Well, fam, it’s been the best of times, it’s been the worst of times. And I mean that with respect to this past season of Vanderpump Rules, and not even the current state of the world. Jax and Brittany got married (worst). Stassi and Beau got engaged (fine). Max and Brett…existed (worst). Charli graced our screens (best). Scheana’s music video happened (worst and best). Sandoval decided to be a petty bitch (best). This must have been how Dickens felt. Yes I do consider myself a literary Great, thanks for asking.
We open with what better be the last I hear of this, Dayna and Brett continuing to force this showmance in our face. Brett clarifies that he’s definitely interested in Dayna though he doesn’t have feelings for her per se. Dayna, who is taking whatever scrap of affection she can get at this point, clarifies that “he was just being attacked and it didn’t come out right.” Really? Because to me it sounded like honesty. But sure, I guess it’s easier to band together against Scheana as a common enemy than admit the guy you’re making out with doesn’t like you.
Ok guys, so remember in the midst of the music video episode where Brett made a comment about Scheana offering to suck his d*ck? And me saying that it was probably one of Scheana’s “jokes” that’s not really a joke bcause it’s just a thinly veiled truth? So that’s coming back full circle, and here’s what really happened: Scheana “offered” to pay Brett for the music video with a blow job “as a joke.” Who needs sex when you can just be right all the time?
So again, still not really sure how I shake out on the whole Brett vs. Scheana fiasco, but I’ll just say that, again, if a male employer said this to a woman, this would be sooooo bad.
However, I will say Dayna is right that Max’s whole “woe is me” shtick is completely ludicrous considering he rejected Dayna straight-up and has banged a bunch of other girls since then. I’m sure he’ll find another girl to pretend to have feelings for, since I get the sense that women are disposable to him. Like, I get that you need to make up fake storylines to stay on this show, but pick another lane.
Speaking of Max, he is on another f*cking planet telling Lisa, “Dayna told me she has feelings for me, and the next day she’s making out with Brett.” Dude, you buried the fucking lede which is that after Dayna said she had feelings for you, you TOLD HER YOU DIDN’T HAVE FEELINGS BACK AND SENT HER ON HER MERRY WAY! And then you’ve f*cked like, five other girls. Why do men…
Honestly I get why Ariana is annoyed about people talking sh*t about her house, but also, if she wants people to “shut the f*ck up about things that have nothing to do with them” then she should really get off a reality show. That’s the entire point.
Apparently Kristen rage-texted Stassi to tell her they’re not friends, which feels a lot like when conservatives “boycotted” Hamilton. She also tells her to “thrive”, which feels very Kristen, and is probably the name of her newest line for James Mae. Or maybe she just joined an MLM… I could see either one happening. Or both, at the same time.
What f*cking universe am I in that I am siding with Katie and being like, “Yes girl, block Jax and tell it right to his wife’s face”?! This may be the most surprising twist of 2020 so far.
In other “what universe am I in” news, James’s mom is back, and she is sober but found out she had cancer and had a double mastectomy. Holy sh*t, this is dark. But, I will say, James’s mom looks a lot better and is not incoherently rambling about James taking his first steps at a Tiffany’s. Is this show, like, a covert PSA for sobriety? I may be onto something.
Stassi and Beau’s house hunting bit literally feels like an episode of House Hunters because one of them doesn’t seem to have a job but yet their budget is somehow $2 million.
I’m a fake casting director. And I wrote a book that actively made people dumber. Our budget is $2.5 million.
The Toms are meeting with Lisa and Ken in some half-abandoned building to talk about if they’re going to invest in this new restaurant. This is giving me the most annoying sense of déjà vu, and I really do not want to sit through another season of Lisa sh*t talking Tom and Tom and then simultaneously pretending to ask for their input. Please do not do this to me. I already suffered through the TomTom origin story. I won’t do it again!
So it’s the day of the Hollywood Reporter shoot and Max has to contend with Bootleg Scheana and Real Scheana. Oh wow, am I glad she’s back. I haven’t felt this excited about a surprise appearance since Miami Girl. I’ve gotta say, the guise for this photoshoot is a little shaky: “oh, we’re just going to invite a bunch of people from a few restaurants for this Hollywood Reporter photoshoot”. Just say you’re inviting the whole VPR cast, we all know what this is. It actually concerns me that there are people out there who just take the producers at their word. But also, please give me their names because I’ve got a bridge to sell them.
Ariana pulls Jax aside, and I’m honestly concerned that she is only just now realizing that Jax doesn’t make mistakes, this is just who he is. Girl, we’ve only been saying this for the past… which season are we on? 8 seasons.
However, I do stan a queen for being like “you don’t know what the f*ck you’re talking about so keep my name out your mouth.” Jax just rolls his coke eyes, and Ariana walks away. We don’t deserve her.
Okay, so Max pulls Brett aside to basically try to have it both ways. He is both over her and f*cking other girls and also not over it. Dude, grow up.
The poor girls at SUR were done really dirty for this shoot, having to wear their tacky 2009 shirt dresses while everyone else gets full wardrobe glam.
Jax is such a jackass, claiming he doesn’t have a SUR shirt, and not even owning a single black shirt for the photoshoot. This is f*cking Los Angeles!! I KNOW you own at least one black shirt. I’m glad that Sandoval is f*cking over him, because so am I.
Also LOL at Jax’s full coke glower during the shoot. My new hobby is dismissing all of Jax’s feelings and chalking them up to cocaine.
Poor Brittany tries to tell Jax he looks hot, and he goes, “You think I care? I don’t give a sh*t.” Oookay. Whether she walked into this marriage eyes wide open or not, I do feel bad for Brittany. This relationship is exhausting and I’m not even in it.
Lisa pulls Jax aside to be like, “what the hell is going on with you?” Surprisingly, Jax still isn’t happy despite having a wife and a house and his health. It’s almost like putting a ring on it can’t solve your deep-seated issues! Huh. Imagine that!
Anybody else notice how Jax manages to be smug even while asking for help? He goes from, “nothing’s wrong with my marriage, my marriage is great” to “I know something’s wrong and that’s why I’m trying to fix it” in the blink of an eye. But what is he actually doing to fix it besides running away from his marriage by going to the gym three times a day? I don’t really think this is what Elle Woods meant when she said endorphins make you happy.
It’s time for the TomTom party, and Kristen is bringing Carter, whom she’s exclusively dating again.
Meanwhile, Karrah found Max and is refusing to let him escape. Actual footage of her not letting him ghost her after their Vegas hookup:
Jesus, she and Scheana really are the same person. It would be funny if it weren’t so terrifying.
Ariana and Stassi bond for a second about boob tape before Ariana is like, “well this is awkward that we’re kind of getting along rn because you talked sh*t about my house to Scheana?” And Stassi pulls a total f*cking power move and calls Scheana over like she’s a misbehaving child getting called to the principal’s office. Oof, this is gonna be awkward when Scheana watches the tape back and realizes that she quoted the wrong person word for word. Can’t wait for the reunion!
Meanwhile, Karrah comes over to crash and everyone is like, “not now, Karrah!” This is SO SCHEANA. I’m cackling. Get this girl some chunky glasses and a pair of crutches, and we are set.
Danica, for no reason, decides to insert herself into the conversation to tell Karrah to chill. And Karrah I guess watched one too many bad movies right before she blacked out (or she just watched Bethenny and Kelly’s meeting at Brass Monkey) because she says to Danica, “I’m happy to know that you’re sitting down watching me, because that’s where you should be.”
Karrah then follows Danica to mumble some other incoherent fake-villain nonsense, and instead of being like “this bitch is drunk and not making sense,” Danica decides to go FULL Kristen circa “suck a d*ck.” Danica, this isn’t your Bad Girls Club audition. Tone it down, now you’re coming off looking like the crazy one. This behavior ends up getting Danica sent home from the party, with the implication that it may cost her her job.
White Kanye manages to do his whole set without drunkenly slurring anything, and I’m proud of him. He also goes up to Randall to apologize. Randall totally forgives James and provisionally invites him to the wedding. Why the f*ck am I crying in the club right now? Do I like Randall? He seems less-terrible than a lot of the other dudes on this show. Okay, maybe not a lot… just Jax. But still! Help.
