Olympics season is the best because the games are always on at weird hours, which means you get to watch gorgeous, graceful figure skating routines by Adam Rippon on a dive bar TV while you chug vodka cranberries and imagine that the Cardi B song bumping in the background is the actual track he’s skating to. No? That’s just me? Well, I highly recommend trying it sometime, it’s v entertaining.
The most talked about skater on the US team this year is Margot Robbie Adam Rippon, who is competing as the first openly gay American man in the Winter Games. Just this weekend, Skate Bae – as I shall now refer to him – placed third in the Men’s Free Skate and helped propel the US Figure Skating Team to a Bronze medal. Rippon is just as popular for his insane skating skills as he is for his hilarious social media presence, and eyebrows that put Cara Delevingne’s to shame.
When the White House decided to give possessed-orphan-porcelain-doll Mike Pence the honor of leading the US delegation to the opening ceremony, Rippon threw some major shade at the idea of meeting with him before the Games. “You mean Mike Pence,” he scoffed, “the same Mike Pence that funded gay conversion therapy? I’m not buying it.”
Conversion therapy is the completely fucked up idea that homosexuality is an “illness” that can be cured with psychological treatment and, in the most extreme cases, electroshock therapy. Pence has been linked to these ideas for years, especially after a statement was posted on his campaign website calling for funding and resources “directed toward those institutions which provide assistance to those seeking to change their sexual behavior.” Um, newsflash, there’s no such thing as “changing your sexual behavior.” Have you never heard Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way?” Oh wait, you obviously haven’t because you only listen to cassette tapes of Christian Rock until 8pm when Mother* tells you it’s time for bed.
*Casual reminder that Mike Pence calls his wife “Mother” and it’s fucking weird as shit.
Last week, USA Today reported that Pence’s office was so worried about Rippon’s beef with him that they attempted to arrange a private meeting to hash it out. Rippon allegedly kept his word and declined any offer to sit face to face with a man who thinks his gay can be prayed away. Meanwhile, Pence shot down the rumors as “fake news” and said he never reached out to meet with Rippon in the first place.
Pence @ Adam: 
Rippon said he has no interest in meeting with Pence after the Olympics or attending the White House’s official celebration for the athletes after they return home, since competing is his top priority, and trying to convince old white men that gay people are people too is not exactly high on the agenda.
In an interview with ABC News, he remarked, “I personally don’t have anything to say to Mike Pence. I’m very lucky because legislation that he’s pushed hasn’t affected my life at all. I spoke out because there are people out there whose lives have been affected by change that he’s tried to make. I spoke out for them because right now I have a voice and I think it’s really important for me to use it. That’s a conversation for them.” *Rainbow flags wave dramatically. “Fight Song” plays in the distance. Our new hero rises from the rink like an icy gay phoenix*
In the same interview, when asked how he would celebrate his super impressive performances in Pyeongchang, he responded, “I’m going to go to Target and I’m going to get a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc, Oyster Bay, with the twist top, immediately.” He also said that after his routine this weekend, he wanted to ask the judges for a Xanax, so basically this man is all of us, and we must protect him at all costs.
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James Comey, the 90 foot tall (look it up) former FBI director and breakout star of the 2016 election, will be providing testimony to the Senate Intelligence Committee regarding his knowledge of the Trump/Russia connection. We’ve dubbed this the Trump Shit Talking Festival, and it may or may not be the hottest festival of the summer. Featuring performances by Vice Chair Sen. Mark Warner (D-VA), Chairman Sen. Richard Burr, headliner/former FBI Director James Comey, and a potential surprise drop-in from the president himself via Twitter.
It’s gonna be lit. But how lit should we truly expect it to be? Well, based off Comey’s written statement, we might be looking at Rihanna-at-the-Grammys-holding-a-flask levels. So what do you need to know? What do you need to look for? Don’t worry girl. We gotchu.
THE BACKGROUND:
In a statement released yesterday, Comey dished on three separate incidents in which President Trump asked Comey to declare his loyalty to Trump, to stop the investigation into former national security adviser Mike Flynn, and generally just acted like a creepy weirdo. We know this because James Comey kept allllll the receipts via detailed memos, which he wrote immediately after each and every meeting with the president. (NOTE TO SELF: Never, ever become James Comey’s ex. He WILL screenshot everything.) Honestly, as crazy as it sounds, you should just read the whole statement yourself because it’s crazy and only like 7 pages long so basically the same length as your average 2017 political Facebook status.
