Well, well, well, look who it is. It’s me. And Vanessa Hudgens. Playing 3 different versions of Vanessa Hudgens. Yes, people, that’s right. I am back with the recap nobody (except literally my one friend) asked for. At this point, I consider my annual (or however often these movies come out) Princess Switch recap a rite of passage. I will warn you in advance, buckle up for this one. This movie was an aggressive hour and 45 minutes. And also, it’s been so long since Princess Switch 2 that I *may* have forgotten some of the details. We don’t know what we’re in for with this one, but it will be over-the-top and Vanessa’s accents will be bad. I will say, if they add a fourth Vanessa Hudgens to this movie, I swear. I can only suspend my disbelief so much, ya know?
We open with a quick recap (thank god) and a note that Fiona, after impersonating the Duchess and trying to throw the whole country of Montenaro into disarray, only got sentenced to community service, not prison. I’m sure that’s something that won’t come back to haunt the country, right? (Things we say about January 6th.)
This year, Stacey is co-chairing an International Christmas Festival with Margaret. I gotta say, there’s no way that would fly in 2021. A holiday festival, at least?? In any case, the Vatican has loaned them the “Star of Peace”, “a priceless relic that once belonged to St. Nicholas himself,” which is going on top of the big Christmas tree. Surely, there’s no way this star is valuable, and also no way Fiona would find herself at this festival and try to steal the star, right? RIGHT??
Kevin and Margaret are a happy couple once again, although noticeably absent? Kevin’s daughter. They FaceTime her, and is it just me or did this girl age 10 years between movies? I could have sworn she was like, in middle school.
What’s funny to me is that while Stacey and Margaret are planning the acts for the International Christmas Festival (we have to have a yodeler because they “don’t want to offend the Swiss ambassador”), Margaret remarks, “we don’t want to offend anyone.” Oh, is that why you’re having an INTERNATIONAL CHRISTMAS FESTIVAL in the year 2021? Good luck with that!
But the planning is interrupted when we learn there’s “a bit of a situation” involving the police.
That “situation”? You guessed it. The Star of Peace is gone — the guards were drugged and the Star stolen.
Margaret: Just please promise us you’ll get it back in time for the ceremony.
Chief of Police: I’m afraid that would be a pie crust promise — easily made, easily broken.
Oh, god. So this is the type of dialogue we’re working with. Who on EARTH has ever called something a “pie crust promise”? Also aren’t pie crusts kind of hard to make by hand? All I know is you have to smash a lot of graham crackers and mix it with a looot of butter, or literally make a dough from scratch. This isn’t Great British Bake-Off. Easily made for whomst??
Stacey’s boyf (I am really sorry, I forgot his name. Prince Phillip? That feels right) is like, “no pressure, but when the crown jewels of Belgravia were stolen, my father was nearly deposed. Don’t stress Margaret out! She’s already dealing with enough, thinking police are effective, even when they have clues or leads (of which they currently have none). The thieves apparently managed to smash a whole glass case and not leave ANY forensics, which seems…. literally impossible.
Stacey is like, “you know what this means, right? If the police have no leads, that means it’s up to us to come up with some.”
Stacey: What we need is someone with information the police don’t have
…Right. You should go right to Quantico with those amazing detective skills of yours.
So they’re going to enlist Fiona’s help them solve this crime. They’re going to bust her out of the convent at which she’s currently serving community service. Man, the Montenaro justice department is weird.
Lol this bitch is working in a convent with a full sequined hat on, red lipstick, and sky-high heels. Why would you want to mop floors in that? Just who, exactly, is she trying to impress??? Gotta stunt on those nuns, I guess.
Fiona arrives to the palace with her squad in what I can only describe as one of those headbands with antennae attached to it that you’d use for your 2nd grade Bug’s Life costume. What was the style direction on this girl? All sequined everything, and the more deranged the headpiece, the better.
I have to believe that Vanessa’s stylist is still trolling her for those early comments she made about covid. Ugh, Fiona’s still calling her cousins “cuzzy”. Here’s how this should be handled:
The next morning as Fiona updates the Good Guys on her progress, she’s in this like, brocade minidress. She’s really busting out the Fashion Pass first thing in the a.m. Honestly, respect. There’s a brief, bad joke where Prince Philip misunderstands what “the GOAT” means (he thinks they’re talking about a literal animal), that could have really been left behind in 2019. I’m starting to see why this movie is just shy of two hours. We’re 12 minutes in, and I’m on my second page of notes.
So Princess Fiona gets driven to this castle, where she meets some guy who’s like a cross between a mad scientist and Troy Bolton (because he has a basketball court inside his castle, obviously). His name, which I will forget imminently, is Peter Maxwell. He’s managed to dig up the Interpol case file and finds that the drug used to knock out the guards was purchased at some crack pharmacist’s in Geneva. Our wannabe Penelope Garcia over here manages to track down the pharmacy’s CCTV footage to locate an image of our suspect, who just so happens to work for a billionaire hotel tycoon. Why did a billionaire steal the Star of Christmas? Because he likes collecting shit.
I’m just spitballing here, but wouldn’t it not be in your best interest as a hotel tycoon to steal shit for a hobby? Cause, ya know, you wouldn’t be able to enjoy any of the perks of being a hotel tycoon from behind bars?
They can’t go to the police because “Hunter has friends everywhere”. The only thing they can do? You guessed it, obviously: steal it back by infiltrating his big party. What kind of Ocean’s Eleven knock-off is this? Everyone notices the chemistry between Peter and Fiona, because they are about as subtle as a whack on the head.
Stacey: That bad boy had a thing for you, huh?
Fiona: We had a bit of a steamy. But he’s not my type.
A. Bit. Of. A. Steamy???? Please somebody find me the screenwriter for this movie. I just want to talk.
Anyway, some important context about Peter: he was accused of diamond theft when working at Interpol, but those charges were dismissed. He’s doing this consulting work for free.
Peter: Let’s just say, I have my reasons
*30 second back-and-forth of Peter and Fiona looking at each other*
Good god, could these filmmakers be any LESS subtle?? Me and my intelligence are insulted.
Anyway, Fiona’s trying to set a honeytrap by running into Hunter while he’s walking his dog, dressed up like a bootleg Cruella DeVille. Unfortunately, the dog chases after a squirrel, pulling Fiona into a bush. Well, that didn’t work. Time for Plan B, which I guess is just showing up at some party he’s at.
I will say, this party looks lit. I will also say, the cronies sitting on couches reading newspapers and wearing Bluetooth earpieces DURING A PARTY is not at all subtle. I mean. THAT’s your cover? Being the guy reading at a party?
Hunter spots Fiona and she’s like, “what are you doing here?” Uh, aren’t you at his house? Hunter is smarter than he looks, because he’s like “ok, what’s the real reason you’re here?” Fiona makes up some lie—is it a lie?—about having spent almost all of her inheritance and wanting to turn the Pembroke estate into a hotel. She secures an invite for the party.
I also have to say that I have like an hour left of this movie and I’m already sick of Vanessa Hudgens’ approximation of a classy British accent. It sounds like how the Watch What Crappens guys do impressions of Karen Huger. Real ones know. I actually might put a candy cane through my eyeballs before this is over. It’s only funny when Ronnie and Ben do it.
Oh so now we’re flashing back to Fiona’s childhood, where her mom can’t be bothered to spend the holidays with her? I’m sorry, is this a villain origin story movie or the fucking Princess Switch?? I don’t want my impeccably dressed yet supremely annoying villain to have any depth, what do you think this is??
Also, idk, “I tried to take over a country because Mummy didn’t pay me enough attention as a kid” is not really the justification Fiona thinks it is.
So back to Baby Fiona, who is like, moping to Baby Peter about how her mom doesn’t love her because she didn’t want to spend Christmas together. Peter is like, “look outside, that’s the North Star. No matter what happens just look up there and I’ll be looking there too.” Does my memory deceive me or did they just rip this out of Love Actually or something? I also definitely got the will-they-won’t-they-they-definitely-will plotline without this extended walk down memory lane. See: the 30-second back-and-forth of them staring into each other’s eyes.
And now we have a scene where these idiots are practicing for their Ocean’s Eleven heist with some fake lasers that they have to limbo through. Fiona is like “watch and learn” and then just proceeds to do a sexy yoga flow through the lasers? Lmao, going to try that at my next heist. Who knew the secret was Downward Dog into Pigeon pose?
Peter is fully turned on, though. This man would not be able to handle a Y7 class.
That night, Peter and Fiona set off into a helicopter while Margaret watches from a window like, “Wow they really are just adorable, aren’t they” Margaret, need I remind you that this girl tried to kidnap you and STEAL your COUNTRY??? And you’re just happy for her that she’s finding love??
