It’s the end. The final countdown. The Vanderpump Rules reunion part 3. I’m pretty drunk, so trying to type this is going to be a real exercise in my own finger dexterity. I can’t make any promises at this time.
I also need to express now that Scheana’s color contacts are ridiculous but very on brand for her. Scheana as a person is perpetually stuck in like, 2009, so it makes sense that her own makeup decisions would be.
We open with everyone looking tentatively at Andy, almost as if they know what’s about to to happen over the course of this reunion. Jax and James discuss their friendship, which basically boils down to the fact that James is Jax, 13 years ago. It used to be their main source of tension, and now it’s the factor that brought them together. Life can be funny like that sometimes.
Lala immediately brings up the Kristen/James rumors, to be like “James is clearly just friends with Jax now because Jax started a rumor about James hooking up with Kristen.” That doesn’t really hold water, though, because Jax and James started hanging out during filming before the rumors were even started. Nice effort, try again.
James brings up the very valid point that now Lala is friends with Stassi even after Stassi and all her friends called her a whore for years. It’s the fake versus the fake. Two fakes enter. One me leaves.
Andy: Stassi, how did the idea of you event planning come up?
Well I needed a story line, so I always wanted to be like Lisa.
It’s actually crazy to watch Ariana defer to Stassi and be afraid to say anything bad about her. Last week, she refused to take shots at Stassi’s feminism. Now, she won’t even criticize her event planning?? Who are you, and what have you done with Ariana??
This entire reunion is fucking savage. Nobody is talking in turn. Everybody is out for blood. Even if I was sober, I could not keep up with this rapid-fire pace.
I’m glad we’re revisiting the infamous “it’s not about the pasta” feud.
James: it was partly about the pasta.
WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU LIED ABOUT, JAMES?
I’ll have plenty to discuss in therapy next week on the topic of “men always lie.”
Most shocking revelation of this reunion: James doesn’t cover his mouth when he sneezes.
Damn Lala is crying?? She’s really upset about a man who publicly refers to her as his daughter on Instagram. (For those of you wondering, Randall posted an IG of him and Lala. Someone commented like “Your daughter is so beautiful!” and Randall replied back saying something like “yes she is”. The original Instagram is here, but the comments have been suspiciously turned off. So yeah.)
Anyway, James calls Lala dramatic. IDK if she’s dramatic, but it’s clear that she really loves Randall. So I guess this gives this relationship a little more balanced? Or it just tips it even more to one side—hard for me to determine.
Ok so Lala’s stormed offstage, not to fix her makeup *glares at Scheana*, and Kristen is yelling at James. Lisa tells Kristen to shut up and so Kristen storms offstage. Lisa is basically like to James, “Lala is a true ride or die and you need to fucking apologize to her”. Literally everyone agrees. James half-heartedly goes offstage to go apologize to Lala. Ariana takes off her shoes AGAIN to go and corral Lala. Like ok, if they’re that uncomfortable that you have to take them off twice when you’ve been SITTING DOWN this whole time, you need to wear different shoes.
Anyway, the reunion has just become Stassi, Schwartz, Scheana and Andy Cohen. What a ragtag group of individuals.
Love Lisa going offstage to tell Lala “so tell everything you’re saying to me right now to James’ face.” Spoken like the true shit stirrer she is.
Lisa’s now next to Lala saying “come on you’re a strong girl, pull yourself together.” but really the subtext is “pull yourself together for TV because these ratings are all you have.”
It’s weird to hear Lala say that James has taken on burdens someone his age shouldn’t have to take on when I’m pretty sure they’re the same age? Also what’s the minimum age requirement on burdens? I’d just like to know for reference for the next time I experience the smallest inconvenience.
James apologizes, Lala forgives him, Andy Cohen says “nice” for no real added value. Guess he’s just gotta show ‘em who’s boss.
Oh good, Andy brings up Jax’s fake job offer.
Andy: What was the job they offered you?
Jax: You know, marketing, social media…
Two totally different things. Cool.
Listening to Katie say that Brittany is not an accessory was probably the biggest feminist moment we’ve seen on VPR all season. And with that, I’m sure we will return to our regularly scheduled programming of Sandoval trying to silence every woman who attempts to defy him.
Andy decides to play the Newlyweds game and be like “Jax, what’s Brittany’s dream job?”
Jax: She wants to work with… children…. In a hospital… with special needs…. Did I get it right? Oh thank god!
I love that Jax had to assert that he didn’t make up the job offer. Still not convinced.
Andy: Why didn’t you take the job if it was your dream job?
Because the job didn’t exist I didn’t want to leave my friends.
Andy brings up the finale party with Patrick. THANK GOD.
Andy: How surprising was it when he was talking about your backside?
When they play back the tape, I realize that the amount of times Patrick called Lisa “girl” is so revolting. Lisa is a grown-ass woman, and she deserves respect, dammit! Both Lisa and Stassi were like “that was so fucking bad.” We got pretty close to calling this exchange what it was, which is (wait for it) sexual harassment! But on a show like Vanderpump Rules, I’ll take what I can get.