Call Brian Moylan because the Toms kiss under their portrait of them kissing! The fanfic just writes itself.
Ugh, for the love of god, Dayna pulls Max aside to talk to him yet again. Literally, WHY?? What could possibly be said at this point that either of your pea-sized brains have not conceived of already?
And before you come at me for saying that their brains are pea-sized, here is a direct transcription of their conversation:
Dayna: You’re trying to make me the bad guy
Max: No you’re trying to make me the bad guy, you’re on your high horse
Dayna: Are you kidding me? You’re on the jankiest high horse of all time
Max: I’m good off you
Dayna: I’m good off you bro
Max: Bro, no what’s mine say?
Dayna: Sweet! Bro, what’s mine say?
Dayna says “between Max and Brett, I choose me”. What should be a feminist, self-empowering moment is just… not, because Dayna is still actively choosing Brett. You can’t say you’re choosing yourself when you’re still choosing some lame dude with poodle hair who doesn’t even like you enough to sleep with you. I just… can’t.
As his one last attempted shot, Max reminds Dayna that he hired her. I think it’s pretty clear that the casting directors hired her, but whatever you tell yourself to sleep at night, bro.
Lisa cheers to new beginnings, and that should be the end of the episode, except that what happens next is truly masterful. In one corner, we have Jax and Sandoval mutually agreeing that their friendship is basically a charade at this point. In the other corner, Kristen, Stassi, and Katie are rehashing their sh*t show of a summer and concluding that they are also no longer friends.
Jax tells Tom, “something’s wrong with me. I was in Home Depot buying flowers and I start breaking down crying in aisle 8.” Is it bad that I was not like “wow something’s wrong, he’s crying in public”, but rather, “wow, something’s wrong, he’s buying flowers at Home Depot”?
And in that same corner, Jax claims he feels like he’s handicapped by his mental health issues, when Sandoval says that’s basically a cop-out. What the f*ck is with these people and only thinking mental health issues are legitimate when they personally are affected by them? Then again, I too struggle to muster anything resembling sympathy towards Jax because of *gestures broadly to the past 8 seasons of this show, and his Twitter feed, and who he is as a person*
Over in Kristen’s corner, Stassi calls out Kristen’s victim mentality. Kristen fails to understand why Stassi and Katie don’t want to be her friend anymore, even though they spell it out in plain English for her right then, and also multiple times over the course of the whole season.
For all the sh*t we’ve talked about this season, this is excellent television. Two dynasties are falling concurrently. The Witches of Weho are no more. Sandoval and Jax are “on a break”. THIS is what we want to see. The real sh*t. The messiness. Not Dayna and her two racist fake-boyfriends.
And as a montage of Tom and Tom and Jax plays to the tune of a slowed-down version of the Vanderpump Rules theme song, and Jax, in full (you know what I’m about to say) COKE RAGE tells Lisa, “these are my real friends. This is what makes my show so successful”, I truly feel like we’ve done it. We’ve returned to the glory days. Jax has reached peak narcissism, and as those words slip out of his mouth, he knows he’s f*cked up—even before Lisa tells him to not get it twisted, this is her show.
This is precisely why Jax needs to be off the show. His narcissism has reached such a point that he truly believes he is the show, and that is why he acts like a petulant child whenever anyone does anything other than build shrines to his ego and kiss the ground he walks on. But in reality, at least the people I speak to (I can’t speak for the middle-America mom constituency) are tired of seeing the same sh*t from him, and we are over it. We are over Jax’s “woe is me” act and predictable pattern of self-sabotage. We are over him throwing fits when he is called out on his sh*t. Frankly, we are over watching a 40-year-old man continue to act incredulous that his toxic behaviors do not yield the same results as they did in his 30s. Truthfully, the only thing Jax is good for are his coke rages, and even that would wear thin after a while. And the fact that his and Brittany’s spin-off only lasted six episodes before getting the axe should be all the proof Bravo needs that viewers do not want him on our televisions.
So this is where the episode ends. The Witches of Weho are dead. Jax and Sandoval’s friendship is teetering on the edge of destruction. The friendships that brought us this show have buckled under the pressure of seven hit seasons and latent personality disorders. And honestly? If Vanderpump Rules can’t film season 9 because of the pandemic, then I think this was a perfect send-off.
Images: Bravo; Giphy
Before we get into this week’s Vandperump Rules recap, I just need to talk about Scheana’s newly released music video. Guys, it is so bad. I would have dedicated an entire article to breaking down its awfulness, but I know nobody would read it because nobody cares about anything Vanderpump Rules related, except the elite few of you who read this recap. The song itself is the worst Normani reject I’ve ever heard, Scheana’s backup dancers have no idea what they’re doing, Scheana herself is barely doing what can be legally considered singing, and to top it all off, there’s a part where she earnestly tries to sexily gnaw off a hunk of Bretty’s arm.
I present to the court, Exhibit A:
WHO thinks this is sexy??? WHO???
Speaking of, Scheana tells Dayna that she and Brett went to Palm Springs to film her music video, which she describes as “baby-making music”. Having watched the entire music video, let me just say that any baby made to this song is going to end up in jail. Anyway. Scheana is absolutely reveling in showing Dayna frame-by-frame the
soft-core porn film music video she made with Brett. Like, okay, I agree that Scheana has gotten a bad edit this season, but in certain instances, she deserves it. Showing the girl who’s hooking up with the guy you like the soft-core porn you nearly coerced him into doing with you is just catty. And if you were to look up try-hard in the dictionary, it would autodirect you to Scheana’s biography.
Elsewhere, Sandoval and Jax are bringing sneakers to a “top-secret” sneaker cleaning place with some kind of super secret cleaning formula. Ravioli, ravioli, give me the formuoli.
Apparently for all of Kristen’s “woe is me” act, she’s also been seeing other people? If I were Stassi I would just murder her on the spot. Does Kristen know there are other ways to get attention besides crying to your friends? I mean, the girl does have over 750k Instagram followers. You would think she would figure out some other way. Sheesh.
And for absolutely no reason, Jax tries to pick a fight with Sandoval. He’s like, “you really never call your girlfriend a bitch? Because I think she acts like one sometimes, and also I totally call my wife a bitch every time she doesn’t want to suck my dick on the spot.” I mayyyy have added that last part, but either way, what a f*cking prince he is.
Stassi and Brittany are talking, and Stassi, for some reason, thought she was going to be a chill bride. The idea is laughable. Has she even looked in a mirror? This is the girl who acts like her birthday is a national holiday; get ready for the irises-completely-black crazy eyes and “It’s MY f*cking wedding!” shrieks. I’m bracing my eardrums in preparation.
Scheana’s music video is the new egg freezing, in that she’s constantly bringing it up and nobody can even be bothered to pretend like they give a shit. Case in point, Jax, who doesn’t want to watch the video because he’s… annoyed that everyone else lies about their relationships? Because he thinks Ariana uses her depression for sympathy, or something? I have whiplash, and I’m not sure what the hell he’s talking about. The coke eyes are strong, the logic is not there, the mouth is moving faster than the speed of light, the rage is out in full force. Ugh, I forgot how nice last episode was without Jax. Jax is such an insensitive ass that Scheana appears to be a f*cking mental health advocate in comparison.
Now Jax’s coke rage has another focus, which is, the environment? He doesn’t want to go to a beach cleanup because everyone has to drive there? I’m not trying to end all of my sentences with a question mark, I’m just really confused? Can’t wait for Jax to blame this all on editing!
Actual footage of Jax explaining why he doesn’t want to go to the beach cleanup:
Has he lost it or have I? At least I have quarantine as an excuse. His is just coke use and old age. This is what we call winning!
Me to me, despite crying because there was nowhere that would deliver me a margarita last night:
At the beach cleanup, Kristen immediately gloms onto Stassi to kiss the side of her face. Stassi looks like me every time I let a creepy guy buy me a drink. It is awkward. Kristen and Scheana are really fulfilling the try-hard quota this season. I feel personally victimized watching this group of people who are not living together frolick and hang out in close proximity on a beach. Simpler times.
Dayna immediately accosts Brett about the music video. Apparently Scheana asked Brett while filming if he wanted a blowjob? Did that come before or after she tried to literally bite a chunk out of his forearm?
