Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by basic betches and their obsession with fantasy creatures, especially fucking mermaids and unicorns. **Insert me and every normal person raising their goddamn hands** I mean, seriously what are you? An 8-year-old girl with a Limited Too and Lisa Frank obsession. Sorry for the rant… I suffer from rage blackouts. But from unicorn pasta to mermaid blankets, crowns and toast, enough is e-fucking-nough. But because the limit of extraness does not exist, we have something else to add to the list: Unicorn Tears gin. Because even psychopaths are basic these days.
At first, I was just rolled my eyes at the stupid af name. But then I did some more digging and found that they’re legit selling this shit as if it’s actually the tears of a make-believe horned horse. The company who created this shit described it as “a mythical spirit” and said that it’s made from “humanely raised unicorns.” And no I’m not fucking kidding. That’s legit what the official description says, which isn’t all that surprising, because as someone in marketing I can tell you the industry is filled with extras.
And in case that wasn’t enough, this shit glitters. Alcohol that sparkles. Like you’re a fucking freshman using your fake to pick up Goldschlager at the liquor store since you saw it in Superbad. Since when is a plain vodka soda not good enough? Despite doing the literal most, is that safe for your health? Isn’t glitter like, metal or plastic or something? Whatever. Not drinking it anyway so not my problem. But if you do, just know that in addition to being labeled the most basic of the basics, you might legit die. Don’t tell us we didn’t warn you.
The unicorn beauty trend has been getting its 15 minutes of fame recently and I don’t fucking get it. It’s like every time I look at my phone I see another article about how unicorns are the new “it” thing for summer and festival looks, which means I’m already taking mental notes about all of the people I’ll need to start unfollowing on social media come June. But what is it about unicorns that has people going batshit over them? Like, we get it, they’re unique, blah, blah, blah. You know what else is just as unique? Rose gold iPhones. Seriously, give me a break.
So putting to good use the same journalistic skills I used to back-stalk my ex’s new girlfriend all the way to second grade, I
opened a bottle of wine did some research into the background of unicorns. This is just like senior year, except for funner!
According to the internet (and we know there’s never any fake news on there), unicorns are mythical woodland creatures that are notorious because they can only be captured by virgins. Wait… WHAT. Oh OF COURSE virgins are behind this trend. It all makes sense now. I’m picturing that girl from my freshman year dorm who judged me for putting out but played the game of “just the tip” herself. You know, the girl who’s always saying stuff like “I’m not like other girls” or whose Facebook cover photo says something like “It’s okay to be YOUnique”? I can def see this girl as the mastermind of bringing back a beauty trend that’s popular among second graders.
And because the unicorn fad isn’t just for virgins (I assume) and I know there’s a lot of thots out there trying to be semi-original at Coachella this year I’ve gone ahead and listed 5 beauty products that you can buy to make your unicorn
dreams delusions come true:
1. Unicorn Lips
I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again, the only reason you’re sporting this look is because you’re on drugs/are about to take drugs/want to look like you take drugs on Instagram. That or you’re a 13-year-old girl named Zenon who’s about to save the space center and get a boyfriend too. Zedus Lapedus, duh. That being said, Too Faced’s Unicorn Tears Lipstick is the best in the game. It definitely gives off some futuristic vibes without going too overboard, plus it’ll be great for your Snapchat game. You’re welcome.
2. Unicorn Hair
Lime Crime is about to release a unicorn hair dye line and it’s as
batshit whimsical as you’d think it would be. Apparently crazy the dyes comes in 13 different colors and are all vegan friendly because of course. Each color comes in full coverage and tint formulas as well. The only good thing about this line is it’s a literal steal. A jar of this dye costs $16 and can last up to ten washes. Which also means that you’ll be looking like a grandma on acid for up to 10 days after Coachella, so, use that information wisely.
3. Unicorn Nails
Tbh I don’t actually hate this one. There are obviously ways to go overboard here. For example, if you’re considering anything bejeweled or horn shaped then maybe just take a step back and ask yourself if you really want to become the next internet meme. But for a more subtle look, try Trust Fund Beauty polish in “Boy, Bye.” It’ll make you seem cool and edgy and
not less like a virgin who can’t drive.
4. Unicorn Snot
Any purchase with the word “snot” in it has to be some sort of red flag to credit card companies, so I can only imagine that a purchase like this would warrant your card being put on hold. AS IT SHOULD BE. Because if you’re buying snot from mythical beings then you really need to reevaluate your life choices. Aside from the name making me want to vomit, Unicorn Snot is basically just body glitter in a jar. Groundbreaking.
And at $10 a (tiny) jar, you too can look like a model in a Wet Seal ad. Tbh you could spend that same amount of money on a semi-ratchet bottle of wine, getting fucked up and watching that HBO documentary about the secret world of tickling, which I can and will be doing later to forget all the things that people willingly purchase for themselves. Sighs.
5. Unicorn (Holographic) Highlighter
This seems a little extra to me, but then again so does this entire article. Moving on, the Milk Makeup Holographic Stick is about to take your music festival game to the next fucking level. Dot a little bit on your eyelids, Cupid’s bow, and cheeks for a chic take on the monochromatic look. But be careful because going overboard with this one screams “I’m definitely doing drugs after work”, and let’s be honest, your boss already judges you enough at happy hour.
Congratulations, you’ve now purchased the more expensive version of the makeup you played dress up with as an 8-year-old. I’m sure your parents are v proud. If you need me, I’ll just be on Instagram
slashing and burning narrowing down the list of people I follow.