What’s up bitches, what’s up hoes. What’s up witches, what’s up WeHoes. I’m sure I have used that intro at some point in the past four seasons, but I don’t f*cking care because I’m running out of ways to say “Hey fellow sufferers of this weird brand of Bravo-induced Stockholm Syndrome, thank you for tuning in to yet another one of my rage blackouts!”
In case you couldn’t tell, I’m slightly drunk and ready to rip into these hypocrites. I can’t believe the season is over already. On the one hand, it feels kind of short. On the other hand, I have aged 85 years. My friends and family want me to stop talking about Vanderpump Rules. My doctor is concerned about the effect it appears to have on my cholesterol. I’ve been unable to hold down a relationship. Okay, none of that sh*t is true (except the relationship part), but I’m saying it for effect. And that’s why you guys are still here. I am Cady Heron and Vanderpump Rules is my Regina George.
We open this reunion with a retrospective of the pile-on of James Kennedy, and James storming out. While James is out of the room, Lisa tells Kristen to take a breath because she’s not doing herself any favors. Andy even reiterates to Kristen that she’s jumping in at every single question . Lisa goes backstage to tell James that he needs to pull himself together and stand up for himself. Meanwhile, Katie and Stassi are lamenting over how hated Katie is, and neither seem to understand why. I would insert some snarky line about why Katie is so obviously hated, but you know what? One snarky line would not suffice. Katie, if you really don’t understand why people are not fawning over you co-opting the #MeToo movement to get someone you don’t like fired, then read my recaps 1-20.
Lala comes in with perhaps the only reasonable statement: Guys, we’ve got to stop talking about people’s parents. You know what? If we’re going to create boundaries, this seems like a fine place to start.
Andy can’t take the heat anymore and switches topics to Lala’s anxiety. Even with Sandoval outing James’s coke habit, we are still going to pretend like Lala wasn’t on molly the night before she had a panic attack in Mexico. Damn, and here I was thinking we had made progress.
Andy holds no punches and says “Scheana, you said the gang has been up Lala’s ass since her dad died and she can do no wrong. Are there other examples of that besides her not wanting to make out with you?” Scheana honestly took this very diplomatically and basically admitted that she was being insecure and felt like Lala didn’t appreciate their friendship. Okay, you know what? I’ll say it. I like Scheana this season. Yeah, she can be annoying, and thirsty, but at the end of the day, she sides with people not out of blind loyalty, but her own moral compass, and she at least attempts to understand why she is criticized and changes her behavior accordingly when she is in the wrong. That’s more than I can say for pretty much anyone else on this show, except Stassi, but only when she loses advertisers.
Why did Andy pronounce CON-troversy like con-TROH-ver-see? In any case, they are talking about the Mexico trip and James getting uninvited from it.
Schwartzy is being so Schwartzy, like, “I guess I got scared and blamed the invite on Sandoval!” and everyone is like “awwwww Schwartzyyyy it’s okay!” and we all move on. Typical Schwartzy. Will this man ever face consequences for his actions??
Andy asks James why he would want to even go to Mexico given that everyone in the group hated him at that time, and you guys. You f*cking guys. I can’t even handle it. Like, I need to watch James’s response, soak it all up, then come back. Because in the most measured, detached, accurate way, he just reads everyone and their sh*tty abroad behavior for filth. And NOBODY acknowledges it! They all just stare back at him blankly. James is a f*cking unsung hero.
Holyyyyy shit, we finally get the James vs. Katie reckoning when Andy asks Schwartz if he admits that Katie has said equally bad things to the others as James. That was a f*cked up syntax; let’s just go with it. Then we get a montage of Katie’s greatest (read: lowest hits), which include calling Lala a whore to her face, telling Schwartz about how his penis doesn’t work, etc. Schwartz, basically at the threat of murder, that Katie said bad things in the past but she’s a changed person. Katie, STILL F*CKING BLIND TO HER OWN PAST ACTIONS, says, “do not f*cking compare me to him. Ever.”
But you have very similar behavior patterns…
Andy asks Katie why her go-to insult of Schwartz is to say sh*t about his penis. If nothing else, we learn that Schwartz is a grower and not a shower, which honestly seems on brand for him.
After the break, Beau comes to the reunion and is the only guest so far to be met with a round of applause.
We learn that Patrick cheated on Stassi and she found texts between him and some model, and she never told anyone because she was too embarrassed to tell everyone about it. Beau claims he never watched the show before he started dating Stassi, which I barely believe.
Apparently Kristen and Beau were in some random weird-ass film 12 years ago, and they kissed in the film. I wonder how she even thought to hit Beau up to introduce him to Stassi? How’d that go? “Hmm there was this guy I kissed in a weird indie film over a decade ago… but I bet he’d be into my friend.”
Beau admits that mixing alcohol and Adderall makes Stassi into a monster. I am here for this upper-acknowledgment culture this reunion.
We segue into the whole Stassi “dark passenger thing,” and it’s whatever, but I don’t love Beau basically saying that these are Stassi’s insecurities coming out and it’s her issue to deal with alone. I don’t really agree. This is your partner. These should be issues you tackle together, no?
