‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: More Baggage Than Tumi

14 episodes into this season of Vanderpump Rules, and I still feel like nothing really of note has happened. Jax and Brittany’s wedding charade came and went. Kristen is spiraling further inside of herself. Lala is doubling down on her role as the cast bully. But are any of these actual events? This is nothing like Jax banging Kristen, or Kristen flying up Miami girl to accost Sandoval, or even Kristen wearing that desperate green dress to go “get her mail” post-breakup. I’m beginning to truly come to terms with the fact that Vanderpump Rules is so far removed from its heyday that it can never return. It is a shell of what it once was. Or am I being too idealistic? After all, even with all that said, I do think this has been comparatively a good season. 

When last week ended, Randall pranked Sandoval by way of Jax by getting him fake-arrested; the only person who vocally did not find it funny was Katie. This ends with Schwartz saying some truly gross things about his wife, and him being genuinely shocked that Katie does not still leave the party with him. Then again, these two just might be two toxic peas in a radioactive pod: Schwartz yells “that’s why I don’t f*ck her”; Katie screams about how his d*ck doesn’t work. A day in the life of the Bubbas.

This episode opens with Schwartz, Beau, Jax, and Max at a skate park—fitting considering all these guys have the emotional maturity of 14-year-olds. Jax asked Schwartz if he’s “squashed things” between him and Katie, and although I don’t think Jax is any kind of master—or even adequtae—wordsmith, given that he does not even know how to pronounce the word “inevitably”, I do find the fact that he refers to a serious issue in Schwartz and Katie’s marriage as something that needs to be “squashed” troubling. 

I spent all this time using my creative writing degree, and came back into the other half of this cast at axe throwing, where Raquel is very good (respect) and Dayna is telling Brett about his big d*ck energy. Is this flirting now? You just… tell the guy he has a big d*ck? No wonder male mediocrity is at an all-time high.

At SUR, Charli tells a table of patrons that she is a picky person about her cheesecake so she goes to the Cheesecake Factory. We truly do not deserve her.

Guillermo comes up to Lisa to air some grievances about Danica. She apparently screwed up her food order at one of her two tables, which somehow resulted in one table getting overcharged $200? I’m not really clear on how that happened. I don’t really think it’s important, what is important is that Lisa clearly regrets hiring an Instagram model to manage one of her restaurants.

The next day, Schwartz and Katie are like, debriefing on their fight or whatever and Katie says she feels the prank was a little insensitive given the times we’re in. Uhh… do we… stan a woke queen? No, you’re right, the bar is so f*cking low for this show that I’ve deluded myself. But, we are cool with an aware person. I’ll say that.

Schwartz’s immediate response, though, is to snap, “don’t be a social justice warrior,” which is equal parts disappointing and unsurprising. Sheesh, read a f*cking newspaper. Ok, no you’re right, that’s asking too much. Read a f*cking tweet or two.

Hold on hold on hold on. Schwartz feels that Katie’s reaction to a prank on a 40-year-old was dumb and immature? But the prank itself was, what? The height of comedy and maturity? Am I living in the Upside Down?

This fight is completely glossed over with one half-assed apology and a little bit of baby talk from Schwartz, which is all it takes for him to get away with anything. I could see this scenario 100% happening:

Judge: On the charge of first-degree murder, how do you plead?
Schwartz: Your honor, I just like, don’t know, did I mess up? Yeah I guess, but, I’m trying my hardest… *puppy dog eyes*
Judge: You’re absolutely right, case dismissed and I award the defendant $1 million for his pain and suffering.

The next day, Katie, Stassi, and Kristen meet to talk about planning a Witches of Weho party. Stassi admitting that she’d rather be a dictator than part of a democracy is probably the most on-brand thing she has ever said. Anyone remember the “Nazi chic” scandal? It’s important to know yourself, I guess.

Lisa and Stassi’s mom join them for some reason, and Lisa spills the beans about seeing everyone in Vegas. The tea? Katie and Tom are getting married for real there, and Kristen. Isn’t. Invited. Wow, this sh*t is for real, then. 

