‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: There Are Dark Times Ahead

What’s good, witches and warlocks of WeHo? I hope you all enjoyed my think piece on why Vanderpump Rules has stopped being fun, and now, you may witness me continue to watch and report on Vanderpump Rules season 6 episode 16 anyway. What can I say, they don’t pay me the big zero extra dollars for nothing. Lol, fuck. *Reevaluates life, choices, morals*

The episode opens with Stassi and Lala planning to have an intervention on Brittany. I’ve got to point out the irony that Stassi dated Jax for four years. I bet she would have flipped a shit if anyone tried to tell her what to do. Not to be a Sandoval, I’m just saying.

Kristen has had enough alcohol to inebriate a small army, and James is removing bottle caps with his teeth. Somewhere, four out of five dentists are cringing.

James asks Jax what would happen if Brittany doesn’t follow him to Tampa.

Jax: I don’t think that’s gonna happen, I mean, I’ve been putting two years’ worth of groundwork into making sure she thinks she’s nothing without me.

I paraphrase.

Meanwhile, Kristen is falling on the beach Snooki style, and we’re having our yearly mandated skinny dipping session. This show is so predictable I could scream.
Snooki

Brittany: If I’ve learned one thing this girls’ trip, it’s how important these girls are to me.

Yeah, seeing my friends topless really does that for me too.

At the end of the night, Lala makes herself AN ACTUAL BABY BOTTLE to go to sleep. She calls it her “Baba” which is even worse. Is it too low-hanging fruit to make a daddy issues joke? It probably is, but fuck it, we were all thinking it. I also just got wayyyy too detailed a glimpse into Lala and Randall’s relationship, and I am really not okay with it. I did not consent to this deep dive into Lala’s kinks, okay, Bravo? Between the “Baba” (*dies a little bit inside*) and Lala’s sweatshirt that says “daddys” on the back with pictures of Randall and her ACTUAL FATHER on it, it’s all too much for me to handle. Here is the offending sweatshirt, for those of you who don’t follow this crew of waste baskets on social media like it’s your job, because it sort of is your job:

Thank you @carloscantuart for the amazing art you do, on top of sending me this bad ass shirt. Love you, boo

A post shared by Give Them Lala (@lalakent) on

Also, why is NOBODY TALKING ABOUT how Lala’s dad looks like the actual fucking joker in these drawings? If my dad looked like that, I would develop reverse daddy issues and try to only fuck people who look like the physical opposite of my dad. *Thinks back to current body count history* Oh wait, I kinda already do that. Hmm.

Over at Katie and Tom’s, the exact opposite is happening, with Schwartz doing the baby voice and Katie dodging pizza that Schwartz is drunkenly getting everywhere. Katie says “Tom is beyond wasted, but he’s cute,” which just furthers my theory that the only reason Katie and Tom haven’t gotten divorced yet is because Katie has given up on sticking to any of her boundaries. With love, anything is possible.

Stassi comes in to third wheel, as she does, because apparently Kristen is being “difficult,” but none of us really know what that means.

Apparently, as with most fights on this show, this one actually stems from a trip Kristen, Stassi, and Rachael took to Europe a while ago. On the last night in their trip to Copenhagen, Kristen had a breakdown and they left her behind in Copenhagen and went to Paris. I’m sorry, are you kidding  me? You LEFT YOUR FRIEND BEHIND in another fucking country? Isn’t that like, the opening sequence to the movie Taken? I don’t even leave my friends behind in a bar in the city in which we live full-time—and trust me, my friends can get fucking annoying when they’re drunk. Jesus. With friends like these…

In the morning, we see Jax looking contemplatively at a rock he is holding. It is his “negativity rock” and Kelsey gave it to him, and he has probably already masturbated while looking at this rock four times on this vacation. There is a moment where Brittany considers saying something about how dumb it is to have a “negativity rock”, but probably realizes it’s not worth the hours of yelling and straight insults that will occur if she does.

Vanderpump Rules season 6 episode 16

The gang goes to a water park. Brittany looks at a lizard and says, “he looks like a lil’ dinosaur! I love it!” Somebody please explain to this woman how reptiles work. Ugh, Brittany, you beautiful naive newborn baby.

I’m listening to Stassi complain about Kristen, and I’m just not really feeling any sympathy. If you want to sleep in complete silence without anyone bothering you… book a single room. They exist for a reason. Feel like we’re missing a key piece of this “fight,” because I don’t see why Kristen acting “annoying” would trigger such a meltdown from Stassi. Then again… it is Stassi. So, maybe that’s all there is to it.

Jax and Brittany talk about the job in Tampa and Jax actually says, “I never thought you wouldn’t be on board so I didn’t think I’d have to convince you.” (Subtext: Damn I guess I gotta ramp shit up if she’s still thinking for herself.)

Meanwhile, Kristen is off in the woods somewhere, rage texting. Stassi’s ability to make Kristen’s discomfort about her is truly astounding. I love that Stassi is like “I would do anything to room by myself.” EXCEPT FOR BOOK A SINGLE ROOM. 
Stassi: The worst part is I can’t go anywhere. Kristen terrorizes me. I have ISIS in my hotel room.

Nope, sorry guys, I’m not even going to unpack this. I’m just going to leave it there for all of us to ponder while we contemplate the future of humanity and how much longer we as a species will make it.

James tells Jax that Scheana was trying to set Brittany up with Adam, and now I’m just nervous for Brittany because Jax will probably take this out on her. Also James, snitches get stitches! To quote Lala, you tryna get popped? No you’re right I can’t get away with saying that either. Still, I think James should have kept his mouth shut.

All right, so are we gonna get all up in arms about Katie “body-shaming” Schwartz for his “pooch” and “dad bod”? Because if the sexes were reversed we’d be all over that shit. Just saying. #GenderEquality.