I will say, honestly, the BJ comment was probably one of Scheana’s things that she thinks is a joke but everyone else recognizes as an admission of her deepest desires, just like basically everything else she says.
Meanwhile, Jax has taken more coke and taken to rage-texting Max over how dumb his beach cleaning idea was. Okay, is it better or worse than having Hooters girls at your wedding? Live and let live, ya asshole.
Jax is, in fact, so hard for the environment that he uninvited Max from his pool party. What grade are we in? Even Brittany is at this beach cleanup. If Jax didn’t want to drive four hours, why didn’t he just carpool? What’s the real reason he’s absent?
Stassi and Dayna, rocking the exact same hairstyle and nearly identical outfits, talk about the weird Brett/Max love triangle. What a weird glitch in the matrix.
I would say, what is wrong with this entire group that so many of them have a rage texting problem? And then I remember: the cocaine. Or, as Jax puts it: Mercury’s Gatorade. Honestly, just take a drink for every time I talk about coke this episode, you’ll be almost as f*cked up as Jax. But I’m kind of glad he had too much pasta, or else we wouldn’t have a shot this week. This episode is brought to you by: drugs!
Sandoval and Ariana still live in an empty house, where she is putting on a dinner party. What is it, BYO chair?
Honestly, Jax should have spaced out his wedding and his 40th birthday so he could have milked the entire year, instead of having both of his life events over in the span of two weeks. I firmly believe the source of his anger is due to the fact that he was too stupid to space out his two milestones, and now has to resort to outbursts in order to get attention. He and Kristen should like… date.
Max tries to steal Dayna for a sec by weirdly whispering in her ear. Oooook, chill out Pilot Pete. Max says he feels weird about seeing her and Brett and he still has feelings for her. Sorry dude, but you had your chance and you blew it! It’s a tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, f*ckboy rejects you when you put yourself out there, and then the second you move on, tries to claim that he got scared of how much he liked you.
Dayna, even though Reddit may tear you apart for not having a personality, please be a better person than me and DO NOT FALL FOR THIS SH*T.
Everyone is at Kristen’s pop-up shop aside from Stassi and Katie. I get why that stings, but also, Kristen is just standing around at a bar with a few racks of clothing. It is not like, or a major professional accomplishment that they’re missing out on.
OMG Scheana works with Sean 2, Lala’s former producer. Why the f*ck do I remember this and not the names or faces of anyone I went to high school with? Lord help me.
Anyway, Scheana’s telling Brett that she needs him to film one more scene for the video. Why do I feel like this “one more scene” is going to be conducted completely in the nude, and also with no camera crew in sight?
I’m truly not sure how to feel about this exchange between Brett and Scheana where he’s like “the whole video made me uncomfortable” and she’s like “it’s not that serious, Brett.” I’ll just say this: if the genders were reversed, this would be SO BAD.
You know what’s even worse? Scheana pronouncing F-Y-I like “fwhy” and also claiming that she was so convincingly trying to f*ck Brett in the video becasue she’s “such a good actress” and not because she…. wants to f*ck Brett. Scheana, I’m sorry, but you can’t even convincingly act like you have platonic guy friends.
Jax shows up to the pop-up thing in a cloud of coke (drink) to immediately apologize to Max. Brittany, I don’t know what you said off-camera, but well done, girl. He says he’s been having “mental issues” (ironic that just a few scenes ago he all but called Ariana’s depression fake) and says he’s angry all the time. Yea no, we got that! He calls it an “episode”, I call it a “bad comedown”. We all have our things I guess.
Charli calls Brett over so that Scheana can hash this “uncomfortable” thing out again, and I am truly lost. It’s like, “I don’t wanna be uncomfortable if you’re uncomfortable” “No I’m comfortable I just thought you weren’t—” and I really do not have any idea what is going on here at all. Somebody DM me and explain it. If I missed something, I’ll update this recap accordingly.
Hold up, did anybody else notice that Jax apologized to Max in a black shirt, and is now talking to Kristen in a white shirt? Fire the continuity people.
Wait wait wait wait. Kristen hooked up with Carter again (whatever), and Kristen hooked up with someone else also. And there’s a video?? And Carter saw it?? But the video is from four years ago?? Or is it two weeks ago!? Holy sh*t, what season is it? Why are we still making sex tapes, knowing the potential consequences? And why does Jax want Kristen to swear on her whole life and all her friendships? I thought he hated Carter.
Kristen is 100% lying, and admits in her talking head that she’s lying. SEASON 2 KRISTEN IS BACK. Wow. Wowowow. Guys? Guys. What’s next? A rehearsed texting tree? The possibilities are endless. It’s finally happening!
All of us when VPR returns to its glory days after seasons of us begging for it to return to its glory days:
Kristen obviously does not want this information to get out, which is precisely why Jax runs right over to the group of newbies to break down exactly what’s happening, at the exact same time Brittany says something like, “well nobody else is going to hear about this.” On camera.
Kristen tries to get Jax to not do this in front of her merch table (basically, that’s what this so-called event is), and Jax loses it. This is SO reminiscent of his last you-know-what rage at SUR where he started cursing up a storm and flipping everybody off. It’s uncanny. You know what? Maybe we DO need Jax on this show.
I can’t believe I saved the screenshot all these months.
I’ve got to say, who the f*ck cares if Kristen gave someone else a BJ? She’s not dating Carter. Why is Jax of all f*cking people on this Earth playing fidelity police?
Me: *thinks about it for one millisecond* He’s hiding something.
Ok so after the break they rudely cut from this sh*tstorm to go back to SUR, where Lisa is meeting James and literally tastes his Coke (the soda!) to make sure it’s not spiked. Surprise, James tries to beg for his job back once again. Honestly, like, why has he not set his sights just a little bit higher than this tacky Sexy Unique Restaurant restaurant in West Hollywood?
Oh, and what do you know, that very night they magically don’t have a DJ, so James can take the 1s and 2s. I’m actually happy for him, but I really just hope he doesn’t immediately f*ck it up, because if he does he’ll be finished in this town.
Now Jax is back home with Brittany in his black V-neck, arguing over the difference between that BJ video having been taken 2 vs. 4 weeks ago. Brittany starts to break down and ask why Jax is getting so worked up about something that he has literally no personal involvement in (bingo), and the look he gives her is one of pure animosity. I actually got chills.
Holy sh*t at Jax admitting he abuses Adderall on camera and the producers not cutting it out. This is the closest thing we will get to an admission of illicit drug usage on camera, and I will f*cking take it. It is the wild west, people! Are we back in the golden days?
Jax’s views on marriage are seriously yikes: we’re gonna fight, we’re gonna have brawls, we’re gonna have nights when you tell me to get the f*ck out of the house, I’m gonna hire a hot nanny and then f*ck her…
Oh sorry, did I make that last part up? Or did I just predict the future.
Hahahaha Brittany says she just doesn’t want Jax to revert into being mean and he says “well, not to you.” Should we start taking bets on the divorce? I give them three years and one baby before Brittany just can’t do it anymore. You heard it here first!
Images: Scheana Shay / Youtube; Courtesy of Bravo; Giphy (5)
I simply must be honest with you all, I feel as though I’m going soft. I know that the general temperature of Reddit, Bravo Facebook groups, and my esteemed colleague and Bravo expert Dylan Hafer seems to be that this season of Vanderpump Rules is trash. But honestly? I find myself liking it. Sure, the subplot between Dayna and whichever TomTom server she’s chosen that week is fake AF. Sure, we don’t care about Jax and Brittany’s wedding. But you know what I cared about even less? The emotional abuse cycle of Jax cheating on Brittany and generally treating her like sh*t and then gaslighting her for being upset about it. Katie and Tom’s Bubba circle-jerk. Lala going on and on about how she likes to please “her man”.
For all its flaws, Vanderpump Rules could certainly be a lot worse this season. Just remember that, lest we piss off the Bravo gods with our complaining, and they give us three more seasons of Dayna pretending to be interested in Brett or Max. The reality is, this show is too far gone to ever return to its days when the producers would literally sit back and watch these degenerates tear each other to shreds. The show’s too big now, and (some of) the cast are at least a little conscious of their public perception.
So with that honors thesis out of the way, let’s get into this week’s episode.
