I’ll be the first person to admit that I know next to nothing about fashion. All I wear are variations of crop tops and high waisted bottoms (quarantine looks notwithstanding), and I basically never sign onto a trend until I’ve seen it at every music festival (RIP) and I can no longer pretend it’s too impractical to be worn. So maybe I’m not the right person to be writing this article, or maybe I’m the exact perfect person to write it. In any case, I’m here to comment on an extremely puzzling choice by Lululemon, so that’s that. While I may not be on the cutting edge of the latest fashion trends, I’m not the only person who was straight-up bewildered by this Lululemon dress, that looks sort of like something you might find in the halls of Hogwarts or on a Handmaid, because it’s getting absolutely clowned in the reviews.
The Face Forward dress, a collar between Lululemon and London-based designer Roksanda, features black and navy color blocking, secured zipper pockets (pockets!), an interior card pocket (sure, why not), mesh ventilation, and a whole slew of other features, including a weird cord tie situation in the front. I’ve never looked at my mom’s 30-year-old bungee cords and thought to myself that they would look great plastered on my hips, but I guess that’s why I’m not a fashion designer. I never thought I would hate on a dress with pockets, but then I never thought that I would be confronted with… whatever this is:
My first thought was that this looks less like a dress and more like a graduation robe. All it needs is one of those puffy funny-shaped hats the professors wear, a sash, and we’d be set. I guess I could see why you’d purchase this, if you were supposed to walk with the Class of 2020 and had your commencement ceremony reduced to a Zoom call? With the maroon-and-gold sweatshirt draped over the model’s shoulders (why? the dress already has long sleeves), I was getting serious Hogwarts vibes.
And according to the online reviews, I was not the only person who found the vibe of this dress oddly familiar, though a few people thought it would be more fitting for a certain Hun-fighting Disney character than a member of the Ravenclaw house.
Others just picked up on the general warrior aesthetic.
One reviewer pointed out how truly versatile this dress is for the fashion-forward time traveler. Talk about an investment!
Finally, another theme that emerged amongst the reviews was how perfectly the Face Forward Dress would fit in with an authoritarian regime. (So maybe we should all stock up now?)
Yet, despite its perplexing aesthetic and hefty price tag (at $248, I wouldn’t pay that, even for the most realistic Hunger Games costume in the world), the dress is sold out in four sizes. So it seems that people are really buying this! One earnest reviewer wrote the following glowing praise:
If it really is snug in the shoulders, it may not be so useful on a battlefield after all. Buyer beware!
Okay, after Googling “Celine Dion wig”, I’m inclined to think this was a joke. Moving on.
There was only one negative review, which, if you can believe it, is even more perplexing than the fake positive ones.
Why would you leave a review for something your friend bought? Why would you buy a dress, only to turn around and try to sell it to a friend? And most of all, why would you defame the good monkey name? Those creatures had nothing to do with this.
The Lululemon x Roksanda Face Forward dress also comes in a shade called “Caliente/Rustic Coral”, that is really just red, if you want to dive all the way into the Handmaid vibes. And, even better, it’s on sale, for an affordable $179!
Much like watching any given episode of Project Runway, examining this dress has made me realize that I know absolutely nothing about fashion—but at least I’m not alone. I know that some of us have money to blow after receiving our stimulus checks, but there are way better things to spend it on than a bougie athleisure company’s answer to Hogwarts/Mulan/medieval cosplay.
We’re 15 days into 2020, and is it just me, or has it felt like five years? I have aged so much over the past two weeks that I might need botox and to start dyeing my roots. (I mean, I’ve been doing that for years anyway, but still.) We’ve already had a sh*tshow of a news cycle this year, and it looks like there’s plenty of ugliness coming our way in the fashion department too. If you hated tiny sunglasses and biker shorts, just wait until you see what the
weirdos tastemakers have come up with for this year. Start mentally preparing yourself now, because before you know it these ugly 2020 fashion trends will be on every Kardashian lookalike you see on Instagram.
