Well guys, we’ve had a great run, but I regret to tell you that life as we know it is over. It’s canceled, it’s done, it’s off the table until further notice. Why, you say? Because I just learned of something so horrifying that I truly no longer wish to live on this planet. Of course, I am talking about the Gamer Girl Bathwater situation, in which Instagram model/cosplayer Belle Delphine sold her used bathwater for real, actual money ($30 a jar, to be precise). Oh yeah, and it sold out. Buckle up (or just click away now, I won’t blame you), because it’s an absolutely crazy and disgusting ride.
Who Is Belle Delphine?
Belle Delphine has 4.1 million Instagram followers (and already had over 3.9 million before the bathwater incident). Her profile is filled with mostly nude pictures of herself in different wigs (pink seems to be her favorite) and schoolgirl costumes or lingerie. It’s a classic anime look, in that she both looks 12 years old and insanely horny, which I guess is a big hit with men these days. (Upon checking her page, I see that two different people I used to hook up with follow her account. Nice!) According to Insider, Delphine (who is 19 years old) “has become famous for her NSFW content, where she wears very little clothing and makes ahegao facial expressions, sometimes used in Japanese anime and manga pornography.” I’m too sad already to research ahegao, so I will take their word for it.
Delphine also briefly landed in the news back in June when she promised followers she’d create a PornHub account if she cracked 1 million likes on a photo. She succeeded, then posted a PornHub account full of videos of her playing with stuffed animals and eating a photograph of PewDiePie. (PewDiePie is a Swedish YouTuber, for those as uninformed as me.) Some might draw from this story that Delphine is an unpredictable prankster with an eye for social commentary; others might suggest Delphine is out of her motherf*cking mind. To those who are in the former camp, allow me to direct you to this YouTube compilation of Delphine’s raw egg content. What does she do to the eggs, you might ask? IDK! My eyes are still bleeding.
Why Is She Selling Her Bathwater?
Put simply, because she can. She advertised the goods on Instagram with the following caption:
“i am now selling my BATH WATER for all you THIRSTY gamer boys ? check out my new shop where im selling stuff for you!! www.belledelphinestore.com.”
While Delphine isn’t always a gamer girl (she’s a chameleon, if you will), she’s pictured here in a “GAME OVER” shirt with a video game controller and a branded “gamer girl bathwater” jar. Did she pick this particular look because she knew gamer guys were the most likely to spend money on stupid sh*t catered to their unique gamer guy horniness? Given the thousands of dollars they spend on actual video games in which women’s breasts are five times the size of their head, it’s a safe bet.
Oh, and FYI the bathwater had the following description on her website: “Bottled while I’m playing in the bath. This really is bath water. Disclaimer: This water is not for drinking and should only be used for sentimental purposes.” This will become relevant later.
How Did Gamer Girl Bathwater Go Viral?
First of all, this level of depravity is always going to attract attention. But then there’s the fact that it was so successful—the bathwater sold out in three days, Delphine reported on Twitter, and she’s still working on getting the bathwater into containers and sent off now. Delphine’s entrepreneurial spirit alone was making headlines—and then a tweet went viral that claimed 30 people had gotten herpes from drinking the bathwater.
Delphine quickly confirmed that she had only sent out one or two jars, and the account itself has confirmed that the rumor was a hoax. But many are eager to see this story get even more ridiculous than it already has, preferably in a way that punishes people who actually spent $30 on a jar of used bathwater. Two YouTubers who have received their shipments of bathwater have posted videos—this one, in which he takes a sip of said bathwater, has over 2 million views:
Basically, it’s a sh*t show start to finish—and yes, Belle Delphine will be a millionaire before the year is out. With less than six months left in 2019, this is how the world ends: not with a bang, but with a highly evolved strain of drug-resistant virus contracted by drinking a 19-year-old cosplayer’s bathwater. We don’t know if that will actually happen yet, but the fact that bathwater as merchandise exists is bad enough.
As we all know, horoscopes can help us chill out while learning more about ourselves and our personalities, and the same can be said for cannabis. We all know someone who uses cannabis to aid in self-reflection and emotional exploration (or maybe that someone is you), so it’s no surprise that mixing astrology with weed can lead to some powerful moments of self discovery. Whether you are a routine-obsessed Taurus or an all-over-the-place Gemini, we paired up with Orchid Essentials, a company known for its award-winning handcrafted vapes, to match one dank af cannabis strain to each zodiac sign so you can experience a perfect harmony between the strains and the stars.
You like having fun with friends, being social, and have zero tolerance for dull or boring situations. The cannabis strain for you is Granddaddy Purple. (Or “Grandaddy Purp” as the kids say.) Granddaddy Purple is a classic #TBT strain. GDP offers an effect that is sure to help you fall asleep (for once) while also helping you laugh and enjoy even the most boring of situations. This strain will leave you feeling calm with a body high well-suited for binge-watching on the couch, lounging around, or just to enjoy at the end of a stressful week.