Fiona and Peter go to some Christmas market, where Fiona has this zinger that she definitely didn’t plan for hours: “Looks like Santa’s elves smoked a little too much mistletoe.” If someone said that to me IRL I would immediately cut them out of my life. Peter asks Fiona for a dance and her response is, “You’re just determined to smother us in holiday cheese, aren’t you?” Ma’am, the only abundance of cheese is spewing straight out of YOUR mouth. Good god, who wrote this dialogue?
In another montage that could have been left on the cutting room floor because I don’t have all day, Fiona and Peter dance in the middle of this Christmas market’s ice skating rink to a country song. And they’re about to kiss when she wipes out out of nowhere, and instead of being like, “ouch!” they both laugh hysterically, splayed out on the ice. Sure.
Meanwhile, I don’t like this foreshadowing I feel is happening with Kevin, where he kisses Margaret goodbye before he drives off, promising he’ll be back soon. He will be back soon, though? Right?? Nothing bad is going to happen to Zaddy Kevin, on Christmas no less, RIGHT???
Okay, now HERE is how the switch will happen: Reggie was supposed to be in Ocean’s Eleven but got hurt while trying to repel down a building. Classic Reggie. The only person skilled enough to replace him is (remember the yoga moves)? Fiona. Only problem? She’s supposed to be distracting Hunter at his party. So Margaret will pretend to be Fiona and take the role of distracting Hunter at the party.
Prince Philip (I still haven’t learned his name and at this point, I don’t think I will) is vehemently against the plan and Stacy and Margaret are for it. What ensues next is a bootleg Princess Diaries montage where Fiona tries to teach Margaret how to walk and act like her.
Fiona and Margaret practice tango-ing and Peter walks in and is like, “hold on, the frame is all wrong,” so he cuts in and starts dancing with Fiona. My dude, she is not the one who needs the frame reference. Margaret does. Stop seducing and start helping!
Well, Fiona and Peter get into a fight because, as Peter puts it: “Whenever you start to feel something for someone, you pull away.” Oh blah blah, poor little evil rich girl is too scared to form genuine connections because her mom bailed on Christmas. Play me a sad song on the world’s smallest violin. I’m sorry, if Fiona is the future of this Princess Switch franchise, I will simply not abide! Absent parents or not, are we supposed to care about someone who just so thoroughly sucks? I’m really not even talking about the greed and identity theft, it’s literally everything else about her (except her fashion sense, which is pretty dope).
Andddd we have a problem: Princess Fiona’s disciplinary review at the monastery (things that totally happen) is randomly pushed up to tonight. Fiona HAS to be there. But she also has to be with Hunter. And navigating the laser field. Good thing we have another spare Fiona!
Okay so looks like I was wrong and his name is Edward. Whoops! No, I will not be using find + replace to fix any of this.
In any case, our shitty Charlie’s Angels over here have managed to break into the control room and have located the Star of Peace. (I do realize I called it the Star of Christmas elsewhere… again, go with it.) I wonder why they don’t just turn off the lasers if they’re already in this room that has all these servers? Too much logic for this movie, I guess.
Once inside the library, we run into a snafu: the keypad that was supposed to be there isn’t there, and Hunter is about to come into the library! But he’s too busy berating some champagne girl dressed as a slutty Marie Antoinette to notice. What is the theme of this party?
They find the keypad, because otherwise the movie would end right here. Which it honestly could, this thing is an hour and 45 minutes. But anyway, over in the monastery, Stacy is not killing it as Fiona. Her accent is just… not good. Prince Edward decides to act as her character witness.
He’s like, “she did kidnap my wife but she has a really good heart” — spoken like every defense for a rich white defendant.
Back at the heist, what do you know, the code to the keypad is Fiona’s birthday.
Time for the laser minefield! The moment we’ve been training for, and the Christmas Star or whatever tf we’re calling it is smack dab in the middle of all the lasers.
Back at the party, Margaret is trying to hide her revulsion for Hunter with a duck face (it’s not not working) and as a diversion from having to go upstairs with him, she suggests they tango. While this happens, our two criminal lovebirds are doing a tango of their own between the lasers. And Fiona’s sentence in the monastery gets commuted. Mother Superior cannot hide her excitement. Tbh, I don’t blame her.
Real Fiona and Peter turn off the lasers and Fiona picks up the star. Just then, the alarm starts blaring. It’s all very:
After like five minutes of fucking around and eating, the security guys finally do their jobs and decide to address whatever is setting off the alarm. Hunter realizes something is amiss, and Margaret tries to distract him — with a kiss! Ooooh, you’d better hope Kev isn’t the jealous type.
In the mad dash to get out, the thieves go all “every Fiona for herself” and leave Margaret behind. No honor among thieves, amiright?
Oh, and Peter LITERALLY left his calling card at the scene of the crime. Which I guess he stayed to create a diversion? But if you’re physically there, why leave your business card? Was he using the heist as a branding opp?
They all make it back to the palace, but Fiona doesn’t have the star! Peter switched it out with a basketball at some point. Ok but how did you not notice him carrying a basketball through a heist? Was he just walking around with it under his shirt and you were like, “well, the guy does love Christmas cookies…”
Well it looks like Peter has something up his sleeve that Fiona refuses to tell the others about? She goes to meet him at her old school the next morning before fleeing to Capri with her cronies. She meets him upstairs, and how is the school chill with letting this grown-ass man just hang out there and set up a meeting? Peter’s like, “I just wanted to get your attention. I’ll give you the star, I just need you to pop over to the dining hall.”
He says, “she wants to talk to you,” so I’m guessing her mother is waiting there. And again, I wonder how the school is like, sure, go ahead use our boarding school for this forced family reunion. I guess they are rich, so that pretty much explains it.
Damn, Peter tells Fiona that this is the end of the line for them. Nah, this has to be the part in the rom-com where a simple misunderstanding almost causes the two main characters to break up forever.
Haha, I was right! It is her mom! Am I smart or is this movie extremely predictable? Don’t answer that.
Ok I am Team Fiona on this because the mom is like, “I’ve spent the last decade traveling the world but it wasn’t until I was on a retreat in an Ashram that I realized my life was empty.” This just might be the most realistic rich-people depiction we’ve gotten in this movie so far.
Oh and it’s all supposed to be ok that this lady abandoned her daughter because Fiona’s father was cruel to her? And because she kept a Christmas card Fiona drew for her as a kid, we’re supposed to forget all this abandonment? Okay, maybe that backstory did work on me, because now I’m soft. Or perhaps these filmmakers do know what they are doing? Much to think about.
Honestly, respect to Fiona for not letting her mom pull this “Oh it’s Christmas, I was a terrible mom but can’t you forgive me after I put in no work to show I’ve changed and just apologized one time?” The Ramona Singer of it all…
Oh what the hell?? Fiona walks outside but then immediately turns around and sobs into her mom’s arms. BOOOOO.
So Fiona and her mom are staying at the palace for Christmas. Fiona’s like, “is that all right?” And Margaret’s like, “All right? You’re family.” And again I say, are you part where she kidnapped you and tried to steal your royal title??? Over on r/AmITheAsshole people cut off family members for way less. I am just saying.
The Christmas Festival looks great. Hunter is arrested. Everybody’s happy, blah blah blah. And who should show up, but Peter? Of course. He and Fiona both apologize to each other. IDK why this has to take such a morbid turn: “we don’t know how much time we have left with the people we care about” seems to be the throughline. Like, is somebody gonna die?
Lol for the third time they get cock-blocked on the kiss, because as they start leaning in, the trumpets start sounding for an announcement from Margaret. I never get why people in movies can’t just kiss anyway. Like, people in New York City streets will kiss despite people screaming about the apocalypse, an ambulance driving through them, you name it.
The lights on the tree turn on, the star is a hit. Hooray! We did it!
Ok finally Fiona and Peter get to kiss. Good for them. And that’s the end. Overall, turning a Christmas movie into a bit of a heist movie was an interesting choice. Did I hate it? Jury’s still out. Will I watch another one of these? Only if Fiona isn’t set up to be the protagonist. See you next year, cuzzies!
Mark Mainz/NETFLIX © 2021 (4); Netflix; Giphy (4)
One of the reasons why New Year’s Eve is one of my favorite holidays is because you never know what to expect, *sigh* but this year isn’t like the others… As we are all aware, celebrating New Year’s Eve this year will be a lot different than what we are used to, and we just have to make the best of it. That’s why my winter break has been filled with quality family time watching holiday movies in the comfort of my home, and I have been loving every minute of it!
So I figured this would be the perfect time to give you my favorite NYE movies that will get you in the spirit of the new year. For anyone that is looking for a classic, a romantic comedy, or a crime/thriller/suspense film, look no further!
‘New Year’s Eve’
This is a given. The star-studded cast is giving all of the NYE vibes that we can’t really have this year, so it’s the perfect substitute. If you are a Love, Actually fan and you’re all about the multiple storylines that eventually come together at the end of the movie, this one’s for you. Ever since this movie came out, I don’t think I’ve ever gone through the holidays without watching it!
‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that we can all relate to Bridget Jones to some degree. After her parents’ New Year’s party, she decides to keep a diary to track her New Year’s resolutions, which include losing weight, quitting smoking, and finding the man of her dreams. But shortly after, she ends up being stuck in a love triangle with her childhood acquaintance Mark Darcy and her boss Daniel Cleaver (so basically, all of us trying to stick to our own resolutions).
How could I not include a rom-com with Rachel McAdams? For any of you that may not know this movie, the main character Tim Lake learns from his father that the men of his family have the ability to travel back in time. When Tim first tries it at a family gathering on New Year’s Eve, he decides he’ll only use it to improve his love life (if only we had the ability to do the same).
‘The Godfather Part II’
For anyone that wants to kill time on NYE and forget 2020 ever happened, this movie is over three hours long and it will definitely take your mind off everything. I’m all for classic, intense films, and the fact that this has an iconic cast with an eventful New Year’s party makes this a must-see around this time of the year.
‘When Harry Met Sally’
Whenever you last watched When Harry Met Sally, it’s always time for a rewatch. Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan (aka Harry and Sally) share a car ride to New York City, and they basically have nothing in common. Throughout the movie, over a span of 12 years, Harry and Sally run into each other at the most random times, and we see their relationship grow and evolve, all leading up to a New Year’s Eve party. This one gives me all the feels.
‘Sleepless In Seattle’
You can never have too many Meg Ryan movies, right? Anyone that loves When Harry Met Sally will also love this timeless classic rom-com. This love story is a total must-see and will definitely get you in the mood for the new year.
‘High School Musical’
Before you start asking questions, just remember that the beginning of this movie takes place on NYE, where Troy and Gabriella have their fateful first meeting while on vacation. I honestly look for any excuse to watch this Disney Channel classic. Whether you’re celebrating solo or in a small gathering this year, this movie is great for anyone that is looking for a singalong film to end 2020 on a positive note!
Images: Disney Channel; Giphy (7)
Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and welcome to my The Princess Switch: Switched Again recap. Now, when I had initially set out to do this recap, I had some pretty lofty goals. “I’ll have to watch Princess Switch again,” I told myself. Then I downgraded to, “ok, I’ll at least re-read my own recap.” And then, that became, “well surely, they’ll have a ‘what you missed on Princess Switch 1…’ montage at the beginning of the sequel, right?” In the end, laziness won out and I decided to write this recap going off my memory of the first movie, which includes bits and pieces of things like Chicago, a baking contest, a little old elf man who provided wisdom along the way, a hot friend named Kevin (who, for the record, can still get it), Vanessa Hudgens as Vanessa Hudgens, Vanessa Hudgens’ horrible foreign accent, and a fictional country named Montenaro. Did I get everything? No? I don’t care.
Well, I’m excited for the sequel because now we don’t have two Vanessa Hudgens, but three, and as a triplet myself I feel that it’s my responsibility to ensure our accurate portrayal in the media.
Picture it: the year is… two years after the original movie was set. The king of Montenaro has died, meaning that Margaret is now next in line for the throne, which has royally f*cked up her dating life.
We open back up where we last left off, at Belgravia’s 59th annual baking competition. Stacy is tasked with announcing the winner, who is someone named Zach from Munich that we’re supposed to remember was in the first movie. The only other baker I remember was that bitchy redhead. Anyone else?
Back at the castle, Prince Edward and Stacy are a little strained because Edward is too busy running around and running a country, and Stacy is busy… giving out ribbons and halfhearted speeches about the power of Christmas.
Ok so Kevin and Margaret BROKE UP?? All that buildup for nothing! Kevin seems to be really done with Margaret, too, because he turned down the invitation to Margaret’s coronation (which is happening on Christmas, for no reason other than the fact that it has to give this plot a connection to Christmas, however tenuous).
Prince Edward: Well he turned down the invite, so there ya go.
Stacy: Men never know what they want.
I mean, she’s not wrong.
Stacy has a brilliant idea: to go to Chicago on the way to Montenaro. Now, my knowledge of geography of fictional European-esque countries is admittedly spotty, but I have a feeling Chicago is not on the way. If we had a Genovia-like country in the middle of the Midwest this entire time, I think I would have heard about it!
In Chitown, Zaddy Kevin is supposed to look dumpy since his breakup (Stacy makes a comment, “you look…comfortable”) but I’m not buying it. His beard is fuller, his skin is clear, sure, he’s wearing a hoodie and a backwards hat, but he can (say it with me now) still get it.
Stacy: You’re wearing sweatpants, you won’t date, and you’re collecting cats.
It’s called BEING IN QUARANTINE, ok Stacy? Sheesh, have a little understanding.
Stacy gives him the invite to the coronation like, “two years ago, you gave me an invitation that changed my life. Now it’s time for me to return the favor.”
Kevin says he and Margaret broke up because they “just didn’t want the same things anymore.” Stacy convinces him to go to the coronation as a friend.
Ugh, Margaret is back, and her accent is as horrible as ever. I feel like Vanessa Hudgens studied Lindsay Lohan’s accent in The Parent Trap for this role.
Inside the palace, all the furniture is covered with sheets. This is a bit of a snafu because Margaret’s supposed to be throwing a Christmas ball in this very palace. Margaret is saying how the palace doesn’t feel like home. Did she not grow up there? HOW does this country’s line of succession work?? We went from King to the King’s brother to… nobody else was available in between so they just picked a random Duchess? Why this Duchess?
Our first musical montage break comes in the form of the old pals agreeing to help Margaret decorate the palace for Christmas. Half a song later and with no outside assistance from staff, the palace is fully decked out.
Kevin and Margaret are tasked with baking something (weird because one of the other people with that same face is a professional baker), and a flour fight ensues. They are interrupted by Antonio, Margaret’s hot Chief of Staff who definitely has the hots for her. He tears her away to review the coronation practices or whatever “over a cup of tea”, which I feel like is code. I sense a battle of the braun!
Stacy catches onto this too, because she takes it upon herself to cockblock the sh*t out of Antonio and also wingwoman Kevin. She goes to Margaret like, “you know who’s looking fine lately? Kevin.” AGREE.
This gave me vibes of:
Margaret is like, “Nah but that’s over with, we’re done. Why, did he ask about me? What did he say?” I mean, who among us hasn’t claimed to be over an ex while still pumping our mutual friends for info over whether they were over us?
I will say, the dresses at this ball are amazing.
Stacy and Edward push Kevin to ask Margaret to dance, but he almost gets beaten to the punch by Antonio, the slick bastard, whose bowtie is almost as wide as his shoulders. What a buffoon.
My man Kevin is pulling out all the moves, asking Margaret to “go for a drive” “as friends.”
Stacy: What could possibly come between two people who look at each other that way?
Oh, glad you asked, because in waltzes badass blonde British(?) Vanessa Hudgens, who acts like one of the demons who came out of the Bad Place with Adam Scott to terrorize Eleanor and Chidi. If this Amazon wig comes between Margaret and Kevin, then Kev wasn’t as amazing as I thought he was.
Turns out Bad Margaret has a name, that name is Fiona, and Fiona is Marg’s cousin. She’s the duchess of some other fake country called Pembroke. Fiona used the word “cuzzy” in earnest, so I immediately hate this woman. She really is evil.
The funny thing is Bad Margaret is like, “you and Stacy look like twins, that’s so weird,” completely ignoring that she too looks exactly like them. Reminds me of the scene in Parent Trap where Hallie and Annie are like “hmm I guess we look kind of alike except your nose is too big”, when we’re all like, YOU HAVE THE SAME F*CKING FACE.
demons friends basically set out to pickpocket everyone to pay for their summer in Capri, including stealing Kevin’s wallet. This doesn’t appear to ever be relevant again, so I wonder why they bothered at all. After, they gather to pool their spoils like Janet Snakehole and Burt Macklin after spending two hours stealing from people at the Snakehole Lounge. One of the demons pulls out a roll of toilet paper, insisting it’s double-ply, and let me tell you, back in March, one of those babies could’ve paid for a year in Mykonos.
Just as Margaret and Kevin are supposed to set off on their drive, f*cking Antonio rolls up like, “we have an urgent matter for you to tend to. The matter happens to be in my pants.”
Sure enough, Margaret is like, “I thought this was urgent?” And Antonio is like, “it is urgent. You’ve urgently become the queen of my heart” and gives her a necklace. This f*ck. This corny f*ck.
Margaret is like, “ehh, I’m not sure” and Antonio is like, “why, because of that Kevin guy? I could fight him. Should I fight him? Everyone says we’d make a good couple.” (Please note, I know this is not the exact dialogue. I think mine is better, to be frank.)
I’m gonna go ahead and say now that having your best friend who has feelings for you serve as your chief of staff seems like a massive conflict of interest and liability. But what do I know!