Dayna and Brett are… meeting for drinks? *Checks screen again* they’re on a date? Huh? All it took was one BDE comment and they’re on a date already? This is hella strange. What’s also strange is that on this “date”, they’re like, pretending to psychoanalyze each other. 

Brett: I feel like you have a good head on your shoulders.
Dayna: I’m getting a sense that you may have a complicated relationship with a father figure, whose name starts with J?

Like, did they just add each other on Co-Star? Why are they doing this?

Dayna opens up about losing her mom. And I don’t even open up about any of my traumas until I get to the altar. Not sure if I should be scared or impressed with her. But how long do we think she had that “I have more baggage than Tumi” comment in her back pocket? And furthermore, is it okay if I steal it? 

So while Stassi is bitching to Lisa about how Beau hasn’t proposed yet, Beau is commandeering Katie and Schwartz to help out with the proposal, because he says they’re the only people he knows who can keep a secret. Has he met Schwartz? Schwartz can’t even keep a bartending shift.

Naturally, Kristen calls Scheana to ask what the deal is with Vegas, and naturally, Scheana spills all the beans. Gotta say, I’m kind of into this subplot of Scheana being Kristen’s informant all season. It’s so random, but such a necessary little deus ex machina.

Brittany walks into SUR and greets Peter, and you can tell she’s just waiting for Peter to say something about how she’s a married woman now. Thankfully Peter doesn’t take the bait. I love it.

The fact that we are supposed to believe that Brittany is taking a waitressing job at Sur to support herself is actually offensive. Offensive that they think we, who have been riding or dying for the past 7.5 seasons, will believe this. 

Ariana, Lala and Dayna are hanging out, and I’m not getting into this p*ssy tasting conversation, y’all, so don’t even ask. It’s kind of funny listening to Dayna give some fake justification why she’s ~suddenly~ into Brett (hint: a story line). Also funny that Dayna made a big show out of inviting Max to her birthday party, when in fact she did no such thing, but claims her party is an “open invite.” An “open invite” does not an invitation make. If it does, I’m pulling up next year.

Stassi and Beau are at dinner, once again fighting about whether or not they’re getting engaged. Instead of being like, “it’s coming, I have the ring, just chill out,” he’s like “nahhhh I’mma make it seem like I don’t really wanna get engaged and f*ck with her emotions and I’m stringing her along so she’ll be extra surprised when I finally pop the question.” That is an incredibly sh*tty take. And they are supposed to be the most stable VPR couple. Yikes. I’m beginning to see why the people in my Facebook groups aren’t as impressed with Beau as the general public seems to be.

Anyway, it’s time for Dayna’s birthday party. Unrelated but equally important: Charli named her boobs Tia and Tamera. Again, we don’t deserve an unintentional comedy queen.

Kristen takes Katie outside, and she’s already crying. Yikes haha, this isn’t going to end well. If there’s one thing Katie has disdain for, it’s open displays of emotion. And Kristen.

Katie and Kristen could not be on two more different pages. They’re not even in the same book, or on the same bookshelf. Katie is like, “Kristen, we haven’t been friends in a long time.” Meanwhile, Kristen is still insisting that she loves Katie and would jump in front of traffic for her. I too, would probably jump in front of traffic with respect to Katie, but with a different motive than Kristen for doing it.

Dayna hears that Scheana is actually upset about that she’s dating Max. No wait, Brett. I can’t keep up. Scheana is like, mad that Dayna didn’t clear the date with her? I thought she did that earlier at SUR? I’m very confused. I wish for once Scheana could call a spade a spade and just admit that she’s either A) just upset because she’s hormonal (this is me being generous) or B) upset because she wants to date Brett. 

The more Scheana insists she doesn’t like Brett, the more I just want to scream “the lady doth protest too much”. She really doth, though!

