The Best New Year’s Eve Movies To Watch At Home This Year

One of the reasons why New Year’s Eve is one of my favorite holidays is because you never know what to expect, *sigh* but this year isn’t like the others… As we are all aware, celebrating New Year’s Eve this year will be a lot different than what we are used to, and we just have to make the best of it. That’s why my winter break has been filled with quality family time watching holiday movies in the comfort of my home, and I have been loving every minute of it!  

So I figured this would be the perfect time to give you my favorite NYE movies that will get you in the spirit of the new year. For anyone that is looking for a classic, a romantic comedy, or a crime/thriller/suspense film, look no further!

‘New Year’s Eve’

This is a given. The star-studded cast is giving all of the NYE vibes that we can’t really have this year, so it’s the perfect substitute. If you are a Love, Actually fan and you’re all about the multiple storylines that eventually come together at the end of the movie, this one’s for you. Ever since this movie came out, I don’t think I’ve ever gone through the holidays without watching it!

‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that we can all relate to Bridget Jones to some degree. After her parents’ New Year’s party, she decides to keep a diary to track her New Year’s resolutions, which include losing weight, quitting smoking, and finding the man of her dreams. But shortly after, she ends up being stuck in a love triangle with her childhood acquaintance Mark Darcy and her boss Daniel Cleaver (so basically, all of us trying to stick to our own resolutions). 

‘About Time’

How could I not include a rom-com with Rachel McAdams? For any of you that may not know this movie, the main character Tim Lake learns from his father that the men of his family have the ability to travel back in time. When Tim first tries it at a family gathering on New Year’s Eve, he decides he’ll only use it to improve his love life (if only we had the ability to do the same). 

‘The Godfather Part II’

For anyone that wants to kill time on NYE and forget 2020 ever happened, this movie is over three hours long and it will definitely take your mind off everything. I’m all for classic, intense films, and the fact that this has an iconic cast with an eventful New Year’s party makes this a must-see around this time of the year.

‘When Harry Met Sally’

Whenever you last watched When Harry Met Sally, it’s always time for a rewatch. Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan (aka Harry and Sally) share a car ride to New York City, and they basically have nothing in common. Throughout the movie, over a span of 12 years, Harry and Sally run into each other at the most random times, and we see their relationship grow and evolve, all leading up to a New Year’s Eve party. This one gives me all the feels.

‘Sleepless In Seattle’ 

You can never have too many Meg Ryan movies, right? Anyone that loves When Harry Met Sally will also love this timeless classic rom-com. This love story is a total must-see and will definitely get you in the mood for the new year.

‘High School Musical’ 

Before you start asking questions, just remember that the beginning of this movie takes place on NYE, where Troy and Gabriella have their fateful first meeting while on vacation. I honestly look for any excuse to watch this Disney Channel classic. Whether you’re celebrating solo or in a small gathering this year, this movie is great for anyone that is looking for a singalong film to end 2020 on a positive note!

Images: Disney Channel; Giphy (7)

An Honest Recap Of ‘The Princess Switch: Switched Again’

Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and welcome to my The Princess Switch: Switched Again recap. Now, when I had initially set out to do this recap, I had some pretty lofty goals. “I’ll have to watch Princess Switch again,” I told myself. Then I downgraded to, “ok, I’ll at least re-read my own recap.” And then, that became, “well surely, they’ll have a ‘what you missed on Princess Switch 1…’ montage at the beginning of the sequel, right?” In the end, laziness won out and I decided to write this recap going off my memory of the first movie, which includes bits and pieces of things like Chicago, a baking contest, a little old elf man who provided wisdom along the way, a hot friend named Kevin (who, for the record, can still get it), Vanessa Hudgens as Vanessa Hudgens, Vanessa Hudgens’ horrible foreign accent, and a fictional country named Montenaro. Did I get everything? No? I don’t care.

Well, I’m excited for the sequel because now we don’t have two Vanessa Hudgens, but three, and as a triplet myself I feel that it’s my responsibility to ensure our accurate portrayal in the media. 

Picture it: the year is… two years after the original movie was set. The king of Montenaro has died, meaning that Margaret is now next in line for the throne, which has royally f*cked up her dating life. 

We open back up where we last left off, at Belgravia’s 59th annual baking competition. Stacy is tasked with announcing the winner, who is someone named Zach from Munich that we’re supposed to remember was in the first movie. The only other baker I remember was that bitchy redhead. Anyone else?

Back at the castle, Prince Edward and Stacy are a little strained because Edward is too busy running around and running a country, and Stacy is busy… giving out ribbons and halfhearted speeches about the power of Christmas. 

Ok so Kevin and Margaret BROKE UP?? All that buildup for nothing! Kevin seems to be really done with Margaret, too, because he turned down the invitation to Margaret’s coronation (which is happening on Christmas, for no reason other than the fact that it has to give this plot a connection to Christmas, however tenuous). 

Prince Edward: Well he turned down the invite, so there ya go.
Stacy: Men never know what they want.

I mean, she’s not wrong.

Stacy has a brilliant idea: to go to Chicago on the way to Montenaro. Now, my knowledge of geography of fictional European-esque countries is admittedly spotty, but I have a feeling Chicago is not on the way. If we had a Genovia-like country in the middle of the Midwest this entire time, I think I would have heard about it!

In Chitown, Zaddy Kevin is supposed to look dumpy since his breakup (Stacy makes a comment, “you look…comfortable”) but I’m not buying it. His beard is fuller, his skin is clear, sure, he’s wearing a hoodie and a backwards hat, but he can (say it with me now) still get it.

Stacy: You’re wearing sweatpants, you won’t date, and you’re collecting cats.

It’s called BEING IN QUARANTINE, ok Stacy? Sheesh, have a little understanding.

Stacy gives him the invite to the coronation like, “two years ago, you gave me an invitation that changed my life. Now it’s time for me to return the favor.”

Kevin says he and Margaret broke up because they “just didn’t want the same things anymore.” Stacy convinces him to go to the coronation as a friend.

Ugh, Margaret is back, and her accent is as horrible as ever. I feel like Vanessa Hudgens studied Lindsay Lohan’s accent in The Parent Trap for this role.

Inside the palace, all the furniture is covered with sheets. This is a bit of a snafu because Margaret’s supposed to be throwing a Christmas ball in this very palace. Margaret is saying how the palace doesn’t feel like home. Did she not grow up there? HOW does this country’s line of succession work?? We went from King to the King’s brother to… nobody else was available in between so they just picked a random Duchess? Why this Duchess?

Our first musical montage break comes in the form of the old pals agreeing to help Margaret decorate the palace for Christmas. Half a song later and with no outside assistance from staff, the palace is fully decked out.

Kevin and Margaret are tasked with baking something (weird because one of the other people with that same face is a professional baker), and a flour fight ensues. They are interrupted by Antonio, Margaret’s hot Chief of Staff who definitely has the hots for her. He tears her away to review the coronation practices or whatever “over a cup of tea”, which I feel like is code. I sense a battle of the braun! 

Stacy catches onto this too, because she takes it upon herself to cockblock the sh*t out of Antonio and also wingwoman Kevin. She goes to Margaret like, “you know who’s looking fine lately? Kevin.” AGREE.

This gave me vibes of:

Margaret is like, “Nah but that’s over with, we’re done. Why, did he ask about me? What did he say?” I mean, who among us hasn’t claimed to be over an ex while still pumping our mutual friends for info over whether they were over us?

I will say, the dresses at this ball are amazing. 

Stacy and Edward push Kevin to ask Margaret to dance, but he almost gets beaten to the punch by Antonio, the slick bastard, whose bowtie is almost as wide as his shoulders. What a buffoon.

My man Kevin is pulling out all the moves, asking Margaret to “go for a drive” “as friends.” 

Stacy: What could possibly come between two people who look at each other that way?

Oh, glad you asked, because in waltzes badass blonde British(?) Vanessa Hudgens, who acts like one of the demons who came out of the Bad Place with Adam Scott to terrorize Eleanor and Chidi. If this Amazon wig comes between Margaret and Kevin, then Kev wasn’t as amazing as I thought he was.

Turns out Bad Margaret has a name, that name is Fiona, and Fiona is Marg’s cousin. She’s the duchess of some other fake country called Pembroke. Fiona used the word “cuzzy” in earnest, so I immediately hate this woman. She really is evil.

The funny thing is Bad Margaret is like, “you and Stacy look like twins, that’s so weird,” completely ignoring that she too looks exactly like them. Reminds me of the scene in Parent Trap where Hallie and Annie are like “hmm I guess we look kind of alike except your nose is too big”, when we’re all like, YOU HAVE THE SAME F*CKING FACE.

Fiona’s two demons friends basically set out to pickpocket everyone to pay for their summer in Capri, including stealing Kevin’s wallet. This doesn’t appear to ever be relevant again, so I wonder why they bothered at all. After, they gather to pool their spoils like Janet Snakehole and Burt Macklin after spending two hours stealing from people at the Snakehole Lounge. One of the demons pulls out a roll of toilet paper, insisting it’s double-ply, and let me tell you, back in March, one of those babies could’ve paid for a year in Mykonos.

Just as Margaret and Kevin are supposed to set off on their drive, f*cking Antonio rolls up like, “we have an urgent matter for you to tend to. The matter happens to be in my pants.” 