Scheana: I’m so glad I don’t get WiFi because I can be present in this trip.
Scheana 2 seconds later: *FaceTimes Rob to tell her how she’s present on this trip.*

WHAT IS IT LIKE LIVING THAT FAR REMOVED FROM REALITY? I know I ask it every week, but every week Scheana goes deeper and deeper into her delusions. It’s honestly quite concerning. Does she like…see the same world we see? I really wish I could witness things through her eyes, if only for a day.

Jax tells Brittany she looks sexy, which is the nicest thing he’s said to her in… this entire season. He confronts her about Adam, and here is actual footage of Jax refraining from blowing up at Brittany:

Breath Holding Kid Meme

I’d just like to say that James’ American accent was the only shining light in this episode. Everything else has been boring af.

I’m so glad that Lala is out here always talking about how her “kitty can take the D like a champ” while simultaneously comparing James to a “girl who gives it up on the first date” in relation to his newfound friendship with Jax. Mostly I’m glad because we already wrote an article on Lala’s hypocritical feminism, so I don’t even need to rehash the same points. Pray tell me, Lala, what is so bad about “giving it up” on the first date? Even the phrase “giving it up” is rooted in slut-shaming and goes against everything you supposedly stand for. 

Girl Bye

Scheana’s STILL talking about how “handy” Rob is and retells the story about how he put a TV on the wall in under seven minutes. My favorite moment of this entire episode was probably everyone zoning out (same) while Scheana whines, “Listen, I’m talking. Kristen, I’m talking.”

I really dislike Lala telling James she wants him to share more about his private life with everyone, and THEN telling everyone how bullies used to break James’ legs. She is so fucking gross! How dare she force James’ hand and make him tell everyone that? I would honestly probably commit a murder if one of my so-called “friends” put me on the spot to divulge my personal shit that I obviously didn’t want to tell anyone or else I fucking would have done it already on my own.

Kristen’s advice to James is “just be kind, ya know?” Wow. She’s really a fountain of wisdom these days. What’s next, “calm down”? 

Yeah if you couldn’t tell, I got like zero sleep last night and am 3,000% done with everybody’s shit.

Looking at this screenshot of Scheana’s reaction to this penis flute, and I just had a lot of thoughts about Rob. I’m sorry, I can’t help it. You know you were thinking it too.

Vanderpump Rules season 6 episode 16

They’re at some club, and Schwartz is waterfalling tequila straight into his mouth. This isn’t going to end well.

Sandoval decides to go up to Scheana to bring up the Adam thing. Does anyone in this group understand the proper time or place to have a serious conversation? Or is it just mandated in their contracts that they can only bring up rumors when wasted and in a public place that serves alcohol?

Look, Jax and Sandoval are completely right. It’s extremely fucked up that Scheana is trying to set Brittany up with someone while Brittany is still with Jax. It’s infantalizing, and kind of gross. Yes, the theme of this week’s episode is “gross”.
Scheana: I’m trying to be a friend to you and Brittany.
Jax: How is that being a friend to me?
Scheana: By being a friend to Brittany.
Me, trying to figure out how that makes ANY FUCKING SENSE IN THIS WORLD:

White Lady Confused

Ugh now Brittany is getting brought into the mix. Jax says to her, “Listen if you wanted to leave me, you would have left a long time ago.” Anddd this episode just got way too dark to handle, because now we know that Jax knows that there are basically no consequences for his actions since Brittany didn’t leave him after he cheated. There are dark times ahead, my friends. And with that, I leave you.

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Scheana Is A Bootleg Kardashian

Catch up on last week’s recap here!

Good evening, and welcome to another installment of The Reason I Can Never Fall Asleep Before 4am on Mondays, otherwise known as the next episode of Vanderpump Rules. As I write this, I am trying (and failing) to cook some steaks I got from Blue Apron, just to give you a perspective of where I’m currently at in my life in relation to the position of moral superiority I like to adopt.

I also want to let you guys know that I do lurk in the comments section, and to the person who said I was being too hard on Scheana, 1) my real name is not Olivia, but thanks and 2) Sure, Scheana is “nice” to an extent. But how much should we let niceness—the lowest possible bar for human decency—excuse how generally insufferable she is? Also, I’d argue that her holier-than-thou routine is far from “nice”. Please feel free to debate me further in the comments section.

Last week’s episodes posed many questions, such as, “Has anyone ever told Brittany the definition of gas lighting?” but more importantly, “Was it about the pasta??” We may never know the answers to these quandaries.

Last week’s episode ended with a horrified Jax realizing Brittany’s mom had flown in to surprise her. We pick back up in that same spot, with Kristen going on about how good Brittany is for Jax and how badly Kristen wants to break them up. I’m not sure if I’ve said this before so I’ll just say it now: I have this theory that Kristen wants to date Jax, and that’s why she is up Brittany’s asshole so much. Think about it: Kristen is the only one in the group who’s never dated Jax. Sure, they fucked, but it clearly meant more to Kristen than it did to Jax, since she was willing to tank her four-year relationship over it. Jax also admitted it right away and has said multiple times since that Kristen is gross. Anyway, here’s Wonderwall that’s my theory.

Lala meets up with Katie and orders a mimosa. The woman asks for her ID and Lala says “I don’t have it with me, but I’m a grown-ass woman.” Sure, that’ll hold up in court. Lala decides to play mediator between Katie and Scheana—a noble effort, but one that will certainly come back to bite her in the ass.

Katie: No one’s talking about Rob and Scheana anymore. She’s the only one bringing it up.

Me:

Michael Scott

Lala: I’m all about female empowerment. I’m all about the power of the pussy. I just want all the pussies to get along.

