‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Stassi’s Mom Has A Lot Going On

Hi all! I’m back for my second and final Vanderpump Rules recap, as you’ll be back to your regularly scheduled programming upon Sgt. Olivia Betchson’s return next week. I’ll be sad because I will technically no longer receive the early screeners, but I’ll be happy because I was able to memorize the passwords to get me into the site. JK, NBC!! This brain is like a sieve for passwords. Please still let Betches watch your show early!

As a reminder, last week James’s mom begged Lisa for his job back, Lala and Brittany got their butts all pretty, and Stassi and Ariana had a joint cold themed birthday party which ended in a Stassi meltdown. Will she be forced to use her shattered iPhone for a year and a half like the rest of us peasants? Let’s find out!

We open on the morning after the party. Everyone looks like they’re in their late 30’s and were binge-drinking until the wee hours of the night. Oh wait…

The girls are recounting what happened last night. Apparently after Stassi smashed her phone, she came out screaming at Beau, and he proceeded to cry and say he wasn’t her punching bag. Ruh roh.

Stassi and Beau meet up outside and it appears that neither one has stopped crying since we ended last week’s episode. Can we get some tissues over here?

Beau: You dick-punched my heart

Stassi is feeling a lot of regret over her drunken actions and is worried Beau is going to dump her. Girl, I know this feeling. In fact, It’s Britney, Betch and I call it “I hate me,” and we often gchat it to each other after we’ve vomited into a garbage can at work.

Beau is very forgiving and sweet and I’m wondering if Stassi can please lead me to the factory in heaven where she found him so I can pick one up for myself. I will request that mine wear pants.

If there’s one person that is feeling good in the morning it’s James, because he’s temporarily, once again, replaced his alcohol addiction with an ice cream addiction. Better be careful with that rocky road James, I wouldn’t want anyone to tell you to lose some f*cking weight.

James’s ice cream friend: How did sobriety work out for you?

Literally this exact scene played out two years ago and we know how that ended up. Maybe he needs a better flavor of ice cream? Perhaps hit up a Ben & Jerry’s instead? They put potato chips in ice cream! It’s bonkers, it makes no sense, and it is DIVINE.

Ice Cream Man and James have a lovely conversation, discussing what he likes about himself when he’s sober and why he shouldn’t take that next drink. Then it immediately cuts to the interview session where James is sitting next to a cocktail. Should this come with a spoiler alert?

Over at SUR, Lisa has called a staff meeting so they can all gossip about James. It seems like the managers are all on James’s side and are mad that he got fired since Tuesday nights were good for business. WOW. Honestly I am so freaking mad right now. This is why women don’t say anything about harassment in the workplace! Because to some people, money is more important than the fact that a co-worker just kissed my head when I explicitly pulled away and said I was sick. I’m just saying HYPOTHETICALLY, of course.

Brittany is me right now. This is bullsh*t. I’m sorry Lisa, but by scolding Brittany you are making yourself look bad right now. NOW SCHEANA IS TELLING BRITTANY NOT TO WORK WHEN JAMES IS THERE. GUYS. I’ve had enough. I think 2019 is the year I go off the grid. I’m not talking like, “moving to a shack on the beach in Hawaii and becoming one with mother nature and not getting the internet” kind of off the grid. I mean like, “moving to Mars” off the grid. F*ck this planet.

Then, of course, Jax has to ruin the point Brittany is making by asking how many times James has been fired. Jax, you hypocritical little kleptomaniac with a nose job addiction, please shut up.

Now Billie Lee says that it’s all Kristen’s fault that James blows up and ruins his life. Exsqueeze me? Look, I have a Kristen Doute voodoo doll in my purse and even I don’t think it’s her fault James drinks to the point of blacking out and unleashes his rage on the closest female present. No one else is responsible for his actions!! These people are like 40 f*cking years old, how do they not know this yet? Does your brain stop learning once you’ve starred on a reality TV show? Can we get a study going?

This meeting is clearly a clusterf*ck. Lisa, next time you fire someone maybe just stand strong in your decision and not let your bartenders have an opinion on it?

Over at Stassi’s apartment, she is about to Skype with her publisher and she’s wondering if she looks literary-chic. Hold the phone, STASSI IS GETTING A BOOK?! Brb while I cry about my life and the hundreds of thousands of dollars wasted on my degrees and my zero book deals to show for it. Turns out I could have just bullied my friends on TV for years instead.

