the highway to get places, right? Also, this is so extra, even for Veronica.
After defeating Hiram’s thugs, Jughead declares that “Riverdale hasn’t fallen yet” and I absolutely beg to differ. Riverdale has fallen somewhere very dark and I’m scared to follow. Someone please save this show from itself.
Meanwhile, Archie is still struggling with his vision quest. He’s realizing that the only person responsible for his banishment to Canada is actually himself. Not Hiram or the Black Hood or the diabolical teen fight club, but his own ignorant self. Is this the part where we hang him in the town square? Because that’s the first plotline I’ve supported all season.
ARCHIE: I have to destroy the part of me that’s stupid.
ME: I guess we’re going to be here for a while then.
Back in Riverdale, Veronica is out eye-f*cking Reggie as she headlines her own club. I guess she can’t spring for entertainment anymore if she has to pay for an entire gang’s health insurance. Also, does anyone else feel like this whole Reggie/Veronica storyline was only created because they started dating in real life? This feels extremely random to me. Veronica and Reggie start making out and the camera cuts to Archie who’s…dead?? Like, WHAT. Some cops bust into his cabin and find him deadass on the bed.
Wait that was actually real? Are pigs flying? Have my prayers been answered? ARE WE REALLY DONE WITH ARCHIE? On the one hand, it’s everything I’ve ever asked for. On the other hand, if Archie’s not there to screw up a murder investigation or sleep with the first woman who gives him attention, what will I have to talk to about??
Well pals, I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to see if Archie’s actually dead. I’ll hold off on the bubbly until then. Let’s just pray next week is less of a snooze, amiright?
Images: Giphy (2); @writerras /Instagram (2); The CW (1)
Welcome back to your regularly scheduled Riverdale recap! Last week I wasn’t able to
recap watch Archie ruin his life because, as Sweetest Betch so delicately put it, I didn’t want to. There! Now don’t we all feel better about that? For those of you who noticed my absence and sung my praises in the comments section, feel free to start following me on Instagram. My ego needs inflating there as well. But, much like the strain of chlamydia Archie is surely passing to any girl with a pulse he encounters on his trek to the Canadian border, I’m back and ready to make you extremely uncomfortable.
This week is the midseason finale, so we better get some answers as to wtf is going on with the Gargoyle King, and same goes for Hiram’s diabolical plans for Riverdale. I’m using the term “diabolical” loosely here because I’m sure it will be as evil and well thought out as one of Chad from The Bachelor’s tweets. Now, shall we get started?
This episode starts like every other episode, with Jughead talking sh*t over a montage. He reminds us where we left off last week, and what his idiot friends are doing this week. It’s similar to what I do when I take to my anonymous Twitter account and troll my friend Jessica for thinking she can confide in me without having her personal life blasted on the internet. Amateur.
He’s like “it was a day like any other, the kids were in school…” First of all, Juggy, I’m gonna have to stop you right there. I haven’t seen a student go to “school” on this show in at least 12 episodes. That right there makes this a day UNLIKE any other day. If I see a teacher try and explain an algebraic equation I may pass out.
Kevin pulls Moose aside to dry hump him in an abandoned classroom. Seconds later, the entire River Vixen squad falls to the ground and starts seizing in the middle of the hallway. Yes, this feels more like an average day now.
Cut to the mental hospital where Betty is puking up all the “candy” the nuns shoved down her throat the other day. Sidenote: I know Betty is supposed to be losing it and everything, but the girl has never looked better. Insanity looks great on her.
Meanwhile, Jughead and Archie find sanctuary at Jughead’s mom’s garage? I was wondering if we were ever going to meet the Jones matriarch and the infamous Jelly Bean. I’m dying to know why her parents hated her so much as to name her after the world’s shittiest candy.
Lol. Okay, but why does Jelly Bean looks like an Olsen twin who just got sent to live with the Butkuses?? If we find out Jughead’s other sister Jujubee is living with a rich family on the other side of town then I’m f*cking done.
Tbh the resemblance is uncanny.
Okay, I don’t like this Reggie/Veronica thing The CW is trying to make happen just because the two of them are dating in real life. I mean, is Reggie attractive? Yes. Does he seem to have more than three brain cells to rub together? Also, yes. Would I like to see him shirtless at least 60 percent more of the time? Yes, yes, yes. Okay, wait, maybe I’m more fine with this than I thought.
VERONICA: Jingle Jangle is soooo last year.
REGGIE: Tell me about it. It’s all about
pop rocks fizzle pop now
FIZZLE POP. What kind of subliminal messaging are they trying to send children these days?! Is The CW trying to rebrand crack in 2019 or something??
Wait, so what kind of business is Jughead’s mom running, exactly? Like, is she running a garage or writing fan fic about her son and his redheaded boy toy? Because that Archie comment was v v creepy. “You sure grew up, Archie.” Keep it in your pants, Mrs. Jones!