Or, in other words:

Rainbows and Smiles

Scheana goes up to Lala at work and basically just starts trash-talking Katie without prompting. But tell me how nice Scheana is again. But Lala is really doubling down on this feminism angle. It’s like, kind of admirable, but I wonder what Lala would accomplish if she actually got involved in women’s issues. Maybe we go for pay equality before we worry about if every single woman on Earth wants to get brunch with every other woman on Earth. I’m just saying.

At Peter’s birthday party, Lala is still trying to hold onto her “gangsta” image. YOU ARE FROM UTAH, LAURYN.

Brittany’s sister also shows up, thanks to Kristen, and I just want to know who’s paying for this. Does Kristen have a budget item for “flying random bitches to LA to fuck up other people’s relationships”?

Stassi refers to Peter as her “ex-boyfriend,” which is a strong fucking term for someone producers forced you to make out with twice last season. Like, damn, am I sane?

Also I nearly called the police watching Kristen simulate oral sex on Carter’s finger.

Lala, still high off the Women’s March (jk because this episode was filmed months ago), is leading a one-woman crusade to bring Scheana and Katie together. It goes just about as well as you’d expect: the situation devolves within a matter of 30 seconds, with both sides hurling insults at each other.

Lala: EEEEENOUGHH!!!! I AM OVERRRR ITT!!!!!

*plays back that scream 35 times continuously* I’m setting that as my ringtone. 

Me:

Loud Noises

Lala: We are women! Let’s build each other up! Ovaries before brovaries!

Scheana isn’t letting it go, though, and accuses the other girls of being fake. That was the wrong move, because it brings about the clapback of the century from none other than Mr. Thomas Schwartz.

Schwartz: Scheana, look at your nails and your hair. You’re the fakest one of all of us. You’re a bootleg Kardashian, all you care about is selfies.

Wow. This was incredible. We are not worthy. Years from now, this clip will go down in the history books. We all just witnessed one of the greatest moments in Vanderpump Rules history, and we’re all better for it.

Scheana starts crying in a corner and Ariana is serving as her translator. Actual footage of this:

Grammys

Lala to Scheana: You may have PTSD but guess what, you’re stuck with me homie.

I mean, I guess being friends with these idiots is kind of like being in a war zone.

Lala and James are playing tennis and she says “My man likes playing tennis and he’s really fucking good.”

James:

Superbad

It’s great how you can clearly tell that having to bring sandwiches to Brittany, her mom and her sister is Jax’s idea of a suicide mission.

Apparently Logan told Brittany’s sister that he’s sleeping with James? What a random person to tell. How did that conversation go? “Hi, I’m Tiffany,” “Nice to meet you, I’m fucking James”?

Schwartz is telling Lisa about the fight with Scheana, and he’s like “Well I think that before Katie wanted me to stand up for her no matter what” and Lisa was like “Well yeah that’s kind of the point of marriage, you know, that lifetime commitment you agreed to?”

Schwartz just explained the sunken cost fallacy, and it’s like crickets from Lisa. Lisa, you own multiple businesses! You of all people should be familiar with the sunk cost fallacy! I learned that shit in micro economics 101 and by perusing the r/relationships subreddit. I am fucking concerned. And for the record, yes, Schwartz was 100% correct—Brittany is making the mistake of buying into the sunk cost fallacy by staying in a relationship that doesn’t make her happy just because she sacrificed a lot to get here.

I’ve got to say that I fucking love season 6 James. He is fucking hilarious.

“I don’t have to convince you that I love pussy. I know it. You know it. Everybody knows it. I’m James fucking Kennedy.” – James fucking Kennedy

With that attitude. I see a long career in American politics for him.

Kristen and Stassi go to SUR, basically to talk shit about James and speculate about his sexuality with Brittany and Lala. The only productive thing to come out of this conversation was Kristen inventing the term “wading in the penis pond.”

Raquel and James are talking about the Logan rumors, and poor Raquel. If she was just able to get out one sentence, she could articulate the problem at hand: that Logan is being disrespectful to their relationship. Instead, James deflects with some joke about everyone wanting to fuck him (I object) and she is forced to laugh it off.

Jax takes Brittany’s sister and mom to dinner to discuss his cheating (a concept I don’t agree with necessarily, but whatever) and he is BLATANTLY LYING TO THEIR FACES. What’s gonna happen tonight when they watch this episode and realize Jax lied about only sleeping with Faith once?

Fam, Jax is literally a classic manipulator. He does something wrong >> turns it around, starts pulling the “woe is me I’m a terrible person” routine, forcing the person who was actually wronged to comfort him. On the one hand, I commend this show for its educational aspects. On the other hand, I fear Brittany is too stupid to ever come to her senses and is subjecting herself to a lifetime of misery.

James comes over to Brittany’s house (I really didn’t know they were friends like that, but ok) to talk about the Logan thing. Oh, I guess because Logan initially told Brittany’s sister they were fucking. So James institutes a three-way call attack on Logan. Sadly, it does not go like this:

3-Way Calling Attack

Logan immediately backs down and admits he made it all up because he’s “a jealous little bitch.” So their friendship is cancelled, as is my desire to continue with this recap. JK, sort of, because the show is over. That was a fucking wild ride, and I can’t wait for next week.

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Justice For Brittany

Another Monday, another episode of Vanderpump Rules. Last week’s episode wasn’t super exciting, but then again, the season premieres rarely are. We did learn Jax cheated on Brittany with Faith, and don’t even come at me like “Well, we don’t know it’s true yet.” It’s Jax. That shit is true. Also I’d like to add that as I edit this recap I am running on three hours of sleep because I was up half the night thinking to myself, “Poor Brittany. She really didn’t deserve this.” So don’t ever accuse me of being unfeeling *angrily glares at my ex and my therapist* But enough about me (for now). Let’s get into this episode.

