Not gonna lie, the stars are trying to f*ck us over this week. The Sun has squared Uranus and it’s turning everyone into assh*les. (Assh*les…Uranus…Get it??) Time to load up de-stress meditations from the mindfulness app of your choice because this week you’re going to need it. At least Mercury goes out of retrograde on Wednesday. TG for small miracles.
Aries
Maybe you don’t need to keep it quite so 100 this week, Aries. Not saying you shouldn’t speak your mind, but there’s a value to shutting the f*ck up every once in a while, and the stars are aligned for you to put your foot in your mouth if you’re not careful. Maybe try running any angry texts by your one nice friend for he next week or so?
Taurus
People are testing you this week, Taurus, but don’t lose your cool. Before losing your sh*t on a coworker for another meeting that could have been an email, take a breath and think, “do I really need to go apesh*t right now?” If the answer is no, take a moment to scream in the bathroom, then return to work. If the answer is yes, then go awffff queen. You earned it!
Gemini
Typically nothing phases you, Gemini, but not this week. The time for keeping sh*t to yourself is over and it’s finally time to let know how you feel, in the nicest way possible of course. Save the passive-aggressive emails for another day and address any issues you have head-on. Not only will you get what’s bothering you off your chest, but you’ll also get to look mature in the process. Win-win.
Cancer
Red alert! There’s friend drama ahead! Turbulence in your friend group might cause some significant anxiety over the next few days. It’s unfortunate, but at least you know it’s coming. Whatever happens, just remember pre-school rules still apply: use your words, and always maintain your inside voice.
Leo
You’re one of the only signs actually having a good week this week, Leo, so congrats. Probably that birthday month energy. The Sun in your sign has you feeling particularly in need of some adventure and freedom, meaning a little solo journey could be just what you need. As an added bonus, you’ll avoid bad vibes from other signs, who are totally going through it right now. So sad for them.
Virgo
This is it. This is the week where you finally tell that one person who has been annoying the living sh*t out of you that they’ve been annoying the living sh*t out of you. We all knew it would happen eventually. Say what you have to say, but just remember swearing is generally frowned upon on the workplace.
Libra
You’re a ticking time bomb right now, Libra, so get ready to explode. You don’t know on whom, and you don’t know when, but it is going to happen. You can minimize the chance that you’ll go crazy on a loved one by being kind of a hermit this week. Watching Netflix alone is a great way to avoid having too many brunch margs and telling Megan she can’t keep posting pics from her wedding two years ago. You can rejoin society next week when you’re not so volatile.
Scorpio
You’re throwing yourself into your work in a bad way, Scorpio, and it’s starting to show. Remember your friends? Remember your family? When was the last time you talked to your mom? Take a little time this week to reinstate some balance into your work-life balance before you end up like the sad lady at the beginning of a rom-com with a corner office but no one to share it with. A tragedy!
Sagittarius
This week you’re like Beyoncé in 2002: about to break out on your own. It’s time for your very own solo career, whatever that means to you. You might be surprised to find that you enjoy your own company wayyy more than you enjoy 99.9% of other humans. Just make sure you don’t love hanging out with yourself so much you neglect the .01% of people you do actually like.
Capricorn
You’re not one to dive into an activity without a detailed itinerary (remind me to hit you up about planning my bachelorette), but this week you might find yourself needing a little spontaneity. Not saying you have to get in your car and “just drive,” but maybe this week you don’t have to have every moment of every day meticulously planned. Leave some time in your day for some unplanned fun. At the very least, you could end up at some very fun happy hours.
Aquarius
You’re in for some drama in one of your closest relationships this week, Aquarius, so don’t be surprised if you have some novel-length texts in your future. No matter what the drama brings, or who it is with, try to keep in mind that at the end of the day you do really love this person.
Pisces
Tell us how you really feel, Pisces. Woah okay, not that much. You’re on edge this week (Mercury retrograde will do that to ya) but that doesn’t mean you have to take the filter completely off. The filter is there for a reason, and that reason is not getting fired. As an added bonus, you’ve been burning the candle at both ends and that stress is finally catching up with you. Exhaustion due to overwork + general irritability due to Uranus’ placement in the cosmos? Uh yeah, I’d just go ahead and call out sick right now.
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You probably know that Mercury is in retrograde right now (isn’t it always), but that’s actually the least of your concerns. This Wednesday Uranus (lol) moved out of Aries for the first time in seven years and landed squarely in Taurus, meaning sh*t is about to change dramatically for everyone. Ugh. Just when you were getting your life together (kind of). Here’s what the stars have in store for you this weekend.
Aries
What is this feeling? Is it…stability? This week Uranus left your sign and headed into Taurus, meaning your typical Friday night urge to go ham and forget your own name has finally passed. Not saying you’re gonna give up tequila shots entirely, but you’ll definitely be spending less on Uber cleaning fees, and that’s definitely something.
