How To Drive Yourself Crazy After Sending A Risky Text

We’ve all been there: a few weeks/months into dating someone and you aren’t quite sure where things stand. You’re ready to be exclusive, and he’s ready to introduce you to one of his friends. You’re ready to delete the apps and he’s ready to take you to dinner before inviting you over. You’re ready to ask “so, where do you see this going?” and he’s (probably) ready to run. But how can you be sure unless you send a risky text? 

You simply cannot. So here’s a helpful step-by-step guide of how best to craft the perfect risky text and subsequent emotional spiral.

Step 1

Date an emotionally unavailable man that has admitted to being “bad at texting”. Know, in your gut, that that means he’s “bad at commitment”, but ignore the bright red flag and continue on your path toward self destruction. 

Step 2

Once you are ready to: take the next step, DTR, or be vulnerable, ask yourself, “has he shown me the same level of interest? Is he reaching out regularly, making plans, talking about the future?” If the answer to all of those questions is a resounding no, then it’s time to send your text. 

Step 3

Draft your text in the Notes app. Skipping this step may result in shameful grammatical errors or, God forbid, a sighting of a long-lasting typing bubble by the intended recipient. Don’t have an iPhone? Weird, but fine—still, draft your message outside of the text chain itself, and send it to at least two friends for review/encouragement. Choose those friends wisely though—they should be enablers, similarly insecure in their dating choices, and in no way the kind of friend that would say “you’re too good for him, don’t reach out”. 

Step 4

Take a deep breath, a shot, an edible, and send your heavily reviewed, perfectly crafted, vulnerable but not too desperate, flirty but not aggressively so, text. Check to see if he’s watched your Instagram stories, and then immediately step away from your phone! 

Step 5

Distract yourself. Go on a run, a date with another guy, get wine drunk—whatever it takes to stop you from checking your phone every five seconds for a reply. You know this will take awhile, you wouldn’t have had to send the text otherwise, so keep yourself busy. But if you haven’t posted anything to your Instagram story since sending the text, now is a good time to do so; you’ll want this data later in case he doesn’t reply. Did he watch your story after the text was received?

Step 6

Spiral. It’s been at least two hours and half a wine bottle since you sent your text and he hasn’t responded, which means it’s time to lose your shit! There are a few ways you can go about this, sort of a “choose your own adventure” anxiety attack. Personally, I like to do the following: 

  1. Re-read the text a few times, dig into each word and identify where I could have improved the message. This is good data for future risky texts that I will 100% be sending because I will learn nothing from this experience.
  2. Run through every interaction we’ve ever had, analyze the average time between text messages throughout our short-lived relationship, think about every mistake I’ve ever made, question my self-worth, swear off dating, and then text an ex for attention. 
  3. Check to see if he’s watched my Instagram story (I told you this would be important). 
  4. Decide that he has ghosted, tell myself that I’m better off without him, call the friend that will say “you’re too good for him, you shouldn’t have reached out”, schedule an emergency therapy session, but not before I re-download the dating apps and start looking for his replacement. 
  5. Rinse (out my wine glass) and repeat sub-steps 1 through 3.

Step 7

Closure. It’s been hours, maybe days, or perhaps he did in fact, ghost. It really doesn’t matter because the outcome is the same: he’s not that into you, he’s not looking for anything serious right now, he doesn’t feel a “spark”, or he… is kind of an asshole. But it’s okay, you’ve completed steps 1-6 and you were prepared for this. In fact, the second you sent this text you knew this would happen—I mean, isn’t that why you endured two-plus weeks of sporadic communication and canceled plans before asking the question in the first place? You were simply delaying the inevitable. Really, step 7 is a relief. It’s a blow to your ego, sure. It means watching your Instagram stories and liking your thirst traps does not equal sincere interest in dating you, unfortunately. It means your chances of getting married before your eggs start dropping like they’re hot are getting smaller, certainly. But it also means you know better now—you’ll watch for the warning signs with the next guy, you won’t waste your time on a man who isn’t pursuing you, and you’ll never have to send a risky text again… right?

