Nothing will transport you back to high school faster than being in a room full of people talking about some type of sex you’ve never heard of. Not that high school wasn’t fun, but who likes being reminded that once upon a time, they were a virgin who couldn’t drive? Even though it’s literally impossible to keep up with all the weird euphemisms for sex people come up with, you’re obviously not supposed to let on that you have no idea WTF truffle butter means. (You’re not going to like it. Or maybe you will—I don’t know the details of your sex life and I prefer to keep it that way.) I don’t know how people maintained a cool, sexually sophisticated façade before the internet, but luckily, we live in an era where you can pull up Urban Dictionary on your phone whenever you want. Blessings.
In the interest of pretending like you’re not totally vanilla, here are the definitions of 10 sex terms you’re too embarrassed to admit you don’t know.
1. Truffle Butter
Nicki Minaj wrote an entire song about this one, but if Googling it somehow slipped your mind and it’s too late to ask anyone, allow me to explain. Truffle butter is the result of going from anal sex to vaginal sex—apparently, it’s the tan shit (possibly literally) around your vag. In order to maintain my faith in humanity I’m just gonna assume it’s a thing that happens once and never again in any relationship, because the idea makes me want to puke. Also, hello, does nobody realize that’s a UTI waiting to happen? I am scarred.
BTW, the mess is also known by another name: Santorum. Please Google it because the origins of the name are the only good thing to come out of American politics since Jackie Kennedy’s dress sense.
I’ll keep this definition as short as the word itself: Chodes are short, fat dicks. This can be taken literally or figuratively—Jonah Hill, for example, could be considered a chode. Although he fits the definition to a T in other ways, Pussy Grabber-in-Chief is (surprisingly) too tall to fit in the category in the literal sense. And for those of you who are wondering, according to Google, Donald Trump is supposedly 6’2″, but given his clear Napoleon complex I’m going to declare that fact fake news.
The online definitions vary, but the basic definition of a creampie is when a dude’s semen drips out of you after sex. Because someone, somewhere will literally lick anything out of a vagina, creampies sometimes refer to when your partner licks said semen up once you’re done banging. I would take this time to ask “WHO DOES THAT??” but honestly, I don’t want to know. Please try to contain your vom.
Bukkake is not a trendy new sushi roll—it’s when a bunch of dudes jack off onto a woman’s body, which sounds enjoyable for precisely no one. Like, where do you gather all these dudes? What are the rules for eye contact? Do the men acknowledge that this is way beyond the rules of the bro code? What the fuck are women supposed to get out of it, aside from a lot of blackmail material? If I wanted to personally collect a whole bunch of DNA evidence, I’d work in a crime lab.
If you’re a bi betch or know anyone who plays for both teams, they’ve def complained about the idea of a unicorn before. Aside from being the mythical creature you asked for on your 9th birthday, unicorns are the nickname for a chick who joins a het couple for a threesome and enjoys it for some reason. Tragically for the swingers (read: fuckboys who don’t want to be monogamous but don’t have the balls to dump their GF) of the world, unicorns are way, way less common than porn would have you think. Which is precisely why they’re called “unicorns” and not “people in the bread aisle of your local grocery store”.
6. Tossing Salad
Once again, we have Nicki Minaj to thank for bringing this phrase to everyone’s attention. Tossing salad (like his name’s Romaine) is literally just going down on someone’s asshole. If you ever heard of The Human Centipede, it’s basically the sex version of that. If Queen Nicki’s into it, I guess it must be fun somehow even if it sounds like the fastest way to get e. coli and end up in the hospital. I’d rather just go to Chipotle.
7. Eskimo Sisters
We did an entire guide to the concept of Eskimo sisters, but if you’re crunched for time, here’s the short version. Eskimo sisters are two women who’ve had sex with the same person, AKA the #1 reason for failed friendships. (#2 is posting an Instagram where one person looks fat.) It’s a complicated, yet sacred relationship in any small social circle, but if you manage to navigate the awkwardness at first, it’s no biggie. Prominent eskimo sisters in pop culture include Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie (and possibly Marion Cotillard), Kristen Doute and Ariana Madix, and all the girls who make it to the fantasy suite on the same season of The Bachelor.