Stassi resolves to stop taking Adderall, and she and Beau both claim that Stassi’s behavior has immediately changed.
Yes I’m aware I use this gif in every recap, thank you very much!
Apparently Stassi’s mom told Kristen that she hopes Stassi grows up to be half the woman Kristen is. WHAT?? NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. Do you guys have approximately four hours? Because that’s how long I need to dissect just how f*cked up and inaccurate of a statement that is.
From that, we do a total side-step to talk about the boys’ night at the Mondrian hotel. First off, props to the Mondrian PR team for getting all those mentions. Brittany makes a comment about lighting Jax’s balls on fire if she would have caught them in the hotel room with those random girls. Sweet, innocent Brittany, lighting Jax’s balls on fire?
Andy asks Kristen why she was so triggered by James DJing at Pump. Kristen says she’s still affected by it. James, in typical James fashion, says “get over it. Get over it. I’m not in your life anymore, you need to get the f*ck over it.” He’s right, but like, he said that with no tact.
Stassi claims Kristen is not obsessed with James.
All of us:
Stassi tries to basically stick up for Kristen and say that she thought that her breakdown wasn’t really about James. But Kristen claims that it was! Kristen, you gotta take the Ws where you can.
Kristen says she and Carter broke up, basically, because he was freeloading off her. Kristen still stands by her statement that if she were to get married to anyone, it would be to Carter. Girl, what? She is still living with Carter because their dog got mauled by a pit bull. They had sex twice? Girl…. Girl…. What???
Guys, I’m sorry, I just can’t even process this and snark on it at the same time. Is “to snark on” a verb? Probably not. Whatever.
Yooo, holy sh*t. Okay. Kristen has a breakdown and starts crying because Stassi and Katie are too annoyed by her so she feels like she can’t go to them for support. Yikes. She says she sits at home alone and cries about it.
Katie of all f*cking people tells Kristen she’s settling for something that doesn’t make her happy. Kristen says over and over “your type of love doesn’t work for me.” That sounds like a phrase that was cherry-picked by Kristen’s therapist, and here’s why it’s bullsh*t: your friends, if they want what’s best for you, should point out situations where you are ultimately hurting yourself. If that’s not what you want to hear? Too f*cking bad. You NEED to hear it. Saying “your type of love doesn’t work for me” very directly translates to “you challenging my harmful behaviors doesn’t suit me because it’s forcing me to grow.” Sorry Kristen, too damn bad.
For once, I’m gonna say that Katie is right. After hearing about how sh*tty Carter is for the past two years, of course Katie is not going to like him. Of course she’s going to encourage Kristen to leave him. And she is more than justified in having an opinion when Kristen has spent the past two years venting to her about Carter. Sucks that Katie’s opinion isn’t in line with what Kristen wants to hear, but those are the breaks.
Speaking of breaks, after the next one, we revisit Schwartz and Katie’s fight in Mexico. Andy f*cking goes in on Schwartz and all the terrible things he said about Katie. But tbh I forgot that Schwartz used the word “cacophony,” and hearing it again made me laugh out loud and immediately absolve him of all wrongdoing. Andy starts delving into the fight, before realizing he doesn’t get paid enough to precede over Katie and Tom’s marriage counseling session, so we quickly switch topics.
Whoaaaa Andy asks Kristen if she thinks Tom and Ariana did anything inappropriate when they were together. Holy sh*t, Andy really is out for blood, digging up dirt from like, five seasons ago. Kristen says “yeah, and I’m really glad that they did because I love them together.” Ariana is now saying she and Tom kissed in a pool in Vegas. But I thought the infamous makeout was at Coachella???
Brittany has 12 bridesmaids. Damn, I don’t even know 12 people. Lala was eventually made a bridesmaid because Brittany felt bad (read: wanted more rides on the PJ).
Jax still claims he lived with Channing Tatum. All I want is for Channing to confirm or deny this rumor. Will not rest until we get an answer!
Andy brings up Lisa comparing Jax to Ken. Jax and Brittany are thrilled (Brittany even claps), before Andy steps in to be like, “no, that wasn’t a compliment. She was saying you’re both dirty dogs.”
Andy brings up Scheana and Adam’s fight at the engagement party. Scheana admits that she met that model dude at WWHL in LA. Andy is gobsmacked. Holy sh*t, Andy asks Scheana if she still thinks Botox makes her look 26, and Scheana says yes. Andy, the messy bitch he is, says he thinks Botox makes people look older!! Andy! Soooo messy.
Apparently Scheana gave Adam the penguin, and he basically forgave her. Adam is supposedly not dating anyone, and Scheana is dating other people. Damn Scheana, how do I get me one of those arrangements? And Adam has since gone down on her! Thank god. Nobody wants dry-ass sex, gentlemen.
So we revisit Jax treating Brittany’s family like sh*t. Apparently Britany yelled at Jax about it, and Jax actually… acknowledges his behavior was out of line??
Lol Jax pretends not to remember saying that he bought Brittany’s brother a baby. After the amnesia excuse doesn’t fly, Jax goes to the next tool in his manipulation playbook: “Well, I don’t have a family.” Another lie! The way this plays out with Andy not taking Jax’s sh*t is poetic.