The episode kicks off with Dayna and Brett at a fake bartending school, where they are being taught how to mix drinks by a 12-year-old. (Or at least, he looks like one.) Which is oddly fitting considering Dayna says that being a bartender is “in her blood” since her mom was a bartender who taught her to make dirty martinis when she was eight years old. I mean, something is in her blood—I’m just not sure it’s bartending.
Apparently Schwartz really did lose the marriage certificate again, but not to worry—the Vegas chapels probably know that everyone getting married on their premises and can no longer hold onto their dignity, let alone a piece of paper, so they sent it in on their behalf. Honestly, though, I stand by my sentiment that I would take two failed marriage certificates as a sign from the Universe not to go through with it.
Stassi’s still taking jabs at Beau because he hasn’t proposed yet. Stassi is also mad at Kristen because, basically, Kristen still wants to be Beau’s number one, not considering that that would be wildly inappropriate considering 1) Beau is now dating her good friend, and 2) Kristen has f*cked Stassi’s ex before. Can you wonder why Beau would be extra cautious around Kristen? It’s so Stassi doesn’t, to quote Lala, “pop him”.
Kristen says that she, Stassi, and Kristen built their wine company “from the ground up.” Ah yes, the American Dream! Building a wine company from nothing but the backs of your Instagram followings that were in turn built off the backs of you being cast on a wildly successful reality TV show! Pretty sure that’s what my grandparents left Italy for.
Actually, remember what I said about how this season is a bit of fresh air from the past season’s regurgitated drama? I take it all back because Scheana’s talking to Lisa about her egg retrieval, once again insisting how she’s “not looking for a relationship” and “just having fun being single” and whatever party line she’s been toting out since the last season ended and she got mocked by the whole internet for how she behaved with Adam. Why don’t I buy what Scheana’s trying to sell me? Is it because I’m judging her on past behavior too much and assuming people are incapable of change? Or is it because the lady truly doth protest too much?
Whatever the reason, Lisa isn’t buying it either, and I can at least be comforted knowing I’m not alone. And the fact that it took Lisa straight-up saying to Scheana’s face that she thinks she’s full of sh*t to get her to admit that her revolving door of men have actually f*cked her up, kind of proves that I was right all along. Vindication!
Between Scheana being upset that her booty calls have not called to check in on her after her egg retrieval surgery and the fact that she busted her knee open after razor scootering, I’ve gotta say, it feels like Old Scheana is back. Is her tooth still gray? Give it one more episode and we’ll get the chunky glasses back. Damn, I forgot how entertaining that Scheana was. I’m actually surprised she’s not walking around on crutches right now.
Scheana tells Dayna that she saw a psychic, and she hired that psychic to have Dayna’s mom come through for her birthday. Oh wow that is so wildly inappropriate that I can’t help but crack up to myself.
Dayna: You’ve never lost a parent
Scheana: I know, but my mom has.
Scheana… my god… you are so stupid. Her need to constantly relate everything back to herself is almost pathological.
This really brings me back to the days when Scheana would needle Shay, a known opioid addict, into drinking because she didn’t want to be married to someone who couldn’t have a few drinks with her.
And even better? Scheana was going to spring this psychic on Dayna THAT VERY SECOND. And she tries to play it off to Dayna like “omg no she’s totally not waiting outside your apartment, I wasn’t going to just have her knock on your door, omg lol can you imagine? Hahaha” but then she proceeds to shut the psychic down… OUTSIDE OF DAYNA’S APARTMENT. Lol, I don’t know if Scheana is truly the most insensitive person alive, or if the producers put her up to this and did her extremely dirty. Listening to her try to play the semantics game that she didn’t have the psychic outside waiting (she was only technically on her way to Dayna’s apartment at the time Dayna asked if she was going to knock on her door) is leading me to believe the former.
In a grim turn of events, Beau reveals to Lisa that he isn’t planning on having Kristen be present at Stassi’s engagement. If he really doesn’t invite her, he might as well enter the Witness Protection Program.
All the new people are at some club, and Dayna’s resorted to her flirting strategy of just showering Brett with compliments and blowing up his ego. If that’s what you need to get a man, I will forever be single, and I’m cool with that tbh.
Oh my god if I could buy an Emmy I would personally empty my bank account to give it to the producer who precipitated this exchange:
Brett: Where I’m from if you and your friend have sex with the same girl, it’s ok.
Producer: And where are you from?
That’s it, guys. We did it. End the episode here. It’s not going to get any better than this.
Even the new girls have already clued into the fact that Scheana never keeps the same story because she’s worried about looking bad. Damn, it only took them like, a few weeks? They really are smarter than the rest of the cast.
James and Lala are back in the studio, much to the dismay of… anyone with ears. They actually have a pretty productive conversation about sobriety. Also, does having a stress dream about having gotten f*cked up mean I have a drinking problem? Whatever, I’ve only had one today. One… shelf.
Finally we get some back alley action at SUR (not like that, get your mind out of the gutter) when Brett goes out to talk to Scheana. She’s salty that she’s been blowing up his phone and he didn’t text her back. Scheana! He does not have to answer every single one of your texts! He’s not your boyfriend.
Scheana definitely has a point that she shouldn’t bother with friendships in which she puts in all the effort. However, there’s no point in announcing to someone that you’re dropping them as a friend because they don’t put in effort. You just stop putting in the effort and let the friendship fade.
But then Brett tag teams Dayna in, and she’s not over the psychic. I wouldn’t be either, and I wouldn’t even try to be friends with someone that out of touch with reality. I know, I wouldn’t last a second on this show.
It says a lot that Kristen is physically helping set up the wine party and Stassi and Katie just waltz in and start drinking. But honestly… a mood.
This Us Weekly reporter is gonna be so pissed when she watches this season and realizes that Stassi, Katie, and Kristen lied to every single question she asked them in this interview. Lol.
Danica pitches a SUR vs. TomTom softball game, which will be a fun fake plotline later on in the season.
Also, Max comes up to Dayna to basically tell her that he’s pissed about the Brett thing, but they’re both “moving on” and “ready to be friends.” K, sure Jan.
This whole thing of Ariana and Lala talking about why they’re still friends with James does not interest me, so I’m just going to watch IG Stories.
Whoops, I watched Insta stories for too long and almost missed Stassi talking to Beau about how they’re going mausoleum shopping tomorrow (???) when he’s actually going to be popping the question next episode. But was it worth the constant complaining, Beau? WAS IT?? Because I don’t think it was. Stassi, once again, is talking about how she’s over Kristen as a friend. Beau asks her like, one follow-up question and she immediately starts crying.
Anyway, this is awkward because wine-drunk Kristen goes up to Beau to ask if they’re still friends. Beau actively tries to avoid saying he can’t be friends with her anymore because Stassi doesn’t like her, but Kristen pokes at it until he’s basically forced to admit the truth.
Stassi comes up and tries to pull rank that Beau is her boyfriend, and Kristen just says “this is inappropriate for a wine party” and walks away. Lol. This leads me to wonder what would be appropriate for a wine party? It’s a wine party. I feel like anything goes.
Stassi goes completely ballistic, and ah yes, this is Old Stassi. Damn, first Old Scheana, now Old Stassi? What an episode. Yeah, she’s back on her hive mind bullsh*t where nobody she associates with is allowed to be cool with anyone she doesn’t like. In fact, if you don’t wish ill upon whoever Stassi doesn’t like at the moment, you’re dead to her. Remember Lala circa… up until this past season when she gave them rides on the private jet? Beau, if you would so much as piss on Kristen if she were on fire, Stassi will torpedo your entire relationship.
Stassi gives Beau an ultimatum that he should either go home with her or Kristen. Bud, you might want to rethink that proposal tomorrow. Maybe you shouldn’t have lied to Stassi all summer, and then she wouldn’t have freaked out in a tornado of insecurity. Ya hate to see it!
Images: Bravo; Giphy
If you’ve watched more than ten minutes of any episode of Vanderpump Rules, you probably know that Jax Taylor can be kind of an asshole. Well, more than kind of. Over the years, we’ve seen him lie, cheat, and steal (tbt to the Gucci sunglasses!), but somehow he’s still more or less the protagonist of this mess of a show. But even if the editors seem determined to convince us that Jax Taylor has changed, they can’t do anything about his messy AF tweets. This week, he ripped into some FedEx workers on Twitter, and it’s not a great look for him.