Sure enough, Margaret is like, “I thought this was urgent?” And Antonio is like, “it is urgent. You’ve urgently become the queen of my heart” and gives her a necklace. This f*ck. This corny f*ck.

Margaret is like, “ehh, I’m not sure” and Antonio is like, “why, because of that Kevin guy? I could fight him. Should I fight him? Everyone says we’d make a good couple.” (Please note, I know this is not the exact dialogue. I think mine is better, to be frank.)

I’m gonna go ahead and say now that having your best friend who has feelings for you serve as your chief of staff seems like a massive conflict of interest and liability. But what do I know!

Antonio calls Kevin in to be like, “you’re not being fair to Lady Margaret, and you’re holding her back.” I’m now predicting Antonio ends up with Fiona. But Kevin is a G, and he’s not falling for this sh*t at all. He’s like, “if that’s how she felt she’d tell me herself.” BOOOOOOM.

Kevin’s daughter knows the prospect of getting Kevin and Margaret together is bleak, so she proposes Stacy and Margaret switch again so they can finally spend some alone time together without pesky things like ~her royal duties as soon-to-be queen~ getting in the way. Kevin is in on the plan, and they’re keeping Edward in the dark. This seems like an unnecessary liability for their relationship, which we already know is in a rough patch, but ok.

Over in the Bad Place, the demons are doing karaoke (seriously, they just ripped that one scene from The Good Place except they’re singing actual songs, not Nixon’s concession speech). Fiona gets the bright idea that she’s going to pretend to be Margaret long enough to be crowned queen and transfer some money over to an offshore bank account. I mean, as far as evil plans go, this one is not that bad.

Purple Haired Demon realizes a problem with this plan: Princess Margaret will obviously not go along with any of this. So that means they have to kidnap her and tie her up somewhere for a few days. Anddd this Disney movie just turned dark. Damn, Netflix, didn’t think you had it in you!

If I were Margaret and my cousin was calling me “cuzzy” and “Maggy Moo” I would order her execution immediately, just saying.

Poor Edward is being treated like such a rube, with Olivia canceling on him last minute on behalf of Stacy, who suddenly “developed a headache.” Justice for Edward, he doesn’t deserve to be left in the dark like this. Just how do you think this conversation is going to go after this whole scheme is over? “Honey, I know we’re married and supposed to trust each other, but I just needed to keep my identity theft on a need-to-know basis, and you just didn’t make the cut. Yes, an 11-year-old made the cut.” Rough.

Stacy and Margaret make each other over, and over in the Bad Place, Fiona’s minion is dying her wig dark brown, which I think is hilarious because they didn’t bother to cut it before applying the dye. A waste of time and hair dye, just saying!

With the switch in effect, Edward goes to “Margaret” (who is actually Stacy) to ask for advice about Stacy. Edward is like, “things have been weird between us because she’s always busy, and I’m basically making up sh*t to do to stay occupied while she’s busy.” I’m sorry, but one of these people is a PRINCE. And he doesn’t have sh*t to do?? “Margaret”’s sage advice? “Everything will be all right, I promise.” Well, glad we got that cleared up! 

Liv distracts Edward by making him take her Christmas shopping. She tells him he’s a “helicopter person” who hovers too much. Sheesh, all I’ve seen from him in this movie so far is simple attentiveness. 

And here I thought this Christmas Concert that they keep talking about was going to have like, Adele perform, from the way they hyped it up. No, it’s like a high school orchestra. 

Margaret and Kevin’s date in a Christmas market is going ok, they make snowmen and use them as metaphors for their love life.

Margaret: They say love conquers all, but it’s not so straightforward, is it?

Wow. Deep thoughts, Marg. I don’t think anyone has ever taken this phrase literally. Like, with this level of intelligence this woman is going to send an Instagram couple to wage a war, and be like, “what, I thought love conquers all!” Nobody tell her that they say love is a battlefield. Or that love is all you need.

So Kevin’s whole thing boils down to: he wants to “be spontaneous”. Eye roll, spoken like a true man. Just say you want to be able to cheat. He doesn’t want to do the whole royal thing, and Margaret is obviously not going to pass up her one shot to be Queen. 

Kevin says he doesn’t want to hold Margaret back, and he says that maybe she’s better off with Antonio.

Margaret: Don’t you see? None of that matters. You’re the one I love, not Tony. You don’t need to be a count or a king. You just need to be… you.

I love people who write movie dialogue, because I’ve been on this Earth for nearly three decades and not once uttered the phrase, “Don’t you see?” unless I was on standing in front of someone waving while they continued to spin around in circles looking for me.

Ok so the theme here is spontaneity, because Kevin goes, “maybe the spontaneous thing to do would be to give us a chance.” And not going to lie, his whole reason for ending things with Margaret in the first place is completely at odds with his so-called goal of spontaneity, because all he wanted was to live a quiet life as a baker. You know what would actually be spontaneous? Picking up and moving to a foreign country.

Back at the palace, the demons’ plans is in full effect, with Mindy (the purple-haired one) spilling a drink on Stacy (who they think is Margaret) so she can get her to the bathroom, where Fiona KNOCKS HER OUT WITH A CHOLOROFORM RAG and they drag her through an alley into a waiting car. Okay, we just went from zero to Criminal Minds episode real quick.

Oh, so this is fun. Fiona doesn’t know they switched places, so they grabbed the wrong Margaret. Margaret confesses that she and Kevin are in love again.

Ok I’m actually confused with this bit where Fiona (pretending to be Margaret, to Margaret) is like, “well what about Edward? I won’t let you cheat on him”. And Real Margaret like, buys it? This disregards the fact that even though Margaret is currently dressed up as Stacy, she is still very much Margaret. I’m super confused so I’ll just leave this here:

spider man

Fake Margaret insists “Stacy” (Real Margaret) leave, so she does. I’m confused, does Fiona not know that the person she’s talking to is actually Margaret? Because she just figured out they switched places. So… why is she thinking she can get away with ordering her around? And why does it work? YOU’RE THE ACTUAL QUEEN. 

Realizing her two cronies kidnapped the wrong Margaret, they come up with a new plan: move up the coronation so they can transfer the money and GTFO faster. Again, not terrible.

Stacy goes to Edward immediately like, “there’s something I need to tell you”, but he’s like, “me first” and apologizes for helicoptering. But ok, did you not notice that she said that with her Montenaro accent? Ok, he did notice (though not as quickly as I did)—and here is where, like I said, their decision to keep Edward in the dark comes back to bite them in the ass. 

At that moment, Mrs. Donatelli storms in to say she’s been fired. And now we have a real pickle on our hands, because we have two Lady Margarets and no way to tell who’s who. If only we could test them by having them recite the Krabby Patty secret recipe.

Kevin comes in to talk to Fiona who is posing as Margaret, and she tells Kevin and Olivia to go home. Kevin is like, “do you really mean it? Because if you do, I’m not coming back. Ever.”

Meanwhile Stacy is still locked in the basement, but these idiots didn’t realize that she has window access.

Kevin and Olivia pack it up, but who’s the cab driver taking them to the airport? THE ELF MAN FROM PRINCESS SWITCH 1!!! Thank god, all hope isn’t lost!

It’s actually hilarious that Prince Edward, Margaret, and Mrs. Donatelli have to go full Da Vinci Code to figure out who’s upstairs pretending to be Margaret when it’s like… WHO ELSE HAS YOUR SAME EXACT FACE?? That’s your answer! The pool of potential suspects cannot be that big!

So Antonio has some redeeming qualities, because he immediately notices that “Margaret” is actually Fiona. This dumbass has a tattoo on her pinky, but Antonio is like, “you should take greater care to cover it up.” Don’t tell her, because then that’s exactly what she’ll do! You idiot.

Ohhhh I see why he did that now, because Antonio gives her two options: give him a piece of the money, or he’ll expose her. I knew these two would end up together.

Damn, this movie has turned into a true crime movie, with Antonio talking about setting up fake charities and shell companies to deposit money into. 

Stacy executes a scheme to bust out of the basement, and OH MY GOD THIS GIRL IS SO SLOW RACING UP STAIRS! I know they’re going for dramatic effect and suspense, but a tourist in Times Square could beat this bitch at the speed she’s going.

But she escapes, and Prince Edward delivers a one-two punch that knocks Reggie out. Prince Edward, more like Prince Ali, amirite?

Stacy and Edward make up because nothing gets the romance juices flowing like a K.O. jab.

Sidenote: I love that everyone in this movie pronounces schedule like “shed-yule” to prove they are, in fact, royal.

The coronation is underway, and this bitch Fiona is already f*cking it up because she can’t remember her own names. This isn’t like Amelia Mignonette Thermopolis Renaldi, these names are just Margaret Katherine Claire. That should be easy to remember long enough to parrot back! You don’t even deserve the throne.

Just as she finally gets her name on the third try, in storms the real Margaret with Stacy. Fiona doesn’t even put up a fight or try for this. She really doesn’t deserve it.

Margaret, halfheartedly: Stop. Don’t.
Everyone else:
Fiona: Oh ok, I confess. You got me.

