If you really think about it, “Winter is coming” is just HBO’s fancy way of saying “Get ready for cuffing season.” At first glance, Slutty Dungeons and Dragons Game of Thrones just seems like some nerd fantasy come to life, but this is 2017 and Dave Franco’s character in 21 Jump Street taught us that hot people can like nerd shit too. Anyway, those of you who are in the Venn diagram of clubbing and Chess club have probably considered who you’d date should you find yourself between Westeros and Winterfell. Like any good war hero entering battle, you must consider the aftermath first. So here’s which GOT characters would make the worst ex, because if Danaerys has taught us anything it’s that everyone will get burned at the end of this.
10. Tyrion Lannister
Tyrion is the bro you dated for much longer than you actually wanted to just because you were bored or drunk and then like, didn’t actually hate him. Despite his reputation of getting around, he’s actually kind of sweet when it’s just the two of you, and he buys you shit all the time which is nice. You never saw a future with him and probably dated around when you two were hooking up, so when things eventually fizzled out, you weren’t that devastated. He’ll occasionally send the late night “yo where r u” text but for the most part he’s harmless. When you do run into him at parties you enjoy the attention you know he’ll give you and then move on with no feelings hurt. Tyrion’s the best ex to have because you barely even count him as an ex, though technically you were hooking up and going on “dates” for a period of time long enough to theoretically get pregnant, so it kind of still counts. You also never really got that invested in him, so you feel no pain when you see him with another girl, which is constantly. Oh yeah, and he always paid for Plan B, what a gentleman. The only downside to dating Tyrion is you probably should get tested ASAP every time you hook up.
9. Daenerys Targaryen
Daenerys will fuck up her exes, but only if they’re male. If you dated Daenerys you took a lot of Instagram photos because you two were a power betch couple that even your homophobic uncle would have been proud of. However, she’s too ambitious to actually care about a future together, and try as you might to picture a domestic life together, neither of you wanted to be the “housewife.” So you parted ways. While she will burn down any man that stands in her way, she has a special place in her heart for women, so having Dany as your ex isn’t as bad as you’d think. You might just have to endure the fact that she keeps showing up everywhere, because she is eventually going to take over the world. Plus, if you didn’t publicize your relationship, you’re both probably on the DL about the breakup, which makes it even more annoying when your friends are fawning over her as she walks by covered in flames and dragons.
8. Daario Naharis
Daario is the James Marsden of the Game of Thrones universe. He was a warrior and hot and like, perfectly capable of pleasing you for the rest of your life, but you were just like… nah. Because he’s always there, you don’t want him. He’d be slightly annoying to have as an ex because every once in a while he’ll remind you of a life you could have if you just gave up on your dreams and stopped caring about taking over the world. Ultimately, he’ll be more annoying to have around because you have no reason to cut him off, and rejecting him always makes you feel like a bad person.
7. Jamie Lannister
Jamie is the whirlwind romance you had and then suddenly fell out of. Maybe it’s his air of trust fund privilege or just general inability to pull off anything right, but you realized his fawning over you wasn’t enough to actually keep you satisfied. He’ll end up marrying a less hot version of you and you’ll be okay with it because everybody agrees she’s less hot than you.
6. Benjen Stark
Benjen is the older guy you dated in your twenties that you thought you successfully ghosted, but you were wrong. It wasn’t that he wasn’t great to you or kind and loving, it’s just that he reminds you of a time in your life that is lightyears from where you are now—a time when you got blackout in bars and made out with 38-year-olds and threw up in cabs and honestly, you’re just better than that now. If only he were just a deleted number in your phone, but instead, he shows up years later back from the dead to haunt you. Sorry, but can’t you see I have a masters degree now? Leave me alone, old man. Go back to your first family, or settle down with a cougar, I’m young and I don’t need to be reminded of my mistakes, thank you.