Okay I’ve returned, but my face does look concerningly like everyone’s post-birthday party face. FYI Stassi you don’t need to worry about looking “literary-chic” for your Skype date. As someone who worked at a major publishing house for many years, I can assure you that 90% of the people there are wearing a sweater they knitted of their cat. Here’s a big secret, don’t tell: It ain’t like anything like Younger. Oh wait. It turns out I know her publicist! I can assure you that she actually does dress nicely and is super sweet so I take it all back. She doesn’t even have any cats. Hi Meagan!

Stassi is stressed about getting her book done because she “has so much to do.” Her excuse is that Kristen’s mom is in town. TBH the same thing happens to me with writing these articles except I’m too busy because I have so many more episodes of Criminal Minds to watch. What? It won’t be on Netflix forever!  

Over to Lisa and Ken at SUR. They’re talking about how they’re hosting a Daily Mail party at Tom Tom. Schwartz and Sandoval are there “auditioning” cocktails for the party. I’d legit give my left arm to have someone audition cocktails for me. It’s useless anyway, and I never know what to do with it in pictures.

Okay one of these drinks literally has balls of mozzarella cheese on top. Well HELLO BOYS, are you reading my mind?! One simple note: when you bring me this drink, turn those mozzarella balls into mozzarella sticks and your fancy drink into marinara sauce and We. Are. In. Business.

Stassi, Katie, and Brittany are headed to this place called Rage Ground where you can break a ton of sh*t and no one will file a police report against you. SIGN ME UP. Do these exist in New Jersey? Because I have to say, I think we might be group of people that would get a lot of use out of something like this.

OHHH SMASHING PLATES OVER THEIR RENT. I can get on board with that. Although I’d need about 400 more plates and I’d like my landlord to lay on the ground. But sadly I can’t afford to go to Rage Ground since my rent is so high.

Oh JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL. Scheana is on a date with Robby from The Bachelor. I’m glad they told me that it was him, though, because I honestly thought Adam just got botox in between episodes. I swear, Robby and Adam are like if your mom got you a Ken Doll for Christmas and your aunt got you the same thing and then you took them out of the boxes and laid them next to each other and gave one a set of veneers with your leftover chiclets. And it totally works out because the real life versions are also not anatomically correct.

Oh what do you know, Robby is friends with Adam. And the tangled web these famewhores weave gets even more tangled.

Stassi calls Robby a “cheesy douche” and I’ve never felt more understood. Also, that phrase could describe about 99% of the dudes on The Bachelor. Except you, Sean Lowe, my beloved! I would never say that about you. Call me?

Ugh this whole date is uncomfortable and honestly it feels like a Bachelor date. They did something ridiculous that no one would do in real life, then sat down and talked about their feelings and before anyone said anything real, Robby went in for the kiss. It’s like if Robby is on a reality show and doesn’t go on a contrived date, his spray tan will rebel against him and evaporate.

Scheana rn:

But seriously, is this her audition tape for next season?

It’s unloading day at Tom Tom, and Nick Alain is there to decorate the space. I can’t wait to see it! The Toms show up even though they were told not to. How many precious, irreplaceable, one-of-a kind clocks do we think Schwartzie can destroy in a single accidental touch?

Later that day Kristen is having a relaunch for her T-shirt line. Guys, I’m no Anna Wintour, but this T-shirt line is objectively terrible, am I right? Like, I distinctly recall making iron-on T-shirts in high school that were more innovative than this. Doute, stick to what you’re good at. Digging up dirt on your ex-boyfriends, ruining their lives, and grinning maniacally in the corner while it all goes down.

We flashback to Ariana and Lala talking about James. Lala wants to try and connect with him. TBH I can’t really pay attention to them because I’m trying to figure out where they are and why there is a white board behind Lala that appears to have a drawing of a superhero potato? And it also has the words “NECK: prevent sagging”. An important goal. But, is this something you really need to whiteboard? I would certainly use a whiteboard when I’m hunting serial killers or mapping out the Philly Special, but you don’t really need one figure out how to prevent neck sagging. Or do you??