In general, Jax Taylor’s tweets have big 80-year-old man energy, complete with Christian undertones, homophobia, and general tone-deafness about everything that’s going on in our society. That’s during a normal time, so it’s no shock that Jax’s Twitter isn’t a great place to be during a global pandemic. On Monday, Jax apparently missed an attempted FedEx delivery, and he was NOT having it.
Are you kidding @FedEx you didn’t even knock on my door, how can you put a sticker on my door saying “we missed you”, clearly everyone’s home you didn’t even knock. 🤬
— Jax (@mrjaxtaylor) April 13, 2020
I feel like no good can come of a celeb starting a tweet with “Are you kidding .” Like, you are clearly too heated right now, so go walk around for an hour, and then reach out to customer service like a normal person. Jax’s second tweet came 15 minutes later, where he pointed out to FedEx that “most people have cameras on their homes,” so “the days of you saying ‘we tried’ are over”.
.@FedEx you do realize most people have cameras on their homes right? The days of you saying “we tried” are over. 🤬
— Jax (@mrjaxtaylor) April 13, 2020
First—and let me know if I’m wrong here—I don’t think most people have cameras on their homes. Maybe in certain neighborhoods, or if you’re rich, but I feel like this isn’t the strongest argument on Jax’s part. Of course, if FedEx actually left a missed delivery notice without even knocking, that’s annoying, but Jax seems a little too angry about a minor inconvenience.
Okay, so I know I said that Jax should’ve taken an hour to cool off before tweeting, but I clearly forgot who we’re dealing with. Five hours later, he hopped back on Twitter to answer some replies, and he was still way too mad.
It’s called gloves, drop the package off and leave, I gave specific instructions to leave all packages, I have cameras all over my house, so do your job right or don’t do it at all. Now I have to go pick it up, and that’s 100 times worse right now. @FedEx #annoying https://t.co/PPxFEEsjOz
— Jax (@mrjaxtaylor) April 14, 2020
It’s called gloves sweetie, look it up. This person was being totally reasonable and just pointing out that things might not be totally normal right now, because duh, it’s a pandemic. But obviously a little coronavirus is no excuse for messing up Jax Taylor’s delivery. He mentions the cameras again, and then says “do your job right or don’t do it at all.” The entitlement is real. We’ll see how happy Jax is when FedEx just shuts down and he can’t get any packages at all. Or maybe he could start making deliveries?
Finally, FedEx Help responded to him, but he just took that as another opportunity to complain. This time, he said that his neighbors told him their packages “were delivered broken,” and that there’s footage of “them just throwing it in our yards.” Again, not great if true, but I still don’t want to read a rage-fueled Jax Taylor tweet about it. He also reminded them that “everyone has cameras nowadays,” and I ask, WHERE ARE THE RECEIPTS!!!
Thank you for getting back to me, my neighbors just called me and said all their packages were delivered broken, we have it all on camera of them just throwing it in our yards, not okay. Tell your drivers, everyone has cameras nowadays. Please be respectful of people’s property. https://t.co/rg5aHst7t7
— Jax (@mrjaxtaylor) April 14, 2020
FedEx Help then responded ONCE AGAIN about Jax’s neighbor’s packages, because now I guess Jax Taylor is the Fedex customer service liaison for Valley Village. And yet again, he decided to be a dick in his response, saying that this “has nothing to do with the virus, they’re just being lazy.” The old man energy really is palpable, and I feel like Jax is one Pokémon evolution away from being Clint Eastwood growling “GET OFF MY LAWN” while carrying a shotgun.
Thanks for getting back to me, just not right how these handlers are treating packages. Has nothing to do with the virus, they are just being lazy, they have been doing this way before the virus. But again, appreciate your assistance. ✝️💟😊 https://t.co/H3U6QttrAO
— Jax (@mrjaxtaylor) April 14, 2020
I’m sure most of you already know this, but this is a tough time for everyone. Changes have to be made, and certain things might not go according to plan. Even if you’re frustrated, this is the time to applaud the essential workers that are keeping our lives going. Or, if you’re Jax Taylor, ream them out to thousands of followers for something that might have been an honest mistake. Your choice!
Images: Bravo / Contributor / Getty Images; mrjaxtaylor / Twitter
Greetings, children of the quarn, and come join me for the latest Vanderpump Rules recap. Truthfully, the only thing I remember about last week was how unintentionally hilarious Charli was. Judging by her Instagram follower count and her typical allotted amount of screen time per episode, she is pitifully underrated. Like, not to brag (but kind of to brag) but how do I, a certified jackass who just subtweets my Hinge dates and posts screenshots of those tweets to Instagram, have more followers than a regulation hottie on a hit TV show? I will try to not let this go to my head.
Narrator: She would, in fact, immediately let it go to her head.
It’s only been like, three episodes since Jax and Brittany’s wedding, and we’re already back on the wedding train with Katie and Tom’s fake Vegas wedding. Stassi and Sandoval are officiating the wedding together, because I guess Katie and Schwartz really do not want to be legally married. Just kidding, I’m sure Sandoval, at least, will get all the proper licensing. Stassi will probably just find a way to not really do her job and make it about her.
Seeing Danica, Scheana, and Charli go to an outdoor bar and order Aperol spritzes is giving me physical pangs of grief. I too remember those days!! Scheana’s not going to Katie and Tom’s wedding because she’s getting her eggs retrieved, and not because she wasn’t invited. Phew, I honestly wasn’t sure.
Meanwhile, at TomTom, Brett is telling Max that he made out with Dayna but it was only because he downed three fruity drinks right in a row and he never has carbs or alcohol! He definitely doesn’t like Dayna at all. This is shady.
Charli is once again the underrated MVP of this entire show with this quote: “To men in LA, vaginas don’t have a face.” New York is the same, in case anyone was wondering. Or is the problem just… men? More on this at 8.
Gonna be honest with you guys, I like, scrolled through Instagram for five solid minutes of Lisa pretending to buy shoes and everyone arriving in Vegas. I just watched McMillions yesterday and now I’m triggered by any and all B-roll footage.
Unfortunately for Dayna, she has been left at SUR to polish glasses—as if she would have been invited to Vegas in the first place. Scheana comes up to Dayna to tell her, once again, that she’s freezing her eggs. The thing is, I could easily make a joke about how it’s like… Nobody: Scheana: I’m freezing my eggs, but the saddest part is that still nobody ever listens to her.
Over in Vegas, Lala and Randall are talking in bed, and wow, they look really good here.
As Schwartz is unpacking, he pulls out a bra that is definitely not Katie’s, that just “happened” to end up in his suitcase. It is… pretty dark to watch Schwartz try to jokingly-not-jokingly gaslight Katie that it is, in fact, her bra, only to slink away when that doesn’t work, muttering, “I’m so f*cked.” Ohhh boy. This is not gonna be good.
Also in Vegas, not at all prompted by producers, Beau calls Stassi’s dad to ask his permission to marry her. Beau is sweating like a whore in church and stammering like… a whore confessing in church? I don’t know, I don’t go to church!
Things I did not need to know: Raquel is turned on by James’s sobriety. Yea, I’m not surprised that James is better at sex when he doesn’t have constant whiskey dick. Let’s move on.
Scheana’s doppelgänger waitress is crazy, but what’s even crazier is Stassi trying to flex like she doesn’t remember the name of Scheana’s song. She calls it “Sweet as Silver,” and like, bitch, we all know you know it’s “Good as Gold.” First of all, you heard it nonstop in the Pride parade. 44 donkey kicks to the ear, remember? Also, it is a bop, so put some goddamn respect on Scheana’s name.
It’s pretty wild that Schwartz is going to insist that he has nothing to hide vis-à-vis the bra situation, when we all saw him black out in Mexico and end up in a totally different resort. Just saying, it’s completely within the realm of possibility. But then we learn that Lisa put her underwear in there accidentally but also as a prank? I am confused, but honestly not upset with this turn of events.
Ariana’s reaction to the giant bottle of Casamigos is everything.
