‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: From Dark To Clarke

Another week into quarantine, another episode of Vanderpump Rules. Last week, I know a lot of other stuff happened (something with Dayna, maybe?) but truthfully the only thing I can remember is Stassi squawking “Beau, am I your person? Am I not? Am I not? Am I not?” like a demented seagull from Finding Nemo upon finding out that Beau would dare speak to Kristen without Stassi’s express approval. She basically almost starts honking “Mine! Mine!” at Kristen before the episode cuts.

But this week, the episode starts not back at the party like I thought it would, but at Beau’s place, where Stassi busts in apologizing. Beau admits in his talking head what I’ve been screaming into the void for the past two episodes now: that this entire argument could have been avoided if he would have just told Stassi he is planning on proposing, but says this would “ruin” everything he’s been planning for the last 6-7 months. That’s right, you can’t put a price or timeline on putting your S.O. through the emotional ringer, can ya!

I know this is immaterial, but what the hell is instant mac and cheese “cacio e pepe” style? Did Stassi just dump a bunch of pepper into Annie’s bunny-shaped mac and cheese? I would like this recipe.

Ugh, so this fake softball game plotline is still going on and Danica is talking about it, the next day. I was hoping this would go the way of every brunch invite I make with random girls I meet when I’m drunk: once daylight hits, we never speak about it again. Alas, it looks like I’m going to pretend to give a crap about these nonexistent stakes. Watching everyone talk about “the big game” and try to hype it up as if it matters at all is insulting to my intelligence. It’s not as if there aren’t other storylines out there they could have explored instead. You mean to tell me they cut Scheana’s egg freezing process for this? You mean to tell me you cut Danica’s restraining-order-having ass for this? 

In any case, Stassi and Beau’s engagement is about to happen. Some people get married and then have kids, some have kids and then get married, and then Stassi and Beau go mausoleum shopping before even getting engaged.

They sit down on a bench, where Beau’s friend has hidden the engagement ring in some weird old-looking metal orb thing, and Beau pops the question. Stassi cannot stop smiling and saying “shut the f*ck up.” It may be the most relatable she’s ever been. Am I crying because this is moving, or because I didn’t fall asleep until 6am last night? Or am I crying because this is the closest to emotional range we will experience this quarantine? Impossible to say.

Stassi calls Katie to let her know Beau popped the question, and now I’m confused because I thought we spent the last 2-3 episodes nailing down the fact that Katie was going to be present at the proposal and Kristen wasn’t? Unless it’s that Kristen isn’t even going to be invited to the post-proposal party at Lisa’s house, in which case, Lisa should just call the fire marshall now. I don’t even know anymore, I’ll blame it on the quarantine and not the fact that I text through like, half this show anyway. Drag me, IDGAF!

Of course Stassi immediately posted her engagement on Instagram, so now the rest of the cast has to talk about it excitedly as if they a) didn’t already know this was happening in advance and b) care.

Ok, so Kristen will not be at the engagement party, and this is a serious yikes. Lala calls her to break the news, which proves unnecessary because Kristen has already figured it out. Damn, I guess she’s smarter than I give her credit for.

Lala’s argument that it was weird for Kristen, a 36-year-old, to ask Beau if they’re still friends makes zero sense, considering that Kristen, a 36-year-old, has to ask Stassi if they are still friends. Like???

Actual footage of Katie the second Lala gets off the phone with Kristen: 

she's so annoying mean girls

Carter takes this opportunity to rage-text Beau that he should thank Kristen for hooking him and Stassi up, and says Stassi shutting Kristen out is “some cold blooded sh*t right there.” He’s not wrong, but he was the absolute worst messenger for this. Like, pretty sure Patrick would have been better received to deliver this point.

One stupid plotline I do love, though, is Schwartz’s unnecessarily elaborate cover for the engagement party, that he’s preparing a seven-course feast complete with individual cast-iron skillets. Ariana bought this, for some reason, and neglected to eat all day. A rookie mistake, ya hate to see it. I kind of feel like she played herself—Schwartz can’t even manage to hold onto a piece of paper for one night. Did she really think he could pull off a seven-course meal? 

I also have to applaud Lisa’s subtle shade of Stassi’s outfit, which I’m sorry to say, is pretty heinous. Lisa is like, “I have a dress upstairs if you want to borrow it. No, really. It’s right upstairs. I can just grab it.”

As someone who likes to use the phrase “raw dogging” in incorrect context because I think it’s funny, hearing Katie refer to Beau’s haphazard storage of the ring as “raw dogging it around” has made me rethink all of my choices. So thanks for that.

The engagement party is absolutely gorgeous, and Brittany is fuming that her engagement party was just at her apartment with like, a Costco cheese platter, versus Stassi’s Villa Rosa engagement party, complete with individual cheese boards for each guest. A real “what you order online vs. what comes in the mail” of engagement parties.

sucks to suck

Meanwhile, Scheana is being the most on-brand she’s ever been, pestering Stassi’s, like, 15-year-old brother Nikolai about whether he has a girlfriend and borderline hitting on him.

If you had to choose one sound to hear before you die, would it be Brittany’s “I’M ENGAAAAYUGED” screech or Beau’s “I’m engaaaaaaaged mothaf*ckas” song? I think I’m going with Beau’s. But it’s a real Sophie’s Choice.

Over at SUR, Charli reveals she finally tried pasta for the first time! Not the kind at SUR (which we all know is nose pasta), but actual noodles! 

Growth

Also at SUR, but far less interesting, Dayna and Brett continue to sow the seeds of their fake relationship.

Stassi putting her engagement ring in her dog’s face until he licks it is the new Jessica feeding her dog red wine on Love is Blind.

The day after getting engaged, Stassi starts talking about having a small, romantic wedding in Italy.

All of us, knowing what’s to come: 

louise belcher

So over… wherever the hell Kristen lives, Jax and Brittany have come over so Jax could mow Kristen’s lawn. Not a euphemism.

Honestly, maybe Brittany is a better person than everyone because she’s still friends with Kristen for unknown reasons, despite the fact that basically nobody else is.

Here’s an idea, guys. How about instead of recapping this dumbass softball game, I insert a couple gifs from The Sandlot? That cool?

I do predict that Danica’s chaotic captain energy and Scheana’s surprisingly good windmill pitch (she doesn’t really have the whole stride/release thing down—yeah I pitched softball throughout high school—but it’s decent and looks intimidating, at least) may take this one, though.

Katie doesn’t want to bat and is just here to eat the sunflower seeds. It’s the most relatable she has ever been.

Really, how bored are these f*cking producers that they had Ariana narrate the game like this is a f*cking Next episode?? Max wants to hit a home run. But Scheana’s hoping he’ll strike out. Let’s see if he commits an error, on the Next bus. Get out of here.

Over in the dugout, James is on the “making amends” step of AA so he apologizes to Katie. She’s understandably skeptical because she’s heard it countless times, though she does seem to take the apology with grace. 

Katie? Grace?

*does a double take*

No, my eyes do not appear to deceive me. Wow. 2020 is a trip.

Charli gets her first underrated comment of the episode: I’m really competitive, probably because I didn’t have a dad growing up. Ok HOW does this girl not get more screentime, but we have to watch Kristen mope about for exactly one-third of every episode? This is a travesty of justice.

Raquel is so cute for thinking that being in pageants has somehow prepared her to play softball, and she goads Jax not to underestimate her as she straight-up sashays to second base. That was cute but also could have been a triple if she actually, ya know, ran. Wait, why am I actually recapping this game like I care? 

SUR wins, Tom Sandoval is definitely going to cry about it later, and that’s the end of the episode. Will Sandoval steal Ariana’s heart? Will Jax run away from his marriage? Will Brett slide into third base with Dayna? Find out next week, on Vanderpump Rules. 

Images: Bravo; Tenor (2); Giphy (2)

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Inappropriate For A Wine Party

I simply must be honest with you all, I feel as though I’m going soft. I know that the general temperature of Reddit, Bravo Facebook groups, and my esteemed colleague and Bravo expert Dylan Hafer seems to be that this season of Vanderpump Rules is trash. But honestly? I find myself liking it. Sure, the subplot between Dayna and whichever TomTom server she’s chosen that week is fake AF. Sure, we don’t care about Jax and Brittany’s wedding. But you know what I cared about even less? The emotional abuse cycle of Jax cheating on Brittany and generally treating her like sh*t and then gaslighting her for being upset about it. Katie and Tom’s Bubba circle-jerk. Lala going on and on about how she likes to please “her man”. 

For all its flaws, Vanderpump Rules could certainly be a lot worse this season. Just remember that, lest we piss off the Bravo gods with our complaining, and they give us three more seasons of Dayna pretending to be interested in Brett or Max. The reality is, this show is too far gone to ever return to its days when the producers would literally sit back and watch these degenerates tear each other to shreds. The show’s too big now, and (some of) the cast are at least a little conscious of their public perception.

So with that honors thesis out of the way, let’s get into this week’s episode. 

The episode kicks off with Dayna and Brett at a fake bartending school, where they are being taught how to mix drinks by a 12-year-old. (Or at least, he looks like one.) Which is oddly fitting considering Dayna says that being a bartender is “in her blood” since her mom was a bartender who taught her to make dirty martinis when she was eight years old. I mean, something is in her blood—I’m just not sure it’s bartending.