Lala calls James from the party, and naturally he is suspicious of her intentions. James agrees to meet up even though he she won’t tell him what it’s about. I can tell you what it’s not about, though. It’s not about the pasta!

Beau shows up at the party, and if I’m not mistaken he is wearing the sweater version of the weird floral dress Stassi was wearing the day after her party? Did they find a pair of curtains they really liked and commission Giselle from Enchanted into making them matching outfits? I see no other explanation.

OH BOY. James is DJing the party at Tom Tom. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Look, I am all for second chances (or in James’s case, third chances or tenth chances or whatever) but give him time to better himself! Make him prove it! He’s done nothing except get ice cream and cry, and as we all know from the wise Lorelai Gilmore, that is the wallowing stage. He needs more time.

At the party, Stassi’s mom is telling Beau “her clock is ticking” and she needs grandchildren. What? Isn’t Stassi’s brother like, eleven? Slow your roll, lady.

Lala and James meet up for iced vanilla lattes and soul searching. James is real with her and tells her that it’s the alcohol and he knows he needs to stop. I do think it was nice of Lala to show James some grace and I hope it helps him get his sh*t together. I won’t hold my breath though, because I don’t want to die.

Katie, Stassi, Kristen, and their moms all go out to dinner together. Dayna, Stassi’s mom, seems v obsessed with Kristen. I’m uncomfortable. Is she already drunk?

At dinner, Stassi’s mom is all over Stassi and is actually putting her face in her hair and smelling her, and TBH if my mom ever did that to me I’d ghost her. Thanks for giving me life and feeding me and answering my calls when I need to know if chicken is too old to eat, but we’re never speaking again, k?

Now Dayna is claiming that her ovaries are being absorbed into her body? Wait. Is that what menopause is? I don’t have a strong grasp on science, but I feel pretty confident saying this is not what happens. Is her doctor really just a woman she found sitting in the corner of the Palm Springs supermarket doing tarot card readings?

Kristen and Stassi are literally attacking each other at this dinner in front of their moms! Dayna leaves the table to go cry and Kristen and Katie’s moms are wishing they had a DeLorean so they could go back and say no to this dinner invitation.

Dayna is sobbing, “I just need her to hold me and tell me that she loves me.” I really appreciate Bravo showing me the cast’s moms this season. It’s all making so much sense. And making me very thankful for my mentally stable non-alcoholic mother.

Stassi is scared that one day that’s going to be her. Why yes it is, Stassi. And one day is today.

And that’s all! Thank you guys for reading, and for those of you that hated me last week, I only cried about it a little!

Images: Giphy (5)

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Roll The Tape

Catch up on last week’s Vanderpump Rules recap here!

Another Golden Globes has come and passed, bringing us to another week of Vanderpump Rules—or as I like to call it now, An Exercise In Pretending To Be Shocked. If I have to endure an entire season of cheaters cheating and us, the viewers, meant to be surprised about it, I will probably start copying and pasting one identical recap into each week’s article and just changing the names. I’ve taken the liberty of rewriting 3LW’s classic hit, “Playas Gon’ Play” and adapting it for the current situation.

Cheaters, they gon’ cheat

And eaters, they gonna eat

And that’s all she wrote. To answer your question, no, I will not be quitting my day job.

I didn’t watch the last five minutes of last week’s episode (sue me), and just to give you a quick recap: Lisa is mad because she went out to the woods to officiate Katie and Tom’s wedding. I, too, would be mad if I got eaten alive by bugs for a sham marriage. Tom Sandoval repeats “I’m not defending him” while simultaneously defending Tom. This cheating rumor supposedly causes Lisa to reconsider Tom Tom, supposedly because it speaks to his trustworthiness, but really because Lisa is determined to drag this storyline out as long as possible. And still, through all this, nobody told Schwartz that claiming not to remember an event is not a get-out-of-jail-free card. Well I guess technically in some cases you can plead temporary insanity if you like, commit a murder while you’re blacked out? IDK, I think I saw that on an episode of Law & Order: SVU once. I am not a lawyer.

We open with Sandoval telling Jax that Schwartz did him a favor by taking the heat off him, which furthers my theory/the objective truth that these guys cheat on their S.O.s with reckless abandon and all cover for each other.