We open at Scheana’s birthday party with Kristen outside yelling at Faith to talk to Brittany.

I love that Jax refutes these rumors by saying “I didn’t do anything!” and not “I didn’t do IT.” That’s how you know he’s lying. I should work for the FBI.

Kris Jenner FBI

Lisa’s like, “I never believe what I hear unless it’s about Jax.” Same.

Meanwhile, James asks Jax if he did it, and Jax is like, “Come on, man.” ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION.

Kristen says “Jax can suck my motherfucking dick. I wanna ram my stiletto up his asshole.” Kristen, leave the overly specific threats of violence to Stassi. You can’t pull it off.

Scheana is berating Jax (because we all know he did it), and Sandoval’s version of sticking up for Jax is to say to Scheana, “You didn’t see penetration, you don’t know what happened.” Ironclad defense, Sandoval. Someone get him a law degree.

The next day (or some day later), Ken buys Lisa a Rolls-Royce. I don’t really have any commentary here, except to ask if Ken would be willing to take a second, much younger and poorer, wife.

Stassi: If being good at sex gets you a Rolls-Royce, I must be really bad at sex.

Same. I guess Lala is pretty fucking good then? Is that what the whole “Give them Lala” thing is about? It’s all starting to make sense…

Anyway, Stassi is visiting Lisa because she wants to get into event planning. We’ve really come a long way from “You HATE me, Lisa.”

Stassi Schroeder

Stassi: Jax is so lucky I wasn’t at Scheana’s party, because I’ve always wanted to impale someone and have their head on a spike and keep it in my apartment.

See Kristen? That’s how you threaten someone. Take notes. Clearly Stassi has been watching Parks and Rec.

Leslie Knope Head On A Stick

After commercial break, we open at Chez Bubba, where Brittany comes in crying and the first thing out of her mouth is, “What a thirsty little bitch.” Honestly I’m not sure if she’s referring to Jax or Faith.

Katie: IDK why Jax does this. I just think he has a serious problem.

YA THINK? Wow. While we’re handing out honorary degrees, let’s give Katie a fucking PhD in Psychology.

Just when Brittany calls herself a single person, Jax knocks on the door in a not-at-all staged moment. Honestly, not much to report here except that Jax is still being a piece of shit. At one point Brittany says, “I can’t believe you’d do this for me after all I’ve done for you!” and Jax starts to say “What about everything I’ve done for you?” Dude. Read the room.

James rolls up at Pump (or SUR? I can’t keep track. They’re the same place.) with Raquel, who is wearing daisy dukes while asking Lisa for a job. The guys on this show are trash. Tell your girlfriend to put on some damn pants for a job interview, because Lisa doesn’t play games! 

Lisa: Well, what do you do?

Raquel: *30 seconds of silence, probably contemplating if “breathing every time I remember to” is an answer to that question* What do you mean?

Lisa: Like… for work.

Actual footage of Lisa:

Nick Young

Raquel is studying kinesiology at school? Nope. Sorry. No way. I don’t even know what kinesiology is, and I’m too lazy to look it up, but seeing as it ends in -ology and is not cosmetology, I’m gonna have to say it’s too advanced for Raquel. *Braces self for onslaught of cosmetologists in the comments* I’m just saying, it does not require a science degree.

James takes this opportunity to ask for a job, and Lisa gives it to him! Just when I said Lisa doesn’t take shit. Come on, Lisa. I was rooting for you. We were all rooting for you!

Sandoval, Schwartz, Ariana, Ariana’s brother, etc. are celebrating somebody’s birthday. How are all these people born within a two-day span of each other? Was this a requirement for being on the show? 

How have I never noticed that Ariana and Jeremy are exactly the same person? Literally, they have the same face. It is eerie.

Okay I love Logan, being like “Faith may be in the wrong, but she’s not the one in the relationship.”

Thank You

Brittany comes home and goes straight to her room. Jax barges in, ignoring Brittany’s boundaries (again), and after a little back-and-forth screaming, JAX ADMITS HE CHEATS!!!

Me, the entire world except Brittany:

Pretends To Be Shocked

Jax: In the past I’ve gone through months of denial, but now I only denied it for a few days. I’m a changed man.

I’ll alert Dr. Phil.

Ugh Brittany is the sweetest, she really doesn’t deserve this. UGH SHE’S CRYING INTO THE PUPPY AND NOW I’M CRYING.

I feel like it’s weird that everyone’s saying Faith is Brittany’s friend when I don’t think they’ve ever been showed conversing on camera. Anyone else?

Back at this birthday party, Schwartz is wasted on the phone with Jax and crying for no discernible reason. Schwartz is me: crying while day drinking because he realizes he has no drive or ambition. Sandoval comes over to comfort him and HE starts crying, like, “You’re my best friend, I’ll never let anything bad happen to you.” Sandoval, getting a real job is not considered “something bad happening to you”. Just so ya know.

Sandoval is crying so hard that he smeared his foundation. 

Vanderpump Rules Season 6 Episode 2

Aw, now Brittany is calling her mom crying. Damn it, why did nobody tell me I needed wine and chocolate for this episode? Dis tew much. *Grabs raw cookie dough from the freezer*

Okay, the waterworks fest is over. It’s Long Beach Pride, and I really hope Scheana will sing another song. But so far it’s just Lisa and Ken driving their car through the parade. This is thoroughly uneventful. Although I wonder if this is the same Pride parade that this girl on Reddit wrote about meeting all the SURvers and then Ariana went on a Twitter rant about because the girl said she wasn’t nice in-person? 