Jax: Well, I don’t have a mom and dad.
Andy: No, you do have a mom.
Then Andy asks if Jax’s mom is invited to the wedding. At this time, it’s still up in the air. Bleak. So, finally, we get to the crux of the issue: Jax and Brittany were already planning to see Jax’s dad before he passed away. That’s got to be extremely hard. Jax breaks down crying, because she’s upset that his mom didn’t tell him to get on a plane to see his dad to say goodbye. Now everyone is crying. Ugh, great, now I’m crying. Except James is texting. Holy sh*t, what a monster. Stassi tries to tell him to have some respect, basically, and James tells her to shut the f*ck up.
Even Andy tells James he’s being wrong and nasty to Brittany, when even when Jax has trashed Raquel, she has never said a bad word about Raquel. I’m going to need to roll the puppy party tapes to verify if that’s true, but the sentiment there is more or less accurate. For the most part, Brittany does not partake in trash talking other people (who aren’t James).
At this point, everyone is tired. They’re over it. And even Lisa tells James that if he doesn’t shape the f*ck up, he’s going to lose any support he had. I agree that he’s really leaning into this cartoon villain persona he’s created for himself. That’s going to make redemption with the cast damn near impossible.
On that note, Andy asks James what’s in store for him. He says he’s working on his DJing. Lol. Selling out more restaurants?
Andy asks Schwartz how he felt about everyone not agreeing with Katie, and Schwartz basically tells the haters to suck his classic d*ck. I’ll pass, but thanks.
We end the season with Mamaw’s beer cheese (if that ever comes to fruition or a store near me, I will chop off my own foot and eat it) and Peter coming in with blow job shots. Seems weirdly fitting.
And that’s it for this season! We had some highs, a lot of lows, even more finger-pointing, and plenty of hypocrisy. I’m calling it now that Stassi and Beau will get engaged this summer during filming, and it will be the subject of VPR season 9. Mark my words!
Hi all! I’m back for my second and final Vanderpump Rules recap, as you’ll be back to your regularly scheduled programming upon Sgt. Olivia Betchson’s return next week. I’ll be sad because I will technically no longer receive the early screeners, but I’ll be happy because I was able to memorize the passwords to get me into the site. JK, NBC!! This brain is like a sieve for passwords. Please still let Betches watch your show early!
As a reminder, last week James’s mom begged Lisa for his job back, Lala and Brittany got their butts all pretty, and Stassi and Ariana had a joint cold themed birthday party which ended in a Stassi meltdown. Will she be forced to use her shattered iPhone for a year and a half like the rest of us peasants? Let’s find out!
We open on the morning after the party. Everyone looks like they’re in their late 30’s and were binge-drinking until the wee hours of the night. Oh wait…
The girls are recounting what happened last night. Apparently after Stassi smashed her phone, she came out screaming at Beau, and he proceeded to cry and say he wasn’t her punching bag. Ruh roh.
Stassi and Beau meet up outside and it appears that neither one has stopped crying since we ended last week’s episode. Can we get some tissues over here?
Beau: You dick-punched my heart
Stassi is feeling a lot of regret over her drunken actions and is worried Beau is going to dump her. Girl, I know this feeling. In fact, It’s Britney, Betch and I call it “I hate me,” and we often gchat it to each other after we’ve vomited into a garbage can at work.
Beau is very forgiving and sweet and I’m wondering if Stassi can please lead me to the factory in heaven where she found him so I can pick one up for myself. I will request that mine wear pants.
If there’s one person that is feeling good in the morning it’s James, because he’s temporarily, once again, replaced his alcohol addiction with an ice cream addiction. Better be careful with that rocky road James, I wouldn’t want anyone to tell you to lose some f*cking weight.
James’s ice cream friend: How did sobriety work out for you?
Literally this exact scene played out two years ago and we know how that ended up. Maybe he needs a better flavor of ice cream? Perhaps hit up a Ben & Jerry’s instead? They put potato chips in ice cream! It’s bonkers, it makes no sense, and it is DIVINE.
Ice Cream Man and James have a lovely conversation, discussing what he likes about himself when he’s sober and why he shouldn’t take that next drink. Then it immediately cuts to the interview session where James is sitting next to a cocktail. Should this come with a spoiler alert?
Over at SUR, Lisa has called a staff meeting so they can all gossip about James. It seems like the managers are all on James’s side and are mad that he got fired since Tuesday nights were good for business. WOW. Honestly I am so freaking mad right now. This is why women don’t say anything about harassment in the workplace! Because to some people, money is more important than the fact that a co-worker just kissed my head when I explicitly pulled away and said I was sick. I’m just saying HYPOTHETICALLY, of course.
Brittany is me right now. This is bullsh*t. I’m sorry Lisa, but by scolding Brittany you are making yourself look bad right now. NOW SCHEANA IS TELLING BRITTANY NOT TO WORK WHEN JAMES IS THERE. GUYS. I’ve had enough. I think 2019 is the year I go off the grid. I’m not talking like, “moving to a shack on the beach in Hawaii and becoming one with mother nature and not getting the internet” kind of off the grid. I mean like, “moving to Mars” off the grid. F*ck this planet.