It’s no secret that Pisces love to sleep, enjoy spending quality time alone, and are amongst the most chill of the zodiac signs. Basically, Pisces and cannabis are a match made in heaven. The cannabis strain for you is Bubba Kush. Packed with heavy sedative effects, Bubba Kush comes on slowly but will leave you ready for your favorite thing: lounging around your house until it’s time for bed. This strain will leave you feeling both calm and euphoric, so you can enjoy the chill vibes that already come naturally to you.
You’re confident, enthusiastic, dislike inactivity, and can get easily stressed. (For example: reading such an accurate description of yourself just totally stressed you out.) The cannabis strain for you is Dutch Treat. Dutch Treat is a calming strain that is relaxing while mentally uplifting. People annoying you at work? This strain’s relaxing body high will provide you with just the right mellow when you need it most, putting your mind at ease and leaving you feeling calm, cool, and collected.
The Earth sign, Taurus’ are more concerned with what is real, making you one of the most productive and creative out of all the signs. You enjoy working with your hands and are super reliable, practical, and focused. The cannabis strain for you is the earthy delight, Sour Diesel. Sour Diesel is a classic, just like you, that will leave you feeling energetic, focused, and happy. The perfect combo for you to actually turn that creativity into something.
Gemini is represented by twins, and those that fall under this sign are known for their dual nature (which is just a nice way of saying multiple personalities). You can be chatty and social or dreamy and calm. So, naturally, we have two strains to fit either of your moods. With an earthy, lemony flavor, Trainwreck provides a heavy-hitting head high to uplift you and enhance your outgoing side. This is nice for hanging with friends or making new ones, especially when all you want to do is chat or have that heart-to-heart. Alternatively, if you’re not in social butterfly mode, Tahoe OG produces an intense body high, leaving you fully relaxed and firmly anchored to the couch in some cases. Good for those nights in.
You love art, are highly imaginative, and never say no to a good meal with friends. The cannabis strain for you is Orchid Essentials’ berry-licious Blackberry Kush. A potent strain that offers a v comfy body high that’ll want to grab a snack and curl up for your next movie night.
You’re the cheerful extrovert who loves nothing more than hanging out with your squad, so you need a cannabis strain that can come with you to all your social engagements. The strain for you is Super Silver Haze, the indica lover’s favorite sativa. This great daytime strain will leave your head focused, body relaxed, and in a state to battle the challenges ahead with confidence. It might even turn you into that person who loves everyone so much because you become best friends with everyone at a party! Oh wait, you’re already that person…
You’re loyal, kind, hard-working, and practical, however, you can sometimes feel a little bit anxious. (Don’t we all?) The cannabis strain for you is Strawberry Cough. A sweet companion when you need to get things done without losing your sh*t. Its slight body high will leave you clear-headed with enhanced focus and concentration, melting those worries away.
You’re social, balanced, and fair-minded. You know how to handle yourself at a party, but the ideal night for you is laughing with a few friends as opposed to a full-blown rager. The cannabis strain for you is Girl Scout Cookies. It is sure to leave you with a grin from ear-to-ear, making anything the day may bring that much more exciting. This strain is great for fun nights in with friends, leaving you feeling euphoric and full of laughter.
Your intense passion and general extra-ness may leave you needing to turn it down a notch sometimes and find your zen. The cannabis strain for you is Bubblegum Kush. This strain has a yummy, bubblegum-tasting profile that is known to deliver heavy and tranquilizing effects, leaving you giggly and ready for a good night’s rest. Bubblegum Kush is ideal for a chill night contemplating all of life’s big questions, or for just chilling on the couch and contemplating where you think this season of Big Little Lies is going.
You’re the optimistic and creative one who has a great sense of humor and loves being outdoors. The cannabis strain for you is Jack Herer. The strain for getting sh*t done, this one constantly makes the “Favorite Strains” lists. People love this! It creates a head-focused yet mellow experience to enhance creativity. Perfect for those who like hiking and exercising. The hyper-focused, happy nature of the strain will help you enjoy your outdoor time without checking your phone every five seconds.
You’re disciplined and responsible. You might not always be the life of the party, but that’s just because you don’t see a practical reason for doing so. (Who wants to be in that many Insta Stories? It only ends in embarrassment…) The cannabis strain for you is Blue Dream. We know you love a good recommendation and/or Yelp review, so you’ll be happy to hear this is one of the best-selling strains of all time. The effects will leave you calm and focused, prepared for any activities that lie ahead. So, if you feel like mixing your love for cannabis and astrology sit back, relax, strike one up, and enter your own perfect, euphoric state of mind.
Images: Orchid Essentials (5), Giphy (1)