Like, girl, what?! This is where you pull out your Hail Mary, some dramatic maneuver that still doesn’t work but at least has some flair! You’re really not cut out for a life of scamming if you give up so easily. Fiona does pin the scheme on Antonio, which is maybe the one good thing she’s done this whole movie.

Back in charge, Margaret commands the guards arrest Antonio and take him to the dungeon. Weird that in 2020 this castle has a dungeon that is in use. 

LMAO @ Fiona being like, “well technically I didn’t kidnap Margaret, so am I really guilty?”

Stacy and Margaret: 

cady heron yes

Fiona: But it’s Christmas!

Right, I forgot Christmas is like The Purge, and there’s no such thing as crime. I’m going to remember to break all the laws on Christmas only.

LMAO even harder that Fiona decides to launch into a speech about how her parents never cared about her as much as they care about Margaret, and that she really just wants to be half as accomplished as her cousin. Flattery isn’t going to work here, sister!

Fiona’s like “I behaved abominably and I’m sorry. You’re the only family I truly have.” And Margaret is like, “Oh, ok, I guess I could ask the judge for a reduced sentence.” Seriously? That’s all it takes?! One half-assed apology? This fake country is a joke.

That only leaves one loose end: Kevin.

Kind Elf drops Kevin and Olivia off at the airport (that looks like a mall, not at all like an airport, FWIW). I thought he was supposed to help thwart their escape?? What is he even good for? They’re rushing to make their flight, Margaret is rushing to catch him before they get on the plane, you know the drill. 

For a pretty complex scheme, Kevin seems to understand right away what happened. “Oh right, you switched places, your evil cousin Fiona tried to take your place, that was the Margaret who sent me away, not the one standing in front of me. Got it.” Sure, just another day in the life of this woman with the most common face in the world.

They’re both like “I can’t imagine my life without you” (vomit) and Margaret proposes to Kevin. Kevin’s like “LOL that’s so funny! I was gonna ask you last summer!” 

They both say yes and kiss and the entire airport claps. And then I found $100! 

Margaret spots a priest grabbing a cup of coffee in the terminal and is like, “why don’t we make this official right now?” Dude is trying to get home to see his family, not do work. Leave the man alone. 

Continuing with the “spontaneity” theme, they decide to do this shotgun wedding and wing their vows. Ok I see what we’re doing here. A little bit beating me over the head with it, but I get it.

Ok what kind of whack-ass vows are these? “Dearest Kevin, I wish I could promise you the world, but the world’s not mine to give.” Ok but you’re the Queen of a WHOLE ENTIRE COUNTRY, that’s a lot more than most of us can promise to give. Feels like splitting hairs, honestly. Also Kevin’s whole problem was not wanting to be the figurehead of a whole country, so that seems like a moot point to bring up… but ok, you’re right, I’ve way overanalyzed these dumb vows.

The priest is like, “I don’t suppose you have a ring?” And Kevin is like, “It just so happens, I’ve been carrying around this ring that I bought last summer this whole time!” Some people can’t even hold onto their phones for that long.

And with that, the priest has to run to catch his flight. Like, you can’t charter this man a private jet as a thank-you? So ungrateful.

Anyway, it’s coronation time, and I gotta say, the Prime Minister has some nerve showing her face after she almost facilitated a fake coronation. But Margaret gets crowned, everyone is happy, hooray, the end.

And that’s all she wrote! Overall, this was a fun one, and I’m glad they didn’t drag it out any longer than it needed to be, but we really need villains with gumption for the third movie. If you’re just going to give up on your scheme after the first try, then don’t bother scheming at all. What a halfhearted villain. That said, I could see her going quietly into the night as a ruse, and the setup for Princess Switch 3. The only question will be how they would come up with a way to bring a fourth Margaret into the mix, and at what point they realize that having a ruler with an unknown number of body doubles could present a threat to national security.

Images: Courtesy of Netflix; Giphy

5 Celebs Who Missed The Point Of Earth Day

If you checked Instagram at all on Wednesday, you probably know that it was Earth Day. Established in 1970, the whole idea of Earth Day is to show support for environmental protection, and acknowledge the importance of protecting our planet. Pretty simple, right? Well, for most of us, this translates to an excuse to repost old travel photos, and write some caption about how much we love the planet. And that’s fine! Especially now that coronavirus has forced all of us to cancel our travel plans for the foreseeable future, it’s good to remind ourselves how great our planet is.

But, as with most things, celebrities love to put their own spin on the meaning of Earth Day, which often means missing the point completely. Here are some celebs who might need a little refresher on what Earth Day is supposed to be.

Paris Hilton

 

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Happy #EarthDay 😍🌏 Which city on Earth do you live in? 🤔

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I love Paris Hilton deeply, but her Instagram is pretty deranged. She exclusively posts videos, most of which are just photos with like, glittery backgrounds. For Earth Day, she posted a few times, but my favorite is this one of her holding a dog (I think?) in front of a picture of Earth. In one of Paris’ other posts, she said that “we have to take care of our world together,” but in this one, she just asks her followers “Which city on Earth do you live in?” I’m not sure exactly what’s wrong with the wording of this question, but something feels off. Either way, Paris is great, and I’m glad she loves Earth.

Kameron Westcott

When it comes to Earth Day on Instagram, posting your coolest travel photos is par for the course. The thing is, most of us could do a lot more to make our trips as sustainable as possible. But while we can all do little things to help the planet while traveling, you know what big thing rich people could do? Stop flying private! Private jets are horrible for the environment, which is why it’s so wild that Real Housewives of Dallas star Kameron Westcott thought she should include a PJ pic in her Earth Day carousel. Kam, no!! I’m not naive enough to think that most of these celebs aren’t flying private, but at least don’t post the jet on Earth Day! It’s just not that hard.

Scott Disick

 

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Earth day at its finest on my @juicedbikes

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Most of the Kardashian Krew didn’t even post about Earth Day, which might be for the best. God knows we don’t need to see Kylie Jenner posting environmental thirst traps. But Scott Disick didn’t forget about Earth Day! To mark the occasion, he shared a pic of him riding an electric bike on the beach. On the one hand, I guess an electric bike isn’t bad for the planet, but maybe keep it on the sidewalk? Idk, celebrating Earth Day by riding your $2,000 motorbike in nature just feels off to me. Also, is this post sponsored? Because it kind of feels sponsored.

Vanessa Hudgens

 

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Tea, wind, new moon and earth day. A pretty great combination 🌑🌍🌿🐚💚

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Our sometimes-problematic Coachella queen Vanessa Hudgens obviously had to celebrate Earth Day, which she did… indoors. What’s going on with her? This caption and look are giving me seriously weird vibes, and I need to know if Vanessa is okay. I feel like she’s going to come out of this quarantine as one of those women in Union Square who claims they can read your palm and predict when you’re going to die. Big Professor Trelawney energy, and it’s freaking me out.

Nick Viall

 

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Crazy to think Dinosaurs once roamed this planet. #happyearthday🌎

A post shared by Nick Viall (@nickviall) on

Is this what comedy has come to in 2020? I’m supposed to laugh at Nick Viall’s Earth Day post of him running around on a beach with dinosaur arms? Nah, I’m good. I really need to stop following all these Bachelor people on Instagram, because I’m just giving myself a headache at this point.

Among the celebs I stalked, there were lots more Earth Day thirst traps, but whatever, I’m not the bikini pic police. We’re all losing our minds right now, so if you want to post a pic of you looking hot and pretend it’s about the planet, go for it. But don’t forget to like, actually be good to the planet, okay?

Images: Featureflash Photo Agency / Shutterstock.com; parishilton, kameronwestcott, letthelordbewithyou, vanessahudgens, nickviall / Instagram

Vanessa Hudgens Had The Worst Response To COVID-19 Yet

At this point, we’ve all been stuck inside for a few days (I hope), and it’s easy to start feeling a little crazy. Things are very not normal right now, so it’s important to take deep breaths and just try to keep it together. There are plenty of good approaches to keeping your mental health in a good place right now, but you know what you probably shouldn’t do? Go on Instagram Live and word vomit about what’s happening in the world. That’s what Vanessa Hudgens did yesterday, and well, her career might be COVID-19’s latest victim. We’ve seen other celebs make missteps in the last week, but this might be the worst one yet.

On Monday, Vanessa popped on to IG Live to chat with her followers, as pretty much every celebrity has done over the past few days—especially the thirsty ones. But instead of doing an uplifting at-home concert, like John Legend or Chris Martin, Vanessa treated her fans to some extremely bad takes about the coronavirus pandemic.

In the video, she talked about how sad it is that Coachella was postponed, which is kind of missing the point of this whole situation, but sure, it’s sad, especially when half of your relevance revolves around being photographed at Coachella. But when someone asked for her thoughts on possibly being isolated until July, things unraveled very quickly.

Here’s what she had to say, transcribed with every “like” for full effect: “Til July… sounds like a bunch of bullsh*t. I’m sorry but like it’s a virus, I get it, like I respect it, but at the same time, like, even if everybody gets it, like, yeah, people are going to die, which is terrible, but like… inevitable?”

OOOOOH BOY, this is gonna be FUN. *cracks knuckles*

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Joining the worms for brains contingency that seems to be growing larger by the day is BEASTLY star Vanessa Hudgens saying: “I'm sorry but like it's a virus, I get it, like I respect it, but at the same time, like, even if everybody gets it, like, yeah, people are going to die, which is terrible, but like… inevitable?" The degree of cringe is far too much!