Image: Natasha Hall on Unsplash 

7 Sex Positions To Get You Off, Since We’re Not Faking Orgasms

Raise your hand if you’ve felt personally victimized by the lack of attention given to your lady bean during any given sack sesh, because same. Ladies, we are SO much more than a freshly waxed b-hole, so now is the time to put an end to the nurturing of his needs and take control this summer. Saturdays might be for the boys, but we legit just got a whole season dedicated to us and doing hot girl sh*t, so suck it, Chad.

Speaking of douchebags, I once read an Instagram meme that said, “I chose to sleep with him not because I have no respect for myself, but because I have no respect for him,” and I truly felt that one deep down to my inner labia (don’t tell my husband). It’s 2021 and finally time to start giving your sexual needs the same amount of respect you give to your vibrator after faking it for the billionth time. Put the toy back in the drawer, because your pleasure is about to be served on a silver platter with these six femme-first positions.  

Double The Pleasure

Hot take: Reverse cowgirl sucks (and don’t @ me). The amount of quad-inducing labor involved is my actual worst nightmare, and don’t even get me started on the awkward insertion angles. That said, with a few tweaks, you can perfect the task of becoming the Annie Oakley of your very own Wild, Wild West fantasy while riding yourself to completion.

According to Jen Landa, M.D., author of The Sex Drive Solution for Women, Double The Pleasure is god’s gift to maximum female stimulation because, hi, it’s about damn time. Here’s the gist: Start off as you would in typical reverse cowgirl, but stretch out one leg while the other knee is still bent beside your partner. Have them bend one leg up so that you’re basically straddling the raised leg with a thigh on either side and voilà, you’ve got a prop to stabilize yourself while rocking their world.

Best part of all? Their thigh also doubles as your own personal cat-scratching post. Landa dubbed this position “reverse cowgirl with a twist”, which allows for optimal clitoral stimulation that will 10/10 make your actual kitty purr with satisfaction. I swear, that’s my last cat pun.

The Edge of Reason

If I had a dollar for every time my husband whined about his stiff neck as a result of oral sex, let’s just say I wouldn’t be praying to the big man upstairs every night for a fourth stimmy check. The Edge of Reason is the G.O.A.T. of oral sex that allows you to keep an open mind, but mostly open legs, all while giving your partner’s neck the mobility of an overactive bobble head doll.

 It’s as simple as laying on your back at the edge of any surface of your choosing. Depending on the height of the surface, this gives them the option to kneel, sit, stand… hell, they can even strike a yoga pose. With their face buried in your bed of roses, this gives their hands the freedom to roam about the cabin.

Pro tip: Prop your feet up on your partner’s shoulders for more balance, clitoral accessibility and a one-way ticket to Climax City.  

The Captain

Ladies, it’s time to take back the power we were legit never given at any point in history and take charge of this MFing ship. You may not be working with the spatial capacity of an actual ship, but thankfully this oral sex position doesn’t discriminate against small spaces or dumpy studio apartments, so really, as long as you’ve got an empty wall—or, IDK, a door that closes—you’re good to go.

While in a standing position, lean your back against a wall/door/for the love of god, just something sturdy. Have your partner kneel in front of you, and if I have to explain what comes next, we’ve got bigger issues here. Once the show starts, let the curtains fully open by resting a leg comfortably over your partner’s shoulder. This gives them much more room for work and a straight shot to the buried treasure.

The Good Ex

At the moment, the only person on the planet capable of having a good ex is probably J.Lo, but you’ll soon believe in miracles after the formation of two bodies into an X shape leaves you with more satisfaction than your ex ever could. For this position, sit up facing each other with your legs forward. This is where it gets tricky: Bring your right leg over your partner’s left leg and leave your left leg under their right leg. Both of you lie back while your legs naturally form an ‘X’ as you come together.

The female orgasm is not a sprint and is definitely not achieved by attempting to bust down the gates of the cervix with a goddamn tree trunk. With the combination of slow gyrations and the ability to rub against your partner at the pace of your liking, your arousal will build, and the sensations will triple in intensity. Trust me, the likelihood of having regrets from this particular X are slim to none.