Apparently Schwartz really did lose the marriage certificate again, but not to worry—the Vegas chapels probably know that everyone getting married on their premises and can no longer hold onto their dignity, let alone a piece of paper, so they sent it in on their behalf. Honestly, though, I stand by my sentiment that I would take two failed marriage certificates as a sign from the Universe not to go through with it.

Stassi’s still taking jabs at Beau because he hasn’t proposed yet. Stassi is also mad at Kristen because, basically, Kristen still wants to be Beau’s number one, not considering that that would be wildly inappropriate considering 1) Beau is now dating her good friend, and 2) Kristen has f*cked Stassi’s ex before. Can you wonder why Beau would be extra cautious around Kristen? It’s so Stassi doesn’t, to quote Lala, “pop him”.

Kristen says that she, Stassi, and Kristen built their wine company “from the ground up.” Ah yes, the American Dream! Building a wine company from nothing but the backs of your Instagram followings that were in turn built off the backs of you being cast on a wildly successful reality TV show! Pretty sure that’s what my grandparents left Italy for.

Actually, remember what I said about how this season is a bit of fresh air from the past season’s regurgitated drama? I take it all back because Scheana’s talking to Lisa about her egg retrieval, once again insisting how she’s “not looking for a relationship” and “just having fun being single” and whatever party line she’s been toting out since the last season ended and she got mocked by the whole internet for how she behaved with Adam. Why don’t I buy what Scheana’s trying to sell me? Is it because I’m judging her on past behavior too much and assuming people are incapable of change? Or is it because the lady truly doth protest too much? 

Whatever the reason, Lisa isn’t buying it either, and I can at least be comforted knowing I’m not alone. And the fact that it took Lisa straight-up saying to Scheana’s face that she thinks she’s full of sh*t to get her to admit that her revolving door of men have actually f*cked her up, kind of proves that I was right all along. Vindication!

Between Scheana being upset that her booty calls have not called to check in on her after her egg retrieval surgery and the fact that she busted her knee open after razor scootering, I’ve gotta say, it feels like Old Scheana is back. Is her tooth still gray? Give it one more episode and we’ll get the chunky glasses back. Damn, I forgot how entertaining that Scheana was. I’m actually surprised she’s not walking around on crutches right now.

Scheana tells Dayna that she saw a psychic, and she hired that psychic to have Dayna’s mom come through for her birthday. Oh wow that is so wildly inappropriate that I can’t help but crack up to myself.

Dayna: You’ve never lost a parent
Scheana: I know, but my mom has.

Scheana… my god… you are so stupid. Her need to constantly relate everything back to herself is almost pathological.

This really brings me back to the days when Scheana would needle Shay, a known opioid addict, into drinking because she didn’t want to be married to someone who couldn’t have a few drinks with her.

And even better? Scheana was going to spring this psychic on Dayna THAT VERY SECOND. And she tries to play it off to Dayna like “omg no she’s totally not waiting outside your apartment, I wasn’t going to just have her knock on your door, omg lol can you imagine? Hahaha” but then she proceeds to shut the psychic down… OUTSIDE OF DAYNA’S APARTMENT. Lol, I don’t know if Scheana is truly the most insensitive person alive, or if the producers put her up to this and did her extremely dirty. Listening to her try to play the semantics game that she didn’t have the psychic outside waiting (she was only technically on her way to Dayna’s apartment at the time Dayna asked if she was going to knock on her door) is leading me to believe the former.

In a grim turn of events, Beau reveals to Lisa that he isn’t planning on having Kristen be present at Stassi’s engagement. If he really doesn’t invite her, he might as well enter the Witness Protection Program.

All the new people are at some club, and Dayna’s resorted to her flirting strategy of just showering Brett with compliments and blowing up his ego. If that’s what you need to get a man, I will forever be single, and I’m cool with that tbh.

Oh my god if I could buy an Emmy I would personally empty my bank account to give it to the producer who precipitated this exchange:

Brett: Where I’m from if you and your friend have sex with the same girl, it’s ok.
Producer: And where are you from?
Bretty: Jersey

That’s it, guys. We did it. End the episode here. It’s not going to get any better than this.

shut it down

Even the new girls have already clued into the fact that Scheana never keeps the same story because she’s worried about looking bad. Damn, it only took them like, a few weeks? They really are smarter than the rest of the cast.

James and Lala are back in the studio, much to the dismay of… anyone with ears. They actually have a pretty productive conversation about sobriety. Also, does having a stress dream about having gotten f*cked up mean I have a drinking problem? Whatever, I’ve only had one today. One… shelf.

Finally we get some back alley action at SUR (not like that, get your mind out of the gutter) when Brett goes out to talk to Scheana. She’s salty that she’s been blowing up his phone and he didn’t text her back. Scheana! He does not have to answer every single one of your texts! He’s not your boyfriend.

Scheana definitely has a point that she shouldn’t bother with friendships in which she puts in all the effort. However, there’s no point in announcing to someone that you’re dropping them as a friend because they don’t put in effort. You just stop putting in the effort and let the friendship fade.

But then Brett tag teams Dayna in, and she’s not over the psychic. I wouldn’t be either, and I wouldn’t even try to be friends with someone that out of touch with reality. I know, I wouldn’t last a second on this show.

It says a lot that Kristen is physically helping set up the wine party and Stassi and Katie just waltz in and start drinking. But honestly… a mood.

This Us Weekly reporter is gonna be so pissed when she watches this season and realizes that Stassi, Katie, and Kristen lied to every single question she asked them in this interview. Lol.

Danica pitches a SUR vs. TomTom softball game, which will be a fun fake plotline later on in the season.

Also, Max comes up to Dayna to basically tell her that he’s pissed about the Brett thing, but they’re both “moving on” and “ready to be friends.” K, sure Jan.

This whole thing of Ariana and Lala talking about why they’re still friends with James does not interest me, so I’m just going to watch IG Stories.

Whoops, I watched Insta stories for too long and almost missed Stassi talking to Beau about how they’re going mausoleum shopping tomorrow (???) when he’s actually going to be popping the question next episode. But was it worth the constant complaining, Beau? WAS IT?? Because I don’t think it was. Stassi, once again, is talking about how she’s over Kristen as a friend. Beau asks her like, one follow-up question and she immediately starts crying.

Me:escalated quickly

Anyway, this is awkward because wine-drunk Kristen goes up to Beau to ask if they’re still friends. Beau actively tries to avoid saying he can’t be friends with her anymore because Stassi doesn’t like her, but Kristen pokes at it until he’s basically forced to admit the truth.

Stassi comes up and tries to pull rank that Beau is her boyfriend, and Kristen just says “this is inappropriate for a wine party” and walks away. Lol. This leads me to wonder what would be appropriate for a wine party? It’s a wine party. I feel like anything goes.

Stassi goes completely ballistic, and ah yes, this is Old Stassi. Damn, first Old Scheana, now Old Stassi? What an episode. Yeah, she’s back on her hive mind bullsh*t where nobody she associates with is allowed to be cool with anyone she doesn’t like. In fact, if you don’t wish ill upon whoever Stassi doesn’t like at the moment, you’re dead to her. Remember Lala circa… up until this past season when she gave them rides on the private jet? Beau, if you would so much as piss on Kristen if she were on fire, Stassi will torpedo your entire relationship.

Stassi gives Beau an ultimatum that he should either go home with her or Kristen. Bud, you might want to rethink that proposal tomorrow. Maybe you shouldn’t have lied to Stassi all summer, and then she wouldn’t have freaked out in a tornado of insecurity. Ya hate to see it!

Images: Bravo; Giphy

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Save The Toilet Paper

Hey all you cool cats and kittens, it’s Sara here, with this week’s Vanderpump Rules recap. Before we get started I must confess that I felt regret about possibly not going hard enough at Lala last episode. Many people on the internet pointed out that it was f*cked up of her to have outed James on television, and truthfully, that fact escaped me. I thought this was old news, and Lala was simply being messy. However, outing someone is a whole different ballgame, and one that is never okay.

Who also acted messy last week? Just about everyone. From Katie and Stassi openly kicking Kristen when she was down to Jax acting like a little bitch about having to put on a damn costume. And with that, the episode opens this week at Lisa’s stables. Oh, I forgot that Ariana is a horse girl but seeing this brought back up is giving me some semblance of joy. At least, I think, it’s been so long since I’ve felt that emotion. However, all the interactions that ensue with said horse have immediately killed whatever approximation to happiness I just felt. First off, there’s the fact that the horse responds to French. Is that really necessary? No. It is just a flex for Lisa to show off the fact that she speaks (okay) French. And also, there’s the thing with the horse penises (I swear, I had to check with my Assistant Editor to make sure this really did happen and I didn’t dream it last night). Did Lisa… try to jack off her horse? Hearing her and Ariana talk about their horses’ dicks just sent me. Goodbye to you all, I shall continue writing this recap from beyond the grave.

And on that note, we are back in Weho, or wherever Stassi lives, where Katie comes bearing In-N-Out for Stassi’s massive hangover.

Actual footage of Katie:
mcdonald's

They go over the guest list of Katie’s Wine Night party, and it is the entire female work force of SUR, Pump, and TomTom, plus the female population of Weho, minus Kristen. Yes, I see this ending swimmingly for all parties involved.