Then, of course, Jax has to ruin the point Brittany is making by asking how many times James has been fired. Jax, you hypocritical little kleptomaniac with a nose job addiction, please shut up.
Now Billie Lee says that it’s all Kristen’s fault that James blows up and ruins his life. Exsqueeze me? Look, I have a Kristen Doute voodoo doll in my purse and even I don’t think it’s her fault James drinks to the point of blacking out and unleashes his rage on the closest female present. No one else is responsible for his actions!! These people are like 40 f*cking years old, how do they not know this yet? Does your brain stop learning once you’ve starred on a reality TV show? Can we get a study going?
This meeting is clearly a clusterf*ck. Lisa, next time you fire someone maybe just stand strong in your decision and not let your bartenders have an opinion on it?
Over at Stassi’s apartment, she is about to Skype with her publisher and she’s wondering if she looks literary-chic. Hold the phone, STASSI IS GETTING A BOOK?! Brb while I cry about my life and the hundreds of thousands of dollars wasted on my degrees and my zero book deals to show for it. Turns out I could have just bullied my friends on TV for years instead.
Okay I’ve returned, but my face does look concerningly like everyone’s post-birthday party face. FYI Stassi you don’t need to worry about looking “literary-chic” for your Skype date. As someone who worked at a major publishing house for many years, I can assure you that 90% of the people there are wearing a sweater they knitted of their cat. Here’s a big secret, don’t tell: It ain’t like anything like Younger. Oh wait. It turns out I know her publicist! I can assure you that she actually does dress nicely and is super sweet so I take it all back. She doesn’t even have any cats. Hi Meagan!
Stassi is stressed about getting her book done because she “has so much to do.” Her excuse is that Kristen’s mom is in town. TBH the same thing happens to me with writing these articles except I’m too busy because I have so many more episodes of Criminal Minds to watch. What? It won’t be on Netflix forever!
Over to Lisa and Ken at SUR. They’re talking about how they’re hosting a Daily Mail party at Tom Tom. Schwartz and Sandoval are there “auditioning” cocktails for the party. I’d legit give my left arm to have someone audition cocktails for me. It’s useless anyway, and I never know what to do with it in pictures.
Okay one of these drinks literally has balls of mozzarella cheese on top. Well HELLO BOYS, are you reading my mind?! One simple note: when you bring me this drink, turn those mozzarella balls into mozzarella sticks and your fancy drink into marinara sauce and We. Are. In. Business.
Stassi, Katie, and Brittany are headed to this place called Rage Ground where you can break a ton of sh*t and no one will file a police report against you. SIGN ME UP. Do these exist in New Jersey? Because I have to say, I think we might be group of people that would get a lot of use out of something like this.
OHHH SMASHING PLATES OVER THEIR RENT. I can get on board with that. Although I’d need about 400 more plates and I’d like my landlord to lay on the ground. But sadly I can’t afford to go to Rage Ground since my rent is so high.
Oh JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL. Scheana is on a date with Robby from The Bachelor. I’m glad they told me that it was him, though, because I honestly thought Adam just got botox in between episodes. I swear, Robby and Adam are like if your mom got you a Ken Doll for Christmas and your aunt got you the same thing and then you took them out of the boxes and laid them next to each other and gave one a set of veneers with your leftover chiclets. And it totally works out because the real life versions are also not anatomically correct.
Oh what do you know, Robby is friends with Adam. And the tangled web these famewhores weave gets even more tangled.
Stassi calls Robby a “cheesy douche” and I’ve never felt more understood. Also, that phrase could describe about 99% of the dudes on The Bachelor. Except you, Sean Lowe, my beloved! I would never say that about you. Call me?
Ugh this whole date is uncomfortable and honestly it feels like a Bachelor date. They did something ridiculous that no one would do in real life, then sat down and talked about their feelings and before anyone said anything real, Robby went in for the kiss. It’s like if Robby is on a reality show and doesn’t go on a contrived date, his spray tan will rebel against him and evaporate.
But seriously, is this her audition tape for next season?
It’s unloading day at Tom Tom, and Nick Alain is there to decorate the space. I can’t wait to see it! The Toms show up even though they were told not to. How many precious, irreplaceable, one-of-a kind clocks do we think Schwartzie can destroy in a single accidental touch?
Later that day Kristen is having a relaunch for her T-shirt line. Guys, I’m no Anna Wintour, but this T-shirt line is objectively terrible, am I right? Like, I distinctly recall making iron-on T-shirts in high school that were more innovative than this. Doute, stick to what you’re good at. Digging up dirt on your ex-boyfriends, ruining their lives, and grinning maniacally in the corner while it all goes down.
We flashback to Ariana and Lala talking about James. Lala wants to try and connect with him. TBH I can’t really pay attention to them because I’m trying to figure out where they are and why there is a white board behind Lala that appears to have a drawing of a superhero potato? And it also has the words “NECK: prevent sagging”. An important goal. But, is this something you really need to whiteboard? I would certainly use a whiteboard when I’m hunting serial killers or mapping out the Philly Special, but you don’t really need one figure out how to prevent neck sagging. Or do you??
