Valentine’s Day is coming up, and with it comes the insurmountable pressure of doing something but not something that’s too something that would terrify someone so they run away screaming from you and then you die alone with a bunch of cats. That later eat your corpse. Just me then?
Like, obviously we all want to have some kind of plan for Valentine’s Day besides watching Bridget Jones’s Diary for the 40th time and eating all the chocolate your mom sent in one sitting. But depending on how long you’ve been dating, you don’t want to put too much pressure on the situation. So what should you do with your significant other, or your not-yet-significant other, on Valentine’s Day? We figured it out. Here’s what you should do based on how long you’ve been seeing each other.
Less Than 1 Month
Congratulations, you met someone you really like recently and have been on a couple dates. Good for you! It’s exciting and you want to hang out with them more, but Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and you don’t know how to handle it. At this stage? Don’t. It’s way too much pressure to expect someone to come with a fun plan for this day when they barely even know you. Instead, tell them your availability that week and do not include Valentine’s Day at all. If they ask if you have plans that day, then you can figure out something to do, but don’t be the person to bring it up. Sorry, I know it’s 2019 and all, but asking to hang out on Valentine’s Day before you’ve even DTR’d is not going to help your cause of not appearing desperate.
“What are you getting for Valentine’s Day?”
— sarafcarter (@sarafcarter) January 28, 2019
Okay, so you’re a few months in, probably even dating exclusively by now if you’re really into each other. WTF do you do for Valentine’s Day? At this point it’s totally okay to mention that you’d like to do something casual for V Day. Suggest getting tacos or going to a bar that will definitely not have some kind of insane pre-set menu. Spending time together is expected, but you still don’t want to go over the top. If you exchange gifts, make sure they’re small and inexpensive, i.e., a cute baseball cap, not concert tickets for a show half a year away.
6 Months – 1 Year
Now we’re getting into “okay, if you forget V Day you’re dead to me” territory. It’s definitely expected that the ridiculous holiday is acknowledged, but make sure you actually tell the person you are dating that you’re interested in making plans. They may not know you even care about this stupid holiday (which like, I don’t care, but also, you have to celebrate with me). Plan something classic, like dinner at a moderately priced restaurant and maybe even a movie, or just Netflix & chill afterwards. You can also get real presents without fear of looking too invested.
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After a year, you’re fully committed, you hate the way they breathe sometimes, and you can do pretty much whatever you want for Valentine’s Day. This is when it’s appropriate to get nice gifts, flowers, the whole thing, if you’re into it. If you have the cash, it is totally fun to dress up and go to a nice restaurant with the prix fixe menu, especially if you never do that kind of thing. You can also do that whole “purchase sexy lingerie as an added present to keep the romance alive” thing. Literally, it’s whatever.
You’re basically married, you have done the pre-set menus, and let’s be honest: Valentine’s Day is one of the worst days of the year to go out. It’s like New Years Eve—days that are supposed to be fun but end up way too overpriced and crowded. Once you’re really settled in, forget the dinners and expensive menus, and do something casual at home together. Cook a nice dinner, have some wine, and save your cash that would be for presents on booking a trip together later in the year. Valentine’s Day is really so overrated, and once you’ve done it a few times, you guys have a right to be totally over going out.
You when you get the check for the pre-set menu:
If you’ve been dating for 3+ years, then the only thing you should be doing on Valentine’s Day is getting a ring. I’m (mostly) kidding, but you should know enough about your significant other at that point to not be scouring the internet for Valentine’s Day ideas. Just saying!
