Well, the inevitable has happened. As I write this, upwards of 100 universities and colleges have closed nationwide, including my own school, Tulane University. Due to my lack of ability to process emotions, I will be treating this horrible news the same way our government is handling Covid-19: by totally ignoring it until it is way too late and the situation grows beyond our capacity to control it.
Well, I am here reporting live from Tulane less than 48 hours after our school closed to share a little bit about what’s happening down here.
The Initial Shock
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Over the past week, professors have been preparing for the potential move to online classes. Still, it wasn’t until late afternoon when the school made the announcement. Since we got this news, all hell has broken loose. Seriously, as my roommate said while we were drinking away our stress last night: “this is literally Apocalypse Now.”
My friend and I were walking past a bar near campus on our way to the gym like the #fitbitches we are when the email got sent out, and we heard a collective cheer. As we continued walking across campus, almost every single student we saw was on their phone, probably with their parents freaking out about their non-refundable Cabo spring break flights.
On the way back from the gym, again, because Corona can’t stop the grind, the crowd outside the bar tripled in size.
So, Do We Leave?
We were told that on-campus residents had a week to pack up their stuff and be out of their dorms. While some colleges (*cough* Harvard *cough*) are kicking students off-campus with no consideration of potential unsafe family situations or homelessness, Tulane has offered to find alternative solutions for students who cannot leave school for whatever reason. Note: “I don’t want to be around my family because they’re going to ask me about my job prospects” does not count… but thanks for trying!
For juniors and seniors, most of us are deciding whether we should stay in New Orleans or leave. Even though some people literally couldn’t get out of here fast enough, most of my friends are taking our sweet time and treating this like an extended spring break. Seriously, if I’m going to be stuck somewhere, I’d much rather be in New Orleans than f*cking Ohio.
A large portion of Tulane’s student body is from California and New York and other areas that are impacted by the virus. I am from Cleveland, which has recently started confirming more and more cases, so I’m in no rush to get on a flying germ tube plane.
What About School?
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Obviously, classes are everyone’s biggest concern. Seniors especially are worried about their graduation time being affected by the closure, and most of the people I know share similar worries. However, at most schools, classes are moving to online platforms like Zoom.
I don’t know anything about stocks, and I’m pretty sure the market is doing, like, really badly. Still, I’d def consider buying stock in Zoom because the whole country is about to start using it. Zoom is fine aside from the people who forget to mute themselves and say dumb sh*t into their mics or the frat boys who keep their cameras on and are clearly not wearing pants/drinking a F*CKING CORONA BEER ON CAMERA. Chad in my Stat lab, I’m talking about you.
The issue with this technology that many people are concerned about (aside from the fact that I’m too dumb to figure out time zones) is that not all people have laptops or WIFI at home. While technology is a given on college campuses thanks to libraries and university-wide WIFI, this sadly isn’t universal outside of academic spaces. So once again, students from disadvantaged backgrounds are going to be hit harder by the cancelations.
To cite my roommate one more time: “my mom isn’t really concerned about anything other than me remaining ‘diligent’ about online classes.” Obviously, she will continue being the star student she always is and will never ever even think about skipping a (zoom) class.
Now That People Are ~Starting~ To Calm Down
Of course, it’s tough to be logical and rational in times like these. As we know, because we aren’t totally stupid, the only thing freaking out does is add to hysteria and make literally every situation worse. I’m not saying that my initial reaction wasn’t to be upset because I was, like, just asked to a frat formal and bought a dress. I’m also not not saying that. (LOL: he’s going to read this for sure. What’s up, dude?)
Yeah—it’s a bummer that I won’t get to wear the pink bodycon dress I bought for formal, but my health (and the health of others) is clearly more important than how good I was going to look. Once we got past the initial hysteria/excitement/urge to get drunk, it became clear that this obviously was for the best for the school as a whole.
In the past 24 hours, things have somewhat calmed down, but the energy on campus is mad weird. In all honestly, this is a great way to figure out who loves school. All of the freshmen posting Instagram slides about leaving may be annoying, but it’s kinda cute that they love their friends and school so much.
The sophomores are really struggling. Tulane is a big “go abroad in the fall” school, and many of the sophomores don’t know the next time they’ll see their BFFs, or if they’ll be able to go abroad at all. My heart honestly goes out to all of the 19-year-old girls whose senior boyfriends are breaking up with them now instead of in May. At least they’re saving themselves from aging 10 years while they stress about his shady behavior over spring break.