Back at the nunnery/insane asylum/conversion camp, Betty starts bragging to the other inmates that she’s banging the Gargoyle King. She’s like “we’ve gotten really… close recently.” Yeah, you don’t have to be so coy about it, Betty. Everyone’s seen your webcam porn. Banging a shadow monster isn’t really that much of a stretch for you.
She locks Ethel into a room with the “Gargoyle King” so that when the drugs wear off Ethel will realize she’s just been talking to a statue for the last few weeks. This feels a little bit like payback for Ethel blackmailing Jughead into kissing her, but whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night, Betty!
The CDC starts raiding Riverdale High in the middle of third period. It’s unclear if this has anything to do with the “stress seizures” or if it’s just a Tuesday.
So let me get this straight, Riverdale High is shutting down?? So Hiram can start another drug factory? Like, do these parents WANT their children to be illiterate? I know they’re running their own bars and incorporating wigs and role play into their foreplay but, like, they still have to graduate!
Also, I just don’t understand why Hiram is having such a hard time finding real estate for his drug factories. Must he really continue to shut down high schools? I’m certain there must be another property around for his
meth labs FIZZLE ROCK headquarters.
Cheryl and Veronica crash their parents’ private meeting. I love that four sets of parents are deciding the fate of an entire school district in this abandoned classroom. As if the other parents wouldn’t riot in the streets if there was suddenly not a single high school in the district to send their kids to.
Veronica starts calling Hiram out for his drug empire and no one believes her. To be fair she did stomp her foot halfway through and declare “but daddy!!”
Cheryl wants to know what happened to the rest of her squad who fainted the other day, and it’s a good question. It’s insinuated that they were taken away to be “experimented” on? Again I say, WHERE ARE THE PARENTS? If an entire cheerleading squad disappeared, f*cking PEOPLE magazine and every millennial with a podcast would be down there trying to investigate it.
CHERYL: You mess with the squad, you mess with me.
Please Cheryl for the love of GOD can you just set fire to this entire town and be done with it. I beg of you.
Meanwhile, Archie and Jughead fill in Jug’s mom about the happenings in Riverdale. I’m surprised she’s not taking a bottle of Chardonnay to the face after listening to all of that because that’s absolutely what I’ve been doing this entire season.
RIVERDALE: Gargoyle King. Diabolical teen fight club. Fizzle pop. Dry speakeasy.
Three seconds after Archie declares he’s a fugitive with a hit on his back he takes off on his own, probably to find another hot blonde to tell his entire life story to. He’s immediately accosted by Penny Peabody, who pulls a knife on him. Nevermind that he’s a 17-year-old boy in the prime of his life, but somehow he’s still easily overpowered by a middle-aged woman wearing too much leather. K.
JELLY BEAN: Drop the butter knife, bitch.
This is the best line on this show TO DATE. Because Penny Peabody is in fact holding a butter knife to his neck and Archie def just almost sh*t himself in fear.
Also Archie is the worst fugitive ever. Why don’t you get out of the immediate vicinity of your home, moron?? Like, this is a big world, kid. Stop going the only places Hiram would look for you.
After being taken down BY A PEBBLE, Penny Peabody is taken hostage by Gladys’ crew. Side note: Jughead’s mom looks far too old to have gotten with FP. I mean she’s hot and all, but I’m a little concerned this might have been a teacher and one of her middle school students kind of relationship that I read about in the New York Post all the time. Also, there is no one under the age of 65 named Gladys. I’m just saying.
Betty calls Veronica and lets her know that she’s being held hostage at the Sisters of Quiet Mercy, but it’s chill, because she needed new material for her foreplay with Jughead anyways. She wants Veronica and Cheryl to figure out why Claudius was at the nunnery while she interrogates the head nun in charge.
Jughead’s mom tells them that there’s a huge bounty on Archie’s head—and anyone that’s helped Archie. She’s like “You gotta cut him loose, he’s dead weight.” F*CKING PREACH, GLADYS. I’ve only been saying this for three seasons.
ARCHIE: It’s okay, Jughead. You’ve gotten me this far, I can take care of the rest.
“This far”?? Lol aren’t they only, like, 20 miles outside of the town? Also, in the three miles they’ve ventured outside the Riverdale city limits, Archie has almost gotten himself killed twice before Jughead or one of his immediate relatives had to intervene. And we actually think he’s going to make it to the Canadian border by himself? He’ll probably twist his ankle after walking 300 feet, not be able to get back up, and starve to death. Sighs. A girl can certainly dream!
Cut to Betty, who has a woman of God strapped to a chair and is interrogating her. If the wigs and the internet porn weren’t damnation enough, Betty is CERTAINLY going to hell now. The nun says that G&G was a game made up by some insane teenagers as a way to cope with the world, which is funny because if I’m not mistaken that’s exactly how the creators of Riverdale came up with this godforsaken show.
