We can all agree that men know nothing about fashion, food, travel, or truly anything. Let’s be clear, I am a man—a super gay man, yes—but I know about straight guy stuff because I unfortunately know many of them. Even grew up with several.

Recently I overheard a straight guy named Randy (I can’t even) say “Huh, that look cool,” in regards to a woman’s flawless ombre that she most definitely paid millions for, as he tucked his football back into his pants and grunted about classic rock. I looked at the floor shaking my head, my own freshly dyed faux-gray hair falling into my eyes. Most men simply don’t get it, and yet their opinions are considered “important,” what with them essentially ruining running our entire government and making decisions for us and all that fun stuff. It’s insane bullshit, but until the day we completely dismantle the patriarchy it’s important to take time to see things from everyone’s point of view. Or so I am told by straight white men.

I spent many years pretending I was a straight man, acting indifferent towards any and all fashion trends so people wouldn’t find out my secrets of being gay and also fashionable, because society drives it into our heads that those things go hand in hand and that we shouldn’t express them. Which is why I asked some aforementioned straight men what they thought about the hottest summer trends. Here’s what they had to say:

1. Denim Skirts

Let’s begin by talking about the elephant in the room. Summer is approaching more rapidly than global warming can destroy us, and denim skirts are coming back faster than Beyoncé’s body after she had Blue Ivy.

Personally, I fucking hate denim skirts. Nothing says “I shop mostly at strip malls upstate” like a denim skirt. Even the high fashion ones you can get for hundreds of dollars in Soho look like they could be Faded Glory by Walmart. The opinion of the straight male, however, seems to skew very different. Straight guys love denim skirts. They live for them, in fact. You want the attention of a fuckboy? Slap on a denim skirt from Forever 21, a little mascara and a band T-shirt you’ve never actually listened to/cared about and the fuckboys will come crawling out of the woodwork like pretentious termites. Take Sean from Maine, for example, who said, “Denim skirts are okay. They’re pretty hot I guess. Like, in the summer I like them.” I didn’t have time to punch Sean from Maine in the face and also he is my brother’s friend so instead I mentally clocked him as a fuckboy and moved on.

2. Starbucks’ Unicorn Frappuccino

Speaking of things that are insane, let’s discuss Starbucks’ Unicorn Frappucino. It’s only here for a very brief time and I think we all need to thank whatever God we pray to that they go away as fast as they came. They’re literally all sugar and food coloring and Starbucks’ baristas hate making them. If I was ever interested in a dude and he ordered a fucking Unicorn Frappucino, I would probably wait for it to come out and then throw it in his face. If a straight guy thinks it’s cute or charming that you want a Unicorn Frappucino then he’s an idiot, or very possibly a pedophile, and you should ghost him immediately—and I’ll add we should all ghost the Unicorn Frappucino. To get a straight guy to comment on a Unicorn Frappucino they’d have to admit that they’ve had one, which would make them maybe seem gay to their friends at the gym, so you’ll have to just trust me on this one.

3. Underboob

“What’s underboob?” Dan, a bartender in Brooklyn asks while pretending to be stressed about making me a vodka martini. After showing him my go-to underboob picture from Kylie Jenner’s Instagram, he changes his tune. “Ohh, yeah, yeah…I like that. I like underboob.” So complex, the male species is.

So that brings me to underboob. Of course fucking sicko straight dudes love underboob, but the thing is…so do I?!? If it’s done tastefully it can be shocking and exciting and even high fashion. Celebs everywhere are doing it, from Lady Gaga to Gigi Hadid. Women have been showing top boob for centuries, and side boob for the last three years or so, so why not show off the bottom? It exudes confidence and when I see it I automatically think that the woman showing it off is not to be messed with. I mean, Beyoncé and Nicki Minaj have been doing it for years, so it’s truly insane that it’s taken this long to really catch on. Plus, now you can show off that tattoo you got on your rib cage when you were 18 that you never want your mom to see.

4. Pink Eyeshadow

Hot. Pink. Eyeshadow. It was very popular at the Met Gala, with celebs from Jennifer Connelly to Selena Gomez sporting the attention-getter with no apologies. I’m very into it. I think it makes the eyes pop while sending a subtle message of “I’m confident and I’m better than you, which may be due in part to the Adderall I just railed,” which is always the message I try to send. Straight men tend to shy away from a bold eye or a bold lip—or a bold personality, for that matter—but I’m here for it. My friend’s boyfriend Ian said, “What’s eyeshadow?” After I convinced him that knowing what eyeshadow is doesn’t make him gay, he finally admitted that he knew what it was and also that he didn’t like it. See? They’re timid about very bold makeup choices as it may draw attention from other men and you may end up leaving them for someone more confident. Men and peacocks essentially think the same way.

5. Center Parts

Center-parted hair is back and sort of becoming classic, at least if Mariska Hargitay’s hairstyle on this season of Law & Order: SVU is any indication. The center part has never really gone away, and with Kim K sporting one at the Met Gala last week, it’s sure to be popular this summer. Center parts are…fine. My personal taste is a little…flashier…but if you’re heading to the beach or to a house party and you don’t have a lot of time to get ready, then yes, by all means go with the center part. Fuckboys love a center part because it’s not too flashy and they think they’re deep for being into a girl that looks high fashion. As I explain this article to a friend, her boyfriend who we’ll call Straight Eric mentions he likes center parts because it makes girls seem seem smart and sophisticated. While I can’t disagree, I am surprised he knows what the word sophisticated means.