Antonio calls Kevin in to be like, “you’re not being fair to Lady Margaret, and you’re holding her back.” I’m now predicting Antonio ends up with Fiona. But Kevin is a G, and he’s not falling for this sh*t at all. He’s like, “if that’s how she felt she’d tell me herself.” BOOOOOOM.
Kevin’s daughter knows the prospect of getting Kevin and Margaret together is bleak, so she proposes Stacy and Margaret switch again so they can finally spend some alone time together without pesky things like ~her royal duties as soon-to-be queen~ getting in the way. Kevin is in on the plan, and they’re keeping Edward in the dark. This seems like an unnecessary liability for their relationship, which we already know is in a rough patch, but ok.
Over in the Bad Place, the demons are doing karaoke (seriously, they just ripped that one scene from The Good Place except they’re singing actual songs, not Nixon’s concession speech). Fiona gets the bright idea that she’s going to pretend to be Margaret long enough to be crowned queen and transfer some money over to an offshore bank account. I mean, as far as evil plans go, this one is not that bad.
Purple Haired Demon realizes a problem with this plan: Princess Margaret will obviously not go along with any of this. So that means they have to kidnap her and tie her up somewhere for a few days. Anddd this Disney movie just turned dark. Damn, Netflix, didn’t think you had it in you!
If I were Margaret and my cousin was calling me “cuzzy” and “Maggy Moo” I would order her execution immediately, just saying.
Poor Edward is being treated like such a rube, with Olivia canceling on him last minute on behalf of Stacy, who suddenly “developed a headache.” Justice for Edward, he doesn’t deserve to be left in the dark like this. Just how do you think this conversation is going to go after this whole scheme is over? “Honey, I know we’re married and supposed to trust each other, but I just needed to keep my identity theft on a need-to-know basis, and you just didn’t make the cut. Yes, an 11-year-old made the cut.” Rough.
Stacy and Margaret make each other over, and over in the Bad Place, Fiona’s minion is dying her wig dark brown, which I think is hilarious because they didn’t bother to cut it before applying the dye. A waste of time and hair dye, just saying!
With the switch in effect, Edward goes to “Margaret” (who is actually Stacy) to ask for advice about Stacy. Edward is like, “things have been weird between us because she’s always busy, and I’m basically making up sh*t to do to stay occupied while she’s busy.” I’m sorry, but one of these people is a PRINCE. And he doesn’t have sh*t to do?? “Margaret”’s sage advice? “Everything will be all right, I promise.” Well, glad we got that cleared up!
Liv distracts Edward by making him take her Christmas shopping. She tells him he’s a “helicopter person” who hovers too much. Sheesh, all I’ve seen from him in this movie so far is simple attentiveness.
And here I thought this Christmas Concert that they keep talking about was going to have like, Adele perform, from the way they hyped it up. No, it’s like a high school orchestra.
Margaret and Kevin’s date in a Christmas market is going ok, they make snowmen and use them as metaphors for their love life.
Margaret: They say love conquers all, but it’s not so straightforward, is it?
Wow. Deep thoughts, Marg. I don’t think anyone has ever taken this phrase literally. Like, with this level of intelligence this woman is going to send an Instagram couple to wage a war, and be like, “what, I thought love conquers all!” Nobody tell her that they say love is a battlefield. Or that love is all you need.
So Kevin’s whole thing boils down to: he wants to “be spontaneous”. Eye roll, spoken like a true man. Just say you want to be able to cheat. He doesn’t want to do the whole royal thing, and Margaret is obviously not going to pass up her one shot to be Queen.
Kevin says he doesn’t want to hold Margaret back, and he says that maybe she’s better off with Antonio.
Margaret: Don’t you see? None of that matters. You’re the one I love, not Tony. You don’t need to be a count or a king. You just need to be… you.
I love people who write movie dialogue, because I’ve been on this Earth for nearly three decades and not once uttered the phrase, “Don’t you see?” unless I was on standing in front of someone waving while they continued to spin around in circles looking for me.
Ok so the theme here is spontaneity, because Kevin goes, “maybe the spontaneous thing to do would be to give us a chance.” And not going to lie, his whole reason for ending things with Margaret in the first place is completely at odds with his so-called goal of spontaneity, because all he wanted was to live a quiet life as a baker. You know what would actually be spontaneous? Picking up and moving to a foreign country.
Back at the palace, the demons’ plans is in full effect, with Mindy (the purple-haired one) spilling a drink on Stacy (who they think is Margaret) so she can get her to the bathroom, where Fiona KNOCKS HER OUT WITH A CHOLOROFORM RAG and they drag her through an alley into a waiting car. Okay, we just went from zero to Criminal Minds episode real quick.
Oh, so this is fun. Fiona doesn’t know they switched places, so they grabbed the wrong Margaret. Margaret confesses that she and Kevin are in love again.
Ok I’m actually confused with this bit where Fiona (pretending to be Margaret, to Margaret) is like, “well what about Edward? I won’t let you cheat on him”. And Real Margaret like, buys it? This disregards the fact that even though Margaret is currently dressed up as Stacy, she is still very much Margaret. I’m super confused so I’ll just leave this here:
Fake Margaret insists “Stacy” (Real Margaret) leave, so she does. I’m confused, does Fiona not know that the person she’s talking to is actually Margaret? Because she just figured out they switched places. So… why is she thinking she can get away with ordering her around? And why does it work? YOU’RE THE ACTUAL QUEEN.
Realizing her two cronies kidnapped the wrong Margaret, they come up with a new plan: move up the coronation so they can transfer the money and GTFO faster. Again, not terrible.
Stacy goes to Edward immediately like, “there’s something I need to tell you”, but he’s like, “me first” and apologizes for helicoptering. But ok, did you not notice that she said that with her Montenaro accent? Ok, he did notice (though not as quickly as I did)—and here is where, like I said, their decision to keep Edward in the dark comes back to bite them in the ass.
At that moment, Mrs. Donatelli storms in to say she’s been fired. And now we have a real pickle on our hands, because we have two Lady Margarets and no way to tell who’s who. If only we could test them by having them recite the Krabby Patty secret recipe.
Kevin comes in to talk to Fiona who is posing as Margaret, and she tells Kevin and Olivia to go home. Kevin is like, “do you really mean it? Because if you do, I’m not coming back. Ever.”
Meanwhile Stacy is still locked in the basement, but these idiots didn’t realize that she has window access.
Kevin and Olivia pack it up, but who’s the cab driver taking them to the airport? THE ELF MAN FROM PRINCESS SWITCH 1!!! Thank god, all hope isn’t lost!
It’s actually hilarious that Prince Edward, Margaret, and Mrs. Donatelli have to go full Da Vinci Code to figure out who’s upstairs pretending to be Margaret when it’s like… WHO ELSE HAS YOUR SAME EXACT FACE?? That’s your answer! The pool of potential suspects cannot be that big!
So Antonio has some redeeming qualities, because he immediately notices that “Margaret” is actually Fiona. This dumbass has a tattoo on her pinky, but Antonio is like, “you should take greater care to cover it up.” Don’t tell her, because then that’s exactly what she’ll do! You idiot.
Ohhhh I see why he did that now, because Antonio gives her two options: give him a piece of the money, or he’ll expose her. I knew these two would end up together.
Damn, this movie has turned into a true crime movie, with Antonio talking about setting up fake charities and shell companies to deposit money into.
Stacy executes a scheme to bust out of the basement, and OH MY GOD THIS GIRL IS SO SLOW RACING UP STAIRS! I know they’re going for dramatic effect and suspense, but a tourist in Times Square could beat this bitch at the speed she’s going.
But she escapes, and Prince Edward delivers a one-two punch that knocks Reggie out. Prince Edward, more like Prince Ali, amirite?
Stacy and Edward make up because nothing gets the romance juices flowing like a K.O. jab.
Sidenote: I love that everyone in this movie pronounces schedule like “shed-yule” to prove they are, in fact, royal.
The coronation is underway, and this bitch Fiona is already f*cking it up because she can’t remember her own names. This isn’t like Amelia Mignonette Thermopolis Renaldi, these names are just Margaret Katherine Claire. That should be easy to remember long enough to parrot back! You don’t even deserve the throne.
Just as she finally gets her name on the third try, in storms the real Margaret with Stacy. Fiona doesn’t even put up a fight or try for this. She really doesn’t deserve it.
Margaret, halfheartedly: Stop. Don’t.
Everyone else: …
Fiona: Oh ok, I confess. You got me.
Like, girl, what?! This is where you pull out your Hail Mary, some dramatic maneuver that still doesn’t work but at least has some flair! You’re really not cut out for a life of scamming if you give up so easily. Fiona does pin the scheme on Antonio, which is maybe the one good thing she’s done this whole movie.
Back in charge, Margaret commands the guards arrest Antonio and take him to the dungeon. Weird that in 2020 this castle has a dungeon that is in use.
