United Airlines is officially back on their bullshit in the most spectacular way possible. After dropping their debut single, “Sexualizing A Young Girl For Wearing Leggings“, and topping the charts with their hit “Dragging A Doctor Face-First Through The Aisles,” it was hard to imagine how they’d top their previous work. But they’ve done it. Oh boy, have they done it. What I’m trying to say is – United Airlines killed a puppy.
The puppy in question, an 11-month-old French bulldog named Kokito (RIP), died after a United flight attendant forced his owner to put him in an overhead compartment, where he suffocated to death. So now we know what happens when you put a puppy in an overhead bin, not that anyone was asking.
The owners and other passengers say that they protested vigorously, telling the flight attendant that there was a living creature in the bag, but the flight attendant
twirled their mustache, laughed manically, and screamed “WE ARE UNITED AIRLINES WHERE THE ONLY LAW IS DEATH!” insisted she put the dog overhead.
Oh, and do you think that’s the worst part of the story? No. The worst part of the story is that the puppy proceeded to bark and cry, but no one could go check on him because of heavy turbulence. By the end of the flight, the cries had stopped, and the family found their puppy was dead.
United has since responded saying the incident “should never have happend” (LOL YA THINK?!?) and that they “assume full responsibility for this tragedy.” TBH, I’m excited to see where the company takes their reputation next. Will they follow this up by flushing a cat down the toilet? Strapping a baby to the wing? Making their leg room even smaller?
On the bright side, United flights are about to get hella cheap. Just don’t bring anything you care about.
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United Airlines, aka the the Fyre Festival of airlines (or is Fyre Festival the United Airlines of festivals? Unclear.) is in trouble yet again for its policy of bumping paying customers off of flights that they purposely overbooked. Last time, it was a doctor on his way home to treat his patients. This time, it was a 27-month-old toddler who was forced to sit in his mother’s lap for the entirety of their three-hour flight due to a “mix-up in the United Airlines system.”
Note To Anyone From United Who Might Be Reading This: When given the choice between bumping an actual baby and bumping a human adult, bump the adult every time. People get like, really sensitive about how you treat babies. Also, get back to work. Your business is literally a dumpster fire of awful.
Shirley Yamauchi, the mom in this situation, told NBC News that she spent almost $1k each on tickets for herself and her son to get from Hawaii to Boston. After a five-hour layover in Houston (Sidebar: $1k each of non-direct flights on a disgraced airline?!? Somebody needs to tell this woman about Kayak ASAP…) Yamauchi and her son Taizo were forced to share a seat so some bro in standby could take it.
According to Yamauchi, none of the flight attendants said shit about the fact that she was just expected to carry a 25 pound human on her lap for the entirety of the flight which, considering that Yamauchi is only 5’2,” is a lot of baby for one person to handle.
Yamauchi said that she did not speak up right away due to “recent problems with United Aircrafts,” aka the time they broke a doctor’s face for refusing to give up his seat. Not really something you want to get into with a baby on your lap.
This entire incident comes just a few short months after United CEO and Person-Who-Should-Probably-Just-Give-Up-And-Move-To-The-Woods Oscar Munoz sent a public letter stating the company was going to “do better.” In his defense, while United did bump a baby out of his seat, they didn’t physically assault the baby, which is, technically, better.
Note #2 To Anyone from United Who Might Be Reading This: Maybe do a quick check to say “hey, are all babies seated comfortably and safely?” before shooting a giant metal bird into the sky. Just a thought.
On the bright side, Yamauchi did manage to get a refund for her son’s seat, in the form of a United Airlines voucher, so she’ll get to relive her amazing United Airlines experience all over again free of charge. Amazing.
United spokesman and Only-Person-With-A-Worse-Job-Than-Sean-Spicer Jonathan Guerin said in a statement:
“On a recent flight from Houston to Boston, we inaccurately scanned the boarding pass of Ms. Yamauchi’s son. As a result, her son’s seat appeared to be not checked in, and staff released his seat to another customer and Ms. Yamauchi held her son for the flight. We deeply apologize to Ms. Yamauchi and her son for this experience.”
Yamauchi, on the other hand, is about as satisfied with that explanation as you are with your fuckboy’s explanation for not answering your texts: “I saw them zap both tickets. There was no issue, no problem. They let us through. It just doesn’t add up. It’s very weird.”
She also is not satisfied with the whole “voucher” thing, saying “It doesn’t seem right or enough for pain and discomfort.”
Atta girl, Shirley. Get your damn money. As Ivana Trump famously said in First Wives Club:
Read: United Arlines’ Leggings Ban Isn’t Even The Worst Thing They’ve Done Recently
As anyone with even a casual attachment to Twitter already knows, United Airlines got into deep shit this weekend after forcing two young girls, one of whom was only 10 years old, to change out of leggings before boarding the flight. The girls, who were flying on free employee passes, were deemed too slutty to board, as per United’s dress code for pass riders. Predictably, feminist Twitter flipped the fuck out, as women everywhere were triggered into remembering the first of many times they were forced to change by school officials who decided their arms/legs/shoulders/clavicles/whatever were far too tempting for the impressionable men around them to concentrate on their important man-tasks. United’s response was basically to throw two fingers in the air and tell the world that if 10-year-olds wanna ride fo’ free, then those 10-year-olds need to step up their fashion game. A bold stance.
The passengers this morning were United pass riders who were not in compliance with our dress code policy for company benefit travel.
