Everyone does something they don’t realize is annoying AF. And honestly, college only brings out these habits even more (often because alcohol is involved). Living in ignorance can truly be bliss, but we’d all be better off if someone would call us out for our bad habits so we can all stop being so f*cking annoying! Thankfully, I’m here to do just that. Hopefully by the end of this, we’ll all learn to stop stealing people’s booze and get off our goddamn high horses about our majors.
The Obnoxiously Late
Being late to class is one thing, but making a big show out of it is just obnoxious (and a display of your complete lack of self-awareness). Just come in, sit the f*ck down, and make as little noise as possible. You really think everyone wants to hear about your alarm “not going off” and how there were “actually zero parking spots” and all your other bullsh*t excuses? Literally no one cares. And if you think you’re in the clear because you don’t spit out a litany of excuses as you rush to your seat, think again. The performative dumping of your backpack onto your desk, typing aggressively on your laptop, and flipping through your notebook as fast as possible needs to stop, too. We geeeet ittt. You’re late. Tragic. But the dramatic display of trying to prove how stressed you are about it doesn’t make me hate you less, or make you any less late.
The “Busy” Bitches
Oh, you’re taking a full course load, are involved in extracurriculars AND have a job? Crazy how absolutely no one else does. There’s not a single person on the planet who’s ever done as much as you. I bet your schedule rivals that of an influencer during fashion week! *Cue eye roll*
First of all, you’re not the busiest person in the world (or at your school, for that matter) just because you color-code your planner. Secondly, “busy” is not a personality trait or a badge of honor. Literally everyone can tell that when you complain about how you “basically live in the library” or “just have so much going on right now,” you’re not-so-subtly trying to say you think it makes you better than others. Hot take: being busy doesn’t make you important.
The People Who Sh*t-Talk Your Major
Listen, I’m a theatre major, so I know how “useless” and “easy” it seems to all you pre-med and engineering majors. But would YOU like to stay up until 4am figuring out how to attach a life-sized puppet to your body while someone nearly drills a screw into your collarbone!? No? Didn’t think so. Just like I don’t want to spend an entire afternoon staring into a microscope watching cells do…whatever it is cells do. Everyone has different skills and interests, because duh, everyone’s different. Quit sh*tting on everyone else’s major just because it’s different than yours.
The Greedy GroupMe Girl
Dorm GroupMes are totally fair game for sourcing uncommon items, like a vacuum or mouse ears for whatever trashy themed party you’re going to this weekend (but honestly, if you don’t have a pair of animal ears, you’re not prepared for college). But there’s a line. It’s one thing if you need to borrow my clothing iron, but I’m sorry, now you need me to spare you some toothpaste, laundry detergent, and alcohol? The line has to be drawn somewhere. Asking your hall mates for a favor should be a last-resort solution, not your go-to way of avoiding going to the grocery store for the fifth week in a row. No one likes a moocher.
The Devil’s Advocates
Passing along this tweet…
“We were talking about the holocaust in my history class today and this white guy raises his hand and goes, “if I could play the devils advocate?” and my professor said, “no you may not.” And went on lecturing.”
Exactly
— Richard Sugarman (@sugman) November 3, 2019
You know them. You probably hate them. And you dread any time they raise their hand in class. I’m talking about those people who are inclined to disagree with every argument just for “discussion’s sake.” Bull! Sh*t! More often than not, devil’s advocates either have some need to prove they have a ~unique~ way of thinking, or just don’t have the balls to actually admit it’s their real opinion. Instead, they hide behind the pretense that it’s just something someone else might say. Either admit your clearly unpopular opinion is what you really believe, or just shut the f*ck up. Please. Class is miserable enough without your input.
The Venmo Ghost
We all know someone who shows up to every pregame empty handed, and apparently “completely broke” too. They manage to polish off the entire bottle of your favorite alcohol, and leave with the promise they’ll pay you back. Nevertheless, days and even weeks will pass without them completing your Venmo request, and you swear on your fake Gucci belt you’ll never let them get away with it again.