Jax bought a motorized cooler, and honestly I want one. There’s a powwow with everyone and I think Carter makes his first appearance. Katie tells Tom that this is the last time that he’s going to get blackout drunk and cheat on her anymore because he’s not going to get blackout drunk anymore. Schwartz says, “Yeah, given how badly I fucked up that’s a very reasonable boundary; I recognize I have a drinking problem and will fix it.” PSYCH! Schwartz says, “You’re not going to tell me what to do!” And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Schwartz prioritizes getting blackout drunk over his wife. And y’all called us mean and bitter when we dared question the longevity of this marriage.

Golden Globes

At SUR, Jax and Brittany are a little more cordial than I’d like, given that he just cheated on her like, 30 seconds ago. They agree to throw a joint housewarming party so that Jax’s friends can’t talk shit about him in his presence. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, Brittany should be dating a football player or some other kind of rich athlete, not this 40-year-old sociopath who’s more silicone than actual human flesh at this point.

Katie pulls Lala aside to rightfully ask her why she never said anything about Tom cheating on Katie, and Lala admits it’s because Katie was talking shit about her “relationship”. Katie’s excuse boils down to, “That’s true but I didn’t think Scheana would tell you.”

Apparently throughout the night, wasted Schwartz kept calling Lala’s friend “Bubba”. Does he just call every girl that? Or was he so drunk he can’t tell his wife apart from some random bitch? Stay tuned for more developments from Schwartz’s low-key alcoholism.

I just have to point out that we know these Vanderpump Rules cast members hardly actually work at SUR, and yet somehow they’re finding time to pull Lisa aside every 30 seconds to have therapy about their personal problems. Katie starts to open up to Lisa about the rumors, and Lisa immediately makes it about her.

Lisa: But how does this affect ME and my figurative marriage? Think about how this jeopardizes my business partnership!

Right, Lisa. You’re really the one who’s most affected by this right now.

The Toms and Jax are attending a paint and sip class during broad daylight, WITH ABSINTHE. That’s exactly what you should be doing when you JUST cheated on your wife because you got blacked out.

Schwartz: Katie said no shots forever, she didn’t say no shots of absinthe.

Roll Safe

Schwartz: This is just temporary probation, this isn’t a life sentence.

If my husband EVER referred to our marriage as “temporary probation” ON FUCKING CAMERA, he’d be my ex-husband before you could say “post-nuptials”.

It’s still so weird watching Kristen be sympathetic to Brittany when she effectively broke up Jax and Stassi’s relationship. I’m just waiting to see what she has planned. Also, Katie is SERIOUSLY under-reacting to Schwartz cheating on her. In true Katie fashion, she is mad at Scheana for telling Lala she talked shit about her relationship, which in turn “triggered” Lala to spread the cheating rumors. And not, you know, her good-for-nothing husband for cheating on her for the umpteenth time.

Apparently the night of some Vanderpump Dogs party, Rob Valletta aka Scheana’s boyfriend made out with someone. What is in the water in LA? I thought dating in New York was rough. Jesus. So you’re telling me once I DO find a guy, I gotta worry about him making out with every bitch he lays eyes on? *Switches Hinge preferences to women*

It’s about time for Scheana’s mandated screen time with Rob. In 30 seconds, she talks about how big Rob’s house is, how big his kitchen is, and how he’s “a real man”. I never thought I’d ever sympathize with a drug addict, but damn, I hope Shay isn’t seeing this. Also, how does Rob afford this? I’ve literally never heard of him before his connection to Scheana.

Scheana: With Rob, I’m having a gorgeous dinner in Beverly Hills. With Shay I ate microwave dinners.

She really took that whole “for better or for worse, richer or poorer” thing seriously, huh?

Sandoval: I’m looking at Rob and I’m like, “he’s tall, he’s successful, he’s catered this awesome dinner, he smells good, I wonder if he’d suck my dick?”

I feel like if Schwartz and Sandoval just came out already it would save all of the women on this show so much grief.

Tom asks Ariana multiple times AT THE DINNER TABLE, IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE if they can have sex tonight, so yeah, I can see why Ariana doesn’t want to have sex with him.

Scheana is still married on paper to Shay while she’s dating Rob. *whispers* I called it. And yet everyone ostracized Lala for doing literally the exact same thing?


Schwartz comes in with a painting of Sandoval as an anime character and says “this is my way of apologizing for all the shit I put you through for the past few days.”