YESSS STASSI WAS ON XANAX AND ALCOHOL. WHO FUCKING CALLED IT? This bitch! I am way too excited by this. Check the receipts. Thank you, thank you. I am literally taking a bow.
Scheana tries to claim that she hasn’t watched the whole show, she only watches the scenes that she’s in. I believe it.
Schwartz: *whispers* that speaks volumes
Wow, Beau the new guy is already making an appearance in the reunion via slideshow. That’s already more than Patrick has ever done for Stassi.
Stassi: *on the verge of tears*: I need to not screw this up.
Same girl, same.
Talking to a new guy is fun because I know I’m gonna nuke things but the question is… *how*
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) April 3, 2018
Ugh we’re bringing up Lala’s
latent daddy issues “bubba” again. Oh my fucking god. Of course Lala is like “there are many ways to self-medicate anxiety. For instance, sucking a dick.” I truly cannot with her. Sandoval and Ariana drinking from a flask while Lala attempts to argue that sucking dick cures anxiety is MY FUCKING CURRENT MOOD RIGHT NOW. For now and forever.
YES HOLY SHIT KRISTEN BRINGING UP HANGING OUT/HOOKING UP GATE. Thank fucking god. I thought I was crazy this whole time.
Jax: I’m not saying they did anything.
Jax 2 seconds earlier: I’m saying they hooked up.
Literally how the fuck can Jax sit here and say he never said James and Kristen hooked up when we literally have it on camera? Is he that much of a liar or is he on the same planet Scheana is on?
Oh good, Sandoval’s excuse is that he ACTUALLY said, “Did you humumum with Kristen?” and that’s supposed to mean hooked up. Ok. Sure. You can’t just mutter the word you said and expect that to count as a totally different word. That’s not how this works.
Jesus Christ, Kristen is equating her flying in the Miami chick 3 seasons ago to Sandoval starting this rumor about Kristen and James hooking up. Those things are… not the same level of crazy. Guys, we’re only 39 minutes into this episode and I’m like 2,000 words into this recap. This recap is basically my senior thesis at this point. There is too much going on.
I’m so glad Andy is bringing up Jax’s coke binge. There’s not really a lot to discuss given that Jax does his typical “yeah I apologize” faux apology tour and doesn’t admit he’s on coke, but I guess two drug admissions would be too much for this one recap. Sad.
Ok number one, I don’t think it’s fair that Jax is getting shamed for breaking up with Brittany for her own best interest, but at the same time Jax being like “I thought long and hard about this. I thought about it for two days.” OVER A TWO YEAR RELATIONSHIP?!?!?!! Then again, that’s probably 48 times longer than Jax has thought about anything in his life.
Look, Jax is right. He should have dumped Brittany, and he should have stuck with it. If only Brittany had stuck with it. Andddd now I’m in my feelings.
OOO Lisa says Brittany shagged a few guys at Pump! Brittany denies it. Lisa says “oh OK next season. I’m literally setting a reminder on my Google calendar to bring this up a year from now.
Oh I fucking hate that the message is this: “guys, if you abuse your SO enough and dump them and then don’t leave them alone, she will eventually come back to you.”
It kinda sucks that Brittany thinks all the fans telling her she deserves better is “being mean”. I wish she’d read my think piece. But it’s none of my business, I guess. Who am I kidding, I’m gonna be back on my high horse next season.
Jax: I don’t think there’s any possible way I could possibly treat her any worse.
LOL REALLY? I can think of like, three easy ways off the top of my head that you’ve probably done already. But ok. Ugh. Brittany.
As we return from commercial break and near the end of this reunion, Lisa is asked about if Jax still has a job at SUR. So apparently Jax doesn’t actually work at SUR?? Color me shocked.
Jax: I wasn’t that bad of a person at work.
Andy: Schwartz, when can we expect your first blackout and panic attack?
Andy asks Katie if she and Schwartz are having kids. She says “soonish”. Oh god. The world is not ready.
Jax says he and Brittany will be together for a long time. I’m kinda surprised they didn’t announce their engagement. Hmm. Andy asks Ariana if she wants to have kids, and SHOCKER, the answer is the same as it’s been for the past three seasons: no. It’s almost as if women know what they want??
Lol this fucking season ends with everyone being like “me and my SO are going to be together forever.” We’ll see.
We end this season on this words: It was about the pasta. Peter and Ken bring out pasta in little shot glasses. Second greatest revelation of the Vanderpump Rules reunion part 3: Scheana has no idea how to eat pasta. Just look at this:
To contrast, consider this:
Everyone else is digging the pasta out of the glass with their fingers, because they understand that it is not to be taken literally like a shot. Scheana missed that memo.
There we have it, folks. It was about the pasta all along. And on that note, I’m out. Forever. JK I’ll see you hoes next season.