Cheryl and Veronica are in the middle of their own interrogation. They’ve got Penelope tied to a chair and are waterboarding her with maple syrup. Waterboarding. Her. With. Maple. Syrup. I’m sorry, but are the Riverdale writers on fizzle pop too?? Or are we just tossing all semblances of reality out the window?
Jesus. Penelope just started licking her lips and it’s uncomfortably sexual. I want to call the police on whoever wrote this scene.
Gladys calls FP and Fred to come over to her garage to talk some sense into their moron sons. What a narc. But also good choice, because I shudder to think of what their next life choice might have been.
FP: Can I get a hug?
JELLY BEAN: Can I get a dad?
No, but you certainly have a zaddyyyyy.
F*CKING BE APPRECIATIVE, JELLY BEAN.
Cut to the Sisters of Quiet Mercy, where Betty is dressing up in cosplay to convince a bunch of unhinged teenage girls to escape the asylum. First of all, this town does not need one more unhinged teenager running amok. The 12 this show already revolves around are more than enough.
Second of all, it’s getting way too easy for these kids to break out of places. Like, was that one nun the only one in charge there? Where are the other adults? I thought there would be at least one other adult on the premises to stop the breakout. Apparently not.
OMG. Wait. Is Archie really leaving?? Have pigs flown? Has Hell frozen over? Are all my hopes and dreams coming true?? Damn, should I try actually responding to my messages on Hinge now?
Veronica and Cheryl show up at Hermione’s office and try and kick her out of office. As if deposing a government official could ever be this easy. Hermione’s like “I’m sorry, Veronica, but this isn’t a democracy, this is a cheerocracy and I’m overruling you.” Is this the part where V calls her a cheer-tator and a pain in her ass?
Also, lol what “order” went out? That all crime is legal? Is THAT the diabolic plan? Hiram is turning Riverdale into a mini Purge?
Hiram decides to quarantine the entire town AS IF A GOVERNOR WOULD GO ALONG WITH THIS!!!! HAS ANYONE WRITING FOR THE CW EVER LIVED ON PLANET EARTH. Like, who is coming up with these plot points? Did Kelly Ripa blackmail @writerras into using her son’s screenplay in addition to getting her husband a starring role? What. Is. Happening.
Okay, I’m done. I have to go take slow, relaxing breaths until January 15th when this stain upon the earth otherwise known as Riverdale finally returns from winter break. BYE.
Images: Giphy (4); @writerras /Instagram (1); @thecwriverdale /Instagram (1); @skeetme1 /Instagram (1); The CW (3)
After a brief hiatus, Riverdale is back
on its bullsh*t to its regularly scheduled programing. Thank god. I don’t know what I’m more grateful for this year: my health and happiness or that Archie might be dying from his brand wound. Lol like I have health or happiness. Now, if you’ll recall, in the last episode five members of Riverdale High’s junior class managed to break Archie out of prison with nothing but a blonde wig and a stink bomb. A BLONDE WIG AND A STINK BOMB. If you think that sounds ridiculous and far-fetched, that’s because it absolutely is. What can I say? I don’t write the show; I just watch it. God help me. And on that note, shall we find out how far the Riverdale writers are going to stretch the realm of reality this episode?
The episode starts with a close up of Archie’s abs, lest we forget what he’s good for on this show. No need, CW, I know exactly how far KJ Apa’s acting abilities stretch!
Archie is still chilling in Dilton’s bunker/Bughead’s sex den with some sort of fever? Idk. He’s sweating and breathing heavy so he’s either trying to rub his remaining two brain cells together or his classmates did a sh*tty job of taking care of his branding wound. So you can solve town murders, break someone out of prison, AND make honor roll but your triage skills are only average? I guess you really can’t have it all, can you Betty?
Oh right I totally forgot about Jughead seeing the Gargoyle King last episode. He runs into the bunker and tells Betty what he saw, but it’s suspect at best. If the writers of this show want me to believe that Jughead actually saw a supernatural being and not just a manifestation of his cocaine addiction, then they need to try harder.
Betty comes home and Alice is only mildly concerned that her 17-year-old daughter has been missing for 48 hours. I feel like Alice is being way too chill about this. My mother has been known to Facebook message my boss about my whereabouts if I don’t return her calls by the time I get to work, and I’m 26.
ALICE: Did you help break your friend out of prison last night?
BETTY: No, I was just with Jughead all night.
I’M SORRY BUT IS THAT BETTER?? Lol remember when Alice used to get outraged over Betty wearing red lipstick and now she doesn’t even bat an eye when Betty says she’s been out fornicating with her boyfriend for two days? Simpler times.
Back at the bunker, Archie and Veronica are still banging on every visible surface. First Betty and Jughead, now Archie and Veronica. Please tell me someone is washing those sheets in between uses.
Archie wants to go find the guys that Hiram paid off to lie about Archie being at the crime scene, and it’s like ARE YOU STUPID BRO?? Literally the entire town is out sharpening their pitchforks over your ass rn and you think it’s a good time for a road trip? You know what, Archie? You deserve prison. Bye.