Katie’s trying to set some serious and much-needed boundaries, and Schwartz just whispers “I love Jager” and “I need my boys’ nights.” Wowwowowow. Ok. Y’all need to give me a minute before I have a rage blackout. So let me get this straight, Schwartz: You black out and you cheat on your wife and your solution is to… keep blacking out? Sometimes I do wonder if this storyline was manufactured purely to make Katie look better after last season.

Ariana and Lala are shopping, and honestly all I care about is who’s paying for this and where I find this hoe-ass store. I need some lace-up jeans in my life.

Lala: I just think it’s fucked up that so many men in relationship fuck every Harry, Dick and Tom and Tom’s hairy dick.

You mean like your boyfriend???

Ariana tells Lala that she doesn’t want anyone touching her vagina. I was going to make a joke about her needing to go to the gyno, but then she revealed that she was seriously abused and it gives her a lot of anxiety, and honestly, there’s not a joke in that. But like, does Tom know about it? Cause like… he should. And if he does, he’s even worse for basically threatening to cheat on Ariana over a few months of inaction. Vanderpump Rules: the reason I have trust issues.

Lala: My mom taught me to thank every part of my body, even though my pores are huge and I have really bad breath in the morning.


Eye Roll

Lala also said on camera that her “kitty cat” “takes that D like a champ.” I am going to need to take a lap before I unpack everything wrong in that one statement. *Dials 911*

Lisa takes Schwartz upstairs at the dog place to talk about the cheating and she says “If you didn’t remember, you wouldn’t be saying ‘mea culpa!’” Lisa, I think “mea culpa” is a little too advanced for this idiot. He also can’t say that he takes his relationship with his wife seriously with a straight face. That is sad. I hope Katie saw this.

SERIOUSLY, Schwartz’s apology for CHEATING ON KATIE is “I’m sorry I hurt you.” What about “I’m sorry I cheated on you”? What about “I’m sorry I betrayed our eternal vows”? What about “I’ll take every step to ensure I never do it again”? Am I the only one who’s taking this seriously?

Crazy Pills

Kristen, Brittany and Scheana are preparing for Brittany’s party to tell Scheana that Rob kissed a hostess at Toca Madera. Scheana starts laughing immediately and is like, “I know this is bullshit.” I’m kind of with Scheana. I mean, what’s his timeline? He goes from the Vanderpump Rules party to Toca Madera, walks in and kisses someone who then calls him out on his relationship, and then he shows up at the after party? Is this dude Usain Bolt? How is he getting around the city and macking on girls before anyone even notices he’s gone?

Kristen says Scheana is being fake because she’s choosing not to believe Katie’s word. I can see now why Scheana doesn’t bother fucking with these people. However, I cannot see why Scheana’s extensions are longer than my will to live.

Jax: I think the only way Scheana would notice if Rob cheated on her would be if he was in the background of one of her selfies.

Say what you want about Jax, but his observations about other people’s relationships are always spot on.

It’s been two minutes and Scheana is already talking about how happy she is with Rob and how she can’t wait to buy a house with Rob one day. Bitch calm down, you’ve been dating for like, 3 hours.

This party has officially descended into debauchery. Lala’s hair is braided. James is freestyling. I wish I had been invited.

Jax is having a heart-to-heart and Brittany walks in, slurring about how she wants Jax to talk to her. She can barely form a sentence but she does manage to tell her that she loves him, and he sarcastically applauds and tells her she won an Oscar. This guy suuuuccccckkkksssss.

Apparently there’s a recording of Jax telling Faith he’s never going to marry Brittany? What the fuck? Is Faith a police detective? What kind of one-woman sting operation is she running? Lala and Brittany decide that NOW is the perfect time to tell Brittany about the audio recording. BUT Y THO? You’re just gonna have to tell her again when she’s not blackout.

So Bravo is really not gonna play the audio for us? Wow, how are they gonna do us like this? Brittany comes in, drunkenly slurring about how much of a piece of shit Jax is, telling him he can rot in hell, and he leaves. And that’s the end of the episode. Personally, I think this recap was one of my best yet, but feel free to disagree with me in the comments.

