‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Stassi’s Mom Has A Lot Going On

Hi all! I’m back for my second and final Vanderpump Rules recap, as you’ll be back to your regularly scheduled programming upon Sgt. Olivia Betchson’s return next week. I’ll be sad because I will technically no longer receive the early screeners, but I’ll be happy because I was able to memorize the passwords to get me into the site. JK, NBC!! This brain is like a sieve for passwords. Please still let Betches watch your show early!

As a reminder, last week James’s mom begged Lisa for his job back, Lala and Brittany got their butts all pretty, and Stassi and Ariana had a joint cold themed birthday party which ended in a Stassi meltdown. Will she be forced to use her shattered iPhone for a year and a half like the rest of us peasants? Let’s find out!

We open on the morning after the party. Everyone looks like they’re in their late 30’s and were binge-drinking until the wee hours of the night. Oh wait…

The girls are recounting what happened last night. Apparently after Stassi smashed her phone, she came out screaming at Beau, and he proceeded to cry and say he wasn’t her punching bag. Ruh roh.

Stassi and Beau meet up outside and it appears that neither one has stopped crying since we ended last week’s episode. Can we get some tissues over here?

Beau: You dick-punched my heart
Me:

Stassi is feeling a lot of regret over her drunken actions and is worried Beau is going to dump her. Girl, I know this feeling. In fact, It’s Britney, Betch and I call it “I hate me,” and we often gchat it to each other after we’ve vomited into a garbage can at work.

Beau is very forgiving and sweet and I’m wondering if Stassi can please lead me to the factory in heaven where she found him so I can pick one up for myself. I will request that mine wear pants.

If there’s one person that is feeling good in the morning it’s James, because he’s temporarily, once again, replaced his alcohol addiction with an ice cream addiction. Better be careful with that rocky road James, I wouldn’t want anyone to tell you to lose some f*cking weight.

James’s ice cream friend: How did sobriety work out for you?
James: 

Literally this exact scene played out two years ago and we know how that ended up. Maybe he needs a better flavor of ice cream? Perhaps hit up a Ben & Jerry’s instead? They put potato chips in ice cream! It’s bonkers, it makes no sense, and it is DIVINE.

Ice Cream Man and James have a lovely conversation, discussing what he likes about himself when he’s sober and why he shouldn’t take that next drink. Then it immediately cuts to the interview session where James is sitting next to a cocktail. Should this come with a spoiler alert?

Over at SUR, Lisa has called a staff meeting so they can all gossip about James. It seems like the managers are all on James’s side and are mad that he got fired since Tuesday nights were good for business. WOW. Honestly I am so freaking mad right now. This is why women don’t say anything about harassment in the workplace! Because to some people, money is more important than the fact that a co-worker just kissed my head when I explicitly pulled away and said I was sick. I’m just saying HYPOTHETICALLY, of course.

Brittany is me right now. This is bullsh*t. I’m sorry Lisa, but by scolding Brittany you are making yourself look bad right now. NOW SCHEANA IS TELLING BRITTANY NOT TO WORK WHEN JAMES IS THERE. GUYS. I’ve had enough. I think 2019 is the year I go off the grid. I’m not talking like, “moving to a shack on the beach in Hawaii and becoming one with mother nature and not getting the internet” kind of off the grid. I mean like, “moving to Mars” off the grid. F*ck this planet.

Then, of course, Jax has to ruin the point Brittany is making by asking how many times James has been fired. Jax, you hypocritical little kleptomaniac with a nose job addiction, please shut up.

Now Billie Lee says that it’s all Kristen’s fault that James blows up and ruins his life. Exsqueeze me? Look, I have a Kristen Doute voodoo doll in my purse and even I don’t think it’s her fault James drinks to the point of blacking out and unleashes his rage on the closest female present. No one else is responsible for his actions!! These people are like 40 f*cking years old, how do they not know this yet? Does your brain stop learning once you’ve starred on a reality TV show? Can we get a study going?

This meeting is clearly a clusterf*ck. Lisa, next time you fire someone maybe just stand strong in your decision and not let your bartenders have an opinion on it?

Over at Stassi’s apartment, she is about to Skype with her publisher and she’s wondering if she looks literary-chic. Hold the phone, STASSI IS GETTING A BOOK?! Brb while I cry about my life and the hundreds of thousands of dollars wasted on my degrees and my zero book deals to show for it. Turns out I could have just bullied my friends on TV for years instead.

Okay I’ve returned, but my face does look concerningly like everyone’s post-birthday party face. FYI Stassi you don’t need to worry about looking “literary-chic” for your Skype date. As someone who worked at a major publishing house for many years, I can assure you that 90% of the people there are wearing a sweater they knitted of their cat. Here’s a big secret, don’t tell: It ain’t like anything like Younger. Oh wait. It turns out I know her publicist! I can assure you that she actually does dress nicely and is super sweet so I take it all back. She doesn’t even have any cats. Hi Meagan!