Cut to Riverdale High where the Sheriff is interrogating a room full of minors (without their parents’ consent!!!) about Archie’s escape. He’s like “if you helped him escape then there will be no more football practice or music rooms for you. Just prison.” First of all, I know for a fact that the Riverdale juvenile detention center has both football AND a music room, so you’re gonna have to try harder than that to break these kids.
He starts in on Josie and she immediately starts to seize. Why do I feel like it’s going to come out that this is another “stress seizure” induced from too much Adderall? I love that the writers of this show are like “it’s chill to bang your boyfriend in a prison locker room but just don’t do Adderall!! It’s a slippery slope.”
Lol I forgot about the tent city. Sweet Pea’s like “they’re tearing apart the city looking for Archie!!” and it’s like, no, sweetie. They’re just lifting up some tent flaps. This is not so much a city as it is dumpster site, but okay.
Okay, wait. Betty’s master plan for getting all the parents to tell the truth is to lure them to Veronica’s lame club with fake invitations. That’s it? I love how they’re all like “damn it, she got us.” I’m sorry, but, like, is there a gun to your head? No?? Then just f*cking leave! It’s not like you’re being held against your will! You’re adults, for god’s sake!
I think it’s funny that Betty still refers to Hiram, the man who imprisoned her friend and set metaphorical fire to everything her boyfriend knows and loves, as “Mr. Lodge.” Always so polite.
Hiram basically tells Betty to f*ck off and that he’s a very busy man and doesn’t have time to play Law and Order with his daughter’s best friend. THANK YOU, HIRAM. That’s what I’ve been saying here!
Okay, WHAT. Penelope says that Dilton Doily’s dad poisoned the principal back in high school, which feels super convenient because he’s dead now.
FP finds Jughead and handcuffs him to the fridge so he won’t play any more board games behind his back. FP is all “you sound like an addict, Jughead!” And it’s, like, maybe he is one though? Because that would make way more sense than the tree creature thing.
Meanwhile, Veronica is off running her one-woman innocence project. She’s determined to prove Archie’s innocence by homecoming. Anything for the Instagram, amiright, Veronica?
She finds some doctored video footage that could get Archie released and prove that Hiram bribed the witnesses to say Archie was the murderer. And by “could get released” I mean only in this REALM OF ABSURDITY because the evidence is flimsy at best. I would love to see her plead this case in front of a judge: “but the coffee cup was empty, your honor!!”
VERONICA: *finds evidence once*
Cut to Archie, who did in fact leave the safety of the bunker and is off with Kevin to track down the witnesses. But don’t worry, people, he is wearing a disguise! A sweatshirt and a RED baseball cap that perfectly accentuates his flaming head, but a disguise nonetheless!! God I bet his parents wish they had never procreated.
Jughead tracks down Joaquin and starts interrogating him like a sister who had her shirt borrowed. There’s a lot of empty threats and hair pulling. Honestly, I expected more from a gang leader, but fine. Joaquin says that the warden was forced to play G&G too and that Archie had to die, which is literally everything they already knew. Jughead, maybe you should try saying you’ll tell mom if he doesn’t confess! That always worked for me.
Joaquin says that the warden met with “a man in a suit” and everyone thinks that means Hiram because I guess he’s the only one who wears those kinds of things. Jughead goes to confront him and I seriously hope he has another plan for getting information out of Hiram other than the “just please tell me” strategy he was using before.
JUGHEAD: You’re more than just a Kingpin, you’re the Gargoyle King.
Lol. First of all, I think it’s a stretch to call Hiram a “Kingpin” of anything. I’ve literally seen more frightening people on New Jersey transit. It doesn’t help that every time I look at Hiram all I can think is “Kelly Ripa paid for this role for you.”
Elsewhere, Betty is killing time at the coroner’s office. Like, can’t you just hang out in a mall or something? Why are you like this?
Also, calling it right now, the coroner is the Gargoyle King. That man and his shifty eyes are way too creepy to not be involved somehow. He tells Betty that Doily Sr. didn’t die of a suicide but was poisoned. Why he’s telling a high school junior anything other than “I’m calling your mom” is beyond me, but okay.
Archie and Kevin find the witnesses in a super sketchy cave. It’s unclear as to why this is the first place they thought to look. And before you come @ me in the comments, I’m sure this was explained at some point in the episode but every time Archie comes on screen I have a habit of blocking it out.
All of the witnesses are dead except one and OF COURSE Archie wants to him to a hospital. Do you know what it is to be a fugitive? You’re supposed to lay low. Not get in the middle of another murder investigation!!
OMG WHAT. Joaquin is dead?? Jughead finds him in the middle of
Hooverville Serpent territory with blue lips and a bloody symbol on his head. Honestly, it looks less like he was poisoned and more like he experimented with a Kylie lip kit, but I’ll let Jughead be the judge of what happened.