Now, I’m not saying I’ve never forgotten to pay someone back, especially in the old days when Venmo didn’t exist. We’re all probably guilty of forgetting (or blacking out and not even knowing you needed to), but after the third Venmo reminder, you better pay up.
Those Ones Who “Never Sleep”
Now, this is the hill I am prepared to die on. If I hear one more person try to compete to be the one who gets the least amount of sleep, I might do something drastic. You know, like make a TikTok calling them out. I’ve never understood why people think not sleeping is cute or something to be proud of. Congrats, you’re not good at taking care of yourself, I guess? Here’s hoping this is something you just grow out of, but I know people have been doing this since high school and it still hasn’t stopped. When will they learn that lying about how little you’ve slept (because let’s be real guys, everyone who does this is exaggerating) to prove you’re the one who studied the most for an exam doesn’t actually increase the amount that you really studied for that exam? Probably never, tbh. Sad.
Listen, nobody’s perfect. No, not even Gigi Hadid. And college is the perfect time for self-improvement. While we probably can’t completely kick all of our bad habits for good (as much as I wish my roommate would stop throwing her used contacts on the floor… nasty), a little self-awareness can go a long way! If you think you’re the exception and don’t do anything bothersome, just ask your roommate. Chances are they could do an entire Ted Talk ranting about all the annoying sh*t you do.
Images: Eliot Reyna / Unsplash; offcampus / Instagram (2)
Whether you’re a bright-eyed freshman, have switched your major three times so far this semester, or you’re a junior and somehow still not quite sure what you want to study, let me assure you that the major you pick will impact your entire life in a pretty big way. Freshmen especially, listen up: your major also plays a big part in who your friends will be, what your college experience will feel like, and how other students perceive you. Will it matter after you graduate in terms of getting jobs? Not one bit. But it will affect your social life, which is the most important part of college, obviously.
Your major is also extremely important because if you’re gonna be hungover in your 8am, you might as well enjoy the other 200 people in the lecture and have some interest in the class material you’re so desperately trying to retain. For those of us not sitting in that lecture hall (we stop making that mistake after one semester), and eager freshmen alike, here’s what your major says about you.
Accounting And/Or Finance
I hooked up with a guy with this major who freaked out at me when I asked what made his major so hard. Apparently asking him how entering numbers into a spreadsheet qualified as a legitimate course of study wasn’t the most supportive thing to do in that moment, but whatever.
If you’re majoring in Accounting or Finance, you’re probably super ambitious and a douchebag on the side. Honestly, I don’t doubt you’re better at money management than me, so please hit me up if you want to teach me how to save money or if you know what the f*ck a 401(k) is.
Looking into the future, you’re probably super pumped for the Wall Street summer internship your sister’s boyfriend promised to score for you, but spoiler alert: you’re really doing coffee runs and won’t see any daylight, so have fun with that, sweetheart! You’re likely planning on being the betchy version of Jordan Belfort (you know, without all those legal issues and hopefully no quaaludes) but in reality, you’re looking at a sh*t ton of time spent networking with your dad’s friends.
Basically, if you’re delving into a business school major, be prepared to both work and schmooze your ass off each year to get ahead of the rest of your class. Unless of course, you quit after freshman year to become a comm major. No shade.
Economics
It’s bizarre to me that econ majors and business majors have beef. Guess what? You’re all smart, you’re all annoying as hell, and you’re all equally as likely to either fail miserably or become the next Bill Gates!! You watch Bloomberg and read The Wall Street Journal while scrolling through that weird stock app I can’t delete from my iPhone. Obviously, you can also recite the entirety of The Big Short from memory.
I wouldn’t call myself an econ expert, so I’m not really positive how people actually apply their economics degree post-grad. You’re probably planning on going to even more school and becoming a professor or one of those try-hard ~cool~ high school econ teachers or something.
