‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: There Are Dark Times Ahead

What’s good, witches and warlocks of WeHo? I hope you all enjoyed my think piece on why Vanderpump Rules has stopped being fun, and now, you may witness me continue to watch and report on Vanderpump Rules season 6 episode 16 anyway. What can I say, they don’t pay me the big zero extra dollars for nothing. Lol, fuck. *Reevaluates life, choices, morals*

The episode opens with Stassi and Lala planning to have an intervention on Brittany. I’ve got to point out the irony that Stassi dated Jax for four years. I bet she would have flipped a shit if anyone tried to tell her what to do. Not to be a Sandoval, I’m just saying.

Kristen has had enough alcohol to inebriate a small army, and James is removing bottle caps with his teeth. Somewhere, four out of five dentists are cringing.

James asks Jax what would happen if Brittany doesn’t follow him to Tampa.

Jax: I don’t think that’s gonna happen, I mean, I’ve been putting two years’ worth of groundwork into making sure she thinks she’s nothing without me.

I paraphrase.

Meanwhile, Kristen is falling on the beach Snooki style, and we’re having our yearly mandated skinny dipping session. This show is so predictable I could scream.
Snooki

Brittany: If I’ve learned one thing this girls’ trip, it’s how important these girls are to me.

Yeah, seeing my friends topless really does that for me too.

At the end of the night, Lala makes herself AN ACTUAL BABY BOTTLE to go to sleep. She calls it her “Baba” which is even worse. Is it too low-hanging fruit to make a daddy issues joke? It probably is, but fuck it, we were all thinking it. I also just got wayyyy too detailed a glimpse into Lala and Randall’s relationship, and I am really not okay with it. I did not consent to this deep dive into Lala’s kinks, okay, Bravo? Between the “Baba” (*dies a little bit inside*) and Lala’s sweatshirt that says “daddys” on the back with pictures of Randall and her ACTUAL FATHER on it, it’s all too much for me to handle. Here is the offending sweatshirt, for those of you who don’t follow this crew of waste baskets on social media like it’s your job, because it sort of is your job:

Thank you @carloscantuart for the amazing art you do, on top of sending me this bad ass shirt. Love you, boo

A post shared by Give Them Lala (@lalakent) on

Also, why is NOBODY TALKING ABOUT how Lala’s dad looks like the actual fucking joker in these drawings? If my dad looked like that, I would develop reverse daddy issues and try to only fuck people who look like the physical opposite of my dad. *Thinks back to current body count history* Oh wait, I kinda already do that. Hmm.

Over at Katie and Tom’s, the exact opposite is happening, with Schwartz doing the baby voice and Katie dodging pizza that Schwartz is drunkenly getting everywhere. Katie says “Tom is beyond wasted, but he’s cute,” which just furthers my theory that the only reason Katie and Tom haven’t gotten divorced yet is because Katie has given up on sticking to any of her boundaries. With love, anything is possible.

Stassi comes in to third wheel, as she does, because apparently Kristen is being “difficult,” but none of us really know what that means.

Apparently, as with most fights on this show, this one actually stems from a trip Kristen, Stassi, and Rachael took to Europe a while ago. On the last night in their trip to Copenhagen, Kristen had a breakdown and they left her behind in Copenhagen and went to Paris. I’m sorry, are you kidding  me? You LEFT YOUR FRIEND BEHIND in another fucking country? Isn’t that like, the opening sequence to the movie Taken? I don’t even leave my friends behind in a bar in the city in which we live full-time—and trust me, my friends can get fucking annoying when they’re drunk. Jesus. With friends like these…

In the morning, we see Jax looking contemplatively at a rock he is holding. It is his “negativity rock” and Kelsey gave it to him, and he has probably already masturbated while looking at this rock four times on this vacation. There is a moment where Brittany considers saying something about how dumb it is to have a “negativity rock”, but probably realizes it’s not worth the hours of yelling and straight insults that will occur if she does.

Vanderpump Rules season 6 episode 16

The gang goes to a water park. Brittany looks at a lizard and says, “he looks like a lil’ dinosaur! I love it!” Somebody please explain to this woman how reptiles work. Ugh, Brittany, you beautiful naive newborn baby.

I’m listening to Stassi complain about Kristen, and I’m just not really feeling any sympathy. If you want to sleep in complete silence without anyone bothering you… book a single room. They exist for a reason. Feel like we’re missing a key piece of this “fight,” because I don’t see why Kristen acting “annoying” would trigger such a meltdown from Stassi. Then again… it is Stassi. So, maybe that’s all there is to it.