Okay, but why does Betty have to turn every family dinner into an interrogation? She comes home, finds Alice cooking dinner, and immediately starts in on her for covering up the Doily murder.
BETTY: Care to explain why you covered up another murder?
ALICE: CAN I LIVE?
MY GOD Betty, let the woman live! She’s over here making a three course meal, and your ungrateful ass is still hung up on this crime? At least she didn’t actually murder anybody this time (probably).
OH SH*T. The power goes out mid-interrogation and the Gargoyle King is in their goddamn house. IN THE HOUSE. They run upstairs and lock themselves in Betty’s room only to find some v disturbing makeshift grave on her bed.
Okay, but why does FP not look at all surprised that the tree monster showed up for dessert? Alice is, like, losing it and shouting at him about the Gargoyle King and he’s looking sketchy AF. Did you throw the pig’s blood on Betty’s bed? It’s not like she didn’t deserve it!
Wait, is Alice having Betty committed?? To the Sisters of Quiet Mercy?! I’m pretty sure you can’t just commit someone for being a morbid bitch, otherwise I’d be wearing a straitjacket rn.
Archie tells Veronica that he isn’t coming back to Riverdale because even though his name has been cleared he’s still afraid of her daddy. Also, this little goodbye speech of his is simultaneously making me want to cry myself to sleep and set fire to anyone with a Y chromosome. Like, what kind of f*ckboy-ery is this?? He’s all “you’re perfect for me, which is why I need to be in a different state from you.”
VERONICA: but we’re end game.
I’m not crying, you’re crying!
Wait does this mean Archie is off the show now? *crosses fingers and toes* WAIT WHY IS JUGHEAD GOING WITH HIM TOO THOUGH?? We can’t lose both heartthrobs in one episode! Do you know how many teenage girls (and myself) are about to fling themselves off a building over this?
Also, if Jughead is gone then who is going to save Betty from the conversion camp her mother just threw her in? Welp, only time will tell. See you betches next week, where it appears Archie is going to mourn his breakup with the “love of his life” by hooking up with random farm hoes. Kisses!
Images: Giphy (3); The CW (3); @writerras /Instagram (2)
Welcome back, people, to another thrilling episode of Riverdale! And by “thrilling” I mean ridiculous and utterly beyond the scope of reality but, hey, isn’t that why we
sh*t talk love this show? Last episode we learned that high school Alice looked better in a crop top during her second trimester of pregnancy than I do after ingesting a big gulp of air, and also that every parent in Riverdale was super into G&G back in the day. The principal was mysteriously murdered during one of their LARPing play dates and now everyone thinks G&G is the devil’s game. And if that sounds like utter nonsense to you THAT’S BECAUSE IT IS. And on that note, shall we get to recapping?
Okay, right away I know this episode is about to be lit. The opening scenes are Jughead getting high off dragon porn and board games (I paraphrase) and Archie planning his escape from Juvie. Lol. I love that the other inmates are relying on Archie to be the brains of this operation. I mean, this is a kid whose banking password is probably 1234 and you think he’s gonna get you to the promised land? Seriously?
Lol, so his big escape plan is to just make a run for the gates while the guards’ backs are turned? In broad daylight? THAT’S IT?? That’s not a plan! That’s barely even a thought process.
Predictably the guards immediately foil Archie’s “plan” by OPENING FIRE on a bunch of minors. This is such a gross miscarriage of justice, I can’t. Like where is the Innocence Project/sorority philanthropy Veronica humble-bragged about starting up? Hmm?
Archie looks shocked that his plan didn’t work. Tbh I also didn’t expect the people looking after delinquent children to bring assault rifles to yard time.
Cut to Dilton’s bunker, where Betty is trying to figure wtf is going on with Jughead. He’s v deep into G&G and thinks that if he plays the game he’ll be able to figure out who the game master is and solve all the murders. At least that’s what I gather is coming out of his mouth because all I’m hearing is “troll this” and “dragon that” and “Dumbledore in the astronomy tower with the elder wand.” SPEAK ENGLISH, MAN.
Okay, WHAT. The warden has Archie shirtless and strapped to a bed. It’s like Betty and Jughead’s foreplay except the warden has a goddamn fire poker. Is he going to brand him?! I didn’t realize the NXIVM cult had a chapter at this prison.
Meanwhile, back at Riverdale High, Betty is catching the whole crew up on Alice’s story minus mentioning all the sex Alice was having. Honestly, those five seconds Betty spoke on screen could have summed up last week’s episode entirely. Sighs.
REGGIE: I don’t buy it. There’s no way my dad dressed up in cosplay and hung out with a bunch of lame-ass nerds.
THANK YOU, REGGIE. That is what I’ve been trying to say here!
Betty tells them that they have to investigate their parents but, like, subtly. All her friends are f*cking shook that their parents could be murderers and Betty is just like “so?” Yeah, I can imagine that discovering the same person who gave you life is also poisoning half the town would sound like a Tuesday in Betty’s world.