Holy sh*t, thank God Lala finally called out Scheana for taking in all these stray f*ckboys as her “best friend” du jour when she really has an interest in them. Is sober Lala… me?

Damn, I do feel bad for Scheana. Spoken as the designated single friend who’s always witnessing everyone around her find happiness with “their person”, it like, gets kind of annoying being by yourself for yet another significant life event.

Anyway, the episode ends with some sappy speech from Dayna, and then she and Brett, covered in cake, making out. Plus a final gem from Charli, who tries to run away from the cake but ends up with it on her face and in her hair: my skincare routine is too expensive for this sh*t.

Images: Bravo

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: It’s Not About The Carter

Friends, we have made it to the other side of the apocalypse—for one week so far. So far, I’m doing ok. I have enough toilet paper. I’ve just binged Tiger King on Netflix. Life is… well, certainly not good, but it’s… livable, I suppose. Will I progressively get more and more bleak as time goes on? Probably! Let’s begin with the bleakest thing of all: this godforsaken show.

At least we can rejoice over one thing: Jax and Brittany’s wedding is over, and hopefully with it, everyone’s ass-kissing parade. I cannot take any more of it.

The episode begins with Jax carrying Brittany over the threshold of their house, after Brittany’s insistence that he do it. This feels like an accurate metaphor for their marriage.

Schwartz is having a memorial party for his 3-week-old lizard, and this is the focus of the episode. Damn, just when I thought things couldn’t be any more bleak. But who am I kidding, a memorial for a lizard? After quarantine, I’ll be throwing memorials for like, the ant I stepped on on the street by accident, just for an excuse to see people.

Max tells Schwartz he’s going to blacklist Danica from TomTom for… talking sh*t. This dude is so petty that he is going to ban some girl from a restaurant he doesn’t even own just because of she’s said a few less-than-desirable things about him? Ok.

Jax and Brittany are reminiscing about their wedding, and Jax literally thinks a Powerpoint is this:


How long do you think Jax will hold the cost of the wedding (that he probably did not pay for in full) over Brittany’s head? I wager the entire duration of their marriage.

The one upside of this dumb-ass lizard funeral is that it’s clearly a good excuse to get the whole cast drunk so they can act stupid and dramatic. Schwartz claims that Daug was depressed because he was lethargic and slept a lot. Am I the only one who worries that the lizard was sick and it never occurred to Schwartz to take him to the vet? You’re right, I’m taking this way too seriously.

Jax and Brittany go to visit Lisa, and two things make me seriously scared: one, Brittany uses the word “spray and pray” to describe her (lack of) birth control method, and two, there is a very awkward and prolonged mishap where Lisa is convinced Brittany is pregnant. *Crosses self* not yet.

Back at the funeral party, Danica pulls Max aside and they both play this game of “who’s talking sh*t”.

Max and Danica accusing each other of talking sh*t:Spider Man Pointing Meme

Max admits he’s a petty bitch and was never going to tell Danica she was banned from TomTom, but rather, was intending to wait for her to try to come in so he could have the pleasure of kicking her out. Forget about Scheana, is he 17 or 27?

While Schwartz initially gives Max a blank check to kick out Danica, upon like, 10 seconds of probing, Sandoval discovers that Max’s reasons for banning Danica are 90% personal. Sandoval tells him that’s not okay, and they all vow to not let this happen “again”, as if they’ve already murdered Danica and it’s too late to bring her back to life, and not just fake banned her from a restaurant that they could easily just undo with one conversation or like, a single text.

Over on the other side of the pool, Scheana “notices” that Kristen is not there. Stassi says that her issues with Kristen are not about Carter, even though they started with Carter. 

So.. you’re saying… it’s not about the Carter? Bet. Recap title: acquired.

Kristen feels that Katie is unhappy in her life and projecting her unhappiness onto Kristen. I would use the Spider-Man meme again to describe Katie and Kristen, both two insufferably miserable people, calling the other miserable. But instead I’ll just give you the mental image.

