I simply must be honest with you all, I feel as though I’m going soft. I know that the general temperature of Reddit, Bravo Facebook groups, and my esteemed colleague and Bravo expert Dylan Hafer seems to be that this season of Vanderpump Rules is trash. But honestly? I find myself liking it. Sure, the subplot between Dayna and whichever TomTom server she’s chosen that week is fake AF. Sure, we don’t care about Jax and Brittany’s wedding. But you know what I cared about even less? The emotional abuse cycle of Jax cheating on Brittany and generally treating her like sh*t and then gaslighting her for being upset about it. Katie and Tom’s Bubba circle-jerk. Lala going on and on about how she likes to please “her man”. 

For all its flaws, Vanderpump Rules could certainly be a lot worse this season. Just remember that, lest we piss off the Bravo gods with our complaining, and they give us three more seasons of Dayna pretending to be interested in Brett or Max. The reality is, this show is too far gone to ever return to its days when the producers would literally sit back and watch these degenerates tear each other to shreds. The show’s too big now, and (some of) the cast are at least a little conscious of their public perception.

So with that honors thesis out of the way, let’s get into this week’s episode. 

The episode kicks off with Dayna and Brett at a fake bartending school, where they are being taught how to mix drinks by a 12-year-old. (Or at least, he looks like one.) Which is oddly fitting considering Dayna says that being a bartender is “in her blood” since her mom was a bartender who taught her to make dirty martinis when she was eight years old. I mean, something is in her blood—I’m just not sure it’s bartending.

Apparently Schwartz really did lose the marriage certificate again, but not to worry—the Vegas chapels probably know that everyone getting married on their premises and can no longer hold onto their dignity, let alone a piece of paper, so they sent it in on their behalf. Honestly, though, I stand by my sentiment that I would take two failed marriage certificates as a sign from the Universe not to go through with it.

Stassi’s still taking jabs at Beau because he hasn’t proposed yet. Stassi is also mad at Kristen because, basically, Kristen still wants to be Beau’s number one, not considering that that would be wildly inappropriate considering 1) Beau is now dating her good friend, and 2) Kristen has f*cked Stassi’s ex before. Can you wonder why Beau would be extra cautious around Kristen? It’s so Stassi doesn’t, to quote Lala, “pop him”.

Kristen says that she, Stassi, and Kristen built their wine company “from the ground up.” Ah yes, the American Dream! Building a wine company from nothing but the backs of your Instagram followings that were in turn built off the backs of you being cast on a wildly successful reality TV show! Pretty sure that’s what my grandparents left Italy for.

Actually, remember what I said about how this season is a bit of fresh air from the past season’s regurgitated drama? I take it all back because Scheana’s talking to Lisa about her egg retrieval, once again insisting how she’s “not looking for a relationship” and “just having fun being single” and whatever party line she’s been toting out since the last season ended and she got mocked by the whole internet for how she behaved with Adam. Why don’t I buy what Scheana’s trying to sell me? Is it because I’m judging her on past behavior too much and assuming people are incapable of change? Or is it because the lady truly doth protest too much? 

Whatever the reason, Lisa isn’t buying it either, and I can at least be comforted knowing I’m not alone. And the fact that it took Lisa straight-up saying to Scheana’s face that she thinks she’s full of sh*t to get her to admit that her revolving door of men have actually f*cked her up, kind of proves that I was right all along. Vindication!

Between Scheana being upset that her booty calls have not called to check in on her after her egg retrieval surgery and the fact that she busted her knee open after razor scootering, I’ve gotta say, it feels like Old Scheana is back. Is her tooth still gray? Give it one more episode and we’ll get the chunky glasses back. Damn, I forgot how entertaining that Scheana was. I’m actually surprised she’s not walking around on crutches right now.

Scheana tells Dayna that she saw a psychic, and she hired that psychic to have Dayna’s mom come through for her birthday. Oh wow that is so wildly inappropriate that I can’t help but crack up to myself.

Dayna: You’ve never lost a parent
Scheana: I know, but my mom has.

Scheana… my god… you are so stupid. Her need to constantly relate everything back to herself is almost pathological.

This really brings me back to the days when Scheana would needle Shay, a known opioid addict, into drinking because she didn’t want to be married to someone who couldn’t have a few drinks with her.

And even better? Scheana was going to spring this psychic on Dayna THAT VERY SECOND. And she tries to play it off to Dayna like “omg no she’s totally not waiting outside your apartment, I wasn’t going to just have her knock on your door, omg lol can you imagine? Hahaha” but then she proceeds to shut the psychic down… OUTSIDE OF DAYNA’S APARTMENT. Lol, I don’t know if Scheana is truly the most insensitive person alive, or if the producers put her up to this and did her extremely dirty. Listening to her try to play the semantics game that she didn’t have the psychic outside waiting (she was only technically on her way to Dayna’s apartment at the time Dayna asked if she was going to knock on her door) is leading me to believe the former.

In a grim turn of events, Beau reveals to Lisa that he isn’t planning on having Kristen be present at Stassi’s engagement. If he really doesn’t invite her, he might as well enter the Witness Protection Program.

All the new people are at some club, and Dayna’s resorted to her flirting strategy of just showering Brett with compliments and blowing up his ego. If that’s what you need to get a man, I will forever be single, and I’m cool with that tbh.

Oh my god if I could buy an Emmy I would personally empty my bank account to give it to the producer who precipitated this exchange:

Brett: Where I’m from if you and your friend have sex with the same girl, it’s ok.
Producer: And where are you from?
Bretty: Jersey

That’s it, guys. We did it. End the episode here. It’s not going to get any better than this.

Even the new girls have already clued into the fact that Scheana never keeps the same story because she’s worried about looking bad. Damn, it only took them like, a few weeks? They really are smarter than the rest of the cast.

James and Lala are back in the studio, much to the dismay of… anyone with ears. They actually have a pretty productive conversation about sobriety. Also, does having a stress dream about having gotten f*cked up mean I have a drinking problem? Whatever, I’ve only had one today. One… shelf.

Finally we get some back alley action at SUR (not like that, get your mind out of the gutter) when Brett goes out to talk to Scheana. She’s salty that she’s been blowing up his phone and he didn’t text her back. Scheana! He does not have to answer every single one of your texts! He’s not your boyfriend.

Scheana definitely has a point that she shouldn’t bother with friendships in which she puts in all the effort. However, there’s no point in announcing to someone that you’re dropping them as a friend because they don’t put in effort. You just stop putting in the effort and let the friendship fade.

But then Brett tag teams Dayna in, and she’s not over the psychic. I wouldn’t be either, and I wouldn’t even try to be friends with someone that out of touch with reality. I know, I wouldn’t last a second on this show.

It says a lot that Kristen is physically helping set up the wine party and Stassi and Katie just waltz in and start drinking. But honestly… a mood.

This Us Weekly reporter is gonna be so pissed when she watches this season and realizes that Stassi, Katie, and Kristen lied to every single question she asked them in this interview. Lol.

Danica pitches a SUR vs. TomTom softball game, which will be a fun fake plotline later on in the season.

Also, Max comes up to Dayna to basically tell her that he’s pissed about the Brett thing, but they’re both “moving on” and “ready to be friends.” K, sure Jan.

This whole thing of Ariana and Lala talking about why they’re still friends with James does not interest me, so I’m just going to watch IG Stories.

Whoops, I watched Insta stories for too long and almost missed Stassi talking to Beau about how they’re going mausoleum shopping tomorrow (???) when he’s actually going to be popping the question next episode. But was it worth the constant complaining, Beau? WAS IT?? Because I don’t think it was. Stassi, once again, is talking about how she’s over Kristen as a friend. Beau asks her like, one follow-up question and she immediately starts crying.

Me:

Anyway, this is awkward because wine-drunk Kristen goes up to Beau to ask if they’re still friends. Beau actively tries to avoid saying he can’t be friends with her anymore because Stassi doesn’t like her, but Kristen pokes at it until he’s basically forced to admit the truth.

Stassi comes up and tries to pull rank that Beau is her boyfriend, and Kristen just says “this is inappropriate for a wine party” and walks away. Lol. This leads me to wonder what would be appropriate for a wine party? It’s a wine party. I feel like anything goes.

