Besides rabbits, let’s face it, no one really gets excited about salads. They’re green, ew, and healthy, also ew. To be honest, salads were never really my thing, but then I saw the Kardashians eating a giant-ass salad, so I ate a giant-ass salad, and gained a fresh perspective. Long gone are the days of ordering simple, delicate, and boring af side salads so your date doesn’t *gasp* think you actually have a healthy appetite. Today, ordering a salad doesn’t mean you’ll have to disappoint your taste buds. I’ve tested it, and it is actually possible to have a salad that doesn’t drive you to tears. Say goodbye to your basic supermarket salad, and feast your eyes on the many ways to make your salad not basic.
Make It Insta-Worthy
An essential step into making your meal appealing is to make it not look so sad. You eat with your eyes first, which gives a whole new meaning to the song “Hungry Eyes.” So make your salad worthy of not just eating, but most importantly, posting. Because let’s be real, half the reason for eating a salad is to brag that you are eating a salad.
Pretend your salad is a bag of skittles and get ready to taste the rainbow. Think of it this way, adding a variety of color into your bowl means you may actually get away with a true #nofilter. Remember, we’re giving life back to your salad, so it’s time to think outside the mixing bowl. Tomatoes don’t have to be red and peppers don’t have to be green. Shoot for the stars, kids.
Also, there’s a reason presentation is a third of the judging on Chopped. Plating is essential. Once you have nailed down the ingredients, the next step is to display them in true influencer fashion. Chic and stylish. The best advice? Layer, don’t toss. Martha Stewart probably said that once. What it means is to lay all your vibrant fixings atop of your greens versus mixing them in to start. You can always toss it all once you’re ready to devour, just get the glamour shot first.
Get Creative With Your Crunch
It’s time to ditch the classic crouton. It’s like the guy you went on a date with that wouldn’t stop talking about his “sick Mustang”…boring. Seriously, there are so many better
boys toppings out there. Dream with me here. This is the time to go nuts, literally. Nuts are not only a great way to add texture, but they are a rich source of protein. Walnuts have heart-healthy omega-3 fatty acids, which benefits your cholesterol. Sliced almonds are another first-class nut to add into the mix; they’re full of vitamin E and promote healthy digestion. Not a nut person? Not a problem. Seeds may sound like bird food, but you seriously haven’t experienced joy until you’ve had a salad with pumpkin seeds with watermelon, arugula, and feta cheese. Trust me on this—you can thank me later by commenting fire emojis on all my Instagram pictures. Lastly, but certainly not least: cheese. More specifically, crispy parmesan bits. Delicious on their own, and a serious upgrade to traditional croutons.
Superfoods And Healthy Fats
Adding superfoods and healthy fats into the mix will actually help make you feel full, and not crave a deep dish pizza immediately after. Superfoods, aka annoyingly healthy foods, and healthy fats, aka not bacon, give you the nutritional boost that your body desperately needs. If you are anything like me and are treating your body like a temple, then Temple must also be the name of your go-to nightclub. Your body is craving omega-3s, protein, and fiber; give them to it.
Nuts make another beneficial appearance, by helping to burn calories and satisfying you better than your ex (sorry not sorry, Trevor). Also, avocados are not just for toast. They can lower cholesterol levels, boost anti-inflammatory properties, and improve vascular health. Basically, adding avocados is an avoca-duh (I’m a professional, and I stand by that pun). Now, olive oil is a staple in most salad dressings, and for a good reason. It contains anti-inflammatory properties and antioxidants, everything you need in order to dress for success. Yes, that was another salad pun, and no, I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon.
Time For A DIY
Time to channel your inner Martha Stewart, Bobby Flay, or Guy Fieri. If those names failed to inspire you, then you can insert your favorite cooking show cliche here.