1. The Single Earring Trend
SVNR Nassau Single Earring, $150
All trends are innately try-hard, but this trend, in particular, is very try-hard. It’s the kind of trend that only someone who would also say “it’s called fashion, look it up” would wear. This trend has been lurking among fashion people for a few years now, but according to Vogue, the trend for single earrings is still around for 2020. Not only do I despise the way this trend looks, it’s financially irresponsible. The fact that individual earrings are even being sold to accommodate this trend hurts my brain. And it hurts my brain that much more to think that people would actually buy one single earring. Stop this before it gets out of hand!
2. Dramatic Puffy Sleeves
Baum und Pferdgarten Chiffon Puff Sleeve Top, $199
The puffy sleeves have continually gotten bigger…and bigger and bigger and bigger. I’m honestly not sure how much bigger they can really get at this point but hey, where there’s a will there’s a way! Plus, we know fashion people will go as big and weird as necessary to stand out
so they can make up for not having a personality, so beware. Especially since this trend dominated the runways, we can definitely expect to see it all year.
3. Extremely Oversized Hobo Bags
Hobo Bag Canvas Gray, $79
Considering celebs have gone so far as to carrying purses even too small for a Polly Pocket, 2020 is guaranteed to flip to the total opposite end of the spectrum. Think huge oversized hobo bags circa early 2000s. Think Olsen twins in their prime of looking homeless. (I say “prime” because obviously they still look homeless and all, but the whole look was at least kind of cool back then.) According to WhoWhatWear, extra large totes were all over the runways—and hey, as a girl who carries glasses, floss, and more meds than I care to share with you all in my purse with me at all times, this is a trend I’ll get behind.
4. Actual Bras as Tops
Rhoda Black Triangle Strap Detail Bralet, $15
According to Harper’s Bazaar, this year crop tops are out and bra tops are in. We had the lingerie slip dresses trend, the super-sheer-basically-naked trend, and now, 2020 brings us the year of the bra-top trend. So basically just bras—bras are a trend for 2020. As someone who has been pushing the boundaries of what constitutes a bra vs. a top since college, I’m ready for this.
ASOS DESIGN Tux Suit Vest, $40
Serena van der Woodsen is the only person I’ve ever seen make a vest look cool, and like, she was a fictional character. And kind of an annoying one at that. Yeah, I said it. Anyway, vests are going to be cool…unlike Jenny Humphrey who never will be cool. Sorry, lil J.
6. Aggressively Oversized Chains
PrettyLittleThing Gold Chunky Multi Layering Chain Necklace, $18
Clearly, the trend I’m foreseeing here for 2020 is everything obnoxious and oversized. I’m not a professional trend forecaster, but this seems like a direct response to the tiny trend of 2018-19. Such is life. So along with oversized sleeves and extremely oversized hobo bags, I’m thinking we’re going to see some oversized rapper-level chunky chains… but like, on a petite wanderlust influencer. According to The Zoe Report, chunky chains were all over the runways which means both the trend, and the chain itself, will be increasing in size this year.
ASOS DESIGN Boilersuit with Zip, $60.50
The name alone of this trend makes me feel weird. If you’re not familiar, boilersuits are traditionally a one-piece protective garment worn for manual labor. Now obviously, fashion puts a “sexy” spin on the traditional boilersuit, because of course influencers are going to take manual labor and make it bougie and obnoxious. The name alone leaves me picturing Hopper from Stranger Things getting ready to go back into that spooky hole to the upside down. So I don’t know, it’s kind of hard for me to really get into this trend when all I can picture is Hopper in his full hazmat suit.
Trends are only getting more and more absurd, so there’s no doubt in my mind that we’ll see at least one of these aforementioned ugly 2020 fashion trends consuming our Insta feeds at some point this year. Here’s to hoping we realize this sh*t is hideous and get our act together before then, but I doubt it!
Images: @mixedhype/ Unsplash; SVNR; Verishop; Etsy; Pretty Little Thing (2); ASOS (2)
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I really thought the world was working towards becoming a better place in 2018. I mean, Oprah’s like basically our president now and Bring it On is on Netflix. It’s less than two weeks into the New Year, and this year is already exceeding my (ridiculous low) expectations. Except, I do have one serious bone to pick with 2018, and that’s the fact that we’re still letting ridiculous jean trends happen.
