Beach season, bikini season, show-something-other-than-your-ankle-or-wrist season is practically here. For the past couple of months, you’ve been living off a steady routine of Netflix, not shaving your legs, and seasonal depression. You’ve also avoided the gym (“it’s to cold to go out!”) and kept your refrigerator full of all the winter foods (ice cream) which you can def attribute to adding an extra layer of warm, bubbly fat that is keeping you from going bathing suit shopping just yet. Sadly, it’s almost May, meaning that now it’s do or die time as far as summer bodies go. Your coworkers have probably already started their carb-free diet weeks (you know this because they won’t stop fucking talking about it), so you’ve got to get your shit together unless you want to look around one summer Friday and realize that you’re the only person who is still afraid to wear shorts. If you need to lose the winter weight like, yesterday, cut these foods from your diet right fucking now:
1. Soda & Sports Drinks
If you heart sugar and carbonation, chances are you indulge in a Diet Coke um, every day. knock it off. Sugar is empty calories, and calories equal a fine mesh of chub along your thighs. If you MUST have something carbonated, try a little sparkling water with a splash of fresh lime juice. As far as sports drinks like Gatorade are concerned, skip it unless you’re literally dying from your hangover. The sugar and carbs will add inches to your waistline unless you’re like a legit Olympic athlete who needs the extra calories in order to complete a 5 hour workout.
You’re making your salad fat, and that isn’t okay. Croutons are nothing but stale bread soaked in oil and spices, then baked. We have long held that carbs are evil, and now you’re ruining a perfectly good salad with these little monsters. OF COURSE they’re delicious—but on your salad they do not belong if you want to lose some serious pounds. You can have like, one as a reward.
3. Bottled Salad Dressing.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Buying salad dressing is incredibly lazy. They’re usually pumped full of sugar, added fat, and calories. Buy a mason jar and mix up minced onion, minced garlic, extra virgin olive oil, Italian seasoning, and good balsamic. That shit will taste better than any calorie bomb you’re squeezing out of a shelf stable bottle and you’ll look like a literal sous chef when you casually reveal to literally anyone who will listen that you “make your own salad dressing.”
4. Whipped Cream
I know you got the skinny latte with whip and you’re feeling pretty fetch right now, but you shouldn’t. Whipped cream is fun for one-time sex role play and that’s it. It shouldn’t have a sacred space in your breakfast and caffeine routine because it a) literally adds no nutrients, b) literally adds calories, and c) will literally result in a sugar crash later. Keep this shit where it belongs: on a giant ice cream sundae which you can have exactly once every six months.
5. Pasta & White Rice
Again with the carbs. If you’re trying to seriously drop the pounds but adore pasta and rice, get a measuring cup. This is your new bff. Measure out ¼ cup of either rice or pasta and boom, that’s all you get. There’s nothing that nutritionally interesting or valuable to either of these things—they just fill you up and are easy to cook without totally fucking it up. Try using spinach or riced cauliflower in place of either of these.
Unless your smoothie is a combo of spinach, plain Greek yogurt, and a handful of strawberries, your smoothie is probably adding extra sugar and fat. Fun fact: a 32 oz smoothie can have 800 calories or more. Skip this shit or make it yourself. This goes double for unicorn frappuccinos, which are only magical in the sense that they will magically add 15 pounds to your body.
7. Combo Yogurts
What do we mean by combo yogurt? We mean yogurt you can either buy with fruit on the bottom, or cute container attachments of nuts/granola/fruit/preserves/literally just cubes of sugar. If you’re trying to be healthy, you need to march your ass to the store, get a contained of GREEK WHOLE FAT PLAIN YOGURT and that’s fucking it. Making your yogurt into a dessert will make your thighs into inflatable pool animals. Sugar content and additives have made it shitty and worse for you than Count Chocula. If you’re serious about losing weight, skip it.
There comes a time in every betch’s life when instead of actually breaking and baking the cookies from the refrigerated log, she just digs into the cookie dough with a spoon—and you’re lying if you say you’ve never done this. I mean, this is literally the reason Dō exists and has a 3-hour line that wraps around the block.
In case your mom didn’t
If you must eat a package or bowl of cookie dough, make it yourself, sans salmonella or 3-hour line. We have the technology, if you can call it that. What a time to be alive.
- 2 cups of all-purpose flour
- 1 cup dark brown sugar
- 1 cup butter, unsalted, softened
- 2 tbsps whole milk
- 2 tsps vanilla
- 1 tsp salt
- 2/3 cup chocolate chips or chocolate chunks
Time to get our shame-eating on. First, put on sweatpants, remove all makeup, and put hair in your 90s scruncie.
Next, preheat the oven to 350F. This next part is gonna sound weird, but trust us: take the flour and spread it out on a baking sheet. Bake it for 5 minutes. This will make the flour taste less, well, like baby powder and more like, um, slightly browned baking stuff.