Bootleg Scheana continues to trip even Max and Lisa out, and predictably, she’s flirting with Max too. Is this a glitch in the Matrix, or do they just go to the same botox doctor? Where is Charli for a hilarious yet true quote about all the women in LA?
I’m also going to go out on a limb here and say that Max doesn’t get to dump Dayna/refuse to take her back and then try to forbid Brett from seeing her under the guise that he “has feelings” for her. Max is like, “if I can’t use Dayna for my storyline, no one can!”
Dayna and Danica are hanging out and she’s wearing some crazy sweatshirt with a chain situation. I love that they’re talking about the “magical website” where Danica shops that is definitely like, Fashion Nova.
I also love Danica trying to explain why Dayna and Brett aren’t a good match, in earnest, because Dayna is a Leo and Brett is a Pisces and “those two just don’t mix.” And then she makes an off-the-cuff remark about how two of her exes have restraining orders against her? Okay, one, who let her on this show? But also, like, who is only letting her have a minimal part in this show? This is a huge missed opportunity. We need more Danica content.
Katie and Schwartz’s fake wedding is pretty fun, and this is the best Katie has never looked. But um, super yikes that Stassi used her friend’s second wedding to sh*t on Beau for not proposing. I need to say it again because I’m not over it: yikes. Girl, get a grip.
Brett, Dayna, James, and Raquel are on the weirdest double date ever. Brett stumbles through a half-assed garden metaphor and then talks about how he….. has a fetish to drink his mom’s breast milk? Sorry, but that’s what I heard, guys.
Dayna remarks that Lisa “has a phat pussy”, and can we not with the Lala energy? I’m going to crawl into my own belly button like Stimpy in that one harrowing episode of Ren & Stimpy.
The next morning, Stassi calls room service in a fake British accent. I would knock it, but I’m about to be doing that with telemarketers in about a week just to get my kicks.
Unsurprisingly, Max f*cked Bootleg Scheana. You know what we call that? Brand loyalty.
The next day, the Bubbas are extremely hungover, and it’s the moment of truth to see if Tom was able to hang onto his marriage certificate…. Again. He did lose it, and I gotta say, this is on Katie this time for trusting him with it again.
Schwartz: Even without the piece of paper, we’re still legally married.
Katie: Actually that paper is like, the only thing that guarantees we are legally married.
Honestly guys, maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Look at it this way: if you never get legally married, then you don’t have to deal with (or pay for) a divorce!
If you want more Vanderpump Rules content, check out our video with Kristen Doute from the Betches Instathon:
Images: runningdreamz / Twitter; Bravo
As much as I hate to admit it, this season of Vanderpump Rules has been disappointing. We had to sit through nearly a dozen episodes dedicated mostly to Jax and Brittany’s
nightmare fairytale wedding, and things haven’t gotten much more interesting in the weeks since. But just because the actual episodes have been slow doesn’t mean there’s not some interesting drama playing out in real life—or, because we’re all quarantined, playing out on social media.
Last Friday, Stassi Schroeder tweeted a joke about how she would willingly go back to being a waitress at SUR if it meant the quarantine would be over. If you watch the show, you know that Stassi never actually liked working at SUR, so this is a pretty big statement for her.
I’m willing to go back to waitressing at SUR for this quarantine to be over. Honestly— at this point, I’d pay to put on that SUR dress and clock in.
— Stassi Schroeder (@stassi) April 10, 2020
Stassi obviously meant it as a joke, and plenty of people found it funny, including SUR manager Peter Madrigal, who responded to Stassi with a shift assignment. But not everyone appreciated Stassi’s joke. Danica Dow, a SURver who is new to Vanderpump Rules this season, called Stassi out for being tone-deaf. She noted that due to the closure, SUR employees have had to file for unemployment, and Stassi is “insensitively cracking jokes” while the Toms are raising money for their employees (more on that in a minute).
While Tom & Tom are raising money for their employees, you’re kind of insulting this pandemic that has left everyone at sur having to file for unemployment. Everyone at sur is struggling while you’re insensitively cracking jokes & sitting pretty in your new house smh.
— Danica (@Danicadowww) April 11, 2020
While I wasn’t immediately offended by Stassi’s tweet, Danica definitely has a point. Though COVID-19 has affected everyone—Stassi even had to postpone her tour—it’s not quite the same. She’ll probably be just fine, while all of the people who actually work at SUR (they’re not all TV stars) are struggling, and would probably love to be able to go back to work right now.
Some people replied calling Danica thirsty or jealous, but even if that’s true, she’s not wrong about the situation at SUR. According to some reports, Lisa Vanderpump and the other owners aren’t doing anything to help out their restaurant employees right now, which is really disappointing. Lisa even told Andy Cohen that “they’re all on unemployment.” I don’t know the details of her finances, but if she’s anywhere near as rich as she comes across on the show, paying some bartenders seems like the least she could do. Lisa, what’s up?
But who here is actually doing the right thing? Tom and Tom! As much as Tom Schwartz is on my sh*t list right now on the show, he and Tom Sandoval are at least trying to do something good for their employees. The Toms are together during quarantine, and they joined Cameo to raise money for the TomTom staff. 100% of the money they earn from Cameo goes to the employees, and they’re matching everything up to $10,000. I’m not expecting these people to be writing million-dollar checks, but this feels like they’re really doing what they can.
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Millions of people in the restaurant industry are out of work bc of #covıd19 including our @tomtom Family, @twschwa and I are donating 100% of our earnings from cameo to our TomTom Staff & matching the amount up to $10,000!! Book ur @cameo today and get a personalized message from the #2toms !! -❤️LINK IN BIO ❤️-Thank u so much everyone! Stay safe! We love u! #pumprules
In Tom Sandoval’s comments, someone tried to come for him for not just paying his employees normally. Tom, who is an angel on earth, responded that “as a 5% owner, this what I can do.” Okay, we stan. As we all know, Tom and Tom are not actually the majority owners here—that’s Lisa Vanderpump! This response from Tom feels like both an actual explanation and some subtle shade at Lisa, and she kinda deserves it.
So what does this all boil down to? Right now is an extremely tough time for people in service industries, and it’s sad that more employers (especially those with money) aren’t helping their staff out. So Stassi’s joke was probably in poor taste, and Danica wasn’t wrong to point that out, but the real issue here is that Lisa Vanderpump could probably be doing more to help her employees. Thankfully, Tom and Tom are doing what they can, but it’s just not enough. All I know is that when this is all over, I’m going to SUR, and I will be tipping generously to thank these people for all they’ve given us. It’s the least I can do!
Images: Featureflash Photo Agency / Shutterstock.com; stassi, danicadowww / Twitter; tomsandoval1 / Instagram
14 episodes into this season of Vanderpump Rules, and I still feel like nothing really of note has happened. Jax and Brittany’s wedding charade came and went. Kristen is spiraling further inside of herself. Lala is doubling down on her role as the cast bully. But are any of these actual events? This is nothing like Jax banging Kristen, or Kristen flying up Miami girl to accost Sandoval, or even Kristen wearing that desperate green dress to go “get her mail” post-breakup. I’m beginning to truly come to terms with the fact that Vanderpump Rules is so far removed from its heyday that it can never return. It is a shell of what it once was. Or am I being too idealistic? After all, even with all that said, I do think this has been comparatively a good season.
When last week ended, Randall pranked Sandoval by way of Jax by getting him fake-arrested; the only person who vocally did not find it funny was Katie. This ends with Schwartz saying some truly gross things about his wife, and him being genuinely shocked that Katie does not still leave the party with him. Then again, these two just might be two toxic peas in a radioactive pod: Schwartz yells “that’s why I don’t f*ck her”; Katie screams about how his d*ck doesn’t work. A day in the life of the Bubbas.
This episode opens with Schwartz, Beau, Jax, and Max at a skate park—fitting considering all these guys have the emotional maturity of 14-year-olds. Jax asked Schwartz if he’s “squashed things” between him and Katie, and although I don’t think Jax is any kind of master—or even adequtae—wordsmith, given that he does not even know how to pronounce the word “inevitably”, I do find the fact that he refers to a serious issue in Schwartz and Katie’s marriage as something that needs to be “squashed” troubling.
I spent all this time using my creative writing degree, and came back into the other half of this cast at axe throwing, where Raquel is very good (respect) and Dayna is telling Brett about his big d*ck energy. Is this flirting now? You just… tell the guy he has a big d*ck? No wonder male mediocrity is at an all-time high.
