Valentine’s Day is coming up, and with it comes the insurmountable pressure of doing something but not something that’s too something that would terrify someone so they run away screaming from you and then you die alone with a bunch of cats. That later eat your corpse. Just me then?

Like, obviously we all want to have some kind of plan for Valentine’s Day besides watching Bridget Jones’s Diary for the 40th time and eating all the chocolate your mom sent in one sitting. But depending on how long you’ve been dating, you don’t want to put too much pressure on the situation. So what should you do with your significant other, or your not-yet-significant other, on Valentine’s Day? We figured it out. Here’s what you should do based on how long you’ve been seeing each other.

Less Than 1 Month

Congratulations, you met someone you really like recently and have been on a couple dates. Good for you! It’s exciting and you want to hang out with them more, but Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and you don’t know how to handle it. At this stage? Don’t. It’s way too much pressure to expect someone to come with a fun plan for this day when they barely even know you. Instead, tell them your availability that week and do not include Valentine’s Day at all. If they ask if you have plans that day, then you can figure out something to do, but don’t be the person to bring it up. Sorry, I know it’s 2019 and all, but asking to hang out on Valentine’s Day before you’ve even DTR’d is not going to help your cause of not appearing desperate.

“What are you getting for Valentine’s Day?”
Me: ghosted

— sarafcarter (@sarafcarter) January 28, 2019

3-4 Months

Okay, so you’re a few months in, probably even dating exclusively by now if you’re really into each other. WTF do you do for Valentine’s Day? At this point it’s totally okay to mention that you’d like to do something casual for V Day. Suggest getting tacos or going to a bar that will definitely not have some kind of insane pre-set menu. Spending time together is expected, but you still don’t want to go over the top. If you exchange gifts, make sure they’re small and inexpensive, i.e., a cute baseball cap, not concert tickets for a show half a year away.

6 Months – 1 Year

Now we’re getting into “okay, if you forget V Day you’re dead to me” territory. It’s definitely expected that the ridiculous holiday is acknowledged, but make sure you actually tell the person you are dating that you’re interested in making plans. They may not know you even care about this stupid holiday (which like, I don’t care, but also, you have to celebrate with me). Plan something classic, like dinner at a moderately priced restaurant and maybe even a movie, or just Netflix & chill afterwards. You can also get real presents without fear of looking too invested.

 

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Who wants to do this? @haydenhintz

A post shared by Betches (@betches) on Feb 9, 2019 at 2:36pm PST

1-2 Years

After a year, you’re fully committed, you hate the way they breathe sometimes, and you can do pretty much whatever you want for Valentine’s Day. This is when it’s appropriate to get nice gifts, flowers, the whole thing, if you’re into it. If you have the cash, it is totally fun to dress up and go to a nice restaurant with the prix fixe menu, especially if you never do that kind of thing. You can also do that whole “purchase sexy lingerie as an added present to keep the romance alive” thing. Literally, it’s whatever.

2+ Years

You’re basically married, you have done the pre-set menus, and let’s be honest: Valentine’s Day is one of the worst days of the year to go out. It’s like New Years Eve—days that are supposed to be fun but end up way too overpriced and crowded. Once you’re really settled in, forget the dinners and expensive menus, and do something casual at home together. Cook a nice dinner, have some wine, and save your cash that would be for presents on booking a trip together later in the year. Valentine’s Day is really so overrated, and once you’ve done it a few times, you guys have a right to be totally over going out.

You when you get the check for the pre-set menu:

If you’ve been dating for 3+ years, then the only thing you should be doing on Valentine’s Day is getting a ring. I’m (mostly) kidding, but you should know enough about your significant other at that point to not be scouring the internet for Valentine’s Day ideas. Just saying!

Images: Jakob Owens / Unsplash; Giphy (3); betches / Instagram

It’s Singles Awareness Day (vom), and what better way to celebrate than with a dessert-alcohol hybrid? We adapted this recipe by a) making it less fucking work and b) making it slightly more alcoholic.