Images: Jakob Owens / Unsplash; Giphy (3); betches / Instagram
If you’re heading out for a nice dinner with your sort-of-bae-but-doesn’t-know-he’s-my-bae-yet this Valentine’s Day, or you’re going on a first date with a guy your friends found from you on Ship, there are a few things to avoid. Sorry, but “be yourself” really only applies to displaying accurate and recent photos on your dating app profile. Otherwise, dating is a delicate dance where you try to put your best face forward even though you blacked out the night before and are struggling to keep your eyes open—metaphorically speaking of course. So, like I said, there are things you’re going to want to steer clear of on a date. First, don’t bring up anything you’re likely to fight about (politics, religion, watching The Bachelor on Mondays). Second, there are certain foods not to eat on a date. I don’t even mean like, “if I order a burger instead of a salad he’ll think I actually eat to subsist and I can’t have that”—f*ck that. It’s 2019, live your truth. I just mean you might want to avoid some foods that may cause bad breath and/or ruin your outfit.
To save you the work of actually reading through the menu and weighing your options, here’s our list of foods not to eat on a date.
Nothing says “do me” quite like watching your date shove the roasted and sauced bone of a dead animal into their mouth hole. (I know, I’m really fun at parties.) The fact is, there’s no graceful way to eat ribs. Your makeup will be ruined. Your hands will smell like barbecue sauce (not always bad, but, in this case, not amazing). You may end up wearing a bib and getting grease in your hair. Additionally, if you try to be cute and use a fork and knife, you’ll just look like a maniac. There really is just no winning.
Pho can seem like a great idea for a date. It’s inexpensive, it’s super delicious, and it’s amazing to eat when the weather decides to sabotage your life by not being inexplicably warm in the dead of winter. However, trying to navigate a bowl of broth, torn herbs, meat stacks, and long noodles with chopsticks is pretty difficult if you aren’t into the idea of splashing yourself directly in the eyes. How’s it gonna look when you ask him how his giant project at work is going while you fumble to hang on to one godforsaken noodle? If you think you’ll be smart and use a fork and spoon to navigate this Vietnamese delicacy, good luck. It’s still a mess. Plus, there’s the inevitable slurping sounds you’ll be making, which are most likely not cute.
3. Wedge Salads
Sawing through a dinosaur-sized hunk of iceberg (the worst of all lettuces) is gonna do nothing but frustrate you. First of all, there’s no dainty way to eat a wedge salad, what with the bacon flying everywhere, the blue cheese crumbles crumbling down into your crotch (oh no), and the tasteless, water-filled leaves doing nothing for your date but letting him watch you chew. If you’re going to order a salad, just be a normal person and order the kind that comes with the leaves separated. Or you could order something with substance and stop lying to yourself. Either way!
Remember how cute it was when Lady and the Tramp shared that spaghetti then kissed and wandered around without leashes? You’ll never be that cute and you’ll never adorably eat spaghetti. You may think you’ve got it down to a fine art until a rogue noodle jumps up, splashes your nose, and leaves red sauce all over your face and new low-cut dress. The same goes for fettuccine, tagliatelle, or any other long noodle. Opt for more manageable noodles, like penne or bowties.
Hey! Make out with me after I eat this bowl of fermented cabbage dotted with hot chilies and vinegar! Hard pass. Definitely eat this, though, if you’re looking to ward off would-be Valentine’s Day assailants.
Corn likes to hang out in your teeth, gums, beard, and cleavage. If you’re going to eat corn, do it the American way: on the cob and at 4th of July barbecues only. That’s it. Corn is never appropriate for a date. It’s also kind of random, I feel like. What kind of establishment are you patronizing that is serving corn on the cob? I can only think of two options: a steak house and KFC, both equally inappropriate for a first date.
Garlic may be an aphrodisiac, but unless you and your date are both eating a metric ton of it, it’s not gonna do sh*t, so don’t be that person. It’ll not only stick up your breath, it’ll seep through your pores, into your clothes, and wiggle its way out of your very being over the next day or two.
8. Anything Using Raw Onion
I’d venture to say that nothing, nothing, NOTHING smells worse than someone who’s just eaten a sandwich full of raw red onion. Not to mention, if you even came within an inch of touching the onion, that smell is going to linger on your fingers for the next 40 days and 40 nights. It’s a no from me. And it’s gonna be a big no from your date.