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Let’s deal with the July bit before we get into the real heavy stuff. Let’s be real—Vanessa knows nothing about what’s going to happen in the next few months, and honestly, neither do I! None of us do for sure! We are not scientists, and none of us have ever experienced anything like this before. Will we be stuck inside until July? I sure hope not (my birthday is in May, and I have PLANS), but I’m also not gonna go on IG Live and pretend I have answers. Right now is all about staying inside, washing your hands, and keeping it positive. Let’s all just take this one day at a time, and not act like experts.

But yeah, the real problem here is obviously the second portion of what she said. Lmao, guess some folks will die, who cares! That’s show biz, baby! Like, Vanessa, NO!!! Baby, what is you doing?! Like, what is her point, even? We shouldn’t cancel Coachella because people are going to die anyway? Even if this is actually how you feel (which is f*cked up), why on earth would you say it publicly for your millions of followers? Right now, the entire world is doing what they can—drastically changing their entire lives—to minimize the spread of coronavirus. So it’s a pretty horrible attitude to be like “yeah, oh well, we all might get it, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.” Vanessa, read the f*cking room!!!

Yesterday, she clearly realized her mistake, and she addressed her comments in an Instagram story. In the video, she said that her words were “taken out of context”, and that she’s obviously taking the situation seriously, because she’s at home right now. She urged her followers to stay inside, which is great, but let’s get back to that “out of context” part.”

Miss Vanessa. Sweetie. I watched the video, we all watched the video, and the context was crystal clear. This isn’t a reality show where you can blame the editors for making you look like a monster. You literally said that people will die like it was no big deal! The whole context was just you live streaming. We took it precisely in context. I get that we’re all going through it right now, but you can miss me with this non-apology.

We’ll see if Vanessa’s publicist tells her to make a better apology, because I have a feeling that’s coming sooner or later. As of right now, her career could be seriously on the rocks due to these horrifyingly insensitive comments. I mean, Netflix might not even want to make Princess Switch 3and I know that Vanessa wants that sweet Netflix money. Hopefully Vanessa gets her sh*t together and apologizes for real, but she should probably stay off Instagram Live for the foreseeable future.

Images: Featureflash Photo Agency/Shutterstock.com; evanrosskatz / Instagram

6 Celebrity Couples You Totally Forgot Are Still Together

There are literally hundreds of celebrity couples, and as hard as I try, I can’t remember all of them. Of course, there are certain famous couples that literally everyone knows (George and Amal, Kim and Kanye, etc.), but there are just as many random celebrity couples that I can never remember, no matter how many times I’ve seen them together.

I feel like everyone talks about random celebrity couples from the past (the ’90s were WILD), but right now I’m more interested in the couples that are still together. I had trouble even writing this article, because I couldn’t remember which couples I couldn’t remember! But I pushed through, and here are six of the most random celebrity couples you might not remember.

Austin Butler & Vanessa Hudgens

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He’s my maaaaan ❤️date night ❤️ @vanityfair @austinbutler ? @justjared

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This week, when it was announced that Austin Butler will be playing Elvis Presley in an upcoming biopic, it took me a second to remember who he is. In particular, I had completely forgotten that he and Vanessa Hudgens have been together since 2011. That’s a long time! She started dating Austin soon after breaking up with Zac Efron (RIP Zanessa), and they’ve been together ever since.

Dua Lipa & Anwar Hadid

Dua Lipa and Anwar Hadid are one of the newest celebrity couples, so rather than forgetting they’re together, you probably just didn’t know yet. Gigi and Bella’s brother has dated actress Nicola Peltz in the past, as well as being linked to Kendall Jenner. Dua Lipa recently broke up with chef Isaac Carew, after dating him on and off for years. It remains to be seen if this new couple will last, but they’re both very pretty, if nothing else.

Bella Hadid & The Weeknd

Everyone knows about Bella Hadid and The Weeknd’s past relationship, but I always have to double check whether they’re still a thing. The Weeknd famously dated Selena Gomez for a hot minute while they were broken up, but they’ve been back together since last year.

Leighton Meester & Adam Brody

For some reason, I can never get it through my head that Seth Cohen and Blair Waldorf are married to each other. Leighton and Adam met while filming a movie in 2010, and got married in 2014. They seem like a great, drama-free couple, which is probably why I never remember that they’re together.

Taylor Swift & Joe Alwyn

Taylor Swift has had many famous boyfriends in the past, but she’s never kept a relationship private like her current one with Joe Alwyn. Joe is an actor who has been steadily working on some acclaimed movies for a few years now, but he’s yet to really hit it big. This is probably nice for Taylor Swift, who has barely talked about their relationship since they first got together in 2016. If they ever do break up, she’s going to write one hell of an album about it.

Channing Tatum & Jessie J

When Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan announced their divorce last year, it sort of felt like the end of an era. I love Step Up, okay? Well, Channing moved on from Jenna with someone who…looks a lot like Jenna. Jessie J and Channing have kept their relationship pretty under the radar since getting together in late 2018, but they’re photographed out and about together all the time.

Which random pairings did I miss? Which celebrity couples can you just not wrap your head around? Let me know in the comments, because I could talk about this all day.

Images: Vanessa Hudgens; Shutterstock (9)

The Saddest Celebrity Breakups Of All Time

There’s nothing quite like getting far too invested in a celebrity relationship, am I right? The unadulterated joy you get from projecting your fantasies onto total and complete strangers. The inexplicable rush upon seeing photos of them on a red carpet, looking better than you probably will in your whole life. The perverse satisfaction derived from “insider news” from “trusted sources” that definitely wasn’t planted by either of their publicists. It’s one of the simple, incredibly invasive pleasures of living in the 21st century.

But as the saying goes: celebrities, they’re just like us! Which means their relationships fail, even though we swore this time they wouldn’t. Except what’s different here is that the entire world watches and interjects their unwarranted opinions into what is already a horrifying and traumatic period of two people’s lives. Remember that time, in a blissful era where he wasn’t the leader of the free world, that Donald Trump tweeted (repeatedly) about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart’s breakup? Imagine that, but coming from every mother with a Facebook account across the entire world.

While many celeb breakups are expected, pre-ordained from the moment that first paparazzi photo hits TMZ, there are a handful of splits that managed to send shockwaves around the world, that seemed to rock the very foundation upon which the notion of love so perilously rests. These are their stories.

Vanessa Hudgens And Zac Efron

Listen. I know some of you don’t care about this couple at all and to that I have one thing to say: you’re wrong. Zanessa kicks off our list because, at the tender age of 14, I sat directly behind them on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland and nearly burst into tears afterwards, so believe me when I say my world was rocked by this breakup.

Some of you weren’t in the midst of your painful and pivotal middle school years when High School Musical dropped—meaning your mid-pubescent romantic renaissance wasn’t awoken by the young love between Troy Bolton and Gabriella Montez—and it SHOWS.

Zanessa were the embodiment of young Hollywood from approximately 2005–2010. They were simultaneously everything we wanted to be and everything we could never have. To this day I couldn’t tell you which one I was actually more jealous of, but just that I still think back on them fondly, quietly hoping that they do the same of each other.

Rachel McAdams And Ryan Gosling

Listen: God doesn’t give with two hands. You don’t get to look like Rachel McAdams or Ryan Gosling and then end up with Rachel McAdams or Ryan Gosling. You don’t get to play one of the most essential romantic couples of the 21st century and then live happily ever after together, okay?? That notion, while comforting for the rest of us, doesn’t make this breakup any less sad.

What did, however, make it almost unbearable was knowing that this kind of passion existed in the world and now no longer does. As if we needed one more reminder that nothing good can last forever.

That video looks like it was filmed on a flip phone in the pre-historic era, and that’s because it probably was, but it doesn’t even matter! No amount of terrible camera quality can dampen the raw passion of this scene. Please indulge me for a moment as we all take a stroll down memory lane to the 2005 VMAs.

The award was “Best Kiss” and the competition was nonexistent. The era was peak The Notebook fever, a time when we all actually waxed poetic about Alzheimer’s. This sequence, so choreographed, so perfect, so effortless in its ability to remind us that we are mere mortals existing at the leisure of an indifferent God, will live in infamy.

The “come hither” finger gesture? The effortless lift? The goofy smile on her face afterwards? The casual way Ryan Gosling strolls to the podium with Rachel McAdams resting on his hip like a basket of freshly washed laundry? Unparalleled, all of it. I don’t care if the rest of their relationship was utter garbage; it was all worth it for this sacred moment in pop culture history.

Will Arnett And Amy Poehler

You know how every time any notable celebrity couple breaks up and every single person in the universe takes to Twitter to say the exact same thing: love is dead!!!! Amy and Will were that first couple for me.

These two were a beacon of hope in my early-adolescence, a North star by which I could guide my own life. You see, Will and Amy instilled in me the (wildly naïve) belief that one day, I too could marry a man just as funny as I, and then we could live the rest of our lives together being funnier than everyone else. What can I say? I was young. I was innocent. I was still under the incredibly mistaken impression that Will Arnett was as funny as Amy Poehler.