Stassi goes completely ballistic, and ah yes, this is Old Stassi. Damn, first Old Scheana, now Old Stassi? What an episode. Yeah, she’s back on her hive mind bullsh*t where nobody she associates with is allowed to be cool with anyone she doesn’t like. In fact, if you don’t wish ill upon whoever Stassi doesn’t like at the moment, you’re dead to her. Remember Lala circa… up until this past season when she gave them rides on the private jet? Beau, if you would so much as piss on Kristen if she were on fire, Stassi will torpedo your entire relationship.

Stassi gives Beau an ultimatum that he should either go home with her or Kristen. Bud, you might want to rethink that proposal tomorrow. Maybe you shouldn’t have lied to Stassi all summer, and then she wouldn’t have freaked out in a tornado of insecurity. Ya hate to see it!

Images: Bravo; Giphy

Hey all you cool cats and kittens, it’s Sara here, with this week’s Vanderpump Rules recap. Before we get started I must confess that I felt regret about possibly not going hard enough at Lala last episode. Many people on the internet pointed out that it was f*cked up of her to have outed James on television, and truthfully, that fact escaped me. I thought this was old news, and Lala was simply being messy. However, outing someone is a whole different ballgame, and one that is never okay.

Who also acted messy last week? Just about everyone. From Katie and Stassi openly kicking Kristen when she was down to Jax acting like a little bitch about having to put on a damn costume. And with that, the episode opens this week at Lisa’s stables. Oh, I forgot that Ariana is a horse girl but seeing this brought back up is giving me some semblance of joy. At least, I think, it’s been so long since I’ve felt that emotion. However, all the interactions that ensue with said horse have immediately killed whatever approximation to happiness I just felt. First off, there’s the fact that the horse responds to French. Is that really necessary? No. It is just a flex for Lisa to show off the fact that she speaks (okay) French. And also, there’s the thing with the horse penises (I swear, I had to check with my Assistant Editor to make sure this really did happen and I didn’t dream it last night). Did Lisa… try to jack off her horse? Hearing her and Ariana talk about their horses’ dicks just sent me. Goodbye to you all, I shall continue writing this recap from beyond the grave.

And on that note, we are back in Weho, or wherever Stassi lives, where Katie comes bearing In-N-Out for Stassi’s massive hangover.

Actual footage of Katie:

They go over the guest list of Katie’s Wine Night party, and it is the entire female work force of SUR, Pump, and TomTom, plus the female population of Weho, minus Kristen. Yes, I see this ending swimmingly for all parties involved.

Raquel confronts James about the rumor that he was drinking at the friend’s birthday party. James swears on his life that he didn’t, which is not really necessary if there is, in fact, video of this party. I sure hope this alleged drinking incident doesn’t become a whole Taylor/Kanye thing. Should we just release the tape?

At SUR, Scheana is in the middle of bragging about her whip from the other night to Raquel (nobody cares) and Raquel is thankfully given relief by Katie calling her to invite her to wine night. Would I rather listen to Scheana flex about her fake sexploits or drink wine with Katie? That’s a real Sophie’s Choice. I guess I’d choose the wine.

Brett has been “doing YouTube content” for four years, which is giving me major flashbacks to how “seriously” Ariana takes sketch comedy. He tries to give his fake elevator pitch for how #premium the content on his Youtube channel is, while the producers play us actual footage from his channel. It is clear the viewers come for one thing, and one thing only: his abs.

Scheana and Brett are having a hilarious moment where they think they totally understand each other and they could not be on more different pages. In the one corner, you have Brett all but telling Scheana he’d never so much as f*ck her blindfolded. In the other corner, you have Scheana saying in not so many words that she’s down to make him husband number two if he so much as bats his eyelashes in a suggestive way. In the third corner, you have me, dying of secondhand embarrassment.

The Toms, and Max for some reason, are discussing ways to prank Jax. Why is this a storyline, even for pretend? The guys agree to TP Jax’s house. Wasting toilet paper?? In this economy?! Should be a felony. Y’all remember the days when you could just like, waste toilet paper? Watching this is physically hurting me.

Predictably, Jax sees what they’ve done to his tree and does not find it funny, probably because he has no sense of humor unless he’s laughing at someone else’s expense. But also because the only person who would actually find this funny would be Greg Pikitis, and Jax is 40, not a student at Pawnee Middle School.

Brett comes over to film his TikTok or whatever, and Scheana manages to shoehorn in the fact that she had sex last night even though nobody, least of all Brett, asked.

Nobody:
No one:
Not a single soul:
Certainly not Brett:
Scheana: Yea so I didn’t sleep at home last night because I had sex four times.

Oh, Scheana. So sweet. So well-meaning. But so cringey all the same.

The thing about this f*ckgirl comment is that it made 100% sense. Scheana says she’s been dating f*ckboys, Brett points out that you attract the energy you put out, so does that make Scheana a f*ckgirl? He didn’t even really call her that, he asked if she would consider herself that. Big difference, if you ask me. Scheana completely goes ballistic that Brett would “call” her that (probably because, by extension, it means he wouldn’t take her home to mom), and has to assert for the billionth time that she’s just having fun and not looking for a relationship. Say it with me now:

Over at wine night, Katie is back on her mean girl bullsh*t—actually, that phrase implies that she’s ever gotten off of it—and says Kristen got herself not invited to this party. Like, no, you clearly extended this invitation to the entire female population of the U.S. minus Kristen. This is all you. These girls are brutal, sheesh.

Kristen learns about the wine night through Scheana who spilled the beans about this. Now, if this was seasons 2-5 Kristen, she would just crash the f*ck out of this lame gathering. But given that this is Sad Girl Kristen, and not Crazy Kristen, she’s probably just going to cry about it into her dogs. She really is a shell of what she once was.

Me: 

Damn I actually feel bad for Kristen that she wasn’t invited to drink wine with her own wine partner. Dark.

Okay, so Dayna arrives at wine night guns a-blazin’, saying that she grew up drinking 40s and vodka out of plastic gallons, as if that makes her unique or alternative and not just…. A person who was once a teenager. You’ve got to be f*cking kidding. I want to like this girl, but she is making it difficult.

It took Tom confessing for Jax to solve the mystery of who TP’d his tree. Damn, these people are not smart. Hopefully Jax never got all the toilet paper out of the tree because it would be really useful right about now.

Okay, so apparently Raquel was flaunting the fact that she told Scheana to shut the f*ck up, and Lala is taking it upon herself to, like, be Scheana’s mercenary. Or, she said it to Lala and Scheana is involved for unknown reasons? I don’t know. Guess that Real Housewife invitation never came in the mail, so this is what it’s coming to. 

In true gross Lala fashion, she says “people like Raquel need to learn to stay in their lane so people like me can run sh*t.” This seriously gives a dark glimpse into Lala’s own opinion of herself. It is… shall I say… overblown.

Lala basically tries to publicly shame Raquel for talking sh*t about Logan, and like, the whole group doesn’t need to be involved in this. This is weird. She’s like, the teacher trying to humiliate a student in front of the whole class, but in this case, the student didn’t really do anything. And the teacher is also an asshole. Okay, you’re right, this is a terrible analogy. Whatever. Lala tries to circle Raquel like she’s one of the hyenas in the The Lion King and Raquel is a dead carcass (idk, just the imagery I’m getting with these outfits), but it doesn’t quite work because Raquel isn’t letting herself get bullied. *Chris Traeger voice* I am equal parts shocked, and!, impressed.

Lol at Lala being like “don’t say I didn’t genuinely care about James. I set up sessions in the studio because he thrives in the studio.” Oh you mean, studio sessions to work on your song? Imagine that. “Don’t ever say I didn’t care, I set up something for him that also benefited me! See! I’m such a caring friend!” Get this girl outta here.

Queen Charli points out that maybe Lala still likes James, which is why she’s constantly picking at Raquel. She is a very underrated presence on this season, and I hope the producers soon recognize that.

Lol the fact that Raquel calls Lala a rottweiler and Lala is like “no bitch I’m a pitbull. Get it f*cking right.” This is the dumbest fake hard sh*t ever because like, if you were to ask me I would say pitbulls are adorable and rottweilers are a lot more scary. But sure, Lala. Whatever you want.