Raquel confronts James about the rumor that he was drinking at the friend’s birthday party. James swears on his life that he didn’t, which is not really necessary if there is, in fact, video of this party. I sure hope this alleged drinking incident doesn’t become a whole Taylor/Kanye thing. Should we just release the tape?

At SUR, Scheana is in the middle of bragging about her whip from the other night to Raquel (nobody cares) and Raquel is thankfully given relief by Katie calling her to invite her to wine night. Would I rather listen to Scheana flex about her fake sexploits or drink wine with Katie? That’s a real Sophie’s Choice. I guess I’d choose the wine.

Brett has been “doing YouTube content” for four years, which is giving me major flashbacks to how “seriously” Ariana takes sketch comedy. He tries to give his fake elevator pitch for how #premium the content on his Youtube channel is, while the producers play us actual footage from his channel. It is clear the viewers come for one thing, and one thing only: his abs.

Scheana and Brett are having a hilarious moment where they think they totally understand each other and they could not be on more different pages. In the one corner, you have Brett all but telling Scheana he’d never so much as f*ck her blindfolded. In the other corner, you have Scheana saying in not so many words that she’s down to make him husband number two if he so much as bats his eyelashes in a suggestive way. In the third corner, you have me, dying of secondhand embarrassment.

The Toms, and Max for some reason, are discussing ways to prank Jax. Why is this a storyline, even for pretend? The guys agree to TP Jax’s house. Wasting toilet paper?? In this economy?! Should be a felony. Y’all remember the days when you could just like, waste toilet paper? Watching this is physically hurting me.

Predictably, Jax sees what they’ve done to his tree and does not find it funny, probably because he has no sense of humor unless he’s laughing at someone else’s expense. But also because the only person who would actually find this funny would be Greg Pikitis, and Jax is 40, not a student at Pawnee Middle School.

Brett comes over to film his TikTok or whatever, and Scheana manages to shoehorn in the fact that she had sex last night even though nobody, least of all Brett, asked.

Nobody:
No one:
Not a single soul:
Certainly not Brett:
Scheana: Yea so I didn’t sleep at home last night because I had sex four times.

Oh, Scheana. So sweet. So well-meaning. But so cringey all the same.

The thing about this f*ckgirl comment is that it made 100% sense. Scheana says she’s been dating f*ckboys, Brett points out that you attract the energy you put out, so does that make Scheana a f*ckgirl? He didn’t even really call her that, he asked if she would consider herself that. Big difference, if you ask me. Scheana completely goes ballistic that Brett would “call” her that (probably because, by extension, it means he wouldn’t take her home to mom), and has to assert for the billionth time that she’s just having fun and not looking for a relationship. Say it with me now:

Over at wine night, Katie is back on her mean girl bullsh*t—actually, that phrase implies that she’s ever gotten off of it—and says Kristen got herself not invited to this party. Like, no, you clearly extended this invitation to the entire female population of the U.S. minus Kristen. This is all you. These girls are brutal, sheesh.

Kristen learns about the wine night through Scheana who spilled the beans about this. Now, if this was seasons 2-5 Kristen, she would just crash the f*ck out of this lame gathering. But given that this is Sad Girl Kristen, and not Crazy Kristen, she’s probably just going to cry about it into her dogs. She really is a shell of what she once was.

Me: 

rooting for you

Damn I actually feel bad for Kristen that she wasn’t invited to drink wine with her own wine partner. Dark.

Okay, so Dayna arrives at wine night guns a-blazin’, saying that she grew up drinking 40s and vodka out of plastic gallons, as if that makes her unique or alternative and not just…. A person who was once a teenager. You’ve got to be f*cking kidding. I want to like this girl, but she is making it difficult.

It took Tom confessing for Jax to solve the mystery of who TP’d his tree. Damn, these people are not smart. Hopefully Jax never got all the toilet paper out of the tree because it would be really useful right about now.

Okay, so apparently Raquel was flaunting the fact that she told Scheana to shut the f*ck up, and Lala is taking it upon herself to, like, be Scheana’s mercenary. Or, she said it to Lala and Scheana is involved for unknown reasons? I don’t know. Guess that Real Housewife invitation never came in the mail, so this is what it’s coming to. 

In true gross Lala fashion, she says “people like Raquel need to learn to stay in their lane so people like me can run sh*t.” This seriously gives a dark glimpse into Lala’s own opinion of herself. It is… shall I say… overblown.

Lala basically tries to publicly shame Raquel for talking sh*t about Logan, and like, the whole group doesn’t need to be involved in this. This is weird. She’s like, the teacher trying to humiliate a student in front of the whole class, but in this case, the student didn’t really do anything. And the teacher is also an asshole. Okay, you’re right, this is a terrible analogy. Whatever. Lala tries to circle Raquel like she’s one of the hyenas in the The Lion King and Raquel is a dead carcass (idk, just the imagery I’m getting with these outfits), but it doesn’t quite work because Raquel isn’t letting herself get bullied. *Chris Traeger voice* I am equal parts shocked, and!, impressed.

Lol at Lala being like “don’t say I didn’t genuinely care about James. I set up sessions in the studio because he thrives in the studio.” Oh you mean, studio sessions to work on your song? Imagine that. “Don’t ever say I didn’t care, I set up something for him that also benefited me! See! I’m such a caring friend!” Get this girl outta here.

Queen Charli points out that maybe Lala still likes James, which is why she’s constantly picking at Raquel. She is a very underrated presence on this season, and I hope the producers soon recognize that.

Lol the fact that Raquel calls Lala a rottweiler and Lala is like “no bitch I’m a pitbull. Get it f*cking right.” This is the dumbest fake hard sh*t ever because like, if you were to ask me I would say pitbulls are adorable and rottweilers are a lot more scary. But sure, Lala. Whatever you want.

I truly loved the clip of Lala saying “don’t project on me what you reflect” and Ariana mouthing “what??” to herself. I’m glad I’m not the only person who feels like they are in the Twilight Zone. I wish Lala would stop watching old Tupac movies and get back down to Earth; she was way more likable back then. And by Earth, I mean Utah. Never forget where you came from! 

It’s Jax’s birthday, and basically nobody is dressed up except for Scheana and Jax. I feel that this is good, petty revenge for his temper tantrum at Tom’s birthday.

And the fact that Schwartz gave Jax a foot fleshlight is sending me ONCE AGAIN. Somebody please direct me to the nearest cliff, because I need to fling myself off of it.

Poor Kristen is like “Katie and Stassi are my family, I don’t understand how you can just cut family out. The point of it is that you’re supposed to stick together,” neglecting the fact that people cut their families off all the time. And, see, Kristen, that’s the whole problem when you take a metaphor literally. You get your expectations shattered, and what you’re saying ceases to make any sense. 

And I am now writing this recap from the bottom of the cliff off of which I have flung myself, because Randall is at this birthday party, remarking how he and Jax are in the same age group. I am unwell. 

Okay, I Googled it, and Randall is, in fact, 49 years old. Come on, sir. Calling you and Jax the same age is stretttttching things.

Everybody goes back to Jax’s to have an after party (I think? All their houses look the same). Also, after-partying is not a good idea because Jax is already slurring and making no sense. The two police officers from the movie Superbad come to the party and handcuff Sandoval to arrest him for vandalism, and I can tell right away that this is obviously a prank since literally nobody is reacting. And also because I’m not an idiot.

After it’s all over, Katie flips out, and like, if every single person on this show were not white I would say her whole “turn on the news” objection to having cops arrest someone as a “prank” would be spot-f*cking-on. Still, I will commend this brief flicker of wokeness, even if it is a little misdirected, simply because it’s the closest thing to social/political awareness we will ever get on this show.

Schwartz, instead of comforting his wife, pretends to gag, says he’s never been more turned off in his life, and yells that that’s why he doesn’t have sex with her. Holy sh*t, literally every single guy is like “dude, stop you’re being disgusting, SHUT UP!” If these personifications of misogyny are telling him he’s being gross, you know it’s bad. Katie might be a mean girl and a miserable person, but she doesn’t deserve to get degraded that way and called a moron in front of all their friends and a national viewing audience. The episode ends there. F*cking SHEESH what is with these episodes lately that are ending all dark and depressing? 

Images: Bravo; Giphy

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: It’s Not About The Carter

Friends, we have made it to the other side of the apocalypse—for one week so far. So far, I’m doing ok. I have enough toilet paper. I’ve just binged Tiger King on Netflix. Life is… well, certainly not good, but it’s… livable, I suppose. Will I progressively get more and more bleak as time goes on? Probably! Let’s begin with the bleakest thing of all: this godforsaken show.

At least we can rejoice over one thing: Jax and Brittany’s wedding is over, and hopefully with it, everyone’s ass-kissing parade. I cannot take any more of it.

The episode begins with Jax carrying Brittany over the threshold of their house, after Brittany’s insistence that he do it. This feels like an accurate metaphor for their marriage.

Schwartz is having a memorial party for his 3-week-old lizard, and this is the focus of the episode. Damn, just when I thought things couldn’t be any more bleak. But who am I kidding, a memorial for a lizard? After quarantine, I’ll be throwing memorials for like, the ant I stepped on on the street by accident, just for an excuse to see people.

Max tells Schwartz he’s going to blacklist Danica from TomTom for… talking sh*t. This dude is so petty that he is going to ban some girl from a restaurant he doesn’t even own just because of she’s said a few less-than-desirable things about him? Ok.