According to a bunch of scandalized articles written in 2014, bloodhounds are dudes who either don’t mind having sex with you while you’re on your period, or they’re actually into it. We would also call them “men”. The fact that “bloodhound” is even a term is proof we need feminism TBH. Unless your flow rivals the Red Sea, having sex on your period is not a big fucking deal, as we’ve previously established.
Because people are way too obsessed with how lesbians have sex, even straight people have heard of scissoring. Basically, it’s when two women rub their clits and/or lady bits together until someone comes or until they get bored. Most of the time, it’s more of a porn/male fantasy thing than an actual thing women do when they have sex, but I guess some lesbian couples actually like it. Maybe.
In case you missed the Broad City episode about it, pegging is when a woman wears a strap-on and fucks a man—yes, up the asshole. When a fuckboy tried to convince me to do anal (“pleaseeee? Just one time?”), I asked him if he would be willing to let me peg him, and that shut him down real quick. I’m just saying, nobody should expect their partner to take it up the ass unless they’re prepared to do the same.
Am I saying I feel like pegging is a win for feminism? Basically yes. The more you know.
Starbucks just launched a new drink today called the Unicorn Frappuccino, and it’s basically the Mountain Dew of coffee. I mean, even more so than the Frappuccino already is, because that’s barely coffee TBH. It’s more like a coffee-based method for 14-year-old betches-in-training to ingest 500 calories of pure sugar. And in case you were wondering exactly how extra this drink truly is, here’s the description from Starbucks: “Like its mythical namesake, the Unicorn Frappuccino blended crème comes with a bit of magic, starting as a purple beverage with swirls of blue and a first taste that is sweet and fruity.” Ughhh. Excuse me, I think I just rolled my eyes so hard I need some OJ to help with the comedown.
First of all, it just doesn’t seem that hard for a drink to change from pink to purple. Mermaid Barbie pioneered that technology in like, 1995 to make our bathtimes more magical—so sorry Starbucks, but I am not impressed. Second of all, and most importantly, this sounds disgusting. Like drinking a glass of liquid Nerds.
monstrosity drink is only available from April 19-23, or at least that’s what Starbucks is claiming, though just like when your man says the Insta model whose photos he keeps liking is “his friend from high school,” we’re a little suspicious. Much like an actual unicorn, we hope this drink also disappears and goes extinct (Unicorns went extinct, right?). Starbucks wanted to get in on the rainbow trend because apparently the key to getting kids to buy your shit is to make it look like a Kesha music video. We’ve already talked about why the rainbow trend is basic, and this drink is no different. I’m sorry to all the boring nice girls out there who think buying colorful shit makes them interesting, but liking mermaids and unicorns and shit as an adult is not a personality. It is a disorder. Seek help.
So like, WTF is actually in this drink? According to the ingredients page on Starbucks’ site, there’s Mango syrup, Blue Drizzle, Pink Powder, Sour Blue Powder, and Whipped Cream. The blue drizzle is made of “Condensed Skim Milk, Coconut Oil, Cocoa Butter, Natural Flavor, Salt, Potassium Sorbate, and Monoglycerides” so basically neither fruit nor coffee. Let’s be real though, nobody’s buying this for the taste. This is strictly an #eatingfortheinsta situation.
Bottom line, people who like this drink probably liked the movie Suicide Squad and dressed up as Harley Quinn for Halloween. The only thing that could save us here is if this is all one big Banksy prank about capitalism, or at the very least a Dumb Starbucks situation. If we really think about it, this is probably our fault in some way. We all used the rainbow Snapchat filters, and now Starbucks is just giving us the Frappuccino version of that. You know what they say, one great Snap Story halfway across the world can have huge affects here at home. They call that shit The Unicorn Effect.