I truly loved the clip of Lala saying “don’t project on me what you reflect” and Ariana mouthing “what??” to herself. I’m glad I’m not the only person who feels like they are in the Twilight Zone. I wish Lala would stop watching old Tupac movies and get back down to Earth; she was way more likable back then. And by Earth, I mean Utah. Never forget where you came from! 

It’s Jax’s birthday, and basically nobody is dressed up except for Scheana and Jax. I feel that this is good, petty revenge for his temper tantrum at Tom’s birthday.

And the fact that Schwartz gave Jax a foot fleshlight is sending me ONCE AGAIN. Somebody please direct me to the nearest cliff, because I need to fling myself off of it.

Poor Kristen is like “Katie and Stassi are my family, I don’t understand how you can just cut family out. The point of it is that you’re supposed to stick together,” neglecting the fact that people cut their families off all the time. And, see, Kristen, that’s the whole problem when you take a metaphor literally. You get your expectations shattered, and what you’re saying ceases to make any sense. 

And I am now writing this recap from the bottom of the cliff off of which I have flung myself, because Randall is at this birthday party, remarking how he and Jax are in the same age group. I am unwell. 

Okay, I Googled it, and Randall is, in fact, 49 years old. Come on, sir. Calling you and Jax the same age is stretttttching things.

Everybody goes back to Jax’s to have an after party (I think? All their houses look the same). Also, after-partying is not a good idea because Jax is already slurring and making no sense. The two police officers from the movie Superbad come to the party and handcuff Sandoval to arrest him for vandalism, and I can tell right away that this is obviously a prank since literally nobody is reacting. And also because I’m not an idiot.

After it’s all over, Katie flips out, and like, if every single person on this show were not white I would say her whole “turn on the news” objection to having cops arrest someone as a “prank” would be spot-f*cking-on. Still, I will commend this brief flicker of wokeness, even if it is a little misdirected, simply because it’s the closest thing to social/political awareness we will ever get on this show.

Schwartz, instead of comforting his wife, pretends to gag, says he’s never been more turned off in his life, and yells that that’s why he doesn’t have sex with her. Holy sh*t, literally every single guy is like “dude, stop you’re being disgusting, SHUT UP!” If these personifications of misogyny are telling him he’s being gross, you know it’s bad. Katie might be a mean girl and a miserable person, but she doesn’t deserve to get degraded that way and called a moron in front of all their friends and a national viewing audience. The episode ends there. F*cking SHEESH what is with these episodes lately that are ending all dark and depressing? 

Images: Bravo; Giphy

Friends, we have made it to the other side of the apocalypse—for one week so far. So far, I’m doing ok. I have enough toilet paper. I’ve just binged Tiger King on Netflix. Life is… well, certainly not good, but it’s… livable, I suppose. Will I progressively get more and more bleak as time goes on? Probably! Let’s begin with the bleakest thing of all: this godforsaken show.

At least we can rejoice over one thing: Jax and Brittany’s wedding is over, and hopefully with it, everyone’s ass-kissing parade. I cannot take any more of it.

The episode begins with Jax carrying Brittany over the threshold of their house, after Brittany’s insistence that he do it. This feels like an accurate metaphor for their marriage.

Schwartz is having a memorial party for his 3-week-old lizard, and this is the focus of the episode. Damn, just when I thought things couldn’t be any more bleak. But who am I kidding, a memorial for a lizard? After quarantine, I’ll be throwing memorials for like, the ant I stepped on on the street by accident, just for an excuse to see people.

Max tells Schwartz he’s going to blacklist Danica from TomTom for… talking sh*t. This dude is so petty that he is going to ban some girl from a restaurant he doesn’t even own just because of she’s said a few less-than-desirable things about him? Ok.

Jax and Brittany are reminiscing about their wedding, and Jax literally thinks a Powerpoint is this:

How long do you think Jax will hold the cost of the wedding (that he probably did not pay for in full) over Brittany’s head? I wager the entire duration of their marriage.

The one upside of this dumb-ass lizard funeral is that it’s clearly a good excuse to get the whole cast drunk so they can act stupid and dramatic. Schwartz claims that Daug was depressed because he was lethargic and slept a lot. Am I the only one who worries that the lizard was sick and it never occurred to Schwartz to take him to the vet? You’re right, I’m taking this way too seriously.

Jax and Brittany go to visit Lisa, and two things make me seriously scared: one, Brittany uses the word “spray and pray” to describe her (lack of) birth control method, and two, there is a very awkward and prolonged mishap where Lisa is convinced Brittany is pregnant. *Crosses self* not yet.

Back at the funeral party, Danica pulls Max aside and they both play this game of “who’s talking sh*t”.

Max and Danica accusing each other of talking sh*t:

Max admits he’s a petty bitch and was never going to tell Danica she was banned from TomTom, but rather, was intending to wait for her to try to come in so he could have the pleasure of kicking her out. Forget about Scheana, is he 17 or 27?

While Schwartz initially gives Max a blank check to kick out Danica, upon like, 10 seconds of probing, Sandoval discovers that Max’s reasons for banning Danica are 90% personal. Sandoval tells him that’s not okay, and they all vow to not let this happen “again”, as if they’ve already murdered Danica and it’s too late to bring her back to life, and not just fake banned her from a restaurant that they could easily just undo with one conversation or like, a single text.

Over on the other side of the pool, Scheana “notices” that Kristen is not there. Stassi says that her issues with Kristen are not about Carter, even though they started with Carter. 

So.. you’re saying… it’s not about the Carter? Bet. Recap title: acquired.

Kristen feels that Katie is unhappy in her life and projecting her unhappiness onto Kristen. I would use the Spider-Man meme again to describe Katie and Kristen, both two insufferably miserable people, calling the other miserable. But instead I’ll just give you the mental image.

Kristen’s also mad that she’s doing everything for their wine company herself. This is an excellent argument because I see both sides, and they’re both equally wrong. On the one hand, what is Katie doing now that she’s not even pretending to push her wine MLM or her fake beauty blog? Nothing. On the other hand, Katie’s a billion percent right that Kristen just rips sh*t she sees on the internet and screen prints it on a shirt and acts like she has a business idea so novel, every shark on Shark Tank would go in on it. Ahh, we’re finally back to the good old days when I hated everyone. Thank goodness for small miracles.

Now Dayna is all but groveling to get back with Max. He doesn’t take the bait, probably because he knows it’s only a matter of time before he gets exposed with undeniable proof for the last shady thing he did last week.

Sandoval’s throwing a “your most extra self” themed party, which is Sandoval’s existence in a nutshell. I can’t wait to see what he comes up with. 

Lala and Raquel meet at some cafe to have “girl talk”, and I’m honestly scared for how this is going to go with Lala and her head scarf and hoops. She got the big hoops on, which means the big hoop attitude may come out. *Takes deep, calming breaths*

This exchange is so funny to me, and also so real.

Raquel: Before we go any further I just want to make sure you don’t actually think I’m dumb.
Lala: My time means so much to me and I wouldn’t waste it on someone who I think is a true idiot.
Raquel: That means so much to me Lala.

“Not a true idiot” will be my new go-to compliment.

James shows up to Lisa’s place to talk.

Actual footage of Lisa this whole time:

James tells Lisa that he went to his first AA meeting the day before. I’m actually kind of impressed that they didn’t get this on camera. Maybe he really is serious? We can only hope.

James is crying, over at the cafe, Lala is crying, I’m f*cking crying, but you know what? I’m not even mad because at least I’m not crying over the current state of the world.

Brittany and Jax got a marriage license, so at least they have one up on Katie and Schwartz. Jax is bemoaning why he has to be “extra” for Sandoval’s birthday, as if his wedding last weekend wasn’t the most extra affair in all of history. Buck up and put on some eyeliner, for f*ck’s sake.

I don’t love that Scheana immediately ran to Kristen to tell her that Katie sh*t talked her T-shirt line. But I also kind of do love that Scheana is not even trying to ally herself with Katie and Stassi anymore. She’s only tried that for like, what, the past eight years? 

The costumes for Sandoval’s party are f*cking great, with Katie dressing up as her talking heads look (a yikes), Charli dressing up as herself (annoying, and a yikes), Jax dressing up as an old curmudgeon (so, himself). Gotta say, for an extra themed party, I really thought Sandoval’s outfits would involve a lot more glitter.

