Tom Sandoval Updated Us On His Friendship With Jax Taylor: ‘I Would Never Consider Jax A Safe Place’

It’s hard to believe that this season of Vanderpump Rules is already coming to a close, but we can’t watch Dayna go back and forth between Brett and Max forever. While the coronavirus pandemic has brought service at SUR and TomTom to a halt, things with our favorite crew of (mostly former) SURvers and bartenders are still heating up. Last week, the Pump Rules crew sat down to film their first ever virtual reunion, because no virus can stop Bravo from bringing us the drama we need.

This week, Vanderpump Rules OG Tom Sandoval stopped by the Mention It All Podcast, and he updated us on his furniture situation, how TomTom is handling the quarantine, and of course, all things VPR. There’s been a lot going on on season 8 of Vanderpump Rules, but one constant theme has been Tom and Ariana’s lack of furniture in their new house. Tom’s explanation? He and Ariana are “two extra motherf*ckers,” and they wanted to take their time to get their home exactly right. In what may or may not have been a dig at some of his costars, he said that “the last thing we would ever do is buy staging furniture with the house.” Catch that shade?

Nearing the end of a “really intense” season, one of the biggest storylines has been Jax Taylor’s inexplicable issues with Tom, and particularly his relationship with Ariana. Speaking on this, Tom says that he doesn’t understand “what his obsession is,” but that he “would never consider Jax a safe place.” I have a feeling these two won’t be patching things up at the reunion, as Tom noted that we’ll see some of his cast mates “continuing to not evolve as human beings.” Tom wasn’t about to spoil anything, but that has Jax Taylor written all over it.

Speaking of the reunion, doing things virtually turned out to be quite a production. Your glitchy company Zoom meeting, this was not. Tom says that production went to “crazy lengths to film this reunion,” delivering complicated tech setups to each cast member’s home, and spending hours remotely helping them set it all up. Tom promises that, despite the circumstances, “the quality is going to be good,” and I can’t wait to see how this season ends. You can listen to the full episode of Mention It All with Tom Sandoval below, and click here to subscribe to get all the newest episodes.

Images: Eugene Powers / Shutterstock.com

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Reunion Part 2 Recap: Sandoval Wins

Last week, we ended the Vanderpump Rules season 7 reunion with Jax yelling at James about how his life is better than James’s, and Sandoval yelling to defend James, and Andy yelling at all of them to shut the f*ck up.

This week, we pick right back up with Brittany yelling at James for pretending like he cared about Jax and James admitting he doesn’t give a f*ck about Jax. Sandoval butts in to point out that Jax talks sh*t about Raquel, so obviously James is going to talk sh*t about Brittany.

After the infamous “guys, shut the f*ck up,” Lisa says “yay” (same, girl) and Jax walks off stage muttering that Tom isn’t in his wedding party anymore and Beau is taking his spot. I take that about as seriously as I take anything Jax has ever said, which is to say, not with a single degree of gravity. Lisa calls James over to tell him to chill out. James immediately starts crying. (Same, girl.) I get where James is coming from; I don’t think any of us would remain totally calm and collected with seven people yelling in our face for the past hour. James’ problem, though, is that he thinks saying sorry is a catch-all that undoes all the damage of saying something bad. That’s not how this works!

We come back with Andy asking Jax how he says he’s changed.

Jax: You know I’m not just attacking everybody.

Did any of us watch Jax like, ten minutes ago? If that’s not considered attacking everybody, then what is? No, that’s not a rhetorical question: I would seriously like to know.

Andy brings up how Sandoval called Jax a recovering sociopath. Jax tries to pull his, “well why can’t you just be happy for me at all times and baby me and treat me with kid gloves every time I refrain from doing something deplorable?” act, and Sandoval argues that calling Jax on his sh*t IS being a good friend. Yes, thank you. That IS how this works.

Lisa: I think Jax is fundamentally a good person
Me: 

I find it funny how far people will go in their own cognitive dissonance/mental gymnastics to distance themselves from their sh*tty friends, because they know that you generally are the company you keep, and they don’t see themselves as sh*tty. *Gets up from armchair, where I have earned an honorary psychology degree* Jax, a fundamentally good person? Ok. I am sure OJ Simpson’s friends probably thought he was a pretty cool guy to have a beer with also. Where do we draw the line??

Speaking of things that have not changed, Jax still doesn’t want to talk about how he cheated with Faith! Sure, brush that under the rug. That will bode well for your marriage. Lisa calls him a victim (because he didn’t consent to have Faith recording him) and James mutters under his breath that Jax was a victim of sex. James may be horrible, but at least he has funny one-liners. I feel like Jax was chiefly a victim of his own poor decision-making, although California is a two-party consent state with regards to digital recordings, so fine, I’ll give him this.

We bring up Ariana and Lala’s hookup, which I forgot about until right this moment. The funny thing is that happened a year ago and it just got brought up on camera. Sandoval is a messy bitch. Schwartz is getting visibly turned on as they recount this. I need a shower.

Andy is like, “Brittany, this is a good time to admit you hooked up with Kristin.” Brittany is now going from “it didn’t happen” to “I don’t remember.” So we can close the book that this definitely happened. Kristen ate the Kentucky muffin. Case closed.

We revisit the history of Stassi and Ariana’s friendship. Truly I don’t care about this,even though it’s a feel-good moment. But that’s not why we are here, even if I do like this friendship! 

Lol Andy asks Lisa why Kristen wasn’t invited to the Tom Tom party. Kristen is literally on the verge of tears as this happens. I guess she’s over it, huh?

Lisa: I’m not that close to Kristen.
Andy: You don’t say?

Lmfao I laughed out loud and, especially when Lisa said, “I do say.” Lisa, that is a common expression. 

We interrupt the reunion for Sandoval to take Andy on a spin on the motorcycle. Cool, this could have easily been cut. But sure, I have nowhere else to be.

Sandoval: Gloves
Andy, in his best Schwartz impression: I love gloves!

Hahah. Do you think they planned for the motorcycle to break down two feet out of the parking lot? Or did it actually break? This was a great use of $15,000.