Jax and Brittany are reminiscing about their wedding, and Jax literally thinks a Powerpoint is this:

powerpoint

How long do you think Jax will hold the cost of the wedding (that he probably did not pay for in full) over Brittany’s head? I wager the entire duration of their marriage.

The one upside of this dumb-ass lizard funeral is that it’s clearly a good excuse to get the whole cast drunk so they can act stupid and dramatic. Schwartz claims that Daug was depressed because he was lethargic and slept a lot. Am I the only one who worries that the lizard was sick and it never occurred to Schwartz to take him to the vet? You’re right, I’m taking this way too seriously.

Jax and Brittany go to visit Lisa, and two things make me seriously scared: one, Brittany uses the word “spray and pray” to describe her (lack of) birth control method, and two, there is a very awkward and prolonged mishap where Lisa is convinced Brittany is pregnant. *Crosses self* not yet.

Back at the funeral party, Danica pulls Max aside and they both play this game of “who’s talking sh*t”.

Max and Danica accusing each other of talking sh*t:Spider Man Pointing Meme

Max admits he’s a petty bitch and was never going to tell Danica she was banned from TomTom, but rather, was intending to wait for her to try to come in so he could have the pleasure of kicking her out. Forget about Scheana, is he 17 or 27?

While Schwartz initially gives Max a blank check to kick out Danica, upon like, 10 seconds of probing, Sandoval discovers that Max’s reasons for banning Danica are 90% personal. Sandoval tells him that’s not okay, and they all vow to not let this happen “again”, as if they’ve already murdered Danica and it’s too late to bring her back to life, and not just fake banned her from a restaurant that they could easily just undo with one conversation or like, a single text.

Over on the other side of the pool, Scheana “notices” that Kristen is not there. Stassi says that her issues with Kristen are not about Carter, even though they started with Carter. 

So.. you’re saying… it’s not about the Carter? Bet. Recap title: acquired.

Kristen feels that Katie is unhappy in her life and projecting her unhappiness onto Kristen. I would use the Spider-Man meme again to describe Katie and Kristen, both two insufferably miserable people, calling the other miserable. But instead I’ll just give you the mental image.

Kristen’s also mad that she’s doing everything for their wine company herself. This is an excellent argument because I see both sides, and they’re both equally wrong. On the one hand, what is Katie doing now that she’s not even pretending to push her wine MLM or her fake beauty blog? Nothing. On the other hand, Katie’s a billion percent right that Kristen just rips sh*t she sees on the internet and screen prints it on a shirt and acts like she has a business idea so novel, every shark on Shark Tank would go in on it. Ahh, we’re finally back to the good old days when I hated everyone. Thank goodness for small miracles.

Now Dayna is all but groveling to get back with Max. He doesn’t take the bait, probably because he knows it’s only a matter of time before he gets exposed with undeniable proof for the last shady thing he did last week.

Sandoval’s throwing a “your most extra self” themed party, which is Sandoval’s existence in a nutshell. I can’t wait to see what he comes up with. 

Lala and Raquel meet at some cafe to have “girl talk”, and I’m honestly scared for how this is going to go with Lala and her head scarf and hoops. She got the big hoops on, which means the big hoop attitude may come out. *Takes deep, calming breaths*

This exchange is so funny to me, and also so real.

Raquel: Before we go any further I just want to make sure you don’t actually think I’m dumb.
Lala: My time means so much to me and I wouldn’t waste it on someone who I think is a true idiot.
Raquel: That means so much to me Lala.

“Not a true idiot” will be my new go-to compliment.

James shows up to Lisa’s place to talk.

Actual footage of Lisa this whole time:

Unimpressed

James tells Lisa that he went to his first AA meeting the day before. I’m actually kind of impressed that they didn’t get this on camera. Maybe he really is serious? We can only hope.

James is crying, over at the cafe, Lala is crying, I’m f*cking crying, but you know what? I’m not even mad because at least I’m not crying over the current state of the world.

Brittany and Jax got a marriage license, so at least they have one up on Katie and Schwartz. Jax is bemoaning why he has to be “extra” for Sandoval’s birthday, as if his wedding last weekend wasn’t the most extra affair in all of history. Buck up and put on some eyeliner, for f*ck’s sake.

I don’t love that Scheana immediately ran to Kristen to tell her that Katie sh*t talked her T-shirt line. But I also kind of do love that Scheana is not even trying to ally herself with Katie and Stassi anymore. She’s only tried that for like, what, the past eight years? 

The costumes for Sandoval’s party are f*cking great, with Katie dressing up as her talking heads look (a yikes), Charli dressing up as herself (annoying, and a yikes), Jax dressing up as an old curmudgeon (so, himself). Gotta say, for an extra themed party, I really thought Sandoval’s outfits would involve a lot more glitter.

Apparently Lala heard that James went to a friend’s birthday party (remember, the one from last week he claimed he wasn’t drinking at because he was driving, as if DUIs are not a thing?), and everyone was f*cked up there. 

Well, here’s a portion of Memory Lane I never thought we’d go back down: Logan lying that he made up having hooked up with James. Apparently, Raquel is the only person who does not think this for sure happened. She tells Lala to shut the f*ck up (bad move), but sober Lala actually… takes it in stride instead of completely flying off the handle and verbally “popping” Raquel. Damn, she really has changed. I am actually proud! 

Kristen comes up to Katie and Stassi at the party to ask if they are still doing the wine business together even if they’re no longer friends (sad, you can tell she was really hoping for reassurance that they are still, in fact, friends), and Stassi says that she’s going to work out the remainder of the wine contract, and then she’s out. Way harsh, Tai. Now Kristen is basically beside herself but Stassi and Katie are fresh out of f*cks to give and are not even bothering to pretend to console her.

Damn, Kristen sucks, but does she deserve this? To be told by her former best friends that not only are they not sisters, they don’t even know her any more? How quickly ye forget, the bringer of season 2 drama, the procurer of Miami Girl, the f*cker of Jax! I really hope Kristen gets over her “woe is me” phase and goes full psycho Kristen on these two. That would for sure cement her future on the show.

Images: Bravo; Giphy

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: What A Shame The Poor Bride’s Groom Is A Sociopath

I never thought I’d say this—truly, never thought I’d say this—but thank god for Vanderpump Rules. We are living in an actual waking nightmare (as in, when I woke up this morning I thought to myself: I want to sleep more because it’s the only place that isn’t terrifying, unlike reality), and maybe the only thing that will get me through is criticizing Jax and Brittany as if it matters. As if any of it matters anymore. As if it makes a difference whether or not Max is a f*ckboy (he is), whether or not Scheana is desperate (sorry, but it’s true), whether or not Giggy has been secretly dead and taxidermied this whole time (he has, we all know it).

This week, it seems like we may, at the very least, get one form of relief we’ve been begging for: Jax and Brittany’s wedding episode. This has been half a season’s worth of buildup that nobody cares about, so what’s the worst that can happen? Oh right, I throw my computer out the window.

First things first: Brittany’s wedding planner is literally a walking pair of wax lips. Nothing further.

Jax wakes up the morning of his wedding, extremely hungover, which is literally the last way I would want to spend my wedding. Jax is like, “it’s like my body knows how much I spent on this wedding and is working overtime” which is a weird way of saying “this Adderall I railed is working overtime.” But hey, we all have our things!

Schwartz, who has correctly used the word “cacophany” before, does not think “dawdle” is a word. The man never ceases to amaze me.

It’s like, six in the morning, and Kristen is already on the verge of tears because Carter full-on showed up at the hotel he was not staying at. Kristen literally acts like she and Carter are these star-crossed lovers with a timeless love story for the ages because she’s so sad they didn’t work out. Like, ok Juliet. You are an emotionally unstable baby deer and he is a walking beard with Chiclet teeth. Shakespeare would not even waste a sonnet on y’all. It. Is. Not. That. Serious.

Randall, who is supposed to be the groomsman Jax always wanted, is still in bed with Beau pillow-talking like two 12-year-olds at a sleepover. I’m now seeing why he’s dating a 28-year-old. As my dad always says: age is temporary, immaturity lasts forever.

It’s so hot outside that Sandoval is handing out umbrellas to unsuspecting, frying guests. Who could have predicted that for a wedding in the middle of Kentucky in the summer? Oh right, all of us.

Jax walks down the aisle with his godmother, holding his dad’s urn. Brittany is wearing a corset mermaid dress that I did not expect. Yeah, yeah, I saw the People magazine photos months ago, but it doesn’t make sense that for someone who talks so much sh*t about loving princesses, she didn’t go for a princess style gown! Yeah, she looks amazing, but I’m specifically taking issue with the conflict in personal branding. Look, pettiness is all I have at this point.

As Brittany walks around the aisle, Scheana whispers to Ariana, “flowers down, tits out.” Spoken like every girl at the festival formerly known as Coachella.

Hearing Lance Bass call Jax “Jason” is really tripping me out. 

I’m not surprised at all Jax and Brittany’s vows centered around Friends, since it’s not like they have a personality.

Surprisng no one, least of all me, Schwartz “almost loses” the rings. For my own sanity, I’m going to go ahead and believe that the producers put him up to that and it wasn’t real. I really just have to, otherwise I will sink into a depression.