 The Ommm

The Ommm, typically pronounced with a drawn out ‘mmmm’, is more commonly known as the Lotus, but with one minor adjustment that’ll hands down result in one major zen. Leave the jackhammering in the junkyard for this tantric joyride position that’s all about vibing with your chakras (or simultaneous orgasms, if chakra talk isn’t your thing).  

In order to achieve prime peak, have your partner sit cross-legged as you secure yourself onto their lap with your legs wrapped around their body. While hugging each other, rocking is key as you take full control and allow the spiritual energy to flow between you and your partner. K, enough of the yogi talk, if you wanna ho it up a little, give them a full show by grabbing their hands and taking turns leaning back and forth while grinding against each other. With the different angles, your g-spot will surely namaste in its happy place.   

Pretzel Dip

There are times where I truly don’t know which is more pleasurable, sex or food (again, don’t tell my husband), but this position basically gives you the best of both worlds. To achieve this delicacy, lie on one side while your partner kneels facing you and straddling your leg that is resting on the bed. Bring your opposite leg across both your bodies and curl it around their body.

The Pretzel Dip is the perfect appetizer for female pleasure because it gives doggy style-like penetration while still being able to maintain intimate eye contact. Plus, with your legs slightly more ajar, it allows for ample clitoral stimulation, toy usage, and/or casual grinding. Ok, so food technically isn’t involved, but you’ll probably work up an appetite after that mind-blowing orgasm, so there’s that.

Images: Alexey Kuzma / Stocksy.com; Giphy (3)

Do You Actually Want To Make Out With Them, Or Are They Just A Person You Haven’t Seen Before?

I get it. The weather is warming up, the vaccine is starting to course (at least halfway) through many young people’s veins, and it feels like maybe, just maybe, we might get able to get back on track and start making the necessary moves to advance our life plans. I’m talking, of course, about meeting people—specifically, prospective romantic partners. What, you thought my life plan had to do with career advancements or personal accomplishments such as buying a house? Ha. Well, I mean, the pandemic probably fucked that up too, but my mom’s not hassling me about when I’m going to finally buy property. Anyway, this isn’t (really) about me. With the beautiful weather and vaccine rollout lulling us into a sense of something approaching normalcy, you are probably feeling some urges. Urges to, in the immortal words of Coach Carr, take off your clothes and touch each other. If you’re not feeling an indecent exposure charge, then maybe you just want to make out with a hot person in public. It’s completely natural, what with the whole being-cooped-up-with-no-company-but-your-thoughts-for-a-year thing! But before you go exchanging mRNA with the first person you set your eyes on, ask yourself: do you actually want to make out with them, or are they just a person you haven’t set eyes on in 13 months?

Below, a few factors to consider before getting your usually-masked area up close and personal with their usually-masked area.

Do You Know Their Name?

Not like it’s mattered before, but I suppose for contact tracing purposes it might be helpful to keep some identifying information on hand. A phone number, at least? Fine, an email address. A Snapchat handle? Make sure your carrier pigeon knows where to deliver your most recent test results, at least.

Close Your Eyes. Can You Recall Their Face?

You can’t use the darkness of the club or your inebriation as an excuse, so be honest with yourself. If your life were somehow dependent on it, could you actually recall this person’s face other than “uhh… they have eyes and… a nose”? Didn’t really think so. He’s probably not Mr. Right, or even Mr. Right Now, since he’s not even making an impact in your short-term memory.

Have You Exchanged Any Words With Them?

Any at all? Note that “hi” is only one word, and I specifically asked about words, plural. Maybe back in the club, one carefully placed eye-f*ck would be all you need for you and your mystery person to gravitate towards each other as if propelled by an invisible magnet and start sucking face. But in times where we don’t even see our own friends without making them verbally fill out a detailed health questionnaire, prolonged eye contact is no longer enough to initiate a public makeout… that is, unless you have them fill out a physical detailed health questionnaire. Is that HIPAA compliant?

Are You Confident They Haven’t Been To A Super Spreader Event In The Past 2 Weeks?