We come back to this reunion to talk about Stassi’s #OOTD Day. Does anyone care? No. Moving on; I won’t bother recapping this.

Okay so now we are talking about Katie giving Lisa an ultimatum. We all remember when this happened; I’m not recounting it. Andy is basically like, “how come you demanded James be fired when you yelled at Lala at SUR?” Katie’s award-winning excuse? “That was two years ago.” Oh okay, good to know the statute of limitations on bad behavior is two years. Katie also says “that’s not who I am. I have a mean streak, I have a sharp tongue, but anyone who knows me knows that’s not me.” Ummm, yeah, idk, I think that very obviously is you, by your own admission.

Also Katie: I’m mean, I say terrible things, I make everything about me, I lob low blows at my loved ones every time someone calls me out on my sh*t, but everybody who knows me knows I’m not like that at all.

Next, we all jump on the “pile on James” bandwagon. Sandoval says James is too quick to apologize, and everybody starts sharpening their pitchforks because Sandoval dared to seemingly defend James. Ariana, visibly pissed, translates: Sandoval is saying that James should not apologize if he doesn’t mean it, because then his apologies don’t mean anything and nobody gets anywhere. That, truly, is the heart of why nobody is willing to forgive him this time around: because James always says sorry, he never means it, and he never rectifies his behavior. He’s the boy who cried apology, so now he has zero credibility. If he wants to get back in with this group, he’s going to have to (gasp) actually change.

Damn, Katie segues this into a larger conversation about how everyone is always sh*tting on her body, from James to people on social media. Ok sis, go off. James claims Katie called him anorexic and skinny, though. This group? Hypocritically body-shaming each other, and then using that body-shaming to conveniently attract sympathy? Never! Sandoval yells that Katie called Lala a whore and waited two years (and until a private jet was on the table—my addition, not his) to apologize. THEN we get another dogpile on Sandoval for “sticking up for James,” when really, as Sandoval yells, the problem is not that James is worth defending, but that they are all f*cking hypocrites. Claps for Sandoval. Sandoval wins the reunion.

After the break, Billie Lee comes to the stage. This is uncomfortable because nobody wants her there. Apparently Billie had a thing with Max. Max claimed they made out but Billie told Lisa they were having sex. YIKES. Why would you tell THE GUY’S MOM THAT YOU BANGED? I’m cringing into myself like that episode of Ren & Stimpy where Stimpy goes inside his own belly button. Get Billie off the stage; this is only the beginning and I can’t take it anymore.

Oh jesus f*cking Christ, we are revisiting the Girls Night saga again. I’m not mentally prepared to go through this a millionth time. (But like, of course I knew we would do this.) Katie claims not inviting Billie was an oversight. Billie is still on the “I never said transphobic” train. Girl, that is splitting hairs if I’ve ever seen it.

Ummm Lisa claims it’s “devastating” for Billie to insinuate that they’re not all 100% supportive of the LGBTQ community. She SPECIFICALLY calls out all the girls for being supportive. Lisa, are you on drugs? Or did you not witness when Billie tried to explain her perspective, AS A TRANS WOMAN, to Lala, and Lala told her to sit down because she’s dismissed? Did you also miss when none of them acknowledged they have cis privilege, because they refused to believe that is even a real concept? Lisa is just upset that Billie is daring to say something publicly that could impact her business. This is seriously f*cking gross.

Stassi now is talking about how being called transphobic is “damning”, especially when this group “has been so supportive”. What kind of Lena Dunham-ass white woman sh*t is this? Oh ya, being called transphobic  is totally the worst thing that can happen to you, except for, ya know, the disproportionate rates of violence trans people actually experience.

Katie is like, “I have a husband, I have sh*t going on, I can’t just take the time to be like, ‘is Billie going to be offended by this?’” So you admit it then: you’re not a real ally! You can’t have it both ways. If you’re not going to take the time to consider how your public actions may affect marginalized people’s feelings then you really are not a true ally. Come on. These people are gross. Let’s just have them drink and do Adderall and not even try to tackle bigger issues, because it’s making me upset.

I do not really have the time today to revisit all of Lala’s crazy actions at SUR this week, but I signed up for this. *Deep sighs* let’s go.

I’ll tell you what I do have time for, though: QUEEN ARIANA coming for every single one of these people who actively made fun of her when her dad died. JAX HIMSELF said Ariana “played the Dad card.” Woooooooooooooooooo

Me, 2,000 years later: ooooooooowwwwwwwww.

And this is, in a word, why I don’t want to watch this show anymore. It’s truly astounding. Do these people all lack basic memory processing, or are they that deep in denial? Or do they simply pretend and lie to themselves that they’ve never done the very same terrible things they are icing other people out for doing, as a method of self-preservation and staying on the show? Whatever the reason, I’m not sure it’s enough to willingly subject myself to this stress and spike in blood pressure, week after week. Don’t come for me in the comments. I need a long break from this hypocritical flaming diaper filled with gas station sushi. Good thing this sh*t will be off the air until December.

Apparently Billie called Lala the Donald Trump of Sur because she projects nonstop. Lol. I don’t think that’s the biggest criticism you could have of Trump, or even the most accurate one. Lala defends calling Billie trash by saying she acted like trash that day. Billie, in turn, says that Lala acts like a high-class prostitute all the time. I mean, true, but at least she’s high-class. Surprisingly, Lala doesn’t even take the bait at that. 

Growth

Is that actually growth? I don’t really know.

We revisit Lala yelling at Raquel and Billie during the bruch. Lala says she would do it again. I mean, I guess I can admire that Lala stands by her actions. Lisa says she was acting aggressive, and her argument against that claim is, “I didn’t actually draw blood so I wasn’t aggressive.” Yes, good job Lala! Good job on not copping an assault charge. We’re making a medal for you as we speak—just gotta wait on the engraving.

Billie says what we’re all thinking and asks if Lala was on something that day. Kristen then jumps in, again, for nO REASON AT ALL, to try to defend Lala, who keeps saying “I got this babe” over her. Kristen. YOU DON’T EVEN GO HERE. Stop inserting yourself into every narrative. Your presence is completely unnecessary here.