Political Science
Due to the interesting state of America today, these students are multiplying overnight. Poli-sci students tend to fall on opposite ends of the ideological spectrum. Whether sporting MAGA hats with no shame or constantly skipping classes to protest whatever dumb sh*t came out of the White House this week, poli-sci wins as the most entertaining spectator sport.
If you have absolutely zero chill, did Speech and Debate in high school, and enjoy starting sh*t with your friends, this is the perfect major for you! You get a thrill from causing fights after four vodka sodas, especially when the bartender tries charging you $9 for the fifth. Just remember, “God Brad, don’t you realize you’re contributing to capitalist oppression!?” isn’t as good of an argument as you think when you’re slurring your words… especially when the bartender’s name is actually Ryan.
If this is your major, you’re probably planning on going to law school and becoming the next Liz Warren or RBG (good luck). Just remember, we can’t all be Elle Woods, but it doesn’t hurt to try.
Communication
Comm classes are the 21st century version of Noah’s f*cking Ark. Seriously, where else can you find a clueless fifth-year senior, a hungover VSCO girl, and a future Pulitzer Prize winner learning the same thing?
If you’re a comm major, you’re either constantly asking your friend which filter matches your Insta feed aesthetic or talking about the depressing state of journalism today. Comm majors are constantly posting on social media, remain the go-to friend for caption ideas, and daydream of comparisons to Walter Cronkite as you host your own MSNBC (or Fox News) show.
In any case, your parents are paying a sh*t-ton for you to spend four years lazily plagiarizing Wikipedia articles about famous journalists to graduate with a fairly limited amount of hard skills. Congrats.
Philosophy
If you’re uptight, a stoner, and have a bit of a superiority complex, philosophy is the perfect major for you.
When you come home for the holidays and your family asks about school, some of them shake their heads in disappointment, some of them have no further questions, and there’s a good chance your uncle will start an argument with you about Descartes’ theory of the self.
I’m minoring in philosophy and TBH I’m not even really sure what else there is to do with a philosophy degree aside from becoming a professor or marrying rich.
Theatre
literally no one:
musical theater kids: https://t.co/PwPukUbzt5
— sadie (@sadieoleary) November 27, 2018
These are the students you hear belting everything from Phantom of the Opera to Wicked to Mean Girls in the communal bathroom. Theatre kids are basically real-life versions of the cast of Glee (during those awkward seasons that followed them to college).
If you’re overdramatic, kind of narcissistic, and not completely tone-deaf, a theatre major will feel like home. You probably continued taking dance classes and doing community theatre loooong after your friends outgrew their second-grade tutus.
When you aren’t loudly singing in your dorm during midterms (please quiet the f*ck down, practice rooms exist for a reason), you’re inviting your entire Facebook friends list to the event for your upcoming class performance of Guys and Dolls. You’ll most likely move to New York or LA after graduation and spend the foreseeable future in endless auditions. Good luck with that—the whole world’s your stage, betch!
Engineering/Architecture
I know, I know, these majors are actually really different, but they both, like, do math and build a lot of stuff so they’re grouped together in my mind.
The only real interaction I’ve had with an architecture student is the time I wasn’t watching where I was walking and almost knocked their model building over. Architecture and engineering both seem really challenging, and since I’ve never met either type of student, I can only assume they spend even more time studying than pre-med students.
If you’re studying one of these subjects, you probably played with Legos until you were 17 and did really well in subjects like geometry and physics. Since so much of your time is spent studying and building stuff, you’d better hope you can at least tolerate your classmates. From what I’ve heard, engineering and architecture students “like, basically live in lab/studio,” so you have to be cool with becoming a hermit.
Everything I know about architecture is based on Ted Mosby (so I wouldn’t exactly call myself the most credible source on this one), but maybe you’re aspiring to design a skyscraper in NYC one day! We love #betchesinSTEM.