Stassi is stressed about getting her book done because she “has so much to do.” Her excuse is that Kristen’s mom is in town. TBH the same thing happens to me with writing these articles except I’m too busy because I have so many more episodes of Criminal Minds to watch. What? It won’t be on Netflix forever!  

Over to Lisa and Ken at SUR. They’re talking about how they’re hosting a Daily Mail party at Tom Tom. Schwartz and Sandoval are there “auditioning” cocktails for the party. I’d legit give my left arm to have someone audition cocktails for me. It’s useless anyway, and I never know what to do with it in pictures.

Okay one of these drinks literally has balls of mozzarella cheese on top. Well HELLO BOYS, are you reading my mind?! One simple note: when you bring me this drink, turn those mozzarella balls into mozzarella sticks and your fancy drink into marinara sauce and We. Are. In. Business.

Stassi, Katie, and Brittany are headed to this place called Rage Ground where you can break a ton of sh*t and no one will file a police report against you. SIGN ME UP. Do these exist in New Jersey? Because I have to say, I think we might be group of people that would get a lot of use out of something like this.

OHHH SMASHING PLATES OVER THEIR RENT. I can get on board with that. Although I’d need about 400 more plates and I’d like my landlord to lay on the ground. But sadly I can’t afford to go to Rage Ground since my rent is so high.

Oh JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL. Scheana is on a date with Robby from The Bachelor. I’m glad they told me that it was him, though, because I honestly thought Adam just got botox in between episodes. I swear, Robby and Adam are like if your mom got you a Ken Doll for Christmas and your aunt got you the same thing and then you took them out of the boxes and laid them next to each other and gave one a set of veneers with your leftover chiclets. And it totally works out because the real life versions are also not anatomically correct.

Oh what do you know, Robby is friends with Adam. And the tangled web these famewhores weave gets even more tangled.

Stassi calls Robby a “cheesy douche” and I’ve never felt more understood. Also, that phrase could describe about 99% of the dudes on The Bachelor. Except you, Sean Lowe, my beloved! I would never say that about you. Call me?

Ugh this whole date is uncomfortable and honestly it feels like a Bachelor date. They did something ridiculous that no one would do in real life, then sat down and talked about their feelings and before anyone said anything real, Robby went in for the kiss. It’s like if Robby is on a reality show and doesn’t go on a contrived date, his spray tan will rebel against him and evaporate.

Scheana rn:

But seriously, is this her audition tape for next season?

It’s unloading day at Tom Tom, and Nick Alain is there to decorate the space. I can’t wait to see it! The Toms show up even though they were told not to. How many precious, irreplaceable, one-of-a kind clocks do we think Schwartzie can destroy in a single accidental touch?

Later that day Kristen is having a relaunch for her T-shirt line. Guys, I’m no Anna Wintour, but this T-shirt line is objectively terrible, am I right? Like, I distinctly recall making iron-on T-shirts in high school that were more innovative than this. Doute, stick to what you’re good at. Digging up dirt on your ex-boyfriends, ruining their lives, and grinning maniacally in the corner while it all goes down.

We flashback to Ariana and Lala talking about James. Lala wants to try and connect with him. TBH I can’t really pay attention to them because I’m trying to figure out where they are and why there is a white board behind Lala that appears to have a drawing of a superhero potato? And it also has the words “NECK: prevent sagging”. An important goal. But, is this something you really need to whiteboard? I would certainly use a whiteboard when I’m hunting serial killers or mapping out the Philly Special, but you don’t really need one figure out how to prevent neck sagging. Or do you??

Lala calls James from the party, and naturally he is suspicious of her intentions. James agrees to meet up even though he she won’t tell him what it’s about. I can tell you what it’s not about, though. It’s not about the pasta!

Beau shows up at the party, and if I’m not mistaken he is wearing the sweater version of the weird floral dress Stassi was wearing the day after her party? Did they find a pair of curtains they really liked and commission Giselle from Enchanted into making them matching outfits? I see no other explanation.

OH BOY. James is DJing the party at Tom Tom. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Look, I am all for second chances (or in James’s case, third chances or tenth chances or whatever) but give him time to better himself! Make him prove it! He’s done nothing except get ice cream and cry, and as we all know from the wise Lorelai Gilmore, that is the wallowing stage. He needs more time.

At the party, Stassi’s mom is telling Beau “her clock is ticking” and she needs grandchildren. What? Isn’t Stassi’s brother like, eleven? Slow your roll, lady.

Lala and James meet up for iced vanilla lattes and soul searching. James is real with her and tells her that it’s the alcohol and he knows he needs to stop. I do think it was nice of Lala to show James some grace and I hope it helps him get his sh*t together. I won’t hold my breath though, because I don’t want to die.