On a lighter note that quickly gets darker, Tom and Ariana bought a house, which we all knew because we follow them on social media. Apparently they all bought houses next to each other, doing their best efforts to secure that this show will continue on for years. God help us all.

Andy brings up what we’re all thinking, but none of us want to become reality: They’re all going to start having babies soon. Lord Jesus, fix it. Brittany says she can’t wait to be a mom, and “as soon as it feels right, it’s going to happen.” Full yikes. Imagine what Jax is going to do when Brittany can’t have sex on command because she is carrying a child. Wait, actually… maybe I don’t want this show to end. Hmmm…

Andy asks Ariana why she hates why she gets so sick of people asking when she is going to have kids. I’ll take this one for her. BECAUSE WOMEN ARE WORTH MORE THAN THEIR WOMBS.

Lala talks about her sobriety, saying that what really did it was she went to Disneyworld and was drunk for four days straight (same girl x 3), and then got on the plane and was face-chugging from a bottle. Seems like a productive step; will she stop pointing and yelling in people’s faces like she’s on an episode of Bad Girls Club now? Time will tell.

This obviously segues into talking about James’s sobriety. James claims he’s not drinking and partying because he’s been DJing a lot and working a lot. First of all, those things are not mutually exclusive. In fact, I would argue that you probably need to be on something in order to be a DJ in earnest. Kristen says “I’m so f*cking tired of this narrative.” Okay Kristen, I am thoroughly exhausted by YOUR narrative. Sandoval tries to not-so- subtly imply that James’s downfall is mixing coke and drinking. He says, “yeah but your problem is when you mix alcohol and other things,” to which James replies, “I smoke weed,” to which Sandoval clarifies, “no I mean uppers”.

Me, when Sandoval finally admits what we in the secret Facebook groups and on Reddit have known for years, that they are all on coke:

I can’t believe they didn’t edit that out!! James tells Sandoval to shut his mouth. Lisa jumps in to be like, “don’t talk to him like that, he’s had your back this whole time.” Yeah, Lisa, but he just outed James as a cokehead! I’d tell whoever did that to shut their mouth also.

Kristen says “the one person who’s had your back this entire time, and that’s how you speak to him.” I audibly said out loud, while my friend was sitting next to me grading papers, “Kristen, shut the f*ck up.” My friend was confused. I stood by my statement.

James tries to stick up for himself to Andy, and Stassi starts making fun of him, so James calls Stassi’s extensions ugly. I mean, they look great IMO. Also it’s crazy (and gross) how James’s first instinct is always to insult a woman’s appearance, when there is so much about these women’s choices and personalities that he could make fun of.

Andy asks James if he is still helping his family, and James says he’s helping them a lot. He says “I don’t want to go into detail about how much,” And Kristen says, in a terrible British accent. “Of course you don’t. Cause you want to act like you’re the only one who’s ever helped out your family like we haven’t all.” Andy says what I have been saying for two consecutive weeks, on repeat like the broken record I am: “Kristen, why are you chiming in every time someone opens their mouth?” Kristen says it’s because she’s f*cking sick of , because I guess she can’t say that she needs to cling to something to stay on the show.

Stassi, for some reason, is personally offended by this and says that she has done a lot for her family also. Cool, I’m sure she has, it’s not a zero-sum game! James helping his family doesn’t mean y’all don’t. These two things have nothing to do with each other. If each member of VPR helping out their families was part of a Venn diagram, each circle would be on a different page. 

Kristen is saying that it’s not anyone’s business what they do for their families. I think the real issue at heart here is they don’t like that James is getting any sort of sympathetic edit or storyline. But of course they can’t say that, because this is a show.

Hahahah we bring up James’s train wreck of a mom. Lisa notes that James’s perception would be 100% negative if not for the parts we see about his family. And HERE is where Katie admits the truth. “Where’s my compassion?” she asks. “I’ve been going through a hell of a ride, Lisa,” she says, as if Lisa is in the editing room. As if Katie didn’t get a positive edit, like, all of last season. She brings up her brain injury (which happened before the show) and how it caused her to battle depression and PTSD. And, yes, Katie has been through a lot with her injury, but the only way I would feel sympathy for her is if somebody proved that her brain injury turned her into the mean, miserable person she’s been acting like on camera. Is that possible? Can we get a doctor in the house? 

Kristen starts sh*tting on James’s family, calling them cheap bastards. She literally says that James was raised by a bunch of assholes. Unlike the f*cking princes and princesses Kristen Doute was raised by. 

James walks out, saying “I’m not gonna let someone sh*t talk my family, if you don’t want me to rip their f*cking head off.”

Well, this sh*t has officially gone off the rails. I will see you all next week!

Images: Giphy (5)

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Reunion Part 1 Recap: Everyone Shut The F*ck Up

It’s not over yet, Pumpheads. Even though the Vanderpump Rules season 7 finale was last week, we’ve still got three—count ’em, THREE—weeks of reunions to get through. I truly can’t wait. It looks like things are going to get completely insane.

The way they are introducing the reunion is very annoying, with cuts of the gang getting ready inter-spliced with soundbites of everyone saying their best zingers. I will not be recapping that, and you all can deal, because we’re just going to view those same soundbites at some point anyway over the next three weeks.

Quick recap of the looks: Stassi looks amazing (but also appears to be wearing the same dress she wore in every talking head, and also the dress Kristen wore to get her mail back from Tom Sandoval post-breakup), Ariana looks equally amazing (but looks like she’s wearing the same dress as last year). I don’t actually hate Scheana’s look. Kristen looks a mess (why would she wear a huge silver choker with a glittery gold/copper dress?). Katie for once actually doesn’t look like a complete mess, keeping it simple with a black dress and a nice berry colored lip. Brittany looks like she is about to go to junior prom, but her hair looks great. Lisa looks like she’s about to go ring lead a circus? Which I suppose she is. So on that note, let’s dive in!

Vanderpump Rules Reunion Part 1

Andy spends 10 minutes doing a round of introductions, thanking James for bringing his cleft chin. This is like Andy’s roast portion of the evening.

Holy sh*t, Kristen is single at the time of the reunion taping and nobody even knew! However, she already appears to be back with Carter, so really this isn’t even worth pursuing as a line of inquiry.