Now, do we think that Brittany is going to change her last name to Taylor? Or Cauchi? Or just leave it as Cartwright? Lance Bass announces them as Brittany and Jax Taylor, which doesn’t feel wrong but it also doesn’t feel quite right. Well, at least her IG handle is @brittany so she doesn’t have to change that. In any case, as Brittany yells, she and Jax are MAAARRIIEEDDD. TG that’s over with.

What a beautiful wedding, what a beautiful wedding said a bridesmaid to a waiter. Yes, but what a shame. What a shame the poor bride’s groom is a cheating sociopath.

Back in LA, Charli says her dream is to get wasted and get married at a Vegas drive-thru one night. And it’s like, girl, if that’s your dream, we can make that happen very easily. I would say dream big, but what do I expect from a girl who doesn’t eat avocados?

At this time, we learn that Danica got a DUI and her biggest takeaway from the ordeal is that having to blow in a breathalyzer is “embarrassing.” I guess I’d be frustrated if I had to use a breathalyzer every 15 minutes in LA traffic, because that would mean I’d have to blow into it every 2 feet. But still, like, you could have killed someone. That’s a little stronger than “embarrassing.” 

Meanwhile, Dayna thinks she f*cked up by dumping Max. Apparently she thought Max went to a fancy restaurant with his ex, when they were really at a sh*tty grab-and-go type place. Did he also meet her for smoothies? What is with these LA dudes and smoothie dates? This is why I can’t move to LA, for all those who are asking (my dad). 

Danica points out (with illustrative cartoons that were totally unnecessary, do less, Bravo editors) that it doesn’t really matter that Max and his ex were at a fast-casual restaurant, they were still together and that’s the point. Dayna intends to get back with Max, causing me to let out an audible groan in my apartment. My roommate, who is next to me on the couch, did not flinch. I don’t know what that says about me, but thought I would share.

Back at the wedding, Carter is salty af that he’s not sitting with Kristen. Then he says, “if I wind up in Kristen’s bed, it happens,” and I reach through the TV and slap him in his baby-sized mouth.

Schwartz gives the longest speech in the history of man. Children have grown up and gone to college. Empires have risen and fallen. All while Schwartz was giving this incoherent speech nobody asked for.

Kristen, looking disheveled, stumbles over to Carter to talk about their relationship. I think my problem with Carter is not that he has baby teeth, but that only his bottom teeth are visible at any given moment. He’s kind of like a bulldog in that respect, but not as cute.

I’m getting major Gigi and Damian vibes from these two wasted “us against the world”-ass bitches. I definitely get the FOMO of seeing all your friends getting their happy endings while you’re still bitterly subtweeting the guys who ghost you (ok, so maybe that’s just a me thing), but has Kristen never heard of the sunk cost fallacy? The solution is to date a non-jackass, not to give the same jackass even more of your time and energy. Geez.

Kristen is ready to kill a bitch for the bouquet, while Brittany is purposely aiming for Stassi. Feel like that sums up Kristen’s role on this show pretty accurately. Thankfully, Brittany’s 18-year-old cousin caught the bouquet. 

Back in LA, James is going to a friend’s party in the Hills, claiming he’s not going to drink since he’s driving. As if that’s ever stopped anyone. (@Danica)

Charli is surprised that Dayna isn’t at the wedding. Does she even know Jax and Brittany? Charli is such a weirdo, but like, a lovable weirdo. I’m excited to see what happens with her.

Hell yea Scheana! She’s making out with some random bald dude at the end of the night. Good for you, sis. Good for you.

After the wedding, it becomes a cash bar, and Jax goes into… I’d say… a half coke rage. Not a full rage. Ok, no, I lied—it’s a full rage. This is reminiscent of the time he went into SUR and flipped everyone off. The reason? Jax had cases of vodka at the other bar that nobody brought in, and now they’re charging people. Sandoval goes into full bartender mode and does the heroic deed of…. Carrying a couple of boxes of vodka over. Not all heroes wear capes.

Oh wow. In their drunken stupor, Brittany says to Jax “we’re married!” and Jax immediately says “big old titties. I love them. Uh, I mean I love them. …I love you!” There ya go, buddy. You love the woman attached to the tits. You do, don’t you?

Me, thinking about this:

The next morning, I guess the coke is still coursing through Jax’s veins, because he’s still raging about potentially being charged late checkout fees. Brittany, with the correct response, can only manage a hungover shrug.

In LA, Dayna pulls Max aside to explain the whole JonesGate thing, which to be honest, I don’t feel has the same weight she’s ascribing it. I’m with Danica on this one—he was still being shady even if he didn’t take his ex out to a fancy dinner. Ouchhhh and Dayna gets rejected by Max, in not so many words. Ya hate to see it. But just like there’s no crying in baseball, there’s no crying over f*ckboys. I won’t allow it.

Kristen ends up in bed with Carter… and Scheana? I would think it’s a joke, but Kristen makes a comment about backsliding, and I don’t know what to believe. They didn’t have a threesome, but did Kristen and Carter smash in the same bed while Scheana was sleeping? Tbh, given her history, I wouldn’t put it past her.

See you all next week, provided we’re still alive!

Images: Bravo; Giphy

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: We All Got Jaxed

This is basically a Sandoval and Ariana fan account at this point (until they do something I don’t like, at which point I will wonder how I could ever stand them). I really hope that Jax and Brittany’s wedding is like, the next episode, because I just cannot pretend to be on Jax and Brittany’s side for the entire season. Let’s get this sh*t over with so everyone can give up the lease they’ve all apparently signed, granting them residence inside Jax and Brittany’s assholes.

Too much?

We begin at Stassi’s birthday, which Stassi apparently didn’t want to celebrate because she had too many weddings to go to this year. Who are you, and what have you done with Stassi? If she doesn’t yell “it’s my f*cking birthday”, is it even her birthday? Honestly, not sure. We’ll have to report back to see if Stassi will, in fact, age. 

Strangely, Jax and Brittany are still going to Ariana’s birthday party, where Sandoval will be. I can’t wait for Jax to cause a scene about Tom causing a scene at his birthday, and then it’s going to just become a wormhole of starting sh*t at birthdays, and then maybe we’ll get catapulted into another dimension where this show never happened because Scheana never slept with Eddie Cibrian!

I could only hope.

Diana comes over to Lisa’s to give her some pictures of her mom and reminisce on the good times. I obviously have no jokes to make here, so I won’t be recapping it, because you all know I’m here to tell the jokes, the whole jokes, and nothing but the jokes, so help me God!

Back at SUR, Raquel is folding napkins with Dayna and Danica to recap her weekend. Raquel apparently got super wasted and blacked out (love it) and Scheana made sure she got home (still love it). James apparently rage-texted her calling her a whore and a slut (hate it). Jesus Christ, he and Katie are more alike than he thinks. In all seriousness, that’s truly gross, and I hope Raquel will be the one strong woman on this show who doesn’t saddle herself to a sentient piece of abusive trash for the rest of her life just because doing so might earn her a few Gs on Instagram.

Sandoval apparently did apologize to Jax, but it was too little, too late (JoJo voice) because as of now, he’s still uninvited from the wedding. Ariana is still undecided, and I’ve got to say that if Ariana skips this wedding, she might as well never talk to any of these girls again  because they’re all going to try to bully her off the show, just like they did with Billie Lee, Raquel, Scheana to an extent, every girl who doesn’t feed into their hive mind…

Okay, it’s party time. Charli remarks on camera that she is keeping the tags on her shirt so she can return it. God, these people are so stupid. They are going to see this!

She and Brett are both scrambling to get ahead of the “our date sucked” narrative, trying frantically to blame the other person for being the reason the date went horribly.

Okay, so Lala, the picture of mental health awareness and sensitivity, decides to tell EVERYONE what Ariana told her about her depression (and wanting to drive off a cliff). Yeah, sure, that’s exactly what she would have wanted, for you to tell Kristen and Katie and people she doesn’t like how much she’s been struggling, when she was reluctant to even tell her own friends. Like, I know Ariana said all this stuff on camera so it would have gotten out anyway, but the least you could do was let the girl control her own narrative.

But it seems to have worked in the sense that now the girls have gone into battle mode and are now fighting for Sandoval to get re-invited to the wedding. I do love that Jax slept with Tom’s girlfriend, and yet this fight about a pastor may be the thing that breaks them. And that Jax thinks the expression for someone who gets walked all over is “a rug.” It’s a doormat, but at least he was close in that it is an object that covers the floor.

Sandoval apologizes again, and Jax tells him it’s “water under the bridge” and he “squashed things” (when? how?), and reinvites Sandoval to the wedding and re-promotes him to best man. And it’s at this point that I’ve got to say that it was brought to my attention by my esteemed colleague, Betchina George, that People magazine published pictures of Jax’s wedding party MONTHS AGO and lo and behold, Sandoval was there the entire time.

So yeah, we are all f*cking idiots for entertaining this storyline for even one second. I can’t even hate the Bravo producers, because I just hate myself. We all got Jaxed!

Meanwhile, Kristen is slurring, asking Katie if she wants to share a shot. Take a whole shot, grow tf up. She’s trying to drunkenly cry to Katie, who has not forgotten that they are not speaking at the moment, even though Kristen’s selective blackout memory has erased that inconvenient fact. Looks like you’ll have to get your sympathy somewhere else, Kristen! May I suggest the women’s bathroom?