Okay, Jughead is f*cking losing it. FP confronts him about playing G&G and he’s acting like he just caught Jughead doing lines in the bathroom, which would actually explain his insane behavior rn.
FP: What did I say about playing that board game of sin? Put that game away right now!
Let the boy live, FP!
Meanwhile, Veronica hires her friend/child of the mob to help her infiltrate the prison. He finds a way to sneak her into Fight Club despite the fact that she’s been banned from stepping foot on the premise and her picture was handed out to the entire security team. But it’s chill because she’s wearing a wig!
They bring out the fighters and Veronica immediately spots Archie. She’s like “I’d recognize those abs anywhere!” Yes, well, wouldn’t we all, Veronica. I think it’s against his contract to be fully clothed for longer than one scene.
MY GOD it cannot be this easy for a 17-year-old in a wig to track down her incarcerated boyfriend. It just can’t. She finds him after the fight in the locker room completely alone and is like “I’ve only got about 20 minutes that should be enough time for a quickie, no?”
They start going at it against the lockers and it’s like if Archie is unsupervised long enough to raw dog his girlfriend in the bathroom then maybe he could escape now?? No?? Just me? K.
Lol scratch that. Veronica also comes to the same conclusion that they could easily break Archie out after one of his fights. Clearly all they need is a wig and a 20 minute bathroom break.
Archie’s like “yeah, yeah, that could work but have you seen The Shawshank Redemption? Let’s do that.” He wants to tunnel out through the drain underneath the fighting ring instead and it’s just like, why are you making this harder then it has to be?
ME: *listens to scheme to break Archie out of prison that makes no logistical sense* *knows they’re screwed*
Veronica asks all her friends to help her bust Archie out of prison and she’s acting like she just asked them to take notes for her in biology or something. Like, bitch, this is a big ask!
VERONICA: He’s mixed up in some sort of diabolical teen fight club and we have to help him!
ALSO VERONICA: Get in loser, we’re committing a felony.
Cut to the prison, where the warden invites Archie to his last meal on earth, which is literally what I tell myself my $60 Seamless order is when I’ve decided my diet starts tomorrow.
Lol I love how candid this guy is being with Archie. He’s like “what can I do Hiram hates you.” WHAT CAN YOU DO. Also, he does realize that Archie has two loving parents, one of whom is a lawyer, who would certainly notice if their son just randomly died while incarcerated, right? Like, there’s no way he’s getting away with this.
During their little dinner he tells Archie all about how Hiram set him up for murder. Apparently Hiram paid off all the witnesses with 10 grand each. He’s like “you’re life is only worth $30,000 how do you feel about that” and, honestly, I thought it would be worth less. Good for you, Archie!
Archie’s getting ready for his fight when Joaquin randomly shows up and starts kissing Archie?? Ah, so that whole “give me your shoes” thing was a metaphor for butt stuff. Got it.
OMG. HOLY SH*T. Just as I’m thinking Archie might throw Joaquin against the lockers for another locker room quickie, Joaquin shivs him! They drag Archie out to fight with an open wound and it’s not looking great for him.
Also, weirdly Jughead predicted all of this? He’s acting v v creepy and I don’t like it. Like, what is Jughead on? Did he eat future-telling mushrooms or something? Is that part of the game??
Lol. The kids are three seconds into the great escape and the door guy is already calling bullsh*t on Veronica and her plan. Like, it is step one and it’s already all going to hell.
BOUNCER: That’s not the password
But she has a wig, sir!!
Betty is also ready to start some sh*t and I know this because she showed up to the escape plan party wearing all leather and her Serpents jacket. Subtle.
The guards bring Archie out into the ring and it looks like he has to fight Mad Dog?? What? He’s alive?? And looking like a goddamn snack??
*camera pans to hooded figure*
ME: I would recognize those abs anywhere.
Mad Dog, call me!
Veronica runs into Hiram right as the escape is about to go down and this has to be the part where the whole thing gets cancelled. Has to.
OKAY. WHAT. Apparently all Veronica has to do to take Hiram out of the equation is to step on his toe. Is this real? He’s a grown-ass man and a hardened criminal and yet you’re telling me he goes down after a stubbed toe? The man has done jail time! Veronica throws a stink bomb (?) into the ring and Hiram just watches it happen. He’s not even limping, for god sakes! He could totally end this!
Mad Dog tells Archie to run, that he’ll hold off the armed guards. He’s like “I can’t fit in that grate!” and it’s like you don’t even want to try tho?? I have a feeling he’s not going to make it and I’m pissed. The CW would kill off the only level-headed hot guy to ever be on this godforsaken show so that Archie can live.
Archie gets away but this whole thing is very weird. The warden keeps calling Archie the Red Paladin, which is exactly what Jughead has been calling Archie in the quest he wrote for G&G. So is the warden playing G&G too? WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE.