Jax and Brittany talk about the job in Tampa and Jax actually says, “I never thought you wouldn’t be on board so I didn’t think I’d have to convince you.” (Subtext: Damn I guess I gotta ramp shit up if she’s still thinking for herself.)

Meanwhile, Kristen is off in the woods somewhere, rage texting. Stassi’s ability to make Kristen’s discomfort about her is truly astounding. I love that Stassi is like “I would do anything to room by myself.” EXCEPT FOR BOOK A SINGLE ROOM. 
Stassi: The worst part is I can’t go anywhere. Kristen terrorizes me. I have ISIS in my hotel room.

Nope, sorry guys, I’m not even going to unpack this. I’m just going to leave it there for all of us to ponder while we contemplate the future of humanity and how much longer we as a species will make it.

James tells Jax that Scheana was trying to set Brittany up with Adam, and now I’m just nervous for Brittany because Jax will probably take this out on her. Also James, snitches get stitches! To quote Lala, you tryna get popped? No you’re right I can’t get away with saying that either. Still, I think James should have kept his mouth shut.

All right, so are we gonna get all up in arms about Katie “body-shaming” Schwartz for his “pooch” and “dad bod”? Because if the sexes were reversed we’d be all over that shit. Just saying. #GenderEquality.

Scheana: I’m so glad I don’t get WiFi because I can be present in this trip.
Scheana 2 seconds later: *FaceTimes Rob to tell her how she’s present on this trip.*

WHAT IS IT LIKE LIVING THAT FAR REMOVED FROM REALITY? I know I ask it every week, but every week Scheana goes deeper and deeper into her delusions. It’s honestly quite concerning. Does she like…see the same world we see? I really wish I could witness things through her eyes, if only for a day.

Jax tells Brittany she looks sexy, which is the nicest thing he’s said to her in… this entire season. He confronts her about Adam, and here is actual footage of Jax refraining from blowing up at Brittany:

Breath Holding Kid Meme

I’d just like to say that James’ American accent was the only shining light in this episode. Everything else has been boring af.

I’m so glad that Lala is out here always talking about how her “kitty can take the D like a champ” while simultaneously comparing James to a “girl who gives it up on the first date” in relation to his newfound friendship with Jax. Mostly I’m glad because we already wrote an article on Lala’s hypocritical feminism, so I don’t even need to rehash the same points. Pray tell me, Lala, what is so bad about “giving it up” on the first date? Even the phrase “giving it up” is rooted in slut-shaming and goes against everything you supposedly stand for. 

Girl Bye

Scheana’s STILL talking about how “handy” Rob is and retells the story about how he put a TV on the wall in under seven minutes. My favorite moment of this entire episode was probably everyone zoning out (same) while Scheana whines, “Listen, I’m talking. Kristen, I’m talking.”

I really dislike Lala telling James she wants him to share more about his private life with everyone, and THEN telling everyone how bullies used to break James’ legs. She is so fucking gross! How dare she force James’ hand and make him tell everyone that? I would honestly probably commit a murder if one of my so-called “friends” put me on the spot to divulge my personal shit that I obviously didn’t want to tell anyone or else I fucking would have done it already on my own.

Kristen’s advice to James is “just be kind, ya know?” Wow. She’s really a fountain of wisdom these days. What’s next, “calm down”? 

Yeah if you couldn’t tell, I got like zero sleep last night and am 3,000% done with everybody’s shit.

Looking at this screenshot of Scheana’s reaction to this penis flute, and I just had a lot of thoughts about Rob. I’m sorry, I can’t help it. You know you were thinking it too.

Vanderpump Rules season 6 episode 16

They’re at some club, and Schwartz is waterfalling tequila straight into his mouth. This isn’t going to end well.

Sandoval decides to go up to Scheana to bring up the Adam thing. Does anyone in this group understand the proper time or place to have a serious conversation? Or is it just mandated in their contracts that they can only bring up rumors when wasted and in a public place that serves alcohol?

Look, Jax and Sandoval are completely right. It’s extremely fucked up that Scheana is trying to set Brittany up with someone while Brittany is still with Jax. It’s infantalizing, and kind of gross. Yes, the theme of this week’s episode is “gross”.
Scheana: I’m trying to be a friend to you and Brittany.
Jax: How is that being a friend to me?
Scheana: By being a friend to Brittany.
Me, trying to figure out how that makes ANY FUCKING SENSE IN THIS WORLD:

White Lady Confused

Ugh now Brittany is getting brought into the mix. Jax says to her, “Listen if you wanted to leave me, you would have left a long time ago.” Anddd this episode just got way too dark to handle, because now we know that Jax knows that there are basically no consequences for his actions since Brittany didn’t leave him after he cheated. There are dark times ahead, my friends. And with that, I leave you.