Kale Salad With Lemon Vinaigrette: (servings: 4, effort level: 10 minutes)
- 4 cups chopped kale
- 1 avocado, diced
- ½ cup cooked quinoa
- ½ cup pomegranate arils
- ½ cup chopped walnuts
- ¼ cup crumbled goat cheese
- ¼ cup olive oil
- ¼ cup apple cider vinegar
- 3 tablespoons lemon juice
- zest of 1 lemon
- 1 tablespoon sugar
Mix the vinaigrette ingredients together, and assemble your salad components in a bowl, and remember what Martha Stewart probably once said, layer, don’t toss. Next, take a picture so all this was worth it, and then eat it, or don’t, but you probably should just eat it.
In conclusion, eat a salad, it won’t kale you (last one, I promise).
The pursuit of fucking amazing skin is (I assume) at the top of every betch’s list (that, and being skinny without trying). Like, being able to roll out of bed, throw on some mascara, and head out the door is every betch’s dream. Caking on makeup to hide zits and blah skin is on the low end of everyone’s want list. Fun fact: There’s a list of veggies and fruits you should totally be working into your diet if you want amazing, glowing, Giselle-ish skin. We’re not saying eat these veggies and fruits exclusively, because your bod, like, needs other shit (like water, salmon, almonds, and fucking Starbucks) to function. But you might want to start incorporating these foods for glowing skin into your diet. I mean, you should do it for your general health because these are all fruits and veggies, but the added beauty benefits don’t hurt.
Turns out that eating a tomato with mayonnaise on bread during the heat of summer may actually be NOT bad for you. The antioxidant lycopene in this red bitch can actually protect you from the sun, according to Prevention, since it improves skin’s natural SPF. And we all know that laying around in the sun causes wrinkles, so eat tomatoes to like, not get burned and look younger. Oh but wear sunscreen, also.
Thanks to a metric shit-ton of antioxidants, blueberries are literally amazing if you don’t want to age prematurely and also want great skin. Add them to your yogurt, smoothie, or eat them fresh to make use of this berry’s benefits.
Healthy fats—namely, monounsaturated and polyunsaturated fats (ever heard of them?) act as a giant natural moisturizer for your skin. According to BBC Good Food, veggies like avocados (is it a fruit? idfk) not only have these amazing-for-your-face fats, but they also provide lots of vitamin E, which will protect you from gross free radicals. Some celebs put avocados directly on their face, but like, I will not advocate for wasting potential guacamole and will stick to eating foods for glowing skin.
Kale, superfood of the 2000’s and hipster-worshipped green thing, is full of lutein and zeaxanthin—both nutrients that absorb and neutralize UV light free radicals, according to Prevention. It’s also full of vitamins C and A, both of which can boost the firmness of your skin.
5. Yellow Bell Peppers
If you dislike the idea of crow’s feet hanging out around your eyes, you’d best get to eating some fucking yellow bell peppers. According to a super scientific study, the antioxidants that fight aging were found to be in super high doses in green and yellow veggies—preventing wrinkles on and around your face.
Brown, fuzzy, and v strange looking are not the adjectives usually used to describe something that’s great for your skin. But kiwis have tons of vitamin C and antioxidants that help keep your skin firm, prevent wrinkles, and do other awesome stuff to your bod. So eat these weirdos.
Turns out all that beta carotene is good for something. Beta carotene is converted to vitamin A in your body, and carrots are fucking full of it. Not only will it help make your skin glow, but it’ll also fight wrinkles. Yay, carrots.
Images: Rakicevic Nenad / Unsplash; Giphy (4)
Betches have long been drinking green juice after a drinking bender to feel healthy. Unfortunately for us when we’re already suppressing our gag reflex, veggie juices can be hella disgusting. Unless you’re a crunchy wook-vegan-nature-loving-tree hugger, don’t spew that shit at me about how you can feeeeeeel the toxins draining from your body while you try not to chew that yam and carrot concoction you call a juice. Spare me. We both know you’re miserable. Of course, if a betch needs a lil detox boost, some veggie juices are better than others. If you don’t own a fancy juicer and aren’t likely to drop the bucks on a $600 machine you’ll use on and off for a month before giving up, here are our favorite veggie juices so you can look fetch in your bikini this summer.