LMAO @ Fiona being like, “well technically I didn’t kidnap Margaret, so am I really guilty?”
Stacy and Margaret:
Fiona: But it’s Christmas!
Right, I forgot Christmas is like The Purge, and there’s no such thing as crime. I’m going to remember to break all the laws on Christmas only.
LMAO even harder that Fiona decides to launch into a speech about how her parents never cared about her as much as they care about Margaret, and that she really just wants to be half as accomplished as her cousin. Flattery isn’t going to work here, sister!
Fiona’s like “I behaved abominably and I’m sorry. You’re the only family I truly have.” And Margaret is like, “Oh, ok, I guess I could ask the judge for a reduced sentence.” Seriously? That’s all it takes?! One half-assed apology? This fake country is a joke.
That only leaves one loose end: Kevin.
Kind Elf drops Kevin and Olivia off at the airport (that looks like a mall, not at all like an airport, FWIW). I thought he was supposed to help thwart their escape?? What is he even good for? They’re rushing to make their flight, Margaret is rushing to catch him before they get on the plane, you know the drill.
For a pretty complex scheme, Kevin seems to understand right away what happened. “Oh right, you switched places, your evil cousin Fiona tried to take your place, that was the Margaret who sent me away, not the one standing in front of me. Got it.” Sure, just another day in the life of this woman with the most common face in the world.
They’re both like “I can’t imagine my life without you” (vomit) and Margaret proposes to Kevin. Kevin’s like “LOL that’s so funny! I was gonna ask you last summer!”
They both say yes and kiss and the entire airport claps. And then I found $100!
Margaret spots a priest grabbing a cup of coffee in the terminal and is like, “why don’t we make this official right now?” Dude is trying to get home to see his family, not do work. Leave the man alone.
Continuing with the “spontaneity” theme, they decide to do this shotgun wedding and wing their vows. Ok I see what we’re doing here. A little bit beating me over the head with it, but I get it.
Ok what kind of whack-ass vows are these? “Dearest Kevin, I wish I could promise you the world, but the world’s not mine to give.” Ok but you’re the Queen of a WHOLE ENTIRE COUNTRY, that’s a lot more than most of us can promise to give. Feels like splitting hairs, honestly. Also Kevin’s whole problem was not wanting to be the figurehead of a whole country, so that seems like a moot point to bring up… but ok, you’re right, I’ve way overanalyzed these dumb vows.
The priest is like, “I don’t suppose you have a ring?” And Kevin is like, “It just so happens, I’ve been carrying around this ring that I bought last summer this whole time!” Some people can’t even hold onto their phones for that long.
And with that, the priest has to run to catch his flight. Like, you can’t charter this man a private jet as a thank-you? So ungrateful.
Anyway, it’s coronation time, and I gotta say, the Prime Minister has some nerve showing her face after she almost facilitated a fake coronation. But Margaret gets crowned, everyone is happy, hooray, the end.
And that’s all she wrote! Overall, this was a fun one, and I’m glad they didn’t drag it out any longer than it needed to be, but we really need villains with gumption for the third movie. If you’re just going to give up on your scheme after the first try, then don’t bother scheming at all. What a halfhearted villain. That said, I could see her going quietly into the night as a ruse, and the setup for Princess Switch 3. The only question will be how they would come up with a way to bring a fourth Margaret into the mix, and at what point they realize that having a ruler with an unknown number of body doubles could present a threat to national security.
Images: Courtesy of Netflix; Giphy
If you checked Instagram at all on Wednesday, you probably know that it was Earth Day. Established in 1970, the whole idea of Earth Day is to show support for environmental protection, and acknowledge the importance of protecting our planet. Pretty simple, right? Well, for most of us, this translates to an excuse to repost old travel photos, and write some caption about how much we love the planet. And that’s fine! Especially now that coronavirus has forced all of us to cancel our travel plans for the foreseeable future, it’s good to remind ourselves how great our planet is.
But, as with most things, celebrities love to put their own spin on the meaning of Earth Day, which often means missing the point completely. Here are some celebs who might need a little refresher on what Earth Day is supposed to be.
View this post on Instagram
I love Paris Hilton deeply, but her Instagram is pretty deranged. She exclusively posts videos, most of which are just photos with like, glittery backgrounds. For Earth Day, she posted a few times, but my favorite is this one of her holding a dog (I think?) in front of a picture of Earth. In one of Paris’ other posts, she said that “we have to take care of our world together,” but in this one, she just asks her followers “Which city on Earth do you live in?” I’m not sure exactly what’s wrong with the wording of this question, but something feels off. Either way, Paris is great, and I’m glad she loves Earth.
When it comes to Earth Day on Instagram, posting your coolest travel photos is par for the course. The thing is, most of us could do a lot more to make our trips as sustainable as possible. But while we can all do little things to help the planet while traveling, you know what big thing rich people could do? Stop flying private! Private jets are horrible for the environment, which is why it’s so wild that Real Housewives of Dallas star Kameron Westcott thought she should include a PJ pic in her Earth Day carousel. Kam, no!! I’m not naive enough to think that most of these celebs aren’t flying private, but at least don’t post the jet on Earth Day! It’s just not that hard.
View this post on Instagram
Most of the Kardashian Krew didn’t even post about Earth Day, which might be for the best. God knows we don’t need to see Kylie Jenner posting environmental thirst traps. But Scott Disick didn’t forget about Earth Day! To mark the occasion, he shared a pic of him riding an electric bike on the beach. On the one hand, I guess an electric bike isn’t bad for the planet, but maybe keep it on the sidewalk? Idk, celebrating Earth Day by riding your $2,000 motorbike in nature just feels off to me. Also, is this post sponsored? Because it kind of feels sponsored.
View this post on Instagram
Our sometimes-problematic Coachella queen Vanessa Hudgens obviously had to celebrate Earth Day, which she did… indoors. What’s going on with her? This caption and look are giving me seriously weird vibes, and I need to know if Vanessa is okay. I feel like she’s going to come out of this quarantine as one of those women in Union Square who claims they can read your palm and predict when you’re going to die. Big Professor Trelawney energy, and it’s freaking me out.
View this post on Instagram
Is this what comedy has come to in 2020? I’m supposed to laugh at Nick Viall’s Earth Day post of him running around on a beach with dinosaur arms? Nah, I’m good. I really need to stop following all these Bachelor people on Instagram, because I’m just giving myself a headache at this point.
Among the celebs I stalked, there were lots more Earth Day thirst traps, but whatever, I’m not the bikini pic police. We’re all losing our minds right now, so if you want to post a pic of you looking hot and pretend it’s about the planet, go for it. But don’t forget to like, actually be good to the planet, okay?
Images: Featureflash Photo Agency / Shutterstock.com; parishilton, kameronwestcott, letthelordbewithyou, vanessahudgens, nickviall / Instagram
At this point, we’ve all been stuck inside for a few days (I hope), and it’s easy to start feeling a little crazy. Things are very not normal right now, so it’s important to take deep breaths and just try to keep it together. There are plenty of good approaches to keeping your mental health in a good place right now, but you know what you probably shouldn’t do? Go on Instagram Live and word vomit about what’s happening in the world. That’s what Vanessa Hudgens did yesterday, and well, her career might be COVID-19’s latest victim. We’ve seen other celebs make missteps in the last week, but this might be the worst one yet.
On Monday, Vanessa popped on to IG Live to chat with her followers, as pretty much every celebrity has done over the past few days—especially the thirsty ones. But instead of doing an uplifting at-home concert, like John Legend or Chris Martin, Vanessa treated her fans to some extremely bad takes about the coronavirus pandemic.
In the video, she talked about how sad it is that Coachella was postponed, which is kind of missing the point of this whole situation, but sure, it’s sad, especially when half of your relevance revolves around being photographed at Coachella. But when someone asked for her thoughts on possibly being isolated until July, things unraveled very quickly.
Here’s what she had to say, transcribed with every “like” for full effect: “Til July… sounds like a bunch of bullsh*t. I’m sorry but like it’s a virus, I get it, like I respect it, but at the same time, like, even if everybody gets it, like, yeah, people are going to die, which is terrible, but like… inevitable?”
OOOOOH BOY, this is gonna be FUN. *cracks knuckles*
View this post on Instagram
Joining the worms for brains contingency that seems to be growing larger by the day is BEASTLY star Vanessa Hudgens saying: “I'm sorry but like it's a virus, I get it, like I respect it, but at the same time, like, even if everybody gets it, like, yeah, people are going to die, which is terrible, but like… inevitable?" The degree of cringe is far too much!
Let’s deal with the July bit before we get into the real heavy stuff. Let’s be real—Vanessa knows nothing about what’s going to happen in the next few months, and honestly, neither do I! None of us do for sure! We are not scientists, and none of us have ever experienced anything like this before. Will we be stuck inside until July? I sure hope not (my birthday is in May, and I have PLANS), but I’m also not gonna go on IG Live and pretend I have answers. Right now is all about staying inside, washing your hands, and keeping it positive. Let’s all just take this one day at a time, and not act like experts.