Next, beat the flour in a large bowl with the sugar, butter, milk, vanilla, and salt. Once the mixture is combined, add in your chocolate chips or chunks. EAT WITH A SPOON. Try not to think about the life choices that have led you to this point.
When it comes to throwing shade, we’re obv on board. Being able to secretly be a bitch or hate someone without them knowing is like, the rules of feminism. But when it comes to our food choices being shadily unhealthy and betraying our trust, it’s not cute. So we’re here to tell you which foods have been lying to you and masquerading as health foods when they’re secretly junk food (or really, not-so-secretly since it’s on the nutrition label).
“Not all yogurts!” you scream at your computer. Fine, bitch, but understand that pretty much almost all flavored yogurts (or the ones with those super cute flippy lids) are FULL OF SUGAR. Not just like “oh I’m cheating and having a jelly bean teehee!” amounts of sugar. We’re talking full blown this-is-your-sugar-intake-limit-for-the-day amounts. You best be opting for full-fat unflavored Greek yogurt if you need a fix. Top it with whatever you want —shit, add 3 tablespoons of sugar to it and you’ll essentially have one of those fucking Chobani flips.
2. Caesar Salad
A question we often ask ourselves: “If it contains bread and cheese, is it still a salad?” The answer is yes, but just because something fits a definition, it doesn’t mean it belongs in and around your mouth. This ESPECIALLY applies to a Caesar fucking salad. On every menu literally everywhere and ALWAYS seemingly a safe choice, the average Caesar salad includes creamy dressing, a lot of cheese, and bread baked in a concoction of more cheese and oil. Look at the facts: The Caesar salad was created in Tijuana, tequila shot capitol of the world, because the kitchen ran out of normal shit and Mr. Caesar (literally his name) needed to serve some Hollywood bitches SOMETHING. Also, it was a finger food, which INSTANTLY ranks it on our list of unhealthy shit. Mozzarella sticks, chicken wings, pizza rolls—I think I’ve made my point. Aside from celery sticks, almost NOTHING you can hold and eat is under 500 calories. Next.
Sprinkling granola on your Greek yogurt parfait makes you feel skinny and chic, but you wouldn’t feel so adorable if you knew that most granolas are full of sugar and fat. How? Because that’s literally how they’re made. You take oats or some other fucking grain you find in bulk at whole foods, mix it with fair trade, organic, non-animal-endangering sugar, butter or honey, nuts, and bake it. Yeah. Let that sink in. That shit is practically candy. Same goes for granola bars, which require EVEN MORE sugar and sticky shit so they can be formed into the perfect rectangle. Don’t buy into your hippie liberal douche friend’s hype: Granola is not healthy.
“Breakfast is the most important meal of the day”—not if you’re scarfing down chocolate sugar puffs in a sea of fat-laden milk. Honestly, if you MUST have cereal, we require you either a) be hungover; b) are eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch —the only acceptable cereal; or c) are a child under the age of 9. None of those are health reasons, but unless you’re eating GrapeNuts, you’re popping calories like pills anyway. Slather some sad butter on your sad toast or squint at the sourness of a grapefruit and accept adulthood.
This shouldn’t come as a fucking surprise, but potatoes suck. Honestly, how are they even considered a vegetable? Based on the US’s ability to name pizza a vegetable and vote a literal human Cheeto into office, I guess we shouldn’t be surprised, but still. Regular white potatoes have like, literally no health benefits. If you MUST partake in a potato, make it a sweet potato. At least you can pass off the carby starch mine with vitamin benefits.
You come to work sippin’ on your green smoothie and, having just come from cycling class, you’re officially allowed to look down on everyone else. Too bad, so sad—that shit is full of fat. Despite having a fuckload of fruit, those same fruit juices host tons of calories and sugar and no fucking fiber. Plus, your smoothie probably has DING DING DING YOGURT to help fill you up. Do us a favor: go buy a Vitamix and blend a smoothie made of spinach, avocado, and green grapes. Thin it with water. Then, you’ll have a borderline healthy smoothie. Will it taste good? Um, no, but healthy shit usually doesn’t.
7. Diet Soda
Feel free to crucify me in the comments, but if you’re still drinking soda—diet or not—you’ll probs get fat and/or cancer, we assume. IT ISN’T GOOD FOR YOU. Start drinking fizzy water instead. We know it’s harder than weaning yourself off drugs (probably), but, really, your skin, thighs, and overall health will thank you.
8. Dried Fruit
Whether you’re trying to get un-hooked from jelly beans or need help pooping, dry fruit always seems like a healthy option. NOT FUCKING TRUE. A handful of dried banana chips or dried cranberries have the same amount of sugar as a lot of candy. So, like, you may as well just eat the jelly beans. Or, buy a dehydrator and make your own dried fruit, sans added sugars.