As a wise random person I follow on Twitter once said, dating is figuring out more information about a person until you realize you don’t like them anymore. So don’t do yourself a disservice by ordering one of these foods not to eat on a date and putting your date off forever—just wait for your personality to do that! Kidding. Sort of.
Images: Giphy (4)
Brace yourself, betches, because Valentine’s Day is coming up and with it the most annoying social media posts since the #100HappyDays challenge. There’s nothing worse than couples posting about their love, especially because we all know the more relationship photos you see someone post, the shittier their relationship actually is. To prep you for the flurry of #bae posts, here’s our list of the corniest shit you’ll see on social media this Feb 14th. Sorry, but your love is not original.
1. Candlelit Dinner For Two On Instagram
Oh wow, so your Valentine’s Day plans consisted of reenacting every 90’s pop song about love? I mean, if you’re going to do this we won’t judge (that’s a lie), but posting it on Insta like we’re supposed to swoon over your relationship is corny as hell. #Boring #YouBarelyTried #HalfOfYourDinnerWasSpentThinkingOfaGoodHashtag
2. A Super Long Post On Facebook About Your #Bae Detailing All The Times He’s “Been There” For You
It usually starts something like “Okay, normally I don’t post things like this, but I want to talk about someone truly special to me.” And then it goes on, and on, and on… If you read the subtext in here there’s usually a fuck you to an ex masqueraded as a “I thought I could never love again, but he showed me that there ARE good guys out there”. Too bad I don’t have someone special to hold my hair back while I vomit.
3. Going To See Some Hard-To-Get-Into Show Or Concert
Posting a photo from the front row at Hamilton with your boo. Wow, how lucky of you to find someone who enjoys the same things as you, and by same things we mean one of the most popular shows ever. Now, if you were both enjoying a Guy Fieri restaurant together, we’d be surprised, because we don’t know anybody who likes that.
4. Posting A “Dear _____” On His Wall Like You’re Talking Only to Him.
Unless the person you’re dating is only accessible via Facebook wall, which um, we hate to break it to you but you’re probably not even really dating, then any “Dear ___” post is so obviously there for your friends to read it that it’s thirsty AF. If you really wanted to let him know how you feel, you’d probably tell him in person, or text, or I mean, even email is more private than a Facebook post. Much like public Facebook eulogies to your late Grandpa, this type of post is best expressed in private.
5. Posting A Galentine’s Girls Pic
We get it, you’re an independent woman and you don’t need a bro. Here’s a tip, the louder you say “I’m fine” the less people will believe you. Plenty of betches are single and killin’ it, but dragging your girls night out through the social media sphere for your exes to see is sadder than that Sarah McLaughlin commercial with the puppies.
6. A Photo Of Something “Artistic”, Like You Two Holding Hands
A post of hands touching, or just your knees, or something equally nauseating belongs in a sixth grader’s Tumblr and nowhere else.
7. Baby Photos Of Each Other
When a couple posts baby photos of each other, what they’re really saying is, “I’m having sex with this person who used to be this baby.” It’s deeply uncomfortable for everyone else on social media. We get that you think they’re adorable and maybe you’re even trying to not-so-subtly hint at getting married and having babies together one day, but ugh. Please don’t make us think of you two babies making out.
8. A Clearly Staged Photo Of Two People Making Out Or Looking Into Each Other’s Eyes
Unless you’re Beyoncé with a camera crew following you around to document your life for your fans, there’s no way that photo of you two looking deep into each other’s eyes was candid. When has anyone ever stopped in the middle of a truly intimate moment and thought, “WAIT, we need to get this on camera!” Never, that’s the answer.
9. Song Lyrics Coupled With Anything.
Are you “drunk in love” or is this “hands down the best night I can ever remember”? Your love is so original you needed to appropriate a pop song to describe it to others on your social media feed. This is the definition of corny.
