Sartre said that hell is other people, but he was wrong: hell is my own apartment. I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m going fucking insane. Being locked in my house 24/7 is NOT the vibe.
While being a prisoner in my own home is its own form of agony, there are other things irritating me as well. I’m talking about everyone on social media making coronavirus, social distancing, and self-quarantine all about them. Hmm, maybe we can just take a backseat on this one and NOT use the deadly pandemic as an excuse to further our own personal brands? No? Okay.
Behold, the seven types of people on social media in these quarantimes:
Being outside went from being an act of rebellion to social suicide pretty fast. Last month, you had plans to go sunning on an older man’s yacht. Back then, he’d be begging for you to ditch your friends and come out. Now, he’s afraid you’ll kill him. Ah, love in the time of Corona.
By now, we’re all educated on social distancing and the like. Nevertheless, there are still people who insist on just popping out for iced coffee. Blame the American love of freedom! No, you don’t have special permission to stop and gaze at the windows at Bergdorf’s just because it’s your Sunday tradition. And sadly, your hair and nails are going to have to look the way God intended them to. Yes, it f*cking sucks, but if we want to keep our summer vacation plans, this is what it will take!!!
Just a week ago you were planning a worldwide tour for $19.99. Finally, the internet has influenced you into staying home, which means that it’s now time for your big social distancing Instagram story: STOP being SELFISH and STAY THE F*CK HOME. Okay. Let me break it down for you, Joseph the social media assistant. Not everyone has some namby pamby millennial marketing job that lets them sit at home rearranging Powerpoint slides while nibbling on Trader Joe’s shumai. I know it’s a crazy idea, but many people would lose their jobs if they were to stop going to work. Hard to imagine. Moreover, many of these people are the ones working at the stores that are still open so you monsters can buy enough toilet paper to last for a non-covid-infected lifetime.
Also, your preachy IG story is a little superfluous. In case you haven’t noticed, everyone’s already at f*cking home. Instead of yelling at people, maybe link to a fundraiser for medical supplies or something. Or, just be thankful that you have a flexible employer. *Eye roll*
The One With The Platform
What I really don’t have time for is people sneaking their own personal agenda into what should be a purely scientific discussion. PETA, for instance, pointed out that Coronavirus is an anagram of the word “carnivorous.” This point was ridiculed by everyone, vegans included. Also unnecessary is the implication that COVID-19 is nature’s retaliation against humanity. Please, we all know that coronavirus can be traced back to when Meghan and Harry left the royal family. Let’s please tackle one world issue at a time, starting with how everyone’s on TikTok now. Like…what is up with that??
The Coronavirus Influencers
Now is not the time to try Instagram Live. In fact, it is never the time to try Instagram Live. Just because we are your captive audience, it does not give you the right to torture us. No need to document every lived moment of the quarantine experience or to demonstrate your newfound appreciation for poetry, gardening, cooking, etc. Also, unless you have a med school degree we don’t know about, might be best to leave the medical advice to the professionals. I slept with a doctor in college. Here’s how we stop COVID-19. And stop saying quarantini.
If your house has a pool you’re not quarantining, you’re vacationing. Sorry I don’t make the rules.
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) March 29, 2020
Guys, those of you who are young and don’t have underlying conditions probably aren’t afraid to go out. But this isn’t about you. It’s about me. Me and my parents’ massive vacation house. If you’re going to flee to a glorious family estate and post a picture of your pool with the caption “not a bad place to self-quarantine <3” just know that’s how you f*cking sound. It’s fabulous, but I hate you and I take solace in knowing that your portfolio is bleeding out.
In case you weren’t aware, the economy is not doing so peachy right now. A lot of people are losing their jobs. Amidst all this economic turmoil, fitness influencers have risen as our new overlords. This is because Miss Rona has forced gyms to shut down, leaving us all high and dry right before swimsuit season. Yes everyone, I’m trying to flatten the curve AND my waistline.