Do they seem like the type of person who has friends? If so, that could be a risk—one of those friends could have gotten married, or had a birthday, or just wanted to watch football on Sunday. What are the odds they’ve been to Florida within the past 14 days? Are they drinking a Red Bull vodka, doing a line, or wearing Bermuda shorts? If so, best to not take those odds. Make the sign of the cross with your fingers and stay far away (six feet).

Seriously, Do You Know Anything About This Person?

Do you have an eye color? Blood type? Just kidding, I don’t even know my own blood type (should I?). What color shirt are they wearing? Are they wearing a shirt? Can you identify a single element that attracted you to this person, or did your brain just immediately fire off, “PERSON!” when it detected a human life form in the vicinity?

Okay, Does Their Body Temperature Seem Within A Normal Range?

Are their cheeks flushed? Do they appear to be sweating or having the chills? No? Then you’re clear to approach them cautiously. Does their forehead feel warm to the touch? If you’ve already tried testing it with the back of your hand, try doing what your mom would do when you were a kid and putting your cheek to their forehead. Just my mom, then? Well, now that you’ve thoroughly made it weird, a makeout shouldn’t be too out of the question.

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, I’m pleased to inform you that you meet the minimum requirements for a summer 2021-approved spit-swapping. Congratulations! You might want to take a little sniff inside your mask to make sure you don’t need to pop a mint or anything. Actually, scratch that—just get a mint either way. As far as how to kiss, a skill that’s no doubt been long forgotten, I can’t help you there. Best of luck, and try not to do anything weird.

Image: Lisanto 李奕良Unsplash

Four Times It’s Okay To Ghost Someone

All of my friends who’ve been dating their significant other for five or more years always say to me, “Being a twentysomething single girl in New York must be so fun!” I’m sorry, but why does everyone think that being single in New York is like being in Sex and the City, running around on a writer’s salary in my brand new Manolos trying not to spill my $17 cosmopolitan? I have more in common with Tony Soprano than I do with Carrie Bradshaw. The only SATC episode that my single New York life is kind of similar to is that one where Carrie makes dinner plans with her infamous f*ck buddy, full-well knowing she’ll never speak to him again. In other words, ghosting. This, married friends, is what being single is nowadays.

If you haven’t already guessed, I’m a big believer in breaking up with somebody using your words, but honestly, sometimes these clowns don’t even deserve that. For instance, a few years ago my boyfriend of two years (repeat, two years) broke up with me via Facebook Messenger. WHAT?! I was so mad that I didn’t even respond and we literally just never spoke again. Two years! Anyway, technically he broke up with me, but I guess you could say I ghosted him and, guess what, I didn’t feel bad about it. So, even though conventional wisdom says ghosting is always bad, there are plenty of times where it’s actually okay to just stop responding to their texts, and doing so doesn’t make you the asshole. Let’s talk about times it’s okay to ghost someone.

1. It Feels Creepy

I mean, this should go without saying, but if you’re ever in a situation that makes you feel either unsafe or uncomfortable (the two usually go hand in hand), you can safely fade away into the night guilt-free. Maybe you gave him your number off a dating app and now he won’t stop texting you sexually explicit things, or you went on a date with him and he kept aggressively trying to get you to come back to his place even though you gently tried to turn him down a few times, or he is calling you nonstop even though he knows you are working. Whatever the case may be, if this is a person whose behavior is ringing alarm bells, you do not owe them a response. And, in my opinion, the types of people who repeatedly stomp all over your boundaries are the same kind of people who take any response, even an explicit “I’m not interested”, as encouragement to continue. In cases like these, the best thing to say is often nothing.

2. They Only Reach Out After 2am

This should also be obvious, but in case it’s not, keep reading. You should not feel obligated to respond to a late night “u up?” text unless you’re down to meet up. If you aren’t, just don’t respond. I feel like people, myself included, think it’s such bad form to just ignore a text, but if that text is a booty call at 2am or later, do not feel guilty for not answering it. The dudes sending you those texts aren’t looking for witty banter, they’re looking for a yes or no. They don’t care about you not courteously texting back to let them know that, while you are in fact up, you’re quite tired and are going to have to politely decline. None of that sh*t is necessary. So if a guy you aren’t into texts you after you’re already in bed, feel free to not respond without any pangs of guilt. 