We open with James’s complete fall from grace this season, and the infamous “Jax f*cked Faith” rap. Lisa asks James if he planned the rap, and he says condescendingly, “No Lisa, I didn’t plan the rap. It was a freestyle.” Jax says, “but out of all the things you could have freestyled and rapped, why did you choose that?” as if he had never said anything regretful in the spur of the moment. And that’s not to excuse James, but to point out, once again, that with the exception of probably Sandoval and Ariana, none of the people in this room have a leg to stand on when it comes to calling each other out for bad behavior.

Andy, thank God, does the Lord’s work and says to Jax that his reason for not forgiving James boiled down to, essentially, “how many mistakes is one person gonna make”? And in Andy’s words, “Jax, isn’t that a little rich coming from you?” Jax gives his oft-spoken speech of trying to be a better person and doing better and blah blah blah. Kristen tries to erase history and claim James was never part of the friend group, when James points out that Kristen put James into this group and show in the first place! If anybody out here reading this still likes Kristen—and I’m talking about current Kristen, not Crazy Kristen of days of yore—you’re not going to like this recap, because she’s officially gotten on my last nerve.

James clearly DGAF that he lost Lala as a friend, because he doesn’t believe that she’s really here for him I guess. Whatever, I don’t care. James has truly gone full cartoon villain status, and I’m both excited and nervous to see what next season brings for him. Kristen butts in for no reason to tell James to stop talking and stick up for Lala so she can keep that PJ invite.

We switch gears to talk about Scheana’s mess of a love life. Scheana says “I just date f*ckboys because they’re fun to hang out with and they’re hot to look at,” which is the best and realest thing Scheana has ever said in her life. She reveals that she and Adam are still hooking up—”hanging and banging,” she calls it—but not dating. I wonder what changed his mind from total revulsion? Was it the penguin?

Then it’s time for the Jax and Brittany show. Jax says that he and Brittany aren’t getting a prenup because he and Brittany are going to be together forever. Yikes. Said everyone who gets screwed over in divorce, ever. Honestly, good for Brittany. Get that bread. This is pretty much exactly the come-up scenario she wanted, so I can’t hate on it.

Lala and Randall are getting a prenup, however. Lala and Randall? Being smart? I am shocked. Andy brings up the fact that Randall has been on Flipping Out and KUWTK and yet, not Vanderpump Rules. Andy begs the question: is it fair that Lala doesn’t show all of her life on the show when everyone else does? Everyone else says no. Scheana tries to say, very diplomatically, that it is not quite fair. Lala’s response? “Find someone with a career.” I see her logic: Randall has a lot more to lose by being on this show—and in fact, history has shown us via Foftygate that on-air admissions could cost him a million dollars! But still, that was kind of harsh to come at innocent Shee-Shu that way.

Stassi tries to say that Beau is just as important as Randall, career-wise, and Beau is still on the show. Yeah, look, I don’t know how the movie business works, but Beau doesn’t have a character on Entourage based off of him, so I’m going to say that as gross as Randall is, Rand is probably more important.

Even Lisa agrees that Lala is being unfair by not putting Randall on the show, especially considering he hangs out with all the cast members (minus James Kennedy, which Kristen unnecessarily points out). I guess, but do we really need another terrible adult on this show of adults acting terribly? I think we’ve hit our quota.

Lala deflects, again, by telling Scheana that she brings sketchy dudes around who just want camera time. Which may very well be true, but how does that take away from everyone’s legitimate criticism that Lala has an unfair advantage by not putting Randall on the show? Oh right, it doesn’t. I swear, if I were half as good at deflection as any of these people, I would get so far in life.

Next we talk about Lisa trash talking Tom Tom. Cool, I still don’t care about this story line, and I never will. At this point I can only hope Tom Tom gets a spin-off so I can willfully not tune in. Tom tries to argue that Sly, with all her decades of experience, can’t compete with Sandoval, who has been working on the cocktail list for six to eight month. Um, I don’t know, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly how having decades of industry experience works. Then Ariana asks “well what about the frozen shot machine?” and Lisa spouts off some BS excuse about it not being there when Ken was planning the bar, and then it was too late by the time it came in. Ariana calls out that the frozen shot machine was sitting at the bar for three months, and Lisa just kind of says what I say to my boss when I very clearly f*cked up a big project but don’t want to accept responsibility: “Well, I don’t know!” (half-hearted shrug). This may be the first time we have gotten a glimpse of RHOBH Lisa Vanderpump. Is Frozen Shot Machine Gate the new PuppyGate? Stay tuned for more as Lisa continues to double down.

Then Katie is upset that the Toms have not received a salary. But do they actually even work at the restaurant? Also, it just started. Should they even expect to see any returns after, what, a year at most? I don’t know how these things work, but I don’t think you can expect to take a salary that quickly. At least, that’s what I’ve gathered from watching Shark Tank.

After commercial break, Raquel joins the reunion wearing a crazy dress that I’m sure we have all talked about ad nauseam, so I don’t need to discuss it further here. Instead, I will leave this Instagram upload from James Kennedy about a different dress Raquel recently wore.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

? imma put this right here ….. fofty said leave it. #fofmate

A post shared by James Kennedy (@itsjameskennedy) on

Raquel recently interviewed at SUR and Lisa confirms she will be working there. Katie’s mind is already spinning, trying to think of ways she can play the victim to get her fired. We revisit the rumors that Hope hooked up with James at Coachella, and Raquel says that Hope was never even at the house that they were renting. Hmm. Andy brings up a good point: What would Hope gain by lying that she hooked up with James? 

Raquel then goes into some weird pageant speech about how she started doing pageants because she has social anxiety, but she doesn’t even get to finish delivering her canned monologue because James starts taking shots at Brittany for unknown reasons, implying she’s not beautiful for not being a beauty queen (?) unless I’m looking too far into things. But the way they are scoffing at Raquel for calling herself a beauty queen when she… did pageants… seems petty.

Jax and Brittany immediately start yelling over Raquel. Ariana yells at them to shut up and Jax and Brittany take this as a personal affront. Remember, in this group, you’re only a good friend if you remain blindly loyal at all times, no matter who is in the wrong.

