Any hot betch knows that having perfect hair is crucial. Your hairstylist is probably in your inner circle, if not your emergency contact list. It’s probably your most important investment and is totally worth spending twice your rent on. I say this as someone who takes any opportunity to hijack a conversation to mention that TWO of Scott Disick mistresses liked a picture of my hair on Instagram once. And I know what I’m talking about when I critique people’s hair, because did I mention that no less than TWO of Scott Disick’s mistresses liked a picture of MY HAIR on Instagram once? Who better than me to critique than a bunch of image-obsessed degenerates who made a career out of making terrible decisions, otherwise known as the cast of Vanderpump Rules? Nobody, that’s who. Here are some of the worst hairstyles in the history of Vanderpump Rules.
Tom Sandoval once said, “People put a lot of effort into the way they look, and it shows. I put even more effort in—so that it doesn’t show.” And he’s totally right. But seriously, he must have put so much effort into not looking like he put in the effort to look like a wannabe Pete Wentz circa 2005. He doesn’t look like a model/actor—excuse me, I mean “mactor.” No actually, excuse me, I mean fake bartender.
If the “look” Sandoval is going for here is Avril Lavigne‘s future ex-husband, then he has succeeded. Sorry Tom, but if you look like the night shift manager at Hot Topic who dropped out of community college to focus on his band, then you are no longer allowed to be a sanctimonious douchebag about how fashionable and image conscious you are.
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Photoshoot this past weekend w/ @joesimpsonphoto styled by @jonathankeith792 makup/hair @michelleqbeauty
And remember when Schwartz got a perm for no good reason? Yeah, we try to forget too. Perms stopped being excusable after Chutney used it as a failed defense in Legally Blonde to cover up that she killed her dad. Next.
Okay, if you run a half-assed beauty blog and call it your life’s passion, you better be sure that you always have great hair. And I’m sorry, but Katie’s attempt at being blonde was as much of a sh*tshow as a musical showcase by Scheana. I don’t think that color even exists on the color spectrum. Is it yellow? Is it orange? I honestly don’t know. Did Schwartz pour that beer all over her head in Mexico because he thought that would wash the color out? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
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This is one of the most iconic moments on VANDERPUMP RULES and I had to pay tribute to her weird golden trash bag of a dress. I love a good open back dress (emphasis on good) but she is honestly one drunken shimmy away from a serious nip slip with that loose neckline. I also must admit I do not get the three lopsided buns in a row on her head. They look like little orange knots stacked on top of each other, which cannot be what she was going for. If she ever updates PUCKER&POUT again, I hope she gives us a tutorial for this look, not because I want to recreate it, but because I’d like an explanation as to what the thought process was here. #vanderpumprules #pumprules #vpr #bravotv #tequilakatie #katiemaloneyschwartz
I don’t know about you, but I always thought Peter was the most datable one on the show. Maybe it’s because he had that sexy pirate vibe going on, or maybe it’s because he was wise enough to act as the voice of reason and not put his drama front and center. But in the later seasons of Pump Rules, he chopped off his ponytail and got rid of his goatee.
Usually, when a guy gets rid of the ponytail and facial hair, you’re glad he’s finally seen the light, quit his drum circle, and donated his Baja hoodie to Goodwill. But Peter? I don’t know, he just perpetually looked like something was missing from his face. Stick with the Jack Sparrow look, Peter!
Lala Kent is everything to me. She can do no wrong. So I totally forgive her for that time she wore her hair like a Shih Tzu’s to Katie and Tom’s engagement party that she ruined (shout-out to Adderall and Compliments for the spot-on comparison!). I don’t forgive Lala for this misstep because I’m being the bigger person instead of being secretly happy that I finally have better-looking hair than a girl who perpetually looks perfect; I forgive her because Society6 made it into a bomb-ass couch pillow that totally doesn’t alienate any guys I bring back to my place. (My Kris Jenner shower curtain does that, though.)
I will say, though, that the dark hair isn’t doing her any favors lately. Lala needs to bring back the blonde.
Let’s be real here: Jax isn’t exactly any guy’s or any girl’s fitspiration anymore. He’s aging, and the hard-partying lifestyle he refuses to give up has definitely caught up with him. So, last season he put zero effort into his looks because he knew Brittany would never leave him (no matter how many times he cheated on her, degraded her, and generally treated her like sh*t). So instead of putting any sort of effort into his hair, he shaved it off. Instead of wearing tasteful chunky sweaters (quite the #tbt, remember his sweater line aspiration?), he settles for wearing Saturdays are for the Incels—sorry, I meant Boys—T-shirts. Talk about a make-under.
To be clear, I never really got the appeal of Jax Taylor before. But now? His aesthetic screams “35-year-old substitute teacher in Albuquerque who peaked in high school and spends his boys nights out at happy hour at Applebee’s sneaking $1 Bahama Mama’s to the underage hostess only to get fake numbered by her later so he rage-kicks his 2004 Saturn in the parking lot while listening to Limp Bizkit.” Damn, that was a longwinded insult. I may or may not have had some of Raquel’s pasta…
Besides bullies, ISIS, and people who have the audacity to tell me that Taco Bell isn’t authentic Mexican food, Scheana may be the worst person on the planet. But I have to admit, Scheana has always had pretty great hair. Sure, her relationships are sad, her music career is a joke, and she is so delusional that a guy tripping balls at Burning Man is more in touch with reality than she is. But in spite of that, she has great hair—except for that one time she infamously looked like an American Girl Doll, per Stassi. #Neverforget that weird headband/wrap thing, that hot pink lipstick that did her no favors, and the clown makeup she liked to rock in early seasons.
I can’t wait to see what beauty missteps the cast will commit on season 7 of Vanderpump Rules!
Images: Giphy (2)