Apparently Lala heard that James went to a friend’s birthday party (remember, the one from last week he claimed he wasn’t drinking at because he was driving, as if DUIs are not a thing?), and everyone was f*cked up there. 

Well, here’s a portion of Memory Lane I never thought we’d go back down: Logan lying that he made up having hooked up with James. Apparently, Raquel is the only person who does not think this for sure happened. She tells Lala to shut the f*ck up (bad move), but sober Lala actually… takes it in stride instead of completely flying off the handle and verbally “popping” Raquel. Damn, she really has changed. I am actually proud! 

Kristen comes up to Katie and Stassi at the party to ask if they are still doing the wine business together even if they’re no longer friends (sad, you can tell she was really hoping for reassurance that they are still, in fact, friends), and Stassi says that she’s going to work out the remainder of the wine contract, and then she’s out. Way harsh, Tai. Now Kristen is basically beside herself but Stassi and Katie are fresh out of f*cks to give and are not even bothering to pretend to console her.

Damn, Kristen sucks, but does she deserve this? To be told by her former best friends that not only are they not sisters, they don’t even know her any more? How quickly ye forget, the bringer of season 2 drama, the procurer of Miami Girl, the f*cker of Jax! I really hope Kristen gets over her “woe is me” phase and goes full psycho Kristen on these two. That would for sure cement her future on the show.

Images: Bravo; Giphy

I never thought I’d say this—truly, never thought I’d say this—but thank god for Vanderpump Rules. We are living in an actual waking nightmare (as in, when I woke up this morning I thought to myself: I want to sleep more because it’s the only place that isn’t terrifying, unlike reality), and maybe the only thing that will get me through is criticizing Jax and Brittany as if it matters. As if any of it matters anymore. As if it makes a difference whether or not Max is a f*ckboy (he is), whether or not Scheana is desperate (sorry, but it’s true), whether or not Giggy has been secretly dead and taxidermied this whole time (he has, we all know it).

This week, it seems like we may, at the very least, get one form of relief we’ve been begging for: Jax and Brittany’s wedding episode. This has been half a season’s worth of buildup that nobody cares about, so what’s the worst that can happen? Oh right, I throw my computer out the window.

First things first: Brittany’s wedding planner is literally a walking pair of wax lips. Nothing further.

Jax wakes up the morning of his wedding, extremely hungover, which is literally the last way I would want to spend my wedding. Jax is like, “it’s like my body knows how much I spent on this wedding and is working overtime” which is a weird way of saying “this Adderall I railed is working overtime.” But hey, we all have our things!

Schwartz, who has correctly used the word “cacophany” before, does not think “dawdle” is a word. The man never ceases to amaze me.

It’s like, six in the morning, and Kristen is already on the verge of tears because Carter full-on showed up at the hotel he was not staying at. Kristen literally acts like she and Carter are these star-crossed lovers with a timeless love story for the ages because she’s so sad they didn’t work out. Like, ok Juliet. You are an emotionally unstable baby deer and he is a walking beard with Chiclet teeth. Shakespeare would not even waste a sonnet on y’all. It. Is. Not. That. Serious.

Randall, who is supposed to be the groomsman Jax always wanted, is still in bed with Beau pillow-talking like two 12-year-olds at a sleepover. I’m now seeing why he’s dating a 28-year-old. As my dad always says: age is temporary, immaturity lasts forever.

It’s so hot outside that Sandoval is handing out umbrellas to unsuspecting, frying guests. Who could have predicted that for a wedding in the middle of Kentucky in the summer? Oh right, all of us.

Jax walks down the aisle with his godmother, holding his dad’s urn. Brittany is wearing a corset mermaid dress that I did not expect. Yeah, yeah, I saw the People magazine photos months ago, but it doesn’t make sense that for someone who talks so much sh*t about loving princesses, she didn’t go for a princess style gown! Yeah, she looks amazing, but I’m specifically taking issue with the conflict in personal branding. Look, pettiness is all I have at this point.

As Brittany walks around the aisle, Scheana whispers to Ariana, “flowers down, tits out.” Spoken like every girl at the festival formerly known as Coachella.

Hearing Lance Bass call Jax “Jason” is really tripping me out. 

I’m not surprised at all Jax and Brittany’s vows centered around Friends, since it’s not like they have a personality.

Surprisng no one, least of all me, Schwartz “almost loses” the rings. For my own sanity, I’m going to go ahead and believe that the producers put him up to that and it wasn’t real. I really just have to, otherwise I will sink into a depression.

Now, do we think that Brittany is going to change her last name to Taylor? Or Cauchi? Or just leave it as Cartwright? Lance Bass announces them as Brittany and Jax Taylor, which doesn’t feel wrong but it also doesn’t feel quite right. Well, at least her IG handle is @brittany so she doesn’t have to change that. In any case, as Brittany yells, she and Jax are MAAARRIIEEDDD. TG that’s over with.

What a beautiful wedding, what a beautiful wedding said a bridesmaid to a waiter. Yes, but what a shame. What a shame the poor bride’s groom is a cheating sociopath.

Back in LA, Charli says her dream is to get wasted and get married at a Vegas drive-thru one night. And it’s like, girl, if that’s your dream, we can make that happen very easily. I would say dream big, but what do I expect from a girl who doesn’t eat avocados?

At this time, we learn that Danica got a DUI and her biggest takeaway from the ordeal is that having to blow in a breathalyzer is “embarrassing.” I guess I’d be frustrated if I had to use a breathalyzer every 15 minutes in LA traffic, because that would mean I’d have to blow into it every 2 feet. But still, like, you could have killed someone. That’s a little stronger than “embarrassing.” 

Meanwhile, Dayna thinks she f*cked up by dumping Max. Apparently she thought Max went to a fancy restaurant with his ex, when they were really at a sh*tty grab-and-go type place. Did he also meet her for smoothies? What is with these LA dudes and smoothie dates? This is why I can’t move to LA, for all those who are asking (my dad). 

Danica points out (with illustrative cartoons that were totally unnecessary, do less, Bravo editors) that it doesn’t really matter that Max and his ex were at a fast-casual restaurant, they were still together and that’s the point. Dayna intends to get back with Max, causing me to let out an audible groan in my apartment. My roommate, who is next to me on the couch, did not flinch. I don’t know what that says about me, but thought I would share.

Back at the wedding, Carter is salty af that he’s not sitting with Kristen. Then he says, “if I wind up in Kristen’s bed, it happens,” and I reach through the TV and slap him in his baby-sized mouth.

Schwartz gives the longest speech in the history of man. Children have grown up and gone to college. Empires have risen and fallen. All while Schwartz was giving this incoherent speech nobody asked for.

Kristen, looking disheveled, stumbles over to Carter to talk about their relationship. I think my problem with Carter is not that he has baby teeth, but that only his bottom teeth are visible at any given moment. He’s kind of like a bulldog in that respect, but not as cute.

I’m getting major Gigi and Damian vibes from these two wasted “us against the world”-ass bitches. I definitely get the FOMO of seeing all your friends getting their happy endings while you’re still bitterly subtweeting the guys who ghost you (ok, so maybe that’s just a me thing), but has Kristen never heard of the sunk cost fallacy? The solution is to date a non-jackass, not to give the same jackass even more of your time and energy. Geez.

Kristen is ready to kill a bitch for the bouquet, while Brittany is purposely aiming for Stassi. Feel like that sums up Kristen’s role on this show pretty accurately. Thankfully, Brittany’s 18-year-old cousin caught the bouquet. 

Back in LA, James is going to a friend’s party in the Hills, claiming he’s not going to drink since he’s driving. As if that’s ever stopped anyone. (@Danica)

Charli is surprised that Dayna isn’t at the wedding. Does she even know Jax and Brittany? Charli is such a weirdo, but like, a lovable weirdo. I’m excited to see what happens with her.

Hell yea Scheana! She’s making out with some random bald dude at the end of the night. Good for you, sis. Good for you.

After the wedding, it becomes a cash bar, and Jax goes into… I’d say… a half coke rage. Not a full rage. Ok, no, I lied—it’s a full rage. This is reminiscent of the time he went into SUR and flipped everyone off. The reason? Jax had cases of vodka at the other bar that nobody brought in, and now they’re charging people. Sandoval goes into full bartender mode and does the heroic deed of…. Carrying a couple of boxes of vodka over. Not all heroes wear capes.

