It was pretty clear, even before Super Tuesday, that Elizabeth Warren was not going to be the Democratic Party’s nominee. Whatever Crest 3D Whitestrips-induced spell Joe Biden cast over the people of South Carolina that spread faster than the Coronavirus into the campaigns of both Buttigieg and Klobuchar pretty much solidified that. I knew it was a long shot, but I was still excited to cast my vote for a female candidate that I truly felt was the best person for the job.
On Sunday night, two days before I would vote for Warren, I was chatting with my ex-boyfriend about the election. Which I recognize was probably my first mistake. He tried to convince me to switch my vote to Bernie. At the time, I was a little annoyed but mostly just glad that, as his EX-girlfriend, I could argue with him without having to worry about the impact it would have on an already fragile and clearly unhealthy relationship. But now, after a Tuesday that most can agree was not-so-f*cking super, I’m pissed.
And I’m not the only person who had to fight off a Bernie bro trying to bully them into changing their vote. So for those of you who, like me, are angry that Warren is out and could use some commiseration, or for those of you who, like my ex, are angry that she didn’t drop out sooner, here is a list of reasons why Warren’s candidacy was f*cking important and it’s a god damn shame that she’s gone.
Me to everyone who said Warren wasn’t electable.
Would you like your white man to be 77 or 78 years old?
I mean seriously America. How did we go from the most diverse cast of characters candidates in a presidential race to two men who if you squinted and tilted your head just right, could be the same person on different days? One post-spa visit that offered half-price tanning and teeth whitening packages, and the other post-night of literally being the old man who went to bed and bumped his head and couldn’t get up in the morning.
Me, I’m more disappointed.
Yes, Warren is white and 70—she’s not the most representative of the diversity we need to see in American politics. But she IS a woman who, in addition to being a fashion icon for every girl who has ever wanted to wear exclusively all black with just a pop of color—was able to get a point across during a debate without yelling, completely losing track of a thought, confusing his sister for his wife, or being compared to a communist dictator.
May I remind you:
She could have beaten Trump
I’m not entirely convinced Trump will, under any circumstances, leave the White House in 2021. I wouldn’t be surprised if he glued himself to the chair in the Oval Office and just whined “mine” until we all gave up trying. But, of the three valid candidates still in the race on Tuesday— Biden, Bernie, and Warren (Bloomberg doesn’t count because according to Wikipedia Warren killed him during the Las Vegas debate, and Tulsi doesn’t count because no explanation needed)—I honestly feel like she had the best chance to win.
Trump and Russia clearly want Bernie to be the candidate, which is a red flag that no one, not even someone like me who throws herself into red flags like a slalom skier who forgot how the race works, should ignore. And Biden? Did everyone just forget that Trump basically won Impeachment, a game in which Biden was implicated in foul play? Do we think this is going to end up working out for us? Let’s ask the man himself:
Doesn’t instill a ton of confidence.
Please, look me in the eye and tell me Warren is less electable than those two and say it with a straight face without recognizing that you are being just like, a little bit sexist…which brings me to my final point:
Are we just supposed to be okay with how sexist this is?
Even my Bernie bro ex thinks Warren was the most qualified candidate. He agrees most strongly with her policies, and thought she would make the best president. But he and so many others like him had no intention of ever voting for her because “she wouldn’t win”. The “it’s not that I don’t want a female President, I just don’t think the rest of America is ready for it” argument. It’s a self-fulfilling sexist AF prophecy, and now we all have to live with those people saying they were right. I’m starting to feel like the ceiling was made with bulletproof glass and everyone is so wrapped up in Hilary 2016 PTSD that they won’t even let us try to break through.
so solid you can feel your head banging on it.
— Emma Gray (@emmaladyrose) March 5, 2020
Eventually, I will rally behind whoever the Democratic nominee ends up being, and I’ll rally hard. But for just a little while I am going to wear all black with just a pop of color and sit shiva for the loss of Elizabeth Warren from the top of our ticket.