Kristen says that “of course” Carter is coming to the wedding, as if Jax and Brittany give one single sh*t if he’s there or not. And I can’t take credit for that sentiment, because Katie is the one who points it out, to Kristen’s face. That truth breaks her. Kristen starts crying and saying “that’s super hurtful.” Why, though? He’s not Jax and Brittany’s friend. They tolerate him and are cool with him if/when he’s your boyfriend, but they aren’t tight.

James is still making a big production out of the fact that he’s “not” drinking, and Raquel confronts him about the texts he sent. James’s rationale is “well if you’d just answered your phone, I wouldn’t have had to do that.” Got it. So Raquel can’t go to the bathroom, can’t sleep, can’t let her phone battery die… this is sounding less like a relationship and more like a hostage situation.

I’m disappointed in James’s behavior but then again, who am I kidding. I can’t be surprised. This is the guy who spit on Kristen’s door and called her ratchet. I forgot because it’s been a few seasons, but James is not a good person to be in a relationship with.

The next day, Brittany and Jax are calling Lance Bass (whom they make a big show out of being on a first-name basis with). Nothing of importance comes from the call; it is mainly a flex that Jax and Brittany used to work for someone who is friends with Lance Bass.

At SUR, Ariana pulls Raquel aside (leaving Jeremy to serve rosé to the customers) to ask about James’s texts. Ariana asks to see the texts, which are basically just pages and pages of insults. Okay, what the f*ck is in the water in LA that every guy is verbally abusing women? *Checks notes on LA* oh right, narcissism. Reason #349287 I’m never moving to LA. So stop asking!!

Scheana missed Ariana’s party, and claims that Charli showed up “dressed as” her, so it was basically like she was there. Did Charli wear an American Girl Doll headband? A crop top wedding dress? No, she just wore a dress that happened to be in a neon hue. Scheana, this is real flimsy, even for you. You can’t claim the entire color scheme of neon as your thing.

At that moment, Charli goes up to confront Scheana about her supposedly telling Brett she was untrustworthy. Scheana fires back her denial so quick, it’s like she had previous knowledge that this confrontation was going to happen at this exact moment.. Scheana’s backup to this claim is that she “doesn’t even use” the word untrustworthy. Scheana, just because you know what it means is not a valid denial!

Charli played this off like an absolute champ and basically shaded the f*ck out of Brett and Scheana while also complimenting Scheana and asserting that she still wants to remain friends. (This is Girl Code in action.) Also shouts out to the Bravo editor who flashed back to Scheana admitting she has a crush on Brett milliseconds after she insisted she and Brett are (you guessed it) “just friends”.

I am f*cking living for Charli as she insults Brett TO HIS FACE about how he immediately ran and told her what Scheana said about her, and brings up the fact that he brought up his ex on a date. I mean, she did ask about her, but still, I love her commitment to being messy. I don’t know where casting found this girl, but thank god they did.

Brett: We were on a lunch gathering now that I know it wasn’t a date

^How I’m going to refer to all my bad dates from now on

I’m f*cking dead with Charli stirring up a bunch of drama and being like “ok well I have to go back to my table now, don’t hate me, if you’re mad about it go write about it in your diary.” 

“Go write about it in your diary” is going to be my next excuse.

Me to the next guy who wrongs me: You can go write about our gathering in your diary.

I love that Jax and Brittany are leaning hard into “wedding week” being a thing, as if the past year has not been dedicated solely to them and their commitment to staying miserable for fame each other.

Honestly, if Stassi walked into my wedding venue and the first thing she said was a mix of Game of Thrones and Downton Abbey, I’d cancel the whole thing.

Lala showed up wearing a white, bridal-adjacent dress to the rehearsal dinner. You can’t wear white to wedding events, that’s just like, the rules of feminism!

LMAO so Katie and Tom’s lizard, Dog (or Daug? I am told it was a Game of Thrones reference) died. I love animals and all, but it is hilarious that Schwartz couldn’t even keep a lizard (or dragon? I am told it was a Game of Thrones thing) alive for more than five minutes.

There are so many weird updos at this rehearsal, this feels less like Vanderpump Rules and more like an audition tape for Real Housewives of New Jersey.

It’s funny to me that Sandoval did a fake advertisement for a best man service, when actually, there is a girl out there who is a bridesmaid for hire. He’s no Jen Glantz, I’ll say that much.

Petty Jax is not ready to give up his beef with Sandoval, and has to remind us all (even though nobody asked) that Schwartz is the #1 Tom in the group. 

James and Raquel are back in LA (I guess they are not going to the wedding, though I guess I never thought they would be), and James is incredibly salty about Jax and Brittany’s hashtag, which let me just say for the record, is objectively a good wedding hashtag. Lol, he’s just pissed he didn’t get the invite. He’s like “ahhh get it! Because Jax got it Wright and that’s Brittany’s last name! Haaa!” Yea dude, that’s the point of hashtags. You literally just described their purpose.

Ew, James is trying to gaslight Raquel so hard and he’s not even good at it. His first line of defense to the rage texts: Yea I said that when I was drunk, I say a lot of things when I’m drunk, I’m never mean to you sober, am I?

But I thought you weren’t drinking…….

Me:

His second line of defense: Ok maybe I get a tone with you when I’m sober, but I’m British, that’s who I am. If you don’t like who I am then leave.

His third line of defense: cut it out or I’m gonna leave you right now.

And then he’s out… but he’s back two seconds later with puppy dog eyes, a baby voice, and a half-assed apology. Except he’s not even listening to her while she talks; he’s looking at his nails, not making eye contact.

Queen Raquel is being extremely mature and intending to go to an AlAnon Meeting, which frankly, every person on this cast should probably do. I do feel like, without the distraction of Jax being in a coke-fueled rage or Kristen blacking out and falling over, I can’t ignore the fact that James does have a serious drinking problem and should probably never drink again in his life. I know Lisa has been saying it for at least the past season, but you got me! I’m finally in agreement now. You got me! I’m on board.

Images: Bravo; Giphy

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: It’s All About The Pastor

We’re only on week 8 of Vanderpump Rules, and I don’t know about you guys, but I think I’ve aged approximately 75 years. Serious question, is following this show now considered a form of masochism? Because if so, I think that’s my kink. *Adds to dating app profile*

Last week was basically all about the pasta pastor, and Jax and Brittany’s lame attempts to avoid talking about him so as not to look bad on camera. Judging by Reddit, Twitter, and the mandatory survey I make all my friends take after watching each episode, that strategy backfired on them big time. We ended the episode with Brittany screaming at Sandoval (because he dared question Jax and Brittany’s motives for waiting to act for so long) and threatening to knock him out. (Or, I guess if you want to get technical, begging Jax to knock him out.) Now, I don’t advocate for violence, but I would love to see Brittany and Sandoval have a full-on brawl. There would be hair extensions and gel everywhere. In all honesty, I think Sandoval would win, if only because his hair and skin would be so oiled-up, Brittany wouldn’t be able to get a hold of him.

Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself, and I don’t want this to turn into a Brian Moylan-esque fan fic. 

At Katie and Tom’s, they have gotten a lizard that they have aptly named… dog. For some reason, this feels like the most Schwartzy thing ever. They’re sh*t talking Sandoval for trying to “act woke” as if they all weren’t doing that earlier last episode. At least when Sandoval acts woke, he does it in public where he can actually maybe do something, versus just pretending to be woke in private for the cameras!

Jax is fully ready to kick Sandoval out of his wedding party because Sandoval hasn’t called him to apologize for… asking a question that caused Jax to go into a rage spiral. Jax having full-on coke-rage-eyes while trying to insist he’s “not mad about it” is pretty f*cking hilarious, though.

Meanwhile, Sandoval and Ariana are over at their house pow-wowing. I don’t really care about his methods, I’m still Team Sandoval. Ariana shades Brittany for claiming she lives in a fairytale world, when she doesn’t know what princess tries to encourage the groom to commit aggravated assault. Maybe not in any of the Disney franchises, but probably the trailer park princesses Brittany grew up watching. Just kidding! Was that too far?

Eek, speaking of trailer park soulmates, Lala and Randall are renovating their home. I’ve also noticed that Lala owns three shirts, and they all consist of giant screen-prints of her face on them. Well, there’s something to be said for consistency.

Randall is on camera for the first time, and I’ve gotta say I did not really expect his voice to be like that. I don’t know what I expected, but I didn’t expect it to be… normal. (Does anyone think he kind of sounds like Andy Cohen? No? Just me?) Also, I do not want to hear Randall’s opinion on this feud. This is ridiculous. It would be like me commenting on the goings-on at my local high school.

At Villa Rosa, Brett comes over to train Lisa, but she didn’t manage to tell him that her “foot kind of hurts” so she won’t be training (me thinking of bullsh*t excuses to avoid playing soccer in summer camp). Lisa waiting until Brett shows up at her house to train her, only to tell him she can’t train that day, is apparently not an abnormal occurrence for Brett. Is anyone else going to comment on the borderline sexual harassment vibes here? Like, Lisa seems legit jealous that Brett is hooking up with other hostesses… and not her. 

Meanwhile at SUR, Dayna is under the impression that she and Max are exclusive. Why would she have that crazy idea? Oh, idk, because they explicitly had an agreement to be exclusive. Meanwhile, this jackass is borderline claiming not to remember because he was “really tired” when they had that conversation. That’s not a thing.