I spend too much fucking time on Reddit. Kind of embarrassed, but also shouts out to the r/BravoRealHousewives sub, where I often lurk.

This Pride parade is looking like a House of Yes sex party, with spanking stations and shit. Color me shocked that Sandoval isn’t into BDSM.

Ariana: Tom and I have a lot of issues that we need to work on, and by “work on” I mean “I hope to beat those issues out of him.”

Stassi’s getting ready to go on a date with Patrick.Kristen is like, “I can’t wait to start planning Stassi and Patrick’s wedding,” and, “I love love love love Patrick.” Can I just replay this on loop from now until the episode Patrick dumps Stassi?

Brittany shows up back to work, talking about how she goes from really mad to sad and back and forth, and Scheana’s like “Oh I know me too, that was me six months ago.” First of all, stop making this about you. Second of all, you were so sad you ran into Rob’s arms like, four days later? K. K. That was not a typo, I just really needed to repeat my disbelief.

From the three seconds of Patrick I’ve seen so far, I do NOT get the hype about this dude. He has the appearance of a hipster and the attitude/voice/mannerisms of a dudebro. Ughhh he’s the worst.

Patrick: You’re a really good person who is batshit crazy and uber talented. I hang out with you everyday and I’m still not sick of you.

Stassi: That’s like some Notebook shit.

I guess romance isn’t dead, kids.

Basically, Stassi and Patrick are arguing because he’s like, “first rule of going on a break is you don’t talk about what happened when you were on a break.” Okay, Ross.

We Were On A Break

Back at Sur, Sandoval is telling Jax that Ariana bought a whip. Because Sandoval isn’t whipped enough. Hey-o!

Brittany comes up to the bar and I’m living for the way she ignores the shit out of Jax. Let that be a lesson to you ladies. If Brittany can ignore her asshole ex-boyfriend when she’s two feet in front of him, you can refrain from texting Fuckboy Alex when you’re two vodka sodas deep. (You know who you are.)

Nope. I take it all back. Brittany slept with Jax, so y’all go ahead and text Alex. Whatever, I’m not gonna crucify the girl. Relationships are messy. Say what you want about Brittany (which I have for like, the past two seasons), but she seemed extremely distraught—if she was acting, get her an Oscar. And like, poor thing. She’s the sweetest country bumpkin who’d never hurt a fly, and Jax committed the worst form of betrayal. Brittany of all people didn’t deserve this. Now if you need me, I’m about to light Jax’s mentions tf up. Until next time.

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: What Wouldn’t Jax Do? (Nothing)

Welcome friends, lovers, foes, and all trash-loving monsters, to the season 6 premiere of Vanderpump Rules. I would say a lot happened last season, but to be honest, they spent 24 episodes more or less dragging out if Tom and Katie would make it down the aisle. Oh yeah, and then they tacked Scheana’s divorce on at the end. Real riveting and diverse stuff.

But we do know a few things: Jax is still most likely a cheating scumbag, Kristen is back on her bullshit, Stassi never got off her bullshit, and Scheana has had more boyfriends in the past year than I’ve had in my entire adult life. Cool cool cool cool cool. That definitely doesn’t make me feel any type of way or contemplate getting enough fillers to make my face qualify as non-organic material. Defs not. But let’s get into the recap.

We open at Scheana’s birthday party and it’s masquerade themed. She rolls in with her new boyfriend … ah wait, nvm, it’s just a preview of what’s happening in this episode. But why do I need to watch a preview of what I’m about to watch? Bravo producers be doing the most.

I’m glad they haven’t updated the intro sequence outfits since 2011, though. Except why is Lala out here trying to look like Kim Kardashian. Why?

Lala Kent Kim Kardashian

Okay, we open FOR REAL at SUR, obvi. Sandoval has noticeably shorter hair and Jax has a buzzcut. Jax and Brittany have officially been together two years. Time really flies when you’re fucking miserable and on the verge of being abused.

Jax: Brittany’s finally getting off the couch and going to the gym, not keeping Postmates in business.

THAT WAS A DIRECT QUOTE. I didn’t even paraphrase that, y’all. With boyfriends like these, who needs enemies?

Meanwhile, Scheana is gushing over her new relationship, which is awkward because we know it lasted all of like, five minutes.

Scheana: I wouldn’t have started dating so soon after my divorce if it weren’t for anyone else in the world.

All of Us:

Sure Jan

The ink hasn’t even dried on Scheana’s divorce papers—I actually don’t even know if she’s signed them at this point—and she’s already got a new bf. *Screams into the void* AND I CAN’T EVEN GET A TEXT BACK!

Meanwhile, Lisa is putting the final touches on Tom Tom. Calling it now, they’re gonna transition into a Tom Tom spin-off just like they did with the OG episode of VPR.

Sandoval has been living in a rent-controlled apartment for the past 12 years. WTF, Ariana. You need to lock that man down! What is wrong with you? Marry him, or I will.

Katie has been rage texting Scheana, because what else is new?

Vanderpump Rules Season 6 Episode 1

What. A. Psychopath. You really can’t win with Katie. Either you like Lala and never hear the end of her wrath about it, or you stop associating with Lala and Katie calls you pathetic for listening to her? God, I can’t stand these people.

Katie walks up right as Scheana is shit talking her to be like, “Yeah I’m having a birthday party and I don’t want you there.” Seems unnecessary to do that when you could just…not invite her…

Katie: It’s very clear that you made a decision somewhere down the line that you don’t want to be my friend.

Yeah, that’s what Scheana just said.

Once again, Katie is deflecting all the blame on Scheana and refusing to take responsibility. Call me when something new happens.