Also, brownies always have all the fun, and the idea of more chocolate right after Valentine’s Day was making us vom. So, we opted for blondies—our favorite butter and sugar combo. Just add whiskey for a super awesome evening date with some sweatpants and hard alcohol.

Ingredients

• 2 sticks of butter, room temperature — YES REALLY OMFG.
• 1½ cups dark brown sugar
• ½ cup granulated sugar
• 2 eggs
• 1/3 cup of Larceny or Maker’s Mark whiskey — PLZ don’t use Jack Daniels because ew, you guys
• 2 tsps. vanilla
• 1 ½ cups all-purpose flour
• ½ teaspoon salt
• ¾ cup candied nuts — we used candied walnuts which we found at a fancy store

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees and while that shit heats, spray an 8×8 pan with Pam. 

Grab a skillet and add the butter, stirring constantly—i.e. try not to be distracted—over medium heat or until it sorta browns and smells nutty. Take off the heat and let cool a bit.

In a giant bowl, cream the butter and sugars together until light and fluffy, then add the eggs, whiskey, and vanilla and mix.

In a totally different bowl, mix together the flour and salt, then slowly pour that shit into the butter and sugar mixture. You want this shit to come together, but like, don’t overmix it. Kinda like your love life. Anyway, fold in the candied nuts and pour the batter into your greased baking pan.

Bake for about 25-30 minutes, or until a knife inserted toward the center comes out clean. Let this shit sit for a bit and think about what’s it’s going to do to you, then transfer to a wire rack to continue cooling.

Feel free to pour on a little extra whiskey because like who the fuck cares, honestly. Cut or eat with a spoon out of the pan. We aren’t judging

It’s Taco Tuesday—I mean, Valentine’s Day—and while your only valentines are your mom and Team Snapchat, there are a bunch of happy people around you who can’t stop reminding you that they’re in fulfilling relationships. Barf. So what’s a single betch to do on Valentine’s Day? Do you organize Galentine’s Day for you and your besties? How about buy yourself 16 pints of Ben & Jerry’s and cry yourself to sleep? Take a fire Snapchat selfie and caption it “Happy Singles Awareness Day”? NO. Do none of those things, floser.

Remember that Valentine’s Day is just another fucking day of the year, and tomorrow you won’t have to worry about it for 364 more days, so don’t do anything embarrassing that’s going to cause you to do damage control tomorrow. Being single on Valentine’s Day isn’t embarrassing; drunk texting your ex and having to apologize the next day certainly is. So we’ve compiled a handy video on how to celebrate Valentine’s Day when you’re single without losing your dignity. You’re so lucky to have us. 

For more love advice buy our book, I Had A Nice Time And Other Lies: How To Find Love And Sh*t Like That.

Valentine’s Day aka Singles Awareness Day is here, and if you’re feeling anxiety over having to watch couples kiss while getting your latte in the morning, we’ve got you covered. If watching disgusting displays of love isn’t your thing, because honestly whose is it really, just avoid doing any of the following this today and you’ll be good.

1. Going To A Speakeasy

Any bar that is remotely classy or cute is not where you want to be on Valentine’s Day. Basically if the bartender calls him/herself a mixologist—or worse, artist—you should avoid it at all costs. Go drink somewhere as unimpressive as possible.

2. Ice Skating Or A Wintery Romantic Activity

Sorry, but who goes ice skating on a Tuesday evening anyway? You probably won’t have much problem avoiding this, but stay away from any activity that could be a date from an Archie comic.

3. Going Out To Dinner Literally Anywhere

If you go out to eat anywhere but your mom’s house, you’re literally going to be miserable and surrounded by couples. Yes, even Chipotle, because even fuckboys gotta celebrate Valentine’s Day.

4. Looking At Your Ex’s Social Media

This isn’t 50 Shades of Grey, there’s no need to torture yourself. Put down the Instagram and make yourself a cocktail (not alone, though—we’ll get to that in a sec).

5. Going To See 50 Shades Darker

Speaking of 50 Shades, stay away from the movie theater altogether on Valentine’s Day. Especially this movie glorifying an abusive relationship. You might start missing the fuckboys of your past and forget they were literally the worst.