— United (@united) March 26, 2017
Now there is a debate here over whether or not the parents should have been more attentive to the dress code, and what United should or should not have done. A lot of frequent pass riders are saying this dress code is well known, and the girls should have known that such sinful, form-fitting attire would not be permitted. Others are appalled, not just at the fact that two children were slut shamed in front of an entire airplane, but also at the suggestion that anyone would wear anything other than leggings during air travel. You want me wearing pants? Like with a button and a zipper and shit? On a plane? Hard pass.
But like I said, that conversation is already happening all over Twitter. If you want to read about it, just check United’s mentions and go to fucking town. It’s all there. I’m not here to talk about that, and I’m certainly not here to get into the extremely divisive “are leggings pants?” debate. I don’t need the death threats. What I am here to say is this:
United fucking sucks as an airline. And I know from experience.
Over the new year I flew from D.C. to Wisconsin to Chicago to Denver, then from Denver to Chicago to NYC, all on United. It was a risk, but the prices were good and the times were right so I said what could go wrong? Everything, apparently.
Being that I, like every modern woman, have an anxiety disorder, I don’t like to check my bag. What if they lose all my shit? I need all my shit. My vibrator is in there. All my Christmas presents are in there. What kind of life would I lead without my vibrator and Christmas presents? I don’t want to know. That’s why my travel/baggage motto is always “Keep Calm and Carry On.” The “calm” brought to you by Xanax. Ty.
From Wisconsin to Denver, I volunteered to gate check my bag because the gate attendant was asking for volunteers and I’m a literally incredible person who was overtaken by the Christmas spirit. This detail would later be used against me, so fuck trying to be a nice person. Never again.
Cut to my return flight from Chicago to NYC. The flight is delayed two hours, which makes sense because it’s snowing a lot. I’m not bothered. I’d eaten like, a large amount of edible chocolates plus the Xanax so as far as I was concerned Chicago’s O’Hare airport was as comfortable as my own damn bed. I’m very chill.
Someone who is distinctly not very chill is our gate attendant. He is continually making announcements about how the plane is “being held in the terminal for no reason” and how the pilot “has no idea what he’s doing.” Not something that you want to hear about the person who is going to be behind the wheel of your sky-car, but again, I am heavily sedated and it would take nothing short of a terrorist attack to get me to feel anything but warm and slightly sleepy. Little did I know, the gate attendant would soon reveal himself to be my personal Osama Bin Laden.
Is that too extreme? Maybe. But I stand by it.
Finally, we are boarding. Things are going fine. I go up to get on the plane and come face to face with Angry Gate Attendant. He takes one look at me and yells “WELL I GUESS I HAVE TO CHECK YOUR ENORMOUS BAG.”
I pause. Surely he’s not talking about me? Me who has carried my bag on 4 out of 5 flights? Me who gate checked just recently out of the kindness of my own heart? Me who is existing in a bubble of chill vibes? No way. No fucking way.
So I say something to the effect of, “Oh really? I carried this on all my other flights.”
Here’s where being a good person comes to bite me in the ass. He snatches up the ticket that’s still stuck to my bag from when I gate checked and says “Clearly you didn’t!” and grabs my bag from me. He stands in between me and my vibrator.
I tell him again that yes I did carry on my bag previously, but it’s fine, I’ll gate check it, and I turn to leave. Next thing I know this dude is running after me, screaming “MA’AM! MA’AM!” he grabs the bag from me and drags me out to the line. He then tells me that I “appear to think in the wrong” and that if I want to get on the plane, I have to stand in front of the line and admit that he is “right in his assessment of the size of my bag.”
Deadass. This dude wants me to declare him right and myself wrong, in public, before all of the people in boarding group 4, before I am allowed to board the plane. At this point, my Xanax and edibles combination is turning against me. I start crying immediately. Big, wet, “I’m fucked up on drugs” tears. Ya’ll know what I’m talking about.
So, I mean, I do it. I announce to the airport that I am wrong about the size of my bag. That my bag is actually very large. Far too large to ever be allowed on a plane. I must have dreamed that I carried the bag on my other flights. In fact, I didn’t dream it. I made it up. Purposely. To sabotage Chicago O’Hare airport and Angry Gate Attendant personally, because I’m jealous. I’m jealous of the airport. I’m jealous of Gate Hitler. I’m a jealous, messy bitch, and I’m deeply sorry.
As a result, my flight was less than ideal. We arrive in NYC at 2am and all I want to do is get my bag and GTFO. But my bag never comes.
For those of you who have never experienced the horror that is watching every single person on your flight pick up their bag until the carousel is empty and your life flashes before your eyes, you’re lucky. It’s like, getting your period when you weren’t expecting to x1000 and all your Christmas presents are gone. The now drunken Xanax-and-edible tears start back up again, and do not stop until I am safely in my bed, again, sans vibrator.
My bag and I were eventually reunited 48 hours later, when a random man delivered them to my apartment at 2am. I didn’t even get a free voucher or an apology or a separate bag with the gate attendant’s head in it or anything. And before you ask, of course I sent a thousand angry DMs to United’s customer service account. It’s 2017. Getting pissed off at companies on Twitter is like, a human right. Whoever runs their account apologized for the gate attendant’s behavior, but again, I’ve yet to receive an invitation to his funeral, so I am not satisfied.
All this is to say, leggings or no leggings, United fucking sucks. Their gate attendants are mean, and they clearly have issues with normalizing their policies across airports. My athleisured ass will be flying Southwest from here on out. Or maybe Jetblue. Or even—dare I say—Virgin. That’s right, I’d rather watch their truly insane in-flight safety video before every single one of my connecting flights than step foot on a United plane ever again. And that’s really saying something, because this shit is pretty fucking extra: