It is the Vanderpump Rules season 6 finale. Welcome one, welcome all. Welcome ladies, welcome gents. Welcome lovers, welcome friends. Welcome Usher, Jon, and Luda. We ’bout to do it again.
Before I go into a full-on early 2000s music spiral, let’s briefly recap what happened this season. Jax cheated on Brittany, and then they broke up for 2 seconds before getting back together. Scheana started dating Rob, and no amount of “it was the editing!” protests will ever convince me that she was one missed text away from wearing his skin as a suit. Ariana and Tom stopped having sex, which revealed Tom Sandoval’s true identity as an implicit misogynist who thinks he’s a feminist. Stassi dated a walking, talking keg of Natty Light with a man bun, for reasons unknown. Katie and Tom were the least offensive couple in this whole bunch, which, given Schwartz’s flagrant cheating, is really saying something. Lala talked about her man 67,000 times. James failed at convincing us he and Raquel are in a happy relationship, while Raquel failed at convincing us she is actually human. Billie Lee… was there. I think that about covers it.
We open this momentous Vanderpump Rules season 6 finale (IDK why I’m acting like this is my wedding and not just the 6th season finale of a shitty reality show) with Sandoval shaving his eyebrows, an appropriate beginning. Sandoval is rattling off a list of items he needs for this “progress party” aka “excuse to get the Tom Tom spin-off rumors in motion and drum up publicity for this lame-ass restaurant.” YOU CANNOT GET ME TO LIKE TOM TOM. You just can’t.
At Katie and Tom’s, Schwartz is giving a weird coming-of-age speech to his dogs in a fake Southern accent. This man cannot have a serious conversation, can he? I am gonna need to roll the tape on his vows just to make sure he didn’t give them in a baby voice.
The Toms are writing Ken and Lisa another check for $25K. How do they even have this much money?
So for all of you asking, Jax is back at the apartment with the dogs. How and WHY are we giving the sociopath control of the animals?? Jesus, fix it.
Brittany and Stassi are getting ready, and Brittany appears to be finally moving on. Sadly, we all know it lasts about a week. In dog years. I’m pissed watching this episode knowing Brittany’s resolve doesn’t keep.
Stassi and Patrick are not in a fight. When are they NOT in a fight? In related news, water is wet.
I pretty much zone out anytime Ken and Lisa talk because I just do not care, but I zone in on Lisa saying that it’s funny how Jax gets a pass on everything in life, like she hasn’t been giving him the biggest pass of all for the past 6 seasons! Come on, Lisa. You could always fire the guy. This is bullshit.
I’m happy to report that Tom Tom is still a literal shell of itself. How is this safe? There are exposed wires everywhere. I’m calling the fire marshal. I just vomited over Sandoval’s “I see a beautiful bar serving drinks. I see my friends, having fun. I see my future, and it looks great” monologue. Calm down, sir. That was the parallel structure nobody asked for.
It’s just weird to hear everyone gush like “this place looks amazing!” With the exposed beams and the insulation hanging out of the walls.
Jax shows up. You can hear a pin drop.
Ken and Lisa walk in, with Ken toting the lifeless body of Giggy.
Schwartz is like, “You’d never have guessed, but I think I’ve always kind of admired Lisa, you know what I mean? And maybe I’ll start emulating Ken. Because I admire Lisa so much.” Look dude, we know you want to bang his wife. You’re not slick. It’s still not gonna work.
Jax tries to pull Lisa aside to talk to her, and for once Lisa does the normal adult thing and is like “I’m not doing this now, I’ll talk to you later.” Lisa Vanderpump, passing up an opportunity for an on-screen confrontation? What is happening to the world??
Scheana HAS to put the attention on her with a bright pink hard hat. Where did she even get that thing? Did she bring it with her? She goes up to Rob and tries to seduce him by saying “I’m just gonna wear this later.”
Watching him aggressively ignore her is a truly beautiful piece of television.
James is a messy bitch, telling Jax that Brittany went home with a guy she met at In-N-Out the other weekend. Okay, who’s meeting people at the fucking fast food place after a night out? (In a totally unrelated follow-up question, have I been doing it wrong this whole time?)
Scheana has now escalated to wearing a neon construction vest in addition to the pink hat. Rob still doesn’t notice, but rather, he and Jax talk about how, basically, Scheana is insane and wants to get married while Rob is like “somebody please tell me how to wake up from this nightmare of my own creation.”
Ariana gives Sandoval a present and it’s a… giant curved knife? *resists the urge to make a penis joke*
The party moves to Pump. Patrick finally shows up. Stassi is hanging on him and saying she loves him, while all he can do is mumble a “sup?” God, I hate this bearded wet noodle of a man.
James goes over to Ken and Lisa, and Ken blathers about how James has been doing better, after announcing he’s going to pee (y tho?) and hands him extra money. This whole “let’s hand people envelopes of cash on camera so we look nice and charitable” thing Lisa and Ken have been doing is weird. Now I’m wondering if James and Jeremy are their drug dealers?? Whoa. Mind blown.
Anyway. Lisa gives James his job at SUR back.