Regardless, the end of Will and Amy was the end of an era, one in which we all breathed a little lighter and dreamed a little higher. At least we have their adorable, inexplicably red-haired children to remember them by.

Jennifer Aniston And Brad Pitt

This breakup wasn’t sad so much for the end of the relationship itself, but more so because of what it created. The end of Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt kicked off a decade long, unnecessarily cruel Spinster Hunt, targeted at a woman who deserved not one bit of it, instead of the man who cheated on her. Weird, right? Almost like double standards exist or something.

You want to talk about life being unfair? Let’s talk about Jennifer Aniston. I mean, sure, she gets to look like Jennifer Aniston. But I think she earned those arms and the rest of that age-proof body after going through what she did.

First, her husband cheats on her with Angelina Jolie, another woman so inhumanely beautiful that it breaks my brain to imagine them existing on the same plane of existence. Then the two suffer a public, nasty divorce, during which constant media coverage compares and contrasts two women who have no business being pitted against one another.

From then on out, no matter the circumstance, Jennifer will be harassed throughout every relationship she pursues. If she’s happy and thriving, it’s a countdown to the inevitable doom. If it ends, for any reason whatsoever, headlines everywhere read “Will Jennifer Ever Find Love Again?” or “Jennifer Alone Forever.”  The woman can’t win.

And now, nearly 14 years later, the rumors have started up again! Will they? Won’t they? What does Angelina think? What kind of woman takes back a cheating husband? How much more money can we squeeze out of this tired story?

Leave Jennifer alone! Let her live! Let her f*ck her stupid hot ex if she wants to! Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk!

John Krasinski And Emily Blunt 

JUST KIDDING! But please take this as my formal notice that, in the event of this ever happening, I will be shipping myself to the convent that Katy Perry keeps trying to steal from those nuns.

Images: Giphy (5)

An Honest Recap Of ‘The Princess Switch’

It’s officially after Thanksgiving, which means that, like it or not, Christian or not, we are now in full-on Christmas mode. So I decided I would lean into the holiday spirit this year and watch one of the hundreds of Christmas movies Netflix has pumped out this holiday season. There were so many to choose from, but I decided to go with The Princess Switch. Why? Because I wanted to see what Vanessa Hudgens has been up to, and I always find it funny when actors play their own twins in movies, as if we don’t have eyes. So without further ado, let’s get into my honest and not-at-all-salty The Princess Switch recap.

The movie opens in Chicago (I thought it was New York, tbh, but later found out the entire movie—including the Chicago scenes—was actually filmed in Romania), and we see Vanessa Hudgens working at a bakery, that she presumably owns. Isn’t she a little young? Meh, whatever. Vanssa has a hot sous chef, and I didn’t realize bakeries had sous chefs, so I’ve already learned two things less than one and a half minutes into this movie. An hour and 41 minutes well spent.

Hot Sous Chef has a daughter (zaddy), and Vanessa is her godmother. There’s apparently some big Christmas baking show in a place called Belgravia (is that like, the sister country to Genovia?) that Vanessa Hudgens has been wanting to enter in forever, but never did, presumably because she never thought she was good enough, or never had enough time. Just Christmas movie things! For once, I’d like to see the lead in a Christmas movie have high self-esteem and enjoy hoeing.

However, back to this baking contest. Now, this is not any cookie making contest. This is a ROYAL baking contest, with a formal invitation and everything. Enclosed with the invitation is a photo of a hot prince. You don’t need to have eyes to see where this is going.

Vanessa is like “We can’t close the bakery right before Christmas!” and Hot Sous Chef is like “B*tch you haven’t done sh*t since your last boyfriend dumped you, it’s time to live a little.” This will be a recurring theme throughout the movie.

Vanessa exits the store and gives what appears to be a Salvation Army man some money, at which point they have an entire conversation about how she wishes she had someone to spend Christmas with (thirstyyyy). He says “Christmas wishes have been known to come true.” And that’s how I know some fantastical sh*t is going down in this movie—I don’t even talk to my own therapist this intimately. This girl opened up about her innermost thoughts to a random dude collecting charity money? K.

Vanessa then runs right into her ex, some dude named Paul. Right as he says he’s been thinking about her (lie), some girl comes up, makes out with him on the street, and they do the whole “Who are you?” “I’m Stacey , I’m sure Paul has mentioned me” thing. The gf is like:

I Don't Know Her

Way harsh, Paul.

Vanessa basically decides to go to Belgravia out of spite, just to one-up Paul and his new gf, who are meeting Paul’s parents over Christmas. Honestly, I can relate. Why do I get the feeling that in the entire fictional 3 years Vanessa and Paul dated, she never got to meet his parents? It’s possible I’m just projecting my past traumas here. But I could be right.

She arrives in what’s basically Santa’s Village with Hot Sous Chef and his daughter, and who do you know is there? Salvation Army guy! He explains there’s a royal wedding about to happen. And here I am, watching movies to escape royal wedding bullsh*t. I will never escape Meghan Markle, even in fictional kingdoms. This is my life now.

Salvation Army guy says to Vanessa, totally out of context, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” He’s now the second person to use this cliche so far in this movie. Oh boy, I sense a moral coming on.

Okay so at the place where the contest is being held, some redhead named Brianna Michael comes up to Vanessa, and we learn 3 things: 1) she’s a b*tch. 2) she’s Vanessa’s mortal enemy. 3) she probably slept her way through cooking school. Is slut-shaming really in the Christmas spirit? Brianna purposefully spills some sh*t on Vanessa, because she’s in third grade presumably, and when Vanessa goes to clean up, she literally bumps right into….

HER TWIN. Aka Lady Margaret Delacourt, one half of the couple getting married during the aforementioned royal wedding. For someone claiming to be from a fictional land called “Montenaro”, she’s speaking with a weird British accent. Vanessa Hudgens is no Lindsay Lohan, I’ll say that. But seriously, it’s like Vanessa Hudgens studied Lindsay Lohan’s British accent as her barometer for what constitutes a good British accent.

Lady Delacourt asks Stacey (I can’t keep using Vanessa because now there are two) for her help with her wedding cake. Sure, totally normal to ask of someone you’ve known for 10 seconds. Don’t you have royal bakers for this??

Stacey runs off, and Hot Sous Chef’s kid is all, “I wish you and Stacey were dating.” Hot Sous Chef is all, “nah, she’s just a friend.”

Sure Jan

Okay so this wedding cake meeting is actually a ruse. Lady Delacourt doesn’t need help with her cake, but what she does want is to switch places with Stacey for two days. So this is really a Parent Trap/Lizzie McGuire situation. What could go wrong? Umm, the baking contest for one?? Ugh, these two are gonna “switch back at midnight” the night before the competition. Why do you have to go all Cinderella with this sh*t? Why can’t you just switch at like, 5pm, like work shifts?

British Vanessa: So you’ll do it?
American Vanessa: Well, why not? Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans!

F*cking kill me with this sh*t.

So now we’re treated to a makeover and royal lesson montage. Let me just say, British Vanessa is no Julie Andrews, and whoever gave her this sh*tty lob is no Paolo.

While all this is happening, there’s some random red headed lady creepily watching in the corner. Is she like, an aide? TBD.

The Prince or whoever shows up, so the real British Vanessa hides behind a couch. It goes about as well as you’d expect. Honestly this whole movie is a lot of “don’t look over there while I dramatically gesture and keep glancing in the exact place I don’t want you to look!” 

Real British Vanessa sets off to sight-see with Hot Sous Chef and his daughter, while Fake British Vanessa goes off to attend meetings. Gotta say, this feels like the worst trade deal in history, possibly ever.

Okay so the redheaded aide has basically been looking after The Duchess since she was a child. She seems weirdly invested in this plan, though. Like, why are you so down with a random woman impersonating your boss for a few days? Am I alone in this?

Once alone, American Vanessa immediately goes to the Duchess’s closet to try on her fancy hats, as ya do. The Prince shows up and quotes The Little Prince, you know that book you read in middle school French class? And American Vanessa acts like he just wrote her a personalized poem. It’s a very famous book! That’s not impressive! Also, there are way better quotes from The Little Prince! I would know—I almost got one tattooed on me, before realizing my dad is disappointed me enough as it is already and I didn’t need to add another reason. Moving on.

Vanessa shows up to breakfast with the King and Queen in the same outfit as the day before. Aren’t there some royal rules about this? And…surprise!!! The Prince canceled his meeting with Spain to spend more time with his fiancée. This means they’re going horseback riding ($10 say American Vanessa has never ridden a horse). Meanwhile, King What’s His Name has noticed the Duchess has been acting weird and tells one of his butlers or someone, who just looks evil, to keep an eye on her. Dramaaaa!

Drama

The horseback riding, predictably, goes horribly. The Prince at one point wipes something away from Vanessa’s eye, and she practically jumps his bones right then and there. I mean, like, damn I haven’t had sex in 357 days, but even I wouldn’t orgasm at a guy wiping away an eyelash. Then Vanessa decides to go all Women’s March on the Prince when he suggests she plan their wedding instead of getting involved in international politics. Like, number one, isn’t the wedding in a week? What’s left to plan? Number two, should you really be like, f*cking up international relations when you’re supposed to be out of the picture a day from now? I’m all for women getting involved in politics, but this does not seem like the time or place.