Oh wow. In their drunken stupor, Brittany says to Jax “we’re married!” and Jax immediately says “big old titties. I love them. Uh, I mean I love them. …I love you!” There ya go, buddy. You love the woman attached to the tits. You do, don’t you?

Me, thinking about this:

The next morning, I guess the coke is still coursing through Jax’s veins, because he’s still raging about potentially being charged late checkout fees. Brittany, with the correct response, can only manage a hungover shrug.

In LA, Dayna pulls Max aside to explain the whole JonesGate thing, which to be honest, I don’t feel has the same weight she’s ascribing it. I’m with Danica on this one—he was still being shady even if he didn’t take his ex out to a fancy dinner. Ouchhhh and Dayna gets rejected by Max, in not so many words. Ya hate to see it. But just like there’s no crying in baseball, there’s no crying over f*ckboys. I won’t allow it.

Kristen ends up in bed with Carter… and Scheana? I would think it’s a joke, but Kristen makes a comment about backsliding, and I don’t know what to believe. They didn’t have a threesome, but did Kristen and Carter smash in the same bed while Scheana was sleeping? Tbh, given her history, I wouldn’t put it past her.

See you all next week, provided we’re still alive!

Images: Bravo; Giphy

This is basically a Sandoval and Ariana fan account at this point (until they do something I don’t like, at which point I will wonder how I could ever stand them). I really hope that Jax and Brittany’s wedding is like, the next episode, because I just cannot pretend to be on Jax and Brittany’s side for the entire season. Let’s get this sh*t over with so everyone can give up the lease they’ve all apparently signed, granting them residence inside Jax and Brittany’s assholes.

Too much?

We begin at Stassi’s birthday, which Stassi apparently didn’t want to celebrate because she had too many weddings to go to this year. Who are you, and what have you done with Stassi? If she doesn’t yell “it’s my f*cking birthday”, is it even her birthday? Honestly, not sure. We’ll have to report back to see if Stassi will, in fact, age. 

Strangely, Jax and Brittany are still going to Ariana’s birthday party, where Sandoval will be. I can’t wait for Jax to cause a scene about Tom causing a scene at his birthday, and then it’s going to just become a wormhole of starting sh*t at birthdays, and then maybe we’ll get catapulted into another dimension where this show never happened because Scheana never slept with Eddie Cibrian!

I could only hope.

Diana comes over to Lisa’s to give her some pictures of her mom and reminisce on the good times. I obviously have no jokes to make here, so I won’t be recapping it, because you all know I’m here to tell the jokes, the whole jokes, and nothing but the jokes, so help me God!

Back at SUR, Raquel is folding napkins with Dayna and Danica to recap her weekend. Raquel apparently got super wasted and blacked out (love it) and Scheana made sure she got home (still love it). James apparently rage-texted her calling her a whore and a slut (hate it). Jesus Christ, he and Katie are more alike than he thinks. In all seriousness, that’s truly gross, and I hope Raquel will be the one strong woman on this show who doesn’t saddle herself to a sentient piece of abusive trash for the rest of her life just because doing so might earn her a few Gs on Instagram.

Sandoval apparently did apologize to Jax, but it was too little, too late (JoJo voice) because as of now, he’s still uninvited from the wedding. Ariana is still undecided, and I’ve got to say that if Ariana skips this wedding, she might as well never talk to any of these girls again  because they’re all going to try to bully her off the show, just like they did with Billie Lee, Raquel, Scheana to an extent, every girl who doesn’t feed into their hive mind…

Okay, it’s party time. Charli remarks on camera that she is keeping the tags on her shirt so she can return it. God, these people are so stupid. They are going to see this!

She and Brett are both scrambling to get ahead of the “our date sucked” narrative, trying frantically to blame the other person for being the reason the date went horribly.

Okay, so Lala, the picture of mental health awareness and sensitivity, decides to tell EVERYONE what Ariana told her about her depression (and wanting to drive off a cliff). Yeah, sure, that’s exactly what she would have wanted, for you to tell Kristen and Katie and people she doesn’t like how much she’s been struggling, when she was reluctant to even tell her own friends. Like, I know Ariana said all this stuff on camera so it would have gotten out anyway, but the least you could do was let the girl control her own narrative.

But it seems to have worked in the sense that now the girls have gone into battle mode and are now fighting for Sandoval to get re-invited to the wedding. I do love that Jax slept with Tom’s girlfriend, and yet this fight about a pastor may be the thing that breaks them. And that Jax thinks the expression for someone who gets walked all over is “a rug.” It’s a doormat, but at least he was close in that it is an object that covers the floor.

Sandoval apologizes again, and Jax tells him it’s “water under the bridge” and he “squashed things” (when? how?), and reinvites Sandoval to the wedding and re-promotes him to best man. And it’s at this point that I’ve got to say that it was brought to my attention by my esteemed colleague, Betchina George, that People magazine published pictures of Jax’s wedding party MONTHS AGO and lo and behold, Sandoval was there the entire time.

So yeah, we are all f*cking idiots for entertaining this storyline for even one second. I can’t even hate the Bravo producers, because I just hate myself. We all got Jaxed!

Meanwhile, Kristen is slurring, asking Katie if she wants to share a shot. Take a whole shot, grow tf up. She’s trying to drunkenly cry to Katie, who has not forgotten that they are not speaking at the moment, even though Kristen’s selective blackout memory has erased that inconvenient fact. Looks like you’ll have to get your sympathy somewhere else, Kristen! May I suggest the women’s bathroom?

Kristen says that “of course” Carter is coming to the wedding, as if Jax and Brittany give one single sh*t if he’s there or not. And I can’t take credit for that sentiment, because Katie is the one who points it out, to Kristen’s face. That truth breaks her. Kristen starts crying and saying “that’s super hurtful.” Why, though? He’s not Jax and Brittany’s friend. They tolerate him and are cool with him if/when he’s your boyfriend, but they aren’t tight.

James is still making a big production out of the fact that he’s “not” drinking, and Raquel confronts him about the texts he sent. James’s rationale is “well if you’d just answered your phone, I wouldn’t have had to do that.” Got it. So Raquel can’t go to the bathroom, can’t sleep, can’t let her phone battery die… this is sounding less like a relationship and more like a hostage situation.

I’m disappointed in James’s behavior but then again, who am I kidding. I can’t be surprised. This is the guy who spit on Kristen’s door and called her ratchet. I forgot because it’s been a few seasons, but James is not a good person to be in a relationship with.

The next day, Brittany and Jax are calling Lance Bass (whom they make a big show out of being on a first-name basis with). Nothing of importance comes from the call; it is mainly a flex that Jax and Brittany used to work for someone who is friends with Lance Bass.

At SUR, Ariana pulls Raquel aside (leaving Jeremy to serve rosé to the customers) to ask about James’s texts. Ariana asks to see the texts, which are basically just pages and pages of insults. Okay, what the f*ck is in the water in LA that every guy is verbally abusing women? *Checks notes on LA* oh right, narcissism. Reason #349287 I’m never moving to LA. So stop asking!!

Scheana missed Ariana’s party, and claims that Charli showed up “dressed as” her, so it was basically like she was there. Did Charli wear an American Girl Doll headband? A crop top wedding dress? No, she just wore a dress that happened to be in a neon hue. Scheana, this is real flimsy, even for you. You can’t claim the entire color scheme of neon as your thing.

At that moment, Charli goes up to confront Scheana about her supposedly telling Brett she was untrustworthy. Scheana fires back her denial so quick, it’s like she had previous knowledge that this confrontation was going to happen at this exact moment.. Scheana’s backup to this claim is that she “doesn’t even use” the word untrustworthy. Scheana, just because you know what it means is not a valid denial!

Charli played this off like an absolute champ and basically shaded the f*ck out of Brett and Scheana while also complimenting Scheana and asserting that she still wants to remain friends. (This is Girl Code in action.) Also shouts out to the Bravo editor who flashed back to Scheana admitting she has a crush on Brett milliseconds after she insisted she and Brett are (you guessed it) “just friends”.

I am f*cking living for Charli as she insults Brett TO HIS FACE about how he immediately ran and told her what Scheana said about her, and brings up the fact that he brought up his ex on a date. I mean, she did ask about her, but still, I love her commitment to being messy. I don’t know where casting found this girl, but thank god they did.