But yeah, the real problem here is obviously the second portion of what she said. Lmao, guess some folks will die, who cares! That’s show biz, baby! Like, Vanessa, NO!!! Baby, what is you doing?! Like, what is her point, even? We shouldn’t cancel Coachella because people are going to die anyway? Even if this is actually how you feel (which is f*cked up), why on earth would you say it publicly for your millions of followers? Right now, the entire world is doing what they can—drastically changing their entire lives—to minimize the spread of coronavirus. So it’s a pretty horrible attitude to be like “yeah, oh well, we all might get it, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.” Vanessa, read the f*cking room!!!
Yesterday, she clearly realized her mistake, and she addressed her comments in an Instagram story. In the video, she said that her words were “taken out of context”, and that she’s obviously taking the situation seriously, because she’s at home right now. She urged her followers to stay inside, which is great, but let’s get back to that “out of context” part.”
Miss Vanessa. Sweetie. I watched the video, we all watched the video, and the context was crystal clear. This isn’t a reality show where you can blame the editors for making you look like a monster. You literally said that people will die like it was no big deal! The whole context was just you live streaming. We took it precisely in context. I get that we’re all going through it right now, but you can miss me with this non-apology.
We’ll see if Vanessa’s publicist tells her to make a better apology, because I have a feeling that’s coming sooner or later. As of right now, her career could be seriously on the rocks due to these horrifyingly insensitive comments. I mean, Netflix might not even want to make Princess Switch 3, and I know that Vanessa wants that sweet Netflix money. Hopefully Vanessa gets her sh*t together and apologizes for real, but she should probably stay off Instagram Live for the foreseeable future.
Images: Featureflash Photo Agency/Shutterstock.com; evanrosskatz / Instagram
There are literally hundreds of celebrity couples, and as hard as I try, I can’t remember all of them. Of course, there are certain famous couples that literally everyone knows (George and Amal, Kim and Kanye, etc.), but there are just as many random celebrity couples that I can never remember, no matter how many times I’ve seen them together.
I feel like everyone talks about random celebrity couples from the past (the ’90s were WILD), but right now I’m more interested in the couples that are still together. I had trouble even writing this article, because I couldn’t remember which couples I couldn’t remember! But I pushed through, and here are six of the most random celebrity couples you might not remember.
Austin Butler & Vanessa Hudgens
This week, when it was announced that Austin Butler will be playing Elvis Presley in an upcoming biopic, it took me a second to remember who he is. In particular, I had completely forgotten that he and Vanessa Hudgens have been together since 2011. That’s a long time! She started dating Austin soon after breaking up with Zac Efron (RIP Zanessa), and they’ve been together ever since.
Dua Lipa & Anwar Hadid
Dua Lipa and Anwar Hadid are one of the newest celebrity couples, so rather than forgetting they’re together, you probably just didn’t know yet. Gigi and Bella’s brother has dated actress Nicola Peltz in the past, as well as being linked to Kendall Jenner. Dua Lipa recently broke up with chef Isaac Carew, after dating him on and off for years. It remains to be seen if this new couple will last, but they’re both very pretty, if nothing else.
Bella Hadid & The Weeknd
Everyone knows about Bella Hadid and The Weeknd’s past relationship, but I always have to double check whether they’re still a thing. The Weeknd famously dated Selena Gomez for a hot minute while they were broken up, but they’ve been back together since last year.
Leighton Meester & Adam Brody
For some reason, I can never get it through my head that Seth Cohen and Blair Waldorf are married to each other. Leighton and Adam met while filming a movie in 2010, and got married in 2014. They seem like a great, drama-free couple, which is probably why I never remember that they’re together.
Taylor Swift & Joe Alwyn
Taylor Swift has had many famous boyfriends in the past, but she’s never kept a relationship private like her current one with Joe Alwyn. Joe is an actor who has been steadily working on some acclaimed movies for a few years now, but he’s yet to really hit it big. This is probably nice for Taylor Swift, who has barely talked about their relationship since they first got together in 2016. If they ever do break up, she’s going to write one hell of an album about it.
Channing Tatum & Jessie J
When Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan announced their divorce last year, it sort of felt like the end of an era. I love Step Up, okay? Well, Channing moved on from Jenna with someone who…looks a lot like Jenna. Jessie J and Channing have kept their relationship pretty under the radar since getting together in late 2018, but they’re photographed out and about together all the time.
Which random pairings did I miss? Which celebrity couples can you just not wrap your head around? Let me know in the comments, because I could talk about this all day.
Images: Vanessa Hudgens; Shutterstock (9)
There’s nothing quite like getting far too invested in a celebrity relationship, am I right? The unadulterated joy you get from projecting your fantasies onto total and complete strangers. The inexplicable rush upon seeing photos of them on a red carpet, looking better than you probably will in your whole life. The perverse satisfaction derived from “insider news” from “trusted sources” that definitely wasn’t planted by either of their publicists. It’s one of the simple, incredibly invasive pleasures of living in the 21st century.
But as the saying goes: celebrities, they’re just like us! Which means their relationships fail, even though we swore this time they wouldn’t. Except what’s different here is that the entire world watches and interjects their unwarranted opinions into what is already a horrifying and traumatic period of two people’s lives. Remember that time, in a blissful era where he wasn’t the leader of the free world, that Donald Trump tweeted (repeatedly) about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart’s breakup? Imagine that, but coming from every mother with a Facebook account across the entire world.
While many celeb breakups are expected, pre-ordained from the moment that first paparazzi photo hits TMZ, there are a handful of splits that managed to send shockwaves around the world, that seemed to rock the very foundation upon which the notion of love so perilously rests. These are their stories.
Vanessa Hudgens And Zac Efron
Listen. I know some of you don’t care about this couple at all and to that I have one thing to say: you’re wrong. Zanessa kicks off our list because, at the tender age of 14, I sat directly behind them on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland and nearly burst into tears afterwards, so believe me when I say my world was rocked by this breakup.
Some of you weren’t in the midst of your painful and pivotal middle school years when High School Musical dropped—meaning your mid-pubescent romantic renaissance wasn’t awoken by the young love between Troy Bolton and Gabriella Montez—and it SHOWS.
Zanessa were the embodiment of young Hollywood from approximately 2005–2010. They were simultaneously everything we wanted to be and everything we could never have. To this day I couldn’t tell you which one I was actually more jealous of, but just that I still think back on them fondly, quietly hoping that they do the same of each other.
Rachel McAdams And Ryan Gosling
Listen: God doesn’t give with two hands. You don’t get to look like Rachel McAdams or Ryan Gosling and then end up with Rachel McAdams or Ryan Gosling. You don’t get to play one of the most essential romantic couples of the 21st century and then live happily ever after together, okay?? That notion, while comforting for the rest of us, doesn’t make this breakup any less sad.
What did, however, make it almost unbearable was knowing that this kind of passion existed in the world and now no longer does. As if we needed one more reminder that nothing good can last forever.
That video looks like it was filmed on a flip phone in the pre-historic era, and that’s because it probably was, but it doesn’t even matter! No amount of terrible camera quality can dampen the raw passion of this scene. Please indulge me for a moment as we all take a stroll down memory lane to the 2005 VMAs.
The award was “Best Kiss” and the competition was nonexistent. The era was peak The Notebook fever, a time when we all actually waxed poetic about Alzheimer’s. This sequence, so choreographed, so perfect, so effortless in its ability to remind us that we are mere mortals existing at the leisure of an indifferent God, will live in infamy.
The “come hither” finger gesture? The effortless lift? The goofy smile on her face afterwards? The casual way Ryan Gosling strolls to the podium with Rachel McAdams resting on his hip like a basket of freshly washed laundry? Unparalleled, all of it. I don’t care if the rest of their relationship was utter garbage; it was all worth it for this sacred moment in pop culture history.
Will Arnett And Amy Poehler
You know how every time any notable celebrity couple breaks up and every single person in the universe takes to Twitter to say the exact same thing: love is dead!!!! Amy and Will were that first couple for me.
These two were a beacon of hope in my early-adolescence, a North star by which I could guide my own life. You see, Will and Amy instilled in me the (wildly naïve) belief that one day, I too could marry a man just as funny as I, and then we could live the rest of our lives together being funnier than everyone else. What can I say? I was young. I was innocent. I was still under the incredibly mistaken impression that Will Arnett was as funny as Amy Poehler.
Regardless, the end of Will and Amy was the end of an era, one in which we all breathed a little lighter and dreamed a little higher. At least we have their adorable, inexplicably red-haired children to remember them by.
Jennifer Aniston And Brad Pitt
This breakup wasn’t sad so much for the end of the relationship itself, but more so because of what it created. The end of Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt kicked off a decade long, unnecessarily cruel Spinster Hunt, targeted at a woman who deserved not one bit of it, instead of the man who cheated on her. Weird, right? Almost like double standards exist or something.