Enter the fitness influencers. All of a sudden, every hot person with over 10,000 followers is an online fitness guru offering their customized take on a home workout. You know what? I don’t give a damn. I’m not doing it. I’ll go on a run outside and maybe do some push-ups, but I’m not about to sit here and do preacher curls with a Trader Joe’s bag filled with my old college textbooks—although this would be the most my college education has done for me.
There’s a lot of pressure to be productive and “make the most of your quarantine” and I’m over it. You should be taking up yoga, you should be learning a new language, blah blah. I just saw someone’s blog post about how to use this time to decorate your house for Easter. Ma’am, I am just trying to SURVIVE until Easter.
The problem with these posts is twofold. First of all, you rich bitches, most people don’t have all this free time. They’re still working. Second of all, nobody wants to hear it. This quarantine has me in a constant state of irritation and/or depression, and I’ll cope as I see fit. Sure as hell won’t be by taking a virtual yoga class, I’ll tell you that much.
Ultimately, being locked in your house for weeks on end fucking sucks—but let’s not forget that in all of this, we are the lucky ones. With this in mind, we encourage you to look into local charities and look for specific ways you can help. The Betches Good Influence Fund for Corona Relief connects our community to groups fighting on the front lines of an unprecedented crisis, and you can get more information and donate here.
Images: ImYanis / Shutterstock
Quarantining for coronavirus affects all of us differently. I mean, there really isn’t a wrong way to handle being in quarantine, as long as you’re actually quarantining and staying home! For some people, this is their total dream to stay at home and cancel all plans and not go to work. Others are going stir crazy with anxiety and obsessively checking the news. But whoever you are in this pandemic, let’s hope you’re staying the f*ck home so that we can get this over with. Remember, the sooner we can social distance and get this under control, the sooner we can go back to playing outside like real people. Don’t f*ck it up for all of us. Here are the types of people in quarantine:
Look, we get it, germs are all around us and are trying to murder us, particularly now. You go ahead and have fun Lysoling your shoes, Cloroxing the door handle, and making your Postmates delivery driver follow a complicated set of directions so that you don’t come into contact when they drop off your food. Just make sure you’re not hoarding the Purell, okay?
For a lot of people, this is the first time they’ve actually stayed home and cooked a meal in years. But now that all socializing is dead, we have nothing but time to learn how to be gourmet chefs via YouTube. Cooking is a great skill to learn under quarantine, however, please politely remember that no one cares. We don’t care about your meal prep, grocery list, or how you cook your very basic meal of choosing. Keep it to yourself. You don’t win an award because you’re not Postmates-ing McDonald’s every night, and anybody can throw a pasta dish together.
I’m sorry, but no, if you’re being this positive about quarantine, you are being the worst. This is not a gift. This f*cking sucks, people are dying, but congratulations on using your time efficiently. If yoga, crystals, and knitting are keeping you off the edge in these highly anxious times, then fine, but please shut the f*ck up about it.
I am this image and I don’t even mind. What’s the point of showering? What’s the point of plucking your eyebrows? No one is around to see you, except maybe your dog or roommates. Why bother getting dressed or brushing the Cheetos dust off your shirt? Plus, you can’t get your roots done, your mustache waxed, or your eyebrows or nails done anyway so things are going to be rough for a while no matter what you do. Enjoy this time. (But try to at least take a shower.)
With the gyms closing, fitness nuts everywhere are losing their sh*t. This is a particularly trying time for those of us in tiny city apartments (hi!). From trying to figure out how the f*ck we’ll get our 10,000 steps in a 500-square-foot apartment to using things around the house to keep our lifting schedule, gym goers everywhere are getting pretty crafty. So go ahead, squat your couch. sprint up and down your tiny hallway, annoy the sh*t out of your downstairs neighbors, because when we finally are allowed out again, everyone is going to be sooo jealous of your abs.
Actually though, what are you people who bought out all the toilet paper doing with it all now? You just have like, 10 years worth of toilet paper stored in your garage? Are you making TP forts? You’re all assholes for hoarding so much and making everyone freak out. DO NOT be that guy.