To wrap up, I’d like to say that only one opinion matters and that’s yours. Fashion trends wouldn’t happen if someone wasn’t the first person to slap on hot pink eyeshadow, or reveal underboob. Where would we as a society be without the brave trailblazer who thought “maybe I’ll part my hair…but in the middle?!” There’s no excuse for the Unicorn Frappucino, but hopefully this summer has some other fun food trends in store for us, preferably ones that won’t give you immediate health issues related to high insulin levels.

The takeaway I hope you learn from this is all men are insecure and you should never change your makeup or wardrobe or anything about you at all based on their preference. (Unless they’re like…Ralph Lauren. Then maybe listen to his fashion advice.)

Last month, when Starbucks introduced the Unicorn Frappuccino for a limited run, the internet just about lost its damn mind. Stores literally sold out of the blue and pink sugar rush in a cup, and baristas everywhere were posting pictures of how their lives had basically been ruined by the drink (same tho). It had absolutely no coffee in it, and we knew that whoever handles karma would find a way to get them back for this monstrosity. Turns out it didn’t take long, and Starbucks might be headed to court over the Unicorn Life-Ruiner Frappuccino.

A coffee shop in Brooklyn called The End has slammed Starbs with a $10 million trademark lawsuit, claiming that they started selling a Unicorn Latte back in December and have had a trademark application pending since earlier this year. The drink looks, um, exactly like the Starbucks version, except all the ingredients are healthy-sounding, like dried maca root, cashew, and blue-green algae. Still sounds fucking gross, but at least it’s not going to singlehandedly give you diabetes.

Starbucks, of course, says the lawsuit is dumb—probably because it is. The Ends is claiming that “In addition to having a highly similar name, Starbucks’ Unicorn Frappuccino shares visual similarities to the Unicorn Latte in that both were brightly colored and featured the colors pink and blue prominently.” This has got to be the epitome of hipster Brooklyn shit to not only be like “We did it before it went mainstream,” but to SUE OVER IT. Really, hipsters, you’re gonna sue because someone copied your color scheme? Because really, if we wanna get technical, rose quartz and serenity (aka pink and blue) were Pantone’s colors of the year in 2016. So. Check mate.

.@Starbucks facing legal action from independent over ‘unicorn latte’https://t.co/p7psTWG5Oh#coffee #beverages pic.twitter.com/lOfeKlSEXb

— FoodBev (@FoodBev) May 5, 2017

Starbucks’ lawyers put out a half-assed statement about how the drink was inspired by the “fun, spirited and colorful unicorn-themed food and drink that have been trending in social media.” While they of course don’t say that they took the idea from The End, they’re basically admitting that they got the idea because some intern was scrolling down their Instagram explore page and saw some blue and pink shit. 

While we’re glad we weren’t the only ones who were personally victimized by the Unicorn Frappuccino, this lawsuit seems as unnecessary as the invention of this drink in the first place. We’re pretty sure the Unicorn Frappuccino is already over, so isn’t it a moo point? What is Starbucks gonna do, pay this random-ass coffee shop all the money they earned from the Unicorn Frap? Will they issue a personal apology for the assault on our Instagram feeds, along with a promise to cease and desist all rainbow colored beverages? One can only hope.
 

In case you missed it, Starbucks launched their Unicorn Frappuccino last week, proving to all of us that it was somehow possible for 12-year-old girls to hack the site’s menu portal and create this cup of pure rainbow shit. Also referred to as the “Mountain Dew of coffee”, or “The reason 2017 is turning out to be worse than 2016”, this drink is literally the reason Americans are stupid and morbidly obese.

As we picked up our venti cold brew and judged everyone ordering the latest Lisa Frank-inspired concoction, we started to think about our own Starbucks orders. Like, we wouldn’t be caught dead ordering a frappuccino, but what if we want something other than a black coffee with a Splenda and a splash of Skim? How fat would we get? After doing some research, we came up with some ideas for ordering delicious shit from Starbucks without gaining weight. Here are some rules to follow:

1. Think Ahead

First of all, if you’re a Starbs rookie, there are a couple things you should know. If you don’t specify exactly what you want, you’re fucked. Don’t order a latte assuming they’ll use skim milk or soy. They’re using 2%, and the calories will start adding up REAL quick. Also, if you’re ordering an iced tea and don’t specify that you want it unsweetened, they’ll sweeten it with the full-sugar classic syrup, and trust me, you don’t want to be consuming that.

2. If You Must Get Syrup, Opt For Sugar-Free

The next thing you should know is that if you’re dying for some sweet AF flavor in your drink, the only syrups that come in sugar-free versions are the mocha, vanilla, and cinnamon dolce. So, if you’re ordering a skinny caramel latte thinking you’re being healthy, they’re putting the real caramel syrup in, and probably adding more than the nutritional info accounts for. Basically, you’re playing yourself.