Taurus
You’re typically the person in your friend group who calls the Uber, steals your friend’s phone when she’s about to text a f*ckboy, and holds her hair back when the vodka comes back to get her. Starting this weekend, be ready to switch roles. Crazy-ass Uranus is headed into your sign this weekend, making your normally level-headed sign go batsh*t crazy. Don’t worry. It’ll only be there for the next seven years…
Gemini
Boundaries, Gemini, boundaries. Learn what this word means. Uranus is officially chilling in your twelfth house of “transitions and deep inner healing,” meaning it’s time to reevaluate your relationships with some of your “friends”. Is Meghan actually a bestie, or is she just someone who wants to take advantage of the liberal buddy pass policy at your gym? Also, can you even respect someone who spells Meghan with an h? These are questions you must ask.
Cancer
There’s a new moon in Pisces rn and it’s hitting you with a serious desire to GTFO. Seriously. If you’ve got travel miles, it’s time to use them. (If you don’t, Jennifer Garner seems pretty obsessed the Capital One Venture Rewards Card.) Obviously a last-minute vacay can be kind of a tall order, but if you ignore this desire now then you’re doomed to three more weeks of no vacation like a sad pale Punxsutawney Phil. Don’t be a sad pale Punxatawney Phil.
Leo
The new moon in Pisces is giving you all types of feels, specifically the “I need to know wtf is going on in my relationship” feels. If you and your latest boo are in undefined territory, this is the weekend to either lock it down or let it go. If you are in a committed thing, first of all congrats, second of all, how can you take it to the next level? I’m not saying get married, but I am saying there’s no harm in starting a Pinterest board for centerpieces. That’s just responsible planning.
Virgo
Exciting news for you, Virgo. After seven years of chilling in your house of relationships and f*cking up your entire life, Uranus has moved on. Yep, that’s right. Since the year 2003, Uranus has been sabotaging all of your relationships. You knew it wasn’t your fault. But now you’re free! Take this weekend to advance a current relationship, scope out new prospects, and finally let go of the f*ckboys that were holding you back. Also f*ck Uranus forever, right?
Libra
Initiating slut mode! (Okay, so “sluts” are actually just a construct created by the patriarchy to control women’s sexuality but like, you get what I mean.) Uranus is headed into your house of all things mystical, metaphysical, and erotic for the next seven years, so if you don’t have an IUD…maybe get on that. The stars are literally aligned for you to embark on some crazy, sexy adventures, so embrace it. I mean who doesn’t want to be the Samantha of the group?
Scorpio
Uranus is on the move, and so are you! It’s time to change sh*t up. This is not the weekend to hit up your usual bar, with your usual friends, and order your usual drinks. You’re in the mood for a change, even if that just means getting a different type of cocktail. Even Carrie Bradshaw has started drinking Stellas now. Find a way you can change it up this weekend, or be relegated to a fate worse than death: boredom.
Sagittarius
Awwww Sagittarius what’s wrong? You’re like, hella sensitive right now (thanks, new moon in Pisces). To get through this weekend without a public meltdown, remember the following:
– No, everyone is not mad at you.
– No, everyone is not hanging out without you.
– Sometimes texts come off angry but the sender was actually just on the toilet and typing with one hand.
– No, these feelings do not belong on Insta story.
– Please text your mother.
Capricorn
Luckily for you, Capricorn, this new moon in Pisces is actually having a positive effect on your life (see every other sign’s horoscopes for more info on how this could have played out). You’re in the mood to get sh*t moving in your life, so take some time this weekend to be productive in some form. Just remember that Mercury is in retrograde, so please check and re-check all important emails for typos.
Aquarius
Admit it Aquarius, you’re bored af. Luckily, Uranus is flying all over the place rn, making this weekend the perfect time to shake sh*t up. This is not the weekend for responsible decision-making. This is the weekend for following fun, excitement, and adventure, no matter where that may lead you. Just remember to refrain from using the phrase “Uranus made me do it” when your parents are buying you a return flight from Vegas because you woke up Sunday morning with $-100 in checking.
Pisces
New moon, same you! The new moon in your sign is amplifying all your most-Pisces like tendencies, so don’t be alarmed if you cry at every dog that you see. The new moon is also going to give you some clarity about wtf you’re doing in life (for once), so be sure to take some time to actually write your goals down before the new moon fades and you forget literally everything you wanted to do with your life.
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Heads up, Uranus and Mars are acting insane this week, and they’re turning you into a crazy person. Think twice before making any rash decisions and, for the love of God, run any late night Insta stories by your most levelheaded friend. You’ll be grateful that you did, trust me. Here are your weekly horoscopes for September 17-21.