Lala calls James from the party, and naturally he is suspicious of her intentions. James agrees to meet up even though he she won’t tell him what it’s about. I can tell you what it’s not about, though. It’s not about the pasta!
Beau shows up at the party, and if I’m not mistaken he is wearing the sweater version of the weird floral dress Stassi was wearing the day after her party? Did they find a pair of curtains they really liked and commission Giselle from Enchanted into making them matching outfits? I see no other explanation.
OH BOY. James is DJing the party at Tom Tom. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Look, I am all for second chances (or in James’s case, third chances or tenth chances or whatever) but give him time to better himself! Make him prove it! He’s done nothing except get ice cream and cry, and as we all know from the wise Lorelai Gilmore, that is the wallowing stage. He needs more time.
At the party, Stassi’s mom is telling Beau “her clock is ticking” and she needs grandchildren. What? Isn’t Stassi’s brother like, eleven? Slow your roll, lady.
Lala and James meet up for iced vanilla lattes and soul searching. James is real with her and tells her that it’s the alcohol and he knows he needs to stop. I do think it was nice of Lala to show James some grace and I hope it helps him get his sh*t together. I won’t hold my breath though, because I don’t want to die.
Katie, Stassi, Kristen, and their moms all go out to dinner together. Dayna, Stassi’s mom, seems v obsessed with Kristen. I’m uncomfortable. Is she already drunk?
At dinner, Stassi’s mom is all over Stassi and is actually putting her face in her hair and smelling her, and TBH if my mom ever did that to me I’d ghost her. Thanks for giving me life and feeding me and answering my calls when I need to know if chicken is too old to eat, but we’re never speaking again, k?
Now Dayna is claiming that her ovaries are being absorbed into her body? Wait. Is that what menopause is? I don’t have a strong grasp on science, but I feel pretty confident saying this is not what happens. Is her doctor really just a woman she found sitting in the corner of the Palm Springs supermarket doing tarot card readings?
Kristen and Stassi are literally attacking each other at this dinner in front of their moms! Dayna leaves the table to go cry and Kristen and Katie’s moms are wishing they had a DeLorean so they could go back and say no to this dinner invitation.
Dayna is sobbing, “I just need her to hold me and tell me that she loves me.” I really appreciate Bravo showing me the cast’s moms this season. It’s all making so much sense. And making me very thankful for my mentally stable non-alcoholic mother.
Stassi is scared that one day that’s going to be her. Why yes it is, Stassi. And one day is today.
And that’s all! Thank you guys for reading, and for those of you that hated me last week, I only cried about it a little!
Images: Giphy (5)
Okay, so Kristen Doute was the token crazy chick on Vanderpump Rules for the first couple of seasons. Now, she’s developed into a mostly stable, somewhat self aware, moderately functioning human being. Thanks a lot, therapy and having a healthy relationship! You’ve taken Krazy Kristen away from us! And now, Kristen has taken a turn for the worse. Don’t get us wrong, it’s not because she’s pulling stunts like attempting to air out her ex-boyfriend for cheating on his new girlfriend in Miami (we’re all in agreement that Tom did cheat, right?) or having a toxic relationship with James Kennedy. Instead, she’s trying to play martyr and seek revenge on toxic individuals in the interest of her friends. She may think she’s being a good friend, but inserting herself into others’ lives is actually pretty lame. If I have to hear her say “My Brittany”one more time, I’m going to die. So, I decided to find Kristen Doute some fun hobbies, because endlessly trying to get revenge on guys like Jax and James is just making her look sad and desperate.
It seems like Kristen thinks that sabotaging f*ckboys like Jax Taylor and James Kennedy by giving them the punishment they deserve is, like, a form of philanthropy. While I agree that guys like this are a disservice to society and need to be eradicated almost as much as malaria or small pox, it’s a toxic habit to relentlessly try to destroy them. Also, I don’t think flying in side chicks from Miami or parents from Kentucky to shame these guys, or throwing $16 PUMP-TI-NIs in their faces counts as a tax write-off. So why not be a contributing member to society in a more noble way instead? And no, I’m not talking about sh*t like reading books to children in the hospital. I mean, sure Kristen has changed, but I still wouldn’t trust her around children. I’m talking about throwing parties to donate to whatever cause Kristen gives half a f*ck about. Anyone who watched The O.C. knows that these philanthropy parties were all about drinking and drama, which are two of Kristen’s biggest passions. These charity functions Kristen throws would a) be the perfect opportunity for Stassi to use her fake party planning career and b) provide the perfect backdrop for drama without directly orchestrating tired schemes. And if some money is donated to PETA or Planned Parenthood, all the better, because that CAN count as tax write-off!
P.S. Is The Hills remake giving Mischa Barton a job as charity so they can get a tax write-off? So many questions.
Become A Social Media Personality
This job is a no-brainer. No, seriously, this job requires no brain. I just watched The American Meme (credit to me for watching a documentary instead of Stepbrothers for the 50th time), and becoming a social media icon seriously requires less talent than being a reality television star. Kristen already has a following like every other person who is famous on social media, so she doesn’t need to buy as many followers as every other social media personality does. She can just tweet relatable, obvious things in a slightly quirky way, so thousands of girls and fake followers RT it. Or, better yet, she can post pictures of herself doing boomerangs of her clinking champagne glasses with all her friends at an event and then throw up a pic of her chilling with reject boyfriend from The Bachelor franchise while eating Açai bowls in Tulum (you know those things have more sugar than, like, six candy bars, right?) Worked for Helen Owen!