5. Jaqen H’ghar
Jaqen H’ghar is the artsy bro you dated when you were “finding yourself” in Williamsburg or Silverlake. It was probably shortly after studying abroad and like Belle, you wanted more than this provincial life. He was a stoner but also highly intelligent and you were drawn to him because he just seemed so much more well traveled and interesting than any of the frat boys you knew freshman and sophomore year. Like, he knew all about ancient Hindu drugs and ancient Chinese drugs and now that you think about it, mostly everything was drug related and ancient. He did make some cool-ass art and his apartment always looked like a science experiment. He claimed he has “many faces” but eventually you realized he was just talking about his personality disorders. Also, he had an exotic name even though he was clearly white, which now you realize is probably because he was appropriating some Native American culture he studied once in a Reddit post. The only problem with having him as an ex is that he never stops watching you. He’s the bro that will keep liking your Instas like a phantom, not texting you or calling you ever to say anything, but constantly surveying your social media to let you know he’s got his eye on you. He’s got some crazy conspiracy theories about the government watching you, and you’re pretty sure he actually has access to equipment to listen in on your conversations all the time. As creepy as this sounds, he genuinely wants you to like, do well, and he’ll probably never hurt you. He will however, be the first to know when you’re engaged to someone else because like we said, he’s watching TF out of you.
4. Littlefinger aka Petyr Baelish
This is the guy everyone underestimates because he looks beta AF while in reality being a manipulative fuckboy that you can never trust. For some reason you fell for it, probably because he’s a sociopath and tricking people is what he does best. When you eventually end things with him, he’ll probably make you feel like it was his idea to end things, leaving you wondering if you should try to make it work just to get him to fall in love with you again. You have no interest in actually dating this guy ever again, yet he won’t leave you alone. He manages to “organically” stay in your life by befriending your outer circle and working his way into your inner circle. Before you know it, he’s the one telling you about your friends’ baby showers and asking you to be a plus one to your freshman year roommate’s wedding, which you weren’t invited to. This guy is trouble because he somehow manipulated you into sending some particularly raunchy nudes and you don’t want to piss him off, so you continue being nice to him even though he disgusts you.
3. Tommen Lannister
This is the guy you dated that was much younger than you because you met at some dope Black Amex party or something, but then you got to know him and realized he’s immature AF. He throws a hissy fit whenever he doesn’t get his way, and his mother is always trying to be your best friend but you know it’s only because she wants to keep her son close. He’s a rich kid born into privilege who says the most ignorant things. Every time you see him, it’s a reminder of your mistakes and you shudder. Unfortunately he grows up to become Jared Kushner and his mistakes will threaten your reputation the free world.
2. Samwell Tarly
This is the chubby nice bro you dated after a horrible breakup because you told yourself you’d “try” settling just to see if you could. And guess what? You couldn’t. He was all about you and never complained when you would disappear for days because you “needed space” but part of you just wished he would fight back and be less of a pushover. He always wants to like, raise a baby with you and meet your parents and when you eventually dump him because you get your self-esteem back, you tell him you’re willing to stay friends in a moment of weakness. He takes this to mean you’ll eventually come around and now he’s buying you birthday gifts that are way too expensive to be from just a friend. He’s particularly awful as an ex because you don’t even actually like him as a friend. He probably only slept with three women before you and is constantly asking you for advice you don’t want to give.
1. Cersei Lannister
She is one frigid ice queen that will take revenge to a level that even Taylor Swift couldn’t dream of even in her songwriting brainstorm sessions. To be fair, if you dated Cersei you probably are power hungry and into crazy bitches yourself. You play with fire and you get your city bombed, according to Cersei. You did also publicly shame her and put her nudes up on a revenge porn site, so honestly that’s on you. She literally gives no fucks, though, because she’s been through so much already, and nothing you do can possibly out-crazy her. She is into #winning in a way that you’ve never seen, and you are not only going to lose with her, everyone around you is going down too. Unfortunately, there’s no way out of this one, because even if you stay in the relationship with her, she’s going to implicate you in some seriously crazy shit. So basically fuck with Cersei and either way, you’re fucked. Have fun with that!
I’m just gonna be straight up with you. We’re in the middle of a fucking inferno, my boob sweat could potentially flood a small country, and I’m writing this in between my nightly routine of Netflix and actually trying to chill, so let’s just cut the shit. I know you’re fully aware of the qualities of a fuckboy – hell, you’re probably creeping on the hoe in his Snapchat story as we speak. So honestly, I’ve got better things to do than waste my precious time explaining to you what you should already know.
I will say that we’re officially halfway through summer, so if you haven’t yet been ghosted by some fratty fuck in Chubbies, or you’ve been hit up like 12 times for discounted fat-shaving supplements, then tbh, what have you been doing? On second thought, teach me your ways. But since I have nothing better to do than wait for some worthless POS to view my cleave shot on my Snap story while catching up on GoT, I’m about to take a wild guess go in depth as to how your choice of summer fuckboy speaks volumes about who you are, which really just shows how much of a garbage human I am. Whatever.