You want to talk about life being unfair? Let’s talk about Jennifer Aniston. I mean, sure, she gets to look like Jennifer Aniston. But I think she earned those arms and the rest of that age-proof body after going through what she did.
First, her husband cheats on her with Angelina Jolie, another woman so inhumanely beautiful that it breaks my brain to imagine them existing on the same plane of existence. Then the two suffer a public, nasty divorce, during which constant media coverage compares and contrasts two women who have no business being pitted against one another.
From then on out, no matter the circumstance, Jennifer will be harassed throughout every relationship she pursues. If she’s happy and thriving, it’s a countdown to the inevitable doom. If it ends, for any reason whatsoever, headlines everywhere read “Will Jennifer Ever Find Love Again?” or “Jennifer Alone Forever.” The woman can’t win.
And now, nearly 14 years later, the rumors have started up again! Will they? Won’t they? What does Angelina think? What kind of woman takes back a cheating husband? How much more money can we squeeze out of this tired story?
Leave Jennifer alone! Let her live! Let her f*ck her stupid hot ex if she wants to! Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk!
John Krasinski And Emily Blunt
JUST KIDDING! But please take this as my formal notice that, in the event of this ever happening, I will be shipping myself to the convent that Katy Perry keeps trying to steal from those nuns.
Images: Giphy (5)
It’s officially after Thanksgiving, which means that, like it or not, Christian or not, we are now in full-on Christmas mode. So I decided I would lean into the holiday spirit this year and watch one of the hundreds of Christmas movies Netflix has pumped out this holiday season. There were so many to choose from, but I decided to go with The Princess Switch. Why? Because I wanted to see what Vanessa Hudgens has been up to, and I always find it funny when actors play their own twins in movies, as if we don’t have eyes. So without further ado, let’s get into my honest and not-at-all-salty The Princess Switch recap.
The movie opens in Chicago (I thought it was New York, tbh, but later found out the entire movie—including the Chicago scenes—was actually filmed in Romania), and we see Vanessa Hudgens working at a bakery, that she presumably owns. Isn’t she a little young? Meh, whatever. Vanssa has a hot sous chef, and I didn’t realize bakeries had sous chefs, so I’ve already learned two things less than one and a half minutes into this movie. An hour and 41 minutes well spent.
Hot Sous Chef has a daughter (zaddy), and Vanessa is her godmother. There’s apparently some big Christmas baking show in a place called Belgravia (is that like, the sister country to Genovia?) that Vanessa Hudgens has been wanting to enter in forever, but never did, presumably because she never thought she was good enough, or never had enough time. Just Christmas movie things! For once, I’d like to see the lead in a Christmas movie have high self-esteem and enjoy hoeing.
However, back to this baking contest. Now, this is not any cookie making contest. This is a ROYAL baking contest, with a formal invitation and everything. Enclosed with the invitation is a photo of a hot prince. You don’t need to have eyes to see where this is going.
Vanessa is like “We can’t close the bakery right before Christmas!” and Hot Sous Chef is like “B*tch you haven’t done sh*t since your last boyfriend dumped you, it’s time to live a little.” This will be a recurring theme throughout the movie.
Vanessa exits the store and gives what appears to be a Salvation Army man some money, at which point they have an entire conversation about how she wishes she had someone to spend Christmas with (thirstyyyy). He says “Christmas wishes have been known to come true.” And that’s how I know some fantastical sh*t is going down in this movie—I don’t even talk to my own therapist this intimately. This girl opened up about her innermost thoughts to a random dude collecting charity money? K.
Vanessa then runs right into her ex, some dude named Paul. Right as he says he’s been thinking about her (lie), some girl comes up, makes out with him on the street, and they do the whole “Who are you?” “I’m Stacey , I’m sure Paul has mentioned me” thing. The gf is like:
Way harsh, Paul.
Vanessa basically decides to go to Belgravia out of spite, just to one-up Paul and his new gf, who are meeting Paul’s parents over Christmas. Honestly, I can relate. Why do I get the feeling that in the entire fictional 3 years Vanessa and Paul dated, she never got to meet his parents? It’s possible I’m just projecting my past traumas here. But I could be right.
She arrives in what’s basically Santa’s Village with Hot Sous Chef and his daughter, and who do you know is there? Salvation Army guy! He explains there’s a royal wedding about to happen. And here I am, watching movies to escape royal wedding bullsh*t. I will never escape Meghan Markle, even in fictional kingdoms. This is my life now.
Salvation Army guy says to Vanessa, totally out of context, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” He’s now the second person to use this cliche so far in this movie. Oh boy, I sense a moral coming on.
Okay so at the place where the contest is being held, some redhead named Brianna Michael comes up to Vanessa, and we learn 3 things: 1) she’s a b*tch. 2) she’s Vanessa’s mortal enemy. 3) she probably slept her way through cooking school. Is slut-shaming really in the Christmas spirit? Brianna purposefully spills some sh*t on Vanessa, because she’s in third grade presumably, and when Vanessa goes to clean up, she literally bumps right into….
HER TWIN. Aka Lady Margaret Delacourt, one half of the couple getting married during the aforementioned royal wedding. For someone claiming to be from a fictional land called “Montenaro”, she’s speaking with a weird British accent. Vanessa Hudgens is no Lindsay Lohan, I’ll say that. But seriously, it’s like Vanessa Hudgens studied Lindsay Lohan’s British accent as her barometer for what constitutes a good British accent.
Lady Delacourt asks Stacey (I can’t keep using Vanessa because now there are two) for her help with her wedding cake. Sure, totally normal to ask of someone you’ve known for 10 seconds. Don’t you have royal bakers for this??
Stacey runs off, and Hot Sous Chef’s kid is all, “I wish you and Stacey were dating.” Hot Sous Chef is all, “nah, she’s just a friend.”
Okay so this wedding cake meeting is actually a ruse. Lady Delacourt doesn’t need help with her cake, but what she does want is to switch places with Stacey for two days. So this is really a Parent Trap/Lizzie McGuire situation. What could go wrong? Umm, the baking contest for one?? Ugh, these two are gonna “switch back at midnight” the night before the competition. Why do you have to go all Cinderella with this sh*t? Why can’t you just switch at like, 5pm, like work shifts?
British Vanessa: So you’ll do it?
American Vanessa: Well, why not? Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans!
F*cking kill me with this sh*t.
So now we’re treated to a makeover and royal lesson montage. Let me just say, British Vanessa is no Julie Andrews, and whoever gave her this sh*tty lob is no Paolo.
While all this is happening, there’s some random red headed lady creepily watching in the corner. Is she like, an aide? TBD.
The Prince or whoever shows up, so the real British Vanessa hides behind a couch. It goes about as well as you’d expect. Honestly this whole movie is a lot of “don’t look over there while I dramatically gesture and keep glancing in the exact place I don’t want you to look!”
Real British Vanessa sets off to sight-see with Hot Sous Chef and his daughter, while Fake British Vanessa goes off to attend meetings. Gotta say, this feels like the worst trade deal in history, possibly ever.
Okay so the redheaded aide has basically been looking after The Duchess since she was a child. She seems weirdly invested in this plan, though. Like, why are you so down with a random woman impersonating your boss for a few days? Am I alone in this?
Once alone, American Vanessa immediately goes to the Duchess’s closet to try on her fancy hats, as ya do. The Prince shows up and quotes The Little Prince, you know that book you read in middle school French class? And American Vanessa acts like he just wrote her a personalized poem. It’s a very famous book! That’s not impressive! Also, there are way better quotes from The Little Prince! I would know—I almost got one tattooed on me, before realizing my dad is disappointed me enough as it is already and I didn’t need to add another reason. Moving on.
Vanessa shows up to breakfast with the King and Queen in the same outfit as the day before. Aren’t there some royal rules about this? And…surprise!!! The Prince canceled his meeting with Spain to spend more time with his fiancée. This means they’re going horseback riding ($10 say American Vanessa has never ridden a horse). Meanwhile, King What’s His Name has noticed the Duchess has been acting weird and tells one of his butlers or someone, who just looks evil, to keep an eye on her. Dramaaaa!
The horseback riding, predictably, goes horribly. The Prince at one point wipes something away from Vanessa’s eye, and she practically jumps his bones right then and there. I mean, like, damn I haven’t had sex in 357 days, but even I wouldn’t orgasm at a guy wiping away an eyelash. Then Vanessa decides to go all Women’s March on the Prince when he suggests she plan their wedding instead of getting involved in international politics. Like, number one, isn’t the wedding in a week? What’s left to plan? Number two, should you really be like, f*cking up international relations when you’re supposed to be out of the picture a day from now? I’m all for women getting involved in politics, but this does not seem like the time or place.