But the seniors have it the worst. The campus has been filled with girls taking selfies of them crying about their last ever college class, and like, I feel for them! There’s a lot of uncertainty, and they’re losing their senior spring. Thank f*ck that’s not me.
As a junior, I’m pretty much chilling for as long as I can avoid going home.
In all seriousness, I’m so lucky to go to a school that is handling this sh*t relatively well and that I have a home to go back to when things starts getting really bad. Until then, we are trying to stay as safe and blackout as possible. And, as a reminder, I promise, those gross frat houses are waiting for everyone come syllabus week in the fall.
Images: Scott Webb / Instagram; offcampus / Instagram (2)
There are only a few things I truly, genuinely love in this world. One of which is money. I f*cking love money! Maybe that’s why I’m a finance major, despite a continuous history of despising any form of math. Even if you are not money-obsessed like me, I’m sure we both want the same thing: financial security. In college, you want to feel at least somewhat capable of funding your nights out, your Postmates deliveries, and general miscellaneous things that pop up. This doesn’t even include, you know, like, your education itself, or textbooks (barf). So I am here as a personal Jordan Belfort, per se, to tell you how to be not be a broke-ass b*tch for the duration of your schooling. I know he’s a stockbroker, and not necessarily an advisor, but just go with it.
Formulate a budget
Please, please, hear me out. I know this sounds like literal hell, but trust me, it makes a difference. I don’t mean you have to make a spreadsheet or comb through your bank statements. You barely have to do any work if you use budgeting apps like Mint or Pocketguard, which allow you to connect the app to your card and see a variety of statistics on where you’re spending your money. Setting a budget will allow you to account for what you’re spending the most on and your overall patterns, and you can only improve your spending when you have a knowledge of its current status. Like, you might think you only spend $100 per month on going out (LMAO), but once you see the hard numbers, it’s a lot harder to lie to yourself. I know you fellow online shopping
addicts lovers have all your credit card information memorized, so let’s put that sh*t to good use for once.
Do not pay full price for niche items or one-time wears
There will be a ton of date parties, dances, and other occasions that you will most likely have to buy stupid sh*t for. Scouring the internet for the cheapest pair of pink cowboy boots might not seem like the most fun use of your time, but a bit of planning and searching when it comes to niche items can save you a ton of money. I am literally giving you a justification to online shop instead of doing homework, so take it! I save money on random clothes by taking advantage of student discounts and using resale websites like Poshmark. I know what you make be thinking, “student discounts for students, groundbreaking.” But there are a lot of programs and/or stores that give you a discount for putting yourself through four years of distress, and all you have to do is ask! Obvious ones include ASOS, TopShop, and Amazon’s student Prime membership, but even Outdoor Voices is now offering an expansive student perk program. Like, sorry, but you don’t need designer go-go boots for your 70s theme party. Go to a cheap store with student discounts or buy used ones.
Have the money conversation
Sometimes the thing that costs us the most is our aversion to any form of an uncomfortable conversation *hits blunt.* The reality is that as you make new friends and meet new people, your financial expectations and ideas of money are simply not always going to match up. This can go both ways and can encompass a ton of things. However, if you are feeling financially stretched, I guarantee you another person in your group is as well. Are you guys all going to split Ubers? Does everyone purchase their own alcohol for pregames or do you all split it? It’s especially important to talk about money with your friends if you’re planning any trips for Spring Break or any other occasion. Differences in travel expectations can create huge rifts within the group. It’s important to address things relating to money so you don’t end up angrily staring at an excessive Venmo charge, or worse, have some bitch ignore your passive-aggressive Venmo request.
Use investing apps
I understand this is technically more long-term, but it is still a great way to lay a foundation for financial independence later on. And don’t get freaked out by how old-fashioned that sentence sounded. Investing apps may sound scary, but they take virtually no skill at all and could probably be utilized by a blind dog. If you spend a lot of money on your debit card, Acorns is a perfect passive investing app that leaves little room for you to f*ck anything up. Acorns rounds up any purchase you make to the next dollar and invests it in things called Exchange Traded Funds (ETFs). ETFs are are pretty much the Jennifer Aniston of investments: they’ve only grown in popularity since the 90s and are pretty unproblematic, but not crazy exciting. Acorns usually charges a small fee for use, but people under 24 and in college can use it for free.
If you’re more into having control over what exact investments your money touches, Robinhood allows you to buy and sell stocks without the trading charges you normally have on other large platforms. Again, investing is more of a long-term flex, and you’ll most likely not make any notable amounts of cash to use immediately this way, but if you somehow figure out the next Big Short on a millennial investing app, call me. It’s only fair.