Jax comes to SUR, and walks up to the bar, full coke eyes, to accost Sandoval in the back alley. Ah, just like the old days. This conversation plays out exactly like what would happen if you got a call from a spoofed number and called that number back:

Tom: Hey what’s up man?
Jax: I don’t know, what’s up with you? You got something to say to me?
Tom: You called me tho…

Jax is so funny, being like “do you want to say something to me? Sorry, maybe?” and he invites Sandoval to apologize, but not actually apologize, because he tells him that if he tries to “deflect” or “bring up the past” (this entire situation is by definition rooted in the past) then he’ll walk.

Sandoval: You know who doesn’t like the past being brought up? Hypocrites and people with bad credit.

Well, we all know Jax is probably both.

This argument is basically a boiled-down version of the “I’m the number one guy in the group” argument, where Jax is accusing Tom of trying to sabotage him or something. I’d also like a producer cut of Jax ever apologizing, while he accuses Sandoval of never apologizing? Come on, are y’all asleep this episode or what?

Jax uninvites him from the wedding, so Sandoval finally apologizes. Damn, is the open bar gonna be that good that it’s worth your integrity?

Over at SUR, Brett asks Charli out. Why does this have to be so incestuous of a workplace? *Checks notes* oh right, because it’s a bar. Charli is reluctant, but says yes because “a millionaire” once told her “you always say yes to a date so you can keep them guessing the second, third, fourth time.” I want to see less of this Charli/Brett showmance and more of this alleged millionaire sage. Was it Randall?

Speaking of millionaires giving unsolicited advice, Lala and Randall go to meet Jax and Brittany for dinner, really doubling down on the Randall appearances this episode. This guy went from 0 to 60 in the span of 20 minutes. I’m sort of impressed by how quickly he flip-flopped from avoiding the show at all costs to inserting himself into every scene. That Fofty money really made a dent, huh?

Speaking of 0 to 60, Jax goes into ANOTHER full-on rage (this is my Christmas), talking sh*t about Sandoval, telling him he needs to “figure out his girlfriend’s issues, figure out what sexuality she is because it changes every day.” Okay, I don’t have to go into how disgusting of a comment that is, we all know, right? And Lala doesn’t say anything, because that’s how good of a party Jax and Brittany are throwing, apparently. And as someone who has hooked up with Ariana, no less! Say what you want about me, but my morals are worth more than a $150 plated dinner. $151, though? You might have a deal.

Brittany goes to semi agree with Jax, but because she’s not repeating what he’s saying verbatim, he goes into a full manipulation spiral, like “why can’t you just support me? Why can’t you just agree with me, all the time, no questions asked, like a woman is supposed to do?” Season 6 Jax, I wondered when you would make an appearance again.

Lala calls Ariana a wet blanket, and she and Brittany agree that Sandoval and Ariana don’t want to see people do well. IT’S CALLED HAVING A F*CKING MORAL COMPASS, LOOK IT UP.

Oh, now ALL OF A SUDDEN Jax reveals that he’s “always” wanted to have Randall in his wedding. “Always”? I’m sure it has nothing to do with the private jets or vacations. But sure, he’s always wanted Randall there. Ever since… Two days ago. They go way back. 

Maybe this whole fight was orchestrated so they could kick Sandoval out of the wedding, get Randall in there, and get some more PJ flights? Is that crazy, or am I onto something?

Also, I have no doubt in my mind that Sandoval and Ariana will be at this wedding, but if for some reason they really don’t go, then we should have all partied with Tom and Ariana. A missed opportunity!

Sandoval tells Schwartz he’s been uninvited from the wedding, and Schwartz doesn’t think that Sandoval approached this correctly. He says “you came at it with an accusatory tone.” Yeah, I’d say that’s pretty much hard to avoid when you are deadass accusing someone of turning a blind eye until they were forced to do something because of the optics. Schwartz says he’s going to have to “go over to make a case,” and now the two of them are having a crying heart-to-heart because god forbid Schwartz do anything by himself, even standing up at an altar. Seriously, what do best men even do? Give one speech? Can Schwartz do anything? 

Over in Marina Del Rey, Scheana calls Brett because she’s cooking her “famous enchiladas” and invites him over. (So famous nobody has heard of them.) Brett has to break the news that he’s actually going on a date with Charli, and you can tell poor Scheana is gutted, telling Brett he needs someone a little more mature. But you guys, she’s just giving advice on who he should date because he’s her “best friend”! She totally doesn’t want to sleep with him at all!

While the guys try on their wedding suits (a week before? What if they needed another alteration?) Ariana comes over to talk to Brittany. Jax doesn’t even wait until Ariana’s out of earshot before saying “this is an awkward situation.” 

Brittany is still sticking to the lie that she didn’t see anything that the Pastor had said. 

All of us:
Jax is sticking to his decision that Sandoval is out of the wedding. Dark. I actually didn’t think that would happen. 

Brett and Charlie are on a date for… smoothies? Are you f*cking serious? I’d be out of here.

Charli says she has only tried an avocado earlier this year, which reminds me of the time it took my father 55 years on Earth to try one orange. Like, the fruit. In my dad’s defense, he grew up so poor he ate ketchup sandwiches. Wait, was that just a joke? Wait, was he also joking about it being illegal to drive with the lights on in your car? Wait.

Anyway, if the “I’m not like other girls, I’ve never had an avocado” shtick wasn’t annoying enough, she’s also sticking to the pasta thing. Good god, get this girl outta here.

She also asks Brett about his ex, only to make fun of him for talking about his ex. That is some Lisa Vanderpump level of meddling. However, Brett does think “genuitity” is a word, so there’s that. I’m just going to start doing what Charli does and sh*t talk guys to their face, being like “wow, you’re still talking? I’ve never even listened to a podcast this long!” Just kidding, I’m not nearly hot enough to do that. Maybe if I stop eating avocados and pasta? No, you’re right, I’m still not hot enough to make having the food preferences of a toddler my central personality trait. Ok, back to the drawing board!

The next day (or however they edit the passage of time on this show), Jax and Brittany go over to Lisa’s so she can tell them that she can’t come to the wedding because her mother passed away. 

I love that from Lisa’s “life is short” speech, Jax has appeared to glean the exact opposite. Instead of being like “f*ck it, let’s have Sandoval come, you never know what will happen in the future, and we should cherish the time we have with our loved ones while we have it”, Jax has adopted a fake mobster mentality of “I took care of a family member and a best friend. Who’s next?” You’d think the takeaway of a “life can be taken from you at any moment” speech would be “let me reconcile with all my friends”, not “let me double down on cutting everyone out of my life who disagrees with me.”

Ariana meets with Lala and Stassi, who are basically telling her to roll over to keep the peace. Lala is a trip, calling Ariana a wet blanket in one breath and then being incredulous that she wouldn’t want to talk about her mental health struggles the next. God, these people. How far do you have to stick your head up your own surgically-enhanced ass to not see the glaring hypocrisy here? And to not fathom why Ariana would be reluctant to open up about her mental health struggles, when all you’ve done is call her a Debby Downer and a wet blanket? 

Seeing Ariana break down in front of Sandoval is making me borderline feel actual emotions. And again I say, we must protect Ariana at all costs. She’s like, the only person on this show I care about, mostly because she doesn’t believe in blind, unwavering loyalty and is just as over these people as I am. Love you sis!

Images: Bravo; Giphy

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Are You 34 Or 16?

We’re already on episode 6 of the eighth season of Vanderpump Rules, which means we only have about 14 weeks to go. *Pops a Xanax* (don’t worry guys, I am legally prescribed). I don’t know why I do it to myself year after year, but at this point, I’ve committed to a consistent season of Vanderpump Rules longer than I’ve had any relationship in New York. But it’s fine, I’m fine! Maybe I’ll start adding that to my dating app profiles; things can’t go any worse for me at this point.

Anyway, you all know what time it is: Pride time! In past years, SUR Pride has brought us Scheana’s ear-splitting excuse for singing, James’s body-shaming, and lots of back-alley conversations. Can’t wait to see what this year will bring!

The episode opens with Schwartz saying “I have so much laundry debt, I need a counselor.” Normally I wouldn’t even bother making a note about the opening sequences because they’re total throwaways, but I cannot let this go: what is laundry debt? You mean you have laundry to do? Do you like, owe piles of laundry (or money) to a laundry shark who is now holding your clothes hostage? I can’t tell if I hate that phrase or I love it so much I’m going to start using it every week.

While that will go largely unresolved unless Schwartz somehow reads these recaps and decides to clarify, Sandoval comes over, brandishing rainbow bedazzled motorcycle jackets and sneakers for Pride, and I cannot decide if he had these specially made for Pride or just had them lying around. Both possibilities would track equally.

James is the ticking time bomb that everyone fears is going to go off during his DJing stint at TomTom during Pride. (Can’t imagine why, probably because you’re letting an alcoholic DJ on one of the busiest and least supervised days of the year?) Sandoval (and everyone else) has to make it seem like James just has this incredible DJ presence and he has this great energy that makes people buy drinks, and while I respect the art of DJing, James is not exactly the next Tiësto because he throws a couple hip-hop songs together and yells “PUMPTINIIII” into the mic. Really, they all have to pretend like James is a musical prodigy because they can’t just state the obvious, which is that people come to see James because he is on TV and people are thirsty.