I’ll say it. James has been the MVP of this season. He’s honestly been so chill except for the fact that he got his job back and immediately just reignited his scoring card with Jax. Well, shit.
Stassi introduces Patrick to Lisa.
Patrick: That’s amazing, I can’t wait to meet her.
Internal Patrick: Set me on fire.
Stassi: Lisa, this is my boyfriend Patrick.
Patrick: Nice to meet you.
Lisa: Actually we’ve met before.
BURN! Lisa: 1. Douchenoodle: 0
Patrick said that he likes watching Lisa walk away. I suppress a gag reflex. It’s a fun time all around. Stassi wastedly slurs, “I’m gonna explain Patrick. I love him because we’re both dry and sarcastic.”
Two important things here. One, Stassi is clearly fucked up on Xanax and alcohol, which is a very dangerous combo. The girl is incoherent. Two, Stassi has an extremely low bar when it comes to love! Oh, you love him because he’s sarcastic? Do you also love a guy who’s alternative and wears Converse? Give me a fucking break.
Jax is telling James “when you love someone, you set them free.” That’s ironic, because in like, 10 seconds we’re about to watch Jax lose his shit at Brittany and attempt to weasel his way back into a relationship by refusing to leave her alone by moving into the apartment next door, like a fucking psychopath.
I LITERALLY JUST HEARD BRITTANY SAY about Jax, “I’ve been letting him control me and run me down for way too long.” Brittany! BRITTANY! Do you not hear yourself when you speak?
Brittany pulls Jax aside (WHY) and it’s the same fucking, “Yeah. Sure. I’m wrong. I’m wrong. I’ve never done anything for you?” broken record that we’ve heard from Jax all fucking season anytime Brittany tries to stand up for herself. At this point I’m not sure that Bravo didn’t just splice the audio in from every fight Jax and Brittany had this season.
Jax and Brittany argue over Jax taking the apartment down the hall. Jax says, “Jesus Christ himself could not keep me from taking that apartment.” Brittany seems to forget that she could easily move? I would honestly pay Brittany’s fees to break her lease just to get her the fuck out of this toxic relationship. (Don’t quote me.)
Katie and Lisa are talking in a corner, covertly, about how barred out Stassi is, and how much Patrick sucks. I hope Patrick is reading this, oh my fucking god. Dude, you’re trash. No wait, trash is better than this. You’re wet trash. Hot wet trash.
OH HOLY SHIT Lisa pulls up a chair to Stassi and Patrick to be like “Ok guys here’s the fuckin deal.”
Me: *grabs popcorn*
Lisa: I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt about that comment about watching me leave.
Patrick: No I was definitely talking about your ass.
Everyone in the nation who respects women:
Then he proceeds to talk about Lisa’s ass for another FEW MINUTES. I wish I could reach through the fucking TV screen to smack the grin of Patrick’s face. Damn, is this what it feels like to be a parent?
This exchange ends with Lisa walking away while Stassi apologizes…? What the fuck? I hate what this dude does to her, reducing her to a blubbering puddle of apologies. This dude is the fucking poster boy for white male mediocrity. Kristen being like “He came for you and I’m so happy and so grateful.” You’re GRATEFUL this dude came to a free party with free fucking alcohol and free, unparalleled, networking and publicity opportunities for his shitty fucking radio show? God, to be a white male in this age.
So I have a theory about Stassi and Patrick that I’d like to share. I think that all these seasons past, they were never really dating—they were just hooking up and talking a lot while he’d take her on dates but refuse to put a label on it because “labels are a tool of Hallmark to sell greeting cards” or whatever dumb pseudo-intellectual bullshit I’m sure Patrick subscribes to. Now, with his agreement to appear on Vanderpump Rules, Patrick has finally relented to being Stassi’s official boyfriend. THAT’S why she’s falling over herself this season to not make Patrick angry with her.
Jax and Lisa sit down to talk. He’s like “I’m so sorry for how I acted the other night. I’ve never done that much coke before. Uh, I mean, I’ve never acted like that before. I was like, possessed or something.”
Jax: I’ve ruined everybody’s life.
Look, y’all are not going to get any sympathy from me for those crocodile tears. Jax is troubled, yes, and his problems can’t be reduced to a simple “grow the fuck up” like Lisa says. At the same time, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is one of the most difficult personality disorders to cure.
Okay, so Lisa doesn’t fire Jax so he can’t play the victim? That is kind of stupid. Lisa says “Why don’t you hand me your fucking resignation like you should have done a long time ago.” Holy shit. He verbally quits, but like his breakup with Brittany, I’d bet my future mortgage that it doesn’t stick.
This episode ends in a place I don’t like—Jax, ultimately, gets to play the victim. Lisa, what a self-fulfilling prophecy you just created. He’s just bared his soul (or what semblance of a soul he has), he walks away into the night and nobody follows him, and overall it’s a very sympathetic ending for him. If he comes back next season as some kind of “transformed hero” like Katie did this season, I swear to god I will shit.
And with that, I leave you. We had a good run, everybody. I will see you all for the reunions, because Andy Cohen and Lisa Vanderpump are trying to kill me.
Images: Giphy (4); Bravo (2)