Okay, it’s about time I say that I have been LIVING for Ariana’s haircut. I wish I could pull off a lob, but I don’t have her bone structure.

Sandoval wants to work weed into Tom Tom and so he took a “research” trip to Colorado with Jax to find out that you can’t legally put THC into drinks. Because that couldn’t have been figured out in one Google search. I see you degenerates.

Sandoval vents to Ariana about Lisa and Ken. It seems like Lisa and Ken overheard Sandoval’s entire shit-talking session. That doesn’t seem likely. What are the acoustics at SUR? They’re legit in a different room.

Katie goes over to Stassi’s place. Tbh I’m  not sure about Stassi’s tan/hair combo. Feeling a little Trump-ish to me.

Stassi’s like “I am from the South, we have central A/C everywhere. I can’t live like this.” Bish, didn’t you live in New York City for six months?

Katie’s telling Stassi how Scheana went from being a bridesmaid to not being her friend at all and how fucked up that is, like she didn’t do the same exact shit to Stassi but in reverse. Katie, if you’re reading it, what’s it like living in the Upside Down? Who’s your weed dealer?

Stassi: You know how you and Tom got so much happier when you were married?

The entire world: …No?

When has marriage ever fixed a broken relationship? I’ll wait.

New York Waiting

James is chilling with some new guy named Logan. Ugh, I don’t have the ability to care for any more new people at this point, can we just not?

Holy fuck, Raquel is in COLLEGE? Where does this incoherent bitch go to school, Trump University? (Too easy?)

James: Thank god I have Logan when Raquel is gone. We go hiking, we hang out, he drives me around… So what I’m hearing is that you’re dating Logan on the side while Raquel is at college. I’m not mad about it.

Schwartz and Sandoval walk into Tom Tom which is just an abandoned construction site at this point.

Sandoval: I want a feeling in this place of comfortability, familiararity, no-stal-gee-ah…

Are those words?

Sandoval’s main concern is that the restaurant is “comfortable.” No, everyone’s gonna sit on cinder blocks.

Sandoval and Schwartz are like “yeah let’s just pretend I never talked shit about Lisa, she’s totally forgotten about it.”

*Two seconds later* Lisa: I just think it’s funny how…

Sandoval is blaming Lisa for eavesdropping on his conversation “because you said you were leaving and you didn’t leave.” I just don’t have the time to get into all the ways in which you are so wrong about this.

At Jax and Brittany’s, they’re getting ready for Scheana’s birthday like, “We’re gonna have fun tonight. No drama. We need this.” Ah yes, because those are the words that precede any good, responsible night out. Just like “I’m only gonna have one drink” and “We’ll be home by midnight” and “It’s Tuesday.”

Sandoval tells Ariana about the Lisa fiasco and Ariana is like “Well, she shouldn’t have been eavesdropping.” Damn they are delusional af. Don’t have private conversations about your boss at your boss’s restaurant! Am I the only one who’s thought of this solution??

Crazy Pills

Sooo Schwartz is going to Scheana’s birthday and not Katie? That’s fucking weird. I can *kinda* see why Katie thinks Tom never supports her. Did I just agree with Katie on something? Somebody please come check on me to make sure I’m okay.

Stassi is mooning over Patrick again, and honestly I wanna know what the big deal is with this guy. Why does Stassi keep going back to him? Is this dude’s dick made of gold? 

Schwartz: You should put a hex on Scheana so that every single photo of her is taken on her bad side.

Schwartz is truly diabolical. I love it. I’m going to start doing that to everyone who’s ever wronged me.

Ew, Scheana has a cat. I always knew I didn’t like her for a reason.

Scheana’s boyfriend is out here looking like a bargain bin Bradley Cooper. How am I just seeing this??

Scheana Shay Rob Valletta

Love that Scheana got rid of all their wedding photos except for the giant portrait of her face that was clearly taken in her bridal robe.

Scheana: What’s funny is that Rob is the last person I slept with before me and Shay got together and the first person I slept with when we got divorced. Everything about Rob is bigger and better.

Okay, Scheana is disgusting. What a horrible fucking thing to say about someone you were MARRIED TO. Shay doesn’t deserve this. You already humiliated the guy on national TV once, why do you have to go and insult his dick size? 

As Sandoval and Ariana are getting ready, Tom drops a bomb that his friend ran into Faith (remember Lala’s friend? No? It’s ok, nobody does) and she told this random stranger that she and Jax have been hooking up. I realize how convoluted that sentence was, but stay with me.

Tom: On the one hand I’m shocked Jax would hook up with Faith. On the other hand, it’s Jax.

Everyone’s reaction summed up.

Ariana is like, “Well it’s just a rumor,” but has there ever been one time on the history of this show where a rumor about two people fucking hasn’t been true? No. There has not. And don’t come at me with the Tom and Ariana rumors, you will never convince me those two “only kissed” when he was still with Kristen.

Raquel is at Scheana’s party, and I feel like I need to ask now if she can even legally drink.

Jax and James apparently squashed their beef; it’s truly an inspiration to feuds everywhere. Let’s send these two to the Middle East and see what they can work out.

Scheana introduces Rob to Lisa and says, “For the past 10 years, this is all I’ve wanted.”

Lisa is like, “Bitch get your tacky ass outta here with that, you were married to someone else. How you gonna say you wanted him the whole time when you PLEDGED YOURSELF TO SOMEONE ELSE FOR LIFE?” Oh, that was my internal monologue? Oops. K well Lisa said basically that, but in a more classy British way.

Jax decides he wants to tell Brittany he wants to have kids with her…when he’s drunk at a party. How all serious relationship conversations should start.

Vanderpump Rules Season 6 Episode 1

Stassi: If it was my birthday I wouldn’t not invite people and tell them they can’t come.