6. Going To The Mall

You might think the mall is a safe space where you can retail therapy your way to peace, but you are wrong. The mall is the worst place to be on Valentine’s Day because every store will find a way to promote the shit out of the holiday to get you to buy stuff. Even a shoe store is going to find a way to make their sneakers about love.

7. Swiping On Dating Apps

It’s like how getting a match at 2am lets you know the person is shady AF: If you match with a bro on Tinder on Valentine’s Day, you’ll just look like you were swiping through your heartbreak…because you are. Answering messages on Valentine’s Day is probably fine, but avoid swiping for new matches or you’ll just look thirsty AF.

8. Going Through Your Old Relationship Photos And Wondering What You Did Wrong

When a relationship ends, it means you dodged a bullet, almost every time. It’s easy to look at old photos and think you had things better, but the truth is if it ended it was never going to last to begin with. Logic. Plus, your ex probably sucked, which is why he’s your ex.

9. Drinking By Yourself

You might think it’s cute to pour yourself a glass of Chardonnay and watch 13 Going on 30 in the fuzzy socks your mom sent in your Valentine’s Day care package, but three glasses in you’re just going to realize you made a terrible mistake. If you’re going to drink, drink with friends. That way, it’s not technically considered alcoholism.

10. Getting A Present For Your Casual Hookup

Valentine’s Day is for couples that have exhausted all their excitement and need a lame holiday to pretend they’re still in love. If you’re just falling in love or dating someone casually, put the candy hearts down. There’s no reason you can’t go on a date or hook up on Valentine’s Day, but don’t spend a dime on someone that isn’t going to take you as a plus one to their best friend’s wedding. 

Related: 17 Thoughts You Have When You’re Single On Valentine’s Day

Brace yourself, betches, because Valentine’s Day is coming up and with it the most annoying social media posts since the #100HappyDays challenge. There’s nothing worse than couples posting about their love, especially because we all know the more relationship photos you see someone post, the shittier their relationship actually is. To prep you for the flurry of #bae posts, here’s our list of the corniest shit you’ll see on social media this Feb 14th. Sorry, but your love is not original.

1. Candlelit Dinner For Two On Instagram

Oh wow, so your Valentine’s Day plans consisted of reenacting every 90’s pop song about love? I mean, if you’re going to do this we won’t judge (that’s a lie), but posting it on Insta like we’re supposed to swoon over your relationship is corny as hell. #Boring #YouBarelyTried #HalfOfYourDinnerWasSpentThinkingOfaGoodHashtag

2. A Super Long Post On Facebook About Your #Bae Detailing All The Times He’s “Been There” For You

It usually starts something like “Okay, normally I don’t post things like this, but I want to talk about someone truly special to me.” And then it goes on, and on, and on… If you read the subtext in here there’s usually a fuck you to an ex masqueraded as a “I thought I could never love again, but he showed me that there ARE good guys out there”. Too bad I don’t have someone special to hold my hair back while I vomit.

3. Going To See Some Hard-To-Get-Into Show Or Concert

Posting a photo from the front row at Hamilton with your boo. Wow, how lucky of you to find someone who enjoys the same things as you, and by same things we mean one of the most popular shows ever. Now, if you were both enjoying a Guy Fieri restaurant together, we’d be surprised, because we don’t know anybody who likes that.

4. Posting A “Dear _____” On His Wall Like You’re Talking Only to Him.

Unless the person you’re dating is only accessible via Facebook wall, which um, we hate to break it to you but you’re probably not even really dating, then any “Dear ___” post is so obviously there for your friends to read it that it’s thirsty AF. If you really wanted to let him know how you feel, you’d probably tell him in person, or text, or I mean, even email is more private than a Facebook post. Much like public Facebook eulogies to your late Grandpa, this type of post is best expressed in private.

5. Posting A Galentine’s Girls Pic

We get it, you’re an independent woman and you don’t need a bro. Here’s a tip, the louder you say “I’m fine” the less people will believe you. Plenty of betches are single and killin’ it, but dragging your girls night out through the social media sphere for your exes to see is sadder than that Sarah McLaughlin commercial with the puppies.