The gang is able to patch Archie up rather quickly despite the fact that he was stabbed with an object that was probs carved out of a tooth brush. K. Also, we finally get a good look at the warden’s brand and why does it look like the tattoo my sorority sister regretting getting on her junior year spring break? Like, is that the Chinese symbol for “live, laugh, love”?
Jughead thinks it’s a symbol from G&G and honestly this is not a good luck for him. He’s acting INSANE. Sort of like me after after I’ve sifted through Making A Murderer conspiracy theories for 6+ hours.
The episode ends with the warden chugging cyanide (casual) and Jughead taking more mushrooms (I assume) and seeing the Gargoyle King. I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to see if Jughead is actually going insane or if Riverdale is adding “Tree Monster” to their cast list. Byeeeee.
Images: Giphy (4); @writerras /Instagram (2); The CW (2)
It’s Wednesday, which means I’m back on my bullsh*t, but luckily so are the writers of Riverdale. That’s right, people, after a brief hiatus Riverdale is BACK and
better than ever still ripping off content from classic movies. Last episode it was The Shawshank Redemption and this week it looks like it’s going to be The Breakfast Club. What a treat we are in for, people! On that note, shall we just dive right in?
If you’ll recall, when last we left off, FP and Alice burned the “only copy” of G&G left on this earth. Lol. I believe that about as much as I believe that Betty isn’t into light choking. Of course, literally the next day every kid in school has a copy.
I guess this week the adults in Riverdale are actually going to do their goddamn jobs because they start confiscating G&G manuals from kids left and right. Also, I love that this is where the adults decide to draw the line. High schoolers banging their cousins? Fine. Letting the cheer squad preform soft core porn in front of inmates? Also fine. But god forbid the kids get a little crazy and decide to unwind with a board game. GOD FORBID.
Cut to Betty, who is pissed that no one will tell her wtf is going on with this G&G game. Like, why is this girl always trying to get in the middle of a murder investigation? Seriously, she can only use “solved my classmate’s murder” so many times on her college apps.
I’m sorry, but did that coroner just honest to god dial Betty’s extension at THE HIGH SCHOOL to give her classified details about confidential case files? Did he?! Does anyone in this godforsaken town realize that she’s not actually a journalist, just a very nosy high school junior? Her investigative credentials are about as legit as mine are after watching 12 hours of Law & Order: SVU. Child please.
Betty finds out that someone died in a very G&G kind of way back when her mom was in high school so she confronts her about it. Betty’s like “If you don’t tell me what’s going on I’m just going to keep digging!” Lol. I love that when she threatens her mother it’s over covering up murders, but when I do it it’s over tagging me in posts on Facebook. To each their own, I guess.
Cut to Riverdale circa 1990-something where crazily enough, all the parents look exactly like their children! The genetics in this town are insane. And it’s definitely not at all suspicious that the parents who don’t have a child to be their double are conveniently left out of this flashback story. Not at all.
OKAY WHAT. Did they just confirm the the prom baby is FP’s?? Just like that? Are you f*cking kidding me? I hate that they just keep dropping these bombs on us without any
nude scenes cinematic evidence of it happening. I’ve only been aggressively asking to see FP shirtless for three seasons now, but it’s chill.
Young FP, Fred Andrews, Mayor McCoy, Penelope, Hermione, and Alice all end up in detention together, where I’m sure they’ll have to write a letter about who they think they are but end up finding themselves in the process.
ALICE: We were six strangers who were forced to spend a Saturday together. But what we didn’t know is that our lives would be changed forever.
I love how forward thinking and innovative these show writers are. Seriously, what a unique plot line!!
Lol Alice describing FP as a “stud muffin” to her daughter. She’s like “
the sex was hot he was different back then, ya know?” Oh, I think she knows, Alice. The girl likes to put on a black wig and boil her potential suitors in a hot tub. She’s picking up what you’re putting down.
Annnddd we’re flashing back again. They parents are playing some sort of “sins & secrets” game where they’re being wayyyy too honest about their lives to complete strangers. Like, the only way I’d be this honest with a stranger is after a bottle and a half of wine.
It’s becoming clear that the parents are just as f*cked up and ridiculous as their children. The apple doesn’t fall far, I guess. Here’s what we learn from this game of Sins & Secrets:
- Mayor McCoy and Sheriff Keller have been getting it since high school! Which reminds me, why tf haven’t we seen Sheriff Keller’s abs since season one? We have to sit through Archie being shirtless 40 minutes of every episode but The CW can’t throw us one shirtless DILF scene?
- Fred Andrews is also a wannabe musician/athlete! It’s almost like he’s exactly Archie but with brown hair. Crazy.
- FP doesn’t want to turn into his dad: a deadbeat drunk and member of The Serpents. Okay, now that one is just sad.
Okay, WHAT. Penelope’s secret is literally batsh*t. I didn’t catch this at first, but apparently she’s always been a Blossom and not just by marriage.
