Vanderpump Rules fans, the rumors we’ve been hearing for months have been confirmed: Jax and Brittany are getting their own spin-off show on Bravo (obviously). It will be called Vanderpump Rules: Jax & Brittany Take Kentucky, and just by the name alone we know a lot of things. Namely, we know Bravo producers have zero imagination when it comes to naming shows—which should have been evident by Summer House and Sweet Home Oklahoma (seriously, you’re not even in the right state), but I guess I was naive.
As the name implies, the show will be like The Simple Life mixed with that episode on The Bachelor where the girls had a group date shoveling cow poop. Bravo’s The Daily Dish said Jax “rocks overalls, a cowboy hat, and cowboy boots while doing chores. Yes, chores.” Okay, Bravo. Calm down. But yeah, I’ll watch Jax attempt to milk a cow or whatever tf it is they do in Kentucky. Seriously, can someone tell me? I honestly don’t have a clue. Will he like, pluck and fry some chickens? Or is that Colonel Sanders’ job?
Either way, I’m hoping we see a whole lot of this:
Obviously, the entire show won’t just be Jax complaining about doing chores—we’ll also get a lot of Brittany’s family (and hopefully her mom’s silver lipstick). But the ~pressure~ starts mounting when Brittany’s family starts asking about marriage. The Daily Dish writes,“‘When are you getting married, son?’ one of Brittany’s relatives asks the bartender.” Ooh, how scandalous! I couldn’t imagine that would happen, considering it’s not like Brittany’s been asking Jax the same thing this entire season of VPR. Later, Jax supposedly tells Brittany’s mom, “I want to get married and I want to get married soon.” In other words, “I’m pushing 40 and I can’t pretend to bartend forever and since I’m not a man slut for the time being I’ve got to get screen time in other ways.”
Also according to Bravo, “tensions start to rise…” “Brittany starts crying…” “the entire trip falls apart…” the same typical bullshit and melodrama we’re all expecting.
But the real issue that nobody’s talking about is: Is Vanderpump Rules over? I feel like it might be, as much as it pains me to put these thoughts into writing. For one, Katie and Tom are married and therefore lame. Stassi has taken a backseat on the Manipulation Express and is even like, crying that people (Ariana) don’t like her? Tom and Ariana are happily in love, Jax
stopped slutting around has his own show, Lala is gone, and even KRISTEN is acting fucking sane now. Have our favorite band of psychopaths grown up? Is this the end? Please god, say it isn’t so.
I’m not trying to
cause anyone’s world to come crashing down be negative, but I can see the writing on the wall. First, everyone slowly moves on, even while they tell you to your face that nothing is changing, then before you even know what happened—BOOM, you’re left with nothing. This is exactly how my parents’ divorce went down. JK they’re still happily married, but the point stands. I hate to say it, but I think this is the beginning of the end.
Now if you need me I’ll be in my Vanderpump Rules shrine, burning a candle made of Jax’s ear wax and Stassi’s hairs and furiously chanting “I’m the white fucking Kanye West,” doing all I can to keep this show alive.