6. A Photo Of Something “Artistic”, Like You Two Holding Hands

A post of hands touching, or just your knees, or something equally nauseating belongs in a sixth grader’s Tumblr and nowhere else.

7. Baby Photos Of Each Other

When a couple posts baby photos of each other, what they’re really saying is, “I’m having sex with this person who used to be this baby.” It’s deeply uncomfortable for everyone else on social media. We get that you think they’re adorable and maybe you’re even trying to not-so-subtly hint at getting married and having babies together one day, but ugh. Please don’t make us think of you two babies making out.

8. A Clearly Staged Photo Of Two People Making Out Or Looking Into Each Other’s Eyes

Unless you’re Beyoncé with a camera crew following you around to document your life for your fans, there’s no way that photo of you two looking deep into each other’s eyes was candid. When has anyone ever stopped in the middle of a truly intimate moment and thought, “WAIT, we need to get this on camera!” Never, that’s the answer.

9. Song Lyrics Coupled With Anything.

Are you “drunk in love” or is this “hands down the best night I can ever remember”? Your love is so original you needed to appropriate a pop song to describe it to others on your social media feed. This is the definition of corny.

10. Telling Social Media You Love Each Other Before Telling Each Other

If the first time you’re saying “I love you” to each other is for likes, that’s corny. What’s that wedding going to look like? Live streamed on Facebook?

Cutting back on sugar is one of those healthy promises we make every New Year’s but never actually keep. We didn’t make it through Dry January, we haven’t been getting enough sleep to be properly functioning human beings, and we still eat all the fucking sugar.

With Valentine’s Day approaching and the inevitable sugar rush that comes along with it, let’s all vow to lay off the sweets before your doorman starts showering you with Hersey’s Kisses every time you walk through the door. We did some research to get started and we want to share what we found. Here are some tips to help kill your sugar cravings:

1. Have A Real Breakfast

We have some news for you: Iced coffee is not breakfast. Half of a Kind Bar is not breakfast. A stick of gum and a Diet Snapple is not breakfast. It’s been proven time and time again that by eating a filling breakfast of protein, fats, and fiber, you’ll be less likely to have sugar cravings throughout the day.  Plus, by starting your day off feeling satisfied, you’ll be less likely to get ravinous at around 3pm and devour the entire jar of Peanut M&M’s sitting on your coworker Debra’s desk.

2. Eat Fermented Foods

Most people don’t realize your gut health has a huge effect on your sugar cravings. By eating fermented foods with good bacteria like kefir, sauerkraut, kimchi, and pickles, the live cultures will help manage any imbalances in your gut and will reduce sugar cravings. People might look at you like you’re a freak and/or Snooki, but if snacking on kimchi keeps us skinny, we’ll start buying this shit in bulk.

3. Skip The Splenda

…and all other artificial sweeteners. It’s pretty enticing to just dump a shit ton of Splenda in everything that tastes bland and healthy, but it turns out there’s a huge downside to calorie-free sweeteners: They make you crave the real shit. There’s a reason you want to inhale a 12-pack of Krispy Kreme donuts after chugging a Diet Coke, and it’s not just because you lack self-control. It’s because you’re drinking 12 ounces of fake sugar that makes you want real sugar. Start cutting down on sweeteners and you’ll crave them less and less over time.

4. Take L-Glutamine Supplements

Betches and L-Glutamine supplements are a better match than Chrissy Teigen and John Legend. These pills complete us, and we’re not getting paid by some supplement company to preach for them like a sketchy Skinny Tea Instagram ad. L-Glutamine has amazing health benefits for your body, and the two main ones are fighting sugar cravings and controlling your gut health and metabolism. Just don’t start posting “It works!” Facebook statuses. 

5. Go The Fuck To Sleep

It seems like sleep is pretty much the answer to all of our problems, and it’s not just because we prefer to nap than to deal with real life shit. It’s been scientifically proven that getting more sleep allows your body to crave healthier foods, while getting less sleep makes your body crave fattening, sugary snacks. Do you think Gwyneth Paltrow gets that glowing skin from binge-watching Stranger Things until 4am? No. And it’s probably not from putting rocks up her vagina either, but that’s a different story. The point is, make sleep a priority (as if we have to tell you twice). It’s called beauty rest for a reason.