PENELOPE: And then the Blossoms rounded up all the redheads in the orphanage and brought me home to be Clifford’s sister and also his future wife.
Hermione’s like “that’s disgusting, that’s basically incest!” and it’s like, girl, do not even get me started. Adoptive siblings banging each other is the least incest-y thing I’ve seen on this show to date.
So the kids find a G&G manual. I was wondering when Alice was going to stop talking about all the sex her and FP had back in the day and actually get to the point of this episode. I was worried they were going to blatantly plagiarize The Breakfast Club for no reason.
Alice keeps talking about how dangerous and addictive this game can be but it just looks really, really nerdy. I don’t understand how posing as witches and elves and princesses and knights leads to murder/suicide. It feels like a stretch, even by CW standards.
Penelope decides to bring the game to live action and is this the part when everyone starts drinking poison? WHERE. IS. THE. DANGER. She splits the group up into pairs: FP and Hermione, and Alice and Fred.
YOUNG MAYOR MCCOY: Why would you do that?
PENELOPE: I’m in the mood for chaos.
Yasssss queen. I’m loving that Penelope likes to ruin lives as much as her daughter does.
Okay, did Alice hook up with literally everyone in Riverdale? Young PREGNANT Alice starts making out with young Fred and Betty’s like “mom seriously?” Yes, ALICE, seriously??
Side note: I love that she can’t stop talking about the glory days. Like half this episode is Alice talking about all the sex she used to have.
Okay, young FP/Jughead/Cole Sprouse looks fiiiiiine in this episode. He’s running around with the gang with a plastic sword and wearing a fake fur vest and honey I am here for it.
Here. for. it.
Apparently they aren’t the only out of control teens dressing up in cosplay and larping on the weekend–the rest of the popular kids are too! Seriously, CW? This is a hard pill to swallow. Like, harder than levitating babies and Riverdale’s understanding of the justice system. I do not for one f*cking second believe that high school jocks would willingly dress up in medieval garb unless a gun was pointed at their head. Please.
They team up to form a super nerd group and throw an ascension party to celebrate being deep AF into their nerdom. Jesus this episode took such a weird turn. Young Hiram shows up to the party and offers everyone illegal drugs. Typical Hiram. Glad to see he never changes.
Alice is like “and this is the part where everyone went insane” but it’s literally just a bunch of high schoolers playing musical instruments after curfew. Again, when does all the murder start happening??
Since Alice is pregnant she doesn’t take the drugs, but she does keep wearing those crop tops. A bold choice. She goes to throw up while everyone is getting lit and sees some v disturbing writing on the wall telling her to play flip cup with some chalices. I paraphrase. My favorite is that she legit thinks about it. WHILE SHE’S PREGNANT. Alice, you are wild girlfriend.
Alice is like “I’m too pregnant for this sh*t” and Irish exits right as the principal is rolling up on the scene. The next morning she goes looking for all her friends to see if the principal busted their asses.
Okay, weird. Hermione says she never ran into the principal but Fred’s dad died that night. It’s not really where I saw this episode going, but okay.
OH SH*T. They find the principal weeks later and he’s dead under the steps with blue lips. Same as Dilton Doily. I find the principal’s death less shocking than the fact that Alice is STILL fitting into those crops tops. Seriously, how far along is she? She has to be at least a few months, no? My weight fluctuates more between a Friday at 5PM and a Friday at 2AM, but okay.
I guess the group falls apart after the whole murdered principal thing because they all go their separate ways. Fred sells his guitar and all his dreams of becoming the next town troubadour. Hermione gets with Hiram and starts wearing a lot of black silk. Mayor McCoy and Sheriff Keller break up. FP learns to love beer. Alice is still wearing crops tops but, like, preppy ones now. And Penelope decides to sleep with her brother. Yeah, I’m pretty sure G&G didn’t f*ck you up, kids. Your own life choices did…
Cut to the present and Betty is like “I have questions tho.” One of those questions better be about what FP was like in the bedroom, Betty….
Okay, so now Betty wants to investigate Principal Featherhead’s death and Dilton and Benjamin Button’s suicides. Does this b*tch not have homework to do or something??
ALICE: Please promise me you won’t investigate this.
SHE IS NOT A REAL DETECTIVE, ALICE. My god. Ground her ass! You have all the power here, woman.
Betty goes off to find Jughead and tell him about their parents’
Breakfast Club Midnight Club. She finds him in Dilton’s bunker playing G&G with some people and looking INSANE. Like, is he playing a nerdy board game or did he just snort a line of coke? ‘Cause I’m not buying that that behavior is from a game.
And on that note, I’m outtie, Betches! I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to see if Jughead is forming a new drug problem or if he’s just getting into cosplay. Only time will tell!
Images: Giphy (4); @writerras /Instagram (1); @riverdaleisadrug /Instagram (1); The CW (2)