Consider setting up a separate savings for an emergency fund/study abroad
I like my money how I like my carbs: just out of reach. If you have a borderline concerning lack of self-control (guilty as charged!), consider opening up a separate savings/debit account to put money into that you’ll only use for a specific purpose. I did this when I got to school, and many banks don’t charge you to open a new account. I’m going abroad this year, so I’ve been dedicating a portion of each of my paychecks to go toward my separate account, and I don’t let myself touch it at all. This is painful in the moment, as I’d love to keep a little extra money to spend on everyday sh*t, but I also really want to be able to flex on hoes this semester with my study abroad posts. Again, this is a priority for me, but it may not be the same for you, so personalize as you wish.
Hopefully my basic knowledge and inflated ego helped you realize you can still buy the sh*t you want while also being smart with your money. If you’re going to destroy your body with ungodly amounts of stress, sleep, and drinking, you might as well be financially healthy.
Images: Sharon McCutcheon / Unsplash; Giphy (3)
“Broke college student” is a stereotype for a reason. Many of us don’t have jobs, or if we do, we’re being paid minimum wage. Tuition, books, room and board, and everything else
our parents we have to pay for are f*cking expensive. But there’s good news, too. College students are the future. The tremendous power we hold can and should be exploited! Brands know this, and companies view universities as the perfect test market, a place of young tastemakers whose opinions matter. We are as relevant as we’ll ever be in college, and it’s up to us to take advantage of that. And that means finessing as much free sh*t as we possibly can before our powerful student status runs out. If you’re wondering how your friend with under 1,000 followers is able to post #ad on her latest Instagram, or simply looking to save money, here are six ways to make money and get things for free in college.
1. Become A Campus Brand Ambassador
The days of being an unrealistically hot Instagram model in order to be an ambassador are long behind us. Today, the standard for entry is lower—MUCH lower. Companies are on the quest of gaining brand awareness. They’re increasingly willing to pay or give free sh*t to students to be campus representatives. Free bar tabs, merchandise, and even food can be major perks that come with being a rep. Your feed is probably sprinkled with
subtle yellow Bumble hats, #Beanoutsider, and #Aeriereal captions. However you choose to embark on your ambassador career, make the most of it! Becoming an ambassador is as easy as sliding in a brand’s DMs on Instagram or applying to be part of the ambassador directly through their website.
2. Be A Notetaker
Are you literate? Do you attend classes? Do you have a laptop? If you answered yes to these three questions, which I sure hope you did, you’re qualified to be a notetaker! By being a student notetaker, you can make hundreds of dollars for your class notes by the end of the semester. Make money for something you would be doing anyway! Whether it’s through an academic center to help someone who is actually unable to take notes, or a
dumb rich douche who doesn’t show up to class—money is money! There are general platforms, like OneClass, that let you apply to online, or you can reach out to your campus’s version of the Student Accessibility Services Department to see which classes are in need of notetakers.
3. Join A Research Study
I’m not talking about a Stanford Prison-type experiment. You won’t be locked up by some power-hungry fraternity dude or forced to do anything that requires crazy bodily commitment. I mean you can volunteer to be a test subject for various surveys and in-person studies on campus. Often times you can find out about these studies via flyers posted around campus hubs or by simply searching online for “research opportunities” at your university.
There are some really low-key research studies, and some are actually pretty fun. Payment for participation varies depending on the study and level of commitment. But honestly, any added value to your college bank account is worth it. For example, I made $300 just for talking about my feelings for two hours. It was like the therapist was paying ME for once. Win-win!
4. Pocket Points
Sitting in class. Texting your ex retracting the drunken Snapchats you sent. Making eye contact with the professor every few minutes to make it seem like you’re paying attention. Typical lecture behavior.
We’ve all done it, but if every few classes you feel guilty for having learned nothing, you’re in luck. Pocket points is an app that gives you rewards for turning your phone off during class. You just have to open the app while you’re on campus, then lock your phone. A few hours of actually paying attention and you can earn points. Points can be redeemed at a variety of local stores, restaurants, and even Lyft. What’s better motivation than that?