Anyway, back to the cheating rumors. Apparently Lala watched James suck on another girl’s tit at the club, while he was dating Raquel. Number one, is that legal? Can you just do that in public? I need to like, tell somebody about this. 

Ariana, voice of reason, says that James and Raquel considered them moving in together as a fresh start to their relationship. Raquel finally admits that James probably wasn’t completely faithful before they move in together. Andy, new voice of reason and perpetual messy bitch, points to Jax and Brittany and says that sounds a lot like what the two of them went through when Brittany was still living in Kentucky. And even when Brittany was living in LA when Faith was over that one time. Andy didn’t say that last part, that’s just my editorializing.

Katie, of all people, tells Raquel that she doesn’t understand how she can just accept that James cheated and stay with him because it will eat away at her. Katie, whose husband made out with another girl only last year. KATIE. Katie.

James has a moment of hypocrisy that made me laugh out loud, when they talk about how Raquel wanted to go to girls night to get closer with all the girls, but James didn’t want her to.

James: I got over it quickly and you went to the party and everything was cool.
Raquel: No, I didn’t go to the party because you didn’t want me to.
James: Oh, good, I’m glad you didn’t go.

Spoken like every “What’s up ma, you’re beautiful. Oh, you can’t even say hi? F*ck you bitch, you’re fat and ugly anyway”-ass dude out there.

Lala has a moment of redemption when she reveals that part of the reason she is so harsh towards Raquel is because James, one time in Vegas, Lala a c*nt in front of her dad and Raquel didn’t stand up to him. Okay, see, this is putting the “bambi-eyed bitch, you don’t empower other women” day into a lot more perspective. Does it excuse Lala’s actions completely? No, but it provides some healthy context. Sometimes I forget that things happen off-camera that factor into what we see on-camera! And that’s why I am always quick to change my mind with new information. And that, in turn, is why I could never be friends with any of these people.

Stassi tells Raquel that, basically, the girls don’t like that Raquel stands by James. Raquel asks, rhetorically, if they’d all be happier if she would publicly embarrass him.

Me, the girls, Lisa Vanderpump:

I’m truly confused because a comment about Lala lacking basic manners (because she won’t apologize to Raquel, not really how manners work, but fine) turns into James making fun of Jax and Brittany for sh*tting with the door open. I mean, I would too? New York bathrooms are small and leaving the door open gives my knees more room.

Raquel further digs herself into a hole when she tries to double down on her comments that Lala was using her dad’s death as an excuse to treat Raquel poorly and avoid having a conversation she didn’t want to have. Yikes.

Sandoval kind of tries to stick up for Raquel (apparently his dad spent three weeks in a coma, so that gives him the license to speak on this without everyone dog piling on him), and tries to say that his grief didn’t give him license to yell at everyone he didn’t like. We are pretty much split now into to camps: the camp that thinks you need to do whatever you need to do to get over your loss (Jax, Lala, that side of the room), and the side who thinks that grief doesn’t give you a carte-blanche to act however you want without repercussions (Sandoval, Lisa). As a completely objective third party with absolutely no personal interest in the matter, I really won’t choose a side here, considering I can’t even begin to empathize with Lala or Jax. I will say that this show has just gotten extremely dark, and watching it makes me feel weird now.

Raquel leaves, and we segue into talking about Lisa’s brother passing away.

Andy: How have you been coping?
Lisa: 

She pretty much immediately started crying. Andy is like, “still raw, huh?” YES, ANDY. Clearly it is still raw! Jesus Christ.

Why the f*ck is Kristen crying right now? Honestly she just gets on my nerves because I feel like she tries to d*ck ride everyone to stay on the show.

This sh*t takes an extremely dark turn when we revisit everyone’s dad’s deaths. Neither Jax nor Jenny are speaking to their mom for not informing them their dad was in the ICU. James gets called out for a f*cked up tweet in which he essentially said Jax and Lala need to just get over their dad’s deaths, and this is where James drops a supposed bomb that doesn’t quite hit: that Jax supposedly made a fake Twitter account pretending to be Raquel to spread homophobic rumors about James. Jax, of course, lies about it and acts incredulous. Ariana then pipes up and says Jax’s phone number was connected to the Twitter account! Lol, what a f*cking idiot. Of course he wouldn’t know how to make a burner Google Voice account in order to make a fake Twitter just to publicly disparage someone he hates. Not speaking from experience or anything!

So Jax gets up and gets in James’s face, saying, “you wanna talk about my dad? You wanna talk about my dad?” No, he wants to talk about why you’d make a fake Twitter account, pretending to be Raquel, to disparage James. But good deflection! Jax then calls Raquel a little bitch, which I’m sure everybody is going to let fly because they don’t like Raquel! But if James called one of the women a bitch, they would (rightfully) start World War III. But is Jax going to have any consequences for this? Is Brittany going to get crucified for not putting Jax in his place? Of course not.

James calls Brittany a hillbilly, and Jax is OUTRAGED. He’s like, “so we’re just gonna sit here and allow him to call people hillbillies?” I mean, I don’t know, I guess, considering we’re apparently just going to sit here and let you call people bitches? I’m pretty sure you can say hillbilly on the radio; you can’t say bitch. So let’s not play a game of “which word is a worse insult?”, or I WILL call John Mulaney in here.

Brittany says she’s proud to be a hillbilly, because at least she’s not a sh*tty person like James. Kristen, for literally no reason, starts clapping and yelling “boom, motherfucker, boom.”

No one:
Not a single person:
Seriously, nobody on this planet:
Kristen: BOOM! Yeah bitch, James is over! I did it!

This is, at the heart, why I cannot stand Kristen this season.

Still nobody:
Still not a single person:
Still, seriously, nobody even asked:
Kristen: Nobody’s going to f*ck with my Brittany because she’s the light of my life.

…Ok Kristen.