3. They Ghosted You First

You went on a few dates with someone who, out of nowhere, disappeared from your life…like a ghost. Ya hate to see it. You may text him a few days later to check in or put a dinner on the calendar, but he doesn’t respond because he’s an asshole so you kind of give up and move on. Then, like a Dementor coming down from Azkaban, he hits you up. He was 110% seeing another girl when he was also seeing you, but then he decided he wanted to focus on her, so he ghosts you. Then things with her don’t work out so he comes crawling back to you as if five months of silence didn’t just go by. Yeaaaaah, no.

If this sounds familiar, please ghost this arrogant prick. Does he think he’s being subtle when he pulls sh*t like this? Are we expected to just respond as if we didn’t just fully get ignored for half a year? Please, someone tell me. You have permission from everyone to ignore him.

4. They’re In A Monogamous Relationship

once a cheater, always a cheater

I know this sounds beyond f*cked up, but I have been propositioned by not one, but two men in serious relationships within the past six months *throws up*. They both texted me later in the evening to meet up for a drink, which I didn’t think was a big issue until they said, “don’t tell anyone.” And then I obviously told all of my friends. I don’t owe them discretion when they are clearly asswipes who don’t deserve their girlfriends. Anyway, after I realized I was being hit on, I just stopped answering their texts. Again, I don’t give a sh*t about ghosting them—if anything, I feel gross for being the object of their attempted infidelity, even though it wasn’t my fault. If gross guys in relationships prove that they are, in fact, skeazy, it definitely qualifies as one of those times it’s okay to ghost their ass. 

Images: Shutterstock.com; Giphy (4)

Hookup Horror Story: A Little Nutty

Welcome again to this week’s U Up Podcast’s Hookup Horror Story, where making fun of people and laughing at their embarrassing hookups are required. Here’s another listener-submitted awkward sexual encounter for your pleasure. Let’s break it down.

Hey J & J,

Coming in hot with an awkward story and an important question about acceptable, shall we say, TERMINOLOGY in the bedroom. 

I’m a single gal in her late 20s, finding myself balls-deep in friends’ weddings lately. 

Balls-deep… literally, as we’ll soon see.

Recently I ended up going home after a great wedding and perhaps too many great drinks with guy 5ish years younger than me. All good, no problem there.

Sometimes when you’re single at a wedding, you have to rob the cradle.

 But you know when you’re borderline blacked out and then something happens that instantly snaps you into a brief moment of sobriety? 

Don’t we all. 

Well, we were hooking up and everything was going great however he was talking A LOT. I’m not even sure what he was talking about but I just remember thinking, “wow he is chatty.” It was truly distracting. 

That’s the worst. I’m not even sure you can call it “going great” if he was talking the whole time. Kinda kills the mood.

And THEN… he starts enthusiastically repeating over and over, “I wanna make you nut.” I literally laughed out loud the first time he said it. He was not trying to be funny. This was serious. I’ve never heard any dude say NUT in reference to a female orgasm. It was unreal. So, what do you guys think?? Is NUTTING in the lexicon of acceptable dirty talk? 

Lemme know.

P.s. I nutted

 

HAHAHA what!!?? I’m actually uncomfortable. I don’t know how she “nutted” after that, because I’d be done.

Can women “nut” (god, just typing that is making me cringe). Listen to Jared and Jordana discuss on the latest episode of U Up? 

What do you think? Does this track? Or is it a no? Let us know in the comments!

Image: Maddi Bazzocco / Unsplash

Hookup Horror Story: Meet The Parents

Here we are again with another awkward sexual encounter from the U Up? Podcast. These stories written to Jared and Jordana will definitely make yourself feel better about your whole life’s worth of embarrassing moments. Sorry not sorry to those actually experiencing them. Let’s dive in to this week’s letter.

 Hi Jared and Jordana,

Happy pre-cuffing season. A few nights ago I went out with a guy who was 10/10 hot, and apparently rich (the dream).