1. ZÜPA NOMA Organic Tomatillo Jalapeño
At just 80 calories for the whole bottle, you’re going to want to stock up on these. As far as a green juice goes, it’s totally different, and the whole gang of ZÜPA NOMA drinks are actually classified as drinkable soups, not juices. Stick with us even though it sounds gross. Instead of an oddly sweet vegetal concoction, this shit is like drinking the finest green bloody mary mix known to
man betch. Plus, all the other flavors (like organic cucumber avocado fennel, organic tomato gazpacho, etc.) are savory and delicious.
2. Jamba Juice Great Greens
If you’re someone who still, for whatever reason, goes to Jamba Juice,
go finish the 8th grade getchu a Great Greens smoothie. A small will deliver three servings of veggies to your hungover body, including cucumber, kale, and spinach. Plus there’s like, fiber and shit, so you’ll feel full and less likely to reach for a cheeseburger later.
3. BluePrint Green Juice
Kale, apples, ginger, romaine, cucumber and more come together for this shit which isn’t as sweet as other green juices. The $9 price tag may turn you off, but the lack of sugar, additives, and gagging make it a welcome addition to the list. Plus, it’s only got 130 calories and is 100% real juice.
4. Juice Press Mother Earth
This one from Juice Press blends celery, cucumber, kale, chard, and more for a really, really, really veggie-blasting drink. It may be a little extreme in taste (like, there’s NO sweet factor), but it’s not bad and is only 70 calories, so…grab this.
5. Evolution Fresh Sweet Greens
If you just looooveeee the taste of veggies, grab this off the shelf. Apparently, Evolution Fresh were some of the first green juice makers, so they’re totally legit. There’s a lot of parsley and lemon in this one, though, so if you’re not all about that herbal life, skip.
6. O2Living Green Vitality
A 16 oz bottle of this shit has 140 calories and only 6 grams of sugar. It isn’t super sweet, has cucumber and fennel which we fucking dig, and will help keep you full. Blessings.
7. Odwalla Groovin’ Greens
If you crave sweetness to cut the chugging of green juices, opt for Odwalla. Yah, there’s 36 grams of sugar, but you can blame the tropical pineapple, mango, and apple juices for that. It’s also only 150 calories for the bottle, which, honestly, counts as a meal when I’m struggling.
We’re not getting paid to say this, but whichever betch invented Sweetgreen is fucking brilliant. I mean, we’ve been eating salad at least twelve times a week forever, but Sweetgreen has managed to make us look somewhat normal for doing so.
For those of you who live under a rock—or like, in Kentucky or something—Sweetgreen is the holy grail of salad bars. Not only do the salads actually taste delicious, but the lunch line is literally longer than the one for Kanye’s Soho pop-up shop and is usually filled with a mix of trendy models and college interns picking up a Kale Caesar for like, the CEO of Twitter. Ordering is an artform, so you don’t want to fuck this up. Here’s how to navigate Sweetgreen like a betch:
First things first: get the app. The only things betches hate more than mixed-in dressings are long lines and human contact, so the Sweetgreen app is the best thing ever. You literally compile your salad, click to pay, input a pickup time, and show up. The only downside to ordering in advance is that they don’t mix in the ingredients for you, and shaking it yourself is exhausting. It’s still worth it though—and a good arm workout. At least, that’s what I tell myself after 17 straight days of avoiding the gym. Irregardless, at 1pm, your lunch is waiting for you on a wooden shelf and you didn’t even have to talk to one person in the process. The magic of modern technology.
The Warm Bowls
We usually opt for a customized salad, but the predetermined warm bowls are a respectable choice when you’re in a rush and can’t start weighing the pros and cons of romaine versus arugula. Kendrick Lamar collaborated with SG last year on their Beets Don’t Kale My Vibe bowl which we miss dearly, but the new selections are sick too. The Harvest Bowl is a go-to when you need a carb boost, and the Guacamole Greens is perfect if you’re craving Chipotle (but obviously it’s better for you).