Kristen’s also mad that she’s doing everything for their wine company herself. This is an excellent argument because I see both sides, and they’re both equally wrong. On the one hand, what is Katie doing now that she’s not even pretending to push her wine MLM or her fake beauty blog? Nothing. On the other hand, Katie’s a billion percent right that Kristen just rips sh*t she sees on the internet and screen prints it on a shirt and acts like she has a business idea so novel, every shark on Shark Tank would go in on it. Ahh, we’re finally back to the good old days when I hated everyone. Thank goodness for small miracles.

Now Dayna is all but groveling to get back with Max. He doesn’t take the bait, probably because he knows it’s only a matter of time before he gets exposed with undeniable proof for the last shady thing he did last week.

Sandoval’s throwing a “your most extra self” themed party, which is Sandoval’s existence in a nutshell. I can’t wait to see what he comes up with. 

Lala and Raquel meet at some cafe to have “girl talk”, and I’m honestly scared for how this is going to go with Lala and her head scarf and hoops. She got the big hoops on, which means the big hoop attitude may come out. *Takes deep, calming breaths*

This exchange is so funny to me, and also so real.

Raquel: Before we go any further I just want to make sure you don’t actually think I’m dumb.
Lala: My time means so much to me and I wouldn’t waste it on someone who I think is a true idiot.
Raquel: That means so much to me Lala.

“Not a true idiot” will be my new go-to compliment.

James shows up to Lisa’s place to talk.

Actual footage of Lisa this whole time:


James tells Lisa that he went to his first AA meeting the day before. I’m actually kind of impressed that they didn’t get this on camera. Maybe he really is serious? We can only hope.

James is crying, over at the cafe, Lala is crying, I’m f*cking crying, but you know what? I’m not even mad because at least I’m not crying over the current state of the world.

Brittany and Jax got a marriage license, so at least they have one up on Katie and Schwartz. Jax is bemoaning why he has to be “extra” for Sandoval’s birthday, as if his wedding last weekend wasn’t the most extra affair in all of history. Buck up and put on some eyeliner, for f*ck’s sake.

I don’t love that Scheana immediately ran to Kristen to tell her that Katie sh*t talked her T-shirt line. But I also kind of do love that Scheana is not even trying to ally herself with Katie and Stassi anymore. She’s only tried that for like, what, the past eight years? 

The costumes for Sandoval’s party are f*cking great, with Katie dressing up as her talking heads look (a yikes), Charli dressing up as herself (annoying, and a yikes), Jax dressing up as an old curmudgeon (so, himself). Gotta say, for an extra themed party, I really thought Sandoval’s outfits would involve a lot more glitter.

Apparently Lala heard that James went to a friend’s birthday party (remember, the one from last week he claimed he wasn’t drinking at because he was driving, as if DUIs are not a thing?), and everyone was f*cked up there. 

Well, here’s a portion of Memory Lane I never thought we’d go back down: Logan lying that he made up having hooked up with James. Apparently, Raquel is the only person who does not think this for sure happened. She tells Lala to shut the f*ck up (bad move), but sober Lala actually… takes it in stride instead of completely flying off the handle and verbally “popping” Raquel. Damn, she really has changed. I am actually proud! 

Kristen comes up to Katie and Stassi at the party to ask if they are still doing the wine business together even if they’re no longer friends (sad, you can tell she was really hoping for reassurance that they are still, in fact, friends), and Stassi says that she’s going to work out the remainder of the wine contract, and then she’s out. Way harsh, Tai. Now Kristen is basically beside herself but Stassi and Katie are fresh out of f*cks to give and are not even bothering to pretend to console her.

Damn, Kristen sucks, but does she deserve this? To be told by her former best friends that not only are they not sisters, they don’t even know her any more? How quickly ye forget, the bringer of season 2 drama, the procurer of Miami Girl, the f*cker of Jax! I really hope Kristen gets over her “woe is me” phase and goes full psycho Kristen on these two. That would for sure cement her future on the show.

Images: Bravo; Giphy