5. Student Discounts
Beyond a great education, the second most valuable thing your tuition gets you is a little plastic card, aka your student ID. Not only is your ID a lifeline to school, it also often gets you at least 10 percent off at salons, clothing stores, restaurants—you get my drift. You’ll either have to flash the merchant your student ID, enter a student email, or login through UNiDAYS to get the deals. But seriously, a sh*t-ton of places offer student discounts, you just have to do a little digging to find them. Hoooowever, since you didn’t read this whole thing to be shortchanged on intel, here’s some places I know off-hand* that give student discounts:
Clothes: Madewell, J. Crew, Steve Madden, Urban Outfitters, Toms, H&M, ASOS
Workout: Corepower Yoga, SoulCycle
Media: Wall Street Journal, New York Times
Tech: HBO, Apple Music, Spotify, Adobe Software, Amazon Prime
Transportation: Student Universe, Amtrak
Food: Dairy Queen, Arby’s, Chipotle, Buffalo Wild Wings
*Sometimes, participation may vary by location, but I haven’t had any problems with this list thus far!
As you can see, student status presents a multitude of opportunities for capitalization! Be creative, think outside the box, and reach out to random brands you love. Hell, maybe become an ~elusive~ female club promoter. Society values
its ability to exploit youth and for the next four years, we’re here to provide it.
Images: Joel Mott / Unsplash; Giphy (2)
Whether you’re a bright-eyed freshman, have switched your major three times so far this semester, or you’re a junior and somehow still not quite sure what you want to study, let me assure you that the major you pick will impact your entire life in a pretty big way. Freshmen especially, listen up: your major also plays a big part in who your friends will be, what your college experience will feel like, and how other students perceive you. Will it matter after you graduate in terms of getting jobs? Not one bit. But it will affect your social life, which is the most important part of college, obviously.
Your major is also extremely important because if you’re gonna be hungover in your 8am, you might as well enjoy the other 200 people in the lecture and have some interest in the class material you’re so desperately trying to retain. For those of us not sitting in that lecture hall (we stop making that mistake after one semester), and eager freshmen alike, here’s what your major says about you.
Accounting And/Or Finance
I hooked up with a guy with this major who freaked out at me when I asked what made his major so hard. Apparently asking him how entering numbers into a spreadsheet qualified as a legitimate course of study wasn’t the most supportive thing to do in that moment, but whatever.
If you’re majoring in Accounting or Finance, you’re probably super ambitious and a douchebag on the side. Honestly, I don’t doubt you’re better at money management than me, so please hit me up if you want to teach me how to save money or if you know what the f*ck a 401(k) is.
Looking into the future, you’re probably super pumped for the Wall Street summer internship your sister’s boyfriend promised to score for you, but spoiler alert: you’re really doing coffee runs and won’t see any daylight, so have fun with that, sweetheart! You’re likely planning on being the betchy version of Jordan Belfort (you know, without all those legal issues and hopefully no quaaludes) but in reality, you’re looking at a sh*t ton of time spent networking with your dad’s friends.
Basically, if you’re delving into a business school major, be prepared to both work and schmooze your ass off each year to get ahead of the rest of your class. Unless of course, you quit after freshman year to become a comm major. No shade.
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It’s bizarre to me that econ majors and business majors have beef. Guess what? You’re all smart, you’re all annoying as hell, and you’re all equally as likely to either fail miserably or become the next Bill Gates!! You watch Bloomberg and read The Wall Street Journal while scrolling through that weird stock app I can’t delete from my iPhone. Obviously, you can also recite the entirety of The Big Short from memory.
I wouldn’t call myself an econ expert, so I’m not really positive how people actually apply their economics degree post-grad. You’re probably planning on going to even more school and becoming a professor or one of those
try-hard ~cool~ high school econ teachers or something.
Due to the interesting state of America today, these students are multiplying overnight. Poli-sci students tend to fall on opposite ends of the ideological spectrum. Whether sporting MAGA hats with no shame or constantly skipping classes to protest whatever dumb sh*t came out of the White House this week, poli-sci wins as the most entertaining spectator sport.
If you have absolutely zero chill, did Speech and Debate in high school, and enjoy starting sh*t with your friends, this is the perfect major for you! You get a thrill from causing fights after four vodka sodas, especially when the bartender tries charging you $9 for the fifth. Just remember, “God Brad, don’t you realize you’re contributing to capitalist oppression!?” isn’t as good of an argument as you think when you’re slurring your words… especially when the bartender’s name is actually Ryan.
If this is your major, you’re probably planning on going to law school and becoming the next Liz Warren or RBG (good luck). Just remember, we can’t all be Elle Woods, but it doesn’t hurt to try.
Comm classes are the 21st century version of Noah’s f*cking Ark. Seriously, where else can you find a clueless fifth-year senior, a hungover VSCO girl, and a future Pulitzer Prize winner learning the same thing?