WHAT TO LOOK FOR:
1. Shade, Shade, And Shade
Despite the fact that he tries to maintain an air of chill, there is no way Comey isn’t totally pissed that Trump fired him. Expect some passive-aggressive digs, some general side-eyeing of Trump’s capabilities as president, and maybe even a “well idk why I was fired but it’s fine I’m great now. Better actually and I love my new boss.”
2. GOP Fuckery
Only 34% of Americans approver of Trump’s “performance” as president (Sidebar: can we really call any of this ‘performance?’ Like, can I say that I took a college-level math class even though I never actually showed up for said class? These are questions I have…), and all 34% of them are Republicans in the Senate (don’t check the numbers on that—I failed college math). Despite the overwhelming, insanely damning evidence against the president, expect the GOP to act like a girlfriend in denial about her boyfriend’s constant cheating and make every excuse. It’s honestly sad, and when they do inevitably realize that Trump is a fuckboy and they’re better off without him, we’ll all be ready with shots and impeachment papers.
3. Some Good News For Trump
While we’re all hoping for The Roast Of President Trump, you can’t forget that this is James Comey we’re dealing with, and James Comey is a tricky bitch. (SEE: 2016 ELECTION) It has been widely reported that Comey will do everything BUT accuse Trump of obstructing justice (low-key the charge that Nixon was avoiding) and that he will corroborate President Trump’s claims that he was not personally under investigation. We’ll probably find out that Trump got these details tattooed on his lower back by Friday.
4. Trump Tweet Storm
The president apparently reserves the right to live-tweet any and everything as he sees fit (honestly, same) so it is hard to imagine we won’t be hearing from the president during the three-hour hearing. I mean, it’s not like he could have anything better to do as president than sit in front of his computer from 10am-1pm. Honestly, I want to roast the president here but it is hard because I have been known to leave my desk for a few hours to shoot off some tweets myself. I mean, I’m not the president, but still.
5. “Lordy”
If Comey’s previous testimonies have taught us anything, it’s that homeboy loves to say the word “lordy.” It’s like like how women in their 20s use “AF.” It can basically be added to any sentence for emphasis. For example, “Lordy my previous misconduct has plunged the U.S. into a mess!” I’d say take a drink for every “lordy” we hear today, but that would probably end in an immediate blackout.
On second thought, that’s exactly what you should do.
6. Me, Staring Into The Sky, Wondering How I’m Supposed To Feel About James Comey
Is James Comey a friend or foe? I truly don’t know. On the one had, this is low-key his fault for writing his dumb letter about Hillary Clinton so close to the election. On the other hand, he’s our best chance at getting President Tweet out of office. Could it be that James Comey is both the problem and the solution? Am I high? I’m high.
Today Donald Trump released his America First budget proposal for 2018 and, Nazi-ish name aside, it’s…extra. Could 2018 be worse than 2017? Will 2017 be worse than 2016? This budget signals that the answer is yes. Most of it is the shit that we’ve all come to expect from President Twitter. Huge increases in defense spending, funds to bill the wall, and a giant financial “fuck you” to things like clean air and poor people (Just be rich already!!!!).
Now before you go all freaking out and trying to snag a husband on Canadian Twitter, you can chill a little bit. Take a Xanax. Calm down. This budget isn’t necessarily what is going to happen, it’s just what Trump wants to see happen. It’s like when you went away to college and told your parents you were going to need another $500 per month for social events and dinners and they countered that buy buying you the slightly more expensive meal plan. All we need to stop this budget from happening is for a couple republicans in Congress to stand up to Trump’s agenda and—oh wait you’re right, we’re totally fucked.
Like most government things, Trump’s actual budget proposal is really long and boring. As if Trump has ever read anything that’s 62 pages long in his life. So, in order to explain something that is boring that we hate, let’s use something that is entertaining that we love—in this instance, the Kardashians.