Oh wait, Kristen has done this already. Looks pretty legit, right?
Okay, I know that Kristen started a blog to make it seem like she had something going on after she got fired from SUR, but this is clearly not a blog. And the Vegiholic Instagram page isn’t any better. The last post is a terribly unfunny meme from May 12th, and even before then, she rarely posted pics–there are only 36 of them!
Look, Kristen, it’s really not that hard to be a vegetarian blogger. You just use the impressive work ethic you apply towards taking down your male castmates, and apply it toward making people feel like subhuman scum because they eat bacon. I remember last week, I asked my little sister if she was still vegan, and she responded that she’s “intuitively plant-based” now. I assure you that if you managed to be as insufferable as you were seasons 2 and 3, you can be as bad as my own flesh and blood when she somehow managed to make her dietary preferences sound more holier than thou than “vegan.” I could literally type onto WordPress what I had for dinner tonight (a bottle of $9 pinot grigio and a frozen pizza) and write a blurb about what made me eat it (because I’m lazy and I know I’m going to cry later when I feel too insecure to wear a crop top out at the bars because I’m addicted to self-sabotage) and hit publish, and I’ve got myself a food blog. See? It’s not that hard.
Start An Etsy Shop
All you need to start an Etsy shop are ideas you highjacked from Pinterest and a dream. Well, a dream that was your fallback plan after failing as an actress or singer or whatever. Create some lip balms that are named after various SUR cocktails. Make some festival wear that is totally unoriginal and totally appropriating other cultures. Literally, just walk into Anthropologie or Urban Outfitters, take pics of thing you like, and do knock off versions of what they did. I’m pretty positive that’s how you created your t-shirt line, and I assure you that this will probably be just as time consuming and perhaps even more successful.
Read A F*cking Book
Wanna convince people that you’ve truly changed and are on a path towards enlightenment and personal growth? Read a book. Don’t read the Bible. Paris Hilton killed that charade when she said prison changed her because she read the Bible while locked up, yet she couldn’t name a single book or verse from it. Lala mentioned one time that she read The Alchemist, and she’s probably one of the smartest people on the show. Case in point:
So clearly the bar is set pretty low to be the Einstein of the group. I saw on Instagram that Alexis Ren read The Four Agreements and I immediately respected her for it, even though she made a career off of having good-looking sex with Jay Alvarrez and fake laughing for pictures. Or read The Untethered Soul. I saw that my SoulCycle instructor posted that on his Instagram stories, and while I initially wrote him off because he’s, like, 40 and wears a thumb ring and takes shirtless mirror selfies, I totally respected him after seeing he read that book. Well, kind of respected him because did I mention he’s 40 years old, wears a thumb ring, and takes shirtless mirror selfies? Basically Kristen, just read any New Age self-help book and we will all automatically think you’ve got a hobby AND that you’re becoming more self-actualized, whatever that means.
Write A F*cking Book
I would suggest writing a cocktail book, because alcohol is an integral part of her diet, but Ariana would get very upset that Kristen’s doing something she’s done (or failed at doing). #TBT to when Kristen tried comedy for sh*ts and gigs and Ariana got offended because she takes sketch comedy “very seriously.” Let’s not act like Ariana is ever gonna finish that cocktail book. But at the same time, let’s recognize that Kristen thinks drinking an entire bottle of Belvedere or Casamigos is considered a “cocktail” when really, it’s flirting with alcoholism.
So maybe Kristen should get a headstart on writing a tell-all about Pump Rules instead so she can release it once the show gets cancelled, after everyone in that cast becomes boring and stable like the rest of us. You know we’d be all over that juicy gossip!
Start A Podcast
You’re sort of an actress with a lackluster IMDb page, and a second-fiddle reality star living in L.A., so it’s weird that you haven’t started one already! You might not have Stassi’s level of success, but it can’t possibly be worse than Scheana’s podcast.
Do The Marie Kondo Method
I’m not saying this because it’s all the rage right now, I’m saying this because this chick needs to get rid of all that “Live, Laugh, Love” crap in her house. It’s tacky and embarrassing, and I say this as someone who owns a giant pillow in the shape of a Xanax bar and a cross-stitched sign on my bathroom door that says “Please refrain from doing cocaine in the bathroom.”
Sidenote: One time I was at a party with Marie Kondo and I avoided her the entire time. She doesn’t speak English, but I just knew deep down that she would find a way to tell me to get rid of my Kris Jenner shower curtain and Xanax pillow. The only celebrity closet organizer I will ever listen to is Kim Kardashian. Sorry not sorry.