Katie, Stassi, Kristen, and their moms all go out to dinner together. Dayna, Stassi’s mom, seems v obsessed with Kristen. I’m uncomfortable. Is she already drunk?

At dinner, Stassi’s mom is all over Stassi and is actually putting her face in her hair and smelling her, and TBH if my mom ever did that to me I’d ghost her. Thanks for giving me life and feeding me and answering my calls when I need to know if chicken is too old to eat, but we’re never speaking again, k?

Now Dayna is claiming that her ovaries are being absorbed into her body? Wait. Is that what menopause is? I don’t have a strong grasp on science, but I feel pretty confident saying this is not what happens. Is her doctor really just a woman she found sitting in the corner of the Palm Springs supermarket doing tarot card readings?

Kristen and Stassi are literally attacking each other at this dinner in front of their moms! Dayna leaves the table to go cry and Kristen and Katie’s moms are wishing they had a DeLorean so they could go back and say no to this dinner invitation.

Dayna is sobbing, “I just need her to hold me and tell me that she loves me.” I really appreciate Bravo showing me the cast’s moms this season. It’s all making so much sense. And making me very thankful for my mentally stable non-alcoholic mother.

Stassi is scared that one day that’s going to be her. Why yes it is, Stassi. And one day is today.

And that’s all! Thank you guys for reading, and for those of you that hated me last week, I only cried about it a little!

Images: Giphy (5)

We Made A List Of Hobbies Kristen Doute Should Pursue

Okay, so Kristen Doute was the token crazy chick on Vanderpump Rules for the first couple of seasons. Now, she’s developed into a mostly stable, somewhat self aware, moderately functioning human being. Thanks a lot, therapy and having a healthy relationship! You’ve taken Krazy Kristen away from us! And now, Kristen has taken a turn for the worse. Don’t get us wrong, it’s not because she’s pulling stunts like attempting to air out her ex-boyfriend for cheating on his new girlfriend in Miami (we’re all in agreement that Tom did cheat, right?) or having a toxic relationship with James Kennedy. Instead, she’s trying to play martyr and seek revenge on toxic individuals in the interest of her friends. She may think she’s being a good friend, but  inserting herself into others’ lives is actually pretty lame. If I have to hear her say “My Brittany”one more time, I’m going to die. So, I decided to find Kristen Doute some fun hobbies, because endlessly trying to get revenge on guys like Jax and James is just making her look sad and desperate.

Philanthropy

It seems like Kristen thinks that sabotaging f*ckboys like Jax Taylor and James Kennedy by giving them the punishment they deserve is, like, a form of philanthropy. While I agree that guys like this are a disservice to society and need to be eradicated almost as much as malaria or small pox, it’s a toxic habit to relentlessly try to destroy them. Also, I don’t think flying in side chicks from Miami or parents from Kentucky to shame these guys, or throwing $16 PUMP-TI-NIs in their faces counts as a tax write-off. So why not be a contributing member to society in a more noble way instead? And no, I’m not talking about sh*t like reading books to children in the hospital. I mean, sure Kristen has changed, but I still wouldn’t trust her around children. I’m talking about throwing parties to donate to whatever cause Kristen gives half a f*ck about. Anyone who watched The O.C. knows that these philanthropy parties were all about drinking and drama, which are two of Kristen’s biggest passions. These charity functions Kristen throws would a) be the perfect opportunity for Stassi to use her fake party planning career and b) provide the perfect backdrop for drama without directly orchestrating tired schemes. And if some money is donated to PETA or Planned Parenthood, all the better, because that CAN count as tax write-off!

P.S. Is The Hills remake giving Mischa Barton a job as charity so they can get a tax write-off? So many questions.

Become A Social Media Personality

This job is a no-brainer. No, seriously, this job requires no brain. I just watched The American Meme (credit to me for watching a documentary instead of Stepbrothers for the 50th time), and becoming a social media icon seriously requires less talent than being a reality television star. Kristen already has a following like every other person who is famous on social media, so she doesn’t need to buy as many followers as every other social media personality does. She can just tweet relatable, obvious things in a slightly quirky way, so thousands of girls and fake followers RT it. Or, better yet, she can post pictures of herself doing boomerangs of her clinking champagne glasses with all her friends at an event and then throw up a pic of her chilling with reject boyfriend from The Bachelor  franchise while eating Açai bowls in Tulum (you know those things have more sugar than, like, six candy bars, right?) Worked for Helen Owen!

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Greek salad, fruit plate, repeat. ???????????? @cavotagoomykonos

A post shared by Helen Owen (@helenowen) on

Blogging!

Oh wait, Kristen has done this already. Looks pretty legit, right?

