As we all know, horoscopes can help us chill out while learning more about ourselves and our personalities, and the same can be said for cannabis. We all know someone who uses cannabis to aid in self-reflection and emotional exploration (or maybe that someone is you), so it’s no surprise that mixing astrology with weed can lead to some powerful moments of self discovery. Whether you are a routine-obsessed Taurus or an all-over-the-place Gemini, we paired up with Orchid Essentials, a company known for its award-winning handcrafted vapes, to match one dank af cannabis strain to each zodiac sign so you can experience a perfect harmony between the strains and the stars.
You like having fun with friends, being social, and have zero tolerance for dull or boring situations. The cannabis strain for you is Granddaddy Purple. (Or “Grandaddy Purp” as the kids say.) Granddaddy Purple is a classic #TBT strain. GDP offers an effect that is sure to help you fall asleep (for once) while also helping you laugh and enjoy even the most boring of situations. This strain will leave you feeling calm with a body high well-suited for binge-watching on the couch, lounging around, or just to enjoy at the end of a stressful week.
It’s no secret that Pisces love to sleep, enjoy spending quality time alone, and are amongst the most chill of the zodiac signs. Basically, Pisces and cannabis are a match made in heaven. The cannabis strain for you is Bubba Kush. Packed with heavy sedative effects, Bubba Kush comes on slowly but will leave you ready for your favorite thing: lounging around your house until it’s time for bed. This strain will leave you feeling both calm and euphoric, so you can enjoy the chill vibes that already come naturally to you.
You’re confident, enthusiastic, dislike inactivity, and can get easily stressed. (For example: reading such an accurate description of yourself just totally stressed you out.) The cannabis strain for you is Dutch Treat. Dutch Treat is a calming strain that is relaxing while mentally uplifting. People annoying you at work? This strain’s relaxing body high will provide you with just the right mellow when you need it most, putting your mind at ease and leaving you feeling calm, cool, and collected.
The Earth sign, Taurus’ are more concerned with what is real, making you one of the most productive and creative out of all the signs. You enjoy working with your hands and are super reliable, practical, and focused. The cannabis strain for you is the earthy delight, Sour Diesel. Sour Diesel is a classic, just like you, that will leave you feeling energetic, focused, and happy. The perfect combo for you to actually turn that creativity into something.
Gemini is represented by twins, and those that fall under this sign are known for their dual nature (which is just a nice way of saying multiple personalities). You can be chatty and social or dreamy and calm. So, naturally, we have two strains to fit either of your moods. With an earthy, lemony flavor, Trainwreck provides a heavy-hitting head high to uplift you and enhance your outgoing side. This is nice for hanging with friends or making new ones, especially when all you want to do is chat or have that heart-to-heart. Alternatively, if you’re not in social butterfly mode, Tahoe OG produces an intense body high, leaving you fully relaxed and firmly anchored to the couch in some cases. Good for those nights in.
You love art, are highly imaginative, and never say no to a good meal with friends. The cannabis strain for you is Orchid Essentials’ berry-licious Blackberry Kush. A potent strain that offers a v comfy body high that’ll want to grab a snack and curl up for your next movie night.
You’re the cheerful extrovert who loves nothing more than hanging out with your squad, so you need a cannabis strain that can come with you to all your social engagements. The strain for you is Super Silver Haze, the indica lover’s favorite sativa. This great daytime strain will leave your head focused, body relaxed, and in a state to battle the challenges ahead with confidence. It might even turn you into that person who loves everyone so much because you become best friends with everyone at a party! Oh wait, you’re already that person…
You’re loyal, kind, hard-working, and practical, however, you can sometimes feel a little bit anxious. (Don’t we all?) The cannabis strain for you is Strawberry Cough. A sweet companion when you need to get things done without losing your sh*t. Its slight body high will leave you clear-headed with enhanced focus and concentration, melting those worries away.
You’re social, balanced, and fair-minded. You know how to handle yourself at a party, but the ideal night for you is laughing with a few friends as opposed to a full-blown rager. The cannabis strain for you is Girl Scout Cookies. It is sure to leave you with a grin from ear-to-ear, making anything the day may bring that much more exciting. This strain is great for fun nights in with friends, leaving you feeling euphoric and full of laughter.
Your intense passion and general extra-ness may leave you needing to turn it down a notch sometimes and find your zen. The cannabis strain for you is Bubblegum Kush. This strain has a yummy, bubblegum-tasting profile that is known to deliver heavy and tranquilizing effects, leaving you giggly and ready for a good night’s rest. Bubblegum Kush is ideal for a chill night contemplating all of life’s big questions, or for just chilling on the couch and contemplating where you think this season of Big Little Lies is going.
You’re the optimistic and creative one who has a great sense of humor and loves being outdoors. The cannabis strain for you is Jack Herer. The strain for getting sh*t done, this one constantly makes the “Favorite Strains” lists. People love this! It creates a head-focused yet mellow experience to enhance creativity. Perfect for those who like hiking and exercising. The hyper-focused, happy nature of the strain will help you enjoy your outdoor time without checking your phone every five seconds.