The Custom Order
Customizing your own salad is a fucking science. A few basic rules: mix different types of lettuce, always get the sweet potato, only get the portobello mushrooms if they’re super dark, and try whatever’s in season. Sweetgreen prides itself on having ingredients straight from the farm, so take advantage of that because God knows the only time a betch will get close to a farm is if she gets forced into shoveling cow shit on a Bachelor group date.
The proteins at Sweetgreen are the icing on the cake, minus all the icing and all the cake because well, it’s salad. We recommend the chicken if you’re basic AF, but their sesame tofu is dope if you’re vegetarian—as long as you promise not to talk about it. The salmon is a staple too but make sure you ask for it separately so they don’t toss it in with the rest of the ingredients and fuck it up. Honestly, you can’t go wrong, and their cheese is good if you’re willing to eat dairy and you’re starving yourself. You don’t fuck with a girl and her feta salad post-spin class. You also don’t judge her (to her face) for saying yes to the bread.
If we were ordering at any other establishment, we’d obviously look down at anyone opting for dressing on their salad, and instead ask for a sprinkle of fresh lemon or a gust of wind. However, Sweetgreen’s dressings are actually made fresh everyday and there’s no shit in them. The Cucumber Tahini Yogurt is almost too creamy to be legitimately healthy, and yet it is. The Miso Sesame and Pesto are other go-to’s, or go for the Spicy Cashew if you want the heat. You really can’t go wrong, but don’t expect to find any of that Ranch or Thousand Island bullshit here. I mean, you can try Sears.
Related: Betch List 114. Salad
The Super Bowl is coming and, while we have to pretend to care about the goddamn Patriots AGAIN, we can at least distract ourselves with yummy food.
But don’t get too fucking distracted; you could end up eating 4,000 calories if you aren’t careful, and no one likes a beached whale. Here are our foolproof pointers for what you can and can’t eat during this year’s assortment of Super Bowl parties. Good luck out there.
1. Chips And Salsa—Not Chips And Dip
It’s a thin line, but it’s fucking there. If you MUST partake in a salty snack, skip the onion dip and chips (yes, even if they’re fucking baked) and opt for the tortilla dips and salsa. Six tablespoons of salsa will set you back about 45 calories, while six tablespoons of onion dip will set you back about 180 calories. Add in a handful of greasy potato chips and you may as well dive head first into a box of Twinkies.
2. Always Skip The Wings
Yes, even though you’re thinking “omg they’re so little,” did you know that ONE buffalo chicken wing would require you running the length of a football field 12 times to burn off? Yeah. Let that sink in. If you MUST have wings, opt for original—NEVER go for the garlic-parmesan-teriyaki-whatever or boneless. They’re heavier in calories and salt than most basic wings. Plus, the bone-in wings force you to eat more slowly, letting you really think about the amount of calories you’re putting into your body. Hooray.
3. Choose Liquor Over Beer
Obvs you’re going to drink, so opt for something like a vodka soda over a heavy beer. You’ll be forced to sip in order to avoid blacking out, AND you won’t have to deal with a beer gut/bloaty-farty feelings later. If liquor isn’t on the menu, opt for a light beer.
You need them? Then pick from the bottom of the pile. This will limit your cheese intake and cut some calories. Also, grab some jalapeños, because spice equals faster metabolism.
5. Load Up On Veggies As Soon As You Walk In
We obviously all know you should stand next to the veggie tray, but we know eating only vegetables for a fucking four hour game is cruel and unusual. Instead, as soon as you get to the party, load up on as many veggies as you can without looking like a weirdo. Then, chug a ton of water. Wait about a half hour, then you can indulge…a little. The veggies and water will fill your stomach with good things so as to combat your ability to eat shit you shouldn’t.
6. Subs And Sandwiches
These are usually around during Super Bowl parties. If they are, opt for the one on whole wheat with no mayo and lots of meat. Shit, pile a few celery sticks and carrots on there so as to fill up faster. Oh, and remove the cheese. Sorry. You could also remove all the bread and roll the meat and cheese around celery/carrot sticks. Sure, you’ll look like a fucking weirdo, but at least you aren’t eating carbs.