Is Stassi a pathological liar or just extremely delusional? What about Montauk? What about every single one of your birthday parties since season 1?

Sandoval decides that this is the perfect time to confront Jax about the rumor that he and Faith hooked up. In the middle of a party. What could go wrong?

Meanwhile James is confronting Faith. Apparently Jax messaged Faith on Twitter and came over while she was caring for a 95-year-old woman in her home?? WHAT THE FUCK. What is wrong with you people? How depraved can you possibly be?? That poor woman doesn’t need your nasty asses sullying her house. 

Vanderpump Rules Season 6 Episode 1

Okay Faith is giving way too much detail rn. Sucking her toes? Fucking her without a condom, legs in the air? I don’t need to know this, and I JUST ran out of eyeball bleach. 

OHHH SHITTT FAITH’S PERIOD IS LATE. Oh no. This is the last thing we need.

The entire world, I presume:

Mr. Krabs Meme

Jax goes straight up to Faith like, “Tom told me you said we hooked up. Can you just tell them that’s not true?”

Some other Squid (can’t keep up) named Jesse is talking to Brittany like, “I don’t wanna believe this, but I do.” I think the best part of this whole season is how they’ve all dropped the “Jax wouldn’t do that” act. Jax could be arrested for murder and they’d be like “meh, yeah he probably did it.”

Brittany: Jax has done a lot of fucked up things to me but if this is true I’m gonna drop kick his ass and her ass and they’re both dead to me.

She says that now but once the boob job money stops rolling in, I’m sure she’ll change her tune. 

Jax really has the nerve to go up to Brittany like “What did I do?” Seriously?

Jax: If I was going to cheat on Brittany, why would I hook up with someone in our circle? It just doesn’t make any sense.

Also Jax: *cheats on Stassi with Kristen, cheats on Carmen with Tiffany, and on and on until the end of time…*

Kristen goes up to Jax and says “You don’t get to come home tonight,” which doesn’t seem like her choice to make, but sure, Kristen.

Kristen then goes up to Faith screaming, “BRITTANY WANTS TO TALK TO YOU! TALK TO BRITTANY!” I am so glad Kristen is back on her bullshit, meddling in everyone else’s relationships. 

Faith basically runs away like all innocent people do when they are accused of something they didn’t do. Brittany is crying and screaming about moving out if the rumors are true, and once again we all collectively “Sure, Jan”. 

Anyway, this season looks like it’s gonna be lit af. Can’t wait for next Monday. Peace and love.

The ‘Vanderpump Rules’ Season 6 Trailer Is Here

Vanderpump Rules fans, the wait is over. We know when season 6 is coming, and it’s sooner than you think. I swear, somebody at Bravo must read my articles, because right after I lamented how nobody knew when TF Vanderpump Rules season 6 was happening, Bravo comes out with a nice little press release telling us everything we need to know about the new season. (I know, I’m very cool.) That, or this is just a coincidence and Bravo’s PR team doesn’t revolve around my whims/conspiracy theories. IDK, going with the former explanation for now. Grab the popcorn and the Pumptini, because it’s going to be lit.

The world will resume turning new season of VPR will air on Monday, December 4th at 9pm. According to the press release, this season Lisa does, in fact, try to open up another restaurant with Sandoval and Schwartz, but reportedly “butts heads with them every step of the way.” No shit, when you’re an experienced restauranteur who has to answer to an unemployed model and an overly dramatic bartender, I can see why you’d disagree. Scheana also “finds herself at the center of SUR gossip when rumors about her new relationship begin to swirl.” I swear, if someone starts a rumor that Scheana is dating a married man, I will shit. 

Ariana and Tom get in a fight (supposedly “one of the biggest fights of their relationship”—does nobody remember the time he stranded her on the anniversary of her dad’s death to drive a bulldozer?), and Lala convinces Lisa to hire her back at SUR one more time. We also already know that Stassi and Patrick get back together and break up, and I for one cannot wait to see the freakout we all saw on Stassi’s IG story play out on camera. Finally, Kristen does what she does best and tries to break up Jax and Brittany. But y tho, Kristen? You never even dated Jax. Also, aren’t you supposedly happily in love with Carter? Something does not add up here.

But don’t take my word for all this. Here’s the full trailer. Soak up its awesomeness.

If you can’t wait that long for your VPR fix (same), this year Bravo has a treat for us. On Monday, November 27th at 10pm (still way too far away for my liking), they’re airing a half-hour special called Vanderpump Rules How They Got Here. It will basically be like every retrospective episode you’ve seen on any sitcom, when they have to fill a time slot but don’t have a real episode out because the writers are on hiatus. (*Angrily glares at every Friends holiday episode*) I’m not mad about it, though, and will obviously be serving fried goat cheese balls at my viewing party.

Obviously, I’m stoked. We finally have a date for Vanderpump Rules, which means I have finally found my will to live. At least until December 4th. After that, who knows. 

Here’s Everything We Know About ‘Vanderpump Rules’ Season 6

Vanderpump Rules season 6 is upon us, and it had better be lit. Yes, that was a direct threat. No, please don’t arrest me. I was just kidding. We’re all friends here, right? Phew. Okay, now that that’s taken care of, let’s talk about Vanderpump Rules season 6. Simply put, if the lead-up is any indication, it’s going to be a shit show. For one, Tom Sandoval, Ariana Madix, and James Kennedy confirmed that Lala Kent is returning to the show. Betches has reached out to representatives for Ariana and Tom and will update if we receive a response. A representative for James could not be reached.