The unicorn beauty trend has been getting its 15 minutes of fame recently and I don’t fucking get it. It’s like every time I look at my phone I see another article about how unicorns are the new “it” thing for summer and festival looks, which means I’m already taking mental notes about all of the people I’ll need to start unfollowing on social media come June. But what is it about unicorns that has people going batshit over them? Like, we get it, they’re unique, blah, blah, blah. You know what else is just as unique? Rose gold iPhones. Seriously, give me a break.
So putting to good use the same journalistic skills I used to back-stalk my ex’s new girlfriend all the way to second grade, I
opened a bottle of wine did some research into the background of unicorns. This is just like senior year, except for funner!
According to the internet (and we know there’s never any fake news on there), unicorns are mythical woodland creatures that are notorious because they can only be captured by virgins. Wait… WHAT. Oh OF COURSE virgins are behind this trend. It all makes sense now. I’m picturing that girl from my freshman year dorm who judged me for putting out but played the game of “just the tip” herself. You know, the girl who’s always saying stuff like “I’m not like other girls” or whose Facebook cover photo says something like “It’s okay to be YOUnique”? I can def see this girl as the mastermind of bringing back a beauty trend that’s popular among second graders.
And because the unicorn fad isn’t just for virgins (I assume) and I know there’s a lot of thots out there trying to be semi-original at Coachella this year I’ve gone ahead and listed 5 beauty products that you can buy to make your unicorn
dreams delusions come true:
1. Unicorn Lips
I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again, the only reason you’re sporting this look is because you’re on drugs/are about to take drugs/want to look like you take drugs on Instagram. That or you’re a 13-year-old girl named Zenon who’s about to save the space center and get a boyfriend too. Zedus Lapedus, duh. That being said, Too Faced’s Unicorn Tears Lipstick is the best in the game. It definitely gives off some futuristic vibes without going too overboard, plus it’ll be great for your Snapchat game. You’re welcome.
2. Unicorn Hair
Lime Crime is about to release a unicorn hair dye line and it’s as
batshit whimsical as you’d think it would be. Apparently crazy the dyes comes in 13 different colors and are all vegan friendly because of course. Each color comes in full coverage and tint formulas as well. The only good thing about this line is it’s a literal steal. A jar of this dye costs $16 and can last up to ten washes. Which also means that you’ll be looking like a grandma on acid for up to 10 days after Coachella, so, use that information wisely.
3. Unicorn Nails
Tbh I don’t actually hate this one. There are obviously ways to go overboard here. For example, if you’re considering anything bejeweled or horn shaped then maybe just take a step back and ask yourself if you really want to become the next internet meme. But for a more subtle look, try Trust Fund Beauty polish in “Boy, Bye.” It’ll make you seem cool and edgy and
not less like a virgin who can’t drive.
4. Unicorn Snot
Any purchase with the word “snot” in it has to be some sort of red flag to credit card companies, so I can only imagine that a purchase like this would warrant your card being put on hold. AS IT SHOULD BE. Because if you’re buying snot from mythical beings then you really need to reevaluate your life choices. Aside from the name making me want to vomit, Unicorn Snot is basically just body glitter in a jar. Groundbreaking.
And at $10 a (tiny) jar, you too can look like a model in a Wet Seal ad. Tbh you could spend that same amount of money on a semi-ratchet bottle of wine, getting fucked up and watching that HBO documentary about the secret world of tickling, which I can and will be doing later to forget all the things that people willingly purchase for themselves. Sighs.
5. Unicorn (Holographic) Highlighter
This seems a little extra to me, but then again so does this entire article. Moving on, the Milk Makeup Holographic Stick is about to take your music festival game to the next fucking level. Dot a little bit on your eyelids, Cupid’s bow, and cheeks for a chic take on the monochromatic look. But be careful because going overboard with this one screams “I’m definitely doing drugs after work”, and let’s be honest, your boss already judges you enough at happy hour.
Congratulations, you’ve now purchased the more expensive version of the makeup you played dress up with as an 8-year-old. I’m sure your parents are v proud. If you need me, I’ll just be on Instagram
slashing and burning narrowing down the list of people I follow.