Lol. Pre-cuffing season. For those of you who don’t know, cuffing season is the time between Thanksgiving and Valentine’s Day to “cuff” or tie someone down for the holiday season. Because you know, the holidays and winter make you want someone to cuddle up with, naturally.

I go back to his apartment (studio on the UES), and things unfold as they usually do. I have an alarm set so I can go back home in the morning and get ready for work.

Of course, as one does.

When I go to leave his apartment around 6am, I open the front door, the tenant across the hall also opens the door and calls his name (also Jared lol). Clearly, I am not Jared. After she realizes this she retreats awkwardly back into her unit without saying anything.

Okay, weird. Immediately I’m thinking as the reader that this is another bitch he’s been seeing, but you went out with the guy once, so chill.

A few hours later I text the guy and mention it and he brushes it off. I go to his place again last night, and he says he has to go into the unit across the hall since the other person moved out and he has to take care of some things???

What kind of things?? Idgi.

I thought it was a bit odd that he didn’t say anything about the woman who asked for him the other morning, and now we’re in her apartment, so I asked again. Turns out his family owns the whole building and that was his MOM.

Anyway, please let me know what you’d call this one.

Xoxo, Meeting the family Betch

THAT took a turn. Was not expecting that one. NGL, if I was in that situation I would run. A “Momma’s Boy” is one of the biggest turnoffs to me. This gives me Failure to Launch vibes. I mean, at least this guy doesn’t live at home with his parents. But, the fact that his mother lives down the hall is bad enough for me. I don’t care how hot or how rich he is. Run, sister, run.

To hear Jared and Jordana’s take on this story, listen to U Up? below.

Images: Timur Romanov / Unsplash

Hookup Horror Story: His Dirty Talk Felt Murdery

Another week. Another hookup horror story. Hookup culture, for all of its pitfalls, makes up for it by providing hilarious meet-not-cutes like no other cultural phenomenon can. This is especially true for collegiate hookup culture. Something about the sultry mix of frat-level hubris and a sh*t ton of alcohol makes for a cocktail rich in awkward encounters and cringey moments. U Up’s latest awkward sexual encounter is a testament to this, and we broke it down for you.  

Dear J&J, Thanks for doing the Lord’s work, I’ve shared the podcast with all my friends and am bringing a huge crowd to your live show in Dallas. A few months ago I had a hilarious sexual experience and thought I should share. I had been hooking up on and off with this guy throughout college—just sex, as I knew he was slightly unhinged.

I’m sorry, unhinged?? I understand making an exception in the name of getting laid. He talks too much? Step up the tongue action. He has a lazy eye? Keep your eyes shut. But if your list of potential “exceptions” includes f*cking the occasional psychopath, I think it’s time to reevaluate your hookup standards. 

My senior year I lived in the sorority house and had it on the bucket list to sneak a guy in. I invited him over and he showed up very drunk while I was sober. We start hooking up and I asked if he had a condom and he said no so I told him we couldn’t have sex.  

Stay safe, kiddos.

He started freaking out and screaming “f*ck f*ck f*ck” so loud i was worried he was going to wake the house mother. 

If the house mother is only a feature in your awkward hookup, and not the main event, you know you’ve got one hell of a story. Greek life is one of those strange institutions that manages to supply you with lots of booze and raunch during your university days, while also making you feel like a high schooler, only with a Mom who is extremely strict and culturally stuck in the 1940s.

To calm him down I told him we could hook up another night this week. He then told me that he was going to “f*ck me until the cows come home” and make me “come so hard he would kill me” he then kept repeating that, saying “I’m gonna kill you Sunday” “I’m gonna kill you Sunday.” 

Alright, this guy must be Bachelor-level hot. Nothing makes the entitlement of frat guys clearer when it comes to sex like extremely weird dirty talk and low-key murder threats. Either this guy is a lit major who got a little overzealous with the word play, or lines like this have worked in the past. If it is the former, he clearly needs to work on his transitions, as cows and homicide don’t exactly pair well together. If it is the latter, it is time for us betches to band together and makes sure this behavior does not go rewarded in the future.