If you’re a comm major, you’re either constantly asking your friend which filter matches your Insta feed aesthetic or talking about the depressing state of journalism today. Comm majors are constantly posting on social media, remain the go-to friend for caption ideas, and daydream of comparisons to Walter Cronkite as you host your own MSNBC (or Fox News) show.
In any case, your parents are paying a sh*t-ton for you to spend four years lazily plagiarizing Wikipedia articles about famous journalists to graduate with a fairly limited amount of hard skills. Congrats.
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If you’re uptight, a stoner, and have a bit of a superiority complex, philosophy is the perfect major for you.
When you come home for the holidays and your family asks about school, some of them shake their heads in disappointment, some of them have no further questions, and there’s a good chance your uncle will start an argument with you about Descartes’ theory of the self.
I’m minoring in philosophy and TBH I’m not even really sure what else there is to do with a philosophy degree aside from becoming a professor or marrying rich.
literally no one:
musical theater kids: https://t.co/PwPukUbzt5
— sadie (@sadieoleary) November 27, 2018
These are the students you hear belting everything from Phantom of the Opera to Wicked to Mean Girls in the communal bathroom. Theatre kids are basically real-life versions of the cast of Glee (during those awkward seasons that followed them to college).
If you’re overdramatic, kind of narcissistic, and not completely tone-deaf, a theatre major will feel like home. You probably continued taking dance classes and doing community theatre loooong after your friends outgrew their second-grade tutus.
When you aren’t loudly singing in your dorm during midterms (please quiet the f*ck down, practice rooms exist for a reason), you’re inviting your entire Facebook friends list to the event for your upcoming class performance of Guys and Dolls. You’ll most likely move to New York or LA after graduation and spend the foreseeable future in endless auditions. Good luck with that—the whole world’s your stage, betch!
I know, I know, these majors are actually really different, but they both, like, do math and build a lot of stuff so they’re grouped together in my mind.
The only real interaction I’ve had with an architecture student is the time I wasn’t watching where I was walking and almost knocked their model building over. Architecture and engineering both seem really challenging, and since I’ve never met either type of student, I can only assume they spend even more time studying than pre-med students.
If you’re studying one of these subjects, you probably played with Legos until you were 17 and did really well in subjects like geometry and physics. Since so much of your time is spent studying and building stuff, you’d better hope you can at least tolerate your classmates. From what I’ve heard, engineering and architecture students “like, basically live in lab/studio,” so you have to be cool with becoming a hermit.
Everything I know about architecture is based on Ted Mosby (so I wouldn’t exactly call myself the most credible source on this one), but maybe you’re aspiring to design a skyscraper in NYC one day! We love #betchesinSTEM.
While this isn’t technically an actual major, it might as well be. I’m not quite sure what pre-med students even learn about or how they do it, but anyone who has enough motivation to make it through a semester (or two) of organic chem is a better person than me.
You probably picked your major after binging Grey’s Anatomy for the first time. If you’re in pre-med, you have to be very patient (lol). You can expect to spend countless hours in labs and in the library. When you finally surface from the black hole of studying to go out, you’ll get stuck with whoever ends up puking, because “med school.” Your friends will probably treat you like f*cking WebMD any time they have a weird sneezing fit and tell you vivid details of alllll of their symptoms when they think they have a UTI.
Pre-med students should look forward to pretty much spending the rest of their young lives in school and residencies before finally starting to make enough money to pull themselves out of student debt.
If you’re just as smart as your pre-med friends (but with more people skills) and aren’t into the idea of a decade of school and a ton of student debt, you should consider nursing! You get to take a bunch of science classes, learn all about medicines and the minor difference between them, and in my experience, nurses are a hell of a lot more fun to be around and they get cooler scrubs. Then when you graduate, you get to do a bunch of the same stuff doctors do, only you get way less credit, are paid less, and treated worse! Exciting!
Spoiler Alert: Getting a 5 on your AP psych class does NOT mean you’ll automatically be good at college psych, trust me.
If you’re majoring in psychology, you’re probably not into letting your friend use Mercury in Retrograde as a reason to justify hooking up with their ex. It’s more likely that you’ll end up psychoanalyzing how their repressed experiences cause low self-esteem (which is such a buzzkill).
While some people who graduate with a psych major end up doing something totally unrelated, a lot of psych majors are truly doing the Lord’s work and making bank for it. Who else is willing to listen to the problems of bougie millennials and suburban moms whose kids have left for college?
