I really thought the world was working towards becoming a better place in 2018. I mean, Oprah’s like basically our president now and Bring it On is on Netflix. It’s less than two weeks into the New Year, and this year is already exceeding my (ridiculous low) expectations. Except, I do have one serious bone to pick with 2018, and that’s the fact that we’re still letting ridiculous jean trends happen.
Even though I clearly told you guys to leave stupid jeans behind in 2017, the trend obviously isn’t slowing down anytime soon. Which is like, pretty shocking because I really thought that my sarcastic vaguely fashion-related ramblings really had a serious reach. Anyway, ASOS just rolled out the dumbest effing jeans I’ve ever laid eyes on, and I genuinely believe these are the worst ones yet. (And yes, I’ve seen those thong jeans.) These are so heinous that I wouldn’t even be into them if Rihanna wore them.
I have a lot of questions. The first, most obvious one is what the fuck? I’m not really sure what look is trying to be achieved here, other than “I may be down for some casual butt stuff,” but my first impression is that someone tried to resurrect an Abercrombie denim mini skirt by handcuffing it to some pants legs.
Secondly, why are these crotchless? What kind of underwear are you supposed to wear with these? I’ve finally warmed up to the idea of letting a Calvin Klein waistband sit over the top of your jeans, but this feels like we’ve lost all control of the human race. Am I weird for wondering if these are easier or more difficult to go to the bathroom in that regular jeans would be?
These jeans are apparently reworked Levi’s. They’re $119, which, at the risk of sounding like every uncle making fun of his niece’s ripped jeans, feels kind of steep for a pair of pants that literally shows your entire ass.
To be totally transparent, I will admit that in a moment when I’d obviously entered a questionable headspace, I did buy a pair of jeans similar to these from Forever 21. I know, I know. But, they don’t show my butt, crotch or any other body part that could potentially get me arrested for public indecency. I did try to track them down online to defend myself so you could buy them, too, but because Forever 21 is a total shit show, I can’t track them down. If you want them, you’re going to have to do it the old fashioned way and rip through dozens of racks of clothes that look promising but actually have “no fuckboys allowed” or french fries embroidered on the front.
If ever there was a pair of jeans so hideous they make you question the existence of a loving god, it would be Topshop’s new mom jeans. I’ve learned to tolerate your average high-waisted, light wash jeans out of sheer necessity because otherwise I would have clawed my eyes out a long time ago, and I don’t want to mess up my nails like that. But this particular pair? Is an abomination.
Their name says it all—“Clear Panel Mom Jeans.” I repeat. Clear. Panel. Mom. Jeans.
The most heinous part of this heinous article of clothing is clearly the plastic windows offering a peek at the wearer’s kneecaps for some unfathomable reason. Are kneecaps supposed to be the new sexy body part? Because most people’s are just kind of knobby.
But the madness doesn’t stop there. The jeans are also acid wash—ugh—and super high-waisted—double ugh—and they’re cropped to the exact length it takes to create the illusion of cankles.
Oh, and they’re $95, which makes sense considering only hipsters with a poor grasp of irony and the weight of a trust fund behind them would think about buying these. Needless to say, Twitter did what it does best and roundly mocked the jeans’ very existence.
Between plastic mom jeans and all Lisa Frank everything, I have to say 2017 fashion is a huge disappointment so far. Excuse me while I slip into a pair of my own mom jeans and take away its TV privileges for a week.