At SUR, Charli tells a table of patrons that she is a picky person about her cheesecake so she goes to the Cheesecake Factory. We truly do not deserve her.
Guillermo comes up to Lisa to air some grievances about Danica. She apparently screwed up her food order at one of her two tables, which somehow resulted in one table getting overcharged $200? I’m not really clear on how that happened. I don’t really think it’s important, what is important is that Lisa clearly regrets hiring an Instagram model to manage one of her restaurants.
The next day, Schwartz and Katie are like, debriefing on their fight or whatever and Katie says she feels the prank was a little insensitive given the times we’re in. Uhh… do we… stan a woke queen? No, you’re right, the bar is so f*cking low for this show that I’ve deluded myself. But, we are cool with an aware person. I’ll say that.
Schwartz’s immediate response, though, is to snap, “don’t be a social justice warrior,” which is equal parts disappointing and unsurprising. Sheesh, read a f*cking newspaper. Ok, no you’re right, that’s asking too much. Read a f*cking tweet or two.
Hold on hold on hold on. Schwartz feels that Katie’s reaction to a prank on a 40-year-old was dumb and immature? But the prank itself was, what? The height of comedy and maturity? Am I living in the Upside Down?
This fight is completely glossed over with one half-assed apology and a little bit of baby talk from Schwartz, which is all it takes for him to get away with anything. I could see this scenario 100% happening:
Judge: On the charge of first-degree murder, how do you plead?
Schwartz: Your honor, I just like, don’t know, did I mess up? Yeah I guess, but, I’m trying my hardest… *puppy dog eyes*
Judge: You’re absolutely right, case dismissed and I award the defendant $1 million for his pain and suffering.
The next day, Katie, Stassi, and Kristen meet to talk about planning a Witches of Weho party. Stassi admitting that she’d rather be a dictator than part of a democracy is probably the most on-brand thing she has ever said. Anyone remember the “Nazi chic” scandal? It’s important to know yourself, I guess.
Lisa and Stassi’s mom join them for some reason, and Lisa spills the beans about seeing everyone in Vegas. The tea? Katie and Tom are getting married for real there, and Kristen. Isn’t. Invited. Wow, this sh*t is for real, then.
Dayna and Brett are… meeting for drinks? *Checks screen again* they’re on a date? Huh? All it took was one BDE comment and they’re on a date already? This is hella strange. What’s also strange is that on this “date”, they’re like, pretending to psychoanalyze each other.
Brett: I feel like you have a good head on your shoulders.
Dayna: I’m getting a sense that you may have a complicated relationship with a father figure, whose name starts with J?
Like, did they just add each other on Co-Star? Why are they doing this?
Dayna opens up about losing her mom. And I don’t even open up about any of my traumas until I get to the altar. Not sure if I should be scared or impressed with her. But how long do we think she had that “I have more baggage than Tumi” comment in her back pocket? And furthermore, is it okay if I steal it?
So while Stassi is bitching to Lisa about how Beau hasn’t proposed yet, Beau is commandeering Katie and Schwartz to help out with the proposal, because he says they’re the only people he knows who can keep a secret. Has he met Schwartz? Schwartz can’t even keep a bartending shift.
Naturally, Kristen calls Scheana to ask what the deal is with Vegas, and naturally, Scheana spills all the beans. Gotta say, I’m kind of into this subplot of Scheana being Kristen’s informant all season. It’s so random, but such a necessary little deus ex machina.
Brittany walks into SUR and greets Peter, and you can tell she’s just waiting for Peter to say something about how she’s a married woman now. Thankfully Peter doesn’t take the bait. I love it.
The fact that we are supposed to believe that Brittany is taking a waitressing job at Sur to support herself is actually offensive. Offensive that they think we, who have been riding or dying for the past 7.5 seasons, will believe this.
Ariana, Lala and Dayna are hanging out, and I’m not getting into this p*ssy tasting conversation, y’all, so don’t even ask. It’s kind of funny listening to Dayna give some fake justification why she’s ~suddenly~ into Brett (hint: a story line). Also funny that Dayna made a big show out of inviting Max to her birthday party, when in fact she did no such thing, but claims her party is an “open invite.” An “open invite” does not an invitation make. If it does, I’m pulling up next year.
Stassi and Beau are at dinner, once again fighting about whether or not they’re getting engaged. Instead of being like, “it’s coming, I have the ring, just chill out,” he’s like “nahhhh I’mma make it seem like I don’t really wanna get engaged and f*ck with her emotions and I’m stringing her along so she’ll be extra surprised when I finally pop the question.” That is an incredibly sh*tty take. And they are supposed to be the most stable VPR couple. Yikes. I’m beginning to see why the people in my Facebook groups aren’t as impressed with Beau as the general public seems to be.
Anyway, it’s time for Dayna’s birthday party. Unrelated but equally important: Charli named her boobs Tia and Tamera. Again, we don’t deserve an unintentional comedy queen.
Kristen takes Katie outside, and she’s already crying. Yikes haha, this isn’t going to end well. If there’s one thing Katie has disdain for, it’s open displays of emotion. And Kristen.
Katie and Kristen could not be on two more different pages. They’re not even in the same book, or on the same bookshelf. Katie is like, “Kristen, we haven’t been friends in a long time.” Meanwhile, Kristen is still insisting that she loves Katie and would jump in front of traffic for her. I too, would probably jump in front of traffic with respect to Katie, but with a different motive than Kristen for doing it.
Dayna hears that Scheana is actually upset about that she’s dating Max. No wait, Brett. I can’t keep up. Scheana is like, mad that Dayna didn’t clear the date with her? I thought she did that earlier at SUR? I’m very confused. I wish for once Scheana could call a spade a spade and just admit that she’s either A) just upset because she’s hormonal (this is me being generous) or B) upset because she wants to date Brett.
The more Scheana insists she doesn’t like Brett, the more I just want to scream “the lady doth protest too much”. She really doth, though!
Holy sh*t, thank God Lala finally called out Scheana for taking in all these stray f*ckboys as her “best friend” du jour when she really has an interest in them. Is sober Lala… me?
Damn, I do feel bad for Scheana. Spoken as the designated single friend who’s always witnessing everyone around her find happiness with “their person”, it like, gets kind of annoying being by yourself for yet another significant life event.
Anyway, the episode ends with some sappy speech from Dayna, and then she and Brett, covered in cake, making out. Plus a final gem from Charli, who tries to run away from the cake but ends up with it on her face and in her hair: my skincare routine is too expensive for this sh*t.
Hey all you cool cats and kittens, it’s Sara here, with this week’s Vanderpump Rules recap. Before we get started I must confess that I felt regret about possibly not going hard enough at Lala last episode. Many people on the internet pointed out that it was f*cked up of her to have outed James on television, and truthfully, that fact escaped me. I thought this was old news, and Lala was simply being messy. However, outing someone is a whole different ballgame, and one that is never okay.
Who also acted messy last week? Just about everyone. From Katie and Stassi openly kicking Kristen when she was down to Jax acting like a little bitch about having to put on a damn costume. And with that, the episode opens this week at Lisa’s stables. Oh, I forgot that Ariana is a horse girl but seeing this brought back up is giving me some semblance of joy. At least, I think, it’s been so long since I’ve felt that emotion. However, all the interactions that ensue with said horse have immediately killed whatever approximation to happiness I just felt. First off, there’s the fact that the horse responds to French. Is that really necessary? No. It is just a flex for Lisa to show off the fact that she speaks (okay) French. And also, there’s the thing with the horse penises (I swear, I had to check with my Assistant Editor to make sure this really did happen and I didn’t dream it last night). Did Lisa… try to jack off her horse? Hearing her and Ariana talk about their horses’ dicks just sent me. Goodbye to you all, I shall continue writing this recap from beyond the grave.
And on that note, we are back in Weho, or wherever Stassi lives, where Katie comes bearing In-N-Out for Stassi’s massive hangover.
Actual footage of Katie:
They go over the guest list of Katie’s Wine Night party, and it is the entire female work force of SUR, Pump, and TomTom, plus the female population of Weho, minus Kristen. Yes, I see this ending swimmingly for all parties involved.