British Vanessa, Hot Sous Chef, and the daughter go to paint ornaments or some sh*t, when Salvation Army dude walks up to be like, “Hey, Hot Sous Chef, you should date Vanessa.” Sounding like my dad on Thanksgiving. Mind your own business, old man!

Back at the palace, the Prince apologizes to Vanessa for being an ass. He’s like, “you’re gonna be my wife, if you have political opinions I want to know them.” And just like that, we brought about gender equality! Good work, everybody. Let’s pack it in.

No seriously, can we pack it in? I’m already regretting committing to this movie. It’s why I don’t usually watch movies—I have commitment issues.

Vanessa and the prince go to some charity ball, and this hoe is SMITTEN. Like, what? You don’t even know this dude! Don’t go all Meghan Markle on me and give up your whole life and career for a dude you don’t even know. That’s not what Christmas is about!

Immediately upon arriving at the charity ball, Vanessa grills the King and Queen about the details of the homeless shelter this charity is supposedly for. SMH, she has no manners. But also, the King and Queen being like “we don’t concern ourselves with the details of the charities we donate to” is very #richpeoplethings. In retaliation, the king and queen are like “Hey aren’t you an awesome piano player? Go play something for us!” LOL and that’s why you don’t shade the king and queen. The Prince bails her ass out and they do a duet, and everybody claps and nobody notices he just had to teach her how to play two chords. TWO.

The Prince goes looking for the Duchess, and who does he run into? Salvation Army man and his meddling ass, telling him they make a good couple. The Prince finds Vanessa in the gazebo, where they proceed to dance. Christ, it’s like they took the most cliche part of every existing holiday movie and just shoddily sewed it together.

I’ve just been alerted that Hot Sous Chef’s name is Kevin, and he is a hottie WITH. A. BODY. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to be stalking his Instagram and sliding into his DMs. His name is Nick Sagar and his handle is @nickdsagar. That is my charitable contribution for the year. You’re welcome.

Oprah Shrug

I’m skipping a lot in the middle because it’s just dumb sh*t. American Vanessa (while pretending to be British Vanessa) gets way too excited to bake cookies for some orphans, and this is apparently a huge royal scandal. You’re not supposed to actually care about the peasants, you’re only supposed to pretend to care! Then she and Real British Vanessa almost run into each other at a toy store. They narrowly miss each other because British Vanessa pretends to drop an earring, and the redheaded aide fakes the worst fainting spell I’ve ever seen.

Legit worse than this:

it takes two

Ugh, now the orphans are singing “We Wish You A Merry Christmas”. Jesus Christ. Everyone is acting so shocked that the Duchess would dare give a sh*t about some poor orphans she doesn’t know, calling it “undignified”. Like damn, how savage is the royal family normally that you can’t bother to care about CHILDREN?

For the second time this movie, the Prince and Duchess are standing under mistletoe. I think the best part about this is how someone always has to point it out. They’re like “excuse me, I don’t mean to bother you, but you’re standing under the mistletoe.” Like this is some national f*cking emergency and not a made-up Christmas tradition.

Kevin’s daughter says to the real Duchess, “I wish you could stay.” Damn, that’s cold! Stacey’s known you your whole life, she’s your GODMOTHER, and you’re just gonna sell her out like that? Smh, these kids ain’t loyal.

While Fake American Vanessa and Kevin watch A Christmas Prince (lol nice job Netflix, I see what you did there), the Prince gives the other Vanessa his family crest. It’s supposed to be meaningful or whatever; to me it kind of reads like when Pete Davidson gave Ariana Grande his dad’s pendant. Meanwhile, Kevin gives his Vanessa a picture of him, his daughter, Vanessa, and Santa in a locket. Kevin puts the necklace on her and SHOOTS HIS SHOT. He confesses his love to Vanessa, and oh god, this is going to get messy when the real Vanessa comes back and isn’t into him at all.

So both Vanessas meet up to make the switch back, and they both gush about their respective dudes. Okay but really, how in love with someone can you be after three days?? I know this is a movie and all, but come tf on. I can’t with this. Y’all can just go back to your lives as normal and find other dudes to date because YOU DO NOT FALL PERMANENTLY IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE AFTER TWO DAYS!! This isn’t How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days. Actually, lol, it’s worse.

Also are we not gonna talk about how Vanessa and Kevin’s kid legit ripped off the handshake from The Parent Trap? Plagiarism!

Oh yeah while all this is going on, creepy butler dude took a few pictures of both Vanessas together and then tries to bring it to the king to like, blackmail them I guess.

So when the real Duchess gets back, she’s hemming and hawing about having to go back to her old royal life and she’s like “ugh I don’t wanna marry this guy but it’s my duty.” The redheaded aid gives her that sh*tty crest thing that legit has rhinestones all over it.

Aid: What does it say?
Duchess: Honor. Nobility. Loyalty. (Or whatever the f*ck.)
Aid: But notice how it doesn’t say duty? See what I did there??

OHhHHH snap, y’all are idiots. What’s your long-term plan? Having this b*tch fake an accent for the REST OF HER LIFE?

Meanwhile the baking competition started, and this sh*t ain’t no Great British Baking Show, I’ll just say that much.

So the queen finds out about our Parent Trap situation and sets Margaret tf up. She’s like “Hey Margaret, why don’t you go to the baking competition where your twin will definitely be?” The Queen is a messy b*tch who lives for drama, and I am HERE FOR IT.

At the baking competition, Brianna (the evil redhead, not the aide) has cut Stacey’s mixing line, meaning she has to do all the mixing by hand. And suddenly, we’re in an episode of Cutthroat Kitchen in this b*tch. Also like, wtf is up with the security in this so-called “royal” baking competition? Like nobody noticed that this girl’s station has been sabotaged? Can she not get another mixer? I’m sorry, I’m going to need Noel and Sandi to come out and explain the parameters of this contest before moving forward.

Also, you’re putting a raspberry filling in your holiday cake? RASPBERRY?? Paul and Prue would not be down with this. That’s not a holiday flavor. You’re not gonna give me like, gingerbread? Nutmeg? Allspice? What is this???

In any case, Brianna comes in second place, and our girl Stacey obviously wins, inappropriate filling or not. And here we go, the Prince and Duchess are going to present the award. Uh oh. Here we go. All of Belgravia is shooketh, and Kevin does the worst surprise face I’ve ever seen. But he’s pretty, so I’ll allow it.

Nobody else is concerned, and somehow it’s chill for them all to go backstage to be like “lol ya we switched places, isn’t it funny?”

Margaret is like “but, there’s more”.

Me: SHE’S PREGNANT!

Lol sadly no, Margaret is like “we should actually switch places permanently.” And wtf, how is Kevin gonna legit swap out the girl he’s been in love with for his whole life for her lookalike? He’s no Drake, Drake said if his girl had a twin he would still choose her. THESE HOES AIN’T LOYAL!!!!

This is legit such trash. All the dudes were like “lol k, sounds good.” FINALLY real American Vanessa has the common sense to be like “yeah I can’t just f*ck up three people’s lives because we had a good kiss the other night.”

Me: 

Michael Scott Thank You

Oh and here we have this b*tch being like “loving me isn’t according to plan”. Ok so who’s gonna be the one to say “life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans”? Do I say it??? What a missed opportunity. Stacey is like to the prince, “I’ve loved you more than I’ve loved anyone my whole life.” Wow, how does Paul, her ex of THREE YEARS, factor into this? Nobody is f*cking loyal in this movie.

L-O-FREAKIN-LLLL the prince gets down on one knee to…. Ask Stacey if she would marry him in a year if she still loves him. What kind of Jonas Brother promise ring B.S. is this? And everyone in the crowd is like “lol, amazing!” and breaks into applause. But like, what? Y’all haven’t even been briefed on the situation. Even snotty redhead is begrudgingly clapping. I guess it’s the power of true love??

Cut to, presumably the next year at Christmas, where Edward (that is the Prince’s name, took me all movie to get it right) and Stacey are married. Kevin and Margaret are still together. A random little girl (I think she was one of the orphans, how tf did she score a coveted wedding invite?) runs up to be like, “you’re a real princess now, aren’t you?” and Stacey is like “I guess Christmas wishes do come true.” I’ve got to ask, what is it about Christmas in particular that supposedly makes wishes come true? Does this work for other holidays? Can I be making Passover wishes? Just asking.

Stacey throws the bouquet, and I don’t even need to tell y’all who caught it. You don’t need to be psychic to figure it out. Goodbye. I’m f*ckin out of here. Kevin, call me.

After Kevin is like “hold onto that bouquet, you might need it on New Year’s” (hasn’t anyone told him not to basically propose at someone else’s wedding??) there’s a montage of everyone giving each other the thumbs up (why?), and American Vanessa Hudgens giggling crazily at her prince.

Andddd that’s it! Thanks for reading, if you made it this far. Let me know if you want a recap of other Christmas movies, or other movies in general, and I’ll try to get over my commitment issues. Happy holidays!