TooFab (is this outlet legit? Somebody please advise) reportedly caught up with Tom, James, and Ariana at Maxim’s annual Halloween party. “Dynamics are shifting,” Ariana told TooFab. And like, whatever. That’s not exactly news. We’ve known for a while now that Lala is hanging out with Stassi, Kristen is no longer a pariah, and all the cliques are getting taken apart and put back together like some sort of catty Jenga game. But at least now we know for (probably) sure that Lala is coming back, and we’ll probably get another season of watching everybody, including Scheana, try to ostracize her for dating a married guy. *Screams “BUT YOU DID IT FIRST” into the abyss*

Here’s where things get interesting though, in my opinion. Nobody knows what the fuck is going on with the premiere. Literally. TooFab (do they even go here?) said the season 6 premiere is in November, which is all good and exciting until you realize that November is LITERALLY NEXT WEEK and we still have no idea when this shit is happening. All we have is this teaser from the end of September that just says the next season is “Coming Soon”. Also, the teaser gives us precisely zero information about what we can expect. There was apparently a photoshoot a few days ago, but still. We have yet to receive any sort of legitimate information.

But don’t feel bad, because you know who else has no idea when the fuck Vanderpump Rules season 6 is coming? The fucking cast of Vanderpump Rules. Someone on Twitter asked Jax when the premiere was, and his reply revealed that Jax knows about as much as we know. Maybe even less tbh—at least we can read.

Jax Taylor VPR Season 6

I know what you’re thinking. This is Jax. Jax probably doesn’t know when his own birthday is. Ok, fair. So then I went to Brittany’s Twitter—nothing. Same for Katie, Stassi, and Ariana. Scheana’s Twitter was just a bunch of shit about “staying positive” and “new beginnings” or whatever, so I was forced to scrape the bottom of the barrel and stalk—you guessed it—Kristen. Someone asked Kristen about when we were getting a trailer, and once again, Kristen is just as ignorant as all of us on this front.

Kristen Doute VPR Season 6

Well, thanks for nothing, Kristen. Is our beloved Vanderpump Rules coming back next month, or nah? Bravo, you need to let me know ASAP so I can clear my schedule. I mean, I’ll obviously cancel all my plans the second I find out when this premiere is, but still. It’s the principle.

Jax Taylor Says This Season Of ‘Vanderpump Rules’ Is His Worst Yet & Here’s What That Could Mean

Our world is crawling with fuckboys. There are fictional fuckboys like season one Chuck Bass, then real ones like, ya know, our current president for one, as well as pretty much any guy I’ve ever hooked up with. But one of the OGs of fuckboyery is none other than Vanderpump Rules’ Jax Taylor. Who can forget when he got a rando pregnant in Vegas while he was dating Stassi? And then proceeded to turn all her friends against her because he swore it wasn’t true? Or how about the time he fucked his best friend’s girlfriend on their couch WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING IN THE OTHER ROOM? Or even when he got arrested in Hawaii for stealing sunglasses? You can’t make this shit up, kids.

But over the past year or so, he’s seemed to put his fuckboyish ways aside. Or so we all thought. Last week, he announced on Facebook Live that the upcoming season of VPR is his worst season yet. He even said he might have to go into hiding. Lol, k. Calm down. But it got us thinking… Given his impressive track record, how tf could he do anything worse? So we’ve listed the top 5 most likely situations that could make us hate Jax more than we already do. Tbh, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

1. He Had Sex With—I’m Sorry, Banged—Katie

The only thing worse than banging your friend’s girlfriend is banging your other, nicer friend’s wife. Given the state of Mr. and Mrs. Bubba’s relationship last season, this wouldn’t be all that surprising. Apparently Schwartzy’s dick doesn’t work and he calls Katie a bitch a lot, so like, could be a perfect opportunity for Jax and his overly functioning dick to swoop right in.

Katie Maloney

2. He Had Something To Do With Lisa Vanderpump’s Dog Dying

Okay, I’ll admit, this is a little dark…even for Jax. But if you’ve been following LVP on social media, you know that in the past month, two of her precious pups have passed. RIP. If Jax is responsible for any of this, or like, left the gate open or some shit that caused a doggy death, we are fucking done.

Lisa Vanderpump

3. He Hooked Up With One Of Brittany’s Friends When They Took Kentucky

I mean, wtf else is there to do in Kentucky? And like, most of her friends would have been down. There’s a reason every one of them has a baby. I could def see Jax hate-fucking that one he kept fighting with. And sure… Has he cheated in the past? Yes. Would this be all that shocking? No. But Brittany seems nice and won’t be able to plot his life destruction the way Stassi did when he cheated on her so it would be extra shitty.

Jax Taylor

4. He Stole From A Charity

Like the dog murder, this is a stretch. But Jax has already stolen sunglasses and almost gone to jail for it. That was especially bad because, while obviously illegal, stealing a pair of sunglasses is just dumb. He could easily have afforded them or gotten a similar-looking pair from Diff Eyewear for free. So the only thing that could be worse than stealing again would be if Jax stole from the needy. Lisa does have a lot of charitable endeavors, so I wouldn’t necessarily put it past Jax to slip himself a $20 from the donation jar or whatever.

Lisa Vanderpump

5. He Took Up DJing So He Could Completely Destroy James Kennedy’s Life

Tbh, I would actually love to see this. But it would also be a real dick move. Look, James is the fucking worst. But Jax already got him fired from SUR. Let him keep his little DJing  career. If he lost that, I don’t think “the white Kanye West” would fucking make it. James might even have such an intense mental breakdown that he moved to a small rural town to film a spin-off with his girlfriend. Oh wait…

Mic Drop

Obviously, we have no fucking idea what types of shenanigans Jax will get into this season, and obviously we’ll be watching and recapping the entire thing. Stay tuned.

Read: TV Heartthrobs From Our Youth Who Were Secretly Huge Fuckboys