We made it to another Vanderpump Rules, and to be honest, I forgot what happened last week. So I read my last Vanderpump Rules recap, and I was right to not remember any of it because nothing fucking happened. Hopefully Vanderpump Rules season 6 episode 17 (can’t believe I’m more than 3 months into this, send help) will not disappoint me.
Christ, we are STILL in Mexico in what’s got to be the longest vacation ever.
Katie, Kristen, and Stassi are on the beach and Katie drops the bomb shell that Schwartz said Kristen and James hooked up the night before.
And then, in some punk-ass bullshit maneuver, Bravo cuts to 12 hours earlier. Don’t do this, Bravo. You’re not M Night Shyamalan. Tell me a linear tale.
So okay, 12 hours earlier, we’re back at this club where James convinces this random Mexican DJ to let him play his song, probably at gunpoint by some producer off-stage. Actually, I lied, this was definitely written in the contract with this club. “You’re going to let these people party for free, and you’re going to have to play this guy’s music and pretend he just mumbled a real request to you in broken Spanish, and in return we will give the name of your establishment one split-second of screen time.”
James asking the DJ to play his song: Donde esta la biblioteca, Pedro?
This scene is so weird, it’s like Kristen maybe hitting on James punctuated by James taking tequila to the face. Also did no one catch Jax straight-up stealing a bottle of vodka from the club by putting it in his pants? The man has issues.
The next morning, Jax and Brittany are STILL talking about Scheana. Didn’t we discuss this ad nauseum last episode? Am I in the fucking twilight zone? Jesus, take the wheel.
Jax tells Brittany that he spotted Kristen and James drinking in a pool together at 7:30am. I’d like to point out that one Reddit sleuth (can’t remember who, sry) predicted last week that the whole “Kristen had an anxiety attack in the middle of the night” story line was a cover-up for Kristen hooking up with James that night. Reddit is truly an amazing place. Shouts out to r/BravoRealHousewives.
Jax playing detective right now is honestly amazing.
Jax: We have the suspects, Kristen and James.
Jax: Next we have the hot tub. This is the setting.
Me, internally: Fashion magazines line the walls now / the walls line the bullet holes *grabs eyeliner* (Anyone who understood that gets a special prize from me.)
Jax, 2 hours later: Because isn’t the first cardinal rule of perm maintenance that you’re forbidden to wet your hair for at least 24 hours after getting a perm at the risk of deactivating the immonium thygocolate?
Move over, Elle Woods.
Over in Beverly Hills, Ken and Lisa are considering taking in another dog. At what point do they just own a fucking zoo?
K back in Mexico where the real action is, the guys are going golfing. But will there be bulldozers there?
Katie: Tom what are you doing?
Schwartz: In a sense I’m brushing my teeth, but in a realer, deeper sense, I have no clue.
That’s real af.
Lala got flowers from Randall, and Lala asks Scheana if Rob ever gives her flowers.
Scheana: I don’t really like flowers.
Lala: Does he get you gifts?
Scheana: I don’t like gifts.
And here we have the height of Scheana’s delusion. As if her own wedding wasn’t a shrine to her own narcissism and materialistic tendencies. At this point, I don’t even feel bad for her because Rob is showing ALLL the signs that he’s not into her at all. Lala could be like “Well does Rob take you out to eat?” and Scheana would be like “Well I don’t really like food, so I don’t even mind.” “Does Rob let you stay over at his place?” “Well I don’t really like to sleep at all, so I don’t even care.” I could keep going with this for the next two hours.
Watching these guys play golf is kind of a metaphor for me trying to accomplish anything in life. I needed this right now.
Meanwhile Jax tells the story of James and Kristen supposedly hooking up. Right as Sandoval asks James if he hung out with Kristen the night before, we cut to commercial because Bravo is really going to try me today. K. So it’s gonna be like that.
I’m sorry, did I watch the same clip? Sandoval asks if they hung out and James said “yeah a little bit” and Jax heard “yeah we hooked up.” Which version did y’all hear? Now I’m genuinely concerned.
Oh I’m so happy Peter is speaking.
Peter: We have two deflectors deflecting against each other. Jax is deflecting because of his relationship with Brittany, and James is deflecting the deflection because he maybe hooked up with Kristen.
Me: Say deflect again.