Okay, I know that Kristen started a blog to make it seem like she had something going on after she got fired from SUR, but this is clearly not a blog. And the Vegiholic Instagram page isn’t any better. The last post is a terribly unfunny meme from May 12th, and even before then, she rarely posted pics–there are only 36 of them!

Look, Kristen, it’s really not that hard to be a vegetarian blogger. You just use the impressive work ethic you apply towards taking down your male castmates, and apply it toward making people feel like subhuman scum because they eat bacon. I remember last week, I asked my little sister if she was still vegan, and she responded that she’s “intuitively plant-based” now. I assure you that if you managed to be as insufferable as you were seasons 2 and 3, you can be as bad as my own flesh and blood when she somehow managed to make her dietary preferences sound more holier than thou than “vegan.” I could literally type onto WordPress what I had for dinner tonight (a bottle of $9 pinot grigio and a frozen pizza) and write a blurb about what made me eat it (because I’m lazy and I know I’m going to cry later when I feel too insecure to wear a crop top out at the bars because I’m addicted to self-sabotage) and hit publish, and I’ve got myself a food blog. See? It’s not that hard.

Start An Etsy Shop

All you need to start an Etsy shop are ideas you highjacked from Pinterest and a dream. Well, a dream that was your fallback plan after failing as an actress or singer or whatever. Create some lip balms that are named after various SUR cocktails. Make some festival wear that is totally unoriginal and totally appropriating other cultures. Literally, just walk into Anthropologie or Urban Outfitters, take pics of thing you like, and do knock off versions of what they did. I’m pretty positive that’s how you created your t-shirt line, and I assure you that this will probably be just as time consuming and perhaps even more successful.

Read A F*cking Book

Wanna convince people that you’ve truly changed and are on a path towards enlightenment and personal growth? Read a book. Don’t read the Bible. Paris Hilton killed that charade when she said prison changed her because she read the Bible while locked up, yet she couldn’t name a single book or verse from it. Lala mentioned one time that she read The Alchemist, and she’s probably one of the smartest people on the show. Case in point:

So clearly the bar is set pretty low to be the Einstein of the group. I saw on Instagram that Alexis Ren read The Four Agreements and I immediately respected her for it, even though she made a career off of having good-looking sex with Jay Alvarrez and fake laughing for pictures. Or read The Untethered Soul. I saw that my SoulCycle instructor posted that on his Instagram stories, and while I initially wrote him off because he’s, like, 40 and wears a thumb ring and takes shirtless mirror selfies, I totally respected him after seeing he read that book. Well, kind of respected him because did I mention he’s 40 years old, wears a thumb ring, and takes shirtless mirror selfies? Basically Kristen, just read any New Age self-help book and we will all automatically think you’ve got a hobby AND that you’re becoming more self-actualized, whatever that means.

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personal growth. but, like, in 2019. ???? #pumprules

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Write A F*cking Book

I would suggest writing a cocktail book, because alcohol is an integral part of her diet, but Ariana would get very upset that Kristen’s doing something she’s done (or failed at doing). #TBT to when Kristen tried comedy for sh*ts and gigs and Ariana got offended because she takes sketch comedy “very seriously.” Let’s not act like Ariana is ever gonna finish that cocktail book. But at the same time, let’s recognize that Kristen thinks drinking an entire bottle of Belvedere or Casamigos is considered a “cocktail” when really, it’s flirting with alcoholism.

So maybe Kristen should get a headstart on writing a tell-all about Pump Rules instead so she can release it once the show gets cancelled, after everyone in that cast becomes boring and stable like the rest of us. You know we’d be all over that juicy gossip!

Start A Podcast

You’re sort of an actress with a lackluster IMDb page, and a second-fiddle reality star living in L.A., so it’s weird that you haven’t started one already! You might not have Stassi’s level of success, but it can’t possibly be worse than Scheana’s podcast.

Do The Marie Kondo Method

I’m not saying this because it’s all the rage right now, I’m saying this because this chick needs to get rid of all that “Live, Laugh, Love” crap in her house. It’s tacky and embarrassing, and I say this as someone who owns a giant pillow in the shape of a Xanax bar and a cross-stitched sign on my bathroom door that says “Please refrain from doing cocaine in the bathroom.”

Sidenote: One time I was at a party with Marie Kondo and I avoided her the entire time. She doesn’t speak English, but I just knew deep down that she would find a way to tell me to get rid of my Kris Jenner shower curtain and Xanax pillow. The only celebrity closet organizer I will ever listen to is Kim Kardashian. Sorry not sorry.

So Kristen Doute, in this new year, take some time for yourself, and please get a hobby. The Bravo producers might not be happy about it, but it has to happen.

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (3); @helenowen / Instagram; Vegiholic; Us Weekly; @kristendoute / Instagram