The remainder of the reunion is basically everyone yelling over James. James calls Jax an old man, Jax gloats about how much better his life is than James’s. James calls Brittany a bitch, and nobody really kills him over it, so perhaps I spoke too soon about the double standard between James and everybody else in this regard. Sandoval tries to sort of stick up for James, or at least, point out why Jax is being hypocritical (I think, I can’t really discern what’s going on over all the yelling), which is where Brittany screams at him to stop because he’s Jax’s best man. Sandoval tries to scream back a justification, and it’s a f*cking fiasco. They’re all yelling. Finally, Andy yells at them all to just shut the f*ck up.

Amen, Andy. Everyone. All of you. Shut the f*ck up.

Until next week.

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Reunion Part 3 Recap: It WAS About The Pasta??

It’s the end. The final countdown. The Vanderpump Rules reunion part 3. I’m pretty drunk, so trying to type this is going to be a real exercise in my own finger dexterity. I can’t make any promises at this time.

I also need to express now that Scheana’s color contacts are ridiculous but very on brand for her. Scheana as a person is perpetually stuck in like, 2009, so it makes sense that her own makeup decisions would be.

We open with everyone looking tentatively at Andy, almost as if they know what’s about to to happen over the course of this reunion. Jax and James discuss their friendship, which basically boils down to the fact that James is Jax, 13 years ago. It used to be their main source of tension, and now it’s the factor that brought them together. Life can be funny like that sometimes.

Lala immediately brings up the Kristen/James rumors, to be like “James is clearly just friends with Jax now because Jax started a rumor about James hooking up with Kristen.” That doesn’t really hold water, though, because Jax and James started hanging out during filming before the rumors were even started. Nice effort, try again.

Me:

The Defense Is Wrong

James brings up the very valid point that now Lala is friends with Stassi even after Stassi and all her friends called her a whore for years. It’s the fake versus the fake. Two fakes enter. One me leaves.

Andy: Stassi, how did the idea of you event planning come up?
Stassi: Well I needed a story line, so I always wanted to be like Lisa.

It’s actually crazy to watch Ariana defer to Stassi and be afraid to say anything bad about her. Last week, she refused to take shots at Stassi’s feminism. Now, she won’t even criticize her event planning?? Who are you, and what have you done with Ariana??

This entire reunion is fucking savage. Nobody is talking in turn. Everybody is out for blood. Even if I was sober, I could not keep up with this rapid-fire pace.

I’m glad we’re revisiting the infamous “it’s not about the pasta” feud.

James: it was partly about the pasta.

WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU LIED ABOUT, JAMES?

Me: 

Trust Nobody

I’ll have plenty to discuss in therapy next week on the topic of “men always lie.”

Most shocking revelation of this reunion: James doesn’t cover his mouth when he sneezes.

Damn Lala is crying?? She’s really upset about a man who publicly refers to her as his daughter on Instagram. (For those of you wondering, Randall posted an IG of him and Lala. Someone commented like “Your daughter is so beautiful!” and Randall replied back saying something like “yes she is”. The original Instagram is here, but the comments have been suspiciously turned off. So yeah.)

Anyway, James calls Lala dramatic. IDK if she’s dramatic, but it’s clear that she really loves Randall. So I guess this gives this relationship a little more balanced? Or it just tips it even more to one side—hard for me to determine. 

Ok so Lala’s stormed offstage, not to fix her makeup *glares at Scheana*, and Kristen is yelling at James. Lisa tells Kristen to shut up and so Kristen storms offstage. Lisa is basically like to James, “Lala is a true ride or die and you need to fucking apologize to her”. Literally everyone agrees. James half-heartedly goes offstage to go apologize to Lala. Ariana takes off her shoes AGAIN to go and corral Lala. Like ok, if they’re that uncomfortable that you have to take them off twice when you’ve been SITTING DOWN this whole time, you need to wear different shoes.

Anyway, the reunion has just become Stassi, Schwartz, Scheana and Andy Cohen. What a ragtag group of individuals.

Love Lisa going offstage to tell Lala “so tell everything you’re saying to me right now to James’ face.” Spoken like the true shit stirrer she is.

Lisa’s now next to Lala saying “come on you’re a strong girl, pull yourself together.” but really the subtext is “pull yourself together for TV because these ratings are all you have.”

It’s weird to hear Lala say that James has taken on burdens someone his age shouldn’t have to take on when I’m pretty sure they’re the same age? Also what’s the minimum age requirement on burdens? I’d just like to know for reference for the next time I experience the smallest inconvenience.

James apologizes, Lala forgives him, Andy Cohen says “nice” for no real added value. Guess he’s just gotta show ‘em who’s boss. 

Oh good, Andy brings up Jax’s fake job offer.

Andy: What was the job they offered you?
Jax: You know, marketing, social media…

Two totally different things. Cool.

Listening to Katie say that Brittany is not an accessory was probably the biggest feminist moment we’ve seen on VPR all season. And with that, I’m sure we will return to our regularly scheduled programming of Sandoval trying to silence every woman who attempts to defy him.

Andy decides to play the Newlyweds game and be like “Jax, what’s Brittany’s dream job?”

Jax: She wants to work with… children…. In a hospital… with special needs…. Did I get it right? Oh thank god!

I love that Jax had to assert that he didn’t make up the job offer. Still not convinced.

Andy: Why didn’t you take the job if it was your dream job?
Jax: Because the job didn’t exist I didn’t want to leave my friends.

Andy brings up the finale party with Patrick. THANK GOD.

Andy: How surprising was it when he was talking about your backside?

When they play back the tape, I realize that the amount of times Patrick called Lisa “girl” is so revolting. Lisa is a grown-ass woman, and she deserves respect, dammit! Both Lisa and Stassi were like “that was so fucking bad.” We got pretty close to calling this exchange what it was, which is (wait for it) sexual harassment! But on a show like Vanderpump Rules, I’ll take what I can get.

YESSS STASSI WAS ON XANAX AND ALCOHOL. WHO FUCKING CALLED IT? This bitch! I am way too excited by this. Check the receipts. Thank you, thank you. I am literally taking a bow.

Scheana tries to claim that she hasn’t watched the whole show, she only watches the scenes that she’s in. I believe it.

Schwartz: *whispers* that speaks volumes
Me: 

Thank You

Wow, Beau the new guy is already making an appearance in the reunion via slideshow. That’s already more than Patrick has ever done for Stassi.