Images: Netflix; Giphy (6)

The Definitive Ranking Of Netflix Christmas Movies

Listen. I am a SLUT for Christmas. The lights. The music. The decor. The ever-present scent of evergreen. The built-in excuse to drink liquified chocolate without having to explain yourself. It all fills me with a pure, unadulterated joy that I can only describe as childlike. It’s also important to note that I am a lover of romantic comedies—the cheesier, the better. There’s nothing I love more than looking Cinema Dudes in the eye, and telling them that I sincerely think Clueless is a better movie than Fight Club. Give me your sappy, your cliche, your stringent skeptics yearning to love free, and I will binge watch each and every one of them, alone, a glass of wine in hand and a potential tear in my eye.

So you can only imagine the peppermint flavored excitement that coursed through my body when I opened up Netflix a full week before Thanksgiving, only to be greeted by a deluge of sappy, romantic, Christmas themed, made-for-TV movies. It’s like Hallmark and Lifetime got together, drank a bunch of peppermint schnapps, and then puked into my queue. I was in heaven.

I decided, in that moment, that it was my responsibility—nay, my destiny—to watch every single one. And we’re not just talking the Netflix original movies here, with actual production budgets, recognizable names and semi-digestible plotlines. We’re talking all the Netflix Christmas romances, even the ones that look like they were shot on an iPhone 4 and derived from screenplays that are one smut scene short of verifiable fan fiction.

Why did I do this? Why did I put myself through 826 minutes of wholesome yet ultimately mind-numbing Christmas cinema? It’s a simple answer, dear reader: ’tis the season of giving.

I ranked all the Netflix Christmas movies, so you didn’t have to.

 *Minimal spoilers ahead but also it takes merely a simple synopsis and two brain cells to figure out how most of these would end*

8. ‘Christmas Wedding Planner’

The premise: If your idea of a Christmas classic includes Lily van der Woodsen playing a watered-down Lily van der Woodsen and Joey Fatone playing what I would imagine is just Joey Fatone, then this is the movie for you. Super quirky, yet inexplicably sad orphan Kelsey Wilson is trying to prove herself as a wedding planner by pulling off the perfect Christmas wedding for her cousin, who is not only beautiful but also kind and also outrageously forgiving (you’ll see).

The problem? A mysterious private investigator, who just happens to be the bride’s ex-boyfriend, arrives in town the day of the engagement party, dead set on uncovering some salacious skeleton in the groom’s closet that will ruin not only the wedding of her beloved cousin, but also Kelsey’s only shot at becoming a successful wedding planner. Why is her entire career riding on the wedding of a relative, something that she probably isn’t getting paid for and would likely be discounted in any legitimate portfolio? No one knows, and it doesn’t matter, because this is Christmas.

The dialogue in this movie is, for lack of a better word, bad. The romantic progression is non-existent, until the moment that it very much exists. The ending made me want to shove some especially fragrant Douglas Fir pine needles into my eye. I will absolutely be watching it again next year.

Christmas Rating: 7/10

What this movie lacks in any discernible screenwriting, it makes up for in decor. I think there might actually be a Christmas tree in every single shot. Kelsey is clad in vibrant red and forest green at any given moment. Watching it evoked the same vaguely festive warmth as drinking peppermint hot chocolate.

Chemistry Rating: 2/10

Kelsey and the P.I. inevitably team up to unearth whatever secrets lie in the groom’s past, and their half-assed investigative work has me wishing Veronica Mars would show up and beat the sh*t out of both of them. What’s worse, their stunted attempts at flirting would have you thinking that they were both being held at gunpoint just off-camera. It’s the kind of chemistry that you have with the only other person your age at a party hosted by your parents: forced and potentially incestuous.

7. ‘Christmas in the Smokies’

 The premise: Disaster strikes the Haygood family when they find out their historic berry farm is in danger of being seized by the bank due to a line of credit that they were under the impression would never have to be repaid. Living in the country must be nice.

Hardworking, independent career gal Shelby Haygood is hell-bent on saving her family’s farm, despite the fact that both of her parents spend the first half of the movie being entirely unconcerned about the very real possibility that their home will be repossessed by the bank in mere days. This would probably have made for a stressful enough holiday season, but fate has decided to throw another twist Shelby’s way in the form of Mason Wyatt, her high school sweetheart-turned-bad-boy-country-star who has just returned to town.

Mason walked out on Shelby when they were 17 years old, an event which has had a formative impact on her entire adult life. This woman is clearly in her thirties and yet still harboring a grudge bordering on obsessive towards her teenage boyfriend who (and I’m only guessing here because this movie wouldn’t dare provide a semblance of context) left her on Christmas Eve to…pursue his music career?

This movie’s saving grace is Mr. Haygood, played by Whitey from One Tree Hill. He is, in fact, the exact same character, except now with a handlebar mustache. Much like Whitey, Mr. Haygood’s wisdom knows no bounds and he has zero time, patience, or regard for the temper tantrums thrown by his students daughter.

Christmas Rating: 5/10

The first 15 minutes of this movie had me positively charmed. The  classical, nostalgic Christmas music that I haven’t heard since the last time my parents forced me to go to church on Christmas Eve was a welcome reprieve from the contemporary covers that we’ve come to expect from these kind of productions.

But that initial charm was immediately overridden by the overt religious undertones that kicked in after about 20 minutes. Yes, I know. Christmas is a religious holiday. Sure. But also, no it’s not. There is Christmas the religious holiday and there is Christmas the cultural event and we all know that we came to this very specific Netflix category for the latter. Let’s not try to make this something it’s not.

Chemistry Rating: -4/10

Mason Wyatt had more natural chemistry with Whitey than his actual love interest. In fact, Whitey was the most likable character in this entire movie. I would watch another hour and a half of him and his friends eating breakfast and making vague sexual innuendos via grits and bacon.

Not only could you not convince me that these two people were ever in love, but I barely believe that one wouldn’t sell the other into indentured servitude for 50 cents and the knowledge that they would suffer for the rest of their lives.

Like, I get it. It’s a little hard to focus on a romantic sub-plot when there are serious things like bankruptcy and foreclosure on the line. But guess what? I didn’t pick Christmas in the Smokies for the far-too-realistic storyline of financial hardship during the holiday season. I chose it because I wanted to watch some vaguely country themed Christmas love play out between two people who are even the slightest bit attracted to each other, and I didn’t even get that.

Because you know what’s required in any kind of romantic movie? The one thing that’s pretty much make or break for the success of your film? A KISS. THESE TWO IDIOTS DIDN’T EVEN KISS. I haven’t been deprived this level of closure since every relationship I’ve ever been in.

6. ‘The Spirit of Christmas’

 The premise: Our protagonist Kate is your typical Lifetime movie lead: a strong, yet perpetually frazzled, working woman who takes her job, and by extension herself, far too seriously. Kate doesn’t have time for love! There are frantic phone calls to answer! And very important deals to close! And overbearing father figures masquerading as bosses whose approval she has to win! If only there were a man who could teach her that there’s more to life than being rich, successful, and shattering the glass ceiling.

Kate is offered a last minute job before Christmas (not that she celebrates anyways, she’s too busy proving her worth at the office!!), one that will catapult her career to the next level and finally win her the begrudging respect of the men at work. She’s been tasked with heading out to a quaint, historical bed and breakfast in a nondescript New England town and ensuring that it’s appraised and sold before Christmas. Easy right? From here, you probably know where the story is going.

Kate heads to picture-perfect bed and breakfast. Kate meets man. Man shows Kate the ways of the world, complete with Christmas decorating montage. Kate falls in love and forgets that she spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on law school, only to throw it all away for the owner of a bed and breakfast.

Oh yeah, and he’s a ghost.

Woman who had sex with 20 ghosts is now engaged to a spirit https://t.co/TSpVqbh30c pic.twitter.com/ruiVs9lEmE

— New York Post (@nypost) October 30, 2018

Christmas Rating: 7/10

This movie not only has modern Christmas, but also colonial-era Christmas. There are not one, but TWO Christmas balls. There is snow everywhere. Kate and the ghost decorate a tree together because a very specific curse allows him to become human for one week a year and therefore do things like pick up Christmas ornaments. We have sufficiently checked the Christmas box here.

Chemistry Rating: 4/10

Kate and the ghost spend the first good half of the movie hating each other—Kate because the ghost stands in the way of her appraisal and therefore advancement in her career, the ghost because Kate is intruding on his one week a year to be corporeal, eat pancakes, and sulk about being dead.

Usually, I’m a sucker for the hate-turned-friendship-turned-love trope, but in this case we went straight from all-out hate to inexplicable love, without any real indication as to why. I get that that’s par for the course with these things, but this case was especially jarring. I don’t know, maybe because the love interest was dead and pining for his dead fiancé up until about 10 seconds before they were suddenly in love.

However, once the ghost decided he no longer hated Kate, he truly committed to being unnecessarily in love with a human that he had spent all of four days with and that, I can respect.

5. ‘Holiday Engagement’

The premise: Part-time writer Hillary finally has it all: a minimum-wage paying gig at her local small town paper, which exists despite the fact that she appears to live in LA or New York or some other Metropolitan city, and a fiancé named Jason who was gushingly described as “fiscally responsible” by Hillary’s best friend. You may have thought that list was going to go on, but no, those two sad things are all she has.