Brett: We were on a lunch gathering now that I know it wasn’t a date

^How I’m going to refer to all my bad dates from now on

I’m f*cking dead with Charli stirring up a bunch of drama and being like “ok well I have to go back to my table now, don’t hate me, if you’re mad about it go write about it in your diary.” 

“Go write about it in your diary” is going to be my next excuse.

Me to the next guy who wrongs me: You can go write about our gathering in your diary.

I love that Jax and Brittany are leaning hard into “wedding week” being a thing, as if the past year has not been dedicated solely to them and their commitment to staying miserable for fame each other.

Honestly, if Stassi walked into my wedding venue and the first thing she said was a mix of Game of Thrones and Downton Abbey, I’d cancel the whole thing.

Lala showed up wearing a white, bridal-adjacent dress to the rehearsal dinner. You can’t wear white to wedding events, that’s just like, the rules of feminism!

LMAO so Katie and Tom’s lizard, Dog (or Daug? I am told it was a Game of Thrones reference) died. I love animals and all, but it is hilarious that Schwartz couldn’t even keep a lizard (or dragon? I am told it was a Game of Thrones thing) alive for more than five minutes.

There are so many weird updos at this rehearsal, this feels less like Vanderpump Rules and more like an audition tape for Real Housewives of New Jersey.

It’s funny to me that Sandoval did a fake advertisement for a best man service, when actually, there is a girl out there who is a bridesmaid for hire. He’s no Jen Glantz, I’ll say that much.

Petty Jax is not ready to give up his beef with Sandoval, and has to remind us all (even though nobody asked) that Schwartz is the #1 Tom in the group. 

James and Raquel are back in LA (I guess they are not going to the wedding, though I guess I never thought they would be), and James is incredibly salty about Jax and Brittany’s hashtag, which let me just say for the record, is objectively a good wedding hashtag. Lol, he’s just pissed he didn’t get the invite. He’s like “ahhh get it! Because Jax got it Wright and that’s Brittany’s last name! Haaa!” Yea dude, that’s the point of hashtags. You literally just described their purpose.

Ew, James is trying to gaslight Raquel so hard and he’s not even good at it. His first line of defense to the rage texts: Yea I said that when I was drunk, I say a lot of things when I’m drunk, I’m never mean to you sober, am I?

But I thought you weren’t drinking…….

Me:

His second line of defense: Ok maybe I get a tone with you when I’m sober, but I’m British, that’s who I am. If you don’t like who I am then leave.

His third line of defense: cut it out or I’m gonna leave you right now.

And then he’s out… but he’s back two seconds later with puppy dog eyes, a baby voice, and a half-assed apology. Except he’s not even listening to her while she talks; he’s looking at his nails, not making eye contact.

Queen Raquel is being extremely mature and intending to go to an AlAnon Meeting, which frankly, every person on this cast should probably do. I do feel like, without the distraction of Jax being in a coke-fueled rage or Kristen blacking out and falling over, I can’t ignore the fact that James does have a serious drinking problem and should probably never drink again in his life. I know Lisa has been saying it for at least the past season, but you got me! I’m finally in agreement now. You got me! I’m on board.

Images: Bravo; Giphy

We’re only on week 8 of Vanderpump Rules, and I don’t know about you guys, but I think I’ve aged approximately 75 years. Serious question, is following this show now considered a form of masochism? Because if so, I think that’s my kink. *Adds to dating app profile*

Last week was basically all about the pasta pastor, and Jax and Brittany’s lame attempts to avoid talking about him so as not to look bad on camera. Judging by Reddit, Twitter, and the mandatory survey I make all my friends take after watching each episode, that strategy backfired on them big time. We ended the episode with Brittany screaming at Sandoval (because he dared question Jax and Brittany’s motives for waiting to act for so long) and threatening to knock him out. (Or, I guess if you want to get technical, begging Jax to knock him out.) Now, I don’t advocate for violence, but I would love to see Brittany and Sandoval have a full-on brawl. There would be hair extensions and gel everywhere. In all honesty, I think Sandoval would win, if only because his hair and skin would be so oiled-up, Brittany wouldn’t be able to get a hold of him.

Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself, and I don’t want this to turn into a Brian Moylan-esque fan fic. 

At Katie and Tom’s, they have gotten a lizard that they have aptly named… dog. For some reason, this feels like the most Schwartzy thing ever. They’re sh*t talking Sandoval for trying to “act woke” as if they all weren’t doing that earlier last episode. At least when Sandoval acts woke, he does it in public where he can actually maybe do something, versus just pretending to be woke in private for the cameras!

Jax is fully ready to kick Sandoval out of his wedding party because Sandoval hasn’t called him to apologize for… asking a question that caused Jax to go into a rage spiral. Jax having full-on coke-rage-eyes while trying to insist he’s “not mad about it” is pretty f*cking hilarious, though.

Meanwhile, Sandoval and Ariana are over at their house pow-wowing. I don’t really care about his methods, I’m still Team Sandoval. Ariana shades Brittany for claiming she lives in a fairytale world, when she doesn’t know what princess tries to encourage the groom to commit aggravated assault. Maybe not in any of the Disney franchises, but probably the trailer park princesses Brittany grew up watching. Just kidding! Was that too far?

Eek, speaking of trailer park soulmates, Lala and Randall are renovating their home. I’ve also noticed that Lala owns three shirts, and they all consist of giant screen-prints of her face on them. Well, there’s something to be said for consistency.

Randall is on camera for the first time, and I’ve gotta say I did not really expect his voice to be like that. I don’t know what I expected, but I didn’t expect it to be… normal. (Does anyone think he kind of sounds like Andy Cohen? No? Just me?) Also, I do not want to hear Randall’s opinion on this feud. This is ridiculous. It would be like me commenting on the goings-on at my local high school.

At Villa Rosa, Brett comes over to train Lisa, but she didn’t manage to tell him that her “foot kind of hurts” so she won’t be training (me thinking of bullsh*t excuses to avoid playing soccer in summer camp). Lisa waiting until Brett shows up at her house to train her, only to tell him she can’t train that day, is apparently not an abnormal occurrence for Brett. Is anyone else going to comment on the borderline sexual harassment vibes here? Like, Lisa seems legit jealous that Brett is hooking up with other hostesses… and not her. 

Meanwhile at SUR, Dayna is under the impression that she and Max are exclusive. Why would she have that crazy idea? Oh, idk, because they explicitly had an agreement to be exclusive. Meanwhile, this jackass is borderline claiming not to remember because he was “really tired” when they had that conversation. That’s not a thing.

Jax comes to SUR, and walks up to the bar, full coke eyes, to accost Sandoval in the back alley. Ah, just like the old days. This conversation plays out exactly like what would happen if you got a call from a spoofed number and called that number back:

Tom: Hey what’s up man?
Jax: I don’t know, what’s up with you? You got something to say to me?
Tom: You called me tho…

Jax is so funny, being like “do you want to say something to me? Sorry, maybe?” and he invites Sandoval to apologize, but not actually apologize, because he tells him that if he tries to “deflect” or “bring up the past” (this entire situation is by definition rooted in the past) then he’ll walk.

Sandoval: You know who doesn’t like the past being brought up? Hypocrites and people with bad credit.

Well, we all know Jax is probably both.

This argument is basically a boiled-down version of the “I’m the number one guy in the group” argument, where Jax is accusing Tom of trying to sabotage him or something. I’d also like a producer cut of Jax ever apologizing, while he accuses Sandoval of never apologizing? Come on, are y’all asleep this episode or what?

Jax uninvites him from the wedding, so Sandoval finally apologizes. Damn, is the open bar gonna be that good that it’s worth your integrity?

Over at SUR, Brett asks Charli out. Why does this have to be so incestuous of a workplace? *Checks notes* oh right, because it’s a bar. Charli is reluctant, but says yes because “a millionaire” once told her “you always say yes to a date so you can keep them guessing the second, third, fourth time.” I want to see less of this Charli/Brett showmance and more of this alleged millionaire sage. Was it Randall?

Speaking of millionaires giving unsolicited advice, Lala and Randall go to meet Jax and Brittany for dinner, really doubling down on the Randall appearances this episode. This guy went from 0 to 60 in the span of 20 minutes. I’m sort of impressed by how quickly he flip-flopped from avoiding the show at all costs to inserting himself into every scene. That Fofty money really made a dent, huh?