10. Telling Social Media You Love Each Other Before Telling Each Other
If the first time you’re saying “I love you” to each other is for likes, that’s corny. What’s that wedding going to look like? Live streamed on Facebook?
Whether you’re taken or #foreveralone, there’s no ignoring Valentine’s Day. Especially now that Kylie is launching an entire Lip Kit collection dedicated to it. If you’re not treating your S.O., this is the perfect time to treat yo’ self. I’m saving you the time and effort of where to look for a quick and easy VDay gift by laying it all out here, or you could just order Edible Arrangements like a fucking loser.
1. COSA CUFFS
Created by a young betch, Cosa Cuffs are a new take on an old classic: the charm bracelet. The cuff is composed of 14K gold-plated brass and enamel. If you’re like any normal person ever, you hate when your bracelets are loud as fuck and get in the way of everything. How am I supposed to casually play with my hair while my bangles are creating the soundtrack to a war movie? Cuffs stay right where they belong, and what’s even more amazing is that they can be customized with “Jigs”. “Jigs” are short for “thingamajigs” and they’re these super chic and adorable magnetic charms you snap onto your cuff. You can buy as many as you want and constantly interchange them depending on your mood, which we all know changes faster than an avocado goes bad. Speaking of avocado, that’s one of the “Jigs”, so yeah, this shit speaks to us.
Cosa is offering a 20% discount code to betches only when you use (obvi) the code “betches”
This is a one-stop shop for both bros and betches to find the perfect gift. Seavees is king of the casual sneaker, and what says “I love you” better than a metallic slip-on? Actually though, if you’re trying to prove to your S.O. that you’re down to earth and shit, Seavees is partnered with 1% For The Planet and donates a percentage of every dollar spent on these sneaks to keeping California shores preserved. I know what you East Coast betches are thinking, California is fucked no matter what, but you can at least pretend to give a shit and look chic while doing it. I’ve honestly never seen so many perfect styles of a casual sneaker in one simple spot before, so fair warning, you may check out of there with like 5 pairs but whatevs.
Idk about you, but I think shopping for ties is legit fun. Like, I wish it was an item of clothing I could shop for for myself. But since I’m not Avril Lavigne, I’ll settle to shop for ties for my boyfriend. Johnnie-O ties are really nice to look at. They’re like a West Coast Vineyard Vines but less obnoxious. If you want to play up your boy toy’s wardrobe with something that he is guaranteed to like and wear, this is it.
Another guaranteed winner from Johnnie are his weekender bags/toiletry bag. I can already see myself gifting the Daytripper Carry All Bag and then stealing it back. Win, win. Also a great way to hint that you’re in need of a vacation.
4. SOKO GLAM: ETUDE HOUSE
If you couldn’t tell, we’re obsessed with Korean beauty & skincare. In our last gift guide, we mentioned our fav outlet for all things K Beauty, Soko Glam. They have a really exciting new addition to their site, Etude House. Etude House is a cult favorite Korean makeup brand that is specially curated by Soko Glam in the US! They’re known for their viral makeup products that are innovative, fun, super easy to use and affordable. They have everything from brow tint gel to strawberry sponge hair curlers. It’s all really damn cute and essential and if you want to feel like you’re getting or giving a special gift from abroad, this is perfect.
Our collection with JustFab just keeps getting fabber and fabber, tbh. They have two of the most perfect items right now that are super cute and keep within the theme of the holiday. Their Dage bag in oxblood is the perfect size, plus if you’re lamenting instead of celebrating, oxblood is a pretty gory color name that is perfect to express how you feel. And then we have the adorable Bernadette slip-on loafers in blush. They’re a boss-ass bitch’s perfect accessory to an all-black outfit and are guaranteed to bring in the compliments at work (as if you need any more).
6. SHOP BETCHES
Shop Betches has all new Valentine’s Cards that you absolutely need. You’re not going to find shit that speaks to you on this same level in the Hallmark section, so do your significant other/friends/fuckboy a favor and spill your heart out on one of these.