What’s good, future Ms. Frizzle? Education majors often get a bad rap, but we all know that teaching is literally one of the most important professions ever.
Education programs are home to washed-up camp counselors, patient saints, and future trophy wives alike. If you can tolerate anyone from children to pretentious sorority girls, like coloring, and basically own stock in Michael’s and OfficeMax for all the money you spend on school supplies, this is the field for you.
Who knows, you might go on to be a kick-ass teacher and change some lives, Dead Poets Society style. If so, try reeeeally hard not to be one of those assholes who takes a full school year to grade papers because if it’s not abundantly clear by the 15 emails you’ve gotten asking for an update, students hate that sh*t.
There are literally hundreds of majors (and minors) you can choose to study, and this list just scratches the surface. If you’ve somehow gone through the whole course catalog and still don’t vibe with any of the options, your next steps will probably be to either create an individualized major or re-evaluate if college is actually right for you.
No matter what you decide to do with the next four-plus years of your youth, be prepared to spend at least half of that time pushing your body to its absolute limits in every way: hygiene (yes bitch, you do smell after spending three straight nights in the library), coffee intake (“is six espresso shots too many? I have a final tomorrow”), and stress levels, because you’re in for a wild ride. Good luck.
Images: kaboompics/Pixabay; off campus / Instagram (2); sadieoleary / Twitter
Dating is hard, like really hard, especially when you’re a college student. Even if you’ve found the right person, there are countless obstacles that make having a healthy relationship in college feel almost as challenging as trying to make it to your 8am after a night of binge drinking (almost). It’s easy for even the smallest insecurities about your relationship to get the best of you when you’re living in a literal cesspool of horny college students. You may be too clingy, become the psycho girlfriend you used to make fun of, isolate yourself from your friends (rookie mistake, who else are you gonna bitch to when your relationship ends?), or just assume your S.O. can read your mind. All of these qualities are just asking for relationship drama, so for those of you attempting
the impossible monogamy in college and seem to be failing, here’s a list of reasons why you might feel your relationship’s going to sh*t.
1. You Are *Literally* Inseparable
In high school, spending an hour alone with your boyfriend required sneaking him in the window while your mom was at the grocery store. In college, you have even less of a grasp on the concept of boundaries! The blurred lines of work, play, and close proximity cause many couples to spend every second together. You abandon your interests and other friends to be with each other, even if you were just together earlier that day. Although sacrifice is important in a relationship, a life revolving solely around your boyfriend compromises your independence, and frankly, sounds boring as hell.
When spending time together becomes an obligatory routine, you can kiss the fun in your relationship goodbye, and because you’re so codependent, you’ll stay with each other even if you’re unhappy. At this point, anything sounds better than attempting to rebuild your friend group or having to avoid your ex in social settings, so you blissfully try to ignore the fact that your relationship has reached its expiration date.
2. You Live In a Bubble
Ah the honeymoon phase, the best part of every relationship. Lucky for us, this phase often lasts longer in college because you sleep over at a guy’s place, leave at 4am (without shame), and go to class the next day with no repercussions. We’re living with minimal responsibilities, which makes the initial stages with a guy feel unreal. Unfortunately, as with real honeymoons, this phase has to
crash and burn come to an end at some point. Once he goes home for summer break, decides to go abroad, or you try to introduce him to your parents and he freaks the f*ck out, reality sets in.
Turns out Brad, whose greatest accomplishment is a one-handed keg stand, may not be your perfect match in the real world, and every red f*cking flag about him slowly emerges. The boy you’ve spent three nights in a row sleeping with has never seen you in daylight, you rarely hang out sober or leave campus together, you never go on real dates, he never brings you around his friends, and you don’t have anything in common. You find yourself settling for this relationship (which you’d never put up with after graduation) because it’s college and it’s supposed to be fun. In reality, you need to get your sh*t together and leave him…like yesterday.
3. You Just Want A Relationship
You want the convenience of a consistent f*ck, the comfort of knowing who you end the night with, and to avoid the struggle of taking the kinda-hot-but-creepy guy from the gym to your date party. Basically, you’ll date anything with a pulse. While all of these are totally valid reasons, you’re completely ignoring the fact that you don’t want to be with HIM. Being in a relationship because of how it can serve you without genuinely giving a sh*t about the person you’re dating will not work. If there’s no foundation of love (or even like) in your relationship, you will undoubtedly outgrow one another as you go through college and beyond (especially if this is a freshman year relationship). As Tove Lo said best, “only one d*ck, that’s a bummer,” if you’re putting yourself through a relationship where you don’t love the person attached to the d*ck, it’s time to move on.
