If you took a sip of a PUMP-TI-NI every time someone lied on Vanderpump Rules, you’d be drunker than James Kennedy while he’s doing a DJ set. And if you took a taste of Raquel’s “pasta” every time a cast member says in a sinister tone, “The truth always reveals itself,” we’d have to check you into rehab. In other words, telling the truth is not exactly this cast’s forte. And what a tangled web of lies and tacky hair extensions this band of pretend-waiters weaves, because they can’t even fit in all the huge lies they tell into 20 episodes. So, we’re here to tell you some of the biggest lies these degenerates have been caught in. At least, the ones that we know of.
1. James Kennedy’s Real Name
James Kennedy is truly an enigma because we can’t decide if we love to hate him or hate to love him. Another mystifying thing about James? His real name isn’t even James Kennedy, it’s actually James Georgiu. Neither of his parents have changed their last names, BTW. He used to never shut up about how his dad was huge in the music industry, so why wouldn’t he want to share the same last name as someone that is that prominent? If I had to guess why James chose Kennedy as his last name, I think he just wanted to sound like he was the member of the elite and so he chose the surname of the second most obvious royal family in America (after the Kardashians, obvi). James Kardashian just wouldn’t work. Vanderpump Rules clearly occupies my headspace at least 90% of the day, and it’s suddenly dawning on me now that no one there goes by their real names. Lala’s real name is Lauryn, and I’ve never heard of a Lauren going by a nickname that sounds like a Teletubby. We all know Jax’s real name is Jason Cauchi. Scheana went by Scheana Marie and still goes by Scheana Shay even though she literally had a countdown app for her divorce to be finalized. I’m guessing she uses a fake name because Scheana Jancan doesn’t sound as appealing. If these cast members are all using fake names, what else could they possibly be hiding?
2. Brittany Not Knowing Anything About Jax’s Past Before Moving To L.A.
Pretty much all of the Vanderpump Rules stars dream of “making it” as an actor, but Brittany might be the biggest contender for an Academy Award for playing the naive ingénue role her entire life. By now, she has to know that Jax is never going to change, and she’s probably just in it for a role on the hottest reality show, and to get sponsored by detox teas. On Watch What Happens Live, Brittany’s mom was in the audience when Brittany and Jax were being interviewed and told Andy she was a fan of Pump Rules before Brittany started dating Jax. In fact, when Brittany met Jax that fateful night in Vegas (while he was on a date with another woman, BTW), she took a picture with him and sent it to her mom, who told her who he was.
So, here’s where it gets interesting: Brittany played innocent the entire time and claimed she’s never seen the show and she knew nothing about Jax before moving out to L.A. two months after meeting him in Vegas. But her mom clearly watched the show and had reservations about Jax, so it seems unlikely that Sherry didn’t tell her own daughter what a scumbag Jax could be. So Brittany playing the wide-eyed innocent who moved out to L.A. because she loved Jax and thought he was such a great guy from the get-go doesn’t really add up.
3. Jax’s Emotional Affair With His Reiki Instructor
Remember Kelsey? Of course you do! Her “emotional affair” with Jax was one of the major storylines of last season. But it turns out that that “emotional affair” was bullsh*t because Kelsey is happily married and she maintains that she has love and affection for all of her clients. Also, having an emotional affair with a guy who is a total sociopath and incapable of emotion is impossible anyway. But more concretely, Kelsey has a podcast called Break Up With Your BS, and she addressed what happened with Jax in one episode. She said she had no idea how things were being edited and the producers didn’t let her know her storyline at all. In fact, Jax and Kelsey’s one-on-one sessions got started because after Jax’s group session with the Tom’s and Peter, Kelsey pulled aside a producer and said she was seriously worried about Jax. If you go to Kelsey’s Instagram, there’s a saved story called “F*ck Vanderpump Rules” where she further defends herself. It’s pretty f*cked that the one time a genuinely good-hearted, selfless person that isn’t seeking fame comes on Vanderpump Rules, she ends up being edited to look like a home-wrecker.
4. The Timeline Of Kristen And Tom’s Breakup
When season 2 wrapped up filming, and before the reunion had been taped, Kristen and Tom hadn’t *actually* called it quits. Well, not publicly anyway. Kristen maintains that they broke up in November because he cheated—yet again—and she failed to mention in the below tweet that she cheated on him, like, all the time. Before the reunion, Stassi was very ostentatious about moving all the way to New York City for Patrick, thus spoiling the finale and the reunion. Meanwhile, Tom and Kristen actually took the high road (for once) and publicly pretended to be in a relationship for the sake of the show. They even sucked it up and did Watch What Happens Live together three months after their breakup.
— Tom Sandoval (@TomSandoval1) February 11, 2014
— Tom Sandoval (@TomSandoval1) February 11, 2014
First off, this is probably the first (and only) time that the words “Kristen Doute” and “professional” have been used in the same sentence, so props to her. But while she was being professional for once, she at least got to witness her so-called boyfriend get insulted on national television by someone who called in.
You couldn’t pay me enough to fake being in a relationship with any of my ex-boyfriends—unless I got to sit next to them as they get shamed in front of a national television audience. So everything you know about the timeline of their relationship is probably wrong.
As far as lies the Vanderpump Rules cast has told, I’m sure this barely scratches the surface. Still, I need to go rewatch all of seasons 2 and 6 now that I’m armed with this new knowledge. If you need me, I’ll be unavailable for the next two weeks.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy; @TomSandoval1 / Twitter (2); YouTube