Elsewhere at Lisa’s house, Scheana, Raquel, and Danica are over for some reason. What a motley crew. By the way, shouts out to the Bravo editors, who are truly working harder than the devil this season by showing video montages of everyone’s lies and bullsh*t. This time, after Scheana insists that Max is her “best friend”, they show a montage (that probably could have been longer than the Oscars tbh) of Scheana insisting whichever slampiece of the moment was her “best friend.” Immediately after, they show Scheana, edited to make it look like she is talking to herself, spiraling into hysterics trying to insist that she’s not jealous of Dayna. I have no choice but to stan.

Scheana insists in her talking head, “clearly I am not jealous of Dayna,” and I’ve got to wonder how it is supposedly clear to Scheana, because it’s not clear to any of us. In fact, the exact opposite is clear. 

Raquel uses this very moment to bring up the fact that Dayna will be getting her hair done with Raquel’s stylist the next day. Raquel, read the room. Scheana continues to go on and on about how she’s NOT JEALOUS OF DAYNA and everyone else is so over it at this point that they’re openly texting at the table. Same tho. Scheana, if you can’t handle getting a blowout in the same vicinity as this girl, then you DO have a jealousy problem.

Ariana comes over, and Lisa asks her if she’s still feeling depressed. Lisa then opens up about the depression she felt after her brother’s suicide, and it’s overall a great moment for mental health awareness. However. Ariana describes a moment she had where she was driving her car on the freeway and thought to herself “what if I just drove my car off the freeway?” and I feel compelled to point out that those are called intrusive thoughts and are pretty normal. Anyone who’s ever had a flash of thought about punting the baby next to them across the street knows what I’m talking about! Anyway. All in all, though, I’m here for this mental health awareness moment and I will physically fight anyone who calls Ariana negative or a downer. SHE IS DOING HER BEST! WE MUST PROTECT HER AT ALL COSTS. And being open about your struggles doesn’t make you a “downer”. K I’m done.

Okay, so Lala, Stassi, and Brittany are hanging out and basically talking about Pride. I also have to commend Stassi for pointing out that James being hired is ridiculous; they LITERALLY LIVE IN LOS ANGELES, where every random person on the street probably “is a DJ” (has a Soundcloud account) and they don’t need to rely on the human embodiment of Russian Roulette that is James Kennedy. And while that may be true, again, every random DJ on the street is not a cast member on this show who can guarantee hundreds of fans will show up (though I’m sure they’d like to be).

It is at this time that I must confess to you all my conflicted feelings about James. Yes, he says gross things to women. Yes, he seems to be treating Raquel very badly (more on this momentarily). But also, he is f*cking hilarious. Case in point: right after the Fofty/Randall feud heard ‘round the world, he posted a caption on Instagram referencing Fofty’s infamous “money by Monday” threat. Misogynist or not, alcoholic or not, this is plain hilarious, and in a sense I respect that James is the only person who is not going to suck Lala’s metaphorical dick just to ensure he can get rides on Randall’s private jet. Of course, Lala didn’t appreciate this one bit, which is why she and James stopped talking. I’m sorry, but this was national news, not some fringe internet feud. It’s f*cking fair game. If Fifty Cent ever threatened me publicly, I would allow—nay, expect—my friends to make jokes about it until the end of time (and even in the afterlife when we’re all chilling in Hell).

The next morning, Dayna leaves Max’s apartment and has to (gasp) barrel curl her own hair because Scheana took her spot with Raquel’s hairstylist, aka Scheana probably threw a fit and refused to be in the same vicinity as Dayna. I wish I could take credit for this epic burn, but is she 34 or 16?

Over at SUR, they are down a bartender, and Jax is throwing a fit. Good thing this isn’t happening at TomTom, otherwise Sandoval would personally burn the entire place down and ban everyone’s spirits from ever setting foot in the establishment to haunt it. Jax is also refusing to help set up because he says “I don’t do that.” Really, he’s just jealous that he doesn’t get to be on the float and the other waitstaff does, because in Jax Taylor’s world, he is the number one guy in the group and HE should be the one on the float, dammit!

Ariana appreciation post #2 for this being her first Pride as an out bisexual woman. Again, we must protect her at all costs.

And the honorary Oscar for Best Editing once again goes to the producers for so expertly exposing how Jax is completely full of sh*t, claiming he doesn’t find Dayna hot, when in reality, he knows Brittany would pull a Lorena Bobbitt on him if he so much as got caught on camera breathing in her direction with purpose. He claims he doesn’t like blondes, so naturally all the Bravo producers have to do is splice together all the footage of every time Jax dated a blonde. It’s enough times to constitute a pattern. The only missed opportunity is them not reshowing how Jax blatantly hit on Lala when she first emerged on this show, because as much as they like to pretend otherwise, we all know something happened.

Beau somehow manages to show up to Pride looking like a heterosexual Southern dad, and I think there’s something to be said for that. Lala, meanwhile, looks like a Kylie Jenner knockoff with her lip fillers and green wig.

vanderpump rules season 8 episode 6

That lip liner will haunt me in my dreams.

Lala pulls James out from behind the DJ booth, which seems ill-advised, because isn’t he on the clock? She does this so he can apologize (with terrible audio that I can barely hear) for the Fofty caption. I’m actually pretty confused because I thought just last episode Lala forgave James, and basically said they were friends again? I thought we were past this.

James has asked for a “soda water with lime, and a little… you know” and Max returns with what appears to be soda water, and lime, but in a Casamigos cup. To me, the cup is not necessarily indicative of anything sketchy, because it was one of those sh*tty plastic reusable cups that the liquor distributor probably gave the bar for free, but the camera zooms in on the logo to hammer the point home anyway. Was “you know” a code for a little splash of liquor? Some pasta? As James is walking away, Lala accuses him of not having a non-alcoholic drink, and she appears to be on the money because James won’t let her have a sip of it. I’m kind of impressed James had the brain cells/foresight to not openly ask for liquor while he’s mic’d up, but also obviously disappointed that he is drinking again and pretending he’s not.

I will now demote the VPR producers one (1) Oscar for making me listen to Scheana’s terrible music again, even if just through a flashback of Stassi talking about how she wanted to impale herself because of it. Great, now I guess we’re both impaling ourselves.

Raquel apparently missed James’s whole set because she got carried away at Pride, so he does a normal and well-adjusted thing and calls her to curse her out and tell her to f*ck herself. Ah yes, spoken like someone who definitely isn’t in a belligerent drunken rage. 

Hearing Raquel be like “James was totally in the wrong but I don’t want to say anything to him because he’ll explode in anger” is seriously dark. What is with the emotional abuse on this show?? Raquel, blink twice if you need help. The girls will probably like you better if you leave James anyway.

James goes to say hi to Lisa after his set, and you could tell that she’s visibly surprised that he isn’t falling-down drunk at this point. Baby steps, I guess? Hearing James try to get Lisa to be proud of him is very depressing. I’m picking up on some mommy issues here, anyone else?

Raquel is not having a good day, because after getting verbally abused by her boyfriend, she then no-showed for her shift at SUR, so she’s going to get reamed out by Peter (the one person on this show who may actually be doing their job). Peter takes her (and James, who is there for some reason) out back to chew her out for not showing up because the whole restaurant was understaffed. 

No one:
James: 

ight i'mma head out

Peter appreciation post for getting his five minutes of fame, getting to yell at Raquel and tell her she needs to choose between her boyfriend or her job. Love you Peter. Enjoy your time back in the hole Bravo keeps you in! I hope you brought snacks and plenty of entertainment, because by my calculations, you won’t be back until the reunion when Bravo lets you out to serve the cast a tray of drinks.

And now the Bravo producers have lost their other honorary Oscar for making me listen to Sceheana sing “Good As Gold” AGAIN, for real this time, not even in a flashback. It’s like they want me to imaple myself? *Grabs nearest shiv* Fine, I’ll do it!

But for real, how much do we think Scheana bribed everyone in the vicinity for a chance to sing a song nobody wanted to hear?

Coming off the high of her performance, Scheana grabs Dayna outside to talk (and also grabs her inhaler because this might get heated). 

 

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gotta get a hit

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Dayna basically calls Scheana out for being the only person to haze her, and the whole Max thing, and yadda yadda yadda. You’ve all seen it. Dayna asks Scheana if she’s 34 or 16. Bravo. She hit the nail on the head. (Also, the outfits are not helping.)

Dayna calls it like it is and says she feels Scheana is threatened of her. Scheana, in a slightly believable spin (but that still isn’t fooling me), makes this more about Dayna stealing Scheana’s friends instead of her man. Oh, I’m sorry, her “best friend”. 

Lmfao at Scheana’s logic: “this new girl comes in, starts hanging out with my friends, and they all go to her comedy show. What are her intentions?”

Dayna: ….To make friends?

Scheana cannot take the heat and immediately starts breaking down crying. She says something that leads me to believe that she may be undergoing preparation for her egg freezing treatment at this time. If that is the case, I will reluctantly give her a pass, because that sh*t is f*cking brutal. I can barely keep my sh*t together on my placebo birth control days, I couldn’t imagine willingly injecting myself with a f*ckton of hormones and trying to not go on a homicidal rage.

And that’s it for this week! Overall, a kind of boring Vanderpump Rules Pride, I must say. I hope next week they continue where we left off, because I know that James is about one second from flying off the handle, and that is going to be a full-on disaster.

Images: Bravo (2); Nickelodeon, bravobybetches / Instagram