The One Who Claims He Has a Boat
So you care way too much about what people think of you. But like, same same. Your social media presence is blasted in everyone’s face, sort of like this guys’ outdated fashion suicide of Sperry’s and pastel button downs. You probably put as much effort into your all-white Instagram aesthetic as you did into trying to get him to “maybe take you on his yacht” someday. You have an affinity for pink martinis with a flower on the rim, but solely for use on social media. You may pretend to live on a strcit diet of sushi and coconut La Croix around him, but in reality, there’s still Taco Bell wrappers at your bedside from last night’s “accidental” drunk food order.
The Foreign Fuckboy
Sure, whatever, your trip to Yacht Week in Croatia was unforgettable, but only because you outdid the number of Instagram posts that are socially acceptable for like, idk a year. #Unfollow. You met some slimy Italian dude while on vacation whose thighs were more tan than yours, which is disgusting. You were obvi looking for one thing and one thing only: a foreign fuck. You were somehow mind-fucked (or actually fucked) into thinking that this guy will still be around next vacay, and your friends are dreading your return home because you already started a countdown on Twitter for the number of days you’ll see him again. Newsflash: Summer flings were only cool in Mary Kate & Ashley movies. Read a fucking book.
The Wannabe Wolf of Wallstreet
Let me guess: You adore that while everyone else was downing Kamikaze shots, this guy was decked out in a business suit (ugh fine). You tend to go for the older men as seen from your latest subtweet that read, “literally just can’t stand immature idiots anymore.” You adore his ambition and the fact that he hashtags shit like #OnThatGrind and #DoItForTheHustle, but you mostly adore his wallet. Since meeting this guy, your Pinterest game has gone from hipster Urban Outfitter room décor to an entire board dedicated to Kris Jenner’s living room. He may unofficially officially constitute as a sugar daddy, but like, if he’s picking up the tab, count me in.
The Self-Described Personal Trainer
Quick Q: Are you bored? Do you, like, hate your life? Yeah, sure, this guy is hot and in shape and can possibly get you a 3-day trial pass to Equinox, but now you’re punishing us (your true friends) for like, wanting to maintain your summer body or whatever. It’s like you find pure joy in trying to make us all feel bad when you showed up to brunch last weekend only to opt out of the “bottomless” option. Like, huh? And to top it all off, you’ve now become the type of betch who literally won’t shut the fuck up about your new free personal trainer and how you crushed your latest workout. Honestly though, I’ll let this slide because once you realize you literally have nothing in common and that he just gave you the ‘eye’ for eating three fries, I’ll be ready with a bloody in hand.
The One You Hooked Up With in College
Look, betches aren’t perfect (but we’re pretty fucking close). But if there’s one thing we’re good at, it’s lowering our standards for a good cause. Like dick. Ok, so I low-key just described myself because, for some reason, I live for recycling hookups, but there must be someone else out there as into used goods as I am, right? Basically, here’s the deal. I’m a fucking good time, but mostly I just have chronic FOMO, and I can’t help it. The idiot from college is still impressed because I’m a successful (?) journalist, only gained like 12 lbs post-college, and I’m always down to schedule a blackout at approx. 10 p.m. In turn, he is forced offers to pay for my drinks, I get drunk and horny, and it’s a win for all, especially me, because that minor lapse in judgment didn’t cost me an increase in my number or a decrease in my (barely-there) dignity. I love me.
The One Who Surfs, Brah
This guy is like, the gateway into the fuckboy kingdom. Thankfully you don’t have to worry him eyeing other girls, but that’s only because his brain is full of contaminated salt water and his boy band blonde-tourage doesn’t leave his side until the tide comes in. It takes a special type of girl to tolerate this guy – you know, like a girl who also doesn’t care (is that even a thing?). This betch’s Instagram is full of photography and she judges every girl for wearing makeup to the beach (fucking sue me). But she’s also like naturally tan and has a good body without even trying, so I can’t hate her that much.
The Wearing a RompHim As A “Joke”
This guy is always the life of the party, so, I mean, this betch did something right. On the other hand, this guy still thinks that wearing pastel RompHims are like, fucking hilarious, and for some reason I’ll never understand, she eats that shit up. They generally manage to give everyone at the party a raging migraine, partially because of their incessant need to be the center of attention, but also because of that pastel ensemble mixed with last season Birkenstocks… and I’m not talking about her. The type of betch who lives for this annoying af dude is also on a constant blackout state from Friday to Sunday, but like same. Wait, am I talking about me again?