4. You Don’t Trust Each Other
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In a place with thousands of young adults in (what they think is) their peak attractiveness and hookup culture setting the norm for romance, it’s no wonder jealousy is an issue. I mean, how do you not freak the f*ck out when Beta has a mixer with Gamma Phi and the girl he made out with once his first week of freshman year is gonna be there!? The answer is trust.
If you are both totally ok with exclusivity and trust each other, then jealousy shouldn’t be an issue. Granted, this isn’t an easy feat when college has us thinking there’s always someone better out there. Unless you’re both 100 percent committed, you’ll resent each other for having never experienced other people in college, so figure your sh*t out and make sure you’re on the same page.
5. You ALWAYS Need Be In Contact
You’re at the pregame, music is blasting, and all your friends are on their 6th tequila shot screaming the lyrics to “Since U Been Gone.” However, you’re not drunk, and you’re not singing Kelly Clarkson, instead you’re in the corner on your phone reassuring your boyfriend your boobs aren’t “too out” tonight. You want to make sure he doesn’t feel forgotten or like you’re having too much fun without him *eye roll.* You’re stressed, you can’t be present in the moment, and you’re pissed he’s monopolizing your time. The expectation to be accessible 24/7 is simply
This goes for social media as well: hundred-day Snapchat streaks with meaningless filters and over-the-top Instagram posts to demonstrate your “commitment” to one another are obvious overcompensating. Oh and btw, no one cares you two kissed on the beach in Miami over spring break.
6. You Don’t Communicate Properly
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Having the “what are we talk” at 1am when you’re beyond drunk and slurring your words while his roommate is throwing up in the background is definitely not the way to jumpstart your relationship. Your drunken alter ego cannot be trusted to perfectly execute the monologue you practiced five times with your girlfriends. Spoiler alert: couples trying to have important conversations, long-winded fights, and professions of love solely while intoxicated or via text will never succeed.
Real communication requires sitting face to face and—yes, soberly—discussing exactly what you need to discuss. You can’t leave the job of communication in his hands alone or vice versa; if you don’t have a clear idea of what you’re trying to get accomplished, he sure as hell won’t either. As a result, your boyfriend/girlfriend will be left entirely in the dark on how you’re feeling and you’ll probably resort to passive-aggressive tactics that will only make things worse.
7. He “Wasn’t Ready”
First of all, if a guy treats you like his girlfriend, wants all the perks that come with it, but says he’s “not ready for anything serious,” you need to drop his ass! Just because you may have reached what you consider “relationship status” does not mean he’ll magically stop using Snapchat as his main method of communication or stop trying to make plans strictly after 10pm. He has difficulty dedicating an entire evening to you when it comes at the cost of missing literally anything else with his friends, and the thought of spending his weed budget on flowers is nauseating. Sure, he might “love u,” but the effort he’s able to put into the relationship right now is dismal. Before you lift your beautifully manicured hand to b*tch slap his face, accept the fact that he just isn’t ready. Raise your standards back up to where they belong and stop wasting your time and energy on him.
8. You Were Long Distance
If couples who live on the same campus can barely master it…I pray for you overachievers tackling the long distance thing. If you’re successful, you’re going to have one hell of a love story to tell.
As you can see, there are a multitude of ways for sh*t to hit the fan with college relationships, but this is not meant to be a pessimistic roast. There are absolutely some cases where people marry their college sweetheart. You may go through multiple of the above issues and come out the other side stronger, you may literally find love in a hopeless place (aka your residence hall), or you may just be looking to go through as many partners as you can in four years. Whether your relationship is on the fritz or you’re in romance heaven, good luck navigating the whirlwind of dating in college.
In light of Loughlin-gate, colleges everywhere are being heavily scrutinized for how they admit students. Which, hi, they should be! I worked for a university’s admissions office for four years, and I was absolutely horrified by what these celebrities were able to get away with. *cue Grandpa voice* In my day, it didn’t f*cking work like that. Or maybe I just wasn’t aware of that part? In any case, if you don’t have rich parents willing to commit fraud, go to prison, and waste a quarter of a million dollars on you because you’re too stupid/lazy to do it the right way, let me help you out. I have some expertise in the area of applying to college that I don’t think a lot of people are aware of. These tips apply to both undergrad and grad school, and even if they don’t work for you, doing these things definitely won’t hurt. Remember, you’re an Elle Woods, who busted her ass to be smart enough for Harvard even though her daddy could have def written her a check. Don’t be an Olivia Jade. Nobody else will tell you these secrets about applying to college—not your guidance counselor, and not one of those giant books that list every stat of every college in the U.S. that your mom forces you to pore over (or was that just my experience applying to college?). Either way, you are welcome.