Raquel confronts James about the rumor that he was drinking at the friend’s birthday party. James swears on his life that he didn’t, which is not really necessary if there is, in fact, video of this party. I sure hope this alleged drinking incident doesn’t become a whole Taylor/Kanye thing. Should we just release the tape?
At SUR, Scheana is in the middle of bragging about her whip from the other night to Raquel (nobody cares) and Raquel is thankfully given relief by Katie calling her to invite her to wine night. Would I rather listen to Scheana flex about her fake sexploits or drink wine with Katie? That’s a real Sophie’s Choice. I guess I’d choose the wine.
Brett has been “doing YouTube content” for four years, which is giving me major flashbacks to how “seriously” Ariana takes sketch comedy. He tries to give his fake elevator pitch for how #premium the content on his Youtube channel is, while the producers play us actual footage from his channel. It is clear the viewers come for one thing, and one thing only: his abs.
Scheana and Brett are having a hilarious moment where they think they totally understand each other and they could not be on more different pages. In the one corner, you have Brett all but telling Scheana he’d never so much as f*ck her blindfolded. In the other corner, you have Scheana saying in not so many words that she’s down to make him husband number two if he so much as bats his eyelashes in a suggestive way. In the third corner, you have me, dying of secondhand embarrassment.
The Toms, and Max for some reason, are discussing ways to prank Jax. Why is this a storyline, even for pretend? The guys agree to TP Jax’s house. Wasting toilet paper?? In this economy?! Should be a felony. Y’all remember the days when you could just like, waste toilet paper? Watching this is physically hurting me.
Predictably, Jax sees what they’ve done to his tree and does not find it funny, probably because he has no sense of humor unless he’s laughing at someone else’s expense. But also because the only person who would actually find this funny would be Greg Pikitis, and Jax is 40, not a student at Pawnee Middle School.
Brett comes over to film his TikTok or whatever, and Scheana manages to shoehorn in the fact that she had sex last night even though nobody, least of all Brett, asked.
Not a single soul:
Certainly not Brett:
Scheana: Yea so I didn’t sleep at home last night because I had sex four times.
Oh, Scheana. So sweet. So well-meaning. But so cringey all the same.
The thing about this f*ckgirl comment is that it made 100% sense. Scheana says she’s been dating f*ckboys, Brett points out that you attract the energy you put out, so does that make Scheana a f*ckgirl? He didn’t even really call her that, he asked if she would consider herself that. Big difference, if you ask me. Scheana completely goes ballistic that Brett would “call” her that (probably because, by extension, it means he wouldn’t take her home to mom), and has to assert for the billionth time that she’s just having fun and not looking for a relationship. Say it with me now:
Over at wine night, Katie is back on her mean girl bullsh*t—actually, that phrase implies that she’s ever gotten off of it—and says Kristen got herself not invited to this party. Like, no, you clearly extended this invitation to the entire female population of the U.S. minus Kristen. This is all you. These girls are brutal, sheesh.
Kristen learns about the wine night through Scheana who spilled the beans about this. Now, if this was seasons 2-5 Kristen, she would just crash the f*ck out of this lame gathering. But given that this is Sad Girl Kristen, and not Crazy Kristen, she’s probably just going to cry about it into her dogs. She really is a shell of what she once was.
Damn I actually feel bad for Kristen that she wasn’t invited to drink wine with her own wine partner. Dark.
Okay, so Dayna arrives at wine night guns a-blazin’, saying that she grew up drinking 40s and vodka out of plastic gallons, as if that makes her unique or alternative and not just…. A person who was once a teenager. You’ve got to be f*cking kidding. I want to like this girl, but she is making it difficult.
It took Tom confessing for Jax to solve the mystery of who TP’d his tree. Damn, these people are not smart. Hopefully Jax never got all the toilet paper out of the tree because it would be really useful right about now.
Okay, so apparently Raquel was flaunting the fact that she told Scheana to shut the f*ck up, and Lala is taking it upon herself to, like, be Scheana’s mercenary. Or, she said it to Lala and Scheana is involved for unknown reasons? I don’t know. Guess that Real Housewife invitation never came in the mail, so this is what it’s coming to.
In true gross Lala fashion, she says “people like Raquel need to learn to stay in their lane so people like me can run sh*t.” This seriously gives a dark glimpse into Lala’s own opinion of herself. It is… shall I say… overblown.
Lala basically tries to publicly shame Raquel for talking sh*t about Logan, and like, the whole group doesn’t need to be involved in this. This is weird. She’s like, the teacher trying to humiliate a student in front of the whole class, but in this case, the student didn’t really do anything. And the teacher is also an asshole. Okay, you’re right, this is a terrible analogy. Whatever. Lala tries to circle Raquel like she’s one of the hyenas in the The Lion King and Raquel is a dead carcass (idk, just the imagery I’m getting with these outfits), but it doesn’t quite work because Raquel isn’t letting herself get bullied. *Chris Traeger voice* I am equal parts shocked, and!, impressed.
Lol at Lala being like “don’t say I didn’t genuinely care about James. I set up sessions in the studio because he thrives in the studio.” Oh you mean, studio sessions to work on your song? Imagine that. “Don’t ever say I didn’t care, I set up something for him that also benefited me! See! I’m such a caring friend!” Get this girl outta here.
Queen Charli points out that maybe Lala still likes James, which is why she’s constantly picking at Raquel. She is a very underrated presence on this season, and I hope the producers soon recognize that.
Lol the fact that Raquel calls Lala a rottweiler and Lala is like “no bitch I’m a pitbull. Get it f*cking right.” This is the dumbest fake hard sh*t ever because like, if you were to ask me I would say pitbulls are adorable and rottweilers are a lot more scary. But sure, Lala. Whatever you want.
I truly loved the clip of Lala saying “don’t project on me what you reflect” and Ariana mouthing “what??” to herself. I’m glad I’m not the only person who feels like they are in the Twilight Zone. I wish Lala would stop watching old Tupac movies and get back down to Earth; she was way more likable back then. And by Earth, I mean Utah. Never forget where you came from!
It’s Jax’s birthday, and basically nobody is dressed up except for Scheana and Jax. I feel that this is good, petty revenge for his temper tantrum at Tom’s birthday.
And the fact that Schwartz gave Jax a foot fleshlight is sending me ONCE AGAIN. Somebody please direct me to the nearest cliff, because I need to fling myself off of it.
Poor Kristen is like “Katie and Stassi are my family, I don’t understand how you can just cut family out. The point of it is that you’re supposed to stick together,” neglecting the fact that people cut their families off all the time. And, see, Kristen, that’s the whole problem when you take a metaphor literally. You get your expectations shattered, and what you’re saying ceases to make any sense.
And I am now writing this recap from the bottom of the cliff off of which I have flung myself, because Randall is at this birthday party, remarking how he and Jax are in the same age group. I am unwell.
Okay, I Googled it, and Randall is, in fact, 49 years old. Come on, sir. Calling you and Jax the same age is stretttttching things.
Everybody goes back to Jax’s to have an after party (I think? All their houses look the same). Also, after-partying is not a good idea because Jax is already slurring and making no sense. The two police officers from the movie Superbad come to the party and handcuff Sandoval to arrest him for vandalism, and I can tell right away that this is obviously a prank since literally nobody is reacting. And also because I’m not an idiot.
After it’s all over, Katie flips out, and like, if every single person on this show were not white I would say her whole “turn on the news” objection to having cops arrest someone as a “prank” would be spot-f*cking-on. Still, I will commend this brief flicker of wokeness, even if it is a little misdirected, simply because it’s the closest thing to social/political awareness we will ever get on this show.
Schwartz, instead of comforting his wife, pretends to gag, says he’s never been more turned off in his life, and yells that that’s why he doesn’t have sex with her. Holy sh*t, literally every single guy is like “dude, stop you’re being disgusting, SHUT UP!” If these personifications of misogyny are telling him he’s being gross, you know it’s bad. Katie might be a mean girl and a miserable person, but she doesn’t deserve to get degraded that way and called a moron in front of all their friends and a national viewing audience. The episode ends there. F*cking SHEESH what is with these episodes lately that are ending all dark and depressing?
Images: Bravo; Giphy