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Justice For Brittany

Another Monday, another episode of Vanderpump Rules. Last week’s episode wasn’t super exciting, but then again, the season premieres rarely are. We did learn Jax cheated on Brittany with Faith, and don’t even come at me like “Well, we don’t know it’s true yet.” It’s Jax. That shit is true. Also I’d like to add that as I edit this recap I am running on three hours of sleep because I was up half the night thinking to myself, “Poor Brittany. She really didn’t deserve this.” So don’t ever accuse me of being unfeeling *angrily glares at my ex and my therapist* But enough about me (for now). Let’s get into this episode.

We open at Scheana’s birthday party with Kristen outside yelling at Faith to talk to Brittany.

I love that Jax refutes these rumors by saying “I didn’t do anything!” and not “I didn’t do IT.” That’s how you know he’s lying. I should work for the FBI.

Kris Jenner FBI

Lisa’s like, “I never believe what I hear unless it’s about Jax.” Same.

Meanwhile, James asks Jax if he did it, and Jax is like, “Come on, man.” ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION.

Kristen says “Jax can suck my motherfucking dick. I wanna ram my stiletto up his asshole.” Kristen, leave the overly specific threats of violence to Stassi. You can’t pull it off.

Scheana is berating Jax (because we all know he did it), and Sandoval’s version of sticking up for Jax is to say to Scheana, “You didn’t see penetration, you don’t know what happened.” Ironclad defense, Sandoval. Someone get him a law degree.

The next day (or some day later), Ken buys Lisa a Rolls-Royce. I don’t really have any commentary here, except to ask if Ken would be willing to take a second, much younger and poorer, wife.

Stassi: If being good at sex gets you a Rolls-Royce, I must be really bad at sex.

Same. I guess Lala is pretty fucking good then? Is that what the whole “Give them Lala” thing is about? It’s all starting to make sense…

Anyway, Stassi is visiting Lisa because she wants to get into event planning. We’ve really come a long way from “You HATE me, Lisa.”

Stassi Schroeder

Stassi: Jax is so lucky I wasn’t at Scheana’s party, because I’ve always wanted to impale someone and have their head on a spike and keep it in my apartment.

See Kristen? That’s how you threaten someone. Take notes. Clearly Stassi has been watching Parks and Rec.

Leslie Knope Head On A Stick

After commercial break, we open at Chez Bubba, where Brittany comes in crying and the first thing out of her mouth is, “What a thirsty little bitch.” Honestly I’m not sure if she’s referring to Jax or Faith.

Katie: IDK why Jax does this. I just think he has a serious problem.

YA THINK? Wow. While we’re handing out honorary degrees, let’s give Katie a fucking PhD in Psychology.

Just when Brittany calls herself a single person, Jax knocks on the door in a not-at-all staged moment. Honestly, not much to report here except that Jax is still being a piece of shit. At one point Brittany says, “I can’t believe you’d do this for me after all I’ve done for you!” and Jax starts to say “What about everything I’ve done for you?” Dude. Read the room.

James rolls up at Pump (or SUR? I can’t keep track. They’re the same place.) with Raquel, who is wearing daisy dukes while asking Lisa for a job. The guys on this show are trash. Tell your girlfriend to put on some damn pants for a job interview, because Lisa doesn’t play games! 

Lisa: Well, what do you do?

Raquel: *30 seconds of silence, probably contemplating if “breathing every time I remember to” is an answer to that question* What do you mean?

Lisa: Like… for work.

Actual footage of Lisa:

Nick Young

Raquel is studying kinesiology at school? Nope. Sorry. No way. I don’t even know what kinesiology is, and I’m too lazy to look it up, but seeing as it ends in -ology and is not cosmetology, I’m gonna have to say it’s too advanced for Raquel. *Braces self for onslaught of cosmetologists in the comments* I’m just saying, it does not require a science degree.

James takes this opportunity to ask for a job, and Lisa gives it to him! Just when I said Lisa doesn’t take shit. Come on, Lisa. I was rooting for you. We were all rooting for you!

Sandoval, Schwartz, Ariana, Ariana’s brother, etc. are celebrating somebody’s birthday. How are all these people born within a two-day span of each other? Was this a requirement for being on the show? 

How have I never noticed that Ariana and Jeremy are exactly the same person? Literally, they have the same face. It is eerie.

Okay I love Logan, being like “Faith may be in the wrong, but she’s not the one in the relationship.”