He then asked me if we could do “crazy kinky shit” even if we couldn’t have sex and asked me repeatedly to have anal, which we’ve never done.

You do not mention cows in one sentence, then f*cking me in the ass in the next. No. Absolutely not. 

I drove him home after that so that I could get him out of the house before he caused more of a scene. In the car, he started trying to finger me while driving and said “i could totally make you crash this car right now” and when I pushed him away he started screaming “f*ck f*ck f*ck” and banging his head against my dashboard so hard I thought he might deploy the airbags.

Well, at the very least he’s consistent. That said, he really needs to reevaluate his standards if crashing a car is somehow a sexual victory. If his affinity for weird pickup lines doesn’t keep him from getting laid in the future, hopefully the massive bruise on his head after BANGING IT ON THE WINDOW (?!?!) will. 

I finally got him out of the car and had a story for the ages. Let me know what you would call this!  

While part of me (most of me) thinks you should really elevate your standards (aka stop f*cking Crazy Chad), the other part of me is grateful for your service. If this girl is willing to satisfy the sexual cravings of the world’s crazies, I’d say she’s the one doing the Lord’s work here.  

How do you feel about banging the occasional crazy? Hear Jared and Jordana’s thoughts on the U Up? podcast below.

“He Came In My Eye”: Hookup Horror Story

If you love laughing at other people’s embarrassing stories and misery, you’ve come to the right place. Jared and Jordana blessed us with another listener-submitted awkward sexual encounter story on the U Up? podcast, so we of course have to break it down for you. 

“Hi Jared & Jordana! Background info: I recently moved home after a career change and my new-at-the-time boyfriend also moved home after he got out of the military. Both of our mothers are teachers, so it’s rare that either of us get any ~sexy time~ in the summer since someone is always home.”

This situation is already awkward because it feels like these two have reverted back to a high school relationship. Good for them for making it work under the circumstances. I’d feel on edge knowing my mom (or his!) could walk in at any moment and put me in such an uncomfortable situation that I would have to change my identity and move away. 

“I was driving home from work one night when he booty called me, so I drove to his house and told my family that I was stuck at work. We got hot & heavy REAL fast, and ended up having sex on his living room floor (the rug burn was worth it).”

I’m sorry, when is rug burn ever worth it? Just do it on the bed like normal people. Maybe I’m just jealous of the youthful vitality that would possess someone to think having sex on the floor is a good idea (can you say knee pain?), or maybe I’m a buzzkill. However boring I may be, I know for a fact that at the end of the day the person who has sex on their bed will be able to then sleep in said bed with much more peace and comfort sans rug burns and bruised knee caps.

“He decided he wanted to cum in my mouth, but wasn’t fast enough; most of the jizz ended up on my face.”

This sentence is just a lot to take in. I feel like this is the kind of sentence my freshman English professor would pick apart mercilessly make us study for an entire class. If you separate it into different lines it could literally be a Rupi Kaur poem. Wow.

“At first this wasn’t an issue, just towel off, right? Wrong. His cum got in one of my eyes, and it immediately turned bloodshot because I wear contacts. I ran to the bathroom to take my contact lens out and flush my eye with water, but it only got worse and started burning.”

This is just the worst. There is no bigger feeling of defeat than when you’ve done something to f*ck up your delicate little eyeball and literally nothing you do to try to fix it makes it feel better. And then the pain is so bad that you start crying and your poor eye starts doing even more work.

“I ended up driving home while holding a wet paper towel over the eye and told my family something got in my eye at work.”

This poor girl can’t catch a break. Her boyfriend gets cum in her eye and then she can’t even go home and bitch about it to whoever will listen. She just has to suffer in silence. What a strong woman. I have so much respect for her, but I do not envy her.

“Anyway, would love to hear what name you give this! I’ll hopefully be seeing you at your Philly show.

Much love,

Pirate girl”

What would you call this situation? Would you forgive your boyfriend for this very unfortunate slip-up? Honestly, at least it wasn’t any of their parents walking in on them. To hear what Jared and Jordana thought, listen to U Up? below.

Images: HBO; Tenor (2)