Congratulations if you’re actually getting work done while working from home! But like, if this Zoom meeting could have been an email, I don’t blame you for secretly watching Netflix with the subtitles on instead. Do whatever you’ve got to do to survive. You’ll look back on these times fondly when you’re inevitably trapped in your tiny cubicle for the rest of your life.
Which quarantine type are you? How are you staying sane? What’s the best/worst parts of quarantine? Let me know in the comments, I’m desperate for any kind of entertainment or human interaction.
Images: Holly Hammond; Kelly Sikkema / Unsplash
Head Pro pretends to not like Halloween, but he’s really just bad at coming up with costumes. Email him at head[email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.
Halloween is Tuesday, which means that all of your Halloween party-going is happening this week and reaching a crescendo this weekend. Don’t ask me why we treat Halloween like other holidays where you HAVE to have the party before the actual date, them’s just the rules. Fuck you in advance for giving me side-eye for showing up to your November 4th party in my Boba Fett costume. Shit was expensive.
Anyway, what makes Halloween parties Halloween parties is that you show up in costume, otherwise you’re just a weirdo for throwing a party on a questionably macabre holiday. The thing is, though, is that if you go to enough parties, you notice that with little variation, they all include the same cast of characters and costumes. Here’s a non-exhaustive list of the people you’ll meet, and how to deal with them.
1. The Couple Who Thinks They’re Funny
Couple’s costumes are without fail annoying af because the people wearing them almost always put too much work into them. Sometimes they try to be current, so this year you might see a lot of couples dressed as Wonder Woman and whichever one of the Chrises was her sidekick. But more often than not, they try to be “clever” and somehow miss the mark. Like, I’ve seen so many couples where the guy was a big black ball and the girl was an iron chain—sorry ladies, but you’re both the ball and the chain. That’s all on you.
How to deal with them: If you’re single, don’t. If you’re with a date, have a picture at the ready of some really good costume the two of you did to make them feel worse about theirs.
2. The Guy Who Thinks He’s Clever
Making a clever costume is a fool’s errand. It literally only works when other people see it, think about it for one or two beats and then go “ohhhh I get it!” That shit is hard as hell to pull off, man. Otherwise, you end up with one of three scenarios: 1) No one gets the costume even after you explain it, 2) You have to explain it but it’s still not funny, or 3) It needs no explanation but it’s just dumb as fuck. One year, one of my bros stapled a bunch of pictures of his exes to a sheet and wore it over his head as “the ghost of girlfriends past.” It was real fucking dumb, and kind of fucked up too, now that I think about it. Don’t put that JuJu on people, dude.
How to deal with them: Regardless of which of the three ways they fuck it up, your response should always be “oh… ok.” That’s it. These people crave approval more than anything. Don’t give in.
3. The Intentionally Too-Soon Guy
Without fail, someone will take a recent celebrity death and make a costume out of it. This year, you’re gonna see a lot of fuckboy Hugh Hefners out there. Worse is the fact that that more often than not the costumes are shitty; wearing a dirty bathrobe and the sweatpants you woke up in do not make for a convincing smut tycoon.
How to deal with them: Whatever you do, don’t get mad. These guys get off on being CRAZY and EDGY and DARING TO GO THERE. Their goal is to shock you, because if they shock you that means they can manipulate your emotions, and if they can manipulate your emotions they think that means they can fuck you with their socks still on. It’s a vicious cycle.
4. The Slutty Whatever Girl
My hot take? Slutty costumes are used far more as pop culture joke fodder than they are actual costumes. But there will be one, maybe two of these girls at every party, made I guess a little more likely by the fact that this very website sells slutty mouse costumes or whatever. Either way, they’ll stick out like ingrown hairs, because normal fucking adults can work up a costume that’s still sexy without going full-blown “slutty sign language interpreter.”
How to deal with them: Praise them for having the courage to wear those costumes and empower women. These girls strapped themselves in and hoisted their boobs up because they wanted to turn some heads and feel sexy, not lead the 4th wave of feminism.