It’s pretty rich that James thinks Raquel is going to be Miss USA. In order to do that, isn’t she going to have to string together a coherent sentence? Cause that’s going to be hard for her.
Okay honestly, why am I rooting for James rn? He’s calling Jax out, saying he does’t want Jax to bring him back down to the person he was, and calls Jax a bully.
Sandoval: Come on James I’ll kill you if you fucking cry right now
Are you kidding me? ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Tom Sandoval, the Nick Viall of Vanderpump Rules, the human water work himself, is going to kill JAMES for crying? I’m gonna go open up a bank account because this is fucking rich.
Scheana and Brittany get a massage, and Scheana reveals how much she truly sucks.
Scheana: I’m glad Jax feels insecure. That makes me happy.
Honestly Scheana, diabolical isn’t a good look on you. Try a new angle for screen time. Jax sucks and is probably abusive, yes, but if you claim to be his friend you shouldn’t be happy when he feels insecure.
Lala and Ariana join them at the spa where the entire James/Kristen hookup rumors are rehashed. This is punctuated by shots of naked Kristen in the shower. Lala graces us with the following nugget of wisdom:
“Once the dick has entered one of your holes, it’s easy for it to re-enter.”
Me: *stares blankly into space for the next 15 minutes* I’m putting that on a cross-stitch.
At the bar that will soon be Tom Tom, we have to talk about a few things. First off, looks like Lisa did take in this new dog, but she put a ponytail on it for no explicable reason. This dog’s lookin like Lala circa Katie’s engagement party, and it is a crime! #StopWhitePeople2K18
Ok now we’re back at the beach, picking back up where we left off with Stassi, Katie and Kristen. Kristen’s immediate response is “bull fucking shit”.
And here we go with victim-blaming: Stassi says, “Kristen, you can’t put yourself in these situations.” Would it even be an episode of Vanderpump Rules without some casual sexism coming from the women?
Katie: Kristen I’m not accusing you of anything.
Kristen: But you literally just did tho.
I’m kind of team Kristen rn, and it’s not just because she was in our office for like, 30 seconds yesterday.
Everyone else joins at the beach and immediately Kristen accosts them. OKAY BUT NOW WE ROLLED THE TAPE and Sandoval CLEARLY SAID “Did you HANG OUT WITH Kristen” not “Did you HOOK UP WITH Kristen.” This is a fucking set-up.
It’s also brought up that Schwartz got so drunk he ended up at a different resort, which was cute when my friend did it at the Phi Delt frat formal in PCB, less so when you’re a grown-ass man in another country. I think I will have my writer write that think piece she pitched on Schwartz’s drinking problem.
Peter goes into James’ room to confront him about the Kristen rumors. James doesn’t address the obvious thing, which is that Sandoval only asked if they HUNG OUT, and instead goes on a rant about Jax’s projection. Which is like, accurate, in my opinion, but still doesn’t get to the heart of the issue at hand. It’s official: I am in the fucking twilight zone. Send help.
This episode is honestly the most convoluted game of telephone I have ever seen. Which producer manipulated this? It’s amazing work, but wow, dark stuff.
Shit I forgot that Stassi and Patrick are still together at this point.
Anyway, this group dinner is super boring, UNTIL Kristen makes a toast.
Wow, Jax telling James to own what he says is fucking riiiiich!!! “Rich” is the only adjective I’m able to come up with this week. Deal with it.
Oh wow holy shit. James says “Jax is a fat fucktard who can’t stop cheating on his fat girlfriend” and I’m fucking outta here. This is truly a sight to see. You can watch the gears turning in James’ head where he’s like “Well clearly I’m not gonna convince these people that I didn’t hook up with Kristen, so…” *gears turning* “Alright fuck y’all I don’t give a fuck what you say, I’m bout to take shots indiscriminately at all of you and then drop the mic and fuckin’ bounce.”
Kristen then gets up and throws a drink in James’ face. Finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for.
Okay, so Lala thinks throwing a drink in someone’s face is “the lowest of the low” but shoving someone to the ground is “a bad-ass move”? I really wanted to like her a lot more than I do, but I can’t. Not when you say shit like this. Do I think wasting a drink to pour on someone is foolish? Yes. Is it an impulse I have ever had in my life? No. Is it worse than literally assaulting someone??? Not where I live, which is apparently the twilight zone.
Goodbye, y’all. I can’t do this anymore. See you next week.