Pre-Med
While this isn’t technically an actual major, it might as well be. I’m not quite sure what pre-med students even learn about or how they do it, but anyone who has enough motivation to make it through a semester (or two) of organic chem is a better person than me.
You probably picked your major after binging Grey’s Anatomy for the first time. If you’re in pre-med, you have to be very patient (lol). You can expect to spend countless hours in labs and in the library. When you finally surface from the black hole of studying to go out, you’ll get stuck with whoever ends up puking, because “med school.” Your friends will probably treat you like f*cking WebMD any time they have a weird sneezing fit and tell you vivid details of alllll of their symptoms when they think they have a UTI.
Pre-med students should look forward to pretty much spending the rest of their young lives in school and residencies before finally starting to make enough money to pull themselves out of student debt.
Nursing
If you’re just as smart as your pre-med friends (but with more people skills) and aren’t into the idea of a decade of school and a ton of student debt, you should consider nursing! You get to take a bunch of science classes, learn all about medicines and the minor difference between them, and in my experience, nurses are a hell of a lot more fun to be around and they get cooler scrubs. Then when you graduate, you get to do a bunch of the same stuff doctors do, only you get way less credit, are paid less, and treated worse! Exciting!
Psychology
Spoiler Alert: Getting a 5 on your AP psych class does NOT mean you’ll automatically be good at college psych, trust me.
If you’re majoring in psychology, you’re probably not into letting your friend use Mercury in Retrograde as a reason to justify hooking up with their ex. It’s more likely that you’ll end up psychoanalyzing how their repressed experiences cause low self-esteem (which is such a buzzkill).
While some people who graduate with a psych major end up doing something totally unrelated, a lot of psych majors are truly doing the Lord’s work and making bank for it. Who else is willing to listen to the problems of bougie millennials and suburban moms whose kids have left for college?
Education
What’s good, future Ms. Frizzle? Education majors often get a bad rap, but we all know that teaching is literally one of the most important professions ever.
Education programs are home to washed-up camp counselors, patient saints, and future trophy wives alike. If you can tolerate anyone from children to pretentious sorority girls, like coloring, and basically own stock in Michael’s and OfficeMax for all the money you spend on school supplies, this is the field for you.
Who knows, you might go on to be a kick-ass teacher and change some lives, Dead Poets Society style. If so, try reeeeally hard not to be one of those assholes who takes a full school year to grade papers because if it’s not abundantly clear by the 15 emails you’ve gotten asking for an update, students hate that sh*t.
There are literally hundreds of majors (and minors) you can choose to study, and this list just scratches the surface. If you’ve somehow gone through the whole course catalog and still don’t vibe with any of the options, your next steps will probably be to either create an individualized major or re-evaluate if college is actually right for you.
No matter what you decide to do with the next four-plus years of your youth, be prepared to spend at least half of that time pushing your body to its absolute limits in every way: hygiene (yes bitch, you do smell after spending three straight nights in the library), coffee intake (“is six espresso shots too many? I have a final tomorrow”), and stress levels, because you’re in for a wild ride. Good luck.
Images: kaboompics/Pixabay; off campus / Instagram (2); sadieoleary / Twitter
Your first college party is an exciting and slightly terrifying experience. Your imagination has probably run wild with what to expect based on what you’ve seen in movies, TV shows, and stories from graduates from your high school who are somehow always still hanging around your basement kickbacks (can you say peaked?). You may be expecting to be in a mansion of a frat house that’s decked out with Euphoria style lighting and decor, but allow me to set the record straight. This will tell you what’s true, what’s overhyped, and what’s just flat-out not gonna happen so you don’t get your precious party dreams crushed.
The Pregame
Expectation: The pregame will be a fun and exciting way to meet new people. You’ll play drinking games, listen to some good music, and take a few too many shots with the girl you just met who is now your new bestie. You’ll have incredible conversations about what you’re excited about in college and exchange numbers with all the new people you just like, click with.