Speaking of 0 to 60, Jax goes into ANOTHER full-on rage (this is my Christmas), talking sh*t about Sandoval, telling him he needs to “figure out his girlfriend’s issues, figure out what sexuality she is because it changes every day.” Okay, I don’t have to go into how disgusting of a comment that is, we all know, right? And Lala doesn’t say anything, because that’s how good of a party Jax and Brittany are throwing, apparently. And as someone who has hooked up with Ariana, no less! Say what you want about me, but my morals are worth more than a $150 plated dinner. $151, though? You might have a deal.

Brittany goes to semi agree with Jax, but because she’s not repeating what he’s saying verbatim, he goes into a full manipulation spiral, like “why can’t you just support me? Why can’t you just agree with me, all the time, no questions asked, like a woman is supposed to do?” Season 6 Jax, I wondered when you would make an appearance again.

Lala calls Ariana a wet blanket, and she and Brittany agree that Sandoval and Ariana don’t want to see people do well. IT’S CALLED HAVING A F*CKING MORAL COMPASS, LOOK IT UP.

Oh, now ALL OF A SUDDEN Jax reveals that he’s “always” wanted to have Randall in his wedding. “Always”? I’m sure it has nothing to do with the private jets or vacations. But sure, he’s always wanted Randall there. Ever since… Two days ago. They go way back. 

Maybe this whole fight was orchestrated so they could kick Sandoval out of the wedding, get Randall in there, and get some more PJ flights? Is that crazy, or am I onto something?

Also, I have no doubt in my mind that Sandoval and Ariana will be at this wedding, but if for some reason they really don’t go, then we should have all partied with Tom and Ariana. A missed opportunity!

Sandoval tells Schwartz he’s been uninvited from the wedding, and Schwartz doesn’t think that Sandoval approached this correctly. He says “you came at it with an accusatory tone.” Yeah, I’d say that’s pretty much hard to avoid when you are deadass accusing someone of turning a blind eye until they were forced to do something because of the optics. Schwartz says he’s going to have to “go over to make a case,” and now the two of them are having a crying heart-to-heart because god forbid Schwartz do anything by himself, even standing up at an altar. Seriously, what do best men even do? Give one speech? Can Schwartz do anything? 

Over in Marina Del Rey, Scheana calls Brett because she’s cooking her “famous enchiladas” and invites him over. (So famous nobody has heard of them.) Brett has to break the news that he’s actually going on a date with Charli, and you can tell poor Scheana is gutted, telling Brett he needs someone a little more mature. But you guys, she’s just giving advice on who he should date because he’s her “best friend”! She totally doesn’t want to sleep with him at all!

While the guys try on their wedding suits (a week before? What if they needed another alteration?) Ariana comes over to talk to Brittany. Jax doesn’t even wait until Ariana’s out of earshot before saying “this is an awkward situation.” 

Brittany is still sticking to the lie that she didn’t see anything that the Pastor had said. 

All of us:
Jax is sticking to his decision that Sandoval is out of the wedding. Dark. I actually didn’t think that would happen. 

Brett and Charlie are on a date for… smoothies? Are you f*cking serious? I’d be out of here.

Charli says she has only tried an avocado earlier this year, which reminds me of the time it took my father 55 years on Earth to try one orange. Like, the fruit. In my dad’s defense, he grew up so poor he ate ketchup sandwiches. Wait, was that just a joke? Wait, was he also joking about it being illegal to drive with the lights on in your car? Wait.

Anyway, if the “I’m not like other girls, I’ve never had an avocado” shtick wasn’t annoying enough, she’s also sticking to the pasta thing. Good god, get this girl outta here.

She also asks Brett about his ex, only to make fun of him for talking about his ex. That is some Lisa Vanderpump level of meddling. However, Brett does think “genuitity” is a word, so there’s that. I’m just going to start doing what Charli does and sh*t talk guys to their face, being like “wow, you’re still talking? I’ve never even listened to a podcast this long!” Just kidding, I’m not nearly hot enough to do that. Maybe if I stop eating avocados and pasta? No, you’re right, I’m still not hot enough to make having the food preferences of a toddler my central personality trait. Ok, back to the drawing board!

The next day (or however they edit the passage of time on this show), Jax and Brittany go over to Lisa’s so she can tell them that she can’t come to the wedding because her mother passed away. 

I love that from Lisa’s “life is short” speech, Jax has appeared to glean the exact opposite. Instead of being like “f*ck it, let’s have Sandoval come, you never know what will happen in the future, and we should cherish the time we have with our loved ones while we have it”, Jax has adopted a fake mobster mentality of “I took care of a family member and a best friend. Who’s next?” You’d think the takeaway of a “life can be taken from you at any moment” speech would be “let me reconcile with all my friends”, not “let me double down on cutting everyone out of my life who disagrees with me.”

Ariana meets with Lala and Stassi, who are basically telling her to roll over to keep the peace. Lala is a trip, calling Ariana a wet blanket in one breath and then being incredulous that she wouldn’t want to talk about her mental health struggles the next. God, these people. How far do you have to stick your head up your own surgically-enhanced ass to not see the glaring hypocrisy here? And to not fathom why Ariana would be reluctant to open up about her mental health struggles, when all you’ve done is call her a Debby Downer and a wet blanket? 

Seeing Ariana break down in front of Sandoval is making me borderline feel actual emotions. And again I say, we must protect Ariana at all costs. She’s like, the only person on this show I care about, mostly because she doesn’t believe in blind, unwavering loyalty and is just as over these people as I am. Love you sis!

Images: Bravo; Giphy

Hi all! I’m back for my second and final Vanderpump Rules recap, as you’ll be back to your regularly scheduled programming upon Sgt. Olivia Betchson’s return next week. I’ll be sad because I will technically no longer receive the early screeners, but I’ll be happy because I was able to memorize the passwords to get me into the site. JK, NBC!! This brain is like a sieve for passwords. Please still let Betches watch your show early!

As a reminder, last week James’s mom begged Lisa for his job back, Lala and Brittany got their butts all pretty, and Stassi and Ariana had a joint cold themed birthday party which ended in a Stassi meltdown. Will she be forced to use her shattered iPhone for a year and a half like the rest of us peasants? Let’s find out!

We open on the morning after the party. Everyone looks like they’re in their late 30’s and were binge-drinking until the wee hours of the night. Oh wait…

The girls are recounting what happened last night. Apparently after Stassi smashed her phone, she came out screaming at Beau, and he proceeded to cry and say he wasn’t her punching bag. Ruh roh.

Stassi and Beau meet up outside and it appears that neither one has stopped crying since we ended last week’s episode. Can we get some tissues over here?

Beau: You dick-punched my heart
Me:

Stassi is feeling a lot of regret over her drunken actions and is worried Beau is going to dump her. Girl, I know this feeling. In fact, It’s Britney, Betch and I call it “I hate me,” and we often gchat it to each other after we’ve vomited into a garbage can at work.

Beau is very forgiving and sweet and I’m wondering if Stassi can please lead me to the factory in heaven where she found him so I can pick one up for myself. I will request that mine wear pants.

If there’s one person that is feeling good in the morning it’s James, because he’s temporarily, once again, replaced his alcohol addiction with an ice cream addiction. Better be careful with that rocky road James, I wouldn’t want anyone to tell you to lose some f*cking weight.

James’s ice cream friend: How did sobriety work out for you?
James: 

Literally this exact scene played out two years ago and we know how that ended up. Maybe he needs a better flavor of ice cream? Perhaps hit up a Ben & Jerry’s instead? They put potato chips in ice cream! It’s bonkers, it makes no sense, and it is DIVINE.

Ice Cream Man and James have a lovely conversation, discussing what he likes about himself when he’s sober and why he shouldn’t take that next drink. Then it immediately cuts to the interview session where James is sitting next to a cocktail. Should this come with a spoiler alert?

Over at SUR, Lisa has called a staff meeting so they can all gossip about James. It seems like the managers are all on James’s side and are mad that he got fired since Tuesday nights were good for business. WOW. Honestly I am so freaking mad right now. This is why women don’t say anything about harassment in the workplace! Because to some people, money is more important than the fact that a co-worker just kissed my head when I explicitly pulled away and said I was sick. I’m just saying HYPOTHETICALLY, of course.