1. You Need An Edge
Let’s say you did everything right. You studied hard, got good grades, and took standardized tests six f*cking times for the same relative score. (Just me?) The problem is, there are thousands of other people exactly like you who are also applying to college. Same classes, same programs, same grades, etc. So why would they pick you over them? This is where your edge comes in. It used to be enough to have a 4.0 and high test scores, and now that’s somehow the basic standard. So especially if you’re below that threshold, you need something that makes you better/different than those identical kids. For me, it was my artist portfolio, because I went to film school for animation. Grades and test-wise, I was perfectly average for my school, but being a pretty good artist pushed me to be more competitive. If you have no talent in anything (sorry), find something else to do. Do a ton of community service, especially if it’s related to your major. You can help organize some kind of charity event that you can brag about later. It’s even better if it’s relevant to your field. Like, if you’re applying for psychology, maybe volunteer at a clinic, or try to get some research gigs to pad your resume. Whatever it is, try to come up with something that makes you better than average. Your edge can also be that your daddy bought a building (ugh), but let’s hope the school at least cares that your grades are good enough to actually attend the school, too.
2. They Keep Track of Contact
This is a weird one that I’m not sure every school does, but a lot of them do. Plus, it can’t hurt. Schools keep track of how many times you contact them to gauge your interest. It reflects poorly on admissions if they send out a certain number of acceptances and most people choose somewhere else. They really like to say sh*t like, “Oooh sorry, we only have a acceptance rate.” Whatever. Anyway, they are way more likely to accept you if you seem super stoked to go there and are, in their eyes, a guaranteed acceptance. This is why you have a way better chance of getting in (it’s like 30% higher) as an early decision or early action applicant. Early decision means it’s binding (if they accept you, you have to go) so only do this for your top choice, but early action means you still get to choose, so apply early to every school that offers it. In addition, contact them as often as you can without making it weird. You have to have legit reasons. Email admissions and tell them this is your first choice school if it is. Use all of your stalking skills for good (for once) to contact the head of your program. Tell them how much you want to be there for specific reasons (that you then list out). Go on a tour at the campus. Set up an interview if possible. Anything that is attached to your name will be logged, and this can very much be your “edge” when it comes down to you and an identical student. You showed more interest than Generic Good Students A-Z, so hopefully they’ll cancel each other out.
3. You Can Go Straight To Professors
Furthermore, stalking your future professors can also count as contact. But again, like, respect their privacy and don’t be creepy about it. What I mean is if you really want to go to this school, figure out who will be teaching you in whatever department you think you might want to major or take classes in. Did one of the head professors write a book? Read that f*cking book and email them about how much you loved it, and you can’t wait to learn from them for these reasons, and you’ll be applying in Fall 2019 so please look out for you. Did a professor work on one of your favorite movies? Same thing. Ask if they have tips for your portfolio for your application. No one does this, so they’ll probably be flattered and forward your email to the department head/admissions committee with a recommendation. If they never respond, no big deal, it didn’t do any harm. Unless of course you called their personal cell phone or showed up at their home. Don’t do that.
In all seriousness, though, cold emailing people is a useful skill you should start learning before college, because you have to do the same sh*t for jobs in the real world, only then they call it “networking”. The sooner you start practicing, the better you’ll get at it.
4. They Check How Dumb Your School Was
This one I found both funny and offensive. Admissions offices weigh your GPA based on how well your previous school is ranked, similar to how you get a weighted credit by taking an AP class. I went to an okay public school, where I graduated with a 3.8 GPA. My friend got into the same college as me with a 3.0. I was like, um, why and how? It’s because he went to a highly ranked college prep boarding school in Connecticut or some sh*t. His 3.0 was weighed higher than my 3.8, because I went to a dumb school and he went to a very rigorous program. This is important to know, especially when you’re up against identical students with perfect grades from better schools. If your current school is not ranked super high, your grades need to be even better, and you’ll need that edge even more. Don’t be discouraged, though. I turned out fine, and I still don’t even know basic geography.
Hopefully these tips will help you out before you start sending out applications! It’s never too early to start contacting people and planting those seeds. Do you have any more advice to people applying to school? Let me know your secrets in the comments!
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