But it’s enough for Hillary, because now she finally has a man to bring home for Thanksgiving to appease her overbearing mother, who might actually just be the mom from Pride and Prejudice who somehow managed to find a time machine that allows her to harass a whole new family of daughters into loveless, wealth-accumulating marriages.

However, tragedy strikes when Hillary implies that she doesn’t want to uproot her entire life and burgeoning part-time journalism career for Jason’s promotion, and he dumps her mere days before they’re set to spend the weekend at her parents’.

Naturally, the only thing Hillary can do now is to hire a struggling actor to play the part of Jason and convince her entire family that their wedding, set to take place at the end of December, is still happening. This may sound like an inane plan to you, but having had to watch an hour and a half of this woman interact with her children, I would say it was the best possible course of action.

Christmas Rating: 6/10

Being set during Thanksgiving weekend, I was initially concerned about the amount of Christmas they could actually pack into this movie. Clearly someone else felt the same way, and managed to shoe-horn an entire scene in which the mother singlehandedly decorates the whole house at midnight after Thanksgiving dinner. Her ungrateful children never recognize this selfless task, and it was at this point that I found myself aligning with the suffocating and needlessly dramatic mother. Couldn’t possibly tell you why that is.

Chemistry Rating: 2/10

Everything about this couple made me uncomfortable. Their kissing, their body language, their half-assed attempts at pretending they’ve known each longer than two days. Honestly, if you’re going to commit to such an over-the-top plan, you would think you’d actually, I don’t know, rehearse? Do some research? Act as if you liked each other?  I haven’t seen such a disheartened attempt at acting since I was forced to take improv classes in middle school. I found myself screaming “YES, AND” at the TV every time they tried to pull together a cohesive story from their supposed shared past.

4. ‘Merry Kissmas’

The premise: The story opens on Kate, a woman whose only discernible character trait is that she’s stuck in a loveless engagement with an egocentric choreographer named Carlton, who possesses zero redeeming qualities and one Lindsay Lohan-esque, nationality agnostic accent. If nothing else, we must give the screenwriters credit for their unique take on a Christmas romance.

Carlton is choreographing and producing his own twist on The Nutcracker, which is to take place in San Francisco. The unhappy couple decides to kill two birds with one stone and hold their engagement party the same week, in Kate’s native Palo Alto.

It is clear to Kate—and to everyone but Carlton, really—that this relationship is doomed to fail. While contemplating whether or not she actually wants to get married, Kate finds herself in a sticky situation that can only be solved by diving into an elevator and kissing the attractive guy inside. We’ve all been there.

This kiss ignites a passion in Kate that she hasn’t felt in years, driving a further wedge between Carlton and herself. As she grows closer to the kind, caring, not emotionally abusive elevator man who also happens to be the caterer for her engagement party, Kate must decide whether or not to marry the small dancing troll who treats her like an unwanted stepchild.  What’s a girl to do??

Christmas Rating: 2/10

The writers seem to have been under the very mistaken impression that an abundance of nutcrackers and cookies can make up for the total lack of any actual cozy Christmas atmosphere. I mean, you’re really setting yourself up for failure when your Christmas love story takes place in sunny Palo Alto, California. No snow to inspire a spontaneous snowball fight? No roaring fire place to curl up in front of? No scarves to playfully tug on? How dare you come at me with this absolute pretense.

Chemistry Rating: 5/10

Other than presenting me with the first truly believable kiss of this entire movie marathon, I couldn’t quite figure out why I was so invested in Kayla and the Catering Man. They were a pair of two-dimensional saltine crackers who made for a generically attractive couple, but nothing worth getting worked up over. But then, the words of the ingenious and immortal Natalie Walker rang through my head, and it hit me.

“The screenwriters are assuming if they give the audience enough reason to root against and , they’ll forget they’ve been given no compelling reason to root for and .”

This sad, blonde whisper of a woman may have been devoid of any real personality other than a weird obsession with collectible nutcrackers, but that doesn’t mean she deserved to be sentenced to a lifetime of misery at the hand of the tap-dancing goat she was currently shackled to. Hell, I’ll root for her with anyone, as long as it means she’s free of Carlton’s (undoubtedly tiny) grasp.

3. ‘Christmas With a View’

The premise:n Disgraced restaurant owner Clara is back in her hometown, managing a local high-end ski resort and trying to get back on her feet after a vague but apparently life-altering failure in the Chicago culinary scene. Like any good romance heroine, she’s too focused on her career to have time for men…until New York’s most eligible bachelor/chef snags the Head Chef position in the resort’s restaurant. That’s right. Bachelor AND Chef. What a multi-faceted creature.

Will they fall in love? Yes. Will there be hurdles? Yes. Will there be an extensive winter-activity-falling-in-love-montage? You better believe it.

Christmas Rating: 7/10

Not only was this movie chock-full of Christmas cheer, but it had layers to the festivity. Different locations offered up different vibes, juxtaposing the cozy, homey decor of Clara’s childhood hotel against the glamorous yet sterile aesthetic of her current job. Of course, this was a thinly veiled metaphor for family run businesses, the unsung heroes in these small ski towns, diametrically opposed to corporate holiday resort conglomerates. You know, a classic Christmas movie message.

Chemistry Rating: 6/10

Clara and the hot chef receive the highest rating thus far for the simple reason that I actually believed these two people wanted to have sex with each other. That’s it. It’s that easy. Just look into each other’s eyes and try to offer up a modicum of affection. I’m not asking for that much.

2. ‘The Princess Switch’

The premise: Stacy is an uptight pastry chef from Chicago who’s been unlucky in love despite having the hottest best friend/sous chef of all time. It sounds like she acquired her accent by watching one season of Shameless and that one Chicago Bears SNL skit from the 90’s.

Margaret is the equally uptight but apparently inwardly rebellious Duchess of Montenaro, who also happens to be begrudgingly engaged to the Prince of Belgravia. It sounds like she acquired her accent by watching one season of The Crown and the trailer for the new Mary Poppins movie.

The two are distant cousins who meet by chance at an international baking competition in Belgravia. They are, of course identical twins, played by Vanessa Hudgens.

Margaret hatches a diabolical and never-before-seen plan to (gasp) switch places so that she may experience a normal life before being swept up in the high profile lifestyle of the royal family of this miniscule fictional eastern European country.

While Stacy has never even considered the possibility that her best friend Kevin is an absolute snack, and Margaret has never thought to try and pursue a romantic relationship with her attractive royal fiancé, the same can’t be said once the two take up each other’s lives.

Christmas Rating: 10/10

This movie is Christmas porn. Lest you drop me smack dab in the middle of a Christmas market in Vienna, I could not be happier. Margaret’s holiday color palette of exclusively blush and cardinal is not only iconic but also revolutionary. Take note ladies, this year we throw caution to the wind and mix our pinks and reds.

Chemistry Rating: 8/10

Once I was able to work past Vanessa Hudgens playing a British Vanessa Hudgens trying to sound like a Chicago Vanessa Hudgens, I settled right into everything The Princess Switch was selling. These beautiful people are throwing longing, romantic glances left and right in this absolutely perfect Christmas village and my feeble little heart can’t take it.

Am I projecting because I would be happy with either of the love interests (but mostly Kevin)? Maybe. Are my standards outrageously low, having been so recently burned by Christmas in the Smokies? Perhaps. Do I just have soft spot for Vanessa Hudgens, having come of age in the High School Musical era? Yeah. Sue me.

1. ‘The Holiday Calendar’

The premise: Abby Sutton is a struggling photographer, stuck in a sh*tty hometown holiday job and living vicariously through her crazy-hot best friend Josh, who actually managed to turn his traveling photography blog into a successful venture. In a movie literally centered around a magic advent calendar, that is the single least believable plot point.

Two important things happen this holiday season: Josh comes home for good, bringing his overtly obvious unrequited love for Abby with him, and Abby receives a magical antique advent calendar from her grandfather. With each passing day, the toy behind every door of the calendar dictates the course of Abby’s life. She is lead to love, loss, and an excessive amount of elementary school events.

Christmas Rating: 9/10

This movie reeks of Christmas. Abby works as the photographer at a Santa pop-up in town square. Everything is covered in snow, garland, and joy. The entire story relies on an advent calendar, the most Christmas themed subplot imaginable. I went to sleep filling fulfilled and wishing that any one of my childhood friends even slightly resembled Quincy Brown.

Chemistry Rating: 10/10

These two are head over heels in love with each other from the second they appear on screen and I. AM. HERE. FOR. IT.

Pull out your romantic trope checklist folks, because we’ve got it all:

The number one thing a man in a romcom needs, TV or movie, is the ability to look at their love interest REALLY WELL. The man barely even needs to speak if he just knows how LOOK at a person.

— alanna kelsey claire bennett (@AlannaBennett) March 28, 2018

I’m going to make my own advent calendar, and each door is going to reveal a Post-it note that says “Watch The Holiday Calendar again, you lonely idiot.” It is the Christmas Netflix movie we all wanted, but never one I thought we would deserve.

Stay tuned for part two of this series, where I review the rest of the Netflix Christmas movies this streaming service throws at me in addition to the ones that haven’t even premiered yet.

Yeah, I’m talking about the sequel to The Christmas Prince.

Images: Giphy (5), @AlannaBennet, @nypost / Twitter; Netflix