Stassi: *on the verge of tears*: I need to not screw this up.

Same girl, same.

Talking to a new guy is fun because I know I’m gonna nuke things but the question is… *how*

— Betches (@betchesluvthis) April 3, 2018


Ugh we’re bringing up Lala’s latent daddy issues “bubba” again. Oh my fucking god. Of course Lala is like “there are many ways to self-medicate anxiety. For instance, sucking a dick.” I truly cannot with her. Sandoval and Ariana drinking from a flask while Lala attempts to argue that sucking dick cures anxiety is MY FUCKING CURRENT MOOD RIGHT NOW. For now and forever.

YES HOLY SHIT KRISTEN BRINGING UP HANGING OUT/HOOKING UP GATE. Thank fucking god. I thought I was crazy this whole time.

Jax: I’m not saying they did anything.
Jax 2 seconds earlier: I’m saying they hooked up.

Literally how the fuck can Jax sit here and say he never said James and Kristen hooked up when we literally have it on camera? Is he that much of a liar or is he on the same planet Scheana is on?

Oh good, Sandoval’s excuse is that he ACTUALLY said, “Did you humumum with Kristen?” and that’s supposed to mean hooked up. Ok. Sure. You can’t just mutter the word you said and expect that to count as a totally different word. That’s not how this works.

Jesus Christ, Kristen is equating her flying in the Miami chick 3 seasons ago to Sandoval starting this rumor about Kristen and James hooking up. Those things are… not the same level of crazy. Guys, we’re only 39 minutes into this episode and I’m like 2,000 words into this recap. This recap is basically my senior thesis at this point. There is too much going on.

I’m so glad Andy is bringing up Jax’s coke binge. There’s not really a lot to discuss given that Jax does his typical “yeah I apologize” faux apology tour and doesn’t admit he’s on coke, but I guess two drug admissions would be too much for this one recap. Sad.

Ok number one, I don’t think it’s fair that Jax is getting shamed for breaking up with Brittany for her own best interest, but at the same time Jax being like “I thought long and hard about this. I thought about it for two days.” OVER A TWO YEAR RELATIONSHIP?!?!?!! Then again, that’s probably 48 times longer than Jax has thought about anything in his life.

Look, Jax is right. He should have dumped Brittany, and he should have stuck with it. If only Brittany had stuck with it. Andddd now I’m in my feelings.

OOO Lisa says Brittany shagged a few guys at Pump! Brittany denies it. Lisa says “oh OK next season. I’m literally setting a reminder on my Google calendar to bring this up a year from now.

Oh I fucking hate that the message is this: “guys, if you abuse your SO enough and dump them and then don’t leave them alone, she will eventually come back to you.”

It kinda sucks that Brittany thinks all the fans telling her she deserves better is “being mean”. I wish she’d read my think piece. But it’s none of my business, I guess. Who am I kidding, I’m gonna be back on my high horse next season.

Jax: I don’t think there’s any possible way I could possibly treat her any worse.

LOL REALLY? I can think of like, three easy ways off the top of my head that you’ve probably done already. But ok. Ugh. Brittany.

As we return from commercial break and near the end of this reunion, Lisa is asked about if Jax still has a job at SUR. So apparently Jax doesn’t actually work at SUR?? Color me shocked.

Jax: I wasn’t that bad of a person at work.
Lisa, everyone: 

Conceited

Andy: Schwartz, when can we expect your first blackout and panic attack?
Katie: 

Jonah Hill No

Andy asks Katie if she and Schwartz are having kids. She says “soonish”. Oh god. The world is not ready.

Jax says he and Brittany will be together for a long time. I’m kinda surprised they didn’t announce their engagement. Hmm. Andy asks Ariana if she wants to have kids, and SHOCKER, the answer is the same as it’s been for the past three seasons: no. It’s almost as if women know what they want??

Lol this fucking season ends with everyone being like “me and my SO are going to be together forever.” We’ll see.

We end this season on this words: It was about the pasta. Peter and Ken bring out pasta in little shot glasses. Second greatest revelation of the Vanderpump Rules reunion part 3: Scheana has no idea how to eat pasta. Just look at this:

Vanderpump Rules reunion part 3

To contrast, consider this:

Vanderpump Rules reunion part 3

Lisa understands how to eat pasta.

Andy also comprehends this delicate art form.

Vanderpump Rules reunion part 3

Just look at the contrast here, and also, what is wrong with Sandoval?

Everyone else is digging the pasta out of the glass with their fingers, because they understand that it is not to be taken literally like a shot. Scheana missed that memo.

There we have it, folks. It was about the pasta all along. And on that note, I’m out. Forever. JK I’ll see you hoes next season.

 

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Reunion Part 2 Recap: James Is The Realest One On Here

I hope this week’s Vanderpump Rules reunion has more of what we saw last week, namely, everyone coming for Scheana with no regard for human life. What can I say, I’m consistent. But I doubt it, because it’s the Vanderpump Rules reunion part 2, not Comedy Central’s roast of Scheana Shay. Sadly.

We open this week’s reunion with Scheana’s meltdown, where she dramatically storms off stage to… get her makeup fixed. Never gets old.

Jax’s main insult fof Scheana not calling him is not that what she did was wrong, but that she can’t keep a boyfriend. Sure, those things are related. 30 seconds in and the misogyny is strong.

Andy: Lala I want to talk about your man. He’s a successful producer…
Everyone: 

Conceited Face

Hearing Lala say “Martin Scorsese loves the show” in a baby voice while batting her eyelashes is just giving me the heebie jeebies. Also, do y’all really believe that?? Cause I’m not buying it.

Andy: What kind of gifts does your man give you?
Lala: Shoes, purses, cars…
Scheana: Materialistic things

Oh right, I forgot that Scheana doesn’t like gifts. Right. And I’m sure if Rob ever bought her a gift, she’d give it back because she hates gifts so much. Yep.

Ok so I think it’s pretty ridiculous for Lala to claim that she has a boyfriend when she very clearly has a sugar daddy. No shame in the game, but let’s call a spade a spade.