Aries
Repeat after me: Put. The. Amex. Down. Your mind wants to go on a spending spree this week that your (already maxed out) credit card can’t handle. Resist the urge to hit “proceed to checkout.” Don’t pop into that cute little boutique just to “try stuff on.” And whatever you do, do not—I repeat, do not—even look at Sephora. Nothing good can come of it.
Taurus
Um… there’s no delicate way to put this, Taurus, but you’re horny as hell this week. It’s fine. It’s natural. Just make sure you don’t scare the object of your affections away with this intense thirstiness. There’s nothing wrong with remaining a little mysterious. And, as always, please remember to cut your face out of any nudes before sending.
Gemini
This week you’re at risk of falling for someone’s bullsh*t, so keep on high alert, Gemini. Whether it be the date who had to cancel last minute because his sister’s cat was sick (again), the frenemy who said she only screenshotted your latest snap for “style inspo”, or the coworker who keeps accidentally-on-purpose taking credit for your work, people are testing you this week. Don’t fall for it. Demand to see the receipts. Be that b*tch.
Cancer
Hmmm okay Cancer, are you a mixture of sweet preserves made from fruit that people spread on toast? Because this week you are jelly. (See what I did there?) This week is full of jealousy and suspicion for you, Cancer, so do what you can to limit your Instagram intake. The scroll will absolutely f*ck you up. And when you’re having a hard time not losing your sh*t over Megan from middle school’s beach bod in Mykonos, remember: no one’s life is actually as good as it looks on social media.
Leo
Your hard work is going to pay off this week, Leo, you just have to show the f*ck up. You’re poised for big things to happen with your career, so this is not the time to call out sick or slack off. You want to make sure you’re right in the boss’ face while they’re looking for who to give the next big opportunity to, so pop an Emergen-C and get to work.
Virgo
To cancel plans, or not to cancel plans? That is the question facing you this week, Virgo. On the one hand, you’ve filled your plate with tons of obligations you can’t get out of. On the other hand, you’ve got a strong urge to say “f*ck it!” and cancel everything in favor of a Netflix binge. They key will be finding a balance. Take a good look at your schedule and decide what things have to happen this week, and what can be procrastinated away. You’ll get that binge in, we promise.
Libra
You’re feeling glam this week, Libra, so embrace it. The urge for a personal brand update is strong, so why not give in and treat yo’self to a personal makeover. A blowout, a facial, or just trying out some new hair and makeup tutorials on YouTube could help you to finally feel like your outsides and your fabulous insides are in sync.
Scorpio
You’re antisocial this week, Scorpio, and that’s fine. We all need time to recharge, and you’ve been Queen Bee-ing it socially all month. No wonder you’re exhausted. Do yourself a favor and drop out of those weekend plans now so you can make room in your schedule for what you really want: a face mask and reruns of The Office. Your friends will still be there once the weekend is over, we promise.
Sagittarius
IDK how to say this nicely, Sagittarius, but this week you really need to shut the f*ck up. Your communication skills (which are usually on point, btw) are totally out of whack and it’s probably best if you keep your opinions to yourself (and/or your most sacred group chat). No need to subtweet or post a cryptic Insta Story. Even if you’re right, it’s just not a good look and you’re in no place to articulate your opinions in a normal, non-psycho way. But don’t worry, your killer instincts will be back soon and you can resume talking sh*t.
Capricorn
Good Lord, Capricorn, ever heard of impulse control? Slow down. Take a breath. Download a meditation app and think before you buy/speak/text/post. You’d do well to second-guess literally everything you want to do this week. Do you really need those boots? Should you really text your ex that amazing comeback you just thought of for something he said three years ago? Does your mom really need to hear all the details of that weird hookup you had last weekend? The answer is no. No to all. Try to keep that in mind.
Aquarius
You’re torn between being good to yourself and being good to your friends this week, Aquarius. On the one hand, your best friends is going through her fourth breakup with the same old f*ckboy and this time it seems really serious. On the other hand, if you have to listen to Jessica talk about Brad one more time you might actually kill her. Be honest with yourself about what you can and can’t handle, and try to meet your friend halfway. Meeting up with Jess to swipe through Hinge and find her a new man over coffee: good. Meeting up with Jess to watch her cry for 10 hours then re-draft the same angry text she’s sent Brad 100 times before: bad.
Pisces
Stop focusing on the past, Pisces! This week you’re going to feel tempted to re-hash every argument you’ve had since MTV still played music videos, and it’s going to do you absolutely no good. Should that guy you met at Coachella in 2010 have texted you back? Of course. Should your ex have run it by you before asking out your younger cousin? Definitely. Will it help you to go Facebook and put them all on blast publicly? Absolutely not. It’s time to move on.
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