Thank You

Brittany comes home and goes straight to her room. Jax barges in, ignoring Brittany’s boundaries (again), and after a little back-and-forth screaming, JAX ADMITS HE CHEATS!!!

Me, the entire world except Brittany:

Pretends To Be Shocked

Jax: In the past I’ve gone through months of denial, but now I only denied it for a few days. I’m a changed man.

I’ll alert Dr. Phil.

Ugh Brittany is the sweetest, she really doesn’t deserve this. UGH SHE’S CRYING INTO THE PUPPY AND NOW I’M CRYING.

I feel like it’s weird that everyone’s saying Faith is Brittany’s friend when I don’t think they’ve ever been showed conversing on camera. Anyone else?

Back at this birthday party, Schwartz is wasted on the phone with Jax and crying for no discernible reason. Schwartz is me: crying while day drinking because he realizes he has no drive or ambition. Sandoval comes over to comfort him and HE starts crying, like, “You’re my best friend, I’ll never let anything bad happen to you.” Sandoval, getting a real job is not considered “something bad happening to you”. Just so ya know.

Sandoval is crying so hard that he smeared his foundation. 

Vanderpump Rules Season 6 Episode 2

Aw, now Brittany is calling her mom crying. Damn it, why did nobody tell me I needed wine and chocolate for this episode? Dis tew much. *Grabs raw cookie dough from the freezer*

Okay, the waterworks fest is over. It’s Long Beach Pride, and I really hope Scheana will sing another song. But so far it’s just Lisa and Ken driving their car through the parade. This is thoroughly uneventful. Although I wonder if this is the same Pride parade that this girl on Reddit wrote about meeting all the SURvers and then Ariana went on a Twitter rant about because the girl said she wasn’t nice in-person? 

I spend too much fucking time on Reddit. Kind of embarrassed, but also shouts out to the r/BravoRealHousewives sub, where I often lurk.

This Pride parade is looking like a House of Yes sex party, with spanking stations and shit. Color me shocked that Sandoval isn’t into BDSM.

Ariana: Tom and I have a lot of issues that we need to work on, and by “work on” I mean “I hope to beat those issues out of him.”

Stassi’s getting ready to go on a date with Patrick.Kristen is like, “I can’t wait to start planning Stassi and Patrick’s wedding,” and, “I love love love love Patrick.” Can I just replay this on loop from now until the episode Patrick dumps Stassi?

Brittany shows up back to work, talking about how she goes from really mad to sad and back and forth, and Scheana’s like “Oh I know me too, that was me six months ago.” First of all, stop making this about you. Second of all, you were so sad you ran into Rob’s arms like, four days later? K. K. That was not a typo, I just really needed to repeat my disbelief.

From the three seconds of Patrick I’ve seen so far, I do NOT get the hype about this dude. He has the appearance of a hipster and the attitude/voice/mannerisms of a dudebro. Ughhh he’s the worst.

Patrick: You’re a really good person who is batshit crazy and uber talented. I hang out with you everyday and I’m still not sick of you.

Stassi: That’s like some Notebook shit.

I guess romance isn’t dead, kids.

Basically, Stassi and Patrick are arguing because he’s like, “first rule of going on a break is you don’t talk about what happened when you were on a break.” Okay, Ross.

We Were On A Break

Back at Sur, Sandoval is telling Jax that Ariana bought a whip. Because Sandoval isn’t whipped enough. Hey-o!

Brittany comes up to the bar and I’m living for the way she ignores the shit out of Jax. Let that be a lesson to you ladies. If Brittany can ignore her asshole ex-boyfriend when she’s two feet in front of him, you can refrain from texting Fuckboy Alex when you’re two vodka sodas deep. (You know who you are.)

Nope. I take it all back. Brittany slept with Jax, so y’all go ahead and text Alex. Whatever, I’m not gonna crucify the girl. Relationships are messy. Say what you want about Brittany (which I have for like, the past two seasons), but she seemed extremely distraught—if she was acting, get her an Oscar. And like, poor thing. She’s the sweetest country bumpkin who’d never hurt a fly, and Jax committed the worst form of betrayal. Brittany of all people didn’t deserve this. Now if you need me, I’m about to light Jax’s mentions tf up. Until next time.