Images: Maverick Pictures / Shutterstock; Giphy (4); audreygelman / Twitter
One thing’s for sure, it’s hard being a conservative in America. You have only the slimmest of majorities in all branches of the federal government (except the House of Representatives, where it is large). A scant 33 states are run by Republican governors, and a worrying simple majority of 27 states where Republicans either have total control or veto-proof majorities. Worse still, Christians make up a paltry 71% of the American population. The Second Amendment to the Constitution (obviously the best one) could at any moment quickly and easily be repealed with a 2/3 majority in both houses of congress and an affirmative vote by at least 38 states. The point is, the conservative way of life is under attack like never before, which is why it makes total and absolute sense that these brave patriots are blowing up $500 Yeti coolers.
Ok, I’ll explain.
If you’re not familiar, Yeti makes exceptionally high-quality (yet insanely overpriced) coolers for hunters, fishermen, and any well-to-do rednecks who don’t mind paying up to $1,300 for a beer holder. This is mine, and it was only $250:
Naturally, a discount on such a pricey frat-tastic status symbol is welcome. Imagine the outrage, then, when the very same Real Americans received notice from the NRA-ILA that Yeti had succumbed to pressure from the sicko progressive left and would no longer sell to the NRA or offer discounts to their members:
Suddenly, without prior notice, YETI has declined to do business with The NRA Foundation saying they no longer wish to be an NRA vendor, and refused to say why. They will only say they will no longer sell products to The NRA Foundation. That certainly isn’t sportsmanlike. In fact, YETI should be ashamed. They have declined to continue helping America’s young people enjoy outdoor recreational activities.
This is, obviously, a direct attack on the liberty of all Americans, and especially those who pay money to be a member of the gun industry’s lobbying arm like to exercise their Constitutionally-protected right to bear arms. They had but one recourse: voluntarily destroy those expensive-ass coolers to own the fuckin’ libs. Oh, and destroy them they did.
This American Patriot filled his Yeti coolers with explosive shit then shot them in an excruciatingly long Facebook Live video.
#NRA #YETICOOLERS
Posted by Bryan Atkinson on Monday, April 23, 2018
This guy took a less violent approach, opting to squash his Yeti tumbler in a bench vice.
Not to miss out, these ladies showed those commie pinko cooler makers who REALLY represents American values by filling one full of tannerite:
Finally, this Patriot not only destroyed his Yeti tumbler, but he also joined the NRA. Talk about getting a double return on your investment!
So proud of my country!
Naturally, the pansies at Yeti saw their profits slipping away, and tried to walk back their clear disdain for our Constitutional rights in a statement of their own:
Posted by YETI on Monday, April 23, 2018
Uh huh, sure. That’s what they all say. Don’t be fooled by their elitist legalese and liberal double-speak! The best way to show these companies that you won’t stand for the degradation of American values and erosion of our way of life is, and always will be, to spend your money on their products so you can film yourself destroying them.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
Do you need an excuse to cry about the Obama years? No? You do that already every day before you get out of bed? Well, sorry in advance for triggering you, but The Smithsonian’s Portrait Gallery released Barack and Michelle Obamas’ official portraits today. I’d say it gave me “all the feels,” but I vowed to jump of a bridge if I ever used that phrase so, suffice it to say, they are very good portraits.
The official portraits. Barack Obama by Kehinde Wiley. Michelle Obama by Amy Sherald. pic.twitter.com/xZzBYTJhKn
— Dan Zak (@MrDanZak) February 12, 2018
Ya boy Barack chose African-American artist Kehinde Wiley for his portrait, who is most famous for his works which take famous portraits of old white guys saints and kings and shit, and replace them with black men and women dressed in either hip-hop or African attire. Michelle chose Baltimore native Amy Sherald, who is best known for painting portraits with a “social justice” bent. She wasn’t *supes* famous before now, but much like getting the first impression rose on The Bachelor, we predict getting Michelle’s portrait gig probs means she’ll at least get on Paradise do very well in the art world.
Now if you’ll excuse me. I need to go sit in a dark room and try to remember a time when seeing the president’s face didn’t make me scream, “Oh my god how is that even a face!?” at anyone who will listen.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