3. Customize Your Drink (Without Being Annoying)

Now that we have the basics down, it’s time to get creative. If you think about it, the Starbucks menu is just a bunch of combinations of syrups, espresso shots, and milk, so it’s easy to customize a drink that has basically no cals with tons of ingredients. If the barista looks confused when you order something that’s not on the menu, just make it seem like you order it everyday and have never had a problem. You’ll be surprised how flexible she’ll be when you have 12 angry people in line behind you who haven’t had caffeine yet.

4. Three Words: Iced Skinny Latte

If you’re a frappuccino addict (what are you, 12?) the typical health hack of Starbucks is to switch your ice cream concoction to the iced skinny latte. If you’re into flavors, choose from sugar-free vanilla, mocha, or cinnamon dolce, and if you’re legit dying for white chocolate for some reason, ask for half a pump AT MOST. That shit is sweet enough with just a drop, so you’ll be fine. The iced skinny latte is made with a shot of espresso, skim milk, and the syrup you ask for, and the whole drink is like 80 calories. Maybe 100 for a grande. You can also ask for coconut milk or soy if you’re dairy-free, and the cals are basically the same. If you want something a little sweeter, get the tall iced skinny macchiato, which is also less than 100 calories. They don’t add as much caramel drizzle as they do on a regular, but once again, you’re an adult and you’ll be okay without the mountain of sticky caramel on your morning coffee.

5. Swap Out Your Cappuccino

If you’re one of those girls who went abroad a few years ago still needs to start every morning with a hot cappuccino with extra foam, try getting the Americano Misto instead. It’s a hot drink that’s basically just espresso shots, water filled up halfway, and steamed milk on top. AKA it’s not all steamed milk aka slightly less fattening.

6. Stay Away From The Fancy Fake Coffee Drinks

If you want to order a drink that’s not coffee, skip the diabetes bombs like the vanilla bean frap or strawberries and cream, and instead get a tall passion iced tea with soy milk. The whole drink is about 70 calories, and tastes like a creamy fruit drink. It might not taste like a double chocolate DQ blizzard, but then again it’s 2pm on a Wednesday and you’re sober. You’ll take the iced tea.

So there you have it. There’s a lot you can order at Starbucks if you’re willing to get creative and get a couple weird stares from people in line. Just promise us, for God’s sake, that you won’t add whipped cream, because there’s literally nothing we can help you with there. You can try Sears.

Starbucks just launched a new drink today called the Unicorn Frappuccino, and it’s basically the Mountain Dew of coffee. I mean, even more so than the Frappuccino already is, because that’s barely coffee TBH. It’s more like a coffee-based method for 14-year-old betches-in-training to ingest 500 calories of pure sugar. And in case you were wondering exactly how extra this drink truly is, here’s the description from Starbucks: “Like its mythical namesake, the Unicorn Frappuccino blended crème comes with a bit of magic, starting as a purple beverage with swirls of blue and a first taste that is sweet and fruity.” Ughhh. Excuse me, I think I just rolled my eyes so hard I need some OJ to help with the comedown.

First of all, it just doesn’t seem that hard for a drink to change from pink to purple. Mermaid Barbie pioneered that technology in like, 1995 to make our bathtimes more magical—so sorry Starbucks, but I am not impressed. Second of all, and most importantly, this sounds disgusting. Like drinking a glass of liquid Nerds. 

The monstrosity drink is only available from April 19-23, or at least that’s what Starbucks is claiming, though just like when your man says the Insta model whose photos he keeps liking is “his friend from high school,” we’re a little suspicious. Much like an actual unicorn, we hope this drink also disappears and goes extinct (Unicorns went extinct, right?). Starbucks wanted to get in on the rainbow trend because apparently the key to getting kids to buy your shit is to make it look like a Kesha music video. We’ve already talked about why the rainbow trend is basic, and this drink is no different. I’m sorry to all the boring nice girls out there who think buying colorful shit makes them interesting, but liking mermaids and unicorns and shit as an adult is not a personality. It is a disorder. Seek help. 

So like, WTF is actually in this drink? According to the ingredients page on Starbucks’ site, there’s Mango syrup, Blue Drizzle, Pink Powder, Sour Blue Powder, and Whipped Cream. The blue drizzle is made of “Condensed Skim Milk, Coconut Oil, Cocoa Butter, Natural Flavor, Salt, Potassium Sorbate, and Monoglycerides” so basically neither fruit nor coffee. Let’s be real though, nobody’s buying this for the taste. This is strictly an #eatingfortheinsta situation. 

Bottom line, people who like this drink probably liked the movie Suicide Squad and dressed up as Harley Quinn for Halloween. The only thing that could save us here is if this is all one big Banksy prank about capitalism, or at the very least a Dumb Starbucks situation. If we really think about it, this is probably our fault in some way. We all used the rainbow Snapchat filters, and now Starbucks is just giving us the Frappuccino version of that. You know what they say, one great Snap Story halfway across the world can have huge affects here at home. They call that shit The Unicorn Effect.