Reality: It’s a complete and total f*cking nightmare unless you’re appropriately buzzed. “Old Town Road” has been played 10 times just in the one hour you’ve been there, someone’s standing on the coffee table trying to teach everyone their favorite TikTok dances, and the punch you paid $10 for tastes like it has maybe one shot in the entire bowl. Your night will go one of two ways: you’ll black out and never make it to the party or you’ll roll up completely sober. Choose wisely.
Your Outfit
Expectation: You look perfect the whole night. The time you spent tearing apart your closet to decide which black top among a sea of black tops you were going to wear, redoing your eyeliner a hundred times, and starting to get ready two hours early to give your hair the perfect beach waves has all paid off. No amount of humidity or dancing could possibly destroy your Insta-worthy look.
Reality: Five minutes after you get to the party, you catch your reflection and your look’s already gone to sh*t. Your makeup has melted and your hair, which was once as sleek and smooth as an influencer’s Facetuned skin, is now a mile high with frizz and chucked up into a messy bun. Oh, and someone spilled their drink on you the moment you stepped in the door. Thankfully you were too drunk to notice. To top it all off, by the end of the night your shoes got destroyed and you lost your jacket, but hey, at least you took pics before you left!
The Actual Party
Expectation: You’ll spend the night dropping it low with your friends while scream-singing your favorite songs, impress everyone with how unexpectedly good at beer pong you are, and miraculously wake up without a hangover despite out-drinking everyone else. You’ll be the undeniable life of the party and your plan to totally kill it at this ~college thing~ will go off without a hitch.
Reality: You’re going to spend more time trying to find a bathroom that isn’t totally disgusting to pee in and looking for your friends who somehow disappear every five minutes than you will socializing and dancing. After a while you’ll settle on peeing outside and accept that you’re friends are probably dead now, but honestly, the three minutes you’ll lose your sh*t while “Stacy’s Mom” is on are totally worth it.
Your New Obsession Crush
Expectation: You’re going to meet the love of your life. You spot each other across the room the moment you walk in and he somehow only has eyes for you. The crowd parts as you move in slow motion to meet each other. The music playing in the background somehow matches the moment perfectly. Everything is so perfect, it’s almost as if it was cut together by the editors of The Bachelor.
Reality: You spend almost an hour on the porch talking to some dude wearing a half-buttoned Hawaiian shirt (disgusting, but he’s the best-looking one there). You’ll probably get his number and save it under something like “frat guy Hawaiian shirt,” make out a little, but he’ll ultimately end the conversation by being pulled away by one of his frat bros to go play Edward Fortyhands.
The End of the Night
Expectation: Your night will end with a legendary story. Maybe you’ll climb to the roof of your lecture hall, break into the basketball court at 2am, meet someone famous (you know, if you don’t go to school in a cow town), or literally do anything that will make your friends who decided to stay in jealous as f*ck.
Reality: By the time the party gets shut down, you’ll be too exhausted to even take off your makeup, much less go anywhere other than straight to bed. The only logical way to end your night is by debating whether or not a $4.99 delivery charge is truly worth getting greasy food sent to your room, to which the answer is always yes. You’ll spend about six minutes scarfing down an entire pizza and TBH, in that moment you won’t be able to think of anything more satisfying.
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and then there’s me in bed seriously contemplating if it’s worth it | @rahmesh_
Granted, there may be a few schools out there where the parties are genuinely incredible and meet your expectations, but I’ve yet to experience that. Whether you’re a freshman going strictly to frat houses, or a senior who frequents the bar and experiences the occasional frat relapse (no shade, we’ve all been there), odds are, the only stories you have from your nights out are about your friend throwing up in your Uber, how you made a total ass of yourself in front of the guy you’ve been talking to, or, my personal favorite, you won’t have any stories at all because you went too hard and can’t remember a thing. Better luck next year!