5. Every Version Of Taylor Swift From The ‘LWYMMD’ Video
You just know a group’s gonna fuckin’ do this. The only question is, do they go with all the new Taylor outfits, or all of the “dead” Taylors? If the #squad’s big enough, why not both? They’ll metastasize across the dance floor whenever that (or any TSwift) song comes on, and you’ll never have wished more for an asteroid to hit and end this fucked up experiment called humanity.
How to deal with them: No need, because you’re either one of them or they’ll be standing in a circle looking at their phones the whole time. You should, however, pay the DJ all of the money you have on you to not play any Taylor Swift songs. Sometimes petty justice is the only justice.
6. The Political Costumes
Unavoidable, but especially so because of the times we live in. Lots of guys will wear those creepy rubber Donald Trump masks, which is actually fine until they start in on their terrible impressions of him (sad!). Probably lots of Hillarys, too. That’s also fine, I guess, until they try to get clever with it by also doing zombie makeup and saying they’re “Hillary’s electability” or some insufferable shit. You will suddenly find yourself on the other side of the gun control debate, if only so that you can quickly buy one to turn it on yourself.
How to deal with them: Bizarrely, I don’t think these people actually want to talk politics, so you should talk a shitload of politics with them. Figure out where they stand, and then present yourself as an even more extreme version. Oh, they like Bernie and his platform? Well Bernie is just as much a Wall Street puppet as the next Democratic sellout, and you’re gonna lead the revolution that returns the means of production not back to the proletariat, but to Mother Nature!
7. The People Not In Costume But Just Dressed Like Goths
These people have a twisted relationship with Halloween, because on the one hand, they’re the weirdos who claim to be into the “dark arts” and lied about drinking a bat’s blood back in middle school. On the other hand, they hate how a celebration of their Dark Lord has been co-opted by the mainstream, so for once their morose expressions are genuine. They’ll be in the corner, casting spells on everyone.
How to deal with them: These people secretly wish they could be accepted by the popular crowd, so be as ditzy and fun-having as you can possibly be. Even if you got stuck being Zombie Taylor.
8. The Decade Costumes
I don’t understand why this is a thing, but it is. Like, how are you supposed to represent an entire decade with an outfit, and why would you want to? Oh, you’re supposed to be “the 80s?” Cool, which one of your leg warmers represents the sale of weapons to Iran to secretly fund right-wing Nicaraguan rebels?
How to deal with them: In reality it’s virtually impossible to capture the essence of a decade, because 1980 looked nothing like 1990, 1990 looked nothing like 2000, etc. That’s why, when they tell you what they are, say it looks more like an adjacent decade to you. “70s? Ok, it’s just that this outfit looks a lot more late 60s to me.” They’ll hate it.
9. The Person Not In Costume Because They Hate Halloween
Look fucker, you have 364 other days of the year to show up to a party in your street clothes. If you don’t like dressing up, either sit your ass at home or go to an Irish bar, where the costume theme is always “pretending Irish-American culture is legitimate and deserving of celebration.” They think they’re cool and above it all and will try to fuck you by approaching you in a corner and saying “man, this is so childish, right?” Gross.
How to deal with them: Do a drive-by and say “nice costume!” just before you’re out of earshot. It won’t give them time to launch into their “I’m a REAL adult” spiel.
10. The Socially Conscious Costumes
Why yes, I totally agree that The Handmaid’s Tale is a perfect reflection of where we are as a society right now, and your Offred costume totally improves the ambience. Lotta those, I expect, but don’t count out the people who try to be walking political cartoons. The guy dressed up as a solar system and also wearing a doctor’s mask? Wow, a biting commentary on universal healthcare, friend. The dude in the MAGA hat with the “lock her up” sign? Now that’s a man with his thumb on the pulse.
How to deal with them: Unlike the overtly political people, these folks EXTREMELY want to talk about politics. Keep the conversation light until you can escape.
11. The Person Not In Costume Because They Couldn’t Think Of One
So, more often than not this is me.
How to deal with them: Be nice. I’m not exactly proud of myself.
Head Pro pretends to not like Halloween, but he’s really just bad at coming up with costumes. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.