Even though I clearly told you guys to leave stupid jeans behind in 2017, the trend obviously isn’t slowing down anytime soon. Which is like, pretty shocking because I really thought that my sarcastic vaguely fashion-related ramblings really had a serious reach. Anyway, ASOS just rolled out the dumbest effing jeans I’ve ever laid eyes on, and I genuinely believe these are the worst ones yet. (And yes, I’ve seen those thong jeans.) These are so heinous that I wouldn’t even be into them if Rihanna wore them.
I have a lot of questions. The first, most obvious one is what the fuck? I’m not really sure what look is trying to be achieved here, other than “I may be down for some casual butt stuff,” but my first impression is that someone tried to resurrect an Abercrombie denim mini skirt by handcuffing it to some pants legs.
Secondly, why are these crotchless? What kind of underwear are you supposed to wear with these? I’ve finally warmed up to the idea of letting a Calvin Klein waistband sit over the top of your jeans, but this feels like we’ve lost all control of the human race. Am I weird for wondering if these are easier or more difficult to go to the bathroom in that regular jeans would be?
These jeans are apparently reworked Levi’s. They’re $119, which, at the risk of sounding like every uncle making fun of his niece’s ripped jeans, feels kind of steep for a pair of pants that literally shows your entire ass.
To be totally transparent, I will admit that in a moment when I’d obviously entered a questionable headspace, I did buy a pair of jeans similar to these from Forever 21. I know, I know. But, they don’t show my butt, crotch or any other body part that could potentially get me arrested for public indecency. I did try to track them down online to defend myself so you could buy them, too, but because Forever 21 is a total shit show, I can’t track them down. If you want them, you’re going to have to do it the old fashioned way and rip through dozens of racks of clothes that look promising but actually have “no fuckboys allowed” or french fries embroidered on the front.
You know when you look at old photos of yourself and think “ew, why did I wear that?” Normally this occurs a few years after you wear a fugly outfit, but let’s be proactive this year. Lots of 2017 trends were totally disgusting, and in the interest of shit talking, I don’t think I can wait a few years to talk about it. Here are the absolute worst fashion trends of this year.
1. Clear Boots
Sure, clear boots looked cool when Kim Kardashian rocked them, but have you ever tried these on? Your nasty sweaty feet will fog them up almost immediately. Whoever thought Saran-wrapping your feet and adding a four-inch heel was a good idea is seriously disturbed.
Aldo Oceani Boot
2. Clear Panel Mom Jeans
As if clear boots weren’t enough to make you question your personal hygiene, Topshop released a pair of clear panel mom jeans back in the spring. Apparently, sweaty kneecaps are the fashion industry’s latest attempt at ruining our lives. The worst part is, these things actually sold out. Judging all of you.
Topshop Clear Panel Mom Jeans
3. Balenciaga Platform Crocs
Balenciaga’s take on the already ridiculously heinous Croc design was so bad, I originally assumed they were only created to inspire memes. Maybe they were. IDK. Have fun looking like a redneck Bratz doll.
#Balenciaga X #Crocs? In 2017, the collab lives on. Here’s one for the linkers & builders https://t.co/9pdYbWoAix pic.twitter.com/ZUBBDr76zs
— SSENSE (@SSENSE) November 9, 2017
4. The RompHim
I guess douchey frat boys got tired of wearing khaki pants and Vineyard Vines shirts, so they designed this stupid male romper as a desperate cry for attention. It kind of worked, but they look absolutely insane, so I certainly wouldn’t consider this a win for them.
RompHim Black Chambray Male Romper
5. Kitten Heels
In the world of fugly shit, kitten heels aren’t exactly new. However, I’ll never pass up a chance to dump on heels that are two inches and shorter. Lower heels were definitely a thing this year, but a straight-up kitten heel will never be okay. Yuck.
Topshop Abba Pointy Toe Bootie