Images: Aditya Chinchure / Unsplash; dietstartstomorrow, off campus (2), betches / Instagram
As you embark on the sh*tshow adventure that is college, you have the ability to be whoever you want. Whether you join the yoga club and turn into a Birkenstock-wearing queen or get tapped into a secret society and fall off the face of the earth, there’s no wrong identity, and college is the perfect time to experiment. However, while you’re going through your waves of being a hipster stoner to a frat bro enthusiast, try your best to avoid falling into the following stereotypes, otherwise your academic and social status will suffer.
The One Who Never Goes To Class
Congratulations on getting into college, you deserve a break! Too bad that break was summer and college is NOT the time to sleep through the day. Trying to pass off “staying in bed all day” as a personality trait is such a cop-out because it’s actually just you being f*cking lazy. Don’t waste the literal tens of thousands of dollars you or your parents are dropping on tuition, because there are some people who would risk going to jail (#fighton) to be sitting where you should be—in class!! Go learn something, we love a smart betch.
The One Who’s Stuck In High School
This person spends all their free time FaceTiming their high school boyfriend and searching for a new “cliquey” girl squad to replace the one they left behind. You swear you were super popular back home, but sadly no one gives a f*ck about who you were in high school. College is time for a fresh start, so ditch your home life dependence and join us adults in the present.
Sad how some adults are still stuck in the bitchy high school phase, grow up bbs xo
— M A D Z ? (@madison_16xox) September 6, 2019
The One Who Lives For Her Srat
Joining a sorority is great—fabulous, actually—but if the second you get a bid you can’t be caught dead not wearing your letters, we have a problem. Your identity and self-worth should not be defined by a four-year hierarchical social construct, and quite frankly, it’s pretty embarrassing if it is. Explore your university, talk to some non-Greek people, and stop spending time researching every item you can possibly print your letters on!
The One Who’s “One Of The Bros”
You like to chill at home and watch TV, you shotgun beer, and you “haaaate drama” (aka you’re a fraternity groupie). I don’t care how much time you spend sitting around the bong coffee table littered with empty bottles and unidentifiable substances, at the end of the day you don’t have a d*ck and you’re not part of the “brotherhood.” Swooning over the boys by picking up their Chipotle and watching them play Fortnite is not a basis for lifelong friendship. Ultimately, all your efforts going toward the boys means you’ll probably miss out on the impressive solitude of female friends. Sad.
the girls who say “they hate drama” are usually the ones starting it all?
— bean ?? (@analyssemayraa) November 10, 2016
The One Who Already Added You On LinkedIn
All of your special skills on LinkedIn have been exclusively endorsed by your best friend and your mom, and you posted allllll about your “life-changing” summer internship on every social media platform (so glad your parents found time to make that phone call for you, sweetie). You joined seven clubs your first weekend on campus, and followed half the freshman class on Instagram before classes even started. While there’s nothing wrong with striving for excellence, no one likes a show-off. Let’s cool it on the public persona and desperation to “connect.” Put the f*cking phone down and try making real friends offline.
Everyone says college is the best four years of your life, and they’re not wrong. However, in the midst of going to darties, making bad decisions about texting the guy who ghosted you last week, and shoveling pizza into your mouth at 1am, you need to make a conscious effort to keep your priorities (which should be academics) in check and stay true to yourself.
Speaking from experience, you’ll definitely become your truest self in college, so don’t waste your time and efforts being an obnoxious fake bitch because spoiler alert: NO ONE likes that behavior in college and they’ll hate it even more in the real world.
Images: Tim Gouw/Unsplash; Betches/Instagram; madison_16xox/Twitter; Lien Caputo/GIPHY; TeamCoco/GIPHY; Analyssemayraa/Twitter
It’s no big secret that the entire college admissions system in the US is f*cked up. College in general is way too expensive, there’s a huge amount of inequality based on race and income (among other things), and high schoolers are under a crazy amount of stress to figure out what they’re doing with the rest of their lives. And now, we have concrete evidence that the whole thing sucks even worse than we thought, because 40 people, including some celebrities, have been indicted for their involvement in a major college admissions scam.