$52.8 Billion Increase In Defense Spending
Yep, the U.S. military—aka the greatest military force in the world—is going on steroids. Because that’s what the world needs: a roided out America with a reality TV star calling the shots. This would make sense if we were like…in a war. So basically, the US’ entire foreign policy is about to be:
$44.1 Billion Increase In Homeland Security
The Dept. of Homeland Security handles immigration enforcement and counterterrorism, so it make sense that our dear leader has such a boner for them. Given that increased ICE raids already have immigrants cancelling their food stamps for fear Trump will deport them, this one is like, actually pretty…
$1.5 Billion To Build The Fucking Wall
So yeah, Mexico ain’t payin’ for shit. We’re paying for it. Our taxes are going to pay to build a wall along our southern border even though 40% of illegal aliens enter our country via airplane and 58% of illegal immigrants are not from fucking Mexico. So, yeah:
$5.7 Billion In Cuts To The EPA
Take a good look outside your window. Do you see a tree? Savor that tree. Imprint its memory into your mind. That tree, and all others of its kind, might not be around for very much longer. But hey, at least the increase of oil spills that render the ocean unswim-able will prevent tragedies like the following one from ever happening again:
$27.1 Billion In Cuts To The State Department
If increasing military spending by $52 billion didn’t make you think, “hmm sounds like the president wants us to go to war,” then maybe $52 billion in military spending paired with $27 billion in cuts to the State Department—aka diplomacy—might get you there. So yeah, now that their budget is slashed, you can expect all our foreign service professionals to be rolling into Russia like:
$17.9 Billion In Cuts To Department of Agriculture
The Dept. of Agriculture is generally in charge of all the USA’s farm chores. Which might have you thinking:
Yeah, so that’s a Corinne meme and not the Kardashians, but you see why we had to use it.
Anyway, one of the USDA’s most important farm chores is looking at the food that you eat and making sure it’s like, safe and shit. They’re also responsible for making sure that all the amazing shit in your mom’s medicine cabinet actually works and won’t fucking kill you. So start stocking up on the good shit now, and maybe get one of those Pinterest window gardens going now so that you know the strawberries you’re eating are really strawberries and not just playdough in the shape of a strawberry. This is obvi a huge problem because:
Eliminates Funding For 19 Federal Agencies
The biggest “fuck you” to the world in Trump’s budget comes from the complete elimination of funding from 19 federal agencies. But I’m sure these agencies are like…totally useless right? Like, they’re basically the carbs of agencies, and America is trying to get its bikini body. Let’s take a look now at exactly all the empty calories Trump will be eliminating from the American diet. So next time some agency gets all upset about losing funding, Trump can be like:
African Development Foundation: Because Africa is obviously developed at this point. I’ve heard they even have the internet in some cities.
Appalachian Regional Commission: I thought Appalachia was Trump country? Could it be that the president doesn’t GAF about his supporters? Or maybe he’s just like:
Chemical Safety Board: “Chemicals are safe. Period.” — Sean Spicer in two years when the chemicals in wet wipes burn a baby’s face off.
Corporation for National and Community Service: Umm I did enough community service after my underage drinking charge in college, tyvm.
Corporation for Public Broadcasting: Sorry, Big Bird. Try getting a real job, asshole.
Delta Regional Authority: Don’t know what this is. Apparently has to do with “regional economies.” Now regional economies be like:
Denali Commission: Provides job training and other economic development to rural communities. The same rural communities that voted for Trump because they have no jobs? TBD. Either way, they’re lame.
Institute of Museum and Library Sciences: You know this one is because a librarian shushed Trump in sixth grade and he never forgot it.
Inter-American Foundation: Funds development projects in Latin America and the Caribbean. Because like, the Kardashians already went to Cuba. The region is good.
Trade and Development Agency: The USTDA helps “create U.S. jobs through the export of U.S. goods and services” so like…wait…isn’t that Trump’s whole thing? I’m lost.
Legal Services Corporation: Strange considering how many lawyers Trump has needed just in his first 50 days as president.
National Endowment for the Arts: Shoulda listened to my uncle when he told me a Liberal Arts degree wasn’t worth shit.
National Endowment for the Humanities: Again. Should have listened to my uncle.
Neighborhood Reinvestment Corporation: All neighborhood investment will now be done via bake sale.
Northern Border Regional Commission: This one makes sense. What Canadian would try to cross over our border at this point anyway? Any Canadian in the U.S. is almost certainly like:
Overseas Private Investment Corporation: Seems like something he would keep but then again the word “overseas” is in there so…
U.S. Institute for Peace: Truly can’t think of a single reason why this would be necessary.
U.S. Interagency Council on Homelessness: Okay cool so we’re gonna stop helping homeless people now? Okay…
Woodrow Wilson Center for International Scholar: Again, anything with the word “international” must go, even if it is one of the top 10 think tanks in the world.
So, there’s a whole bunch of other shit in this budget, but this article is quickly becoming a novel and given the cuts to arts funding, I’m not writing a fucking book for free, but to sum it all up:
And, for no particular reason, this post has moved you to call your representative in Congress. You can do that here.