Whether you’re taken or #foreveralone, there’s no ignoring Valentine’s Day. Especially now that Kylie is launching an entire Lip Kit collection dedicated to it. If you’re not treating your S.O., this is the perfect time to treat yo’ self. I’m saving you the time and effort of where to look for a quick and easy VDay gift by laying it all out here, or you could just order Edible Arrangements like a fucking loser.

1. COSA CUFFS

Created by a young betch, Cosa Cuffs are a new take on an old classic: the charm bracelet. The cuff is composed of 14K gold-plated brass and enamel. If you’re like any normal person ever, you hate when your bracelets are loud as fuck and get in the way of everything. How am I supposed to casually play with my hair while my bangles are creating the soundtrack to a war movie? Cuffs stay right where they belong, and what’s even more amazing is that they can be customized with “Jigs”. “Jigs” are short for “thingamajigs” and they’re these super chic and adorable magnetic charms you snap onto your cuff.  You can buy as many as you want and constantly interchange them depending on your mood, which we all know changes faster than an avocado goes bad. Speaking of avocado, that’s one of the “Jigs”, so yeah, this shit speaks to us. 

Cosa is offering a 20% discount code to betches only when you use (obvi) the code “betches”

2. SEAVEES

This is a one-stop shop for both bros and betches to find the perfect gift. Seavees is king of the casual sneaker, and what says “I love you” better than a metallic slip-on? Actually though, if you’re trying to prove to your S.O. that you’re down to earth and shit, Seavees is partnered with 1% For The Planet and donates a percentage of every dollar spent on these sneaks to keeping California shores preserved. I know what you East Coast betches are thinking, California is fucked no matter what, but you can at least pretend to give a shit and look chic while doing it. I’ve honestly never seen so many perfect styles of a casual sneaker in one simple spot before, so fair warning, you may check out of there with like 5 pairs but whatevs. 

3. JOHNNIE-O

Idk about you, but I think shopping for ties is legit fun. Like, I wish it was an item of clothing I could shop for for myself. But since I’m not Avril Lavigne, I’ll settle to shop for ties for my boyfriend. Johnnie-O ties are really nice to look at. They’re like a West Coast Vineyard Vines but less obnoxious. If you want to play up your boy toy’s wardrobe with something that he is guaranteed to like and wear, this is it.

Another guaranteed winner from Johnnie are his weekender bags/toiletry bag. I can already see myself gifting the Daytripper Carry All Bag and then stealing it back. Win, win. Also a great way to hint that you’re in need of a vacation. 

4. SOKO GLAM: ETUDE HOUSE

If you couldn’t tell, we’re obsessed with Korean beauty & skincare. In our last gift guide, we mentioned our fav outlet for all things K Beauty, Soko Glam. They have a really exciting new addition to their site, Etude House. Etude House is a cult favorite Korean makeup brand that is specially curated by Soko Glam in the US! They’re known for their viral makeup products that are innovative, fun, super easy to use and affordable. They have everything from brow tint gel to strawberry sponge hair curlers. It’s all really damn cute and essential and if you want to feel like you’re getting or giving a special gift from abroad, this is perfect. 

5. JUSTFAB

Our collection with JustFab just keeps getting fabber and fabber, tbh. They have two of the most perfect items right now that are super cute and keep within the theme of the holiday. Their Dage bag in oxblood is the perfect size, plus if you’re lamenting instead of celebrating, oxblood is a pretty gory color name that is perfect to express how you feel. And then we have the adorable Bernadette slip-on loafers in blush. They’re a boss-ass bitch’s perfect accessory to an all-black outfit and are guaranteed to bring in the compliments at work (as if you need any more). 

6. SHOP BETCHES

Shop Betches has all new Valentine’s Cards that you absolutely need. You’re not going to find shit that speaks to you on this same level in the Hallmark section, so do your significant other/friends/fuckboy a favor and spill your heart out on one of these.