The whole story truly isn’t that surprising, mostly because I watched Gossip Girl, but it’s still pretty disappointing to know that this stuff actually happens in real life. The whole scam was orchestrated by a guy named William Rick Singer, who arranged for people to pay someone else to take the ACT or SAT for their kids. Allegedly, the test fraud went down for between $15,000 and $75,000 a pop, which is truly some Chuck Bass type sh*t. I am curious about the prices though. Like, does paying more get you a 2390 instead of a 2280 on the SAT? Perfect scores definitely come at a cost.
The two biggest stars who have been charged thus far are Felicity Huffman (from Desperate Housewives) and Lori Loughlin (from Full House). Huffman allegedly paid $15,000 for her oldest daughter’s test scores to be boosted, but what Lori Loughlin did is next level. In addition to all the stuff that went down with fraudulent test scores, she reportedly paid $500,000 for her two daughters to be designated as recruits for the USC rowing team, even though the girls didn’t even row. That made it way easier for them to get accepted, which is seriously f*cked. Because apparently it’s not enough to have a famous parent to get into a good school these days. I’m so glad I graduated already, this is f*cking bleak. Also, the people who did crew at my school had to wake up at like 5am every day, so I really hope these spoiled girls at least had to go to some of the practices. Probs not, though.
The FBI agent in charge of the investigation made the following public statement:“We believe everyone charged here today had a role in fostering a culture of corruption and greed that created an uneven playing field for students trying to get into these schools the right way through hard work, good grades and community service.” Wow, rich people being greedy and corrupt, can’t think of anyone who fits that persona! *cough Trump cough*
Overall, it’s believed that over $25 million was exchanged over the course of this whole operation, and the schools involved include UCLA, Yale, Stanford, and Georgetown, among others. So far, 49 people have been indicted, including 33 parents and nine coaches at various universities. I’m sure that Felicity Huffman is far from the only famous person to pull some questionable strings to get their kid into college, so I’m guessing we’ll be hearing more about this in the weeks to come.
For now, my most pressing question is about William H. Macy. As you may or may not know, Felicity Huffman is married to none other than Frank from Shameless. Is he gonna be arrested too? Did he not know about the SAT money? I need to know!!
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy
Got a fucked-up problem only The Betches can solve? Email us at [email protected] and you just might get a response.
Dear Betch
So I cannot stand my boyfriends mom. Like at all. I have never disrespected her, I’ve always been super polite and super nice because it’s just the way I was raised. I’ve always bit my tongue when it comes to her. It’s getting to the point where I think I might lose my mind. I live with my boyfriend and his mom. I moved here because of some family issues and my boyfriend just thought I’d be safer and better off with him. Well I’m a super clean person. I’m always cleaning and picking up stuff around my house. Well… when I moved in I was shocked as all hell to see the FILTH in his house. His mother is hoarder. And it’s so bad. The house is full of clutter and dirt and it reaks the smell of dog. Now majority of the time she’s gone. She’s a teacher and tutors after school so she gets home kinda late. When I first moved in I fell into a pretty bad depression. I wouldn’t talk to anyone, I wouldn’t really go out and I slept majority of the time. Being in her house just made me so sick. Hell it still does but I’m working now and it’s getting better.