So Kristen Doute, in this new year, take some time for yourself, and please get a hobby. The Bravo producers might not be happy about it, but it has to happen.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (3); @helenowen / Instagram; Vegiholic; Us Weekly; @kristendoute / Instagram
GOOOOD MORNING LOS ANGELES!!! It is finally, FINALLY, Vanderpump Rules season 7 episode 1! It’s been a long off-season, filled with social media fights, TWO engagements, and even some pregnancy rumors. God, I love these trash bags. Judging off the premiere, I expect this season to be fully insane. No CouchPillowGate—like real, actual drama. Or at least, we better *clutches knife*. Just kidding, it’s all love here! (No it’s not.) On the real, this season of recapping is going to be a little bit difficult, given that I have met many of the SURvers, and now I know some of them read Betches!
This made me borderline weepy!!!!! @iambeau ❤ https://t.co/OVRYmAwL7l
— Stassi Schroeder (@stassi) November 30, 2018
But don’t you worry, loyal fans, I will strive my hardest to keep this recap as savage as I always have. So without further preamble, because this isn’t the f*cking US Constitution, let’s begin. The moment you’ve all been waiting for… the Vanderpump Rules season 7 episode 1 recap.
It’s SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY BITCH WITH JAMES F*CKIN KENNEDY, and this could not be a better way to start the season. Honestly, I love James. Say what you want about him (and I know the cast will this season), he’s f*cking hilarious.
At Jax and Brittany’s apartment, we see Jax making Brittany a sandwich. Wow, we did it guys! Jax has changed! Gender equality has been achieved! He’s really turned over a new leaf after laying some deli meat on bread.
So during the off-season, Jax quit SUR and didn’t take the Florida hockey job
because it was never real because he didn’t want to lose Brittany. And tbh it’s kind of sad that Brittany points to Jax buying her tampons as a sign that she’s changed. Like, if I’m letting you hit it on the regular and you can’t pick up a cardboard box that happens to be filled with cotton tied to a string for me, I don’t want ya. Why do I feel like Jax is one of those guys who wants his girl to do anal during her period?
Too far? I’m just getting started.
James Kennedy, in true James Kennedy fashion, has a lyric in one of his songs about how Jax f*cks faith. This is, in a nutshell, why I love DJJK.
James: This is my art, do you think Kanye apologizes for saying ‘you can be my next Kate Moss tonight’?
^I paraphrase because James got the lyric wrong. But LOL that James thinks playing some music at his restaurant is “art”.
Lisa rolls up to SUR with a brand-new set of veneers that are too much, for the record, and Ken.
Ok now I feel kind of bad saying that because Lisa’s brother just committed suicide and Lala’s dad died in an accident. This is dark; no jokes at this time.
Scheana talks about her breakup with Rob, in what better f*cking be the first and last time this season, so help me God. Just in case Rob didn’t suck enough already, we learn he dumped Scheana by inviting her over, MAKING HER WAIT WHILE HE PICKED HIS FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM, and then dumping her. Scheana, you deserve better, sis. I know he can hang a TV in under 7 minutes, but come on. He ain’t sh*t.
Jax rolls up to SUR
in yet another coke-fueled rage to go beat up James. At his place of employment. Seems misguided. James notices Jax and literally looks like he’s seen the Devil himself. I mean like… James should have seen this coming. Talk sh*t, get hit. James is like “I apologized to Brittany, I said I was sorry!”
Jax: Apologies don’t work.
Jax would say that. So an apology only works when Jax does it? Okay. Watching Jax and James argue and call each other bad people for doing the exact same shit they each do all the f*cking time is literally this:
James explaining what happened to Lisa: I was freestyling creatively when I just so happened to bring up how Jax slept with Faith
I mean… where is the lie, though??
Lisa Vanderpump: We can all rap. You’re a piece of sh*t, I gave you a pass, now Jax Taylor’s gonna come and kick your ass
YOOOOO LISA GOT BARS!!!!
Stassi and Beau (hi Beau!) show up to some restaurant or whatever with Schwartz. Once again, Patrick was trash, dumping Stassi on their four-year anniversary. STASSI STOP CRYING WHEN TALKING ABOUT BEAU, NOW I’M CRYING.
Schwartz has not changed, ordering a “half-shot” from the waiter. I’m pretty sure they don’t do that, fam.
Schwartz: You can either do three full shots, or six half-shots. It’s twice the glory and half the alcohol.
Wait, have I solved Schwartz’s alcohol problem? Is it just that he can’t do math? Maybe he doesn’t need rehab after all, just a math tutor??!?
Back at the restaurant, Jax legit goes from “yea James sucks” to “btw I’m proposing to Brittany on Thursday.” I didn’t even editorialize that at all, that’s exactly what he said. Also can we discuss how weird it is that Jax just told his ex-girlfriend that he is proposing to his current girlfriend? We’ve really come full circle with this group.
Katie, Lala and Kristen show up to some piercing place to all get their ears pierced, like this is f*cking summer camp in The Parent Trap. Lala is legit wearing a bra as a shirt, and I respect it.
Apparently when Randall, Lala, and James were at Coachella James said “c’mon we all know each other inside and out, you know what I mean?” Lol was this at Kygo? Because if so, I was there. Actually wait no, I would have remembered meeting Randall. NVM. And for some reason, *this* is the straw that broke the camel’s back with Lala and James’ friendship. I mean, I get that the comment was inappropriate, but also, unless Lala neglected to tell Randall that she and James hooked up, all he did was tell the truth… so… IDK.