Lala: Why do I have a sugar daddy when James is living on some guy’s floor and you don’t say that he has a sugar daddy?

Ok so those are clearly not analogous situations. No sugar daddy would ever succeed if he was like “yeah so you can fuck me, a gross older man, in exchange for a coveted spot on my floor.” James is in a weird Craigslist roommate arrangement; his and Lala’s situations are not the same thing.

Honestly I kind of love James for being like “sorry I called Randall a fat old man. And I’m sorry for doing it again now.” Dare I say… James is the realest person on this entire show? I’m sorry but Randall is overweight. And he is older than the rest of this cast. Therefore… where is the lie?

Jax swears on his father that he only slept with Fatih one time. ON HIS FATHER. So next season, when Kristen orchestrates a texting ring to figure out that Jax hooked up with Faith multiple times, is Jax’s dad going to come back from the dead to haunt the shit out of him? Sorry, too far?

My favorite thing of this reunion is Scheana making under-the-breath comments and nobody acknowledging her. And now everyone’s yelling at Scheana, so there’s no way I can even attempt to type everything that’s going on. 

It’s actually kind of crazy that Schwartz isn’t really even denying making out with this girl, and his best defense is just “I don’t remember.” THAT’S NOT THE SAME. That doesn’t mean you didn’t cheat! Why is Schwartz getting a carte blanche for cheating on Katie? Something’s going on here besides all the edibles these two are taking. Maybe they’re in an open marriage?

Katie: Life is very short and tomorrow is never promised.

Damn girl, give me the number of your plug. I also think it’s funny that she’s saying all this wearing like, 16 crucifixes.

I’m sorry, did Schwartz say that he felt like “a possum’s prick”???

Jax’s face perfectly sums up my reaction.

Vanderpump Rules reunion part 2

Schwartz: I’ve always loved falling apart in moderation, I think it’s good for the mind, body, soul.

^What I’m going to tell my parents when they ask why I don’t have my life together. Thanks, Tom!

I think Kristen’s comment about Stassi, “She acted like an asshole so I treated her like an asshole” is kind of oddly poetic. So what does that mean? You wiped her? No ok you’re right, I’ll see myself out.

I didn’t miss the entire bit about James’ relationship with George Michael, but I will not be recapping it. It’s weird and I don’t know why we’re doing it.

Arrested Development

YES it’s time to revisit the Scheana/Rob not loving her rumors and how Scheana set Brittany up with Adam. Let’s all watch closely as she tries to deny something she blatantly said on camera.

Scheana: I wasn’t trying to set them up so she would cheat on him.
Stassi: But you said on camera that it was.
Scheana: Yeah I say dumb shit sometimes, we all do.

Ok so when everyone else says things it’s the truth, but when Scheana says something, she doesn’t mean it and we should all know that? It’s Scheana’s world, and we’re all living in a totally different world where reality is a thing.

Lala: Yeah Adam is cute, but who wants to fuck a cute guy?

So you don’t wanna fuck a cute guy, but you wanna fuck a middle-aged dad who looks like every middle-aged dad? OK. Ok Lala.

Billie Lee arrives, and almost immediately Andy asks about her vagina. Cool. Cool. Glad we’re really being progressive and not just reducing trans people to their genitals.

Billie and Jeremy are still pretending to hang out, and now it’s time to revisit Creeper Gate! Grab onto your panties, I’m sure Sandoval is about to say some problematic shit. Oh. Actually, he doesn’t say anything. Neither does Ariana. Hmm. This isn’t the reunion I bargained for. Are they, like, ok? 

Andy: Has your dating life improved since you’ve been on the show?
Billie: No!

That’s a mood.

We’re talking about Reikelsey, and all the girls hate her for just massaging Jax’s ego without actually understanding any context of what was happening in his relationships. Thank god somebody said it. Also James calls her out for hugging Jax for way too long. And Andy brings up that Jax said he loved her! Sometimes I really underestimate these peoples’ intelligence.

All the guys are like “you should stop with all this salacious slander, it’s not sexual at all” and all the girls are like “that’s bullshit and you know it.” Ok maybe it was only Schwartz who used the words “salacious slander” (gotta use that college degree somehow), but the consensus was the same: the men think nothing is inappropriate about that relationship and the women clearly do. Hmm. Wonder why that is.

Oh god, now we’re talking about feminism with Lala. Lala says there’s not one way to be a feminist, and that’s true, but you also can’t reduce feminism to just one thing. That’s like… kind of the thing with feminism. Sexual empowerment is great, but that’s not the entire movement of feminism. But whatever, you guys didn’t come here for a feminist rant. We can all agree that Lala’s feminism is missing more than half of the point, and like, peak white feminism, right? Right. Moving on.

Good, Andy asks Stassi how she feels about Lala’s version of feminism. Jesus, this is the blind commenting on the fucking blind. Brittany’s like, “women should support each other and not tear each other down.”

Jax: #MeToo

Would this even be Vanderpump Rules without Jax butchering a very common phrase? No, it would not. So I thank him for that. And honestly? I’m not even mad. 

Andy asks Katie basically how her personality did a 180. She says, “I just decided to take inventory of myself and be happy with who I was” except we all know she meant “I’ve just been taking a lot of edibles.”

It’s also bullshit to listen to Schwartz call Katie a nightmare of a person, even if she was back then. The difference is, we didn’t marry her!

Andy’s face while Katie is retelling the story of her accident is honestly everything.

Vanderpump Rules reunion part 2

Vanderpump Rules reunion part 2

^Me when I spend money and then my bank takes it out of my account

Lol what, Tom Schwartz was a physiology major?

I just think it’s funny how Katie starts talking about how it’s good to finally feel like herself and Schwartz immediately cuts her off to be like “yeah I’m glad you finally changed into the person I wanted to be with.” Cool. Great. IDK if my roasting skills are at a delay this morning, or I’m just so floored that I am without speech this episode. Probably a little bit of both.

The episode ends with everybody crying but me, because I am a black soulless pit. Or is it because I didn’t think that conversation between Schwartz and Katie was that moving, because Schwartz should not get a gold medal for merely accepting his wife for who she is? I will let you all decide.