You’re disciplined and responsible. You might not always be the life of the party, but that’s just because you don’t see a practical reason for doing so. (Who wants to be in that many Insta Stories? It only ends in embarrassment…) The cannabis strain for you is Blue Dream. We know you love a good recommendation and/or Yelp review, so you’ll be happy to hear this is one of the best-selling strains of all time. The effects will leave you calm and focused, prepared for any activities that lie ahead. So, if you feel like mixing your love for cannabis and astrology sit back, relax, strike one up, and enter your own perfect, euphoric state of mind.
Images: Orchid Essentials (5), Giphy (1)
We all know that the bros in charge of Silicon Valley are getting rich off stealing all our personal information and probably secretly listening to us talk in order to use our deepest desires and insecurities to sell us shit. What you might not know about are the tech disasters causing actual physical injuries that have been occurring with terrifying frequency lately. Elon Musk and co. aren’t satisfied with just stealing our identities to get rich, they’re also down to literally kill us to do it. Thus, we bring you a roundup of the most worrying examples so you can be fully aware of the bizarre new ways Silicon Valley is setting us up to die in the future. Happy Monday, I hope you brought Xanax to work today.
Self Driving Car Crash
In late March, a Tesla Model X SUV driver was using the car’s Autopilot feature when the car crashed into a concrete highway divider and literally “burst into flames”. The autopilot system is not designed for true self-driving, but is meant to improve the ease and safety of driving while still requiring the human driver to pay attention. This month, in Tesla’s fourth car crash of the year, a Model S on autopilot hit a stopped firetruck. Meanwhile, Tesla CEO Elon Musk appears to be focused on using another Silicon Valley invention, Twitter, to flirt with pop stars. Clearly he has his priorities straight.
As if there weren’t enough reasons to hate cryptocurrency, now bitcoin thieves are literally holding people at gunpoint for access to their virtual wallets. Bitcoin is seriously layers of fucked up, from the fact that bitcoin mining uses more fossil fuel energy annually than 19 European countries to the influx of Bitcion-rich bros attempting to basically colonize Hurricane ravaged Puerto Rico and replace it with a crypto utopia literally called Puertopia. As though people don’t, you know, live there. Oh, and the value of a cryptocurrency is truly based on bros sitting around using the pure psychic power of being a white dude to think so hard about how cool their Bitcoin is that the Dow literally decides to agree with them. Must be nice.
Anyway, if all of that doesn’t convince you to stick to normal credit cards or at least Venmo, now purchasing cryptocurrencies might literally get you killed. In Canada, a group of thieves tied up employees at a Bitcoin company and held them hostage at gunpoint in an attempt to extort them for cryptocurrency. In December, bitcoin burglars kidnapped a Ukrainian bitcoin executive and in January another group of armed robbers staged a home break-in and forced a cryptocurrency trader to transfer them his Bitcoin, also at gunpoint. Basically, if your Hinge date this week is a Bitcoin bro, he probably has a shitty personality and he also might get you robbed at gunpoint. Swipe left.
As someone who is not ashamed to charge my vape at a pregame and whose limited edition rose gold Juul might be my prized possession, this one is honestly hard for me to write. Unfortunately, last week a Florida man’s e-cigarette literally killed him after it exploded, leaving him with burns and a fatal head wound. I’m not sure if it’s more embarrassing to die in a hover board or vape explosion, but maybe we should all just stick to legal weed at this point.
Solar Panel Burns
Trying to choose my last fave tech bro is honestly harder than ranking the Trump children on a scale of horribleness. Elon Musk is making a strong case for himself though, starting with his self-driving cars that kill people and coming in hot just this month as reports come out of extreme safety violations at Tesla solar energy plants. One employee was electrically shocked and burned after Tesla did not train workers properly or offer them protective gear to wear while installing solar panels. Basically, even renewable energy that might save us from total climate disaster could also kill us. Great.
Literally Just Stress
To conclude this incredibly depressing listicle (sorry), your future job at a tech startup might have beer and nitro cold brew on tap, but the debilitating stress of your work might drive you to develop high blood pressure, heart problems, and a variety of mental health issues. Silicon Valley has been dealing with some bad PR lately for a few minor things like selling our personal data to the Trump campaign and the aforementioned exploding devices, but the companies have also been receiving flak for stigmatizing mental illness and working their employees to the point of mental exhaustion and depression, with some even committing suicide. Amazon in particular experienced some well-deserved public shaming after a New York Times investigation revealed insane expectations of 24/7 availability and a culture of colleagues sabotaging each other that literally led to people publicly crying at their desks. Cool, sounds like Amazon is a more toxic social environment than my middle school.
Now that you’ve been fully informed of the dangers lurking in your self-driving uber, go soothe yourself by buying some overpriced fusion cuisine from a cash only food truck and driving your own car yourself. It’s not the singularity yet!
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