The tides have really turned against James, he’s a total outcast this season. This is going to be interesting. I’m also glad that Kristen has gone full Crazy Kristen. She calls herself the “motherf*cking karma police,” and Kristen, that’s not how karma works. What you’re doing is not karma, it’s just revenge.
Ken, Lisa, and the Toms go to Villa Blanca (at least I think it is, judging by the all-white decor), to talk about TomTom. SURPRISE, the Toms have been MIA and Lisa needs their help. Legit, all this woman needs is a f*cking cocktail list and y’all can’t even do that?
Sandoval: We’ve been working for hours every week just on cocktails.
Ok and???? Where are they?? Call me a snob, but I don’t feel like it should take that long.
Lol so now Sandoval and Schwartz are mad that Pandora went ahead and made a cocktail list when y’all asses were procrastinating? This is legitimately every man who goes “but I was just about to take the trash out!” after you take the trash out because you’ve been asking him to do it for days while he sits on his ass playing video games.
Sandoval: I didn’t realize Pandora is a mixologist now.
And the fact that Sandoval calls himself a “mixologist” in earnest is why I will never take him seriously as a human.
Stassi and Brittany are at the dog park, and LOL I love that Beau’s dog is named Refund. Why??? Beau, please answer me.
Actual footage of Stassi trying not to tell Brittany that she’s about to get engaged:
I love that Sandoval can’t even talk about Jax and Brittany getting engaged without mentioning that he is salty that he and Ariana aren’t engaged yet. IT’S BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T WANT IT! Like I don’t even know the girl and I know that. Jesus Christ, what is wrong with you?
While Jax and Brittany were broken up, she hooked up with her ex. All I have to say on the matter is: ok, sis!!
Jax and Brittany are getting ready for dinner or wherever Jax is proposing, and he can’t fit the ring in his pocket so he…. stuffs it down his pants. Why not wear baggier pants?? Also give the producer who told Brittany to wear white an Emmy.
Stassi and Kristen are at Katie and Schwartz’s. F*ckin psychic Kristen has predicted that Jax is proposing tonight.
Stassi trying not to spill the beans:
Wait a second, Jax is taking Brittany to like, Joe’s Crab Shack to propose? And they say romance is dead. Back at Katie and Schwartz’s:
Stassi: You guys are very intuitive.
Kristen: Yeah I know right, because he texted me—
Stassi: Do you know what I said?? I said you’re VERY INTUIVIVE. Get it??
Kristen: Right because I texted him—
Stassi: JAX IS PROPOSING!!!
Lol. I think Kristen just doesn’t know what “intuitive” means.
Back at f*ckin Arthur Treacher’s, Jax is all over the damn place. He literally does not know which way is up and sticks his head in the service window to be like “give me a tray.”
He comes back without the crab, but with the ring on a f*cking pLASTIC TRAY. I am beside myself.
Everyone else at these PICNIC TABLES is like “wtf is going on” probably because NOBODY PROPOSES AT THIS RESTAURANT!!! Sorry, not over it, will never be over it.
Brittany is legit crying and kissing him, and pretty much the episode ends by Brittany wailing “I’m engaaaayeged!” Is this the new “rawt in hail”? I think so. And that’s it for this week! Can’t wait for the rest of the season, where everybody gangs up on James.
Images: Know Your Meme (2); Giphy (3); Stassi Shroeder / Twitter
It is a very happy Halloween indeed, because the Vanderpump Rules season 7 trailer has been released. I mean truthfully, I would have much preferred Bravo had done this on a day I wasn’t in a sugar coma from eating 6 Reese’s cups, but I will prevail through the faint nausea and headache to bring you this article. Thank you in advance for your support during this trying time. In any case, if we are to believe the Vanderpump Rules season 7 trailer, the upcoming season is going to be lit. Yes, I am still saying lit. Get over it.
The Vanderpump Rules season 7 trailer opens at Jax and Brittany’s engagement party, and I’m relieved that even Lisa Vanderpump admits she never thought this day would come. This seemingly happy event is punctuated with soundbites of all the couples in relationships getting into fights. A few notable moments are Sandoval seeming to out Ariana for having had a relationship with another woman (I told you all he was trash, and you didn’t believe me), and Scheana singing “Good as Gold”. Good lord, I thought we left that song in season two where it belonged? We do know Scheana is releasing new music, so we may also have our ears assaulted by 44 never-before-heard donkey kicks. Can’t wait.
There’s a whole lot more in the Vanderpump Rules season 7 trailer, but I don’t want to spoil it because you should all go watch it. I’m going to be real with you all when I think season 6 was a little lackluster—all I did for 20 or so weeks was rehash the same drama over and over. Jax is a cheater, Scheana is delusional, Schwartz needs to grow up, etc. etc. It got old. I’m hoping with this new season, things will ramp up. The stakes are higher—everyone’s in relationships and everyone’s getting engaged. There’s more on the line, and more to lose. At least that’s what I’m predicting. We will have to see if I’m right on December 3rd, which is when season 7 premieres. And before you have to ask, of course I will be writing the recaps. See you there, betches!