Brittany is me right now. This is bullsh*t. I’m sorry Lisa, but by scolding Brittany you are making yourself look bad right now. NOW SCHEANA IS TELLING BRITTANY NOT TO WORK WHEN JAMES IS THERE. GUYS. I’ve had enough. I think 2019 is the year I go off the grid. I’m not talking like, “moving to a shack on the beach in Hawaii and becoming one with mother nature and not getting the internet” kind of off the grid. I mean like, “moving to Mars” off the grid. F*ck this planet.

Then, of course, Jax has to ruin the point Brittany is making by asking how many times James has been fired. Jax, you hypocritical little kleptomaniac with a nose job addiction, please shut up.

Now Billie Lee says that it’s all Kristen’s fault that James blows up and ruins his life. Exsqueeze me? Look, I have a Kristen Doute voodoo doll in my purse and even I don’t think it’s her fault James drinks to the point of blacking out and unleashes his rage on the closest female present. No one else is responsible for his actions!! These people are like 40 f*cking years old, how do they not know this yet? Does your brain stop learning once you’ve starred on a reality TV show? Can we get a study going?

This meeting is clearly a clusterf*ck. Lisa, next time you fire someone maybe just stand strong in your decision and not let your bartenders have an opinion on it?

Over at Stassi’s apartment, she is about to Skype with her publisher and she’s wondering if she looks literary-chic. Hold the phone, STASSI IS GETTING A BOOK?! Brb while I cry about my life and the hundreds of thousands of dollars wasted on my degrees and my zero book deals to show for it. Turns out I could have just bullied my friends on TV for years instead.

Okay I’ve returned, but my face does look concerningly like everyone’s post-birthday party face. FYI Stassi you don’t need to worry about looking “literary-chic” for your Skype date. As someone who worked at a major publishing house for many years, I can assure you that 90% of the people there are wearing a sweater they knitted of their cat. Here’s a big secret, don’t tell: It ain’t like anything like Younger. Oh wait. It turns out I know her publicist! I can assure you that she actually does dress nicely and is super sweet so I take it all back. She doesn’t even have any cats. Hi Meagan!

Stassi is stressed about getting her book done because she “has so much to do.” Her excuse is that Kristen’s mom is in town. TBH the same thing happens to me with writing these articles except I’m too busy because I have so many more episodes of Criminal Minds to watch. What? It won’t be on Netflix forever!  

Over to Lisa and Ken at SUR. They’re talking about how they’re hosting a Daily Mail party at Tom Tom. Schwartz and Sandoval are there “auditioning” cocktails for the party. I’d legit give my left arm to have someone audition cocktails for me. It’s useless anyway, and I never know what to do with it in pictures.

Okay one of these drinks literally has balls of mozzarella cheese on top. Well HELLO BOYS, are you reading my mind?! One simple note: when you bring me this drink, turn those mozzarella balls into mozzarella sticks and your fancy drink into marinara sauce and We. Are. In. Business.

Stassi, Katie, and Brittany are headed to this place called Rage Ground where you can break a ton of sh*t and no one will file a police report against you. SIGN ME UP. Do these exist in New Jersey? Because I have to say, I think we might be group of people that would get a lot of use out of something like this.

OHHH SMASHING PLATES OVER THEIR RENT. I can get on board with that. Although I’d need about 400 more plates and I’d like my landlord to lay on the ground. But sadly I can’t afford to go to Rage Ground since my rent is so high.

Oh JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL. Scheana is on a date with Robby from The Bachelor. I’m glad they told me that it was him, though, because I honestly thought Adam just got botox in between episodes. I swear, Robby and Adam are like if your mom got you a Ken Doll for Christmas and your aunt got you the same thing and then you took them out of the boxes and laid them next to each other and gave one a set of veneers with your leftover chiclets. And it totally works out because the real life versions are also not anatomically correct.

Oh what do you know, Robby is friends with Adam. And the tangled web these famewhores weave gets even more tangled.

Stassi calls Robby a “cheesy douche” and I’ve never felt more understood. Also, that phrase could describe about 99% of the dudes on The Bachelor. Except you, Sean Lowe, my beloved! I would never say that about you. Call me?

Ugh this whole date is uncomfortable and honestly it feels like a Bachelor date. They did something ridiculous that no one would do in real life, then sat down and talked about their feelings and before anyone said anything real, Robby went in for the kiss. It’s like if Robby is on a reality show and doesn’t go on a contrived date, his spray tan will rebel against him and evaporate.

Scheana rn:

But seriously, is this her audition tape for next season?

It’s unloading day at Tom Tom, and Nick Alain is there to decorate the space. I can’t wait to see it! The Toms show up even though they were told not to. How many precious, irreplaceable, one-of-a kind clocks do we think Schwartzie can destroy in a single accidental touch?

Later that day Kristen is having a relaunch for her T-shirt line. Guys, I’m no Anna Wintour, but this T-shirt line is objectively terrible, am I right? Like, I distinctly recall making iron-on T-shirts in high school that were more innovative than this. Doute, stick to what you’re good at. Digging up dirt on your ex-boyfriends, ruining their lives, and grinning maniacally in the corner while it all goes down.

We flashback to Ariana and Lala talking about James. Lala wants to try and connect with him. TBH I can’t really pay attention to them because I’m trying to figure out where they are and why there is a white board behind Lala that appears to have a drawing of a superhero potato? And it also has the words “NECK: prevent sagging”. An important goal. But, is this something you really need to whiteboard? I would certainly use a whiteboard when I’m hunting serial killers or mapping out the Philly Special, but you don’t really need one figure out how to prevent neck sagging. Or do you??

Lala calls James from the party, and naturally he is suspicious of her intentions. James agrees to meet up even though he she won’t tell him what it’s about. I can tell you what it’s not about, though. It’s not about the pasta!

Beau shows up at the party, and if I’m not mistaken he is wearing the sweater version of the weird floral dress Stassi was wearing the day after her party? Did they find a pair of curtains they really liked and commission Giselle from Enchanted into making them matching outfits? I see no other explanation.

OH BOY. James is DJing the party at Tom Tom. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Look, I am all for second chances (or in James’s case, third chances or tenth chances or whatever) but give him time to better himself! Make him prove it! He’s done nothing except get ice cream and cry, and as we all know from the wise Lorelai Gilmore, that is the wallowing stage. He needs more time.

At the party, Stassi’s mom is telling Beau “her clock is ticking” and she needs grandchildren. What? Isn’t Stassi’s brother like, eleven? Slow your roll, lady.

Lala and James meet up for iced vanilla lattes and soul searching. James is real with her and tells her that it’s the alcohol and he knows he needs to stop. I do think it was nice of Lala to show James some grace and I hope it helps him get his sh*t together. I won’t hold my breath though, because I don’t want to die.

Katie, Stassi, Kristen, and their moms all go out to dinner together. Dayna, Stassi’s mom, seems v obsessed with Kristen. I’m uncomfortable. Is she already drunk?

At dinner, Stassi’s mom is all over Stassi and is actually putting her face in her hair and smelling her, and TBH if my mom ever did that to me I’d ghost her. Thanks for giving me life and feeding me and answering my calls when I need to know if chicken is too old to eat, but we’re never speaking again, k?

Now Dayna is claiming that her ovaries are being absorbed into her body? Wait. Is that what menopause is? I don’t have a strong grasp on science, but I feel pretty confident saying this is not what happens. Is her doctor really just a woman she found sitting in the corner of the Palm Springs supermarket doing tarot card readings?

Kristen and Stassi are literally attacking each other at this dinner in front of their moms! Dayna leaves the table to go cry and Kristen and Katie’s moms are wishing they had a DeLorean so they could go back and say no to this dinner invitation.

Dayna is sobbing, “I just need her to hold me and tell me that she loves me.” I really appreciate Bravo showing me the cast’s moms this season. It’s all making so much sense. And making me very thankful for my mentally stable non-alcoholic mother.

Stassi is scared that one day that’s going to be her. Why yes it is, Stassi. And one day is today.

And that’s all! Thank you guys for reading, and for those of you that hated me last week, I only cried about it a little!

Images: Giphy (5)