Well anyway. Aside from her being a filthy, lazy, slob… she’s the BIGGEST hypocrite I have ever met. My boyfriend and I both smoke cannabis. She use to smoke cannabis as a teenager. My boyfriend and I both use to smoke cigarettes. Well I managed to quit and I also managed to get him to quit which she has never been able to do. She wears to god that we’re ruining our lives. My boyfriend is a manager at a local sonic and he’s working to become a GM and he wants to work his way up to the top. And he’s doing so good but she’s constantly telling him he’s a failure and he’s going nowhere. She doesn’t see how that affects him. It kills me that she puts him down like that. I spend so much time trying to cheer him up because of the things she says. She swears that cannabis is making us sick. I’ve always been able to ignore her until one day she really crossed the line. She came in and just started bitching about us and said that we’re losers and that we need to stop smoking pot and she looked me dead in the eyes and said that I was a drug addict and that I’m ruining her son. FIRST OF ALL my boyfriend was smoking before we even met. SECOND since we’ve been together, he’s quit smoking cigarettes, he’s gotten a car, and we’re saving up to move into an apartment within the next two months. If anything I’ve helped him. I haven’t ruined her son. I have tried to be nice to her and I’ve tried making friends but I know she doesn’t like me. And I know it’s only because I smoke. She doesn’t want her son with me because she wants him to be with someone who doesn’t smoke and will make him quit. But what she doesn’t realize is that he won’t be with anyone who doesn’t smoke because cannabis is a big part of his life. We both struggled with depression as young teens and we both use cannabis to self medicate. I honestly hate this woman. It’s to the point where just hearing her come home makes my blood boil and I just wanna scream all these nasty things to her and tell her how bad of a mother she is. I don’t know what to do. Please help me before I screw something up
Sent from my iPhone
K so I know this email is a month old and IDK how relevant my advice is anymore, but I’m going to give it anyway. Y’all have more issues than Vogue tbh. Your first step is to MOVE TF OUT OF YOUR BF’S MOM’S HOUSE. There really is no other solution here. You can’t talk to her about cleaning since it’s her house, you can’t clean her shit for her since if she’s a hoarder she’s probs got attachment issues to all her shit—so you’ve gotta go.
As far as the other shit… She may have smoked weed when she was a teenager, but like, are you smoking in her house? IDK why but I got that impression and that’s not cool at all. Why does your boyfriend’s mom even know you smoke in the first place? Your boyfriend’s mom, along with all parents in your life, should think you’re a virginal angel who’s never done anything bad in her life—not that you self-medicate with weed (a whole separate issue; consider therapy). Nothing you can do about it now because the cat’s out of the bag, but for future reference don’t talk to your SO’s parents about your copious drug use, no matter how “big a part of your life” it is.
Just play nice with your boyfriend’s mom because this is not a battle you’re ever going to win, and keep supporting your boyfriend when she puts him down. And for the record, who says “cannabis”? Just say “weed” like a normal fucking person.
Dear Betch,
Last falI I transferred from a small private college to a large state school because of my major. At my old college, I was popular, outgoing, on the cheerleading team, etc. Here at my new school, i’m feeling a little out of place. I’ve been here for months and while I have a small group of friends, I’ve developed a reputation of being more quiet and reserved than the life of the party, like I used to be. I want to start over but don’t know how to suddenly do so without making everyone think I have two personalities or something. Any advice on how to ditch my new rep and start over as the confident Betch I once was?
Sincerely,
Not Wanting To Be Kevin Wendell Crumb
K so I have no idea who Kevin Wendell Crumb is, so maybe your first issue is you make obscure references? Second, you’re making a way bigger deal out of this than it is. Nobody’s going to think “Wow, the new girl was shy at first and now that she’s warmed up to things she’s acting more confident—she’s totally got multiple personalities!” No. That’s a normal progression that happens to people when they’re outside of their comfort zone. If you want to be more confident and fun, just fucking do it. “Fake it til you make it,” as they say. Join some new clubs, maybe consider rushing a sorority (those tend to be big in large state schools), try out for cheerleading—basically anything that doesn’t involve sitting alone in your dorm room and overthinking things.
Everything you’re going through is normal and to be expected for someone who went from being a big fish in a little pond to a little fish in a big pond. So like, don’t stress. I get why you would, but it’s not productive (aka what I tell myself everytime I go into a stress spiral about something minute).
Got a fucked-up problem only The Betches can solve? Email us at [email protected] and you just might get a response.