British Vanessa, Hot Sous Chef, and the daughter go to paint ornaments or some sh*t, when Salvation Army dude walks up to be like, “Hey, Hot Sous Chef, you should date Vanessa.” Sounding like my dad on Thanksgiving. Mind your own business, old man!
Back at the palace, the Prince apologizes to Vanessa for being an ass. He’s like, “you’re gonna be my wife, if you have political opinions I want to know them.” And just like that, we brought about gender equality! Good work, everybody. Let’s pack it in.
No seriously, can we pack it in? I’m already regretting committing to this movie. It’s why I don’t usually watch movies—I have commitment issues.
Vanessa and the prince go to some charity ball, and this hoe is SMITTEN. Like, what? You don’t even know this dude! Don’t go all Meghan Markle on me and give up your whole life and career for a dude you don’t even know. That’s not what Christmas is about!
Immediately upon arriving at the charity ball, Vanessa grills the King and Queen about the details of the homeless shelter this charity is supposedly for. SMH, she has no manners. But also, the King and Queen being like “we don’t concern ourselves with the details of the charities we donate to” is very #richpeoplethings. In retaliation, the king and queen are like “Hey aren’t you an awesome piano player? Go play something for us!” LOL and that’s why you don’t shade the king and queen. The Prince bails her ass out and they do a duet, and everybody claps and nobody notices he just had to teach her how to play two chords. TWO.
The Prince goes looking for the Duchess, and who does he run into? Salvation Army man and his meddling ass, telling him they make a good couple. The Prince finds Vanessa in the gazebo, where they proceed to dance. Christ, it’s like they took the most cliche part of every existing holiday movie and just shoddily sewed it together.
I’ve just been alerted that Hot Sous Chef’s name is Kevin, and he is a hottie WITH. A. BODY. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to be stalking his Instagram and sliding into his DMs. His name is Nick Sagar and his handle is @nickdsagar. That is my charitable contribution for the year. You’re welcome.
I’m skipping a lot in the middle because it’s just dumb sh*t. American Vanessa (while pretending to be British Vanessa) gets way too excited to bake cookies for some orphans, and this is apparently a huge royal scandal. You’re not supposed to actually care about the peasants, you’re only supposed to pretend to care! Then she and Real British Vanessa almost run into each other at a toy store. They narrowly miss each other because British Vanessa pretends to drop an earring, and the redheaded aide fakes the worst fainting spell I’ve ever seen.
Legit worse than this:
Ugh, now the orphans are singing “We Wish You A Merry Christmas”. Jesus Christ. Everyone is acting so shocked that the Duchess would dare give a sh*t about some poor orphans she doesn’t know, calling it “undignified”. Like damn, how savage is the royal family normally that you can’t bother to care about CHILDREN?
For the second time this movie, the Prince and Duchess are standing under mistletoe. I think the best part about this is how someone always has to point it out. They’re like “excuse me, I don’t mean to bother you, but you’re standing under the mistletoe.” Like this is some national f*cking emergency and not a made-up Christmas tradition.
Kevin’s daughter says to the real Duchess, “I wish you could stay.” Damn, that’s cold! Stacey’s known you your whole life, she’s your GODMOTHER, and you’re just gonna sell her out like that? Smh, these kids ain’t loyal.
While Fake American Vanessa and Kevin watch A Christmas Prince (lol nice job Netflix, I see what you did there), the Prince gives the other Vanessa his family crest. It’s supposed to be meaningful or whatever; to me it kind of reads like when Pete Davidson gave Ariana Grande his dad’s pendant. Meanwhile, Kevin gives his Vanessa a picture of him, his daughter, Vanessa, and Santa in a locket. Kevin puts the necklace on her and SHOOTS HIS SHOT. He confesses his love to Vanessa, and oh god, this is going to get messy when the real Vanessa comes back and isn’t into him at all.
So both Vanessas meet up to make the switch back, and they both gush about their respective dudes. Okay but really, how in love with someone can you be after three days?? I know this is a movie and all, but come tf on. I can’t with this. Y’all can just go back to your lives as normal and find other dudes to date because YOU DO NOT FALL PERMANENTLY IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE AFTER TWO DAYS!! This isn’t How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days. Actually, lol, it’s worse.
Also are we not gonna talk about how Vanessa and Kevin’s kid legit ripped off the handshake from The Parent Trap? Plagiarism!
Oh yeah while all this is going on, creepy butler dude took a few pictures of both Vanessas together and then tries to bring it to the king to like, blackmail them I guess.
So when the real Duchess gets back, she’s hemming and hawing about having to go back to her old royal life and she’s like “ugh I don’t wanna marry this guy but it’s my duty.” The redheaded aid gives her that sh*tty crest thing that legit has rhinestones all over it.
Aid: What does it say?
Duchess: Honor. Nobility. Loyalty. (Or whatever the f*ck.)
Aid: But notice how it doesn’t say duty? See what I did there??
OHhHHH snap, y’all are idiots. What’s your long-term plan? Having this b*tch fake an accent for the REST OF HER LIFE?
Meanwhile the baking competition started, and this sh*t ain’t no Great British Baking Show, I’ll just say that much.
So the queen finds out about our Parent Trap situation and sets Margaret tf up. She’s like “Hey Margaret, why don’t you go to the baking competition where your twin will definitely be?” The Queen is a messy b*tch who lives for drama, and I am HERE FOR IT.
At the baking competition, Brianna (the evil redhead, not the aide) has cut Stacey’s mixing line, meaning she has to do all the mixing by hand. And suddenly, we’re in an episode of Cutthroat Kitchen in this b*tch. Also like, wtf is up with the security in this so-called “royal” baking competition? Like nobody noticed that this girl’s station has been sabotaged? Can she not get another mixer? I’m sorry, I’m going to need Noel and Sandi to come out and explain the parameters of this contest before moving forward.
Also, you’re putting a raspberry filling in your holiday cake? RASPBERRY?? Paul and Prue would not be down with this. That’s not a holiday flavor. You’re not gonna give me like, gingerbread? Nutmeg? Allspice? What is this???
In any case, Brianna comes in second place, and our girl Stacey obviously wins, inappropriate filling or not. And here we go, the Prince and Duchess are going to present the award. Uh oh. Here we go. All of Belgravia is shooketh, and Kevin does the worst surprise face I’ve ever seen. But he’s pretty, so I’ll allow it.
Nobody else is concerned, and somehow it’s chill for them all to go backstage to be like “lol ya we switched places, isn’t it funny?”
Margaret is like “but, there’s more”.
Me: SHE’S PREGNANT!
Lol sadly no, Margaret is like “we should actually switch places permanently.” And wtf, how is Kevin gonna legit swap out the girl he’s been in love with for his whole life for her lookalike? He’s no Drake, Drake said if his girl had a twin he would still choose her. THESE HOES AIN’T LOYAL!!!!
This is legit such trash. All the dudes were like “lol k, sounds good.” FINALLY real American Vanessa has the common sense to be like “yeah I can’t just f*ck up three people’s lives because we had a good kiss the other night.”
Oh and here we have this b*tch being like “loving me isn’t according to plan”. Ok so who’s gonna be the one to say “life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans”? Do I say it??? What a missed opportunity. Stacey is like to the prince, “I’ve loved you more than I’ve loved anyone my whole life.” Wow, how does Paul, her ex of THREE YEARS, factor into this? Nobody is f*cking loyal in this movie.
L-O-FREAKIN-LLLL the prince gets down on one knee to…. Ask Stacey if she would marry him in a year if she still loves him. What kind of Jonas Brother promise ring B.S. is this? And everyone in the crowd is like “lol, amazing!” and breaks into applause. But like, what? Y’all haven’t even been briefed on the situation. Even snotty redhead is begrudgingly clapping. I guess it’s the power of true love??
Cut to, presumably the next year at Christmas, where Edward (that is the Prince’s name, took me all movie to get it right) and Stacey are married. Kevin and Margaret are still together. A random little girl (I think she was one of the orphans, how tf did she score a coveted wedding invite?) runs up to be like, “you’re a real princess now, aren’t you?” and Stacey is like “I guess Christmas wishes do come true.” I’ve got to ask, what is it about Christmas in particular that supposedly makes wishes come true? Does this work for other holidays? Can I be making Passover wishes? Just asking.
Stacey throws the bouquet, and I don’t even need to tell y’all who caught it. You don’t need to be psychic to figure it out. Goodbye. I’m f*ckin out of here. Kevin, call me.
After Kevin is like “hold onto that bouquet, you might need it on New Year’s” (hasn’t anyone told him not to basically propose at someone else’s wedding??) there’s a montage of everyone giving each other the thumbs up (why?), and American Vanessa Hudgens giggling crazily at her prince.
Andddd that’s it! Thanks for reading, if you made it this far. Let me know if you want a recap of other Christmas movies, or other movies in general, and I’ll try to get over my commitment issues. Happy holidays!
Images: Netflix; Giphy (6)